United States Armed Forces

The United States Armed Forces (USAF) make up the United States's military and about one-third of the cast of any given Michael Bay movie. The best way to summarize the branches are as follows: The only "real" branches are the Army and Navy, while the Marine Corps is a warrior cult and the Air Force is a corporation.

It never changes
War
A view to kill
v - t - e
“”The usual jokes about the army aside, one of the many fine things one has to admit is the way that the army has carried the American democratic ideal to its logical conclusion, in the sense that not only do they prohibit discrimination on the grounds of race, creed and color, but also on the grounds of ability.
—Tom Lehrer[1]

The Army

The United States Army is a branch of the armed forces of the United States (the other four are the Navy, the Air Force, the Marines and the Coast Guard, leading to the symbolism of the shape of their administration building, the Pentagon). The U.S. Army is the oldest of these five branches and used to have its own cabinet department (the Department of War). However, now its administration falls under the auspices of the Department of Defense.

The U.S. Army is still the largest branch of the United States' armed forces, though it tends to get the most ridicule from the other branches. Also despite having more personnel than either the Air Force or Navy, it receives only slightly more funding. If Air Force or Navy personnel are ever forced to stay on an Army base, they are compensated for the "poor living conditions".

History

It was established on June 14, 1775 under the guise of the Continental Army. It is very proud of its traditions (though it is not nearly as tradition-bound as the Navy). The ethos that has guided the army for most of its history is that of the "citizen-soldier" and it likes to consider itself the most egalitarian of the branches, which is why it has the lowest standards for joining.

It should be noted that despite the general perception of intellectual inferiority in the Army, some of the most educated and most influential officers of the modern era (such as General Petraeus and Colonel Gentile) are Army officers.

Due to being constantly understaffed, it is often the easiest branch to get into. In particular, the Army is often more flexible with fitness guidelines than the other branches. Notably, those in support positions have much easier basic combat training than infantry and direct combat personnel (compare basic combat training at Fort Benning versus Fort "Relaxin'" Jackson). Despite this, roughly 27% of young Americans are still too obese to join.[2]

The Navy

The United States Navy is one of the five branches of the armed services of the United States.[3] More recently, it is also the fattest branch, surpassing even the Army.[4]

History

Founded on October 13, 1775, the U.S. Navy was the Yanks' response to the British Royal Navy. Hopelessly outmanned outgunnedFile:Wikipedia's W.svg and outfunded, the Americans went to their crepe-eating cousins for help. This was the last time France helped anyone (except Argentina during the Falklands War).[5]

The years since then have seen the fleets develop from six pirate hunting badass frigatesFile:Wikipedia's W.svg to what is essentially the world's only blue-water navy. A good example of the current strength of the Navy can be seen in the number of aircraft carrier groups that are deployed by different countries, as aircraft carriers are the capital ships of the day. They are the greatest projection of force on the water today. China has one full-size carrier (i.e. not a helicopter carrier or amphibious assault ship) which was formerly the Soviet carrier Varyag, is building another and plans at least two more,[6] India has one and is building two, Russia still has the semi-functional Admiral Kuznetsov from the old Soviet Union which has to be accompanied everywhere by a tug (having finally stopped bullshitting that it's an "aviation cruiser" in a failed attempt to get it through the Bosphorus), Italy has one and is building another, France has one, Thailand (!) has one designed for Harriers, though nowadays it only carries helicopters, and Britain has one undergoing sea trials and is building a second but can only afford half the planes and crews needed, so one will be mothballed as soon as they finish building it (because Gordon Brown wrapped them in so much red tape that cancelling them would cost more than building them). By contrast, the United States has eleven (with another under construction and two more ordered). The United States maintains a similar advantage in submarines (both ballistic and attack), VSTOL carriers (used amphibious assault, helicopters and STOVL jets) and almost every other kind of ship.

Officers

The U.S. Navy employs a few people that run around and bark orders at their minions. Despite having really cool-looking officers' uniforms, U.S. Naval officers aren't as cool as the Marines. They are noted for pronouncing "lieutenant" completely wrong without an "f" somehow inserted in the middle.

Warrant officers

Almost there, but not quite.

