Christian Humber Reloaded

"This is a fanfiction (sort of) written by a guy I know. He's not a friend of mine."

As the legend goes, Christian Humber was a typical highly antisocial high school student who was addicted to Anime and Video Games of all sorts. Eventually, those running the boarding school he attended decided to perform an intervention in the hope of recalling him to life, and took away all his story-drugs. With nothing to spend his time on, Christian wrote...this.


It's hard to describe the plot of the story, not because it's intricate and involved, but because it's very... sporadic, to put it lightly. The first chapters describe a wolf whose family is killed by hunters, and who is subjected to experiments by scientists. Sort of Rats of NIMH by way of White Fang, you might say. The last chapters describe a cyborg vampire wolf-Saiyan-Demon-Dragon-Horteka armed to the teeth with multiply-apocalyptic superpowers and weapons marching on Washington alongside the father of all vampires, a world-hopping mystic knight, the hero's cyborg shark-man boyfriend, and the hero's half-brother, a miles-long dragon that can control the seasons. How did he get from point A to point B? By murdering billions of demons, monsters, aliens, soldiers, cops, scientists, and innocent bystanders from all across the multiverse.

Christian Humber Reloaded is a very strong contender for "worst fanfic ever written," aided by the fact that, unlike My Immortal, most agree that it is not a parody, stealth or otherwise. The storyline barely has any coherency, the protagonist is absurdly overpowered, the prose is unevocative with terrible grammar and punctuation, and a staggering number of series are butchered by virtue of being jammed into it with no regard to canon. It is so horrible it Crosses the Line Twice into pure, unmitigated awesome not experienced since Manos: The Hands of Fate.

A group of students at the school obtained a copy from Christian, which they then spread online for all to see with the sole intention of causing Humber humiliation. They were eventually forced by the school to publicly apologize for their harassment, but it was too late by then: they'd already unleashed the monstrous fanfic on us all and the name of Christian Humber had become infamous worldwide. Humber has recently revealed that he intended on posting the story eventually, though in his time on the internet he has yet to do so. More than anything else, the story serves as a very private look into the mind of a troubled youth.

The story, its "autopsy," and its webcomic adaptation can be found here. A second story by the author has been recently discovered.

Update: The webcomic by Normalman has sadly come to an end after Humber's family filed a complaint, and many videos relating to Christian Humber Reloaded have been taken down. Further, his family has been harassed by what we must assume to be idiots. Don't be like that.

Now has a character sheet which Needs More Love.

Not to be confused with another Christian.

