Arson, Murder, and Jaywalking/Video Games

• A commercial for Super Mario Kart, emphasizing the combat aspects of the racing game, features an irate traffic cop who has apparently pulled over one of the racers. The list of offenses runs thus: "Let's see... you were doing 140 in a 35 zone... sideswiped three cars... I believe this bumper belongs to you... destruction... carnage... oh, and you didn't use your turn signal, son. I'm gonna have to write you up for that last one." This was also used in a commercial for Stunt Racer FX (so called because it used the FX chip) in for the SNES in the early '90s.
• The reaper in RuneScape is known by three names: Death, Destroyer of Life, and Nigel.
• Pandemonium in Kingdom of Loathing has "high rates of murder, armed robbery, and jaywalking".
  • Quoth the first Kingdom of Loathing Choose Your Own Adventure parody Jick wrote for Comicon: "just as it looks like the poor kid is going to lose the race, his opponent suddenly catches on fire, turns into a frog, gets scurvy, then trips and falls."
• Thief: Garrett's rap sheet in Paveslock Prison. It's five times the length of anyone else's, includes "breaking and entering, burglary, trespassing, possession of stolen property, resisting arrest, assault of a City Watch officer, assault of another City Watch officer," and goes on like that for some time before concluding with "verbal assault of an officer".
• In the opening cinematic for Bully, Jimmy describes the alumni of Bullworth Academy as "nothing but arms dealers, mass murderers, and corporate lawyers." Of course, some people would argue lawyers are worse than the first two...
• Portal offers us this little quote...

GLaDOS: "I'm going to kill you. And all the cake is gone."

• In DragonAgeOrigins: Awakening, this conversation between Nathaniel and Velanna.

Nathaniel: "How do you feel about having killed all those people because of a miscommunication?"
Velanna: "Warm and fuzzy."
Nathaniel: "You are a terrible, terrible person. And your ears are clownish."

• House of the Dead's latest installment, OVERKILL, gives us this (slightly but intentionally Narm-ish) line at the end of the game as Agent G lists off what the Big Bad has accomplished.

G: "You've broken a hundred laws, caused the deaths of countless thousands, endangered the safety of every man, woman, and child on this planet, and you put our friend's brain in a JAR!"

• In Phoenix Wright: Ace Attorney: Justice For All, unlucky cop Maggey Byrde explains that her life has been a constant string of disasters, giving examples of falling from a nine-story building at six months old, constantly getting sick from various foods, being hit by all manner of vehicles, failing nearly every test she's ever attempted, and never winning or even tying at a game of tic-tac-toe.
• In the newer Sam and Max games, the front of Bosco's store mentions that he sells things such as "guns, meat, beer, and candy."
  • Blame society for this uncertainty, but...which of those is the jaywalking one, exactly?
  • The intro to Abe Lincoln Must Die (Season 1, Episode 4). The hypnotized President is passing even more silly laws than usual, which Max doesn't seem to mind. Until.

Sam: And he's introducing mandatory gun registration!!
Max: *Revealing his gun* Get the keys.

• In Rayman 2, the Grolgoth can "kill, crush, torture, destroy, pull ears ..."
• In Saints Row 2, the activity FUZZ lets you take the role of a police officer. To arrest (actually beating down) offenders of, lets just say, at the first level, purse snatcher, drunk, and a litterer.
  • Near the beginning of the game, Johnny Gat is in court for "387 counts of murder, and one count of attempted murder".
    • Jane Valderama's news story on Gat doesn't count, I think. She listed the one count of attempted murder first, then mentions the 387 first-degree murders, calling the number "staggering".
• In one of the levels in Scribblenauts, you must find a way to take to heaven three people at the gates of hell. The people in question are a prisoner, a bully and a lawyer.
• In James Bond: Agent Under Fire R is listing off all the (impressive) combat improvements to the BMW at the end of the second level, and finishes with, "And of course... A refrigerated beverage holder."
• In Tales of Vesperia, Karol asks Yuri why the knights are after him. "Murder? Arson? Kidnapping? Fraud?"(something like that) "Uhm, it's really just for jailbreak..."
• Inverted in the NES game Freedom Force (not to be confused with the Irrational Games title of the same name), the Elite Assassins have jaywalking, forging passports, and storming embassies on listed on their rap sheet in that order, all in the name of getting on TV news.
• In Ratchet and Clank Up Your Arsenal, one of the PA announcements in Nefarious's weapons factory on planet Daxx begins with "Are you looking for an exciting career in building security, execution, or VCR repair?"
  • A PA announcement at Zeldrin Starport says "Welcome to Zeldrin Starport. Due to increased security, thermonuclear warheads and nail clippers are no longer permitted as carry-on baggage." This is a spoof of a real life case where a woman had the file on her nail clippers broken off by overzealous airport security.
• In Fable and Fable II, after you commit crimes in a town, a guard will run up to you and charge you with a list of all of them, offering you options of how to respond to the charges (pay a fine, run away, etc). In many cases, you've just finished rampaging through a town destroying everything and every one in your path, and then a guard charges you with 30+ counts of murder and one count of vandalism from that door you kicked down.
  • It's even worse in the first game during the tutorial, if you gave the teddy bear to the bully you are damn sure going to hear about it from the guard.
• Batman: Arkham Asylum:

