< The Dresden Files

The Dresden Files/Funny


The Dresden Files are what happen when a Badass nerd with a stupid sense of humor narrates an Urban Fantasy/horror series. Or, to put it another way, Hilarity Ensues.

General

  • Any conversation between Harry and Bob. Especially when Bob comes into line of sight with any attractive women.
  • There's also pretty much anything involving Toot-toot.
    • When Harry promises to promote Toot-toot to Major-General of the Guard:

If a glowing exclamation point had appeared above his head, it wouldn't have surprised me.

  • Whenever Harry tries to say something in Latin. Stupid Correspondence Course.
  • Whenever Harry knows he's about to get in trouble with sex, he uses ice water to kill the mood. The first time, he poured a cup of ice water directly onto his crotch to avert some bad decisions. The second time he managed to pour it on the woman in question and turn it into a Crowning Moment of Heartwarming in their relationship.
  • Harry consistenly wonders if some of his enemies have read the Evil Overlord List.


Storm Front

  • On Morgan's first appearance:

Have you ever been approached by a grim-looking man, carrying a naked sword with a blade about ten miles long in his hand, in the middle of the night, beneath the stars on the shores of Lake Michigan? If you have, seek professional help.

  • Harry, when he was home-invaded by a demon, tells Susan to go drink an escape potion in the basement. He later runs down to find she's still there, so he casts up a very small, circular barrier that will protect them, but will break if they cross it. The kicker comes when Harry realizes...that what Susan drank was a "Super Tequila" Love Potion. He then must try to control her, his hormones, and keep the barrier up. Hilarity Ensues.
    • This on top of the fact that he was just out of the shower, and buck naked.

Fool Moon

  • "I could taste the blood in my mouth, from where I had bitten into my tongue, and I either had to spit or swallow. I swallowed. No comments, please."
  • Harry's phone conversation with Marcone. Marcone has been addressing Harry as 'Mr. Dresden' for the past two books, while Harry, knowing it would annoy him, has been calling Marcone simply 'John'. After Harry sees through Marcone's attempt to persuade him that he owes him his life, the following occurs:

"Of course," Marcone said, with a note of disappointment in his voice. "I'd just hoped you hadn't realized it. Nonetheless, Harry—"
"Don't call me Harry," I said, and hung up on him.

  • Harry's Klatchian Coffee potion takes him from beat up and worn out to whistling Carmen and composing a poem about autumn.
  • During a stop for fast food, Harry puts a paper crown on his head and solemnly declares, "I am the burger king."
    • Which could well make his subsequent elevation to Pizza Lord a bit of a Brick Joke.

Grave Peril

  • After realizing that Charity isn't in the house, and in danger of the Nightmare, Michael wants to rush out to save her. Harry is reluctant, leading to this exchange:

"What are you waiting for, Harry? Let's go find her."
"But your kids - "
Michael rolled his eyes, took a step to the door, and jerked it open without looking away from me. Father Forthill stood on the other side, his thinning hair windblown, his bright blue eyes surprised behind his wire-rimmed spectacles. "Oh. Michael. I didn't mean to stop by so late, but my car stalled only a block from here on the way back from taking Mrs. Hamish home, and I thought I might borrow - " He paused, looking from me to Michael and then back to me again. "You need a babysitter again, don't you."

    • It's that last again that puts it over the top. How many times has this happened?
  • Harry discussing plans with Bob:

Harry: "Damn shaky logic, though. Nothing I could justify to the Council in order to get their back-up, either. I don't have any proof."
Bob: "So? Hat up, go kill her. Problem solved."
Harry: "Bob, You can't just go around killing people."
Bob: "I know. That's why you should do it."
Harry: "No, no. I can't go around killing people, either."
Bob: "Why not? You've done it before. And you've got a new gun and everything."
Harry: "I can't arbitrarily end someone's life because of something they may have done."
Bob: "Bianca's a vampire. She's not alive in the classic sense. I'll get Mister and go fetch the bullets and you-"
Harry: "No, Bob. She's got lots of people around her, too. I'd probably have to kill some of them to get to her."
Bob: "Oh. Damn. This is one of those right and wrong issues again, isn't it."
Harry: "Yeah, one of those."
Bob: "I'm still confused about this whole morality thing, Harry."

  • Harry's choice of costume:

Michael: "I still can't believe that you came to the Vampires' Masquerade Ball dressed as a vampire."
Harry: "Not just a vampire, a cheesy vampire. Do you think they got the point?"

  • How Michael and Thomas escaped the Nevernever.

Michael: Thomas brought us out into this flesh pit.
Thomas: I'm not a wizard. I can only get in and out of the Nevernever at points close to my heart.
Michael: A house of sin!
Thomas: A gentleman's club. And one of the nicest ones in town.

  • Harry and Michael on certain enemies:

Harry: Holy shit. Hellhounds.
Michael: Harry, you know I don't like it when you swear.
Harry: Oh, sorry. Holy shit. Heckhounds.

Kravos: You aren't funny! You are going to die! You can't treat this as a joke!
Harry: Why not? Kravos, I took you out with a piece of chalk and a Ken doll. You're the biggest joke of a spellslinger I've ever seen. Even I didn't expect you to drop like that; maybe the link with that doll worked so well because it was anatomically cor-
Kravos: (Unstoppable Rage)

  • Harry, drawn into the vampires' trap, realizes exactly what they're up to...

Harry: Oh, Jesus. Son of a bitch.
Michael: He didn't mean it, Lord.

Summer Knight

  • The best battlecry ever: I don't believe in faeries!!
    • To put this one in perspective: Harry was in the Nevernever, the world of the Fae, about to take part in a battle that LITERALLY held the balance of the entire world at stake... and he has the cajones to say that. Crazy Awesome to the EXTREME.
  • "FOR THE PIZZA LORD! CHARGE!"
  • Harry getting the Unravelling from Aurora and yelling "meep meep!" before running off.
  • Harry's response to Maeve's ham-handed, but magically enhanced, attempts at seduction by unzipping his fly and pouring a jar of ice cold water directly onto his crotch.
  • Harry telling Murphy that she will be fine and if not...

Harry: Then I will personally make fun of you every day for the rest of your life. I will call you sissy girl in front of everyone you know, tie frilly aprons on your car, and lurk in the parking lot at CPD and whistle and tell you to shake it, baby. Every. Single. Day.
Murphy: You do realize I'm holding a gun, right?