Tropes used in Christian Humber Reloaded include:
  • Acquired Poison Immunity -- Humber becomes immune to tranquilizers after several incidents where they unceremoniously knock him out.
  • All Your Powers Combined -- Humber's "sides" seem to exist almost independently of each other, only "stacking" when they are explicitly "united." Goes triply overboard when he can "combine" all of his "sides" as well as engaging all his super modes at once.
  • Anachronism Stew -- The stories seem to take place in the modern day of Earth... even though the "modern day" is also concurrent with Starcraft (in the 2500's) and Warhammer 40,000 (in the... 40,000's) and has Halo (in the 2550's) in the apparent past.
  • Anticlimax -- The final battle (So far as everyone knows) is Blade/Vash/Humber/Kibasu battling the villainous mastermind George W Bush and his Corrupted Self ...with ease, and then becomes the de-facto president of America and decides to bog-off to the Farplane.
  • Anti-Hero -- Humber is Type V, going after people like criminals with no regard for human life or collateral damage.
  • Arc Words: "Ugly."
  • Artificial Limbs - Vash gets a robotic limb to replace his arm. An arm which already had an Arm Cannon, but then it got cut off. Or maybe the Arm Cannon was on his other arm and now he has two...? It's not really clear.
  • The Atoner: Vash sometimes works to atone for his crimes, especially late in Part 1, but this is often quickly forgotten about.
  • Author Appeal: Oh, god...
  • Back from the Dead -- Soku near the end of Part 1, who promptly gets killed by Vash when she arrives to take revenge.
  • Big No: Season-Bringer, after Vash's apparent death
  • BFG -- From time to time Humber will forgo using his almighty magical swords to fight with completely mundane (albeit military-grade) firearms. These are often patterned after weapons from Doom, but named after bits and pieces from Final Fantasy (e.g. the Thundaga Hellfragger rocket launcher and the Mother of All Guns).
    • He actually used Wing Zero's buster rifles once. Guns fit for a robot the size of the space shuttle.
  • BFS: Tetsume is pretty much a character in its own right, starting out as a katana bought from a store with the bounty money from killing Hitler. It's not surprising that it's broken all the time, to the point where it could qualify as the Butt Monkey.
  • Boring Invincible Hero -- In a startling display, averted for stretches at a time. While Humber invariably bounces back to victory, he faces a handful of losses and (extremely temporary) setbacks on the road to glory. He would be considerably less boring-invincible if he didn't gleefully skip past years of recovery at a time and use said recovery time to pack in millions of off-screen adventures.
  • Boxed Crook -- While in prison, Humber is recruited to hunt down convicts.
  • Breather Boss -- The ring master, who goes down quite easily, even compared to many of Vashs' other foes, and is not as much of a threat as other villains, is an in-universe example.
  • Captain Ersatz -- "Spin" the Hedgehog. Apparently a Sonic-recolor character Christian got permission to use.
  • Colonel Badass -- Humber leads the fight with his allies on many occasions, and ends up doing everything due to his insane power level. Particularly notable when he leads the Dark Templars, the Toa, and Season-Bringer against a billion-strong army of Zerg and winds up killing all of them but the Queen of Blades herself.
  • Comic Book Time -- Humber should be pushing 70 by the time the known story ends and is at middle age for much of the story, and he's even older when you factor in he's part wolf, but this is never brought up in-story. Even decades-long time skips leave the world with more-or-less modern technology.
  • Crapsack World -- Y'know the setting that gave the birth to Grimdark? That's canon in CHR. So is Doom and StarCraft, Halo and its bloody planet-obliterating war went down in the past despite it still being the modern day somehow, Wolf's Rain and its the-earth-is-literally-dying backstory is in... Really, this planet was screwed royally even before Humber showed up.
  • Curb Stomp Battle -- Nearly every fight Vash gets into, partly because the author does not describe them in much detail.
  • Cutscene Incompetence -- The only time Humber is ever vulnerable or able to be beaten is when the protagonist of a video game would be vulnerable due to cutscene incompetence. Seriously, check 'em out!
  • Death Is Cheap -- All of Vashblade's major foes--Kekanu, the Corrupted Self, and the assorted forces of Chaos--are killed and sealed away "forever" repeatedly, but always return. While Kekanu eventually bites the dust permanently, the last two keep on returning, right up to the final fight.