The Joker: Tell me, Bats, what are you really scared of? Failing to save this cesspool of a city? Not finding the Commissioner in time? Me... IN A THONG!!??

• The priest in Warcraft III says this warning about magic: "Side effects may include dry mouth, nausea, vomiting, water retention, painful rectal itch, hallucination, dementia, psychosis, coma, death, and halitosis. Magic is not for everyone. Consult your doctor before use."
• An engineering quest in World of Warcraft involves repairing a fel reaver. The Engineering trainer remarks, "Do you realize what we could do with something like this? Our own personal fel reaver?! We could lay waste to our enemies! We could advance our knowledge of science and technology! We could make it serve us drinks!" (Ironically, once you complete it, it can indeed serve drinks.)
• The first Disgaea gave us this little bit of gold, when describing the "ultimate Zombie":

Aramis: "The fists of a Dark Karate master... The legs of the fastest demon in the Netherworld... The brain of Mahogany, a famous sorcerer... The iron body of Hercules... And a horse wiener!''"

• • Naturally, Laharl's reaction to all of them is smug disdain, except for the last, which worries him. Even the flavor text of the item once you steal it reflects this.
• In Touhou Project: Imperishable Night, Marisa says a line like this to Reimu in the Magic Team's playthrough.

Marisa: "You're right. The endless night, stealing the full moon, hiding the human village, and putting hats on stone statues, it's all Alice's fault. Now bitch, get out of the way!"

• Liberal Crime Squad often has rap sheets that read like this:

The defendant, Akira Copeland, is charged with treason, 4 counts of aiding a prison escape, 427 counts of felony assault, 560 counts of murder, 2 counts of arson, 2 counts of credit card fraud, 67 counts of breaking and entering, 13 counts of vandalism, resisting arrest and disturbing the peace.

• On the Kingdom Hearts wikia, one of Ansem the Wise's abilities is being a "technical genius". It also notes that he has a high-tech lab in Twilight Town, complete with "computer screens, suspended animation rods, and flashing lights."
• In this review of the "Chintendo" KenSingTon Vii, Dr. Ashens makes some positive notes in its attractive packaging and that a few of the packaged games are actually worth playing. He detracts the substandard build quality, most of the games being unplayable and that it cost him a small fortune, but what pushed him to score it 0/10 is that they forgot to package a handstrap for the remote.
• The Announcer from Team Fortress 2 is NOT pleased with your performance. "All you ever do is disappoint and betray me! Cheating! Stealing! Friend-making!"
• The Gray Fox is wanted for theft, embezzlement, forgery, pickpocketing, counterfeiting, burglary, conspiracy to commit theft, grand larceny, tax evasion, slander, fraud, perfidy and, of course, impertinence.
• Mass Effect 2 has a hilarious subversion. "Theft of a military vehicle, destruction of a space station, piracy, and vandalism." Turns out the vandalism was crashing a space station into a moon and making a crater. The Hanar really liked that moon.
  • Considering it's implied to have been an inhabited space station, the jaywalking was probably the worst offence in the list.
• In Endless Frontier, Kaguya apologizes to Cardia on behalf of the party fighting through the starting dungeon and "destroying a few machines... And robots... And I didn't make the bed when I left."
• In Disney's stunt-pilot flight sim Stunt Island, if you crashed, you'd wake up in the hospital where the doctor would read off a random list of injuries, always ending with something trivial. Example: "You have a broken leg, a concussion, eight broken ribs, and bad breath. We'll have you patched up and flying again... tomorrow."
• A character from the Math Blaster universe is wanted for "grand larceny and non-payment of electric bill."
• In Guild Wars, when the Asura golemancer Zinn is put on trial, the charges against him are given as " 1. Mathematical turpitude. 2. Gross flummoxery in the first degree. 3. Reckless instigation of mayhem WITHOUT a permit. 4. An overdue library tome".
  • Winds of Change has a Stone Summit Dwarf who declares the players "killed our leader, slaughtered hundreds of my kin, disrupted our mining facility, and TRESPASSED ON OUR LAND!"
• In Alpha Protocol, when warned what can happen if he gets caught, Thorton replies, "I know. Execution; imprisonment; possibly another lecture from Westbridge ..."
• In Drill Dozer, Jill gets arrested for theft, vandalism, avoiding the police and skipping out on 17 checks.
  • To be honest, she didn't do that because she wanted to (except for the last part), it's because she wanted to get her prized possesion back and get the other diamonds to prevent the Skullkers from gaining ultimate power.
• In Suikoden II, Viktor delivers one as his last taunt for Neclord.

