< SCP Foundation

SCP Foundation/Funny


For a site that's designed to scare the shit out of you, there sure are a lot of funny moments to be had.

Attempts to Kill SCP-682

  • It's deleted now, but there was once an attempt to use SCP-285 to destroy 682, playing various songs like "The Doom Song", "Peanut Butter Jelly Time", and... "Never Gonna Give You Up". They tried to rickroll 682.

Memo: "Honestly, what was the plan here, annoy it to death? Besides observation of the upper limits of the rage state of SCP-682, and causing the temporary evacuation of Site ██, this accomplished nothing. Also, I am sending Kondraki the bill for all the glass broken on-site from that damn thing's screaming."

  • It seems to have been removed (The new entry simply saying that testing was denied) but the old test log that detailed the results of giving SCP-682 SCP-447-2 Most of it was [EXPUNGED], though along all the casualties and property damage was mention of "Weapons-grade minty breath."
  • SCP-826 is a pair of bookends that can transport people into the universe of any story put between them.

SCP-826, equipped with one (1) copy of "The Generally Nice, Friendly Thing That Can And Will Kill SCP-682 Permanently if it So Much As Spots That Damn Lizard", a 12-page short story written by Dr. ██████, detailing a large, friendly monster that is stated to be capable of permanently killing SCP-682, and 1 (one) D-Class personnel (D-682-32) equipped with 1 (one) 2010 Ducati Multistrada motorcycle for the purpose of evading SCP-682.
[...]
Recovery personnel describe the story's pasture as having become a "Battleground", featuring impact craters with enormous body parts scattered around. Parts are thought to be from the story's "Thing". Recovered story is retitled "The Generally Nice, Friendly Thing That Tried To Kill SCP-682 Permanently But Failed" , and is noticeably thicker, with 209 individual pages that detail an epic battle between the two monsters.

  • Amongst the procedures trying to kill 682, one of the suggested ideas would be...to drop it from a really high place. Naturally, this gets denied.

Notes: Seriously? I mean....seriously? Drop it from an Aircraft and let it fall...who in the [DATA EXPUNGED.]

Despite the tragedy that SCP-682 had brought upon the facility, SCP-999 has not shown any fear towards the creature and in fact has made gestures suggesting it wants to "play" with SCP-682 again. SCP-682, however, has stated, "That feculent little snot wad can [DATA EXPUNGED] and die."

    • The discussion page points out that 682 may not stop slaying everything just because it's happy, which is worrying, but then brings up the image of "682 equipped with a variety of Dr. Seuss-stylized pipe-organ-like orifices protruding from his back, slaughtering his way across the planet to a variety of Tom Lehrer tunes".
  • Introducing two regular kids into his enclosure. The results end about as well as you'd expect. Then they throw the genius Dr. W. in there after that.
  • Introducing SCP-682 to SCP-053, who ends up scribbling on 682 with crayons.
  • One plan, directly after giving him the kids, was to leave 682 in a room with a normal bouquet of flowers. After a short period of confusion, 682 simply stomps the flowers to dust. The doctors even wonder what the hell anybody was hoping to accomplish with this test.


Joke SCPs

  • SCP-1543, though a joke SCP, is one of the funniest things in the entire archive.

There is a long-standing tradition of rivalry between the task force that runs The Sun Launcher and Team 10 Gazillion Nuclear Detonations All Used At Once.

Girl: What's her power mister?
231: Well I can [DATA EXPUNGED] [DATA EXPUNGED] [DATA EXPUNGED]
Scientist 2: (mouth wide open, shocked expression on his face)
231: I also like shopping.

    • Effects the chair has on Able - when he sits on it, it turs him into Xavier, but when somebody else sits on it, Able turns into Wolverine and gets into a fight with whoever turned into Cyclops over person who was turned into Jean.

Mediating researcher: I don't want to interrupt, but Able, aren't you incapable of feeling love?
Able: No… I just have a dark past.
Researcher: Huh?
Able: I'm generally good at heart. I've had a tough life, though.
Researcher: I've seen you stab a kid in the face!