  • All of the many Shakespearean shout-outs.
  • "Spenser never mentions that the Faerie Queen has a great ass. So I notice these things. So sue me."
  • When Harry follows Fix, Ace, and Meryl into the alley outside the funeral, he gets his ass beat to the point that he can't speak clearly. When he tries to assure the panicking changelings that he's not there to cause trouble, his gibberish causes Fix to flip out and yell "He's casting on us!" Cue Meryl chucking Harry into a dumpster.

Death Masks

  • In what doubles as a Crowning Moment of Heartwarming, the scene when the Archive notices Mister, cries "Kitty!" and goes to pet him. Living repository of all humanity's knowledge? Maybe. Seven year old? Without a doubt.
    • The funny part about it wasn't so much what Ivy did, but more Kincaid's reaction:

Kincaid: Now, that's just creepy.

  • Harry's reaction to Molly's strategically shredded school uniform and facial piercings:

"I had a vague memory of being that ridiculous at one time. Let he who hath never worn parachute pants cast the first stone."

    • The entire following conversation is pretty funny, too:

Molly: "Oh, so those are Bad-time handcuffs, not fun-time handcuffs!"

    • Also:

Harry: This conversation has become way too bleeping disturbing.

Harry: Speed of lightning! Roar of thunder! Fighting all who rob or plunder! Underdog!

  • The "Asteroid Dresden" Brick Joke at the end had me literally rolling with laughter for a good couple minutes.
  • Harry summons an oracle spirit...into a Cabbage Patch doll. She is not pleased.
  • Harry's first conversation with the Russian Knight of the Cross Sanya, who remains an atheist despite Archangel Michael descending from Heaven to give him his sword. After Harry pokes holes in both this excuse and after Sanya amends that he may be agnostic, Sanya proposes that perhaps he is insane and this is a hallucination. Harry begins to laugh hysterically in response, probably mirroring the reader.
  • When Harry and Susan go to Michael's house, she comments on how his lawn is green in the middle of February. Harry's response?

"Sod works in mysterious ways."

  • And we can't forget Thomas showing up to Harry's duel with Ortega wearing a Buffy the Vampire Slayer T-shirt.
  • Harry's use of a rubber ducky to interrogate Valmont. It Makes Sense in Context.
  • Molly getting Sanya in on her prank calling. Imagine this phrase spoken by a large black man in a heavy Russian accent:

"Excuse me sir. Do you happen to have Prince Albert in a can? Molly, they hung up again."

    • Made funnier by the fact that Sanya clearly had no clue what he was saying or doing.
  • Harry calls the Carpenter house, and gets Molly instead of Charity (like he feared). He can tell just from her voice that she's grown up some.

Molly: Yep! got visited by the breast fairy and everything!
Harry (Narrating) It took me a moment to realize she hadn't been talking literally about the Fairie. Sometimes I hate my life.

Blood Rites

  • The entropy curse. In the middle of a melee, Harry channels the curse—a very nasty spell that alters probability to cause fatal accidents—away from its intended target and toward a vampire that's currently attacking his side. A moment later, the vamp is crushed. By a twenty-pound frozen turkey falling from the sky. The drumstick tips wrapped in red tinfoil. And then the timer dings.

Everyone stopped to blink at that for a second. I mean, come on. Impaled by a guided frozen turkey missile. Even by the standards of the quasi-immortal creatures of the night, that ain't something you see twice.
"For my next trick," I panted into the startled silence, "anvils."

    • Although it happened off screen, one of the first thing the curse does is cause someone to get hit by a car. While she was water skiing.
  • Opening line: "The building was on fire, and it wasn't my fault." It even found its way into the RPG as one of Harry's aspects.
  • Harry explaining to Thomas that his life isn't all "feuding demigods and nations at war"

Thomas: "It's also about mold demons and flaming monkey poo?"
Harry: "What can I say? I put the 'ick' in 'magic.'"

"My dick is bigger than your dick," I said.

I'd been in a few caves that were the headquarters for dark magic and those who trafficked in it. None of them had been warm. None of them had been pleasant. And none of them had been professionally decorated.
Until now.

  • Closing line: "Why did you buy large breed puppy chow?"
    • This requires a little bit of context: Harry has just agreed to let Thomas stay with him a bit. In addition, he has spent most of the book accompanied by Mouse, who at this point is a little puppy who has been riding comfortably in Dresden's coat pocket. The line above comes at the end of a paragraph where Harry is musing that sure, it's going to be a little tighter of a fit in his small apartment with Thomas around, but it won't be so bad, ending his monologue with a note that Mouse won't take up much room. Then Thomas gets home with the groceries.
  • During the end battle, Harry is handcuffed to the wall. Murphy is searching for the keys and snarking at him.

Harry: "Me not like woman with smart mouth. Woman shut smart mouth and get me free or no wild monkey love for you."

  • When Bob is talking about Arturo's "critically-acclaimed" erotic movies.

"Four stars, four boners. What's the difference?"
I wasn't even going to touch that one.

  • Harry's completely irrelevant question right before they go up against the Black Court. It's also a Shout-Out to Animaniacs. This was the Warner's question to the "all-knowing" Wally Llama that he couldn't answer.

Kincaid: Any questions?
Harry: Why are hot dogs sold in packages of ten but hot dog buns are sold in packages of eight?
(Kincaid, Murphy, and Ebenezar glare at him)

  • The first meeting of Harry and Lara. After accepting a job for Thomas, he ended so pissed over the con that he decided to have a "talk" with him. Lara decided to intervine, using a pair of miniature guns and her glamour but it failed against Harry and after a second try:

Lara: Empty Night. You are Harry Dresden.
Harry:Don't feel bad. I cleverly concealed my identity as Harry the Production Assistant.

  • Harry's response to a rude "actor" at the studio:

Bobby: Who the hell are you?
Harry: I the hell am Harry.

    • This gem a few minutes after that introduction:

Harry: He thought I was a Stunt Penis?

