< "The Reason You Suck" Speech

"The Reason You Suck" Speech/Web Comics

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  • The Hero of RPG World gives one to the King of Langoria and eventually gets him run out of town.
  • Bun-bun in Sluggy Freelance gives a couple of these over the years.
    • In "Oceans Unmoving", while defeating Calix in a duel as he speaks, Bun-bun tells him that his plan to free his people and let them take over one of the high-tech pirate ships failed because it sucked; because they're too high-tech for untrained people to operate; and that he thus doomed his own people to be killed or taken by the attacking Admiral Jacobs. Actually Calix is lucky that Bun-bun finds amusement in breaking his spirit, because otherwise he certainly couldn't have survived after antagonising Bun-bun.
    • In "bROKEN", after dueling Oasis on equal terms but knowing it would be useless to kill her, Bun-bun tricks and traps her in a place where she can't escape. Then, with unusual Genre Blindness, he starts telling her how stupid she was to let herself be manipulated there, and goes on to torture her with verbal images of her supposed beloved getting cuddly with someone else. This backfires nastily.
    • The zombie Jane also gives Gwynn one while she has her chained down and is about to eat her brain. If possible, it ends up even worse than with Bun-bun and Oasis.

Jane: "The next time I ask you a question, how about you answer it straight away instead of going on and on about your friends and your book and your "magic?" I know real magic, Gwynn! Little tip? You have to have some spirituality or even a little depth for true magic, and you're as empty on both as your skull's about to be! Before you go, for the record? I ate your monkeys. Aw, I bet you wish you could smack me with your widdle magic now!
Gwynn: (Looks up, Glowing Eyes of Doom)
Jane: (Oh Crap)

"Lemme spell it out for ya, Punkin. You're not a big-shot anymore. You're a joke and everybody knows it. All those actors and politicians and other big-shots you hung out with? You're not one of them. They don't even like you -- they never did. The only reason they let you hang out with them... is because they thought your crappy propaganda films would torpedo the president's re-election, and when that didn't pan out, they wiped you off their shoes. You're a nasty little man who made his name pandering to the frat-house socialists and gutter-Parisians with libelous drivel that any twelve-year-old with access to Google could refute in thirty minutes' time. You're an embarrassment and a liability now, and they've ghettoed you out to the D-List crowd. So give it up, Mikey-Baby, 'cause no matter how many "Documentaries" you make... you're still just the fat, homely, unpopular little toady that the cool kids all laugh at when he's not around."

    • She then goes on to state that she feels like she "stole the pudding cup from a retarded kid's lunch".
  • In Order of the Stick, Xykon pauses his duel with Roy to ask him if he'd like to postpone the battle so that he (Roy) can go off and train and take a few levels so that he'll be a more worthy opponent.
    • And he was being completely sincere as well. As he says, "Great heroes make great villains."
    • Later, Xykon gives a nasty one to Vaarsuvius, lecturing on what it means to have actual power. Rather than break V's spirit, this exact speech was exactly what V needed to hear to figure out how to destroy Xykon. V then proceeds to completely humiliate Xykon with a 1st level wizard class feature and a 3rd level spell, and the help of a paladin. All because Xykon woke V up to the fact that power isn't just high-level spells, but instead is whatever will accomplish your current goal.

Xykon: I now have every confidence that you will act to serve my interests from now on, even when I'm not really around to supervise you. I know that you'll protect my phylactery if my body is destroyed.
Redcloak: You don't know that... I could wait until someone defeated you, and then--
Xykon: And then face the realization that if you destroy my phylactery, you killed Right-Eye over nothing. Nothing at all. And you don't have the balls for that.
Redcloak: I--I can raise him from the dead! I'm a Cleric, I just have to--
Xykon: Ah, but he'll know. He'll remember that you killed him to protect me, and he'll know you for what you are: My willing slave. And man, you REALLY don't have the balls for that.
Redcloak: What have I done?
Xykon: So therefore, you're just going to continue following me and doing whatever I order you to do. Because as long as you're loyal to me, I'll let you pretend this never happened. We'll just go about our daily business, and you can hide from the horrifying truth of what you've become -- namely, a murderer who just killed his own baby brother in cold blood. And hey, we can both pretend that you don't really have any options about any of the despicable actions I ask you to take from here on out -- rather than acknowledging that, like Right-Eye, you do in fact have a choice. But unlike Right-Eye there, you're too chickenshit to ever make it. You'll obey me forever now, because I give you an excuse for your inexcusable behaviour. Now, are you going to stand there and tell me that I'm wrong?... Didn't think so. As a reward for your honesty there, I'll let you in on a little evil secret. What I said up there to Dorukan about overwhelming force? That's only part of Colonel Xykon's secret recipe for winning. It's not just about raw power, it's also about how far you're willing to debase yourself before feeling bad. And me? I ripped off my own living flesh so that I wouldn't have to admit weakness. You're strictly little league compared to that. That right there? That's the difference between bonafide true Evil with a capital "E" and your whiny "evil, but for a good cause," crap. One gets to be the butch, and one gets to be the bitch -- Bitch.

Roy: You're not Good, at least not any definition of Good that I would want to follow. You follow the letter of the alignment description while ignoring its intent. Sure, you fight Evil, but when was the last time you showed a "concern for the dignity of sentient beings"? You're just a mean, socially inept bully who hides behind a badge and her holier-than-thou morality as excuses to treat other people like crap.

