Magic: The Gathering/Funny


Storylines


Flavor Text

Cards are not popular just for their effects, brokenness or artwork. Many cards find their ways into players' hearts because the Flavor Text accompanying the card ties everything together and is often hilarious.

The pyromancer summoned up her mightiest onslaught of fire and rage. Jace feigned interest.

"Spontaneous combustion is a myth. If you burst into flame, someone wanted you to." --Chandra Nalaar

"Yes, I think ‘toast' is an appropriate description." --Jaya Ballard, task mage

"Some have said there is no subtlety to destruction. You know what? They're dead." --Jaya Ballard, task mage

"Of course you should fight fire with fire. You should fight everything with fire." --Jaya Ballard, task mage

"I said 'pick his brain," not 'tear off his head.'"

"Everybody but me--CHARGE!"

They certainly are.

The correct answer to a barbarian's riddle is to choke on your own cleverness and die.

The knights see a worthy quarry. The dragon sees breakfast, lunch, and dinner.

Step 1: Find your cousin.
Step 2: Get your cousin in the cannon.
Step 3: Find another cousin.

"The enemy is getting too close! Quick! Inflate the toad!"

The more victims he kills, the more likely he is to get the right one.

"Throw rocks at 'em! Throw spears at 'em! Throw Furt at 'em!"

"Darius?"
 "Yeah?"
"There's a goblin sneaking up on you."
"So?"
"Just sayin'."

"Species XR 17 feeds upon the mental energies of its victims. This explains why the goblins remain unaffected."

"The goblin word for "flying" is more accurately translated as "falling slowly."

"Rauck-Chauv's like a holiday! Only it isn't on the calendars, and instead of dancing you knock people flat, and instead of giving gifts you break stuff."

"So he's got a sword. Big deal."
"Yeah it's a big deal--it's a big sword!"

"Just look at him, groveling on all fours! What a pathetic--uh-oh."

"So they want to kill my men? Well two can play at that game." --General Khurzog

"That was fun! Now me."

"The enemy has been destroyed, sir. So have the forest, the city, your palace, your dog..." --Keldon soldier

"Take the bridge, men! Victory! Victory is ou—Retreat! RETREAT!"

"We'll scale these cliffs, traverse Brittle Bridge, and then fight our way down the volcanic slopes on the other side."
"Isn't the shortest route through the canyon?"
"Yes."
"So shouldn't we—"
"No."

Squee bounced up and down. "I sees a horsey, an' a piggy, an' a—"
"If you don't shut up," hissed Mirri, "you'll see a kidney and a spleeny."

"Garl, adjust the slurry dispensers. Garl, fetch more corpses. Garl, quit crying and give me your brain tissue. If he doesn't stop being so rude, I'm quitting."

"I'd like to buy a bowel."

"I want a banana this big!"

In addition to killing peasants, punishing subordinates, and raising an army of nightmares, Braids somehow found time for her favorite hobby: petty extortion.

"Course he ran! I wouldn't want to stare down that barrel, either!" --Alaborn Soldier

Much to Multani's chagrin, Rofellos gleefully tutored Yavimaya's elves on the rudest and most vulgar words spoken in Llanowar.


Tournament Play and other meta humor

  • During the launch party for Unglued (the joke set that makes fun of Magic itself), Mark Rosewater took the role of a judge...while wearing a chicken suit. He wore a donkey suit for the release of the sequel set, Unhinged. On a related note, Mark also made a list of his favorite funny quotes from the players at the Unglued launch party, found Here (at the end).
  • Anytime you and your friends play a game of Magic where Unglued or Unhinged is included. Anytime. Just an example:

(on turn 3)
Friend 1: (stoic) For 3 mana, Farewell to Arms. Right hand. Go.
Friends 2: (manages to go through his turn with his right hand behind his back) Go.
Friend 1: (still stoic) For 3 mana, Farewell to Arms. Left hand. (smiles) Play with your feet, motherfucker.

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