The Nostalgia Chick/Quotes
"I, like most of the world, am an American. And what's more American than sanitizing your own history to the point where it's no longer recognizable? PUPPIES!!!"
"Dayum!"—Chick, in a Running Gag reaction to Pocahontas.
Didn't this movie win an academy award for its songs? ...ooh, puppies!—Chick, Pocahontas
"And here's a thing nobody ever wanted to think about again. The eighties and your teenage years..."
Oh my God! You like boys? I like boys!—Chick, Teen Witch
Louise's favorite teacher gives her a necklace. It also has no relevance to anything, but... it's pretty! Girls like shiny things. SHINY!—Chick, Teen Witch
Getting a boyfriend! Okay... she's a girl, what else did you expect?—Chick, on Louise wanting to use her powers to get love.
Sorry, I think I accidentally changed it to skinemax.—Chick, on the "sex" scene in Teen Witch.
Louise: I want to be the most popular girl in school.
Chick: Of course! It's like they can see into my self-indulgent teenage mind!
Chick: Point is, godlike powers are fun and all, but they're only really fun if you extend them on the things that really and truly matter in life.
Chick: That's right, girls.
Cheerleaders: I! Like! Boys!
"Rasputin": I had nothing to do with flames of unhappiness!
Chick: Well, you kinda did. See, you're creepy and have that beard...
Chick: Ah, animosity! It must be love!—Anastasia review.
"Yaaay!"—Chick and anonymous children
[After the "Ambiguously Gay Duo" music pops up]. "Yeah, I realize some of us are a little bit hyper-focused on that aspect of the series. But you know, some of us are a little more sensitive and progressive than that. Besides how gay could it be?"
"You know what? Fuck it. We're off to the pride parade!"
"Jesus Christ, why don't you hold his hips a little more tender there! I mean..."
"Was that a sexual overture or am I missing something? I mean, not that there's anything wrong with that..."—Chick, in the She Ra review.
"No, excuse me, I still need a year or so to recover from my massive trauma of seeing a cat die again."—Chick, Hocus Pocus.
"It's always nice when the dead can come back to allay your regrets." *sadface*—Chick, Hocus Pocus.
"Why don't they [virgins] lose it when they come out of the womb? ...bleeding and screaming."—Chick, Hocus Pocus.
"Not that there's pictures of me dressed as Mystique one year for Halloween in college floating around the internet or anything." *scream* [a picture's shown]—Chick, The Top 11 Villainesses.
"Not that there's pictures of me dressed as Maleficent one year for Halloween in college floating around the internet or anything." *scream* [a picture's shown]—Chick, The Top 11 Villainesses.
"Again, I think they're trying to be funny. I'm not sure, they are British."—Chick, Spice World
"I'll miss you, New York."
"Santa Baby, I need a hundred and sixty grand. Grad school's kinda expensive. Santa Baby, I actually think fat guys are kinda hot."
"If you grew up in the South like I did, then you probably know this song, and you also know that southerners find nothing more hilarious than alcoholism, especially paired with domestic abuse."
[southern accent] "Y'mean there's life outside the Walmart?"
"Stop filming me!"—Elisa, The Top 11 Disturbing Christmas Songs.
David Bowie: "...I will be your slave."
Chick: "Um, sounds like a pretty sweet deal?"
"Hi, I'm Lindsay, star of such internet phenomena as the Nostalgia Chick."
"When have I even displayed even the slightest of attractions to the Critic? He's all [mumbling] beardy and ew."
Nella: "Well you two have a lot in common."
Chick: [quick and with a Death Glare] "Like what?"
Chick: "Oh My God! You and I haven't watched the MLP movie in like three days!"
Nella: "Go on a date, out of this apartment, away from me, for more than three hours... people are starting to talk."
Chick: "Wanna get something to eat?"
Critic: "Yes!"
Chick: "You wanna go out?"
Critic: "No."
Chick: "Why not?"
Critic: "I- I don't have a car."