    • This doesn't only apply to his foes; his family is also brought back by Vash going back in time and replacing them with clones.
  • Department of Redundancy Department -- "...and I did."
  • Deus Ex Machina -- In trouble? Start sprouting new superpowers until you're out of it! Sometimes there's a justification, like triggering hidden elemental powers by returning to the arctic, or being really angry and popping a superpower blood vessel. Then you have, for example, the incident where he got two different time travel superpowers within a few seconds of each other for no reason. Vagna-Sin shoots him, so suddenly the Mask of Time from Bionicle slaps onto his face allowing him to pause time and dodge it. Vagna-Sin shoots again, blowing his arm off, so the Sands of Time flow into the mask enabling him to reverse time. What.
  • Deus Sex Machina -- His Fusions, according to the Autopsy.
  • Did Not Do the Research -- Hoo boy, this could take a while... Especially bizarre when he misspells names from roleplaying games, or glosses over facts about Warhammer despite being into the tabletop game and thus more knowledgeable about the setting than previously supposed.
  • Disney Death: Vash at the end of Part 2.
  • Disproportionate Retribution -- Vash plans to "wipe out (Soku's) entire gene pool" for turning him in to the police. For the record, wiping out her gene pool would involve wiping out the entire human race. Apparently for him it just means her extended family.
  • Don't Try This At Home: Vash, to the Toa, just before jumping into the middle of the Visoraks.
  • Dual-Wielding: Miniguns and keyblades.
  • Establishing Character Moment: Vash has trouble being accepted by a wolf pack because they consider him a threat. Soon afterwards, he proves them right (by his own admission) by killing the hunters that killed most of the pack.
  • Everything's Even Worse with Sharks -- Chridon is apparently a shark creature that is twelve feet tall and his power is comparable to Vash.
  • Fate Worse Than Death -- In Part 3, a police officer who follows Vash through a portal to Metru Nui gets turned into a freak of nature.
  • Forgotten Fallen Friend -- Sometimes Humber forgets his parents are supposed to be dead. Or that his friends are supposed to be dead. Or that his father's soul has just been destroyed, seconds after his father dies again, because he's too busy freaking out over the death of freaking Android 16 from DBZ.
  • Forgotten Phlebotinum -- For whatever reason Humber either forgets or deliberately fights without his full suite of powers. It's ambiguous as to if the author himself loses track of his powers, or if in-story Humber is Genre Savvy enough to know that lowballing his fights enables Eleventh-Hour Superpower excellence.
  • Friend to All Children -- Humber at the end of Part I.
  • Full-Frontal Assault -- In the web comic, after changing from human form to wolf and back again, Humber's spent several pages fighting in the buff. It's just as horrifyingly hilarious as it sounds.
  • Gadgeteer Genius -- "Genius" is debatable, but Humber assembles a few ridiculously overpowered and unlikely firearms to hunt ghouls just because Alucard said it couldn't be done.
  • Gatling Good: Vash wields two miniguns to kill the snobs.
  • Godzilla Threshold -- Just to remind you, this setting has roving bands of neo-Mongolian raider hordes, the Zerg, the Tyranids, the Flood, the one-and-only Heartless, Fiends born from Unsent dead, and hell-spawned zombies, Freak-Chip-spawned zombies, and flights of genocidal dragons and the Chicagoland gangsters that led them to a life of crime ALL HAPPENING SIMULTANEOUSLY. This is why anyone puts up with Humber at all. Really, just putting up with a few million civilian casualties every few years is downright mild compared to what would happen if one or all of the above got to tommyknock around unmolested.
  • Gosh Dang It to Heck -- semi-Averted. Throughout most of the story, Humber is perfectly fine saying "fuck", "shit", et cetera...but constantly censors the word "bitch". This seems to be because the headmaster of his school was a feminist, and often ranted about how offensive the word was.
  • Half-Human Hybrid -- He's a wolf with a "human form," but he's also a Super Saiyan and he seems to be part demon and dragon as well as Hordeka. Chridon is a Megaolodon/human hybrid.
  • Heroes Prefer Swords -- He likes swords.
  • Heroic Sociopath -- Oh, yes.
  • Hero Insurance -- Vash manages to avoid any consequences for destroying a building to deal with a nuke as part of his convict and terrorist hunting job.