  • When Harry, Murphy, and Kincaid are sitting down at breakfast to discuss the hit on Mavra's safehouse, Murphy reaches for her chair, and Kincaid stands up politely, like a proper gentleman. After she glares at him for the unwanted chivalry, he sits down, and she reaches for the chair again. Then Harry gets up. She glares at him, and says that "It's not chivalry if you're doing it to be a wiseass." A small scene, but hilarious.
  • Murphy mocks Harry's chivalry earlier in the book as well. While talking to her over the phone about Arturo Genosa, Harry is reluctant to say any words related to a certain female body part, rationalizing "A gentleman just doesn't say some words in front of a lady." Murphy is only too happy to disabuse him of this notion.

Harry: He doesn't believe in using surgically altered... uh... You know.

Murphy: (brightly) Boobs? Jugs? Hooters? Ya-yas?

Harry: I guess.

Murphy: Melons? Torpedoes? Tits? Gazongas? Knockers? Ta-tas?

Harry: Hell's bells, Murph!

Murphy: (laughs) You're cute when you're embarrassed.

  • Something of a Meta Crowning Moment of Funny, but hearing James Marsters do the voice of Trixie Vixen is just plain hilarious, even discounting how funny Trixie's lines are to begin with.

Dead Beat

  • This exchange when Thomas admits to calling his sister and threatening her for information.

Harry: So you're telling me that I just engaged in blackmail against the ruler of the White Court. By proxy.
Thomas: Yeah. You've got some great big brass balls on you to do something like that, Harry.

  • Doubling with the book's Crowning Moment of Awesome, Sue, the zombie T-Rex, stomping through Chicago. Particularly the reactions from the people who see her coming—the military, the Wardens, and the villains. Then there's when Dresden reminds Butters to keep the beat going.

Butters: I know, I stop playing, no more dinosaur.
Dresden: No, you stop playing, dinosaur does whatever the hell it wants.

    • Another one right afterward:

Butters: My God, you're like a living wrecking ball! ....hey, can we swing by my boss' house? He won't shut up about his new Jaguar.

    • And it even helps Harry make friends:

Warden Ramirez: Everyone else who lets me ride their dinosaur calls me Carlos.

    • And later on, a funny-as-hell moment by implication. Said dinosaur was controlled by Butters' polka suit, right? Well, while Harry's off saving the day, Butters attends to Warden Luccio's wounds, and while he's doing that, Morgan takes over drumming for him. Just the image of stern, serious Morgan operating a one-man polka suit is hilarious.
      • Except Morgan couldn't have worn the suit. The reason he stayed behind was because his knee was shattered when Ramirez shot him to keep him from killing Harry, and the drum portion was used by kicking or marching. Most likely he kept the beat simply by using the drum like a normal one.
  • "Because I'm too stubborn to die. And Thomas is too pretty to die. And you aren't going to die, Butters, because tomorrow is Oktoberfest and polka will never die!"
    • Which turns into a Running Gag in Changes, when Harry once again reminds Butters that polka will never die.
  • Building up to the book's climax fight, Ramirez gets one while he's discussing plans with Harry.

Dresden: "And if that wasn't enough, he's got an apprentice with him, called Kumori, who seems personally loyal. She's probably strong enough to be on the Council herself."
Ramirez: "Damn. She pretty?"
Dresden: "She keeps her face covered. No idea."
Ramirez: "If she was pretty, I'd just turn on the Ramirez charm and have her eating out of my hand. But I can't take chances with that kind of power if I'm not sure she's pretty. Used recklessly, it could endanger innocent bystanders or land me in bed with an ugly girl."

  • Butters mistaking Harry for gay. Even better when Thomas plays along by giving Harry a kiss on his forehead.
  • "Life is a journey. Time is a river. The door is ajar."
  • Butters guilting Harry into making sure they got his polka suit out of the morgue.

"I'm not leaving it here for God-knows-what to mess with," Butters said. He grunted and threw a strap awkwardly over his shoulder. The bass drum rumbled.
"Yes you are," I said. "We're not taking it with us. We don't have time for this."
Butters turned to face me, his expression stricken.
(Gilligan Cut)
That stupid polka suit filled up most of the back of the SUV.

  • The conversation between Harry and Malcolm Dresden, when Malcolm warns Harry of the Jabberwock.

Malcolm: "No, I don't have a vorpal sword to lend you." (pulls out a Snickers bar) "You'll have to make do with a Snickers snack."

  • Early on in the novel, Harry is bringing Butters up to speed on necromancy, including the notion that they might be able to raise the dead.

Butters: "Jesus!"
Harry: "No, I don't think they were responsible for that one."

  • After Marcone sends Gard to rescue Harry from the ghoul Li Xian:

Gard: Hubris. Mortals never understand.
Harry: Tell me about it. Everyone makes that mistake but me.

Proven Guilty

  • Harry gets captured by a second string vampire, who...puts him up for sale on eBay.
  • Harry quoting the Dukes of Hazzard after getting into a wreck that requires him to climb out the side of the Beetle.
  • A small thing, but Molly explaining to Harry that she's "explored" to which Harry replies, "Well, Magellan...."
    • And the bit about 'going blind'; "You're joking, that's a joke right, Harry?"
  • When Charity is introduced to Thomas, she fixes him with a steady stare and says levelly, "You're the White Court vampire who took my husband to a strip club."
  • Harry kicks down a door, ready for a fight, and shouts, "And I'm all out of bubblegum!". Naturally, there's nobody there.
  • "Get away from her, you bitch!"
  • Bob's reaction to Molly showing up at Harry's door to shower. Giddy doesn't even begin to cover it.
    • Made even funnier in the audiobooks, where James Marsters' giddy Bob voice is absolutely hilarious.
  • Also in the audiobooks, whenever SPLATTERCON!!! is mentioned, James Marsters says, "Splattercon, exclamation point, exclamation point, exclamation point," in a somewhat deadpan voice.
  • When the team are gearing up to go into the Nevernever, Murphy asks who else he is bringing for help, to which Harry is evasive, pissing her off.

Murphy: You're enjoying this. You just love to dance around questions and spring surprises when you know something the rest of us don't.
Harry: It's like heroin for wizards.

  • Harry's response to learning just how many Winter fae are coming to kill him.

Lea You summoned forth the power of Summer here in Arctis Tor, in the heart of all Winter. When you did so, those of Winter felt the agony of it. And now they come to slay you or drive you forth.
Harry: Uh. How many of them?
Lea: Why, all of Winter, child. All of us.

Harry: Crap.