Chick: "So did you ever watch like GI Joe or-"
Critic: [has snapped] "I've had it! You're always asking me these questions! I'm not the answer man, I don't know everything! Don't you understand me? Don't you care? Gawwwwwd!"—Thanks For The Feedback
"She only gets hit on by frogs, moles, beetles and fairies... I think I kinda relate to this girl."—Chick, Thumbelina
"Oh God, not again."—Chick, Spooning With Spoony
"I'm so ashamed of my body!"—Chick, Spooning With Spoony
"I have no self-respect!"—Chick, Spooning With Spoony
"My Daddy didn't love me!"—Chick, Spooning With Spoony
"I'd have to get up... and go dance... which I don't really want to do... at least by myself."—Chick, The Top 11 Embarrassing Dance Crazes
"Dance, monkey!"—Chick, The Top 11 Embarrassing Dance Crazes
"Nella!"—Chick, constantly.
"Electric Light Orchestra, Olivia Newton John, Gene Kelly and aliens, c'mon, how can this not be the greatest thing ever?"
"Why are you obstructing your robot with a shitty fog machine? It's a robot! Let us see the robot!"—Chick, Xanadu
"Let me posit this idea: aliens... awesome, robots... also awesome, cars... pretty awesome, if a little planet-destroying. Put them together and what do you get? Hell yeah!—Chick, Transformers.
"I don't think I have enough irony in me."—Chick, Transformers.
[giggling and stroking the Critic] "You're not gonna take this one away from me."—Chick, Transformers.
"Uh, Nella, do you think there are two ostensibly straight doing this exact same thing as this exact same moment?"—Chick, Armageddon
[after waking up from getting her head exploded] "God, where am I? Happy pills... [takes a few and gets perky again] Hi! I'm your Nostalgia Chick!"—Chick, Armageddon
"Reviewing dude stuff is fun! You know what? I like it! I like it a lot! I like it so much I'm gonna go frolic in a meadow."—Chick, Armageddon
"Why do I keep being rendered unconscious by my many male nemeses?"
"I hate the world."
Critic: [gradually sounding like his normal self]: "Okay, no no no no no no, you are so wrong! No, no! I'm not in here!"
Critic: No.
Chick: "I know it's you!"
Critic: "Hold on! Hold on! Think about it, do you really want to leave now in the middle of this bad movie?"
Chick: "YES!"
Critic: "Hear me out! If you leave now, you will never know just how bad this movie is, and you can tell people that you sat through the worst piece of shit that has ever been made by humans."
Chick: Can I punch you first?
"And she has a nightmare which less pertains to aliens as it does to hairy guys, which is totally understandable, let's face it."—Chick, Earth Girls Are Easy.
"How does going with the hotter guy with the amazing orgasm touch, can pick up any talent instantly, bows to your beck and call and can take you to other planets... okay point taken, I'm going to see what's going on by the pool, see if anything... develops." *runs*—Chick, Earth Girls Are Easy.
"Little girls are waiting on bated breath for their wedding day. I know I was... when I was six."
"Here's the thing about dreams: they may provide escape from the real world, but they set expectations for the real world too."—Chick, Disney Princesses
"This movie is worse than seven holocausts! This is worse than Nixon rubbing his taint all over the camera for ninety minutes!"—Chick, after suffering through Beauty and the Beast: The Enchanted Christmas
"So if you do decide to watch a Disney sequel, just make sure it's not to a movie you actually like, unless of course [trails off] you enjoy the feel of hands belonging to a clammy uncle groping you in places you'd rather not be touched right now."—Chick, after suffering through Beauty and the Beast: The Enchanted Christmas
"It seems like every girl goes through a dragon phase, or at least I know I did, partly fueled by this movie. I was eleven, and he was just so honorable, and he was voiced by Sean Connery!"—Chick, Dragonheart
"I'm your Nostalgia Chick and I am a Distaff Counterpart. Eh, it pays the bills."—Chick, The Smurfette Principle
"Women are just doomed. Innocent and childlike yet curious and destructive. I don't know how we stand us."—Chick, The Smurfette Principle
"We all still have that notebook of Leo pictures under our bed."—Chick, Titanic.
"I probably sold my ponies for tweezers and lipstick and stuff."
