Schlock Mercenary/Quotes
From The Seventy Maxims of Maximally Effective Mercenaries
Maxim 1: Pillage, then burn.
Maxim 2: A Sergeant in motion outranks a Lieutenant who doesn't know what's going on., coin; mentioned
Maxim 3: An Ordnance Technician at a dead run outranks everybody. , coin
Maxim 4: Close air support covereth a multitude of sins.
Maxim 5: Close air support and friendly fire should be easier to tell apart.
Maxim 6: If violence wasn't your last resort, you failed to resort to enough of it.
Maxim 7: If the food is good enough the grunts will stop complaining about the incoming fire. , grocery bag, bottle opener; mentioned
Maxim 8: Mockery and derision have their place. Usually, it's on the far side of the airlock.
Maxim 9: Never turn your back on an enemy.
Maxim 10: Sometimes the only way out is through... through the hull.
Maxim 11: Everything is air-droppable at least once. coin
Maxim 12: A soft answer turneth away wrath. Once wrath is looking the other way, shoot it in the head.
Maxim 13: Do unto others.
Maxim 14: "Mad Science" means never stopping to ask "what's the worst thing that could happen?" on cover, later
Maxim 15: Only you can prevent friendly fire.
Maxim 16: Your name is in the mouth of others: be sure it has teeth. ; quoted without number
Maxim 17: The longer everything goes according to plan, the bigger the impending disaster.
Maxim 18: If the officers are leading from in front, watch out for an attack from the rear. , discussed
Maxim 19: The world is richer when you turn enemies into friends, but that's not the same as you being richer. (2013 Calendar), twitter
Maxim 20: If you're not willing to shell your own position, you're not willing to win. spoiler!
Maxim 21: Give a man a fish, feed him for a day. Take his fish away and tell him he's lucky just to be alive, and he'll figure out how to catch another one for you to take tomorrow. (number given by Word of God)
Maxim 22: If you can see the whites of their eyes, somebody's done something wrong.
Maxim 23: The company mess and friendly fire should be easier to tell apart. , bottle opener , twitter; mentioned
Maxim 24: Any sufficiently advanced technology is indistinguishable from a [really] big gun.
Maxim 25: If the manufacturer's warranty covers the damage you did, you didn't do enough damage.
Maxim 26: "Fire and Forget" is fine, provided you never actually forget.
Maxim 27: Don't be afraid to be the first to resort to violence.
Maxim 28: If the price of collateral damage is high enough, you might be able to get paid for bringing ammunition home with you.
Maxim 29: The enemy of my enemy is my enemy's enemy. No more. No less.
Maxim 30: A little trust goes a long way. The less you use, the further you'll go.
Maxim 31: Only cheaters prosper.
Maxim 32: Anything is amphibious if you can get it back out of the water. ; referenced
Maxim 33: If you're leaving tracks, you're being followed.
Maxim 34: If you're leaving scorch-marks, you need a bigger gun. coin; mentioned
Maxim 35: That which does not kill you has made a tactical error. (T-shirt) (wallpaper)
Maxim 36: When the going gets tough, the tough call for close air support.
Maxim 37: There is no 'overkill.' There is only 'open fire' and 'time to reload.' ; poster & interview; referenced
Maxim 38: Just because it's easy for you doesn't mean it can't be hard on your clients. (number given by Word of God)
Maxim 39: There is a difference between "spare" parts and "extra" parts , , Calendar
Maxim 40: Not all good news is enemy action. ; mentioned , , ,
Maxim 41: "Do you have a backup?" means "I can't fix this".
Maxim 42: "They'll never expect this" means "I want to try something stupid." Calendar
Maxim 43: If it's stupid and it works, it's still stupid and you're lucky. Longshoreman of the Apocalypse
Maxim 44: If it will blow a hole in the ground, it will double as an entrenching tool. , Calendar
Maxim 45: The size of the combat bonus is inversely proportional to the likelihood of surviving to collect it.
Maxim 46: Don't try to save money by conserving ammunition. [2015 Calendar] interview
Maxim 47: Don't expect the enemy to cooperate in the creation of your dream engagement.
Maxim 48: If it ain't broke, it hasn't been issued to the infantry. [2015 Calendar]
Maxim 49: Every client is one missing payment away from becoming a target.
Maxim 50: Every target is one bribe away from becoming a client. ?