White Night

  • Carlos Ramirez, who has for the last several books been bragging about his popularity with the ladies, meets Affably Evil sex vampiress Lara Raith, who immediately turns to Dresden and exclaims: "A virgin! Is he a present?" And of course, Harry being Harry, he makes increasingly hilarious comments about it through the rest of the scene.
    • Ramirez loved women. Ramirez never shut up about women. Well, he never shut up about anything in general.
    • "They're going to try to flank us." "I know I never went to warden combat school. But I feel I should remind you that this is not MY first time."
    • Similarly, basically everything Ramirez says, ever.
    • Especially his reaction to his wound.

Ramirez: "Bloody hell. Harry. There's a knife in my leg. When did that happen?"
Harry: "In the duel. Don't you remember?"
Ramirez: "I thought you'd stepped on me and sprained my ankle. Bloody hell. There's a knife in my guts. And they match."

  • Then there's Thomas's solution to the problem of his vampire hunger. Harry has spent two books worrying that he's gone back to hunting and victimizing women...instead, he's started a high-end beauty salon and has been posing as a gay French hairdresser. Brilliant and comedy gold.
  • But before Harry learns the details, he has to look around Thomas's apartment. Security comes to have a little talk with him. Which is when he realizes the backup plan.

I was going to kill Thomas.

    • "An NBA-sized gay burglar who works with a dog."
  • Murphy and the rest of SI are determined to make sure he never lives it down, either...

Murph: You're going syrupy on me, Dresden.
Harry: If it rains, I'll melt.
Murph: It's to be expected. What with how you're gay and all now.
Harry: I'm wh... Oh. Thomas's apartment. Hell's bells, you cops have a fast grapevine.

Murph: Yeah. Rawlins heard it at the coffee machine and he just had to call me up and tell me all about you and your boyfriend getting into a fight. He asked me if I should get you the sound track to Les Miserables or Phantom of the Opera for Christmas this year. Varetti and Farrel got a deal on track lighting from Malone's brother-in-law.

Harry: Don't you people have lives? ..... What are you getting me?

Murph: Stallings and I found an autographed picture of Julie Newmar on eBay.

Harry: You guys are never going to let go of this one, are you?

Murph: We're cops. Of course not.

    • The real payoff from that incident comes a little later, when Harry and Murph are trying to get into see the proprietress of a high-class brothel, only to discover that Harry unknowingly possesses a lifetime membership:

Murph: What's that all about?
Harry: Don't ask me. I'm gay now.

      • The previous quote, a CMOF for Harry, was a result of showing up at one of "Gentleman" Johnny Marcone's businesses, particularly a brothel posing as a health club. Harry was greeted at the door with a Platinum membership package. When pressed for a reason why, Marcone delivers his CMOF:

Marcone: I am under no illusions about your fondness for myself and my business. I regard it as a preventative measure. In my judgment, my buildings are considerable less likely to burn to the ground during one of your visits if you are disoriented from being treated like a sultan.

  • This gem, from Johnny Marcone:

Marcone: Dresden. It's nice to see you alive. Your sense of humor, of course, remains unchanged, which is unsurprising, as it seems to have died in your adolescence. Presumably, it entered into a suicide pact with your manners.

  • Which he said in response to Dresden:

Tonight you will be visited by three spirits," I announced. "The ghosts of indictment past, present, and future. They will teach you the true meaning of 'you are still a scumbag criminal.'"

  • During that scene, Harry gets shocked speechless. Marcone... simply smiles.

Demeter: "It isn't polite to gloat."
Marcone: "I'm simply savoring the moment. If you really knew the man, you'd appreciate how rare this is."

  • Harry's 'revenge' on Thomas for leaving him out of the loop.
  • Lara after Harry wards her off with his four years of... fidelity.

"Still... A man like you and it's been four years..." She shook her head. "I have enormous personal respect for you, wizard. But that's just... sad."

  • Harry's snark is out in full force for this book. "Right. Okay, here's the plan. We follow all the other flammable people out of the building before we burn to death."
  • Marcone telling Harry to say please. And then pretty please. With a cherry on top. Once he asks Harry to say pretty please with a cherry on top, Harry tells him 'fuck you' and hangs up.
  • Lord Raith gives an absolutely hilarious verbal smackdown to the Malvora and Madrigal after Lady Cesarina objects to the challenge of Harry and Carlos.

Lord Raith: Unless, of course, our war heroes here lack the courage to withstand this utterly predictable response to their course of action. They are, of course, free to decline the challenge, should they feel themselves unable to face the consequences of their deeds.

Small Favor

  • The banter between Thomas and Harry.

Thomas: Okay, so where are we going?
Harry: Where they treat me like royalty.
Thomas: We're going to Burger King?

  • A minor one:

Harry: "Stop. Occam time."

  • A good example of Harry's wit is Murphy's speech (and Harry's response) about how the clandestine, supernatural meeting would not happen without her present.

Murphy: "I’m going to be there as a moderating influence with your cooperation. Or we can do it the other way. Your choice, but I know a lot of cops who are sick and tired of this supernatural bullshit sneaking up on us."
Gard, warningly: "Dresden."
Harry: "What? Once we gave them the vote, it went totally out of control."

    • Made even funnier by the fact he's saying it to a Valkyrie.
  • Later, Harry is meeting the Archive at the aquarium:

A pair of dolphins swept by us in the water, flicking their heads to get a good look at us as they went. One of them made a chittering sound that wasn't very melodic. The other twitched its tail and splashed a little water our way, all in good fun. They weren't the attractive Flipper kind of dolphins. They were regular dolphins that aren't as pretty and don't get cast on television. Maybe they just refused to sell out and see a plastic surgeon. I held a fist up to them. Represent.

Eldest Brother Gruff: Likest thou jelly within thy donut?
Harry: Nay, but with sprinkles 'pon it, and frosting of white.

    • And later, when he finds the donut in his car, still hot, Thomas asks him "Where did that come from?" He just smiles and keeps eating.

Thomas: You don't even explain the little things, do you?
Harry: It's like a drug.

    • For that matter, Eldest Gruff's arrival.

Thump. Thump. Thump. I adjusted the aim on the staff a little higher. Thump. Thump. Sweat trickled off my brow. Thump. Thump. How far did this guy have to walk? Thump. Thump. This was just getting ridiculous, now. Thump. Thump. And Eldest Gruff appeared in the opening. He was five feet tall. Five-two, tops.

  • Harry's reaction to watching Kincaid click off his gun's safety and lay it across his chest before going to sleep.