Viktor: "Heh, I'll make sure you never make that stupid grin again! I'll chop you up! Grind you up! Cut you into pieces! Dry you on the sun! Bury you to the ground! Piss on you! Then I'll dig you up! Pull you! Stretch you! Drag you around! And then... and then... in any case, I'll never forgive you!!"

• In Sakura Wars 5: "All right you! You're under arrest for bank robbery and blind stupidity."
• In King's Quest II+, Ma Pumpkin's description of Hagatha combines this with Bread, Eggs, Milk, Squick: "You know her type... green warts, pointed ears, cannibalistic, doesn't put her trash out."
• The Diddy Kong Racing promotional video starts out with one of these: "First on the scene! First with the news! Last in the journalist's invitational softball tournament! This is Hot Topic!
• The Conduit 2's Wikipedia page describes some stages you fight on, it reads:
  "The game is set to take place in a wide variety of areas. What has been shown so far is a Trust owned oil rig, Atlantis, the Lost City of Z, Washington D.C, Siberia, China and England. In the previous game, D.C was war torn, but it will have even more damage inflicted on it now. However, in an interview at E3 it was stated that Ford will be able to go to China."
  • SO D.C. is pretty much destroyed, and in this game, it will be destroyed even more, but Ford can go to China. Hoo-rah.
• It happens backstage too. After a recent load test on the Openlife Virtual World the staff reported that the script engine had problems with facelights, shoes, and "horse parts." (While the first two are quite popular with many players, there is only one equine avatar on the grid.)
• According to the Soviet propaganda in Freedom Fighters, "Last three American presidents were corrupt, involved in assassination of foreign contries leaders, and cheated on their wives."
• A wanted list in Monkey Island 2 Le Chucks Revenge starts off by listing Guybrush Threepwood for murder and some various petty crimes. As you progress through the game, the list becomes more and more ridiculous, including cheating at a spitting contest, vandalizing a public library's lighthouse model, and stealing a pet rat.
  • Also, in

LeChuck: Burn down every island in the Caribbean if you have to, but bring me my bride! And more slaw! Curse the villains, they never give ya enough slaw with these value meals...

• Radio Shack once published a variant of Master Mind for the TRS-80 named Quick, Watson!. In this game, you have to determine which of 4 criminals committed each of 4 crimes: assault, felony theft, arson, and parking in front of a fire hydrant.
• In Spy Fox 2: Some Assembly Required, the "evil nemesis" of SpyCorps is S.M.E.L.L.Y, the Society for Meaningless Evil, Larceny, Lying, and Yelling.
• Final Fantasy VIII Right before the Battle of the Gardens, the player is given the choice of various orders to have Squall give to Balamb Garden. The choices involve their battle strategy, but one involves what to do with the hot dogs. (You're called out if you go overboard with the orders, though.)
• Deus Ex Invisible War plays with this, with a request for an inventory of Servo nets, energy clips, rotator bearings and coffee from the weapons department.
• In EarthBound, after defeating the gang plaguing the first town, the mayor thanks you and summarises your conquests thusly: "You beat up the town bullies! Punched them out big time, kicked their butts, bit their heads off, spit in their eyes, and made them wet their pants! Then you made them promise not to make anymore trouble in town!"
• Almost literal examples in L.A. Noire. When Cole arrests people, he lists off their crimes and doesn't always do so in ascending order of seriousness.

Cole: "You are under arrest for narcotics trafficking, attempted murder, reckless endangerment, and destruction of LAPD property!"

