FaCe ThE StRaNgE

The most effective way to make four fandoms cry in unison.
When Dally Darkblood, a vampire Ravenclaw, goes to Hogwarts, with her best fren, Edward Cullen, and then Hiei, things began to get intresting. Shadow the Hegehog comes and then Dumbleddore turns out to be not so good after ale. With the asstence of close friends and family and a lil wizard magic, Hogwarts will be sale fo the students once more...
—Dallas Philpott, "introdiction to the story"

The above summary does not even begin to capture the pure Mind Screw that is Face The Strange (or, as it is spelled officially, "FaCe ThE StRaNgE"), a Troll Fic written in an attempt to write the worst Fanfic ever. Dally Darkblood is a young lady who happens to be both a vampire and a witch. She is invited to go to Hogwarts along with a certain young man named Edward Cullen who has been having some issues with his girlfriend Bella Swan. On the train, they happen to run into Hiei, who is selling candy to pay for his trip to Hogwarts and hits on Dally a few times. They also encounter Shadow, the anthropomorphic hedgehog. When they actually get into Hogwarts, Dally and Hiei decide to get it on and use magic to turn their bodily fluids into water in order to avoid impregnating Dally. Little do they know, however, that a very jealous Edward is spying on them, and decides to use his magic to teach Dally a lesson.

And it only gets worse (and weirder) from there.

The even more twisted lovechild of Brewdening Love and My Immortal, Face The Strange is a true test of whether the Internet has truly made a person resistant to terror and having their childhood ruined. If you are feeling brave, you can read it yourself here, but be warned that it quickly becomes NSFW.

And now there is a sporking of it here! And a dramatic reading!

Tropes used in FaCe ThE StRaNgE include:

“What do you think u punishment should be?” Dubledore asked paseing around he was wearing a black t-shirt and ripped Hollister jeans that showed off his mussles.

“YOU CAME IN ME. I TOLD YOU YOU CAN GET PREGNANT EVEN FROM ANAL.”

    • The pregnancy in general. Dally shows signs of it within a couple of days, and has the actual demonspawn not too long after that. Might be justified if you consider it's the baby of a vampire and a demon, so it might mature differently, but that might be giving the author too much credit.
    • Apparently gays are built differently than straight folk according to Dally:

“Its gay anal surf,” answored Dally, “if they don’t take garyatric pills then if we put enough water in their ass their intenstines and stomach wil leak out…”

      • She does offer a (terrible) explanation:

“Oh is that because their asshoes are all loosened out from the sex??” Shadow asked.

Jut then Mystique came out of the fire she was naked but she didn’t have nipples.

Dally began to get nervous… if hiei was high he was also gonna get violet and if he found Billy she would surely get the smackdown.

“Well students there is nothing wrong with bean gay,” he said, “I am bisexual myself.”

Draco is straight and it’s Adam and Steve not Adam and Steve.

      • When Hiei screws Sasuke, Dally is more ticked about Hiei banging a man then she is that he slept with someone else in the first place.
      • Sasuke is another one of the "good" gays, but even then he is a walking stereotype.
    • Another supposed Aesop is that screwing multiple guys, especially one that isn't your true love that you're married to, is wrong, as demonstrated with Bella. However, Dally has no problem doing it with Hiei the first day she meets him and is constantly going back and forth between various men.

“Hi-hi-hi-hiei and I are th-th-thorough!” she sobbed, “It t-t-t-urms out hes a f-f-f-faggot just like D-d-d-dumbledooooreeee!!”

It was chosen one and now it will kiss us all… because when demons and vampires mix it produces a hellspawn that is evilest at its core.

"That masturbator!” said Link and they all laughed and walked adaware…

(since there were no rules they had sex over one thousand times)

They were greeted by a big wizard with a long white bear and a pointy hat and he said, “Come students, follow me to the great hall and we will eat and get you sorted!”

Edward grred, his sences were tingling… that something was not wrong.

    • Similarly, right in the next chapter:

The three of them mated downstairs to Professors Macnoggle’s orifice and demanded an interview.

Edward was shocked and aroused.

    • At the end of the same chapter, although this time invoked intentionally:

“WHAT THE HELL HIEI” shouted Dally, “Do you like him??”

“I don’t think so,” said Hiei, “It was kinda hott though…”

    • When Sasuke mentions that Edward and Hiei must come together to save Dally, he compares them to Harry's mother and father. Oh Crap!
      • Then there's Sasuke's reaction to the result of the fusion.

“Omg…” said Sasuke, “That’s SO wrong… but sooo hot!”

