Fiveminute.net


Got five?
Because stuff is long and life is short.
—Official Motto

Fiveminute.net is a website devoted to the creation and enjoyment of fivers. It was originally known as Five-Minute Voyager, but has since branched off to cover all Star Trek series, other scifi television shows, anime, video games, movies, and so forth.

A "fiver" is a written parody of a television episode, film, video game, etc. that's meant to evoke humor through the summarizing process. They are called such because they are theoretically meant to be readable in five minutes if you don't have time to watch the full episode or movie. If anything, a fiver is an unholy fusion of an episode from an Abridged Series and Mystery Science Theater 3000.

Just as contributors to troping sites are known as tropers, creators of fivers are known as "fivists".

Fiveminute.net provides examples of the following tropes:

Common Tropes Present in Fivers:

  • Alternate Character Interpretation: Janeway's caffeine addition and Data's ignorance of metaphors are ramped Up to Eleven for humorous effect.
  • Every Episode Ending: Most fivers end with the Enterprise (or Voyager, or whatever) warping off at Ludicrous Speed. Deep Space Nine turns at Ludicrous Speed instead.
  • Handsome Lech: Riker repeatedly. Playing on his tendency to pair up with the green skinned hottie of the week.
  • No Fourth Wall: A lot of characters know they're in an abridged parody.
  • Running Gag: The most common sound effect used when someone dies is "GAK!"
    • And if someone is miraculously brought back to life, the Unsound Effect is "!KAG"
    • Also fandom jokes, such as Chakotay being made of wood.
    • Insanity is usually marked by the character in question making up anagrams.

Note: Since the fourth wall barely exists, all methods of Playing with a Trope exist in fivers. They will not be pointed out in the following examples. Also, the various individual fivers have so many tropes that this page can only serve as a best-of collection.

Elani: Should you be teaching us all this Vulcan stuff? What about the Prime Directive?
Tuvok: The what?

Mark: Hello, honey. Feeling guilty?
Janeway: Nuts, nuts, nuts, nuts, nuts...

Tuvok: The Kazon have beamed away and they took a transporter module.
Janeway: Lock on to the module and beam it back!
Tuvok: Kinda hard to beam something when we don't have a transporter module.

Neelix: I won't play lab rat to ease your conscience.
Jetrel: But you so look the part!

Paris: Darn... I mean good, Chakotay's not dead.
Torres: You're getting better at that.

Neelix: You know, Kes, I've changed my mind. It might be nice to have a kid. I wonder what our child would look like.
Kes: Yeah, I wonder.
(Awkward pause)
Kes: On second thought, no.
Neelix: Huh?
Kes: I have to go meditate with Tuvok now to purge that mental image from my psyche.

Doc: I'm sorry, but Neelix will never be able to leave this restraint.
Kes: NOOOOOOOO!
Doc: And he'll have to spend the rest of his life in Sickbay with me.
Neelix: NOOOOOOOO!

Chakotay: Here's your animal guide.
Janeway: Ooh, a lizard! I think I'll call him...Tom.
Torres: Hey, Tom's mine!
Janeway: Not for another two seasons, he's not! J/P is such a marvelous thing....
Chakotay: Hey!
Janeway: J/C is too, of course.
Torres: Ahem.
Janeway: Fine, and P/T!

Paris: Oo! I've never flown a starship into an asteroid before. It'll be fun!
Janeway: It'll be even more fun if we send Chakotay in a shuttle. BWAHAHAHAHA!
Chakotay: I don't get it.
Tuvok: (aside to Janeway) We haven't started that yet.
Janeway: Nuts. Carry on, Mr. Paris.

Doctor: I'm not exactly holding my breath waiting for the day when we'll be able to casually transmit holograms from one quadrant to another.

Paris: If you want to get it on with the Captain, you should try kidnapping her and mutating yourselves into lizards.
Chakotay: That's the dumbest idea I've ever heard...will it work?