Enlisted

Despite having really gay uniforms, enlisted folks in grades E-1 through E-6 work really hard at combating the stereotype produced by The Village People. Those lucky enough to make the cut to the Chief Petty Officer ranks (E-7 through E-9) get to sit in the goat locker.

The Marines

The United States Marine Corps is one of five branches of the Armed Forces. Although a separate service, it is a department under the Navy. Originally called the Continental Marines, according to its tradition it was formed on November 10, 1775 in a bar called Tun Tavern,[7] though historians believe it was actually a different bar in the same town called the Conestoga Waggon.[8] While the Army is the land infantry, the Marines were originally formed as naval infantry. Sailors in the Navy will happily remind you that "Marine" stands for "My Ass Rides In Navy Equipment".

Mission

The Marine Corps is easily the most socially conservative and tradition bound of the service branches. A certain degree of macho stigma has been attached to Marines. The modern Marine Corps still retains some of its naval infantry heritage, with its force structure centered around a combined air-ground unit launched from several VSTOL/helicopter carriers, unimaginatively called the Marine Air-Ground Task Force (MAGTF). The most combat-focused of the service branches, the Marine Corps primarily serves as a rapidly deployable expeditionary force. There has been some consternation that the Marines have become a second Army and there are various debates that the Marines are encroaching on the Army's role and mission. Indeed, aside from pride and differences in heritage, culture and slang, the operational capabilities are becoming increasingly blurred between the Marine and Army infantry. The Marine Corps jealously guards its unique assets from other branches, like STOVL aircraft and amphibious assault capabilities, and despite the (quite extensive) overlap in capabilities with the Army, any suggestions of merging them with the Army will generate a shitstorm to say the least.

Marines love to think they're the toughest guys around, likely because they have the longest and toughest recruit training. They like to think they're better than the Army (and all the other service branches, for that matter). Just look at the last verse of their hymn to see how they view other branches. Of course, they probably don't often mention that many of their core assets (like the Amphibious Assault "Gators") are owned and partly manned by the Navy. Refers to members of other service branches as Doggie, Squid and Zoomie.

The Marines get the smallest share of the defense budget (though on the other hand their force structure is ring-fenced by the same act that established the Air Force), but can perform a vast variety of missions. May be partly explained by the fact that Marines tend to get second hand stuff from the Army and Navy. Marines are generally the most deployable force, short of special operation forces. They give the taxpayer money the most bang for the buck.

Enlisted

It's no surprise enlisted makes up the vast majority of the Marine Corps. Most people who go through 13 weeks of summer camp boot camp at Parris Island, South Carolina or San Diego, California to earn the EGA (Eagle, Globe, and Anchor) would serve a four year stint. Many get out as salty unmotivated Lance Corporals who got sick of all the crap the Marine Corps doesn't advertise, like those field days every Thursdays where the squad bay is scrubbed and cleaned beyond the point of logic, ego/power tripping Gunnys treating grown adults like kids, armory lines and returns, and the very existence of the vast majority of First Sergeants.

There exists a cultural difference between the infantry (03xx MOS) and supporting personnel, who are referred to as POGs (Person Other than Grunt).

Non-commissioned officers

Non-commissioned officers (NCOs), or E-4 and above, are the backbone of the Marine Corps and they get to have those fancy Blood Stripes on their Dress Blues. For whatever reason, staff non-commissioned officers (SNCOs) seem to become total dickwads past E-8, leading many to question what the point of a First Sergeant and Sergeant Major even is other than making everyone's lives miserable. Might be because a lot of sensible Marines sees all the fuckery in the system and don't bother reenlisting, while plenty of shitbirds stay in and climb the ranks. God help you if your platoon sergeant just had a drill instructor billet...

Officers

Most officers get their commission through the 10 week Officer Candidates School (OCS) and then the 6 month The Basic School (TBS) before going to whatever specialty school they need to and then join the fleet. Most boot lieutenants ("butterbars") somehow think they're Chesty Puller reborn and believe that throwing whatever stereotypical Marine jargon ("It would behoove you...") will make them look super salty and impressive, and that they will know as much as enlisted Marines with 12 years on the job, yet somehow manages to shoot an compass azimuth backwards. On occasion they also need to get Lance Corporal Dumbass out of trouble, usually for something related to alcohol and thus make weekend liberty safety briefs just that much longer.

