Vampire: The Masquerade – Bloodlines/Funny


For such a serious game, Vampire: The Masquerade – Bloodlines has a lot of hilarious moments.

  • The Malkavian player character is the source for 90% of the game's humor.
    • The Malkavian conversation with a stop sign remains one of this troper's favorite in the game. "No, you stop!"
    • The best moment for the Malkavian player character option is probably listening to the various television sets' news reports. If you've played the game on normal mode, you may be surprised to hear the newscaster suddenly start addressing you or talking like a Looney Tunes character in his usual deadpan Ted Baxter-esque voice.

Anchor: [about the hunters taking Johansen] Police officials have gone on record as saying "Don't worry, that crazy bastard will save him."
Anchor: Los Angeles citizens were left shocked today following a vicious gun battle between the LAPD...and you. They were all like, "BANG! BANG! Ya filthy varment!", and you were all like "POW! POW! Oooh, you wascaly wabbit! You got me!"

    • The fact that most Kindred seem seriously annoyed that they have to deal with a Malkavian. Bertram's response is a classic example:

Oh shit. A Malkavian. I suppose I'll figure out what the hell you're talking about in a month or so. Man, I hate talking to you guys! I always feel like I'm getting an answer to a question I haven't even asked yet. Oh well.

    • LaCroix's "uh-huh" reaction when you give him the bullet point summary of all the horrible things you've encountered in Santa Monica like ghosts, Thin-Bloods, serial killers, and worse.

[In a 'I'm-talking-to-a-five-year-old' voice] Yes, yes. I'm sure it was quite an experience.

    • Venus' reaction to your "confession" ("When the Dream Creature waves, sometimes I wave back!") is pretty similar, and arguably even funnier:

Aaaah, Dream Creature, hmmmm? O-kay, somebody's circulating the bad candy again, I see. But that's alright! No sense, no fear, right?

    • The abuses for Dementation are just horrible (and horribly funny). While some, like making Chuck feel worthless are kinda sad, most of them are just plain Crazy Awesome.
    • Two such examples take place in Hollywood. How do you get that loud and obnoxious critic to write a bad review for a restaurant? Get him to think he's eating maggots! How to get Samantha off your back when she recognizes you? Make her think you're her pet turtle that she flushed down the toilet long ago!

Samantha: What's it like being a turtle?
PC: It's like being a walking house that eats lettuce.

    • There's another great moment of Video Game Cruelty Potential that is also just damn HILARIOUS. When Heather the Ghoul brings home a guy, you can cause him to go to the police and shout "I have a gun, piggies!" It causes a loss of humanity but it's tempting given the guy threatened your sweet but bugnuts servant.
    • You can also deal with Milligan (the TV host in Pisha's lair) by making him fall in love with the moon! (Not sure if it lets you do her fetch quest, though...)

Milligan: The moon... Yes, yes, the moon! (starting to laugh) I have to catch the moon! I must hold her, I must hold her in my arms... I must tell her how much I adore her glow, her glow! Out of my way! The moon!

    • How do you get past Officer Chunk? Make him realise that his life is a joke.
      • You can also get him to go to The Asylum and dance the night away. It's less mean. Also, it's funnier.
    • The Malkavian ability to know secrets no one else should know allows you to screw with people in some truly hilarious ways. Ming-Xiao is a perfect example as she waxes on and on about how Cainites are inferior. However, you can call her on her Fantastic Racism by mentioning the Yama Kings, the demonic Hell gods that are always threatening to eat Kuejin souls.
      • Not to mention when you instinctively know Velvet Velour's real name.

Velvet: There is only one part of me I don't want anyone inside. My mind.

    • Just about all of the Malkavian quotes.
      • "Do you rage against the machine?"
      • "I'm a mighty thesaurus! Rawr!"
      • "I will invade this orifice."
    • Heather the ghoul is sweet, adorable and eager to please and, if the player character is a Malkavian...absolutely nuts. The part where she went fishing and brought her catch home for you because you might like to dine in is priceless, as is the mild horror of the Malkavian at having a breach of the Masquerade in their bathroom. "You stay. Sit. Be good."

Heather: I went fishing today... and I caught a big one. Can you hear him flopping around the bathroom? That's how you can tell he's fresh.
Malkavian: No no no no no... fish travel in schools!

