< Hellfire Commentaries

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Sonic the Hedgehog 2006 (w/ FastestThingAlive)

  • FTA's reaction to the "Who's The Captain?" mission:

FTA: ...WHAT?! You're fucking jo--please tell me you're joking on that, please tell me, tell me he, I, just, ....e-e-excuse me for ten seconds please... (Leaves his mic) WHAT THE FUCK?! GRAAAAAAHH! -thud- -thud- -thud-

NTom: (as FTA returns) All better now?

    • Made even funnier by the dialogue during the game WHILE he says this.

FTA: WHAT THE FUCK?!
Sonic: That was incredible!
FTA: FUUUUCK!

Shadow: Let's get MOVING!

  • Near the end of Part 15 of Silver's story:

FTA: This has been ten minutes and forty-seven seconds of my life I'll never get back. Damn you all to hell!
NTom64: Don't be silly... you don't have a life!

  • FTA: Silver's head looks like marijuana!

Sonic the Hedgehog 2006 (w/ TheHelldragon; canceled)

  • "I feel up for a boss! Don't you, Tom?" (Helldragon) "Hmm, is this loading screen the boss?" (NTom)
  • "I'm so glad that this cutscene of the Cerberus being destroyed was sandwiched by loading screens, because THAT'S what we needed!" (Helldragon)
  • A throwback to the Kingdom Hearts playthrough:

Tom: That dialogue with Tails was terrible.
Helldragon: His gesturing is terrible. "Oh man, I hope we solve this mystery!" And he's flailing at the air like a moron!
Tom: Mm. Parasite Cage would be ashamed.
Helldragon: Buh, Parasite Cage should just jump in and kill them all, and then I can get a drink.

  • This exchange:

NTom: By the way, this is intentional. (Sonic runs into a wall of spikes)

Helldragon: Well, why'd you do that?

NTom: Because he deserves it, okay?

  • "I am now mounting you from behind! Forever!" (Helldragon)
  • "Look at me ma! I can use computer!" (Helldragon)
  • "No! Typing doesn't make it go! What was I thinking?! STAR TREK!" (Helldragon)
  • Before Sonic's Kingdom Valley level, when Silver appears:

Helldragon (whiny Silver voice): Sonic, now we're alone so we can finally make love~

NTom: Ugh; please don't bring your fanfiction into this, mate.

Helldragon (normal voice): Wha-- I don't write crap like that!

  • This exchange, regarding Eggman's choice of security:

Helldragon: ...I have to question the wisdom of making blast doors out of glass!

Tom: What, is he taking advice from Lawrence III here?

Helldragon: He better not, or he'll end up just like Lawrence at the end of Pokémon Heroes.

Tom: What, his picture will be in a book?

Helldragon: ...No... that was an obituary, because I shot him.

  • During the last cutscene in Sonic's story, when Sonic and Elise are falling:

Helldragon: "I-probably-should've-thought-this-throooooough--" BWOOSH! And now they're dead.

Sonic Unleashed

NTom: It's going to be in every game! I can't escape it!

NTom: What's a moray?
FTA: When the moon hits your eye, like a big pizza pie, that's a moray.

NTom: (clapping) Well done, that is actually well deserved.

NTom: Well, Yuji Naka's always been a bit of a glory hog...
NTom: See what I did there? Glory "hog"?

FTA: It wasn't funny, so I didn't laugh.

  • During the Shamar night level:

FTA: -starts humming this song-
Tom: Could you please not hum that throughout the entirety of this part?
FTA: ...Why?
Tom: I really don't want to have to kill a bitch.
(Beat)
FTA: -starts humming it again-
Tom: Since I'm lazy, insert stabbing sound effect here.

  • The group's Rule 34 discussions are always hilarious, but special mention goes to this playthrough, with them bringing up a hypothetical Fire Wizard x Professor Pickle Crack Fic. (Bonus points: this is shortly after the humming session mentioned immediately above.)

NTom: *imitating Professor Pickle* Hmm... My nether regions are on fire!
FTA: Now that's just wrong.

NTom: You started it.

  • "Oh fuck; we're talking about beverages in a Sonic Unleashed playthrough!" (NTom)
  • "You are white, and probably middle-class; I don't know, I haven't bothered to ask." (NTom)
  • Fastest Thing Alive's maniacal laughter once they finish Eggmanland.
    • And the following part after it:

"Everyday, people are asking me 'When's Unleashed getting finished?', 'When's Unleashed getting finished?'! FUCKING TODAY!"