The Coast Guard

The service that everyone forgets about, but the United States Coast Guard is one of the United States Armed Forces. Established in 1790 in Newburyport, Massachusetts,[9] originally it was known as the Revenue Cutter Service. As the name suggests, it was originally involved in counter smuggling and enforcement of duties and tariffs (before the income tax customs duties represented the majority of the federal government's revenue). It was later merged with the United States Lighthouse Service, Steamboat Inspection Service, Bureau of Navigation and the Lifesaving Service.[10] Similar in some respects to the Navy, the Coast Guard operates as a maritime force on the Atlantic and Pacific Oceans, the Gulf of Mexico, the waters around Alaska and the Great Lakes. The agency has both military and law enforcement duties and is the only branch of the military allowed to enforce civilian laws. They provide defense and border security as well as search and rescue operations. They are sometimes forgotten in comparison to the other branches and are on occasion erroneously categorized as a civilian police force. They should be familiar to anyone who watches The Deadliest Catch. They operate a fleet of patrol ships ("cutters") and rescue helicopters, and have numerous outposts along the coast (duh). Though perceived and ridiculed as easy and lax, the Coast Guard training is the second toughest of all the branches of the armed forces, after the Marines.

The Coast Guard consists of the Coast Guard proper and the Coast Guard Reserve. The organization's academy is located in New London, Connecticut. Unlike the other branches of the military, the Coast Guard is not part of the Department of Defense. Currently it is part of the Department of Homeland Security, but it started as part of the Treasury Department and was moved to the Department of Transportation.

The Air Force

The United States Air Force was originally formed in 1907 as the Aeronautical Division, Signal Corps, a component of the U.S. Army, and went through five more names between then and 1947 with U.S. Army Air Forces (1941–1947) being the most well known, before becoming its own branch with the National Security Act of 1947.[11] It has over 300,000 active duty members[12] and is headed by the Secretary of the Air Force and is a part of the Department of Defense. The United States Air Force Academy is located in Colorado Springs, Colorado.[13].

Mission

The mission of the U.S. Air Force has shifted over the years, since the Army, Navy and Marines all have their own aircraft. Indeed, the Air Force has never been the only branch of service with aircraft at its disposal: the Navy has never given up its combat air arm (indeed, they went so far in its defence as to staunchly oppose the creation of the Air Force as a separate service) and the closest the Army came to surrendering all its airpower to the Air Force was shortly following the 1947 creation of the Air Force, when they retained only such aircraft as were deemed "organic" to the Army, such as those intended for reconnaissance near the front lines or courier functions, with a limit on aircraft weight of 2,500 pounds for fixed-wing aircraft and 4,000 for rotary-wing aircraft.[14] During the Cold War, the Air Force was home to the Strategic Air Command, which was basically the bombers and (land-based) ICBMs capable of waging nuclear war along with their support systems like tanker aircraft and long-range recon planes: the other main division was Tactical Air Command, responsible for fighters and the like. TAC was notoriously in love with the idea of the fighter as a guided missile bus that would engage the enemy without ever seeing them and when traditional air-to-air combat reemerged in Vietnam (due to air-to-air missile hit rates in combat being staggeringly lower than expected) the Air Force embarrassingly could barely achieve parity with the theoretically much worse equipped North Vietnamese Air Force's legacy MiGs. Even by 1972, the Air Force still hadn't learned its lesson. This, while the Navy and Marines pilots were kicking ass and taking names in Operation Linebacker thanks to a little known program called TOPGUN (it distinctly helped that they weren't chugging around in the F-105 Thunderchief, an aircraft originally designed as a low-level tactical nuclear bomber and not in any way for dogfighting). Ever wonder why one of the most iconic films about air combat features Navy pilots?

The modern age of precision guided aerial munitions also began in Vietnam and was specifically because it took U.S. Air Force and U.S. Navy aircraft hundreds of attacks over a period of seven years to blow up a bridge.