Maxim 51: Let them see you sharpen the sword before you fall on it.
Maxim 52: The army you've got is never the army you want. . (number by Kickstarter Maxim book PDF file)
Maxim 53: The intel you've got is never the intel you want. . (number by Kickstarter Maxim book PDF file)
Maxim 54: It's only too many troops if you can't pay them. (number by Kickstarter Maxim book PDF file)
Maxim 55: It's only too many weapons if they're pointing in the wrong direction. (number by Kickstarter Maxim book PDF file)
Maxim 56: Infantry exists to paint targets for people with real guns. (number by Kickstarter Maxim book PDF file)
Maxim 57: Artillery exists to launch large chunks of budget at an enemy if cannot actually see. (number by Kickstarter Maxim book PDF file)
Maxim 58: The pen is mightiest when it writes orders for swords. (number by Kickstarter Maxim book PDF file)
Maxim 59: Two wrongs is probably not going to be enough. (22 March 2016 )twitter
Maxim 60: Any weapon's rate of fire is inversely proportional to the number of available targets. (number by Kickstarter Maxim book PDF file)
Maxim 61: Don't bring big grenades into small rooms." spoiler!
Maxim 62: Anything labeled "This End Toward Enemy" is dangerous at both ends. (number by Kickstarter Maxim book PDF file)
Maxim 63: The brass knows how to do it by knowing who can do it. not identified as a maxim;
Maxim 64: An ounce of sniper is worth a pound of suppressing fire. interview
Maxim 65: After the toss, be the one with the pin, not the one with the grenade. (number by Kickstarter Maxim book PDF file)
Maxim 66: Necessity is the mother of deception. (number by Kickstarter Maxim book PDF file)
Maxim 67: If you can't carry cash, carry a weapon. (number by Kickstarter Maxim book PDF file)
Maxim 68: Negotiating from a position of strength does not mean you shouldn’t also negotiate from a position near the exits. interview
Maxim 69: Sometimes rank is a function of firepower. (number by Kickstarter Maxim book PDF file)
Maxim 70: Failure is not an option. It is mandatory. the option is whether or not to let failure be the last thing you do. spoiler!, coin, another coin
Ships/habitats of the PD collective/Fleetmind/Plenipotent Dominion
Ships:
Predictably Damaged (at least I-VI)
Priority Delivery
Painstakingly Defenestrated
Potato Dumplings
Polysyllabic Designation
Pretty Dangerous
Parrot’s Dead
Pop Diva
Poupance Duungsmeer
Parliamentary Diet
Piece Docent
Pretty Dinky
Plaited Daisies
Pretentious Drivel
Pterodactyl
Perjurious Discourse
Pre-eminent Domain
Puny Daub
Particularly Discontiguous
Pursuing Dinosaurs (named by uploaded version of Alexia Murtaugh)
Habitats and flying cities:
Prime Directive (habitat)
Parnassus Dom (capital city)
Palindrome Demordnilap (city)
Ob'enn Ships
Sword of Inevitable Justice (superfortress; later Post-Dated Check Loan, AKA "Petey")
Scimitar of Irreparable Damage (superfortress, captured)
Staff of Unyielding Order (superfortress, captured)
Cloak of Untrammeled Dignity
Spear of Incalculable Agony
Sword of Indomitable Righteousness
Spear of Intoxicating Agony (superfortress, captured)
Sceptre of Unrelenting Pain (later destroyed; the fabber is sold to Tagon's Toughs and named Scrapyard of Insufferable Arrogance)
Stylus of Magnificent Compromise
Razor of Unmitigated Severance (superfortress; blown up)
Bludgeon of Inefficient Exsanguination (superfortress)
UNS Battleplates
Named after asteroid impacts (all of which are genuine, by the way):
Named after comet impacts (also genuine):
Uuplechan Patriot Armada ships
Soulward Honor
Fangstorm
Graveplough
Claw Six
Other quotes
Schlock: (while winding up for a punch) Sometimes you have fun, and sometimes the fun has you.
Tagon: Crazy robots...Crazy robots everywhere...
Brad: We're gonna be bodyguards for teen rock-stars.
Schlock: Wouldn't the cause of freedom be better served if we killed them instead?
UNS Officer: 'Minimal collateral damage' and 'Entire star system' do not belong in the same sentence.
Schlock: ...How did Petey get a gestalt off of a battleplate?
