Torchwood/Quotes

Before we go any further, who the hell orders pizza under the name of "Torchwood"?

—Jack Harkness, "Everything Changes"

You people and your quaint little categories.

—Jack Harkness, "Day One"

Owen: If it's someone we've pissed off that narrows it down to 4 or 5 million.

Jack: And that's just the humans.

—"They Keep Killing Suzie"

Why is it that only Gwen seems to have a heart? I don't know if you've noticed but the rest of us are human and amazingly we still manage to get on with our jobs.

—Owen Harper, "Random Shoes"

Gwen: Excuse me... Have you seen a blowfish driving a sportscar?

Old lady: (points in direction of blowfish alien) Bloody Torchwood...

—"Kiss Kiss, Bang Bang"

Jack: So, how was rehab?
John: Rehabs. Plural.
Jack: Drink, drugs, sex and...?
John: Murder.
Jack: (cracking up) You went to murder rehab?
John: I know, ridiculous. The odd kill! Who does it hurt?
Jack: You clean now?

John: Yeah, kicked everything. Living like a priest.

—"Kiss Kiss, Bang Bang"

We don't sniff the sub etheric resonator!

—Ianto Jones, "Sleeper"

Tosh: You said we weren't allowed to use that again.
Jack: It's just a mind probe.
Ianto: Remember what happened last time we used it?
Jack: That was different. That species has extremely high blood pressure.

Ianto: Oh right. Their heads must explode all the time.

—"Sleeper"

Owen How'd you know that?

Ianto I know everything! And it says so on the bottom of the screen.

—"Sleeper"

Jack: All you did tonight was mess things up. Now we have to think of a way to get back in and thanks to you they'll have tightened security.
Rhys: Well, if you'd stopped and asked me exactly what I saw in there instead of showing off about the place—
Jack: Do I show off?
Ianto: Just a bit.
Rhys: - you'd know that I got out by telling them I wanted a job as a delivery boy. So rather than cock things up I found you a way to get in. (getting right in Jack's face) But if you can't handle that, Big Boy, then you can stuff it.

Jack:...(glances at Gwen) This is quite homoerotic.

—"Meat"

I have searched for the phrase "I shall walk the Earth and my hunger shall know no bounds," but I keep getting redirected to Weight Watchers.

—Ianto Jones, "Dead Man Walking"

Banana Boat: So do you fancy a little drink later?
Tosh: I'm sorry. I'm intolerant to vasoactive amines.
Banana Boat: Huh?

Tosh: Bananas make me vomit.

—"Something Borrowed"

That's what I love about Torchwood. By day you're chasing the scum of the universe. Come midnight you're the wedding fairy.

—Ianto Jones, "Something Borrowed"

Gwen: On your knees!
John: [sigh] Honestly, it's just sex, sex, sex, with you people.

Gwen: Now!

—"Exit Wounds"

Gwen: [mockingly] Oh my God, Severn Bridge. I'm going into England. Farewell forever.
Rhys: [mock-concerned] Good luck. Have you got currency?

Gwen: Yes, and I've had my injections.

—"Children of Earth"

Ianto: Don’t forget me.
Jack: Never could.
Ianto: A thousand years’ time…you won’t remember me.

Jack: Yes, I will. I promise, I will.

—"Children of Earth"

Wales is insane.

—Rex Matheson "Miracle Day: The New World"

Gwen: That was your last chance.
Lyn: Yeah? And what're you gonna do about it? If you're the best England's got to offer, then God help you.

Gwen I'm Welsh. [punches her]

—"Miracle Day: Rendition"

Lupa: You like Torchwood right?
Snob: Never heard of it. Is it pretentious?
Lupa: No, but it has lots of gay sex and a pterodactyl!

Snob: You're alright.

—The Cinema Snob and Obscurus Lupa, in their review of The Asylum's Sherlock Holmes

Land lines, mobiles, tin cans with bits of string, all down. Everything down, absolutely everything. No more phones, phones all gone. (makes a little phone with his hand) Hello? Anybody there? No, because the phones aren't working!

—Ianto Jones, "Sleeper"