  • SCP-069-J. Or, in the words of the comment page, "You turned the Foundation... into an H-game."
  • SCP-4445. Hey, it had to be said!
  • SCP-666-j - aka "Dr. Gerald's Driving Skills." Best summed up by the captions:

How the hell did he manage that with an electrically-powered Segway?
The results of Dr. Gerald driving through the town of [REDACTED] on a moped.
A research team hypothesized that rollerblades are, technically, vehicles. We tested their hypothesis by having Gerald skate into the IRG's headquarters in Tehran. They were right.

  • SCP-50-AE-J. It's a .50 Desert Eagle that fires SCP-50-AE-1: an actual giant Bald Eagle that rabidly attacks anything perceived to be anti-American while yelling lines appropriate to Liberty Prime.

Special Containment Procedures: SCP-50-AE-J is to be kept in a steel box locked with a padlock and wrapped in an American flag. The box containing SCP-50-AE-J is to be kept away from the following: Russian literature, radios, the Pope, first generation Russian immigrants, and pictures of Ronald Reagan.
Investigations into the further properties of SCP-50-AE-1 have been stymied by the fact that SCP-50-AE-1 continues to attack Foundation scientists, calling them "PINKO FUCKS".
SCP-50-AE-1 appears to be able to distinguish genetic and racial information in its targets. SCP-50-AE-1 also appears to have a profound dislike of Germans. D-1409 is to be incinerated entirely, after his testicles are recovered from SCP-50-AE-1.

  • Just about every word on SCP-5308-J is absolutely hilarious, it's no wonder it's the highest rated joke SCP on the site.
  • SCP-2008-J is a sports mascot. Not an animal that looks like a sports mascot, or a costume that turns people into a creature that looks like a mascot, but an actual man in a costume.
  • SCP 500-J, aka "that bitch," aka O5-8's shrew of a wife.
  • SCP 006-J, aka "WHAT THE FUCK IS THAT THING?" Hey, even the Foundation can be scared by creepy insects.

Object Class: KETER OH GOD KILL IT

SCP-4357-J: And THAT is how you make a proper summoning circle. All the runes in place, everything nice and neat. NOW, if I step in it like this, it'll be hard for me to get out!
SCP-4357-J tries to step out of the circle and bumps against an unseen barrier.
SCP-4357-J: Oh, FUCK ME!

    • Later:

SCP-4357-J: Shit! That hurts, motherfuckers! Doesn't matter much, though; I'll just jump out again. It's not like you can put up a cage that'll hold me, either. I can bust through anything other than wrought-iron that has the words of Solomon on it, and where the unholy fuck are you going to find THAT nowadays, huh?
07/14/19██
Foundation metalworkers install a wrought-iron cage under the supervision and blessing of Rabbi ███████
SCP-4357-J: Shit.

13) There is no market for SCP brand pornography.
13.5) No, not even in Germany.
13.75) It probably would generate a great deal of revenue if sold in Japan but still, 682 on Iris, Jesus Christ man.

60) "Accidentally" spilling green gelatin on a dead body in the presence of the O5 was funny exactly once, and the smell of excrement exuding from O5-2's khakis spoiled the moment.

81) "For the Emperor" is not an acceptable justification for any decision.

84) Not allowed to lace 'orgasm muffins' with Ex-lax. Again.

90) Not allowed to kick SCP-2558-J.

90.5) Not allowed to play dodgeball with SCP-2558-J.

92) Foundation resources may not be used to run Crysis. Build your own computer Bright!

104) Yes, empirical evidence is the foundation of science. Yes, blind faith is the death of reason. No, this does not logically imply that Dr. Rights is ethically obligated to demonstrate the existence of her breasts under laboratory conditions.

109) Dr. Bright cannot change the standard issue D-Class uniform to black pants with a red polo shirt.

118) No matter how many times he photoshops himself into a picture of SCP-682, and no matter how many Australians he possesses, Bright is not, and never was, the "Crocodile Hunter".

118.3) Nor does every SCP/D-Class "really hate it when you jam your thumb up their bum".

118.3.1) And he is not allowed to do that "Right naow!"

118.5) Claiming to survive the detonation of an SCP-2558-J-Ex does not make him a lion tamer, either.

127) Dr. Bright is not allowed to use SCP-587 to re-enact the locker scene from Men in Black, nor play Godzilla with its inhabitants.

138) Dr. Bright may not put "A cup of orgasm" from SCP-294 through SCP-914 on the Very Fine setting.

138.1) Dr. Bright may not use SCP-294 to create a "cup of memetic orgasm" and use it on worldwide television.