    • Making the guy at the blood bank go Laughing Mad after having denied you any future blood. After spending several dialogue options just laughing his ass off, he soundly recovers and asks the player what the hell they were talking about, after which the player will be able to buy blood from the guy like nothing ever happened in the first place.
    • Before you stab LaCroix with his letter opener: "Give you a massive chest wound? My pleasure!"
    • In the same line as the Stop Sign conversation, there's also the scene in which you can talk to the news anchor inside the TV and tell a few jokes with each other.
  • Combined with Video Game Cruelty Potential, any vampire character can convince one of the Thin-Bloods that he needs a holy stake and unicorn blood to become human again. You can also send him to his senseless death by telling him he needs to kill Prince LaCroix or the President of the United States. Why? Because they're the head vampire.
    • "Hail to the Chief! The President is a bloodsucker!"
  • The fact that the PC can run around Los Angeles wielding a severed arm to beat people to death and no one calls them on it.
    • In a Doctor Seuss meets Superfly Pimp outfit or Stripperiffic Policewoman's uniform too potentially.
  • Throughout the game one can listen to a radio show where a woman takes calls from all sorts of people that tend to be oddballs. One of the more special guests though is Andrei the Tzimisce. After his rants about how the end of the world is coming, the radio host just brushes off his statement and continues with her show.
    • A frequent caller on said show is Gomez the Conspiracy Theorist. After spending the game babbling insane over the top theories involving cameras on traffic lights, secret moonbases and the Illuminati, his final call to the show is...a summary of the entire plot of the game.
  • A more intellectual bit of humor is the fact that the entire game is one long Spanner in the Works joke. LaCroix sends you on a mission to die almost immediately after you're embraced. You survive because the Sabbat aren't at the warehouse at the time and then go on to pretty much survive every trap laid out for you. By the end, LaCroix's entire empire has unravelled because of your obstinate refusal to die when you're told.
  • The way certain people react to a Nosferatu protagonist: Trip the pawnshop owner compliments you on your body-sculpting job, the stranded Blue-Blood can only mumble "Oh my...", Officer Chunk vomits in terror, Fat Larry nearly shits his pants (and gives you an earful for it), Venus provides directions to the Corpse Fluid gig playing at Possession, the clerk at Red Spot tries not to mention your facial deformities and fails, and the herbalist takes one look at you and decides that there's absolutely nothing in-store that could possibly help.
    • And the obnoxious critic? All you have to do to get him to leave in a puking fit is mention that you're a chef at the restaurant he's reviewing. Or, if you're in a really sadistic mood, ask him to check if the boil on your shoulder is still leaking.
    • The hostess at the Red Dragon can only stare at you in horror and utter "Oh my god..." for several speech panels until she finally calls for security. In the meantime, your Nosferatu character is trying to get information out of her and acting as if he or she doesn't know why the hostess is so horrified.
    • The cultist girl inside the Brotherhood of the Ninth Circle building will mistake you for Brother Kanker, one of the higher-ranking members of the cult. Quite apart from the girl's stammering awe and terror, what makes this even more hilarious is the fact that you killed Kanker to find the building in the first place. This also happens before you kill the guy too, when questioning the homeless people on the streets; because you have no way of disguising yourself with Obfuscate in the game, you're forced to scare the shit out of them. And yes, this results in your last informant, Tin Can Bill, having a heart attack while under the impression that Kanker has come back to eat him.
  • Chunk. Female PC. Clueless admirer. "Security teddy bear", anyone? Half the comedy comes from the knowledge that if she could, your character would reach through the monitor and kill you for what you're putting her through.
  • Alistair Grout's musings on the superstition of the Camarilla.

"...their linguistic flourishes belie a faith in superstition over the providence of empirical reason that must be an all-pervasive theme in this society of darkest night...damn it all, now I'm doing it too."

    • Grout also complains about his Ghoul test subjects, most of whom are incredibly uncooperative due to being exposed to debilitating Malkavian blood and/or the finest in pre-freudian psychology techniques:

"The one called John went so far as to gnaw off his arm and escape into the floorboards like some feral rodent. I still hear him scurrying about at night; he must be making an atrocious mess...

  • Many of the radio ads count, but the Insane Troll Logic heavy political ads really take the cake:

Announcer: [sinister music] Last year, Democratic Candidate Micheal Rebbins has purchased a Sports Utility Vehicle. Three months later there have been two separate incidences of hit-and-runs by unidentified SUVs in his area. Is Democratic Candidate Micheal Rebbins to blame? Can you afford that chance? Can your children? [upbeat music] Vote Republican Senator Robert Thorne, a candidate who has never committed vehicular homicide!