NTom: Resident Evil!

Sonic Adventure (1 & 2)

  • When NTom loses to Knuckles in the first game. FTA's verbal abuse doesn't help Tom deal with it either.

NTom: I lost to Knuckles?!
FTA: (laughing) You lost to Knuckles! Man, you suck!

Tom: I will fucking shank you.
FTA: You'll shag me?
Tom: Shank.
FTA: Tom, this is hardly the time or place!
Tom: S-H-A-N-K, OK?!

  • "Grinding's been sort of a staple in the series, like rings, loops, and bad voices." (FTA)
  • FTA's imitation of former Sega game developer, Yuji Naka.
  • This little exchange from the first game.

Tails: All's well that ends well, right?
FTA: THE CITY'S BEEN FUCKING DESTROYED!

  • From the third part of the Dark Story, I give you this: Tom and FTA falling out.

Tom: (after FTA shot down the fact that Tom's birthday was coming soon) What do you mean, so? You bastard.
FTA: So, how does it affect me? It doesn't affect me, Tom, I don't care, shut up.
Tom: (starts mock-whimpering)
FTA: Shut your whore-mouth.
Tom: I dun wanna talk to you no more! (Beat) Yeah, that's the end of the SA2 playthrough, bye!
Both: (laugh)
FTA: This video contains E-drama.

Sonic the Hedgehog CD

  • [-Tom: Gareth, why has it taken us so long to get to this playthrough?
    FTA: Because I despise you.-]
  • Tom describing the race with Metal Sonic:

Tom: And don't forget Robotnik is chasing you with a Death Laser™.

FTA: (laughs)

Tom: And if you get caught by that, the Death Laser--

FTA: ™.

Tom: --you will die.

FTA: ™.

Tom: Yes, I trademarked death, that's right.

FTA: ™.

  • "Why are you so boring?!" (NTom)
  • Sonic's first meeting with Amy:

Tom: Aah, get away from me! You crazy bitch!

  • "We destroyed the robo-sandwich." (NTom)

Kingdom Hearts series

Kingdom Hearts 1

  • The first Kingdom Hearts playthrough had its moments, such as with Parasite Cage:

Helldragon: Parasite Cage would be like, the worst roommate ever. "Hey Parasite Cage, you want something to eat?" "AAAHHH!" and he flails and he takes out the fridge.
Tom: Takes out the whole left side of the house.
Helldragon: "Goddamn it Parasite Cage, you need to get a fucking job!" "AAAHHHH!" "Stop killing my fridge!"

Helldragon: Why'd you put on Fairy Harp?
Tom: Number one, it's green. Number two, it's more powerful than the one we were using before
Helldragon: Number three, the range is pathetic.
Tom: Number four, shut up.
Helldragon: Number five, you just missed a treasure chest back there.
Tom: Number six, I do believe you're correct.
Helldragon: Number seven, ha ha ha ha ha I win.
Tom: Number eight, fuck you.

  • The duo's efforts to make sense of the Gummi Ship space. Sonic, Tetris, and Gradius references ahoy.

Kingdom Hearts II

  • From the beginning, the KHII playthrough was bound to become a riot.

Xemnas: I'm what's left.
Helldragon: Of what, the pizza?
Xemnas: My name is of no importance.
Helldragon: (simultaneously) His name is Not Dongs.
Tom: Yeah... hello there, Mr. Of No Importance.

    • "After he met Roxas, he became happy and free, and emotional. Fan-fictiooooon!" (Helldragon)
      • "And thus a thousand fanfictions were born!"
    • "Die, Windows! Die, Linux! Di-- Macintosh, you're alright; you don't get to die --DIIIE!" (Helldragon)
    • Also, their alternating Fan Nickname for Dusk Nobodies... usually they call them "Gimps", but occasionally they call them "Pimps" instead.
    • "Now, let's massage the giant, sweaty cat." (Helldragon)
    • Helldragon's mental breakdown, regarding the cars in Timeless River:

Helldragon: And that last asshole back there, that att- they're driving around like fucking maniacs now! God! Kill them! Die! Now! Today! Mind bullets! Nrrgh!

    • "Shake your fist in angry British rage, Tom!" "You can't see it, but my fist is wearing a monocle!"
    • And in Port Royale:

Helldragon: Oh yeah! (Sora turns around and sees Barbossa) Oh no!