  • Hitler's Time Travel Exemption Act -- Averted, but without the time travel. No, this story does not take place during World War II, Hitler's just there to be assassinated, with no explanation. Bladevash kills Hitler, then kills the man who hired him, then uses the reward money to buy a sword.
  • Adventure Narrator Syndrome -- Averted...massively! The earliest example is when Humber goes toe-to-toe with a demon dragon which can only be harmed by the Shing-Shingo sword, which in turn can only put it to sleep for a thousand years. What does Humber do? Ram it together with one of his backup swords, which combines both their strengths and none of their weaknesses. Down goes the dragon.
  • Infinity+1 Sword -- Tetsume is not only the ultimate sword that can decimate armies, like Humber it continues to level up. By the time the story reaches its midpoint Humber has enough infinity-plus-one swords to outfit the entire cast of any given Suikoden game.
  • Karma Houdini -- Vash eventually gets to the point where the police refuse to go after him because of how powerful he is.
  • Large Ham -- Vash when he fights his enemies.
  • Lego Genetics -- Literally. Humber is a wolf-saiyan-demon-dragon-Hordeka (from Bionicle, a Lego toyline) who may also have vampire powers and has a quarter-Saiyan dragon half-brother.
  • Lightning Bruiser -- Chridon is not only quite strong, but also faster than Vash.
  • Magic A Is Magic A -- Humber is more than willing to see what happens when Magic A collides headlong with Magic B, C, D, Sigma, Guymelef...
  • Magic Knight -- While more knightly than magical, Humber makes extensive use of supernatural abilities to compliment his melee combat. Kekanu and his family fight bare-handed as well as with magic spells powerful enough to capture Humber.
  • Medieval Stasis -- Of a sort. The Earth seems to be stuck at modern tech despite being surrounded by higher-tech aliens, some of them human, as well as being in contact with alternate dimensions with higher or at least more interesting tech.
  • Mega Crossover -- In order of introduction: Trigun, Dragonball Z, Bionicle, Sonic the Hedgehog, Dawn of War, Final Fantasy Unlimited, Inuyasha (in the form of a white Shikon jewel smacking him in the head), StarCraft, Kingdom Hearts, Outlaw Star (via a "Castor" shotgun!), The Matrix (blatantly stealing several action scenes from the first movie), Doom (with weapons renamed after Final Fantasy mainstays), Inu Yasha again (recasting Humber as Inu Yasha), Halo, Wolf's Rain, Mega Man X, Final Fantasy X, Prince of Persia (circa Playstation 2/Xbox), Hellsing, and last and least Street Sharks. That's a total of nineteen different series crossed over, repeatedly. That is, a total of nineteen that the average nerd would recognize. Beyond this there are any number of cliche storylines, plotlines gingerly taken from existing movies and other media, and truly bizarre digressions and statements that may be references to stuff the average Internet jockey can't begin to identify. References can be quite subtle and nearly relentless.
    • Half the challenge is finding a franchise that's NOT been included. Street Sharks, maybe, but the Lancer...
    • In the chapter TRIGGER HAPPINESS TIME he uses a Samurai and an AIMS-20 from 007-Nightfire.
  • Negative Continuity -- His parents die in the first few sentences, but they come back in the second chapter without so much as a nod to the beginning of the story. Yet, later on, they're dead again! ...sometimes!
    • Not to mention his dead-sort-of-demon wolf-brother... thing.
  • New Powers as the Plot Demands
    • Sometimes even when the plot doesn't demand it. Memorably, Humber once read a prophecy in the sky predicting a "hero of light" would stomp some heartless monsters about ten seconds before someone phoned him about a bunch of Heartless in need of a hero to stomp 'em. Whaaaaa
  • Nice Job Breaking It, Hero -- While the "hero" part is questionable, Vash wasn't expecting that killing the demon dragon would start the Ying-Yang War.
  • No Hugging, No Kissing -- Vash-Blade doesn't seem to have any sort of sex drive or romantic inclinations despite vaguely hinting that he had a fling with a couple of girls in the past. One of whom was a little Japanese girl.
  • No Name Given -- The little girl and her father. He later meets up with another little girl and her father, but this time, the girl's name is revealed to be Soku.
  • Noodle Incident -- Tons, including several that we are hypothetically witnessing. Usually invoked to explain why the Queen of Blades has his number or why Humber has Zero (from Megaman X)'s old armor.
  • Offstage Villainy -- It's hard to tell how evil most of the villains are by how they're portrayed in the fic, since they do little except fight Vash.