138.5) Dr. Bright is not permitted to use SCP-294 to create orgasms of any kind, memetic, sentient or otherwise.

138.6) Given the results of requesting a cup of "Dear God No", Dr.Bright is no longer allowed to use SCP-294 directly or outside of approved testing.

138.6.5) Given that he asked another staff member to request a "Cup of Explodium" from SCP-294 to "see what would happen", Dr Bright is not allowed to ask other staff members to access SCPs for him, no matter how instructive, funny or helpful the results would be. The only exception to this is SCP-963.

173) Excessive force is not the same as the Force, therefore using it does not make Dr. Bright a Jedi.

196) SCP-963 is not a 'soul gem', and despite what he might say, making a contract with Dr. Bright will not turn you into a 'Magical Girl'.

196.1) Not even if he includes a 'magical girl outfit'.

    • Also in there are Dr. Bright's 'wrong' mottos for SCP Foundation which gives such examples as "Stab Carrion Powerfully," "Let's use it on 682!" "Can we put it through 914?" and my personal favourite, "That's it, you're on Keter."
    • While not in above list, SCP-914 experiment log note that he has been forcibly removed from any further experimentation involving SCP-914, after he put five Little Pearl Vibrator in it. On Very Fine setting, it become 1 small black box, bearing a red button. When the button is pressed, everyone in line of sight of the object except the holder experiences an overpowering orgasm.

Note: The Very Fine has been confiscated by Oversight, due to potential for misuse.

  • Chowderclef. Just...Chowderclef.
    • CHOWDER FOR THE CHOWDERCLEF! SPUDS FOR THE SPUD THRONE!
  • Bees. That is all.
    • The funniest part of that was that it is mentioned at the bottom that this is the most accurate account of Incident [BLANK]. Makes you wonder what other accounts looked like...
  • Remember, SCP is Special Containment Procedures. SPC is. . . something else.
    • If you just read the previous two entries here, you would probably like to know that someone wants to do a Sharks vs. Bees crossover.
  • This odd story is pretty entertaining, but the real hilarity comes in the discussion page. After some conversing, Clef (the real guy, not the Foundation character) challenges another user to write a story titled "Poopstick McGee and the Flying Walruses". The user aptly replies:

TroyL: ...Challenge accepted.

Rooby rooby [REDACTED] - Agent Mu 4-5


Other Entries

Folded Into: A paper boat/hat - When placed in water, became self-propelling at speeds of up to 60 km/h. When inverted and placed on head, subject's physical attractiveness was greatly increased in the eyes of viewers. When both were performed simultaneously, both effects were achieved, with subject reported as looking 'dead sexy' while scooting around the water upside-down.

Folded Into: Origami copy of SCP-682 - Animated halfway through folding process, causing Dr. G considerable injury. Testing session ended.
—Notes: Let's not try that again. - Dr. G
  • SCP-504, obviously.
    • "Those tomato slices are like fucking shuriken."
    • The absolutely epic Take That in the test notes.

Item: One mature SCP-504 tomato
Subject: CD player playing "Harmful If Swallowed" (2003, Dane Cook)
Result: At [REDACTED], tomato clocked 167 mph. CD player destroyed.

    • And this

Item: One mature SCP-504 tomato
Subject: Television playing the SNL Sarah Palin and Hillary Clinton skit.
Result: Tomato reacted as if 'confused': slow-motion video shows three separate bursts of speeds in excess of 200mph, two incidences of motion at normal throwing speeds, and one unprecedented instance of backward motion, all in the one trajectory. Dr. King hypothesises that the tomato was unsure whether or not to 'take it seriously'.

  • Also, the test log for SCP-914.
    • Hell, everything in that log, from producing a cell phone with 682's home number as speed dial 1 to an anachronistic IRS 1040 form filled out by Augustus Caesar.

"Yes, I've been playing chess with 914. Yes, I'm aware it's supposed to be non-sentient, but that hardly explains why it's winning."
Input: 1 brown paper bag
Setting: Very Fine
Output: [DATA EXPUNGED]. It appears to be slightly larger inside than outside.