    • Redcloak gives one to Miko, combining it with Not So Different. However, not only is Miko unimpressed, but Redcloak being quite hypocritical. Not only did Redcloak make Xykon the unholy abomination against life that he is, but Redcloak would be dead without divine intervention making his life unnaturally long and immune to disease
    • Redcloak gets one from Right-Eye in Start of Darkness:

Redcloak: Look, I've spent my entire life...
Right-Eye: Your life? Your LIFE?? Brother, you may have had a lifetime but you haven't had a life since the day you put on that cloak. Life is about growing--growing older, growing wiser, growing closer to your loved ones. But you, you're frozen in time. You're the same angry kid who took that artifact off of yours master's corpse that day.

    • The bureaucratic Deva who processes Roy's first death has a good one against Roy's dad. Short version: Eugene abandoned a Blood Oath and died of old age; Roy got killed trying to fulfill the same Blood Oath which he had no particular reason to give a shit about besides his dad telling him that until Xykon gets killed, the Greenhilt family as a whole doesn't get to go to heaven. So Roy gets to go to heaven while Eugene doesn't because Roy is, in no uncertain terms, better than him.
    • Redcloak delivers a downright nasty one to Tsukiko right before ordering her wights to kill her.
  • Quite a few good ones in Megatokyo. Among them are Piro telling off Miho for screwing with a drunken and upset Largo, Kimiko screaming at Ed for his outrageous behavior (very welcome, as he spends most of the time as a Smug Snake before the lecture), and Largo drunkenly ordering Piro not to be a "losher" with Kimiko.
  • Although almost entirely offscreen, Sniper wolf's speech in The Last Days of Foxhound deserves a mention because it is such a literal example.

Sniper wolf (to Ocelot): ... and zat's ze sixty-seventh reason you suck.

  • One of the Dragon Doctors usually gives one to the villain of the arc. I.e., Mori to Udo in chapter 9, and Sarin to Elizabeth in chapter 10.
  • Karkat may be a violent, bitter Jerkass, but even he is disgusted with Vriska's Chronic Backstabbing Disorder, and calls her out for it here.
    • Doc Scratch gives her another one later on in the series.
    • Karkat later gives another one to Eridan, or rather, his past self, after he kills Feferi and Kanaya. Of course, since the Eridan he's talking to is weeks in the past, he not only has no clue what Karkat's talking about, but also thinks Karkat is hitting on him.
  • Spinnerette gives us a short, scientific one:

Spinnerette: If you'd studied spider biology a bit more, you'd know they get their strength from hydraulic muscles! The downside of this is that a spider doesn't have the dexterity to scratch its own back!

  • Girls with Slingshots delivers one to the antagonistic Candy the Carnivore about her hatred for Maureen, especially after the latter marries Jameson. Hilariously, this is delivered by Clarice the dominatrix.
    • She blows it off on the basis that "I'm Jameson's friend, not yours", so Jameson gives her one too. This one hits a little harder because up until now she's been deluding herself into think that her vitriolic pranks were harmless japes that Maureen is just too sensitive to appreciate, and then finally she pushes Jameson to the breaking point and he tells her in no uncertain terms that she's not his friend, and in fact she's more like the exact opposite of a friend, and he's beginning to have honest doubts that she ever was what one would qualify as a "friend".
  • In the Jack Chick tract Four Angels, Henry gives a surprisingly vicious one to his older brother Charlie (especially considering that most of Chick's Christians are polite and docile almost to a fault), suggesting that his adultery means that he is beyond redemption, and that he's a false Christian and enemy of God.
  • In General Protection Fault, Ki goes to speak with Patty on Dexter's behalf, as he had been seeking to reconcile with her after the Bog of Bloodbath incident (which Ki acknowledges was a mistake on his part). When Patty proves unwilling to bend, Ki responds by telling her that her negative and caustic personality is driving people away from her, and Dexter shouldn't bother with her.
    • Nick to his counterpart after Nega-Nick laughs at Ki's love for Nick.

Nick: What I see in her, Emperor, is a noble heart, a fiery spirit, and a love deeper than I could hope to imagine. All things you could never understand. All you know is deceit and treachery, how to use others and throw away what remains. I've been used before, and it sickens to see that trait in myself... in you, the mirror of what I could become. But it also reminds me that our choices are not absolute. People can change. Choices can change. So I'm giving you a choice. End this now. Let me and my friends go.

    • Trudy gets several back-to-back ones in a dream from Ki, Fooker, Dr. Nefarious, Todd, Chuck and her future self, telling her that she has betrayed everyone close to her and the consequences of her actions will catch up with her.
  • In Ow, My Sanity, David gives one of these to Colette Pickman and by extension the entire Tsundere character type. He very calmly explains how her sudden reversal of interest tells him that she's either unstable or dishonest, and either way he's not interested.
  • Las Lindas has Tiare finally deliver a much needed T.R.Y.S.S to Creator's Pet Miles on page 273.
  • This Sinfest strip.
  • Original Life had Janie, Fisk's daughter, giving one to the Justice Defender during the Muffin Arc.

Justice Defender: Don't you know why those muffins are bad?
Janie: We're not hurting anyone! We're not picking up fights! We're not working up mobs! We just like these! We like what Jeffery does and you’re NOT going to be able to stop us from supporting him! EVER! If you don’t like it, you need to really think about why, and get over it! The only people who consider you a hero are the people who can use you. Use you to fight their personal battles, and settle their petty grudges. Even a goon gets paid. You’re more like a slave.

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