      • And another moment:

NTom64: Sora, regardless of what it says in the song, you are not a pirate.
HellDragon: yarr-harr fiddle yee dee being a pirate-yeah, I'm not going to sing that.

    • The return of an old friend... Mecha-Cage!

"I will destroy all the fridges in the world!"

    • During that battle, their references to This Wiki.

"And suddenly, a new Trope was born..."

Helldragon: He's ceased being a troll and has become a flamer. The phases of Saix: Troll, Flamer and Overall Respectable Forum Member. Not sure when that last one happens though.

    • Bob the Douchebag. "'What did you bring? I brought casserole.' 'I brought FIRE!' 'Why do we keep inviting him?'"
    • "Well, it's gonna be around 14 parts or so, if my rudimentary math skills-- GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME --are anything to go by." (NTom)
    • Derp-Dragon. That is all.

Helldragon: That's not my Heartless!

    • Upon picking up a "Queen Recipe" item:

"We found the recipe for Freddie Mercury!"

Helldragon: Ow. That was good.

Helldragon in agony: I love you...you love me. We're a happy family.
Ntom also in agony: I can't feel emotions anymore!

Helldragon: Notes everywhere! Notes!

    • "Quinton Flynn Action Time, go, now, yes!"
    • "Alright Axel, let our powers combine! Fire! Umm... Fire! ...Fire! ...Fire!"
      • "With your powers combined, I am Captain Fire!" "~Captain Fire! He's on fire! Holy shit, he is always on fire!~"
    • Them bringing up the fact that they went away and read some Aku Roku fanfictions.
    • During the dialogue between Xemnas and Ansem:

NTom64: I've dreamed about recording the commentary for this for years now.
HellDragon: Fine, I won't spoil it for you, you nerd.
NTom64: No, I mean I woke up thinking we'd done it, but it was still during the nine months we were gone.

    • One more for the endgame, when Ansem's machine blows up, Tom delivers yet another killer line, which sends both of them into hysterics:

Tom: (In squeaky Mickey Mouse voice) Haha, oh shit!

    • When they highlighted Sora finishing Xemnas off by stabbing him in the crotch, when the latter is in his Armor Form and the camera decides to show the action in slow motion.

Kingdom Hearts: Birth By Sleep

NTom: You did it again, you bastard!

    • Both of the commentators roleplaying dialogue for Ven's silent flashback

HellDragon as Terra: And that's when I pushed Aqua off that bridge.
*Both of them laugh*
NTom as Ventus: Good times.

    • HellDragon: "Considering he [Terra] dodges like a truck!"
    • Right after that too, when Terra tries to open a treasure chest...only to miss completely
    • "Kingdom Hearts in a Nutshell":

Ven: "That's the stupidest thing I've ever heard!"
Tom: "Heh, Kingdom Hearts in a nutshell."

Portal

  • "Whee; Companion Cube!" "Stop humping the Companion Cube!" (Ron and Tom, respectively)
  • greatzombieron's threat to anyone who spoils "The Dark Knight" for him.
  • "NTom64 does not condone pushing disabled people." (NTom64)
    • "Ron does. Because it's fun." (greatzombieron)
  • "I fantasize about... boobs. They're delicious." (greatzombieron)

Brutal Legend

  • IRTundraboy, when the first boss (A worm-like creature) shows up:

IRTundraboy: (singing) Vagina mouth demon!

  • This exchange, after Ron runs over another hedgehog ground urchin:

Tom: Will you stop killing the Sonic franchise?!
Ron: It's already dead! Project Needlemouse will fail!

  • When a large, metallic bear is hit by their car:

Tom: I'm smarter than the average BEEEEAR...

    • Also, "Bambi of the Damned!"
  • During the Filler episode -- the Guardian of Metal says "Go fucking crazy!" as they're leaving the Motor Forge... and Ron does just that. "I AM THE BANANA!"

Half Life 2

  • Tom, Ron and Tundraboy gunning down Metrocops while singing "Total Eclipse of the Heart."
  • All of the moments listed here have culminated into a hilarious, very meta segment where NTom, greatzombieron, and IRTundraBoy spend nearly half an hour discussing their own trope page. Among other things, they discuss how IRTundraBoy's barely featured at all, and how most of the quotes listed have come from Helldragon.
  • Of course, they're also quite willing to take a couple shots at us:

NTom: I've been trying to tone down the innuendos in this part, because apparently "That was a penis joke" is now an Overused Running Gag. Thank you, whoever edited that in on TVTropes; it hasn't affected me at all!