Kevyn: I didn't ask, and all he said was "in for a penny, in for plutonium".
Chief of Security: Do the words 'Temporary Restraining Order' have ANY MEANING?
Schlock: Yeah. 'Come back with guns.'
Admiral Breya: I'd punch you in the face, but I don't want to get any stupid on my hands.
Schlock: Oops. Brad, I think some of those walls are structural.
Schlock: We don't run from the end of the world. We CHARGE!
Petey: No offense, sir, but you think too slowly. Every three seconds you waste kills over a hundred thousand people.
Captain Kaff Tagon: I think that's the stupidest I've ever been called, Petey.
Breya: Okay, so Kevyn started the teraport wars. Fine. You created an all-consuming military monster that is making war for "the good of the galaxy."
Tagon: It's a beautiful thing. Isn't it?
Captain Kevyn Andreyasn: There are customers we serve, and customers we service.
Petey: Now, quick. Let's save the galaxy while they're confused.
Commander Kevyn: Leave me before I'm compelled to use your lifeblood as cream in my coffee.
Narrator: "Like a chainsaw through butter."
Sergeant Schlock: Stop [the doublethink]. You're hurting my brain.
Commander Kevyn: Isn't your brain distributed throughout your entire body?
Sergeant Schlock: See why I want you to stop with the doublethink?
Petey: "Spy" is such a short, ugly word. I prefer "espionage." Those extra three syllables really say something.
F'sherl-Ganni prisoner: Is this another one of those questions where one of the answers goes 'blam?'
Gateclone!Doythaban: Actually, I think several of your possible answers make that noise.
Ennesby: From the fleetmind, there is a single ship, the Plaited Daisies.
Captain Kaff Tagon: Oh, there's a nice, peaceful name...I assume it's one of Petey's "Devastator" class warships.
Ennesby: Actually, he's dubbed this class "Extortionators."
Petey: They declared war on us some 100,000 years ago. We are about to announce that we've finally noticed.
Captain Kevyn: But that's not the same thing as declaring war.
Petey: Well, it certainly isn't a wedding announcement.
Tagon: Now let's 'port out of here and run like we stole something.
TAG: Historically, the most successful thieves depart at a moderate saunter, confident in the knowledge that the theft has gone undetected.
[beat]
Tagon: Pretend you're a purse snatcher.
TAG: Am I feeding a drug habit, or am I nobly stealing to buy medicine for my sick child?
Pi: Obviously it's a giant death-ray that fires through hyperspace!
Ebby: You either need more medication, or less science-fiction.
Pi: Or less medication and more ammo.
Tagon: I know, I know ... this operation was your idea. Remember, the true officer can let others execute where his own passion lies.
Brad: You just made that up.
Tagon: No, I got it off a poster I saw at the police station.
Tagon: Massey, you've been with us since before Doyt came aboard. During that time have we done anything illegal?
Massey: Do you want me to sort the list by date, or do you want it grouped into 'felonies' and 'misdemeanors?'
Tagon: You could have just said "yes" and left it at that.
Massey: A couple of items may fall under 'high treason' or 'war crimes.' I'll have to check.
TAG: Captain, may I interrupt?
Captain Tagon: You may not. This meeting is important. If you want my attention there had better be a fire, a hull breach or a lot of blood.
TAG: So...will you listen to me if I blow a couple of bulkheads and spray burnex across the deck?
Kevyn: The grunts aren't on payroll to work as your personal bodyguard, Ensign Ventura.
Para Ventura: Who is, then?
[beat]
Kevyn: Short chick, just hired on, whines a lot. We issued her some body armor. Last name of "Ventura," I think.
Admiral Emm: Commodore Bhotsu plays an amusing game with me. At least, I suppose it to be amusing for him. I would now like to play it with you. It is called "Good News, Bad News."
Colonel DeHaans: Ummm...I know this game well, Admiral. I'd rather not play.
Narrator: This is the universe calling to tell Tagon that his reality check has bounced.
LOTA: Now please stop pretending that you are the voice of the people. You just happen to be loud, and wearing a microphone.
Kevyn: Lieutenant Ventura, I need every scrap of your notes and schematics for "King" Lota.
Para Ventura: Sure. But why?
Kevyn: It's one of the oldest rules of good strategy. . . "Know thy enemy."
Para Ventura: Yeah, yeah. I've heard that one. But isn't Lota signing the checks for your mission?