    • That had this troper rolling.
    • Alternatively, it could be a Shout-Out to something else bigger on the inside...
    • One of the best, I think:

Input: 1x IRS Form 1040 (blank)
Setting: Fine
Output: 1x IRS Form 1040, with all blank space including margins and backs of pages filled with imprecations against the IRS and taxation in general in the following languages [in order of quantity of text, from greatest to least]: Basque, Quenya [see below], Sumerian, Cherokee, an unidentifiable language with a writing system composed of curved symbols, Classical Chinese, English (from the curses used, apparently c. 1650-1750). After long study of the unidentifiable symbols Dr. █████ could identify no commonality with any of the other languages present on the form. The Sumerian contained three words unattested from any known text. The Quenya had its cursing of the IRS interspersed with vituperation of someone or something called "Morgoth".

    • Some of the best ones are the ones where it is left up to the reader's mind what happened, like these.

Input: 1 lb. raw ground beef
Setting: Very Fine
Output: [DATA EXPUNGED]. Appeared to be [DATA EXPUNGED] ██████████ started mooing ██████████ bitten subject [DATA EXPUNGED] ██████████ escaped into ██████████ screaming ██████████ [DATA EXPUNGED] hungry for [DATA EXPUNGED]. Subject immediately terminated.

Input: 1 (one) ██████ brand 'Super-Duper Bouncy Ball'
Setting: Very Fine
Output: One ball, that appears unchanged from the input. There is however, a difference in its [REDACTED] properties, exhibited when dropped by Researcher █. ██████ [REDACTED] forty five casualties, twelve injuries [DATA EXPUNGED] ███ escape velocity, [DATA EXPUNGED] spotted orbiting Mars.

    • A copy of The Scarlet Letter on ultra-fine produced a six-page summary. Dr. Byron's son pressured him to use this instead of reading the actual book...
    • The outburst on this one is hilarious:

Input: Five (5) issues of [REDACTED] pornographic magazine.
Setting: Very Fine
Output: [DATA EXPUNGED] of a naked woman.
OH GOD I FORGOT ABOUT CONSERVATION OF MASS OH GOD - Junior Assistant Ibor

    • A couple of hilarious and now deleted entries that previously existed on the page included a tomato that was put on "Very Fine" that came out as an animated humanoid with a top hat and cane that began loudly singing annoying show tunes until it was "thoroughly incinerated." Another was a Queen's Greatest Hits CD that was put through on "Very Fine," with the output being [[DATA EXPUNGED] and all researchers being treated for injuries related to "excessive headbanging."
    • This troper's personal favorite, mostly because clarification of the last part makes perfect sense given the subject:

Input: Helium balloon, red.
Setting: Fine.
Output: Long, thin helium balloon twisted into a biological shape resembling SCP-682.
Note: Experiments have shown that the balloon demonstrates a high resilience to attempts to puncture or pop it, but fortunately lacks the nihilistic vitriol against existence possessed by the original SCP and is, in fact, inanimate.

    • Another bit of logs for SCP-914, after Peters screwed around with a copy of Madworld:

Name: Dr. ██████
 Date: █/██/20██
Total Input One (1) Xbox 360 video game console with hard drive and wireless internet attachments


Input: One (1) Xbox 360 video game console with hard drive and wireless internet attachments
Setting: Coarse
Output: One (1) Nintendo Gamecube (memory card absent) and One (1) TI-89 graphing calculator


Note: I am going to fucking kill you. - Engineering Director Peters

"What is WITH you people?" - Dr. A. Clef

  • "SCP personal below Level 3 are now banned from handling SCP-500. This is not to be used to cure a hangover. Get AIDS and then ask permission."
  • During Incident 239-B, Clef despaired of the Foundation's leniency towards humanoid SCPs;

Hypothesis: if an enemy wished to destroy the Foundation, all they would need is ten nuclear weapons in the kiloton range, disguised as Girl Scouts.

In less than an hour, SCP-705 had taken control of the Mr. Coffee machine, declaring independence and control over the region. The assault was routed when Dr. Rights brushed them away from the burner, resulting in massive casualties and a complete rout. Interviews with SCP-705 remark on this day with great fear and resentment.

Dr. Gears: ...This allowed him to achieve what I hypothesize to be his true goal.
Interviewer: ...which would be?
Dr. Gears: To ride SCP-682.
EXCERPT FROM POST-INCIDENT INTERVIEW 083-CLEF-01
Dr. Clef: WAIT, WHAT!?

