Shidduch

The Shidduch (Hebrew: שִׁדּוּךְ‎, pl. shidduchim שִׁדּוּכִים‎, Aramaic שידוכין) is a system of matchmaking in which Jewish singles are introduced to one another[1] in Orthodox Jewish communities for the purpose of marriage.

The practice

In Orthodox Jewish circles, dating is limited to the search for a marriage partner. Both sides (usually the parents, close relatives or friends of the persons, and the singles themselves, involved) make inquiries about the prospective partner, e.g. on his/her character, intelligence, level of learning, financial status, family and health status, appearance and level of religious observance.[2]

A shidduch often begins with a recommendation from family members, friends or others who see matchmaking as a mitzvah, or commandment. Some engage in it as a profession and charge a fee for their services. Usually a professional matchmaker is called a shadchan, but anyone who makes a shidduch is considered the shadchan for it.[3]

After the match has been proposed, the prospective partners meet a number of times to gain a sense of whether they are right for one another. The number of dates prior to announcing an engagement may vary by community. In some, the dating continues several months. In stricter communities, the couple may decide a few days after originally meeting with each other. Also the age when shidduchim start may vary by community. In frum circles, especially among Hassidim, eighteen is the age when shidduchim start and shadchanim take notice.

Those who support marriage by shidduch believe that it complies with traditional Judaism's outlook on Tzniut, modest behaviour in relations between men and women,[1][4] and prevents promiscuity. It may also be helpful in small Jewish communities where meeting prospective marriage partners is limited, and this gives them access to a broader spectrum of potential candidates.

If the shidduch does not work out, then usually the shadchan is contacted and it is he/she that tells the other side that it will not be going ahead. If the shidduch works out then the couple inform the shadchan of its success.

In recent years, a number of shidduchim sites have appeared on the Internet.

Bashow

The prospective partners either date each other or in stricter communities they go to a "bashow"[5] or sit in.[6] The practice has been called "a chaperoned quasi-date."[7]

A typical bashow scene is that the young man with his parents goes to see the young woman in her house (or that of someone hosting)[6][8], to see if the prospective couple are compatible. Both sets of parents talk to each other, and then when the setting is more relaxed, they go into another room, leaving the man and woman in the living room to speak among themselves. Some use this opportunity to actually ask each other pertinent questions, while some just want to see if they like each other, relying more on the information they got from the shadchen or from other people. The number of bashows prior to announcing an engagement varies, as some have many bashows while others have as few as one, which is typical among the children of Hasidic Rebbes.

Bashert

Bashert (or beshert; Yiddish: באַשערט) means "destiny".[9] It is often used to refer to one's divinely foreordained spouse or soulmate, who is called one's basherte (female) or basherter (male). It can also be used to express the seeming fate or destiny of an auspicious or important event, friendship, or happening.

In modern usage, Jewish singles will say that they are looking for their bashert, meaning they are looking for that person who will complement them perfectly, and whom they will complement perfectly. Since it is considered to have been Heavenly foreordained whom one will marry, one's spouse is considered to be one's bashert by definition, independent of whether the couple's marital life works out well or not.[10]

Zivug

A somewhat related word is zivug.[11] The word includes the letters for the Hebrew word zug, pair; the transliteration subsets/matches too.[12]

Biblical matchmaking

The first recorded shidduch in the Torah was the match that Eliezer, the servant of the Jewish patriarch Abraham, made for his master's son Isaac (Genesis Ch. 24). Abraham gave him specific instructions to choose a woman from Abraham's own tribe. Eliezer traveled to his master's homeland to fulfill Abraham's wishes, arriving at a well. After a short prayer to God for guidance, describing how a virtuous woman might act toward a traveling stranger at the well, Rebekah appeared on the scene and did everything described in Eliezer's prayer. Eliezer then went with Rebekah to her family and appealed to them for permission to take Rebekah back with him to be Isaac's wife. Once this permission was granted, Rebekah joined Eliezer on the road home to Isaac. Even so, Isaac gained his own impression of her before agreeing to marry her (Rashi, commentary to Genesis 24:67).

However, when Eliezer proposes to take Rebekah back to Isaac in Canaan, he is told by Rebekah's family: "Let us ask the maiden" (i.e., Rebekah). This is taken as an instruction for Jewish parents to weigh their child's opinion in the balance during an arranged marriage. Regardless of whether proper procedure is followed, this is not the end of the decision - it is believed by Jews that the final say belongs to God, who may have different plans (compare with the match of Jacob and Leah).

Talmudic references

The Talmud (Bavli Kiddushin 12a, first version) states that academy head Rav would give corporal punishment to a man who would marry without shidduchin, that is,[13] without prearrangement by the couple. The text gives three versions of Rav's practice; the other two versions disagree. Some authorities rule according to the first version,[14][15] while others rule according to the other two versions.[16][17]

In Kiddushin 41a states that a man should not marry a woman he has not seen, lest he come to violate Love your neighbour as yourself.

