All You Need Is Love

All You Need Is Love by The Carnivorous Muffin is an AU Death Note Crack Fic Romantic Comedy pairing up Light Yagami and Naomi Misora by having Light stalk Misora... but in a charming way. Meanwhile Misa and L continue to throw themselves at Light, while L pretends to investigate him as a mass-murder suspect.

Tropes used in All You Need Is Love include:

Naomi (to Light): YOU HAVE NO SEX DRIVE!

Duck: Tell Light when he gets home to try not to be so terribly obvious with his vocation, one day I may just decide to turn him in.

Naomi: Now, Duck, you and I have already had a talk about provoking mentally unstable individuals...

Matsuda (throwing himself against a door, repeatedly): You know… Duck… I don't think this is working…
Duck: I'm sure you'll get it eventually. The trick is to keep trying and to believe in yourself, then any task can be accomplished. Or so public educational television tells me.

Naomi just knew [Duck] had that look on Light's face that he got when something extremely unpleasant was about to happen. It started with the creepy smile and then the creepy smile would grow into a creepy grin and then the eyes would turn color until they looked crimson (she wasn't sure of the physics behind that but it did happen) and then he would laugh.

Mello: ...Did the four year old just say he wants to kill Kira?

Naomi: Duck, I know you hate Light but this is a bit too far.

  • Double Standard Rape (Male on Male): L frequently drugs and has his way with Light. Naomi feels sorry for Light but everyone else has No Sympathy.
  • Dressing as the Enemy: When the police are banging down the door Matt and Duck attempt to disguise Mello. Matt resorts to drugging Mello in order to make him lose the stripper costume, cuts his hair and forces him into a suit and tie. Naomi comments in her Internal Monologue that it makes him look like Misa's little brother that likes dressing up like Light.
  • Dysfunction Junction:

Naomi: I'm very sorry to everyone. My companions don't try to be idiots it just kind of happens. Sayu and I were put through very traumatic experiences; it's just for me, well… I deal with this shit all the time so it doesn't really bother me. For a normal person I'm sure what we went through would have left them shell shocked with only the ability to remain curled in a corner rocking themselves back and forth. So I'm going to apologize on the behalf of everyone here except for Takada who really did try her best, it's not her fault that he's dumb, she's traumatized, I don't have problems, he's an asshole, and he's the devil.

Light: Mr. Raye Penber is very annoying and doesn't know when to LEAVE PEOPLE ALONE. I realize it is his job to follow me around like a lost puppy but could he at least put a small amount of effort into not being so bloody noticeable? It's almost embarrassing having to look behind me every day and see him there standing oh so inconspicuously behind me with that newspaper shielding his pasty face. Yes, I can see him behind that newspaper the eyes in my face indicate that I am not blind. Your fiancé should note this fact next time he comes tapping along behind me, which should be any moment now I might add. Here are a few tips I wish to convey to your lover boy, please feel free to tell him for me as I think it's counterproductive for me to tell him. Besides it would just point out how inept he truly is: 1) when following someone try not to walk so loudly and when they stop walking you stop walking 2) when following someone do not literally follow them at every single moment of the day this includes lurking outside their room in the dead of night 3) do not wear the same clothes every day especially when on a high school campus not only are you noticeable you look completely ridiculous 4) when on a bus that is being high-jacked by a man with a gun do not show your victim your ID with your real name, if you have to use a pseudonym it's not unheard of 5) everyone can see you whispering in the back of the bus your voice is louder than you think 6) don't tell your victim what day your shift ends; you never know when they might have been paying attention. 7) when wearing the same clothes every day do not wear a blue trench coat, you want to be mistaken for a drug dealer every time you take a stroll? 8) when glaring at your victim and their date try not to look so completely bored, if you are going for the 'pedophilic-stalker' look be sure to complete it otherwise you look stupid 9) walk at a distance far enough away that your victim can't instantly grasp the fact that he is being stalked 10) try to look like you're doing something besides following your victim people might start to notice. I could go on but I think this should suffice, once again I leave with the statement THE WORLD DOES NOT REVOLVE AROUND YOU AND YOUR PATHETIC USELESS BEAU WHO CAN'T EVEN STALK HIS VICTIMS PROPERLY!!! Thank you for your time.

    • Light's porn.
    • Mello trying to be intimidating and get Naomi to take him seriously.
  • Even Evil Has Standards: Takeshi the heroin dealer gives Light a few free pointers on how to avoid getting drugged and raped by L.

Takeshi (to Light): Have you been watching what you drink, he's probably spiked everything you touch.
Light: I know he does, thank you for the advice.