Kevyn: Fact one: My enemy has money.
Ennesby: Maybe we're just jaded, but your villainy is not particularly impressive.
Breya: Schlock, I know those union thugs were threatening us all with physical violence, but you went too far there at the end. Sure, the plasgun was all you had handy for our defense, I understand that. I can even understand you putting them down permanently when they begged you to make the pain stop.
Schlock: Eating their ashes was uncalled for. I'm sorry.
Breya: Don't let it happen again.
Kevyn: At least this way there's no evidence to worry about.
Kevyn: That's the name. "LOTA". It's your name. You live in those control systems. You are the Discontiguous Particle Acceleration System.
LOTA: Yes, that is a little megalomaniacal.
Kevyn: Only now "LOTA" stands for "Long-Gunner Of the Apocalypse."
LOTA: ...and Lota likes it.
Kevyn: I can't help but wonder whether you're able to function in society.
Pi: I don't function in society, sir. I'm a mercenary. I blow society up.
Captain Tagon: TAG, let's force their hand. Make a run for it, between the Tokyo and the Terra Firmator, full power to drive and shields.
Tag: Full power, roger. It worked, sir.
Captain Tagon: We're getting away?
Tag: No, we have been tractored by the Popigai and the Plaited Daisies.
Captain Tagon: Oh, we forced their hand.
Ennesby: They're holding flushes of face cards, and I think we're the pot.—Wednesday June 14, 2006 (Book 7: Emperor Pius Dei; Part VI: "Long Arm of the Law")
Elf: Captain, I don't care how much you hate somebody... it's just wrong to bring cake and champagne to their funeral.
Captain Tagon: Somebody assassinated King Xinchub last night.
[beat]
Elf: I'll fab some party hats, and maybe some of those noisemaker thingies.
Kevyn: And ice cream to go with the cake.
Kevyn: I could drop the low end, but then what you'd really be holding is a small caliber rotary artillery piece.
Schlock: That's the nicest thing anybody's said to me all day.
Kevyn: For it to be useful you'll need micro-grenades instead of slugs. I've got some right here.
Schlock: No, wait. THAT is.
Chelle: Our "passive scanning" has slowly gotten us exactly nowhere. I'm open to ideas. We may need to adopt a more risky approach.
Schlock: Burn the place until the smells go away, then interrogate the survivors.
Chelle: Would there be any survivors in that scenario?
Schlock: Probably not. What a time-saver!
Captain Tagon: Lt. Commander Shodan, years ago when you enlisted you asked for a job as a martial arts trainer.
Captain Tagon: And here you are, trying to solve our current problem with martial arts training.
Captain Tagon: How's that saying go? "When you're armed with a hammer, all your enemies become nails?"
Shodan: Sir,.. you're right. I'm being narrow-minded.
Captain Tagon: No, no. Please continue. I bet martial arts training is a really, really useful hammer.
Kevyn: Captain, about your security: Have you ever heard of a modem?
Megiddo: No. Why?
Kevyn: Let's just say that those who don't study history are doomed to get their butts kicked by the geeks who do.
Schlock: That's not how I remember it, Commander.
Kevyn: Who's telling this story, Sergeant?
Schlock: Oooh! I know this one! "A mind-control test-subject who hasn't yet had his head re-examined!"[1]
Schlock: You get stuff like this in your dreams?
Doctor Bunnigus: Yup, four times, and that's just tonight.
Schlock: Doc, that's a swarm of nanites and a naked, headless zombie.
Doctor Bunnigus: My brain is a dangerous place.
Schlock: Well, if you are dreaming, please stop, okay?
Elf If I smash the little hover-projector does the Koala-God feel pain?
Mob Thug: They're letting up. Cover me, I'm going to unleash some hell...
Chisulo: Hell already slipped its leash, Mr. Crunchy.
Bhotsu: I told the captain you probably wouldn't appreciate the cheek.
Emm: Commodore, in our zeal to not make the news, we have been timid and allowed our quarry to escape. We are fast approaching the end of our short list of non-newsworthy tactics. If you and the Captains under your command can find the Touch-And-Go without creating an incident, I will accept cheek, smack-talk, ribald humor and all manner of political incorrectness. If you cannot, however, I may be forced to charge this command into the Fleetmind's meat-grinder. If it should come to that, we shall all want your reservoirs of wit full to overflowing, that our last words may be clever and entertaining.