    • While the whole Kondraki riding SCP-682 was hilarious. What really cracked me up was when they managed to break into SCP-173's cell, the video reveals that, despite the fact that SCP-682 is still trying to get Kondraki off, they are both still maintaining eye contact with it the entire time. I fell on the floor trying to breathe.
  • The list of food items procured from SCP-261, a magic vending machine.

Item Description: Orgasm Muffins - A package containing three small, chocolate muffins. Upon eating the muffins, subjects were overcome with intense orgasm. The third muffin caused temporary impotency in subject. Tasty.
Item description: Uncle Slaanesh's Candy Nipples. Packaging in a mix of Latin and Sumerian; front of package refers to candy as Uncle Slaanesh's, all other sides to Auntie Slaanesh's. Package contained gummi candy in the vague shape of human teats, with a slight meaty flavor, heavily sweetened. Chewy to the point of inedibility. Package interior contained winning mail-in coupon for a free Warhammer 40,000 "Warcooks of Auntie Slaanesh" model set.
Item description: A bottle of purple liquid labelled "Tentacle Grape." Packaging was identical to our world's beverage of the same name in formatting, but apart from the product name, the script was unknown.
I'm forwarding this one to Dr. Rights. If she wants to experiment with it, that's her decision; I have no wish to risk being molested by a soft drink. - Agent Talmor

X-Treme Chips: Fed chips to D-Class 24045-06, whose voice immediately grew deeper and requested this agent join him in extreme sport activities such as surfboarding, mountain climbing, and bungee jumping. Request was denied.

Sewage Soup: Gave the liquid to D-Class 24045-06, who had been in the process of leaping from table to table. D-Class 24045-06 deceased immediately upon ingestion.

  • SCP-606, while otherwise silent, suddenly became... talkative:

God dammit, which one of you [REDACTED] gave it 2 MB of porn? It's already being considered for Keter, now we can't get it to shut up about [DATA EXPUNGED].

  • Any sufficiently long testing log will include an entry where someone attempts to kill a member of the staff which is dryly recorded as if it were a normal test. 682's Termination Log has two for named staff members and several more for innocent children (the guy in charge of that was one of the two staff members).

Notes: This is the official story and we're sticking to it. The alternative, that someone tried to murder Dr. Clef by deliberately putting him in the same room as SCP-682, is completely inconceivable. O5-7

"Security personnel ordered to line up all with clear lines of sight on tester, with instructions to not break eye contact with tester under any circumstances. When the disc was thrown, the security personnel experienced a "sudden wardrobe existence failure", causing all of them to lose eye contact with the tester, being more concerned with the loss of clothing and the issue of the climate being rather uncomfortable to a nude security guard."

  • A test log of SCP-978, a camera that produces photographs of what the subject really wants to be doing:

Subject: Kitten (stray lab animal)
Photographs Activity: Being held for the picture by Dr. █████
Photo Result: [DATA EXPUNGED] - I would NEVER do that to a kitten! -Dr. █████

Planet III: mostly ocean dotted with islands of varying biome, presently inhabited by a sentient species of nomadic reptilians, with a religion based on ocean tides and the unexpected sight of Doctor ████████'s helmeted face in the night sky.
Addendum: Any personnel caught placing glow-in-the-dark stars on the walls of the cell will be reassigned to paperwork.
In the event that Planet IV’s inhabitants attempt to build another satellite weapon (see Incident Report SCP-756 A), personnel assigned to remove it must remain aware that although missiles fired from IV's surface cannot penetrate standard-issue spacesuits, helmets or visors, weapons platforms will almost certainly fire more quickly than the average human being can move.

  • The (NSFW) Technical Issues page. All of it.
    • There is now a new version of that page written by a different person. It's just as hilarious.
  • A D-Class with little intelligence and imagination is tested on SCP-825, a helmet that uses disturbing (to the person) audio/visual hallucinations.

Results: As expected the subject confinement in a room with several rodents. When asked if he was being bitten, the subject responded "No... wait, now they are." Further suggestions as to how the vision could be worse (larger rats, being restrained, being confined in a tiny box filled with rats, the rats specifically attacking subject's eyes and genitals) were all subsequently introduced into the subject's vision after a short delay.

  • At the bottom of the page, turns out SCP-294 has a sense of humor:

"Researcher reported a quantifiable level of surprise at the occurrence."