  • Extreme Doormat: Light nicknames Raye "The Wallpaper." Also Matt.
  • Faking the Dead: L doesn't let his successors know he is still alive because he doesn't want to have to talk to them.
  • First-Name Basis: Matsuda wonders why Duck refers to Raye by his first name.
  • Fix Fic: So far the story has loosely followed Death Note canon except that Naomi Misora, Raye Penber, and L don't die.
  • Fluffy the Terrible: After noticing Light/Kira stalking her Naomi starts referring to her stalker as "Mr. Snuggles."
  • Freudian Excuse: "The Beyond Birthday case made so much more sense now, BB wasn't a megalomaniac he was L's spurned and neglected lover. Clearly the jam was just the aftershock of being forced into sex with someone that looked vaguely like a crack head. And she had prevented him from burning himself alive, if she had to have sex with L she might have tried to burn herself alive too. Naomi noted to herself that perhaps it was a good time to go to L.A.'s prison and apologize to that poor madman."
  • Freudian Slip:

Naomi (to L): You're just jealous that I'm in his pants and you're not.

Duck Look, mommy, his pants are tighter than yours!

Light: I am not blatantly homosexual! I just wear nice clothing!

L: Light-kun, it's already obvious that you're Kira.
Light: No, I'm not Kira... And you look like a meth addict so no one will ever believe you.

Light: I think your successor thinks we have the combined I.Q. of Matsuda.
Matsuda: You guys know I'm right here.

Naomi: What are you working on anyway, we both know you're Kira.
Light: I'm not working on anything.
Naomi: Then why the laptop?
Light: ... Porn...

Naomi: Wow that is the most boring pornography I have ever seen. This is porn for you?

Light: Your demon son.

Naomi: Your fault.

Light: My what?

Naomi: Are you saying that we lost the notebook and that no one noticed? How could you lose something like that? That's like Roosevelt losing the atom bomb, woops it got stolen, guess we'll have to write that one off.

L (to Light) You look German.
Light: Yes, well, recessive genes I suppose.

Naomi: Light, wait up! You're going to put someone's eye out with that gun.
Light:That's sort of the idea.

Naomi: What did happen during the chain incident anyway?

Light: Naomi you don't even want to know.

She probably didn't. It probably had a lot to do with showers and magic bath soap and L. That in itself was enough of an image to scar her for life.

Naomi: [Most people] believe that man is essentially good and ride upon that faith throughout life.
Duck: That's a silly thing to believe. If I believed in the essential goodness of man I'd be Kira too and we certainly don't need two of those.

Naomi: Duck, Kira is a serial killer who believes he kills the irredeemable scum of the earth. I don't think he should be your role model of men who have faith in humanity.

Duck: He wouldn't bother if he thought there was no chance of redemption, he believes that most people have that spark of goodness in their hearts and only some are the scum of the earth. If he thought that all men were worthless he'd either do nothing or he'd just kill everyone.

L If you're finally going to admit that you're Kira I'll have you know that so far your various futures entail your being my sex slave, the government's sex slave, or locked up in some mental institution. Of the three I prefer your being my sex slave but the decision is yours. Or Naomi-chan could shoot you behind the chemical shed, if that's preferable.

L So really the only options that we have left after we prove that Light is Kira are for him to be my personal sex slave or to be shot behind the chemical shed. Prove to ourselves at least, I don't think we'll ever convince Soichiro or Matsuda even with the thirteen day rule. So Light since this is your immediate future which would you prefer, death or sex slave?

Naomi: You do realize that if L or Kira were to find out they would kill you... If Light finds out he'll probably kill you. However he might keep you around as a pawn and use you to reach his ultimate goal of creating a cult civilization in which he's god. That means that if you don't find yourself drowning in a swimming pool you'll find yourself brainwashed and tortured and then thinking nothing at all... If L finds you that's a whole different story. L won't kill you but he will tie you to a chair and leave you there to rot for fifty days and then pretend to execute you only to leave you alive so that the government can perform nasty experiments on you. He probably won't give you a trial but instead will leave you in a mental institution or have you killed off by thugs. Then he'll steal your name and use it as yet another detective name and that will be the end of that.

Duck: Why do you work for these people?

Light: Those weapons of mass destruction are slippery little devils. I'm beginning to think that the notebook is secretly the one ring lacking both a dark overlord and a fiery Mount Doom in which to destroy it.

    • And:

For some reason Naomi found herself thinking of The Godfather, and the horse's head tossed into a bed. Except the horse's head was Matt's and it was Mello's leopard printed waterbed that was soaked in blood.

Matsuda: Well, Inamo it turns out had an affair with Y's evil twin A and that A is now back in town but Y doesn't want Hikaru to know because he's afraid that A will seduce Y because they're identical and it's really hard to tell them apart.
Light: And let me guess Hikaru is going to sleep with both of them because he's not only gay but he's also a whore.
Matsuda: Um, well, I don't know if I'd use that term but what if he really can't tell the difference and then… Wow Light, you have really good ideas! You should help me write sometime!
Light: You know, this is excellent proof that I'm not Kira. Ryuzaki may be miserable and death-seeking but if I had been Kira then surely Matsuda would be dead by now.

"Light had been extremely careful and it would have been ridiculous to jump to the conclusion that he killed via notebook rather than magic bath towel. For months L had been convinced that Light had killed via bath towel, or magic shower soap, or just showers."

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