• In Deus Ex Human Revolution, on the second visit to Hengsha, Adam has to enter the Harvesters' base. If he does so, kills a lot of Harvesters to get to Tong, and made friends with Tong on his first visit, Tong will have this to say:

"I am disappointed in you, Mr. Jensen. I thought we were friends. My hacker goes missing. You break into my place of business. Half my men end up dead. And you don't even knock when entering a room."

• • Also one of Pritchard's mails on security for employees: DON'T give your friends your access cards, DON'T meet your friends and family in your workplace and most importantly, DON'T Play shareware games during lunch hour
  • Not so unreasonable, considering how a company that makes electronic prosthetics for the military would be worried about spyware getting on the network.
• Neverwinter Nights: Hordes of the Underdark, in one of the lines where Deekin is writing his book: "And the mighty hero crept into the mage's tower, ready for anything! Magic, demons, mazes, vicious bread puddings... well, okay, maybe not bread puddings..."
• The chat rules for The Godfather: Five Families are "No profanity, personal attacks, hate speech, spam or links"
• In The Elder Scrolls IV: Oblivion, a wanted poster for the Grey Fox charges him with "theft, embezzlement, forgery, pickpocketing, counterfeiting, burglary, conspiracy to commit theft, grand larceny, tax evasion, slander, fraud, perfidy and impertinence."
  • In Skyrim, you meet an Orc Bandit named Borkul the Beast in the Cidhna Mines prison.

Player: "So what are you in for?"
Borkul: "Murder, Banditry, Assault, Theft... and lollygagging."

• • When all those city guards warn you against lollygagging, they mean it.
• Bethesda really likes this one. In Fallout 3, if you ask Moira Brown what sort of work is involved in helping her with her Wasteland Survival Guide, she replies "Let's see... dealing with radiation, testing an experimental device, and I won't lie to you, it may involve some reading. That sort of stuff."
  • YMMV but there may be some Fridge Brilliance here: there aren't many books left after the war so its possible that a lot of wastelanders don't bother learning to read.
  • And almost literally in the Backstory for the earlier games. You see, before the War, Congress was frustrated to discover that the President unilaterally annexing Canada didn't technically violate any laws. Jaywalking did.
    • May also be a Genius Bonus -- our history's America didn't even recognize, much less patch that loophole until after Korea and Vietnam, overriding a Presidential veto in the process. As long as America didn't actually declare war, the President could (theoretically) send the military where he wished for as long as he wished as Commander in Chief, and Congress would be left either footing the bill or being accused of leaving American solders out to rot.
• In The World Ends With You, Reaper Sport 1 is Russian Roulette. Reaper Sport 2 is Hide-and-Seek, though number 1 comes from a guy who got the others wrong. Then again, Reaper Sport 3 is a Player Hunt, while Reaper Sport 4 is Tag. So he may not be far off.
• Inverted in Sonic Colors, when Dr. Eggman gives his copyright notice, he provides these rules:

Dr. Eggman: All unauthorized photography, video reproduction, or shutting down of generators is strictly prohibited. Thank you.

• Inverted in Knights Of the Old Republic II with HK-47's complaints about the HK-51, complaining they are cheap knock offs that butcher his original design, when the player can point out that they look very similar to him. Something that he rages less about is the fact a bunch of assassin droids running around looking like him will make it harder for him to work as assassin since people will know what he looks like, a much more logical reason for hating them.
• At the end of one of the last maps of Dungeon Keeper, your mentor mentions how vampires have sucked the life out of everyone in the land, poisoned the wells, and 'smeared dung all on all the door handles as a joke'.
• In Age of Empires Online, the port master tells a tale of how bandits ransacked his home, murdered his wife, set fire to his fishing nets, stole his harpoons, boiled his cat, drank his grog and sat in his favorite chair. Oh, and they also kidnapped his children, which he wants you to rescue.
• The second cinematic in Epic Mickey shows Mickey strapped to an operating table, with the Mad Doctor controlling a device that has shears, a corkscrew/drill hybrid, a chainsaw, and a toilet plunger. Then it turns out it's supposed to remove Mickey's heart and suddenly gets more scary.
• In Super Mario Galaxy 2 when Bowser is defeated for the final time, he remarks "My powers...gone... My empire...shrinking.... My huge cake...never got a slice...".
• In My Little Investigations, when the Cutie Mark Crusaders tried to get their cutie marks in interpretive dance, they set a tiger loose, Rarity's mane was on fire, and Opalescence was stuck in a tree.