Those Lacking Spines

Let's just say it's not been Vexen's day.

Once upon a time, in The World That Never Was, at an indeterminate time of day, Xaldin, Vexen, and Lexaeus encountered a monster that was destroying the Organization by taking their... you know. Immune thanks to them being "ugly" (a teenage fanbrat is in control and clearly doesn't realize that these three Lexaeus is MANLY), these three nobodies embark on a world-hopping journey to save their comrades, battling the gutless and countless pop culture references, in an attempt to restore logic, sanity and good humor to the fanfiction universe, all while protecting their groins from assault by the Semes. Who are kind of like The Heartless, but instead of hearts, are disembodied, um... you know.

Yes, really.

Those Lacking Spines is a Kingdom Hearts fanfiction written by Gexegee of Organization VI. As a Meta Fic, it parodies just about every aspect of bad fanfiction. Xaldin, Vexen, and Lexaeus race through alternate universes, and encounter a wide variety of Fanfic Tropes, including Slash Fics, High School AUs, Self Insert Fics, Song Fics, Cross Overs, Crack Fics, Wangst, and Canon Defilement, while keeping the plot of Gutless changing the remaining members of Organization XIII into shadows of themselves. Along the way, it viciously lampoons several other franchises, lovingly mocking everything under the sun in a brilliant, hilarious (and sometimes long-winded) romp through fanfiction itself.

Tropes used in Those Lacking Spines include:

“Nevertheless,” Lexaeus still had his fierce gaze locked on the imposter Nobody as he pulled his tomahawk up out of the ground. “Larxene is our comrade-in-arms and we will not stand for what you have done to her. In the name of the real Organization XIII—prepare to die.”

“Don’t be so worried, gentlemen. We can utilize a Gelatinous Confectionary Transportation Vehicle.”
“You mean a gummi ship,” Lexaeus nudged him in the elbow.

[Sakura-Rose:]“You’ll never defeat me, you hideous beast, because I represent all that is pure and good and light in the world, and YOU are an evil creature with no heart and I have a heart and it holds nothing but love for ALL LIVING THINGS! And you’ll never be able to scare me, either! My will is as strong as stone!”
“Really?” Lexaeus asked lamely, and with the slightest movement of his hand, Sakura-Rose was crushed to death beneath two tons of Irony and a gigantic summoned slab of rock.

    • Also twice with Jeffiroth: the first time with a 'get on with it' and the second by snapping his Badass Locks off.
  • Significant Anagram - Xuxastell, which, as Xaldin quickly figures out, unscrambles to "Axel Slut," or "Axel Lust," if you insist.
  • Solve the Soup Cans

“Of course, this object is not going to be anywhere nearby. Oh no. It’s going to be locked up on the complete other end of the tower, behind six other locked doors, also sealed by ridiculously complicated keys and puzzles. Maybe even pieces of keys and puzzles, which we will have to run off and fetch in the most ludicrous of places before we can even think about getting out of here.”

It was unfortunate for the Grand Master Fangirl that this sickly little idea was not any ordinary idea—it was a being that lacked a brain, a heart, a spine and most importantly, it lacked… you know.

  1. ↑ After what seemed like hours upon hours of encountering Care Bears, more whiny and hapless teenagers than Destiny Whatever High School could ever hope to house, obnoxious children wielding electric rats and card games and fighting tops and digital electric rats and phantasmal powers and magical planet powers and dinosaur fairies and magic sketchbooks and any number of silly things, Dean Koontz novels, Broadway musicals, television gourmet chefs, television lawyer shows, reality shows, CSI: Miami, fast food advertisement personalities, terrifying crack monsters with televisions in their stomachs, terrifying crack monsters with beady eyes and no mouths and hypnotic brainwashing dances, pop singers, boy bands, pop singers who solved mysteries, boy bands who solved mysteries, rappers, rappers who solved mysteries about pop singers and boy bands, and Lindsay Lohan, Vexen collapsed from exhaustion in the middle of nowhere, praying to any merciful deity of the Nobodies or any kind of merciful deity at all for the sweet deliverance of sudden death.
  2. ↑ "Let's go through the checklist," Xaldin suggested, one eyebrow raised high over the other as he examined their surroundings quizzically. "Dark skies?" "Check," Lexaeus nodded. "Foreboding, overly complicated architecture and/or some kind of ruins?" "Indeed," Vexen confirmed. "Epic-sounding technopop and/or metal music in the background?" "Yep." "Cryptic clues and references to the end of things, and/or excessively pretentious area names?" "We have stepped into the Haven of Wasted Epiphanies," Vexen announced, reading from a convenient nearby sign. "Up ahead is the Village of Twisted Thoughts and the Subdivision of Broken Endings. Triple check." "Yes. I thought so," Xaldin sighed. "This is a Final World if ever I saw one."
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