    • The poor dude ordered "Surprise me". 294 gave him a cup of superheated water, which exploded in his face.
    • Someone orders "Whatever the next person orders", to see if it can predict the future. Of course, the machine just waited until the next person ordered and gave both drinks at the same time. "Cleanup took two hours, and the researcher was told in a firm voice not to do it again."
    • SCP-294 has complied with a request to make a Pan-Galactic Gargle Blaster.
  • The SCP Enquirer.
  • Abusing SCP-661, a rude actor with the power of a Compelling Voice.

- '████. It ████████ reeks in here. Open a god ████ window or something' (Denied. Security Officer ██████ farted instead.)

    • How about when he asked for a can of Pepsi, and was given a can of Coke instead? "Denied. After recovering from concussion, Dr. █████ was reassigned to a non-sentient SCP." I love it; reminds me of that commercial where the Pepsi delivery guy and Coke delivery guy meet in a restaurant, try each other's product, and the Coke guy wouldn't give back the Pepsi can...
  • One note on the page for SCP-105, a woman with the ability to manipulate places though photographs:

Note 2: If I see you one more time using SCP-105 as a device to punch or stab people over the Internet, I will personally make sure you spend the rest of your days at SCP in Keter duty." -Dr. Dantensen

Once a normal community of 387 was constructed, a small mound of Megablocks (a common copy of Lego) was placed near the community. When this happened, everything constructed of 387 stopped moving, turned slowly towards the Megablocks and [EXPUNGED].


Addendum 387-6: Jesus fucking Christ. - Dr. Arch

    • Don't forget what happens when you expose kids to sentient Lego blocks.

"Addendum 387-1: How the fuck did these children gain knowledge of the workings of a M1 Abrams Tank, no less [EXPUNGED]!?"

  • The testing log for SCP-061, a computer program that controls people's minds. The vague "Run on treadmill" command resulted in the test subjects attempting to run on an unmoving treadmill, run on a treadmill at full speed, and jog until told to stop, respectively, the latter two of which ended up flying off the end of the treadmill, AFV-style. Your Mileage May Vary, but I just found that hilarious.
  • This gem.
  • The ending of SCP-523 got a laugh out of This Troper.

Note: Since it seems that SCP-523's transformations are more or less proportional to the gravity of the situation it is being used for, it is imperative that it be destroyed immediately in the event of an XK-class end-of-the-world scenario, as it may turn into something that would further exacerbate the situation. Like the Sun. -Dr. Willis

  • I have my description written entirely in the first person and am incredibly funny as a result. Just don't go back and read what I do to people.

Description: Hello, I am SCP-426. I must be introduced this way in order to prevent ambiguity. I am an ordinary toaster, able to toast bread when supplied with electricity. However, when any human being mentions me, they inadvertently refer to me in the first person. Despite all attempts, there is yet to be a way to speak or write about me in the third person. When in my continuous presence for over two months, individuals begin to identify themselves as a toaster. Unless forcibly restrained, these people will ultimately harm themselves in their attempts to emulate my standard functions.

    • The doc's note at the end: "Thank God there are some limits to my effects. A lot of us were really starting to get worried about me."
  • Telling a nine year old Reality Warper (SCP-239) about Santa Claus. Should have seen it coming:

Note from Dr. ████████, dated 12/26/04: Who the hell thought it would be a good idea to tell her about "Santa Claus" and then tell her that it was just a story?! Now we have another potential SCP to deal with, but we can't catch him because he is "magic".

Item Description: a 30 inch tall statue of a clown. If the lights in the room containing it are turned off, then back on, the statue will have moved to a different, random location in the room. During the period in which the lights are off, giggling can be heard from the room.
Date of Recovery: 5-16-200█
Location of Recovery: ██████, Germany
Record of Destruction: Shot approximately 150 times with a 9mm sidearm by Agent ██████, until nothing remained but splinters. No anomalous properties recorded in the remains.
Fucking clowns… -Agent ██████

    • Also in there is a parrot who can recite the entirety of Shakespeare's works. When they asked who was interested in keeping it, who should step forward but "Agent Yoric"?
  • SCP-743 is a Keter chocolate fountain that devours people. The Foundation plans to feed condemned D-class personnel to it. What do they call this plan? Death By Chocolate.
  • Two people attempting to discuss this eminently forgettable thing.
    • When someone attempts to refine a list of 'Everything we know [the above item] is not' with 914's "Very Fine" setting:

Output: A list of something, about something. Researcher and Guard failed to recall what was on the list. List was misplaced, somewhere.

