Literal Ass Kissing

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    With Apologies to Jesse Jackson indeed!

    Derk was the nyght as pich, or as the cole,
     And at the wyndow out she putte hir hole,
     And Absolon, hym fil no bet ne wers,

    But with his mouth he kiste hir naked ers
    —Geoffrey Chaucer "Millers Tale" (see below for translation).

    Like Literal Ass-Kicking, certain rear-end related sayings aren't always figurative. Often used as a form of embarassment, Literal Ass Kissing is a rather ultimate form of humiliation and submission.

    A commmon variant is the Literal Genie version, when someone isn't familiar with the idiom and assumes it's an order.

    See also Literal Ass-Kicking.

    Examples of Literal Ass Kissing include:

    Film

    Porky: Ah b-b-b-b- correction,we're Looney Tunes.
    Daffy: And as such, property of Warner Brothers Inc.! -lifts up WB-emblazoned behind and kisses it- MMMMMWAH!

    • The 2000 film version of How the Grinch Stole Christmas.
    • In Shrek, the dragon is about to kiss Donkey when Shrek drops in to save him, and she ends up kissing Shrek's exposed hindquarters instead. She is not too pleased. Either way, she'd have kissed an ass.
    • A crude punk among the gang harassing Jackie and the lady running the market in Rumble in The Bronx taunts Jackie by saying if he kisses the punk's ass, he'll let him go, and then bares said ass to him. Jackie and the gang are in a parking garage, and Jackie promptly breaks the antenna off a car and uses it to whip the punk's bare ass instead.
    • In the first Police Academy movie, Mahoney puts brown shoe polish on Captain Harris' megaphone to make it look like he's been doing this.


    Literature

    Derk was the nyght as pich, or as the cole,
    And at the wyndow out she putte hir hole,
    And Absolon, hym fil no bet ne wers,
    But with his mouth he kiste hir naked ers

      • Modern English translation:

    Dark as pitch, or as coal, was the night, and at the window she put out her hole, and Absolom, who knew no better or worse but with his mouth he kissed her naked ass so sweetly, before he was aware of this.

      • Subverted later in the same story, when Absalom gets a red hot poker and returns to the window. When he calls for his kiss again, the lady's lover sticks his ass out the window to pull the same prank. *Sizzle*
    • In James Joyce's Ulysses, Leopold Bloom has a habit of kissing his wife's bottom as a greeting.
    • Used as a combined joke, CMOA, and Nightmare Fuel in Tithe by Holly Black: after finding out a villain's True Name, the main character sarcastically tells him to kiss her ass, and doesn't realize he's magically compelled to obey. "That is the true nature of servitude . . . Not at all pretty. In the future, I suggest you be less inventive with your insults."


    Live-Action Television

    • On Scrubs, a rich donor to the hospital is admitted as a patient. JD fantasizes that Dr. Kelso comes into the room and lifts up the patient's bedspread to kiss her butt.
    • Thanks to the Literal Genie nature of the magic bean in The Tenth Kingdom, this trope is the result when Butt Monkey (ha-ha!) Tony Lewis wishes for his boss "and his entire family to kiss my ass and be my slaves forever". It doesn't help that at least one of the Murrays must have been something of a brown-noser already, since he insists on kissing Tony's ass repeatedly. (Or could that also have been covered under the "forever" part?)


    Music

    • The titular ass-breath from The Coup's song "Ass Breath Killers" is a breath condition that one gets from kissing too much ass.


    Professional Wrestling


    Theatre

    • Clive Barker's play The History of the Devil. The Devil makes it a point to ask several characters, although very politely.


    Western Animation

    • South Park:
      • When Randy Marsh accidentally says the N word on TV, he apologizes to Jesse Jackson by kissing his ass on camera. This also turns the episode title "With Apologies to Jesse Jackson" into a Double Entendre.
      • Another South Park example: in the episode "Fun with Veal", Cartman refuses to help Stan and Kyle rescue the calves from the veal farm unless Kyle kisses him on the arse. Kyle reluctantly agrees, and Cartman lets off a fart in his face.
    • In the story where The Simpsons go to Ireland, Bart tricks people into kissing his bottom (which has been spraypainted) instead of the Blarney Stone, although this trick backfired when an Irish version of Nelson decides to carve his initials in the "rock."


    Other

    If you want to get to the top, prepare to kiss a lot of the bottom.

    • Medieval witches were believed to give the Devil the "Osculum infame" or "Kiss of Shame" when meeting him.
    • An old tradition in the South of France: people who lose a game of petanque 13-0 are supposed to "kiss Fanny's bottom". Many bars and petanque fields have a drawing or sculpture of Fanny presenting her butt to the loser, as seen here.
    • Slash Fic. That is all.
    • There are plenty of comics whose punch line is "Come on, Pinocchio, tell me a huge lie."
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