The etymology of the words "shidduch" and "shadchan" is uncertain. The Medieval Rabbi Nissim of Gerona (commonly called Ran) traces it back to the Aramaic word for "calm" (cf. Targum to Judges 5:31), and elaborates that the main purpose of the shidduch process is for young people to "settle down" into marriage.[18]

Shadchan

Shadchan (Hebrew: שַׁדְּכָן‎, plural שַׁדְּכֳנִם shadchanim / shadchonim, female שַׁדְכָנִית‎ shadchanis / shadchanit) is a Hebrew word for matchmaker.[3]

The word shadchan refers to people who carry out shidduchim as a profession within the religious Jewish community.[19] However, shadchan can also be used to refer to anyone[3] who introduces two single Jews to one another with the hope that they will form a couple.

One of the characters in the musical Fiddler on the Roof is a matchmaker named Yente. Because of this, the name Yenta (יענטע) is sometimes mistakenly taken to be a synonym for shadchan.[19]

Shadchanus gelt

Shadchanus[20] (שדכנות) is the money (Yiddish: געלט‎, gelt) paid to the party/parties[21] who brokered a successful pairing. It is a brokerage fee, not a gift, and can't be paid from funds intended for charity (מַעֲשֵׂר maaser).[22] Usually it is paid by the parents,[23] and it is common that each pays an equal amount.[24]

A Bat-Kohen

Main article: Bat-Kohen

Although Torah law allows for a bat-kohen to marry a challal, convert, or freed slave (Hebrew eved meshukhrar), the Midrash and Talmud cite Rabbi Yochanan's view that a daughter of the kohen is best off marrying a kohen. Rabbi Yochanan maintains that in the event a bat-kohen marries a non-Kohen, undesired results for the groom are likely to surface, such as poverty or the demise of the groom. An exception to this taboo is if the groom is a Talmid Chacham.[25]

Medical aspects

Main article: Medical genetics of Jews

Considering the prevalence of a number of genetic diseases in both the Ashkenazi and Sephardi communities, several organisations (most notably Dor Yeshorim) routinely screen large groups of young people anonymously, only handing them a telephone number and a PIN. When a shidduch is suggested, the candidates can phone the organisation, enter both their PINs, and find out whether their union could result in critically disabled children. Although the implementation has been controversial, there has been a sharp decrease in the number of children born with Tay–Sachs disease and other genetic disorders since its inception.[26]

See also

• Jewish views on marriage
• Jewish wedding
• Negiah (guidelines for physical contact)
• Niddah (menstruation laws)
• Shidduch crisis
• Shalom bayit (peace and harmony in the relationship between husband and wife)
• Yichud (prohibitions of secluding oneself with a stranger)

References

1. "Seeking a Marital Blessing, Queens, N.Y." The New York Times. September 11, 2011. My friends set me up ... It's called a shidduch.
2. "She Pairs Up the 'Chabad Misfits'". COLlive.com. April 3, 2018. New York Times reports ... Before making a shidduch, ... degree of religious practice, family background
3. "Rav Avigdor Miller on Finding a Good Shidduch".
4. "we abstain from touching before marriage."
5. "Rabbi Forsythe on Finding Your Zivug - Bashow Minhag".
6. They don't "go out." "Orthodox Sunflower".
7. "What's the etymology of the Hassidic term "b'sho'ah" for a chaperoned quasi-date".
8. "We had made up to meet in a friend's house
9. Jane Gordon Julien (November 9, 2014). "Called by Destiny, Like Generations Before Them". NYTimes.com. word ... in Yiddish, to describe the encounter: "bashert,"” or destiny.
10. Yevamot, 63b
11. "Split Your Sea".
12. "Zivug". Jewish Chronicle.
13. Rashi Kiddushin 13a, Bedishadich (בדשדיך)
14. Maimonides, Mishneh Torah, Women, Laws of Ishut, 3:22 and Sanctity, Laws of Prohibited Relations, 21:14
15. Rabbi Yosef Karo, Shulchan Aruch, III:26:4
16. Hagahot Maimoniot on Mishneh Torah, Sanctity, ad. loc.
17. Rema on Shulchan Aruch ad. loc.
18. Nissim of Gerona. Commentary to Alfasi's Halachot, Shabbat 5b s.v. ein meshadchin.
19. Joffe-Walt, Chana (June 13, 2012). "What's a Yenta?". NPR. Retrieved October 7, 2019.
20. Shadchanus in Halachah.
21. Sometimes split equally, depending on the situation.Rabbi Yosef Yeshaya Braun. "Shadchanus Gelt".
22. Rabbi Avi Zakutinsky. "Paying The Shadchan (Part 1)". Orthodox Union.
23. "shadchanus gelt".
24. "When, How to Pay a Shadchan?".
25. Yalkut Shimoni to Leviticus p. 738 (HaMaor edition), TalmudPesachim p. 49a
26. Leiman, Yehoshua. "Yosef Eckstein - Trailblazer in Genetics for the Jewish World and Beyond". Personal Glimpses, supplement to Hamodia, Pesach 5766 (April 2006), page 24-27.

Books

• Shani Stein. "The Survival Guide to Shidduchim". New York, NY: Feldheim publishers, 1997. ISBN 1-56871-132-8.
• Leah Jacobs, Shaindy Mark. "Shidduch Secrets". Shaar Press, 2006. ISBN 1-4226-0220-6.