    • And then IRTundraBoy immediately follows up with this:

Daniel: That was a penis joke. Because he called him a dick.

  • Ron's impressions of Gabe Newell and Christopher Walken. Can overlap with Squick, due to what he said during the latter.
  • Ron shooting Combine in the face while IRTundraBoy sings a little carnival tune. Made twice as hilarious when the combat fits the rhythm and when Ron turns to see a Combine soldier spazzing out in a door G-Mod style.
  • When Tom is trying to stop a fan inside an air duct so he can pass by without being cut to shreds, he's supposed to use a metal shovel. A shoe almost works. Made funnier by the fact that if he didn't hesitate before trying to pass, it would have worked, seeing how long it stopped.

Pokémon movies

  • Pokémon the First Movie has the gag where Tom and Helldragon are also affected by Mewtwo pressing the Reset Button, causing them to forget doing the commentary in the first place.
    • Also, this bit:

Helldragon: God, they weren't lying when they said that this was a storm.
Tom: They said it was only a light drizzle!

NTom: ...Fuck you, 4Kids!
Helldragon: Hahaha! I made someone cry.
NTom: Fuck you as well!

  • Early on in the Jirachi Wish Maker commentary:

Helldragon: (singing) "I'm a cucumber! I'm a cucumber!"

    • "I like puppies and kitties and cute things... a-and if you think I am a loser for thinking that, I will fucking cut your throat!" (Helldragon)
  • Near the beginning of their Destiny Deoxys commentary, they decide that the entire movie is about scientists trying to cook a Deoxys egg:

Helldragon: Pokémon: The Quest for Breakfast.
NTom: Destiny Delicious.

    • The aforementioned Space Omelet is brought up several times throughout the movie, such as when the egg is hatched--

Helldragon: Yeah, hi, Deoxys; we definitely weren't going to mix you together with salt and pepper.

      • ...and later on:

Helldragon (Rayquaza): You will pay the omelet tax, so says the omelet king.

      • ...and later still:

Helldragon: It was gonna be my balanced breakfast, goddammit!

    • This lovely little exchange:

Helldragon (Deoxys): Hey, I got a gift for you Rayquaza -- it's called dying!
NTom (Rayquaza): But didn't you get me that last Christmas?
Helldragon (Deoxys): You are so hard to shop for!

  • Lucario and the Mystery of Mew
    • "The Waltz of the CGI." (Helldragon)
    • Kidd accepting Brock's request to dance with him at the ball.

NTom: Oh wow, Brock actually scored for a change.

    • This scene when Lucario jumps Ash:

NTom: That was the perfect opportunity! Why didn't you snap his neck? Another ten years of that fucking twat that can't win any tournaments!

    • Helldragon wondering why Brock and Kidd are the only ones who bother to put on seatbelts. And then Tom's pun:

NTom: When Ash goes flying forward, he's going to hit a Brock.

    • "Okay, chlorophyll does NOT work like this. I've watched The Magic School Bus, trust me." (Helldragon)
    • Helldragon's hatred for Bonsly.
    • Ash's Pokedex entry.
    • At one point, Helldragon off-handily makes a joke about cutting off Max's limbs later:

NTom: what are you crying about about, 'oh Max's limbs were so beautiful before I cut them off'.

Disney-thon

  • A couple exchanges in the Alice in Wonderland comm, such as:

NTom: You sicken me with your ad-libbing, Aaron... I me--

Greatzombieron: MY NAME IS RON!

    • Also, the question we've all been dying to ask:

Greatzombieron: Why are you such a walking stereotype?

NTom: I don't know, Guv'na!

RandomDCE: "I say, my good fellow; what's going on here?"

Helldragon: The sultan is a reference to fat people! Take a drink!

  • Likewise, their entire High School Musical riff-- all of the Alternate Character Interpretation, particularly that of the (demonic) Coach Bolton.

Livestreams

  • From the Spiderman: Shattered Dimensions stream, when FTA was relaying questions from the live chat to Tom (who was playing at the time):

FTA: "If you were in FTA's body, and FTA was in your body, what would you do?"
Tom: *In evil voice* "Initiate Self-Destruct."

    • Other gems:

FTA:: Tom, "what would you do for a Klondike Bar?" (Must be an American thing.)
Tom:: ...Kill you?
...
FTA: What is Minecraft, anyway?
Tom: It's a thing, where you do stuff.