Gephart: I do want to say one thing, though.
Kondraki: And what's that?
Gephart: In the end, you wound up hitting it with a rock after all.

<boos, catcalls>

    • Also this:

Interviewer:"I'm just curious: was it REALLY necessary to cast the kill item in the shape of a giant steel fist?"

Dr. Clef: "Not really, no."

  • SCP-780 is a small bead which attaches to plants and grows into a perfect copy of them. The experiment log shows that this also works with pictures of plants or written descriptions of plants. Thus the warning:
Remember, SCP-780-1 only has the vulnerabilities of the host plant! Anyone at Site ██ found with text reading "Invulnerable tree which reaches to the moon" will be demoted to Keter duty!
—Dr. █████████
  • SCP-826 is a set of bookends which can portal users into the universe of whichever book is placed between its halves.

On ██/██/20██, SCP-826 was discovered to be missing by Dr. Clopine, who alerted Foundation security personnel. Security camera footage revealed assistant researcher D█████ V████████ had removed SCP-826 before leaving for the night. Personnel then proceeded to V████████'s apartment, where they detained him as he was entering the building. Searching his bag, Personnel found SCP-826 along with a new bottle of KY Warming Gel and a DVD copy of The Little Mermaid. SCP-826 was returned to the Foundation and V████████ has since been reassigned to Keter Duty.

    • See above for the inevitable attempt to kill SCP-682 with it.
  • SCP-041
    • "It has come to my attention that several personnel have used SCP-041 as an ad-hoc 'she likes me/she likes me not' detector. This is one of the most appalling things I've ever heard. Are we safeguarding potentially world-destroying objects or are we in third grade?" — Dr. Klein.
  • SCP-173, Soviet style.
  • This line from an After Action report about an incident wherein a D-Class prevents SCP-498 from getting out of control: "...D-4112 was treated for severe internal bleeding, commended for preventing a potentially catastrophic containment breach, and successfully terminated at the end of the month."
  • SCP-299 is a Keter-class botanical SCP that turns any plant into a ravenous carnivore upon contact. For some reason, the Foundation decided to test it on a sunflower.

Specimen's trunk snapped upon introduction of researcher's foot. Remains incinerated.

  • SCP-871, a collection of 237 cakes which, if eaten, will replace themselves within 24 hours and if not eaten will replicate themselves. Seems normal enough, but the funny part is that it's categorized as Keter class, with Foundation scientists estimating that an uncontrolled outbreak would destroy the world by drowning it in cake!
    • Also, the containment procedures suggest executing any D-class who refuses to eat the cake. Eat that cake or die.
  • SCP-731's "rebuttal" to the scientists' experiments s is simply funny.
  • From the exploration logs of SCP-455:

T2L: T2L here HQ, we sent up a man as advised and he returned in four minutes. Sent him back twice in a sprint, two minutes. We all recorded thirty to get down this far at least, and we all recorded our scout's return times as well. There is definitely something inconsistent.
HQ: Proceed as planned T2L, time lapses have been recorded but we see no need to abort mission over this. Please use precautions when these lapses occur and immediately try to raise us should you suspect one so we can confirm time since last contact. In addition if radio silence is encountered use utmost discretion.
… … … .
T2L respond?
… … … .
T2L?
… … … .
Fuck.

  • SCP-514, a flock of doves that shuts down any attempt at violence and disables all weapons in its area of effect. This results in groups fighting to control it using....alternate methods of conflict resolution.

-O5-██: Are you serious? The fate of one of our SCPs could be decided on the outcome of rock-paper-scissors?!
Captain ████████: I assure you sir, you have nothing to fear. We are dead serious about these matters.

O5-11: Captain, couldn't you have chosen a more… dignified… game as your primary conflict resolution method? Seeing two grown men in all-black tactical gear taking a children's card game so seriously is… off-putting.

Dr. Grant: Subsequent testing determined that the results of this experiment were delicious.
Dr. Deral: It would seem Dr. Grant is a rather poor whiskey connoisseur, as whiskey does not age outside of the barrel. Your delicious experiment resulted in a 37-year old bottle of 12-year old scotch. Well done.
Dr. Grant: I stand by my initial assessment. Delicious.