Durst: We've just entered the nebula.
Janeway: Please don't state the obvious, it might cause me to send you on a dangerous away mission in a few episodes.
Durst: *gulp*

Tuvok: I wonder if there's any way I can get some character development out of this.
Tressa: Hi. We're three abandoned children in need of guidance and protection.
Tuvok: Excellent.

Kes: Captain, the crew behaves rudely towards the Doctor. They keep ignoring him and talking to me instead.
Janeway: That's hardly surprising. You're much cuter than he is.

Mark: You know, honey, they say a fool and her dog are soon parted.
Janeway: So what? Bye now.

Neelix: Oo! Oo! Can I come on the away mission?
Chakotay: Fine, as long as you don't foolishly run off and get attacked by mysterious aliens.

Janeway: Have some pie, you handsome devil, you.
Gath: If I didn't know better, I'd think you were tring to butter me up to get my device. Come to think of it, I don't know better.

Tuvok: I would like to gather all involved parties together for a classic detective-story denouement.

Janeway: That's it. You two are so getting killed off.
Jonas: And I am so defecting. Oops -- did I say that out loud?

Tanis: My Ocampa are better than yours.
Kes: Why?
Tanis: Um...we can make plants bloom?
Kes: Ooh, pretty!

Chakotay: Torres, do your stuff.
Janeway: Oh no you don't! Carey, supervise her "stuff". And you can all stop snickering, that's not what I mean.

Kim From Inside Coffin: (knock knock)
Alien Guy: Hang on, that sounds like Morse code... (listening) She seems to be saying... "Where... the frell... am I... get... me... out." It's a message from the next emanation!

Kim: Aaaah! Tuvok and Kes have been hurt by the alien!
Tuvok: That's what you think, Ensign-boy! MWAHAHAHAHA!

Janeway: Perhaps he left our messages in the custody of an attorney for later disclosure.
Tuvok: Romulans do not have attorneys, Captain.
Torres: And even if they did, would you trust a Romulan lawyer?

Kes: Doctor, stop being so evil! I'm going to really, really stamp my foot this time.
Doc: It's still season two -- I'm allowed to be evil. Plus I get to talk in this really deep voice that makes me sound cool and evily.

Tom: Hey, wanna be Voyager's version of Bashir and O'Brien?
Harry: Works for me.

    • Also from "Caretaker"

Tuvok: I'm Tuvok, but you can call me Spock.
Neelix: Hi, I'm Neelix. You can call me McCoy.

Carey: Not me. I'm scared of transporters.
Torres: Gee, that's original.
Carey: Well, excuuuuse me. I don't have a personality, so I'm stealing Barclay's.
Seska: Which he stole from Pulaski....
Torres: ....which she stole from McCoy.
Carey: Quit rubbing it in.

Janeway 2: Keep looking for anything unusual.
Chakotay 2: You mean like the duplicate Kes that's in Sickbay?
Janeway 2: Um... yes, like that.

Torres: I'm sure something will come up.
Paris: (over the comm) The Dreadnought's power just went up. The Dreadnought's speed just went up. The Dreadnought's finger just went up.
Torres: See?
Janeway: I don't remember the Dreadnought having a finger.

Neelix: I'm bored. Will you sing for me, Doc?
Doc: Pfft. Me? Sing? That'll be the day.

Neelix: Can we come too?
Kes: Pretty please?
Janeway: Oh, all right. Just don't let me catch you cooking.

Kim: We've found the planet, but there are no lifesigns.
Paris: Harry, it's always a cloaking device when you can't find lifesigns. You should know this already.

Janeway 2: I've got good news and bad news. We've been boarded by Vidiians.
Janeway: (over the comm) What's the good news?
Janeway 2: That was the good news -- now I've got a great excuse to blow up my ship! The bad news is I'm sending you Harry.

Kim: It's coming off those corpses over there.
Torres: Ooh! D'you think they'd mind if we went through their pockets?
Chakotay: Yes.