"You put a camera, in my room, at my parents house."—Nella, My Little Pony
"Now look, during the summer and winter break, I am perfectly fine with being your beleaguered bitch. However, during your semesters, I am a free. Autonomous. Nella."—Nella, My Little Pony
"And then the mom sings an entire song about how disappointed she is in her daughters for being inadequate. ...not that I know how that feels or anything."—Nella, My Little Pony
"This might explain why I keep dating alcoholics."
"I knew it! I knew this is what women did when they were alone! ...wait, I am female."
Nella: "I learned I like nice tits."
"At the time, I hate those bitches. And I called Britney Titney because I thought I was clever and was wildly jealous of her fame and success and wealth."—Blonde Girls Now And Then
"As you may know, I like to spy on my BFF Nella because she entertains me. I do this by installing cameras in her bedroom, and what I found may not shock you, but she sometimes likes to pretend she's a princess."—Chick, Ever After
"No, Lisa, we're progressive here! We're here to make Nella desirable to men, not paperbag our problems away!"—Chick, Grease
Makeover Fairy: "You don't know how hard this was! I mean, look what I had to work with! I'm just a fairy!" [cries]
Nella: "There there, Lisa. It's not you, it's me. I'm like the Makeover Goblin, I'm sure if you'd made anyone else over it would have been fabulous."
"I remember how crappy my life was back when I had hot friends. See, I'm not the prettiest person, or the thinnest, or the tallest."—Chick, Grease
Nella: "Low self esteem?"
Chick: "Yeah, hopelessly."—Thanks For The Feedback II
Nella: "You know... you could just come back east for a bit, recharge your self-confidence batteries, it's no problem. I mean, you know where I live, you put enough cameras in there... in my parents house... you know what, let's not go there."—Thanks For The Feedback II
"And to everyone who wants to bitch about it not being accurate to Greek Mythology, I kindly request you go stuff a ballgag in your mouth and sit in the corner."
Dr. Block: "Hello, I'm Dr. Block, and I'm a mad scientist. In fact, I'm furious at the inaccurate and offensive portrayal of science by Hollywood."
Dr. Tease: "I'm Dr. Tease, and I'm a babe scientist, I think science is frivolous and fun."
"Or in my case, it's creating a walking, dish-doing, intelligent, fuckable coffee-pot."—Chick, Playing God
Chickbot: "I was not God's will!"
Chick: "I'm not paying you to talk."
Chickbot: "Mistress does not pay me at all..."
Chick: "Shut up, top me off and drop trou. These nuts ain't going to bust themselves."
Chickbot: "Hypocrite!"
Chickbot: "Why did she program me with a soul of a poet?"—Playing God
"You've just been eating cheetos and drinking beer, haven't you? What else have you been doing the last four months?"—Nella, The Man in the Iron Mask
"An arrogant prick with just a hint of redemption. Girls love that, because that means they can fix him, and women love men they can fix."—Chick, The Man in the Iron Mask
"Leave my dreams, Will Smith fish!"—Chick, Dreamworks vs. Disney
Chick: "Begone, minion!"
Nella: "Minion?"—Dreamworks vs. Disney
Chick: "Nobody likes puns, Disney, come on..."
Nella: [Slopes away like a beaten dog.]
Nella: [miserably] "Nella likes puns."
Chick: "As I was saying, nobody likes puns."—Dreamworks vs. Disney
"So while Nella and I were at Disney, her childlike wonder unshakable and my nonchalance unsubtle as ever."—Chick, Dreamworks vs. Disney
"Ugh, I'm getting angry, I need to stop."—Chick, Dreamworks vs. Disney
"No, no, Will Smith, please stop. Please stop, you don't know what you're doing, just lay off the Scientology, take it down a notch, we'll take you home, we'll get you back to Philadelphia born and raised, with the playground. Please stop, please, please I loved you! Why are you doing this to me?"—Chick, Dreamworks vs. Disney
"You know what? I'm j-just gonna not dance. I-I'm gonna curl up into a ball and cry."—Nella, Dreamworks vs. Disney
[while Chick ignores her] "Hey Lindsay, I just got my fortune! It says, um, you were born under a star that should have made your life a pathway of roses but it has not been so because you trusted in others that are not real friends but seek to only use you for selfish ends. The time is coming for you to make your mark in life, later in life you will acquire some more property! I may have a little hardship in managing my property... I'm gonna go get another fortune."—Nella, Dreamworks vs. Disney
Nella:"So my New Year's resolution is to treat my friends with dignity and respect."