  • During the so-called Tempest Night, a lone researcher decides to take on several intruders by himself, Die Hard-style. This is what happens.
  • SCP-173 becomes marginally less frightening when you realise it bears a distinct resemblance to Invader Zim.
  • The bizarrely adorable sapient calculator, SCP-168, wants a storage room with a window;

Upon entering storage room 185-D to continue testing with SCP-168 on the morning of January 15, 2008, I discovered the only table in the room upended, with SCP-168 resting next to it, in an upright position. Its screen read; “HOW DO YOU LIKE THAT? TEACH YOU TO LEAVE ME IN THE DARK ALL DAY. JERK.”

  • SCP-202, the guy who does everything in reverse:

Addendum: Direct Order from Commander [EXPUNGED]: "We're not having any more discussion about what happens when two oh two goes to the bathroom!"

  • SCP-483, pills which "de-age" the subject, in that they leave them biologically the same age but change all records of them to say they're younger;

Note: I've always been paranoid about memetic and mind-altering effects. Lucky for me, my countermeasures saved my memory from the overdose. Unfortunately, however, I've lost my clearance, seniority, staff, awards, retirement date, and the opportunity to have my aging mother ever recognize me again. Fixing at least some of these problems would be simple; that is, if anyone knew who the hell I was! That's the last time I get a rookie to draw up an experimental procedure for me, goddamn it. - Dr. Blast
Note: Dr. Blast, please refrain from using official documentation as a medium to voice complaint. That you're 2 weeks old is no excuse. - Dr. ████████

  • SCP-048 would fit, if it ever existed.
  • SCP-250, a living Allosaurus skeleton:

Unauthorized access to SCP-250's enclosure during its daily activity period is its own punishment.

Sample 887-1111: The musical score for "SCP Foundation, The Musical"
Personally, I think we should try to sell this to Broadway. I mean, really; how else are you going to see Dr. Bright and Dr. Clef belting out a duet about SCP-682's eating habits? -Dr. Edison

SCP-846: THIS VERSION OF ROBO-DUDE IS EQUIPPED WITH OVER A HUNDRED NEW ROBO-ACCESSORIES AND ROBO-FEATURES, INCLUDING 'VOICE ACTION', 'POWER PUNCH' AND 'ROBO-DANCE'. ROBO-DUDE WILL NOW DEMONSTRATE ROBO-DANCE.
Dr. ███████: No thank you, SCP-846, I'd like to -
(At this point, SCP-846 began a 'Robo-Dance', which lasted twenty-three (23) minutes. SCP-846 ignored all questions during this time period.)

  • This. The number of freak-outs caused by infinite pasta are hilarious.
  • Not straight-up funny like most of these, but SCP-1025 is a glorious bit of metafictional commentary by way of Reality Ensues. At first, it looks like your typical Keter-class object with a long experiment log killing a bunch of class-Ds, which eventually degenerates into an Apocalyptic Log... and then someone from O5 comes along and says that absolutely no unusual pathogens were detected and all the thing actually causes is "hypochondria by proxy." He/she then wonders who thought it was a good idea wasting all this money on the SCP, cuts the research funding, stuffs the book in a locker, and reclassifies it to "Safe."
  • SCP-261:
    • After Agent ████ asked SCP-261 for something to kill SCP-682, Agent ████ trys for another item. This time around he gets a cereal called "Stupid-O's", an obvious insult to Agent ████ from SCP-261 with love! The cereal box had Kuni from UNF on the box. The back of the box had phrases like "Stupid! You so stupid!" and "You get nothing!" The box also contained a tattoo prize saying "Hi, I ask for dumb stuff!" Again, Agent ████ asks if they could feed it to SCP-682. The other staff members with him dared him to put the tattoo on.

"At least he didn't wind up melting anyone's face or turning the entire site to steam or something equally ridiculous and fatal. Why do these guys always insist on trying to make something to kill SCP-682? It's like it's some rite of passage or something." -Dr. Aridorn

NO!! SCP-███ IS NOT MEANT TO BE FUNNY, EVER!!!

    This article is issued from Allthetropes. The text is licensed under Creative Commons - Attribution - Sharealike. Additional terms may apply for the media files.