Sexual intercourse
Sexual intercourse is a polite term for fu*king.[note 1] Though it does feel reallllllllyyy good, its primary function, in a biological and evolutionary sense, is to make babies. In heterosexual intercourse, the sperm from the penis enters the vagina if protection isn't used, which could lead to a pregnancy if the sperm reaches the woman's egg in the uterus fallopian tubes.[note 2] Homosexual intercourse does not have such messy outcomes, although you run the risk of being shouted at by homophobes.
| We're so glad you came Sexuality |
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| Reach around the subject |
 v - t - e |
| —The Bad Touch by Bloodhound Gang |
Sex and conservatives
“”i will never have, never have thought of, and never will think about, engaging in "Raw Dog" intercourse wih my wife |
| —wint[2] |
Although every human who has ever lived prior to the modern development of artificial insemination techniques was conceived by this process,[note 3] sex is often seen as dirty, bad or sinful, and is often censored and information on it restricted, resulting in social awkwardness whenever it comes to mentioning it or teaching about it for the first time. But despite all this most Americans do the dirty deed before getting married and this has been true since at least the 1940's.[3]
Sex leads to many things that ultra-conservatives despise, such as pregnancy outside of wedlock, birth control, abortion, serial monogamy or promiscuity, sexually transmitted diseases, science (particularly evolutionary biology) to develop vaccinations (such as the HPV vaccine), sex education, health insurance for the masses to cover those cases where a disease has no cure or treatment, and fun. Because ultra-conservatives dislike all of these things, it is highly recommended that they abstain from all forms of sex and reproduction. Therefore, fundies only find out if they are sexually incompatible after getting hitched - then they have to live unhappily together, or divorce (which the Bible says is naughty and forbids them from doing - except for cases of sexual impropriety, which is more likely to happen because of their incompatibility). Advocates against abstinence until marriage often compare the practice to buying a car without a test drive.
It should be noted that both recent and longstanding studies have shown that (as the saying goes) "people are alike all over". A person's political or religious views usually tend to have very little impact on whether they practice what is seen by social conservatives as "negative" sexual activities, including homosexuality, a high lifetime number of partners, promiscuity, and premarital sex. In fact, some studies have shown that the social conservatives engage in them more -- certainly anyone who's ever watched Sexcetera will have the opinion that the kinkiest bastards are all in red states.
As can be seen by illogical conservative support of abstinence-only sexual education, conservatives fear their children might learn about penises and vaginas. Fortunately for conservatives, America has one of the developed world's highest teen pregnancy rate[4] which proves that America's children know very little about human anatomy and birth control, proving that abstinence-only sexual education is working. Not coincidentally, the rates of this are highest in red states of the Deep South.
Sex and Middle America
Originally named Cross Keys, a village in Pennsylvania popular with the Amish was renamed "Intercourse" in 1814. In early 19th century usage, "intercourse" referred to nonsexual social interaction.[5] Another possible explanation is that the village may originally have been called "Entercourse", to refer to a nearby racecourse.[6] It should be noted that Intercourse is not far from the village of Blue Balls, Pennsylvania, which may be a commentary on the sense of humor of Pennsylvania Dutch settlers.
Sex and Christmas
A lot of Americans do it over the Christmas holiday; people tend to like it just then, which could be a seasonal effect or due to the warm fuzzy holiday feeling.[7] Serious scientific research is possible here. Comparing birth statistics and figures for condom sales[note 4] in the Northern hemisphere (e.g. USA, Canada, UK) with similar statistics for countries with similar cultures in the Southern hemisphere (e.g. Australia, New Zealand) could indicate which factor is more important.
Oral sex
Oral sex is the act of applying one's tongue and lips to the genitalia of another. There are several recognized forms:
- Fellatio – mouth-to-penis
- Cunnilingus – mouth-to-vulva
- Anilingus – mouth-to-anus (not too sanitary)
Many people – perhaps most – consider oral sex to be a form of foreplay. Some, however, see it as unusually intimate and/or obscene (not to mention gross and unhygienic). Those people have never heard this joke before:
A Southern girl comes back from her first year in college up in the Northeast. Her friends are anxious to hear if the Big City is the den of iniquity they've been raised to hear it is, and she says, "Well, let me tell you. It was shocking. They get these big snowstorms up there all the time, and it gets really cold and windy and you can't even see across the street, and they call that a blizzard."
"Wow", her friends say. "What about the food?"
"Well, at the beginning of the year some friends of mine took me to the beach and we had a big meal of lobster and clams and corn that they just dug out of a pit in the sand. They call that a clambake."
Her friends are quite impressed, and decide to ask her if the men are anything like they are here at home.
"Well, I'll tell you. There are some men who like nothing better than to get an innocent, unmarried Christian girl's clothes off and her legs spread wide, and to lick her down there."
Her friends, being good Christian girls with an abstinence-only education, are shocked at this, and ask, "What do you call them?"
"Well, after the first time I called him 'Precious'..."
People, please keep that in mind. That goes for guys and girls.
Notes
- oops, were we supposed to censor that word more?
- The fertilization occurs in the tubes. For pregnancy to happen, the egg needs to be fertilized during this narrow window when it's in the tube (the first half). The zygote then travels to be implanted in the upper third part of the uterus. If for some reason the egg doesn't travel down and gets implanted in the tube's wall, it is called Ectopic pregnancy, which is a serious and life-threatening condition that is probably still not a good enough reason to justify abortion to some people...
- With the possible exception of a few individuals held by various religions to have been born from a virgin.
- To be fair, the condoms you bought in large quantities during December can probably last till Valentine's Day.
References
- https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xat1GVnl8-k
- https://twitter.com/dril/status/905215959224504320
- Jayson, Sharon (19 December 2006). "Most Americans have had premarital sex, study finds". USA Today. Retrieved 9 March 2014.
- http://www.hhs.gov/ash/oah/adolescent-health-topics/reproductive-health/teen-pregnancy/trends.html
- http://www.800padutch.com/intercourse.shtml
- The Village of Intercourse
- It's High Time for Conception: Studies Show Peak Times, Weather for Sex
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