Harry: How cute. He's got a teddy Glock.

  • "I... I've never been hit on by a woman a hundred and fifty years older than me."
    • His honest bewilderment through the conversation is—and this is an adjective which no-one would ever attach to Harry Dresden—adorable. He keeps stuttering.
  • On the same note, Thomas berating Harry for not realizing that Luccio was non-verbally hitting on him.

"Moron. Thank God Nicodemus is a man."

  • When Harry is being rescued by Thomas at the and of the book, he makes a bunch of silly, petty complaints as Thomas respectively shoots Nicodemus's minions with a pistol at long range (He doesn't even practice.), hauls Harry up out of the water without any effort (He doesn't even work out.), and then walks back to the boat's wheelhouse, while looking awesome. (He doesn't even moisturize.)
  • Everyone seems to forget Harry's Genius Escape Plan that had me crying from laughter

Miss Gard brought the reconditioned Huey up from the eastern side of the island, flying about a quarter of an inch over the treetops, blasting "The Ride of the Valkyries"

    • Oh, and it had a Minigun!

Turn Coat

  • The very first page has one, courtesy of Harry's cynicism, when Morgan shows up and asks Harry to hide him before passing out.

Oh.
Super.

  • "Sufficiently advanced technology, my ass." How is it possible that the world existed for almost 50 years between Arthur C. Clarke and this joke?
  • The Gatekeeper wonders aloud whether Dresden is some sort of criminal mastermind, or really is just that unlucky and clueless. Harry looks at him, points at the bandage wrapped around his own noggin, and says, simply, "Dude." Left me in stitches.
  • This exchange between Bob and Harry:

Harry: I've got gender issues.
Bob: Uh. Wow. I'd love to say something that would make that more embarrassing for you, boss, but I'm not sure how.
Harry: Not my... ugh. With the skinwalker. Is it actually a male? Do I call it a he?

Bob: It's a semidivine immortal, Harry. It doesn't procreate. It has no need to recombine DNA. That means that gender simply doesn't apply. That's something only you meatsacks worry about.

Harry: Then why is it that you stare at naked girls every chance you get, but not naked men?

Bob: It's an aesthetic choice. As a gender, women exist on a plane far beyond men when it comes to the artistic appreciation of their external beauty.

Harry: And they have boobs.

Bob: And they have boobs!

  • Morgan gets a nice one when Harry realizes that he's called in Titania's boon to throw off any attempts to magically trace him.

Morgan: I know it's no doughnut...

    • Bonus points: Harry asks how the hell Morgan found out about it, and he explains the entire Seelie court have been laughing about it for months.
  • "Received, one six foot traditional Ozark walking club from Mr. Smart-ass."
    • "That's Doctor Smart-ass. I didn't go through 4 years of insult college to be called Mister."
  • A little bit of black humour:

"Bill, it’s Dresden."
"Harry," he said politely. Bill was always polite with me. He saw me do something scary once.

  • Lara bitchslapping Harry and then winking at him during her tirade.
  • Harry's Defeat Means Friendship moment, if only because he punches something in the snout to establish dominance. I'd really, really like to know if Butcher reads Problem Sleuth.
  • Harry's just revealed to Lara Raith, her sisters, Injun Joe, Ebenezar, and Ancient Mai that he called the skinwalker earlier to meet him there, without warning anyone else, in order to force a fight and thereby a temporary alliance between the White Court and the White Council. It should be arriving in anywhere from a few seconds to a few minutes.

Ebenezar blinked. Then he turned his face to me, his expression clearly asking whether or not I was out of my damned mind.
"Wile E. Coyote," I said to him soberly. "Suuuuuuper Genius."

    • Later, Harry reveals that the entire fight was a Xanatos Gambit so that he could get pictures of the traitor.

Molly: "Then...that entire scenario on the island...the meeting, the fight...the entire thing was a ploy?"
Harry: "Wile E. Coyote," I said wisely. "Suuuuuuper Genius."

  • Every time Harry comes home, he finds some form of Mexican Standoff taking place between Morgan and Molly (and at one point Luccio), with Mouse being the only thing keeping it from escalating into violence. The first time he's surprised. The second time he's resigned (he even goes over and gets a drink before sitting down and sorting things out) and the third time he just gets exasperated that they're at it again.

Harry: I can’t believe I’m about to say this... So think real careful about where this is coming from. Have you people ever considered talking when you’ve got a problem?

    • Mouse immediately protests with a polite little "a-woof," prompting Harry to apologize and exempt him from that statement.
  • Harry and Murphy are talking about the Wardens and how he relates to them.

Murphy: You've never really compromised your order for someone else's, which is why you drive the Wardens nuts. They have procedures, they have forms, they have reports - and you ignore them unless someone twists your arm to make you do it. Am I right?
Harry: Still don't see how that's a problem.
Murphy: It's a problem because you never learned how to adjust inside someone else's order. If you had, you'd realize what an incredible force you have working on your side.
Harry: The A-Team?
Murphy: Bureaucracy.
Harry: I would rather have the A-Team.

  • Even Listens-to-Wind gets his funny on in this book. After meeting Shagnasty, the skinwalker seems to know it's in for a fight. The old man simply scoops up a handful of dirt, and says "Mother says that you have no place here." There's a flash of lighting without the boom of thunder. Listens-to-Wind looks to the sky, looks to the skinwalker, and reports "Father says you are ugly."

"Peabody may not have seen the man turn into a grizzly, but he was bright enough to know that Injun Joe was getting set to adjust another relative ass-to-ears ratio."

  • Morgan's reaction when he thinks Molly is going to use magic to get into the mind of a PI watching Harry's apartment (a big no-no in the Dresdenverse), but then she uses a totally different kind of "magic" to get information. Even funnier when Morgan is appreciative of the show she puts on, but Harry, who has known her since she was eight, is slightly Squicked.
  • Harry on why the Merlin should accept his help proving Morgan innocent:

"Because your balls are in a vise and I'm the only one who can pull them out. *Beat* Okay. That came out a little more homoerotic than I intended."

  • Harry goes to visit an attorney on the 24th floor of a building, and his initial interaction with the office's secretary is simply priceless.