Tagon: It's not extortion if they pay you before you have a chance to properly threaten them.
Tagon: The opportunity to get paid by the enemy for extracting your own troops doesn't just knock on your door every day.
Kevyn: I say we invite opportunity inside for a nice cup of tea, then hit her on the head and steal her purse.
Thurl: Here's hoping she's got expensive tastes and a great credit rating.
Captain Gasca: Dehaans would have gift-wrapped Oisri for us by now. Colonel Krum is too cautious.
Colonel Krum: (from behind him) Maybe if Colonel Dehaans had been more cautious, he would be less dead.
Tagon: Also, let me know whether duct-taping a zombie counts as "desecrating a corpse" in your jurisdiction.
Ennesby: You lived to tell about it, so I guess you won?
Tagon: I haven't told anybody about it because we didn't win.
Ennesby: The fuzzy patch was a pack of flying carnivores that objected to being "sampled".
Captain Tagon: Ebby, don't worry about samples! If it's not safe, withdraw.
Ebbirnoth: It's raining samples, sir. We'll withdraw after the rain stops.
Ennesby: You wanted information. I think this picture paints a thousand words.
Elf: Get me more, because right now all I see is "Charlie Foxtrot" repeated five hundred times.
Sorlie: The splattered amorph has diplomatic immunity. I'd like to prevent an accident here.
Breya: If somebody splattered sergeant Schlock with explosives, I'd say there's already been an incident.
Sorlie: I mean one with warships and burning planets.
Breya: He gets those on himself sometimes, too.
Chester: When Tangent Breya asked for Sorlie's feeds to be secured in deep crypto, I don't think this is what she meant.
General Bala-amin: I'll be flushing the screen cache. The only copy will be in the brain of one old lady.
Chester: You don't own enough cats for that to be deep crypto.
Dr. Bunnigus: You mean, besides turning the entire population into a standing army of super-soldiers?
Dr. Bunnigus: No side effects. Clean as a razor sharp, double-edged sword-whistle.
Dr. Bunnigus: Human immortality was now tied to an application of very powerful weapons technology.
Dr. Bunnigus: The military research agency in control of the project did the only logical thing.
Breya: Oh let me guess... and I'm going to go with irony here: they kept it a secret "in order to save lives."
Dr. Bunnigus: Correct. Also, they deployed it so they could kill people.
Dr. Bunnigus: It's easier to talk someone into brain surgery than to convince them to read a book.
Chester: Acknowledged. Flattery will get you an expedited flight path.
Kathryn: (to Schlock) Setting aside the fact that we're in a stolen car, how were you able to even touch a moving car? These things are programmed too avoid collisions.
Sorlie: No, they're programmed to avoid injuries.
(both stare at Schlock)
Kathryn: You jumped into traffic without a flight belt.
delivery guy: (angrily) You can't just buy your way out of...
(looks at the number)
delivery guy: (with eyebrows significantly higher) I guess you can buy your way out of.
Kathryn: Wow. That bribe let you break the law and a prepositional phrase.
Sorlie: I have orders to leap from a moving limousine.
Murtaugh: I suppose I should be happy to see that you're back to obeying orders.
Sorlie: This isn't immoral. Merely illegal, and fun.
Sorlie: High-speed dismount?
Chester: Your uniform will protect you, but I should still throw you at something soft.
Sorlie: Aim for the amorph. He owes me a favor.
Chester: Squish for quo in three, two, one...
Admiral Emm: Exit strategies are for people who don't have battleplates.
Kowalski: I have personally exited two battleplates because of people who didn't have exit strategies.
Elizabeth: They can fly?
Kathryn: And they don't need to breathe.
Elizabeth: Evolution really shafted me.
Chisulo: That was an accident. The uplift folks ripped me off on purpose.
an Esspererin: We've seen holograms before. Does that Goddess thing actually work on people?
Chinook's giant avatar: ... you ask while sitting submissively and listening.
Admiral Devereaux: We have tactical projections that suggest otherwise.
Petey: I have tactical projections. You have wishful thinking, an abacus and some space-meeples.
Strohl Munitions: Leave a crater, not scorch marks.
Kathryn: Her entire cabin space is full of boiling water.
Kevyn: You do know that Maxim 32 does not actually prevent water damage?
Kathryn: I was applying Maxim 37 to fire suppression.
- ↑ The worst part is that that's an accurate statement.