Chick: "Yeah, my New Year's resolution is for you to do my dishes. They're not gonna wash themselves!"—Thanks For The Feedback III
[arguing with Douchey] "Well I get my MacGuffin definition from that bastion of credibility and dignity, Mr. George Lucas. He has the same dignified, totally worthwhile degree that I have!"
Alien lady: "She's more fragile than she seems."
Chick: "After all, she is a she."
"Leeloo looks up war and she loses the will to live because she's a woman."—Chick, The Fifth Element
Nella: "You're a nerd too! Don't try to act like you're somehow better than other Star Trek nerds just because you like Picard!"
Nella: "You delude yourself by denying your inner fangirl. You should embrace it, for that is what gives us power."
Chick: I am better than a nerd, I'm an academic, just like Picard."—Kirk vs. Picard
"The only thing that fuels me is my sadness."—Chickbot, Kirk vs. Picard
Chick: "Robot!"
Chickbot: "You bellowed, your dictatorship?"—Kirk vs. Picard
"Why was I programmed against suicide?"—Chickbot, Kirk vs. Picard
Chick: "...you live in such squalor."
Nella: "...I just moved. How did you find me already?"—Kirk vs. Picard
Nella: "I-I never thought a ladder would be my doom."
Chick: "NOOOOOO!"
Chick: "Neither did I!"
Nella: "Lindsay, come closer, closer... Kirk was the best!" [dies]—Kirk vs. Picard
"So I heard you were in need of a sidekick, and this review has gotten really boring and analytical, so I figured I'd come help."—Dr. Tease, X-Men
Dr. Tease: "X-Men is a science game, I know a thing or two about science."
Chick: "Well I know everything and I only need one sidekick that's going to lick me constantly, so you can just peace the hell out."
"I only like X-Men in an intellectual, analytical, culturally relevant way- [Dr. Tease jabs her with Truth Serum] oh my god this was the best show ever, you guys!"—Chick, X-Men
Dr. Tease: "Why would Nella leave her Star Trek shirt there?"
Chick: "Sometimes shirts get left on chairs, it's not weird!"
"Oh hug me beast! You're so blue! I love blue things!"—Chick, X-Men
Dr. Tease: "You miss your Nella, right?"
Chick: "No no no, you know I'm all about playing in God's domain but that's going way too far."
Chick: "Yeah..."
Dr. Tease: "Cloning her is the logical solution!"
"Ahh, God's domain. I have a timeshare there."—Dr. Tease, X-Men
Dr. Tease: "You're denying your inner fangirl!"
Chick: "No, I'm not! I grew out of that a long time ago, it was Nella's job to be the mindless fangirl and now she's dead and now this show will have to survive on hardcore analysis and puppies!"
"Nella is gone and now I don't have anyone to sit here and make me look good and smart by comparison."—Chick, X-Men
"Oh my GOD, it's adorable! Oh my god, lookit the baby Christian Bale! Lookit the poonum! Look at the face! OMIGOD! Just tie him up!"
"I mean, it's not that I - of all people - would be obsessed with a guy who's face I've never seen!"—Chick, Grease II
"I'm not racist, I have a black friend."—Chick in her TLC retrospective, before the screen goes to Nella
"Disneyland? Nintendo 64? Teddy bears? Pajamas. Man, little girl, you must have had a really horrible life if pajamas take top slot in enjoyability."—Chick, City of Angels
"He's [Lou Pearlman] in jail now. But not for the little boy touching or the money schemes, I mean who doesn't do that?"—Chick, A Very N*Sync Christmas
"Maybe my heart is a cold, withered, shriveled thing battered from years of repression and alcoholism."—Chick, The Christmas Shoes
"Leave me alone, Mom, I'm busy! This fanfic ain't gonna write itself." *types* "And then Aragorn took Legolas into his masculine—"—Teenage!Lindsay, The Christmas Shoes
"We wanted to be as witty and dry and untouchable as Daria, but we related to her vulnerability, whether you were an outsider or not. And Daria helped you laugh it off, snark it off and keep a perspective on what actually mattered."—Chick, Daria
Chick: [staring off into space] Best friends...