She looked up at me with a polite smile, her dark hair long and appealing, her shirt cut just low enough to make you notice, but not so low as to make you think less of her. I liked the smile. Maybe I didn't look like a beaten-up bum. Maybe on me it just looked ruggedly determined.
"I'm sorry, sir, but the addiction-counseling center is on twenty-six."
Sigh.

Changes

  • A small one at the beginning: After going to Mac's after Susan tells Harry that their daughter's been kidnapped, Harry tells Mac, who proceeds to caution Harry, that he's "got to be very careful." Harry's reaction?

I looked at him, shocked. He’d . . . used grammar.

  • Harry finding out that the Red Court owns the office building which he works at. Which means he has been paying them rent.
    • He then finds out that they rigged his office room with explosives:

"Those jerks," I said. "They told us they were cleaning out asbestos!"

    • After the inevitable explosion, Harry is mad because he just mailed in his rent check.
  • Toot-Toot explaining how Mab made sure that everyone in Faerie saw the... "ceremony" where she made Harry the Winter Knight.
    • A certain Knight of the Cross's comments to Harry after his adventures with Mab. Even funnier on the audiobook, in James Marsters' Russian Accent.

"You hit that. You" —he scrunched up his nose, digging in his memory— "tapped that ass. Presumably, it was phat."

    • Also, "You are a drug dealer. To tiny faeries. For shame."
    • Toot-Toot's comments about career changes are both funny and Nightmare Fuel.

"Harry’s the new Winter Knight! Which is fantastic! The old Winter Knight mostly just sat around getting tortured. He never went on adventures or anything. Unless you count going crazy, I guess."

  • Harry listening to a recording of his mother talking about various routes through the Ways, which mentions that while moving through the darkness on one route, something tried to grab her.

Harry: Maybe it was a grue.

  • Harry sets up a meeting with Marcone. Where does he agree to have the meeting? A dark alley, or in the middle of one of Marcone's "business establishments?" Nope. Burger King. And when Harry arrives, the first thing he does is walk right by Marcone and his entire collection of goons, orders a sausage biscuit and coffee, and then goes to see Marcone.
    • Especially since one of his rationalizations to Molly for holding the meeting is, "I just want to see him there."
  • "But evidently, those vampires had been noobs."
  • Bit of a small one , but While harry is talking to the Eebs about Arianna's grudge against harry, they refer to the wizard who killed Ortega (Ebenezar) as "the wizard of the black stick".
  • Lea begins altering Harry's clothes, and at one point gives him Shoulders of Doom, to which he quips:

This is ridiculous. I look like the Games Workshop version of a Jedi Knight.

    • Later, he shows up at a rendezvous with his allies dressed in the outfit Lea finally decided to stick him in. Everyone stares for a few seconds... then starts laughing hysterically.
  • A moment that can only be summed up thusly:

Mouse: "That bitch."

Mouse: "Restore them before I rip your ass off. Literally rip it off."

  • This line from a letter to Harry from an incredibly British wizard:

'PS-Why, yes, I can in fact capitalize any words I desire. The language is English. I am English. Therefore mine is the opinion which matters, colonial heathen.'

    • Remember that the books may be Harry's journals and that the English write "capitalise." I think we have a small Take That here.
  • Harry crossing over from his own home into the Nevernever, completely prepared to face all sorts of horrible monsters, or conditions because he's sure his home only reflects bad things, and finding a very pretty garden.
    • And shortly afterward, upon discovering one of the guardians Lea put there:

"Booya! What have you got for fiery beam of death, huh? You got nothing for fiery beam of death! Might as well go back to Atari, bug-boy, 'cause you don't got game enough for me!"

    • Which gets even better a paragraph later when the fiery beam of death doesn't kill the bug, but splits it into two bugs.
      • It's a Genius Bonus Shout-Out. Anyone ever play Centipede? Remember what happens when you shoot the titular bug in the middle?
      • Arguably doubled with an awesome moment, if the Nevernever side is always a reflection of the human world Harry's apartment is represented by a peaceful garden inhabited by a fearsome monster that only gets stronger and more terrible no matter what you throw at it.

Bob [in a perfectly calm, matter-of-fact, conversational tone]: Wow, that is incredibly unfair.

  • Harry makes one Yoda Shout-Out too many:

She frowned at me in annoyance and said, "You know, I believe it is possible to reference something other than Star Wars, boss."
I narrowed my eyes in Muppetly wisdom. "That is why you fail."

Sanya: It is like movie. Dibs on Legolas.

    • And then Thomas sticks his foot in his mouth.

Thomas: "Gimli? How about Murphy, she's pretty--"
Murphy: "Finish that sentence, Raith, and we throw down."
Thomas: "Tough. I was going to say tough. "

    • For the record, they eventually decide that Gimli is in fact Mouse, by virtue of him being the shortest, stoutest, and hairiest. Also, Thomas announces that he's Legolas, because Sanya is clearly Aragorn, and Harry is pissed off at finding out belatedly that he didn't get to be Gandalf. (In addition to being funny, some of them are Fridge Brilliance as well.)
  • Harry, upon being told that a Duel to the Death has to be contained in a specific area:

"I have this problem with buildings..."

  • A vampire leaps at Harry, but he anticipates the attack and has his shield readied. While raising his shield, he gives said vampire a very rude gesture with his shield hand as it smacks off the magical wall, which pretty perfectly sums up Harry Dresden right then and there.
  • At the end of the conversation with Odin.

Odin: "How do you know I haven't given you exactly what you need?"
Then Harry is given a tray with tea and "two cake doughnuts covered in thick white frosting and unmarred by sprinkles of any kind."

    • Couldn't help laughing at the sudden, unforeseen, mix of these two tropes.
  • Upon returning home from above-mentioned conversation:

Martin was alphabetizing my bookshelves.
They used to kill men for sacrilege like that.

  • Harry's response to Molly's theory about the kidnapping being a cover for something else.

Harry: "But for that to be true, I would have to not be the center of the universe."

  • And once again, Harry watches too many movies - and Susan backs him up.

Harry: "If only we had a wheelbarrow."

Susan: "We have a great big truck!"

Harry: (bad British accent) "Well, why didn't you list that among our assets?"

  • Harry is just about to finish off Duchess Ariana Ortega, a very powerful, extremely old Red Court Vampire.

Ariana: "But you are cattle."
Harry: "Moo."

Sanya HI PICK UP DIS BURD. HI BREK HIT HIN HAF. DEN HI TROW BOOT HAFS IN INCINERATOR!

