Hudson Hawk

"Hi! I'm being blackmailed into robbing the Vatican by a psychotic American corporation and the C.I.A.!"
—Hudson Hawk

Hudson Hawk is a 1991 film starring Bruce Willis while he was still making the transition from comedy roles like Moonlighting to his current Action Hero typecasting. Older tropers experienced with the actor's pre-Die Hard career will know this means he mugs a lot and does just about anything for a laugh. And he still has hair.

Gentleman Thief extraordinaire Eddie "Hudson Hawk" Hawkins has just gotten out of prison, and all he really wants is a cappuccino and an honest job. However, his parole officer has teamed up with two Italian brothers with the surname "Mario" to force him to do One Last Job that leads to a madcap series of capers that do all they can to defy summation.

Before it's over, Eddie will hurtle down a freeway on a gurney, unknowingly flirt with a nun, burgle the Vatican with fifty bucks worth of seemingly random items, discover Leonardo da Vinci's secret formula for turning lead into gold, battle candy-bar codenamed CIA agents (and one damned annoying crotch-biting dog), and if he survives all of this, then he can have his coffee.

The film was a box-office bomb (partly because it was marketed as though it were a serious action film when it's clearly intended as a comedy) and regarded for a long time as an embarrassing vanity project for Willis. Over time, it's developed a bit of a following for its shameless campiness.

Tropes used in Hudson Hawk include:

The last time you saw me, I was bald, with a beard and no mustache, and I had a different nose. So if you don't recognize me, I won't be offended.

"Candy bars. Well, it's better than when we first started out. Our code names were diseases. You know what it's like being called Chlamydia for a year?!?"

Hawk: "That's a good shot of you, Minerva"

  • Every Car Is a Pinto - The safety features on ambulances are apparently disabled by the presence of stupid mobsters. On the other hand, certain cars in the movie have very good interior fire-suppression systems.
  • Famous Last Words: MY PENSION!!!
  • Fast Roping - This is how Kit Kat makes his first appearance.
  • Faux Affably Evil: Darwin and Minerva Mayflower.

What can I say? I'm the villain.

George Kaplan: People were scared, the Agency had some respect, and I got laid every night!

  • Why Won't You Die? - Butterfinger.
  • Window Pain
  • World of Ham - The entire cast seems to be engaging in a scenery-chewing competition, especially Bruce Willis and Richard E. Grant.
  • You Fail Economics Forever - The Mayflowers want to make the world currency market collapse by making so much gold that it turns all of the stuff into Worthless Yellow Rocks. That might have worked in, say, 1965. However, ever since Richard Nixon took the US off the gold standard in 1971, no currency has any significant links whatsoever to gold, and making lots and lots of gold would only collapse the gold market. Enough to send shockwaves through the global economy? Probably. Enough to destroy it? Never.
    • The idea that their own fortune would be unaffected also falls short.
      • There's some implications that "most of" their fortune is in physical commodities and properties whose relative value would be unchanged... Which doesn't explain how they can throw around money like it's already worthless pieces of paper.
  • You Have Failed Me...
  • You Have Outlived Your Usefulness
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