Ren: What's for dinner, woman?
Lidell: Leftovers.
Ren: Yay!

Janeway: Report.
Tuvok: Basically, Captain, there's coffee in that nebula.
Janeway: Hey, that's my line!

Kellan: Yeah, how many casualties did you have?
Janeway: I, um, broke a nail.
Kellan: I hate you. I hate you so much.

Janeway: Hey, a shockwave!
Tuvok: Yep. Came from that planet.
Janeway: It's still emitting harmful radiation, so let's go towards it.

Computer: The EMH is not home at the moment due to sabotagey technobabbly stuff done by Tuvok. Please leave a message after the tone. Beeeep!
Janeway: Drat. Looks like I'm gonna have to give you half of my command codes.
Tuvok: Oh goody! Um, I mean, yes, that seems logical...

Neelix: You've saved the ship, Mr. Jonas! What are you going to do now?
Jonas: I'm going to Kazon Land! No, wait....

Torres: I need advice on how to fix an inert, stone-faced automaton -- so I thought of asking you.
Doctor: How flattering.

Neelix: Hey, are you breaking the ship?
Jonas: No.
Neelix: You're the traitor, aren't you?
Jonas: No.
Neelix: I'll bet you're even the guy who wrote "Threshold."
Jonas: That's it, you're going down!

Janeway: I can't think of anything to do with Kes and Neelix, so I'm putting them on the senior staff.

Janeway: No way I'm making an alliance with the Kazon.
Tuvok: The episode title is "Alliances."
Janeway: Oh. In that case, yes.

Doctor: Let me get this straight -- you two are unknown aliens, there's an entire Maquis crew aboard, and the captain is missing? I really hate this ship.

Janeway: Okay, let's split up so we can all get humorously lost.
Staff: Right.

Chakotay: Can I tell you a touching story about how my father is dead now but this is the time when I really want to get back in touch with him and tell him how much I love him?
Sky Spirit: Um...hey, look! A hawk!
Chakotay: What? Where?

Sky Spirit: (heavy breathing) Chakotay... I am your Native American ancestor.
Chakotay: Nooooo! I mean... oops.

Tuvok: I'm having difficulty with the operating system.
Kim: We've been through the gates of Hell, and we're still troubled by Gates?

Neelix: That man is a mass murderer. He killed everyone on the moon of Rinax, including my family.
Janeway: That's... really depressing and hard to make light of.

Torres: Turns out it was just another weird lifeform trying to communicate.
Janeway: Oh no! I'm on the wrong series!
Torres: Relax, it just sounds like TNG.
Janeway: Phew. All right then. Engage! And get me some Earl Grey tea.

Paris: Well, looks like I win the betting pool again.
Kim: That's the 46th time! If it happens once more, you've gotta be cheating.

Cosimo: Good-a morning, Harry! How's-a you doing?
Kim: I'm very confused. I could have sworn I was lost in the Delta Quadrant yesterday.
Cosimo: Ahhhhh, I know just how you feel. I could have-a sworn it was just yesterday I was an average plumber. A few turtles later, here I am with my own-a diner!

Neelix's Dream: I am allegorical.
Al Gore: And I am Al Gore.
Neelix: Aahh! What a nightmare!

Kim: Thanks, but something seems a bit odd about you....
Cosimo: Who, me, the completely innocuous Cosimo? I'm just -- shoot, I'm forgetting the accent! I'm-a just an-a Italian guy, see?

Torres: The aliens are doing some technobabble stuff to hypnotize the crew. Why haven't I gone yet when everyone else down here has?
Janeway: Duh, Torres, you're one of the senior staff.

Kim: Well, according to my math, with a total of about 200 000 bodies in those asteroids and a new one appearing every two hours, you've only been getting rid of bodies in this way for the last forty-six years. Which begs the question: What did you do with them before that? Huh? Plot hole, hello!
Neria: You can't know that there are 200 000 bodies because you're not on Voyager, and even if you were, they don't know that yet either! So HA! Plot hole right back atcha!