  • When they get into the jungle:

I fumbled back to the Way to close it and stopped the tide of ectoplasm from coming through, but not before the vegetation for ten feet in every direction had been smashed flat by the flood of slime, and every jungle creature for fifty or sixty yards started raising holy hell on the what-the-fuck-was-that partyline.

  • Most of Harry's interactions with Martin, if only because of Harry's irrational dislike for the man. Particularly when he and Susan get released from Lea's cocooning spell.

She snapped her fingers and the cocoons seemed to sublimate into a fine green mist that quickly dispersed. Susan fell limply from the wall, but I was waiting to catch her and lower her gently to the floor.
Martin plummeted from the ceiling and landed on a threadbare throw rug covering the concrete floor. Nobody was there to catch him, which was awful. Just awful.

Ghost Story

  • Molly's Star Trek "defense system"—and Harry keeps referring to them as "Science Molly," "Scottish Molly," "Communications Molly"...
    • And she remembered to add a Red Shirt Molly to die at at the first sign of trouble.
      • Even better, when Spock-Molly goes for Molly's mental Self-Destruct Mechanism and Kirk-Molly tries to stop her, Harry remarks that the classic Trek fight music started playing. And later the familiar red alert klaxon is described as sounding like a teenage girl was vocally imitating it.
  • Also, Harry's reaction upon seeing Molly's Star Trek "defense system. He comments that people are either Star Trek fans or Star Wars fans. Molly tells him basically that that unspoken rule among nerds no longer applies. Harry is playfully dismayed. This event is subverted when even Uriel tells Harry that he prefers Star Wars.
  • Mort's reaction after Mister interacts with Ghost Harry.

"Oh sure. Professional ectomancer with a national reputation as a medium tells you what's going on, and nobody believes him. But let a stump-tailed furry critter come in and everyone goes all Lifetime"

  • When Molly looks upon harry with her Sight, she is shocked and asks how she can know it's him. The surefire, undeniable proof that he really is Harry Dresden?

"You will go to the Dagobah system. There you will learn from Yoda, the Jedi Master who instructed me."

    • Also a case of Fridge Brilliance when you consider whom Molly is now taking lessons from...
  • When Molly is fighting the Fomor servitors, she makes heavy use of illusion magic, including false walls of flame, which they eventually see through. Then Harry joins with Molly, and creates a similar wall of fire. The result is pure Black Comedy.

One of them gave the wall of flame a disdainful snort and calmly walked into it.
Like I said, I'm not much when it comes to illusions.
I am, however, reasonably good with fire.

  • The moment where we all realize that Bob now has, thanks to Butters, full access to the Internet. Tremble, ye mortals.

Bob: [almost giddy] It's like ninety-percent porn!

  • Butters awaking to find himself receiving CPR from two lovely werewolf ladies who had to change to human without any clothing available.

Wow, subtract the horrible pain in my chest, this migraine, and all the mold and mildew, and I'm living the dream. <thud>

  • Uriel is an archangel. It's implied that with a bare amount of effort, he could lay waste to all of Earth. Harry nicknames him Mr. Sunshine.
    • Becomes a Genius Bonus if you know what Uriel means in Hebrew. It means either "Light of God" or "God is my Light".
      • Fridge Logic and Genius Bonus: No wonder, Uriel gets so pis ... um, peeved, when Dresden calls him "Uri." Without the "el," meaning "God," "Uri" means just "light." What other angel had a name meaning light? Lucifer.
      • Less that and more 'names have power.' Lash and Ivy are good examples of Harry's nicknaming having huge, huge effects. Uriel was afraid of the same.
  • Harry notes that he's probably not the first person to lead an army of ghosts into battle. And he's definitely not the first to lead reinforcements through a Way. But he's dead certain he's the first person to lead an army of ghosts into battle through a Way, and having them start the assault by yelling, "BOO!"
  • The way a mortal servant ends an awkward conversation with Uriel.

And then he hung up. On speakerphone. On a freaking archangel.

  • Why it took thirteen books for the Blue Beetle to be referred to as "Herby's trailer park cousin," I do not know.
  • Molly's reaction to possession by Harry.

"So. You've been inside of me. I feel like I should be offering you a cigarette."

    • Doubles as a Tear Jerker when you (and Harry) realize that she's still holding a torch for him, and has been since book eight.
  • Butters lays in a really quiet dig when Harry and Murphy refuse to ask Marcone for help. For bonus points, he says it while they're in their Marcone-built and -staffed headquarters.

"No going to Marcone for help. Because that would be... unprecedented."

  • Murphy discussing Molly's gambit to try and keep Chicago safe, specifically her nickname, "The Rag(ged) Lady":

Murphy: "If you're going to create a persona you have to think of these things. Do you know how many extra PMS jokes are flying out there now?"
Molly: (looking serious) "I think that just makes it even scarier?"
Murphy: "Yeah I guess it might."
Harry: "Scares me."

  • The conversation with Evil Bob about having a "relationship". Just...so very Harry. The best part? Mouthing off to bad guys is so second nature for him, he actually uses the time to realize that he has not become a monster and whip up an escape plan.
  • Harry's callback to Agatha Hagglethorn's Victorian-era Chicago demesne in the Nevernever back in Grave Peril:

(It burned down.)

(I was not responsible.)

Other

  • The end of the novella Backup, when Harry's complaining about how his latest case went to hell. Thomas, who actually knows what happened and was partially responsible for said case going to hell, somehow manages to keep a straight face.

Harry: You know, Thomas, sometimes I feel completely unappreciated.
Thomas: Wow. What's it like?

  • From "The Warrior":

Uriel: You're... you're trying to bill the Lord God Almighty?
Harry: Hel-- uh, heck no. I'm billing you.

"Apologies will do you no good, Wizard. Now!"
He and his posse all raised their various accoutrements, sneering malevolently. "Defend yourself!"
"Okay," I said, and pulled my trusty .44 out of my pocket.

Darth Wannabe and his posse lost their sneers.