  • Omnicidal Maniac -- Humber himself. He wipes out whole planets as part of a battle with the forces of Chaos, what he calls the "System Destruction Technique."
  • Our Dragons Are Different - Several dragons, including Season-Bringer, show up with various powers. Vash turns into a dragon from the end of Part 5 to the beginning of Part 6.
  • Planet Eris -- The entire universe has a bad case of the crazies.
  • Playing with Syringes -- The origin of Chridon and Humber's convenient telepathy. And the origin of Christian Humber himself, at the behest of George W. Bush.
  • Plot Induced Stupidity -- The only reason Humber loses at all is because he's rock bloody stupid. Most evident when he goes from killing an omnipotent incarnation of entropy and being nominated the judge of the dead to getting surprised and poisoned by robot spiders within three paragraphs of either event.
  • Power Dyes Your Hair -- Vash's hair turns "white-silver-blue color" in Chaos Hunter Form.
  • President Evil - The last enemy Vash fights is the President of the United States.
  • Protagonist-Centered Morality -- Quite often. Any slight against Vash is considered as being worthy of his retribution, which tends to involve killing the perpetrators and often, everyone related to them.
  • The Quincy Punk -- Humber's general attitude toward life. The generic "punk" style also shows up as the costume of choice for several of his alt modes: "he was wearing tattered chain paints, a torn black T-shirt, no shoes, a torn leather jacket, one ear pierced and he had a spiked necklace on..."
  • Rated "M" for Manly -- It's a troubled teenager showing off his anger, what else were you expecting?
  • Redshirt Army -- The Imperial Guard of Warhammer 40,000 launch a direct attack on the Eye Of Terror!
  • Rouge Angles of Satin -- Nigh-constantly, and in fact, directly:
    • "Not even God and Satin could stop me."
  • Scaled Up -- Vash turns into a dragon at the end of Part 5, a form that he must learn how to control.
  • Science Is Bad -- Scientists killed his family. Humber later clarifies that he only hates science when it inconveniences him and doesn't like being experimented on, as he has no problem with cybernetic limbs and nuclear weapons.
  • Sci-Fi Writers Have No Sense of Scale -- Season-Bringer is probably the most Egregious use, but any time numbers are used counts. This goes both absurdly high and absurdly low. Season-Bringer is 22 miles long, yet somehow weighs as much as the United States (including the continent it's built on!), and in spite of that ridiculous size and mass "only" needs a few million tons of flesh and bone to sustain himself. Somehow he can still fit in a two-man spaceship.
  • Self-Destructive Charge -- Kekanu's family after Kithongo perishes in battle.
  • Self-Insert Fic -- Some reports claim the author thought it was his real life.
  • Shoulder Cannon -- One is mounted on Chridon.
  • Slobs Versus Snobs -- Later in the story, Humber and company descend on a party thrown by some "rich snobs" who are never seen acting snobbish. Humber and company kill all of them, plus their hundreds of guards, and inflict over a trillion dollars (U.S. dollar or Spiran Gil?) of property damage. All in a day's work.
  • Shout-Out -- "location reached, facing Chaos, battle routine set, Execute!”
  • Special Guest -- A few characters, like Alucard from Hellsing, Android 16 from Dragonball Z, most of the cast of Final Fantasy X, and Zero from Megaman X, appear as what can only be described as guest stars in the ongoing story of Humber. Some just show up to deliver a few lines, hand over their iconic equipment/power, and leave (e.g. the Prince from Prince of Persia shows up to inform Humber that he's just absorbed the Sands of Time and then get freaked out by Sin's skin flakes attacking him and Humber).
  • Spiritual Successor / Fan Sequel: Writing like Christian Humber is fun. There are numerous fanfics written in the style, usually written as one of Vashblade's numerous side adventures.
  • Stupid Evil: Vash's taking Seymour and Yunalesca out of the Farplane, torturing them and leaving them not quite dead. Since he tends to fight to stop villains most of the time (if only because he thinks he's the only one allowed to kill people), this doesn't make sense for any of his goals. He also gets captured when he goes to check up on and laugh at the cop he turned into a freak of nature.
  • Super-Powered Evil Side -- The Corrupted Self, in theory, is Humber's "shadow" torn free and set loose. Humber himself is just one massive superpowered evil side, though, as most of his powers are described as "unstable" or incapable of being controlled, and yet he uses them without any regard to consequences.
