Neurolink

Neurolink is a little known form of medical woo, founded by Dr. Allan Phillips in New Zealand.[1] The basic theory is that, by tapping on your head while holding something that is sore and interacting with it in various ways, you can trigger parts of your brain and tell them to make it better.[2] In reality, it is only about as effective as a placebo, with the bonus effect of having strangers touch you a lot. At the very least, they also half-heartedly suggest to use this "in addition" to things that might actually help you (They're more than happy to be an extra strain on your wallet, though!), but say that Neurolink is the only way "optimum sustainability" can be achieved.[3] If you're intrigued by this magical cure-all, you can learn how it all works and magically cure mental disabilities[4] that "normal science" (as always) is unable, for a presumably low unstated fee. Regular 'check-ups' (emphasis theirs) are encouraged, and it is important to make sure you continue to operate at maximum potential at all times[5]

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How it works

Neurolink is purportedly based on quantum physics, which is apparently the idea that you can tell the brain to fix every problem the human body has, from diseases like cancer, to mental disabilities like Asperger's and ADHD.[6] Their own site lists a bunch of technobabble to somehow explain this, in a way that would make Dr. Daniel Jackson of Stargate Command blush. Curiously, there are no links to anything backing up their claims, but there is a lot of bold text, and when there's bold text afoot, you know they're super serious and one hundred percent accurate. They even claim to be able to cure animals, and say that the same methods they use on humans can be easily remodeled to work on them[7], which is incredibly scientific, as one "Thunder the Dog" is eager to testify.[8]

gollark: That would be very easy with the browser console.
gollark: Interesting idea.
gollark: Also, anyone got new achievement ideas?
gollark: No.
gollark: Play now at https://osmarks.tk/points.

See also

References
  1. http://www.naturalhealthclinicni.com/-what-is-neurolink.html
  2. http://www.neurolinkglobal.com/How-Does-NIS-Work_59.aspx
  3. http://www.neurolinkglobal.com/Practitioners_11.aspx
  4. http://www.neurolinkglobal.com/Learn_480.aspx
  5. http://www.neurolinkglobal.com/Patients_10.aspx
  6. http://www.neurolinkglobal.com/Science_148.aspx
  7. http://www.neurolinkglobal.com/NIS--Animals_336.aspx
  8. http://www.neurolinkglobal.com/RLThunder_287.aspx
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