Sky Spirit: Who has entered our sacred cave?
Chakotay: Chamunze.
Sky Spiriy: I'm sorry, what?
Chakotay: Chamunze.
Sky Spirit: Say again?
Chakotay: Chamunze.
Sky Spirit: Is that all you can say?
Chakotay: Chamunze.

Tuvok: Captain, we've encountered yet another weird anomaly...anomaly...anomaly....
Janeway: It must be affecting the comm system.
Tuvok: Nah, I just thought that would be a more dramatic way to tell you.

Janeway: What about Lieutenant Durst?
Kim: You sent him on an away mission with two regular characters and you expect him to come back?

Janeway: Chakotay, take the helm.
Kim: Angels and ministers of grace defend us.
Tuvok: Hamlet -- Act one, Scene four.
Chakotay: I heard that.

Kim: Okay, how about shrinking the ship by traversing a subspace compression phenomenon? I bet we can find one near here if we look around a bit.

Dr. Neria: Who are you?
Kim: I'm Harry, Harry Pot-- um, Kim.
Hatil: He said he saw dead people!
Neria: Are you sure your name's Harry, son? Not... Haley?
Kim: No, I'm just... just Harry.

Janeway: Where's Paris?
Kim: They made me leave without him....
Doctor: "Made"?
Tuvok: You now owe me five replicator rations, Captain.
Janeway: Damn.

Janeway: Sex was fun, Tom. Here's a commendation.
Tuvok: It seems that mating with the Captain brings rewards.
Chakotay: Hmm...that's food for thought....

Paris: Ten minutes till we hit the planet.
Janeway: Mr Paris, take us into a nose dive straight for the planet.
Paris: What's that going to do?
Janeway: If we're going down, I'm taking a part of this planet with me.

Doctor: Well, I plan to perform a complicated ritual involving the blood of a fawn, the urn of Osiris, and me throwing up a snake.
Janeway: Doctor, that would never work right.
Doctor: You're right. I'll use technobabble.

Paris: At Warp 10, I'll be everwhere in the universe at once! Even inside you, Captain!
Janeway: You? Inside me? That'll be the day.

Torres: We've constructed a schematic of the ship.
Paris: Wow, it seems to be altered...you might even say it's twisted.
Torres: Thanks, moron, nobody understood the title.

Tom: Can you help us find our friends, Mr. Old Geezer?
Caretaker: Not particularly. I need their bodily fluids to reproduce.
Tom: Whoa! More than I needed to know.

Neelix: I know these Sicarans, Captain. They're the most ridiculously generous race in the sector. They also have a dark, dark secret.
Janeway: We've found the perfect planet!

Sulan: Hey B'Elanna, I'm reading this "Klingon Romance for Dummies" book so I can score with you.
Klingon Torres: Let me out of here, you filthy p'taK!
Sulan: Let's see...(flip flip flip)...ah! You're flirting with me! Excellent.

Paris: Whoa! Two B'Elannas for the price of one! P/T/T...Now that's what I call a 'ship!
Human Torres: Dream on, you pervert.
Paris: Thanks, I will. And how!

Chakotay: Nooooo! I must! Resist! Temptation! And also stop talking like Captain Kirk.

Janeway: Rust?
Paris: No, I'm in no particular hurry.
Kim: Picking up traces of acethylene, benzene.... either it's gasoline, or Neelix just threw the leftovers out.
Janeway: Magnify. Oh, Ford a love of God!

Earhart: How fast can she go?
Paris: Warp 9.9. We'll need it to travel 70,000 lightyears.
Earhart: In that case, you'll need some three years to get back.
Paris: Says who?
Earhart: Says Jim Wright.

Ensign Wildman: Permission to bring aboard a recurring character, Captain.
Janeway: Granted, on the condition that she be born during a shipwide crisis. Let's see...we left DS9 last season, so she should arrive...three months ago?
Wildman: Yeah, I know. Don't bother trying to figure it out.

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