Things have gotten better today (though the pendulum has swung so far towards fighters that the United States is still fielding a fleet of ancient B-52s: these and old C-130s mean the average age of a U.S. aircraft's airframe is greater than the average age of a U.S. pilot) and the Air Force run the fighters and strike aircraft that operate from land-based airstrips. They even have their own knockoff of TOPGUN (Weapons School and Aggressor Squadrons). That said, Air Force's obsession with premature bleeding-edge technology and changing requirements partway through development means that their programs are notorious for delays and spiraling developmental costs (see the F-111, B-2, F-22, F-35, etc: in fact the last U.S. military aircraft delivered on time and within budget was the B-52) and the budget is not helped by frequent purchasing cuts that increase per-unit costs even more (see the B-2 (132 aircraft cut to 75 and then 21) and F-22 (750 cut to 648, 339, 266 and ultimately 187) in particular.

An increasing part of the Air Force is the so-called "chair force", that being drone crews: in March 2017 there were more job positions for the MQ-1 Predator and MQ-9 Reaper than any manned aircraft,[15] with over a thousand U.S. Air Force pilots sitting in trailers watching blurry Arabs go to the toilet and waiting to see if the CIA wanted them blown up today or not. By all accounts this is an utterly thankless task, possibly more stressful than piloting a normal aircraft and earns these people the scorn of "real" pilots. Needless to say, the other services are less fussy and apply the term "chair force" to the entire Air Force.

Aside from direct air combat and air support, the Air Force provides logistical support to other branches (and most of NATO) in its airlift capabilities. The Air Force also maintains extensive space launch capabilities and are responsible for the GPS satellites that people now take for granted. It also hires numerous civilian employees in its Air Force Research Laboratory, which performs research and development and collaborates with NASA as well as many universities across the United States.

Enlisted

Regardless of your rank, if you are enlisted you are acting as support for flight crews. Obviously compared to the other branches the living conditions here for enlisted personnel is higher, often times former soldiers, sailors and marines say they wished they joined the Air Force instead after spending a few days on an Air Force base. Enlisted airmen go through a six-week basic training program at Lackland Air Force Base in San Antonio, Texas. [16]. It's also the only branch of the U.S. military where NCO status is achieved when an enlisted airmen reaches the pay grade of E-5 [17].

Officers

Pilots here basically get all the glory. Fighter pilots tend to receive more prestige compared to the rest, unfortunately developing a fighter pilot "jock culture" mentality within the organization, and resulting in commanders of fighter squadrons being more likely to be promoted over other commissioned officers.[18]

gollark: However, consider the following.
gollark: Interesting.
gollark: If your brain loses oxygen input for something like 10 seconds, you become unconscious, and it fully shuts down given a few minutes or something like that.
gollark: Oxygen is needed to run aerobic respiration. Aerobic respiration is needed by lots of body stuff - muscles can run on anaerobic respiration for a bit, but not things like the brain.
gollark: I mean, you can go without oxygen input for a few minutes (I think because of stuff held in the lungs, though - stopping time would break absorption of that), but stuff does actually need it.

References
  1. Tom Lehrer, It Makes a Fellow Proud to Be a Soldier, from the album An Evening With Tom Lehrer, transcribed at genius.com.
  2. Too Fat to Fight
  3. http://www.navy.com/
  4. https://taskandpurpose.com/health-fitness/navy-fattest-military-branch
  5. And Russia in World War I. Oh, and aspiring democrats all over Europe after the French Revolution.
  6. China also owns two Soviet VTOL carriers which have since been turned into hotels for some reason and until 2002 had a 1950s-era Australian carrier which had been sold to them for scrap in 1985 with the steam catapults still in place.
  7. http://www.marines.com/
  8. http://www.history.com/news/history-lists/7-things-you-may-not-know-about-the-u-s-marine-corps
  9. http://newburyport.com/coast-guard/
  10. http://www.uscg.mil/history/articles/h_USCGhistory.asp
  11. U.S. Air Force: Factsheets
  12. Airman Magazine, Volume 54 Number 3, p. 46.
  13. United States Air Force Academy
  14. U.S. Air Force: Basic Documents on Roles and Missions, pp. 237
  15. http://www.military.com/daily-news/2017/03/08/drone-milestone-more-rpa-jobs-any-other-pilot-position.html
  17. [https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/United_States_Air_Force
  18. [https://www.airforcetimes.com/news/your-air-force/2019/02/27/fighter-jock-culture-may-be-holding-air-force-back-rand-study-says/
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