    • Harry is trying to deal with two werewolves with psychic parasites flirting with/attacking him and Molly keeps distracting him by yelling alarming questions from the lab about fire extinguishers and acid while smoke billows out.
    • Anastasia walks in while Harry is trying to give CPR to Molly--who is topless at the time--and Harry starts stammering that it is NOT what it looks like, and she looks around and calmly states that she has no clue what this looks like.
    • "But it's my day off!" - Which doubles as a shout out to Clerks.
  • From "Something Borrowed," when Harry makes it clear he's not going to be talked down to and insulted by Billy's stepmother-in-law:

"Though you obviously aren't Georgia's mother. Howsabout I call you trophy wife? (...) Bed warmer? Mistress made good? Mid-life crisis byproduct? When in doubt, go with the classics. Gold digger."

    • Also:

Murphy: What happens if he marries a faerie?
Harry: Conservatives get real upset.

    • And the part where Murphy and Bob finally meet, while looking at Billy and Georgia's trashed apartment.

Bob: Hey, the cute blonde! Did you do her, Harry? *looks around at the destroyed apartment* Wow. You did! Way to go, stud!

    • At the end of the story:

Murphy: Not exactly a fairy-tale wedding.
Harry: Sure it was. It had an Evil Stepmother and everything.

He grunted in Martian. Fuck off and die.
It's an expressive language, Martian.

    • A minor bit, when Murphy goes to visit John Marcone. After Murphy correctly deduces that the person that suggested she talk to Marcone is actually one of his informants, Hendricks looks at Gard, who gives him an annoyed look before passing him a $20 bill. The fact that they were betting on whether or not Murphy would figure it out just made this troper laugh his ass off for some reason.
  • In "Last Call", Harry tests a doorknob, "just in case," and is disappointed to find he doesn't have to bust the door down.
  • Pretty much all of Gentleman Johnnie Marcone's narration in Even Hand, due to the man being an absolute Deadpan Snarker. However, there are a few highlights:
    • Marcone's explanation for his choice in door materials.

After a few visits from Dresden and his ilk, I had invested in cheap, light doors at dramatic (as opposed to tactical) entry points.

    • Preceded directly by this gem of a reaction to the destruction of said cheap door:

For God's sake.
At least the vampires would call for an appointment.

    • Marcone's reaction to being told, essentially, to shut up or else:

Is it so much to ask for civility?

    • Not to mention the sly references to Hendricks being much smarter than he looks, the suggestion that someone who works for a vampire should have "a bit more fortitude"...Marcone is just a fountain of CMoAs and CMoFs.

The RPG

How come most of the pictures of me show me beat to crap, Billy?
Are you on a case right now, Harry?
Yeah.
Then you’re beat to crap?
Oh. Right.

    • Except for the more somber ones.
      • Even some of those. For example, there's a section dealing with the idea that having Harry around could potentially interfere with storylines, and that in that case it might be easier to run the game if you kill him off in the background, with a list of ways this could have happened. Harry, naturally, is not amused, and his comments on the subject are likely to induce slightly nervous, uncomfortable giggling. Crowning Moment of Mood Whiplash?
  • But especially "Someone needs to explain to this guy that if you simultaneously carry a katana and wear a trenchcoat, you're a dork..." Hah. Take That Sephiroth!
    • Sure he's not referring to Connor McLeod of the Clan McLeod? Who was carrying a katana and wearing a trenchcoat 20 years earlier?
    • It's probably a reference to cliche World of Darkness and Shadowrun characters, especially given how said vampire is mentioned in relation to a game of Evernight.
    • It's also a callback of sorts; the first time Harry met Sanya, he was wearing an overcoat, and wields a saber. It would be pretty easy to mistake it for a trenchcoat-katana combo.
  • Or when Harry complains that if "Jim B." is his player in real life, he needs to roll better.
    • And in the start of the second book, when it credits Jim Butcher as the author, Harry has a minor freak out and asks who the hell this guy thinks he is.
  • "Do not fight Happy Fun Merlin. Back away slowly."
    • Hell, the files for pretty much every powerful entity. Among other things, Billy leads off the notes on Nicodemus with "You lose.", lists the Erlking's Refresh Rate as "Ha!", and laughs at the idea of writing up definite stats for Satan.
  • Harry complaining about the capricious dick of a GM he's got.

I demand 23 retroactive Fate points.

  • "I hate when you reduce my insecurities to game mechanics."
  • Harry swearing he would needle Peabody about his grammatically incorrect German, and following through in the novels.
  • One section concerning the Knights of the Cross and other people who use their Faith for power has a handful of passages blacked out entirely by Dresden, with the note that Billy should take them out because some people may not like them speculating on the nature of the big guy. If you copy and paste these lines, you find they are, in fact, Jim Butcher breaking character to tell you he's not going to open that can of worms just yet.
  • Harry starts to notice that a lot of the illustrations (based on events from the book) involve half-naked villainesses attacking him, and wonders what this says about him. Bob approves of the pictures with some enthusiasm.
  • During Arturo, the porn director's profile, Bob starts pestering Harry about getting him some videos for "research." later on, in Lara's profile, near where it mentions she acted in porn, Bob starts asking Harry again why he never picked up the videos.
  • Harry, Billy, and Bob have awesome banter throughout both books. At one point, the text refers to "keep it simple, silly."

Bob: Isn't it "Keep it simple, stupid?"
Billy: Georgia... encouraged me not to address the reader as "stupid."
Bob: Did she encourage you in the sack?
Harry: Aaaaaaand you're done.

  • Bob's opinions on what Skills scores Harry should have.

Bob: (Regarding Burglary) William, Harry should have a decent score in this.
Harry: Shut up, Bob.
--
Bob: (Regarding Deceit) Harry should have a low score in this.
Harry: Shut UP, Bob.
--
Bob: (Regarding Intimidation) Also a skill for creepy PI wizards.
Harry: Bob! Shut up!

    • The fact the first book actually has an index entry for "Shut up, Bob" is pretty hilarious in and of itself. And then you realize it's one of the the longest listings in the index.
      • Another index entry with a surprising amount of listed pages? "Jerks". Lampshaded after Harry calls yet another person a jerk.

Harry: Rudy's a jerk.
Bob: You keep saying that about people.
Harry: Well, I've met a lot of jerks.

  • One picture of Murphy facepalming has Harry commenting, "I make her do this way too much."
  • Harry's Comments on Mouse (in the Temple Dog section)

As much as I complain about my Dogasaurus Rex, I'm glad Mouse stowed away in the Beetle. He's saved my life a bunch of times. And all he asks for in return is a little kibble

Okay, a lot of kibble.

Fine, a HUUUUGE amount of kibble.
 

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