Announcer: [sinister music] Democratic Candidate Micheal Rebbins has never publicly stated his opinion on child pornography. Is it because he's hiding something? Would you want a child pornographer voting on this nation's laws? Would you trust your children's future to someone like that? [upbeat music] Vote Republican Senator Robert Thorne, who is committed to locking up child pornographers!


Announcer: [sinister music] Democratic Candidate Micheal Rebbins recently sued Senator Robert Thorne for accusing Rebbins of being a murderous child pornographer. But Rebbins had previously said he was against clogging up courts with frivolous lawsuits. Wouldn't this make him a hypocrite? Would you want a hypocrite as your next Congressman? Would you want your children to become hypocrites? [upbeat music] Vote for Republican Senator Robert Thorne! A candidate not accused of being a murderous child pornographer!

  • One of the more interesting weapons to use for a stealth kill in the game is the baseball bat - when your character uses it, the sound effect that plays afterwards is a crowd cheering.
  • Not sure if you only get this if you're a Malkavian, but-

Hostess: Hey, Andrea! Uh-huh? What? The Dark Father returns? No, he's not! No, he's not! No, he is not! Hold on, Andrea, I've got another call. Hey, Serena, did you hear about-? Yeah, he is! Yes, he is! Yes, he totally is! I know! I was just on the phone with Andrea, and I was all "No, he's not!" Yes, he is!

  • Persuading Vandal to sell you blood by telling him a story of violence and death from your Multiple Choice Past, and his reaction:

That's some vile, depraved maniacal shit. You are sick, mother! Yeah, I'll sell you some blood.

  • The drug dealer's introduction:

Uh-huh, yeah, you look real good at me. Before we do business, before anything changes hands, I want you to hear this: if you try to cross me, I will fuck you. If you tell the cops about me, I will find you, then I will fuck you. And if you are a cop... I will fuck you and your whole family, includin' that squirrel in your front yard!

Playa, what's the score, how they hangin', good evening and all that commotion! Welcome to Fat Larry's Truck of Mack, the only store for all your needs after ten o'clock: I am the proprietor and salesman of the months several years in a row, the ladies call me "Oh God!" but you can call me Fat Larry with an F-A-T, cuz I know I got a weight problem an' I just don't give a fuck!

    • His immediate response to a Malkavian is to insist he doesn't sell "that stuff" anymore. The Malkavian reply:

Fine, no feast of Ben Franklins for the fatman tonight.

  • If you initially refuse to cooperate in the Fu Syndicate while playing as a Malkavian, the voices actually say "You're in for it now..."
    • Also, when Ming Xiao offers you tea, the voices say "Try the free arsenic..."
  • "Wow... bet you're glad that thing didn't have tentacles, huh?"
  • The museum mission briefing adds this little gem if you're playing a low-Humanity character:

LaCroix: (...) And no killing.
Player Character: What, none?
LaCroix: None.

  • One of the 'sins' you can confess to Venus is 'voted Republican'. She sarcastically notes that she's not sure what she can do to wash away that sin.
  • One of the main reasons to play a Nosferatu is getting some laughs out of scaring people senseless. Especially the seducable girls and the food crytic.
  • Just about anytime Beckett speaks. It is amazing how he manages to make every line sounds sarcastic, even when he clearly didn't mean to.
    • And there are many intentionally sarcastic remarks that's truly funny:

PC:(About Johansen's whereabouts) And you worked all that out by sniffing around?
Beckett: Actually, there were two hunters on the roof of the building opposite the hotel who were positively delighted to tell me everything they knew - provided I stop dangling them headfirst over the side.

    • (About what's in the Sarcophagus)

Beckett: ...And I suspect most Kindred in this city would love to sink their stakes or teeth into its imagined occupant. If indeed rocketing it to the moon was out of the question.

  • Sneaking into the Santa Monica warehouse let's you listen in on this little conversation

First Guy: I'm hungry, let's order a pizza.
Second Guy: Order a pizza, ORDER A PIZZA? Where they gonna deliver it, numbnuts? Thirteen abandoned warehouse full of kill on sight hot heads way?

  • The anarch and independent endings, provided you kept your Humanity up. Karmic retribution on LaCroix? Good. Karmic retribution that gives him just enough time to watch his aspirations turn to ash before blowing him sky-high without you having to lift a finger? Better. Karmic retribution that you realize has been set up before the plot even started, has spent the entire plot getting to its rightful recipient, and comes complete with a send-off note with a smily face on it that makes LaCroix crow like a madman? Hilarious.

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