  • Hufflepuff House: The Trope Namers themselves. The only time the house is referenced by name is when Harry kills a Hufflepuff to show baby Shadow spells.
  • Hypocrite: Dally calls Bella easy, but Bella has never been shown to screw a man other than Edward willingly (she had no clue that Snape wasn't Edward as she was blinded by a bag) both in Twilight and this fic. Dally, however, had no problem having sex with Hiei thousands of times and still considers Edward her property.
    • Further driven into the ground when Edward reveals he had sex with Bella before. Dally is ticked because she wanted to be Edward's first partner... After she cheated on him for Hiei.
    • The main gang sans Dally discovers Hagrid dead with "wands coming out of all the sausages of his body" and are absolutely disturbed that someone would do such a thing to Hagrid. Moments before, they were plotting to give him the slowest and most painful death possible.
    • "Slow and painful death" could have referred to starvation, suffocation, some form of poisoning... which, though pretty revolting, would look physically much neater than dying with your entire body covered in penises. They might have just been disgusted by the appearance of his death, which is in itself hypocrisy given that they're disturbed more by Body Horror than by their own intent to murder a man in the most agonizing way possible.
  • If I Can't Have You: Edward did NOT take Dally choosing Hiei well. Though, in her defense, he murdered his last girlfriend.
  • IKEA Erotica: The Hiei and Dally sex scene.
  • Insane Troll Logic/You Fail Logic Forever: For some reason, being a vampire means that Edward is amazing at potion-making. It Makes Just as Much Sense in Context.
    • This little gem from Shadow's funeral:

They didn’t put him in a koffin because it reminded Edward and Dally to much of bed and theyd get sleepy so they put him in a boat they took to Hogwarts and have him a Viking wedding.

    • And another bit from Chapter 11:

She looked in the keyhole and on the wndow and she was gunna check under the carpet… but it reminded he of shadow.

    • Basically the entire plot, actually, but how about this one, just prior to the Fusion Dance?

“Its because… remember how Harrys mom and dad saved him through love?” he answered

“Well… it’s the same here. We need two people who love Dally the most to savor her… and mix together.”

“WELL YOU WOULD KNOW,” said Hiei, “YOU FUCKED BELLA… AND HTEN YOU KILLED HER.”

    • Edward, after Dally says she can't have sex with Edward due to being with Hiei despite the big stink she put up over Edward supposedly doing Bella:

“I thought you said you wanted to… you can’t blue balls me,” he said flatly, “Seriously if you don’t put out youre a bitch just like Bella.”

“Yes it is I,” she smocked, “You really think you would get aware that easy?? DYMBLEDORE AND I ARE WOKING TOGETHER NOW!! HAHAHAHA!”

“you must think long and hard… like my dick” said Edward then laughed then stopped cause it wasn’t funny because actually dally probably effed everyone and was loose as a bag.

“Nigga FUCK no,” said Harry

YES COME IN” yelled Edward, he wanted a distraction.
“THANK YOU!” said Dally.
“I SAID ENOUGH GOD DAMMIT” shouted the Proffessor

  • Off-Model: Each page has an illustration or two to go with it. Most of these pictures are either screenshots from an actual show or movie, stock art (such as a bizarre one of a random guy in a body bag in one of the last chapters), or blatantly traced art of Dally and her crew or her baby. Much of this art varies wildly in style, but most notable is Edward, who has both an orange-haired Animesque traced illustration and images from the actual LIVE ACTION Twilight movies.
    • It doesn't help that the character biographies have both official art or photographs of the characters and the traced art, further highlighting the tackiness.
  • "On the Next...": At the end of Chapter 20- hilariously enough, the final chapter.
  • One Shadow Limit: Averted, which makes it confusing when reading about this trainwreck of a story, especially since the author mixes up names all the time.
  • Our Werewolves Are Different: They apparently have a short memory span.
  • Our Vampires Are Different: They don't sparkle, have fangs, and at one point Edward even turns into a bat. As terrible as the fic is, she still somehow gets vampires more close to the traditional portrayal than Twilight.
  • Parental Neglect: Dally has no problem letting her baby gnaw on rattlesnakes and leaving him home alone for long periods of time. She acts shocked when she comes how to find him gone. Lampshaded in this line:

“I think we should go home and check on my baby now. I know he can take care of himself but I think Prof Maconagle will call Child Protection Servises on my asshole.”

“oh my fucking christ” she said, “I can turn into whatever I want with mustiques powers!”

    • An even Narmier example from the same chapter:

“HAHAHA” laughed mystique “YOU WILL NEVER FUCKIN GET TE POWEERS”

“Hiei is that your wand?” she asked.

“No… that is my penis, Dally…” he said.

“So do you like that guy?” Edward asked.

“Of course, he gave me free food! He is very nice” Dally said happy.

First they checked American Engle, then they checked Wet Seal, then they checked Tifanny and Co-op, but they finally found him in the queerest of all stores… Holster.

He thought she was very cute.

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