Nella: Of course! As long as you don't default on your payments!
Nella: [smiling] Best friends forever!
Chick: And we'll always be friends, won't we...—Top Ten Worst Disney Sequels
Chick: Interesting that when the Beast acts like an asshole like this, it always ends up fine despite him learning the lesson over and over. Every time I try this with a damsel it never pans out.
- cut to Todd tied up again*
Chick: Wow, I sure do have a bad disposition. I think I need to be fixed.
Todd: You want me to go to the bathroom in that?
Todd: You know, this didn't work the first five times you did this, Nostalgia Chick. I need to go to the bathroom.
Chick: (drunkenly singing while holding a teacup in the air) Oh, oh, inanimate object!—Top Ten Worst Disney Sequels
"Entertainment is the only product in our kids' lives where parents will go "So what if it's crappy? It's just for my children." You don't say that about anything else in their lives. "What? It's just a car seat! So what if the belt barely works?" "What? It's just food." And do you know why that is? Is it because you want your kids or yourself to be enriched? No. It's because kids are stupid, and you don't care what they watch, you just want them to shut up. So you can blame Disney for going crazy with direct-to-video shit but you know what? It's your fault, parents, for buying shitty awful movies for your kids based on the standards your company used to uphold. Oh wait! You don't care, because kids are stupid, and they want the same shit over and over, and you're okay with them watching shitty movies."—Chick (in rare Mama Bear mode), Top Ten Worst Disney Sequels
"So this week we're going to try and be n- ni... less mean, and give you a less awful list to balance out the last one."
Chick, Top Five Least Awful Disney Sequels
"We get to watch Andy Dick die. Mmm, I like that, yeah. Watch that again. Oh yeah, that feels nice, I don't know, like getting a back massage. Again? Yeah, I remember really digging this!"—Chick, Top Five Least Awful Disney Sequels
"It is the revenge fantasy where you show up to your high school reunion in a white limo and forty pounds lighter wearing fur, all under the guise of innocence and martyrdom, and is totally inapplicable in real life."—Chick, Cinderella III, Top Five Least Awful Disney Sequels
"You know I'm a total bigot who's all about generalizations, but even I don't buy this."
"What do we like more than a big masculine crusader for justice? A project!"—Chick, Top Ten Hottest Animated Guys
"Basically, we're all adult children of alcoholics and want to change you."—Chick, Top Ten Hottest Animated Guys
"Alright, nothing I love better than being offended by movies Disney made sixty years ago. Thank you, Disney. Thank you for making yourselves such an easy target."—Chick, Song of the South
"And, as it's February, it seemed appropriate that I do Song Of The South right now as, here in America, February is National Pet Dental Health Awareness month, and a dog features heavily in this movie."—Chick, Song of the South
"Like Uncle Charlie used to say, you run around in the bullpen, you get fucking killed."—Chick, Song of the South
Nella: I'll just do your dishes for you, that you left in my sink. Again.
Nella: ...or letting you wash your clothes in my washer/dryer...
Chick: [to the audience] Oh no. It's... [sting] Catholic guilt.
Nella: I mean it's not like I'm getting paid for this, or letting you use my cable or...
Chick: Gotta go do another review that you're not in see you later. [runs off]
Nun!Nella: It's not as if I did all those dishes in your name when I should have been doing them in the name of our Lord.
Nun!Nella: Oh don't let me judge you, God will do that for me.
Chick: [facepalming] Not the Catholic guilt again.
Nun!Nella: Or all those times I watched your dog when you ran off to stalk Todd in your futile attempts at fornication.
Chick: It's not fornication if we were married in a previous life.