Before entering a room, the two are following a (guest) player in a race:
Tom: How can he ride a bike? He has no feet!
Tom: Haha, look at that! You're immortalized for all time on the HellfireComms livestream. You are shit! You are shit! Look at you, FC Bayern!

    • Another moment was when Tom was racing with a bunch of regular stream visitors. Right before the finish line, Tom was in third place. Cue a Bob-Omb appearing out of nowhere and right in front of him, putting him down to second to last. Tom was not amused, but the stream audience was.
  • More shenanigans ensue in the second segment of the Shattered Dimensions playthrough:

FTA: Danielnicholl says "Question: Would all three of you get into one huge porno--" What is your obsession with us in a porno? Seriously.

Tom: It would be so hot, it would be past X-rated.

Helldragon: ...What would the porno entail? Just three fat guys wishing they could have sex with someone?

Stephen!Walken!Eggman: Get a LOAD of this!

Tom: Oh no, movie clips, we're going to fucking jail.

    • Tom's finally completing a particularly tricky swinging section.

Tom: Yes! Pancakes and blow jobs for all!

Other videos

FTA: They're like, "It's Sonic, it needs to have {{[[[Elmuh Fudd Syndwome]] r}}]ings!"

NTom: It's li-- did you just say "wings"?

FTA: Even without wings, I can still fly!

NTom: YOU BASTARD-MAN. WHY DO YOU BRING THIS HATE INTO THE PLAYTHROUGH?!

    • Earlier from the same video: "That's 'cause you're a BITCH!" (NTom)
    • And of course:

NTom: Now, I will say, he's definitely not in the game; Robotnik -- you know, Merlina's not, at the last second, gonna, like, pull off a face and it's Robotnik wearing a dress...

FTA: That would have been the greatest thing ever...! -laughs-

NTom: That is a plot twist worthy of Shalamalama-ding-dong himself.

      • "Oh god, I feel Deviant ART clicking as we speak." (NTom)
    • This:

Tom: Now I believe someone in the, er, comments section of the non-commentary version that's on HellfirePlaythroughs actually said in a moment, Sonic looks like he's coming on to Caliburn.

FTA: *LOLs* Oh Christ almighty! "What's a nice sword like you doing in a place like this?" *cracks up again*

Tom: "Mm, you're a studly piece of metal." *laughs*

FTA: That's hilarious. This game's dirtier than 06!

  • From the (now-removed) Sonic and the Secret Rings playthrough, when Tom calls FTA out:

NTom: ...STOP FUCKING MAKING FUN OF ME!

  • Tom's dramatic reading of the of the first chapter of Twilight. All of it. DCE certainly helps.

DCE: Can you imagine what the welcome sign is? "Welcome to Forks; there is no spoon."

    • Also Tom: Do you realise you've just spent the first two pages describing A FUCKING CAR!?
  • Speaking of dramatic readings, the entirety of My Immortal.

...My. Wasn't that just retarded?

  • The entirety of the SharkBoy & LavaGirl commentary (and the loss of sanity within), but some moments stick out:

Helldragon: George Lopez has fucking snapped, and he's gonna kill me! "I know everything, and you know nothing, little bitches!"
NTom: Remember where we parked LavaGirl.

  • Every single moment of the Harlem Globetrotters Meet Snow White commentary.
  • The first "HellfireComms Versus"; in a nutshell: NTom and Helldragon. Battleship. Hilarity Ensues.
  • Several moments in the Dragonball Evolution commentary; near the end at one point, Tom bursts into high-pitched, hysterical laughter at the stupidity of the movie.

Helldragon: Whitest movie ever!

RandomDCE: If someone tries to touch you in a place or in a way that makes you feel uncomfortable, that's no good.

NTom: *After Phelp's police cap gets knocked off* That was my Power Limiter, now it's time to turn into Super Phelps!

Let's Play Space Quest V

  • Helldragon's ways of coping with the real-time lightspeed travel. Mainly, cutting to footage of someone being murdered.
  • The preview at the end of episode 7, with incoherent buzzing that loosely translates to:

"I GOT TURNED INTO A FLY HOW THE FUCK DID THIS HAPPEN WHERE AM I NOW WHY MY SHOULDERS HURT

  1. ↑ Almost quadruple at one point, but Tom decided that having Helldragon in the chat with the other two would be somewhat of a bad idea.
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