  • Super Mode -- Humber has more superpowered modes than anybody in their right mind would ever need. On the low end, he can transform into any of his component "sides," ranging from a normal wolf to a Hordeka all the way to becoming a dragon or, most commonly, a Super Saiyan. He gains new super modes at the drop of a hat, extending to Kingdom Hearts' drive forms to Digimon's "ultimate" and "mega" evolutions. Most nightmarishly, he can stack super modes.
  • Sword and Gun -- Vash commonly wields Tetsume and the Magun together.
  • That Came Out Wrong -- "I killed her and if I let her live she would tell the people who are after me that I have a thing for children." Said to a bunch of little kids.
  • Theme Music Power-Up -- Invoked by Humber, who occasionally "sets his theme song" in anticipation of ass-kickings to come.
  • There Is No Kill Like Overkill "I was ready to give chaos a whole new meaning of the word "Overkill".
  • This Is Something He's Got to Do Himself: Vash is told to stay out of the Toa's fight with the leader of the Visoraks, and does so until he sees them losing.
  • Time Skip -- Humber would just skip 5.. 10.. 20 years at a time, completely circumventing recovery from whatever might beset him and allowing him to throw in even more of whatever as the plot demands.
  • Time Travel -- He then proceeds to mess up history with little to no consequences for his actions, and comes even more powerful for it. His judicious use of cloning technology still keeps a wide-open plot hole for several important events, unsurprisingly.
  • Too Dumb to Live -- Vash's dog arena handler, who reaches in to pet him despite having raised him as a vicious fighting dog.
  • Took a Level in Badass -- Vash takes several over the course of the plot, starting out as an ordinary wolf before gaining several transformation powers, as well as several powerful and magical weapons. Sora gets some of Vash's power when Vash heals his injures.
  • Took a Level in Jerkass -- Vash kills more and more people for no good reason as the story goes on despite initially killing only those who threatened him.
  • Training from Hell -- His training with the Toa, which includes being weighed down with the heaviest metal (which Normalman notes is the incredibly unmasculine Osmium). Humber inflicts this on himself when need be, training in such places as the center of a black hole and the Otherworld. Briefly inverted when he trains in the Farplane--training from Heaven, as it were.
  • Trope Overdosed: Christian Humber Reloaded is every trope from every series crossed over (except for the huggy kissy girly parts) stacked on top of each other and thickly iced with sheer batshit insanity to create a layer cake of literary terror.
  • Unfamiliar Ceiling -- Twice near the beginning, first in the village, then the Toa. This happens to him a lot, as his more epic battles tend to leave Vashblade arbitrarily hyper-damaged and thus in need of recuperation.
    • Off the top of the coroner's head, he wakes up in: the little girl and her father's house, in the Toa's hut, in the hospital after the Kekanu fight, in the arctic wolves' caverns twice in a row, in heaven after killing the Eye of Terror, in the care of the Past Matorin after getting Horteka'd, in Area 51 after taunting the cop he mutated, in Dead Humber Cave after getting de-cursed by Kagone, in the super evil lab after getting caught with the rest of the cast of Wolf's Rain, in the Farplane after defeating his Corrupted Self, and in Chridon's hut after re-re-killing the Eye of Terror.
  • Villainous BSOD -- When Season-Bringer tells Humber that they're half-brothers, Humber has an inexplicable breakdown when he insists that his whole family is dead.
  • Weaksauce Weakness -- Humber is vulnerable to paralysis magic. That's right, he's weak against a Useless Useful Spell!
  • Unstoppable Rage -- Part of his powering-up procedure is to GO INSANE AND LOSE CONTROL OF HIS ACTIONS!
  • Year Inside, Hour Outside -- The Hyperbolic Time Chamber. Vash has 10 days before the start of the Ying-Yang war, so he uses the chamber to train for 10 years.
  • You Gotta Have Blue Hair -- Taken to extremes with Humber's super forms, including one with "gold-blue-silver-white hair."
  • You Fail Biology Forever -- Season-Bringer is a male dragon. When we first meet him, he's pregnant. Also, wolves apparently have a human form, and can talk.

Tropes associated with the webcomic

  • Acceptable Targets -- Jokingly invoked in the commentary On some of Soku's friends, whom Vash killed.

Author's Notes: Only Cmdrchicken’s portrayal of these victims as “anime nerds/furries/whatever the hell it is now” brings any consolation to my broken heart.

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