Rome/Funny

• Pullo and Vorenus are marching back from Gaul, about to return to Rome.

Pullo: Here I come, girls! I'm gonna drink all the wine, smoke all the smoke, and fuck every whore in the city!
Vorenus: Show some dignity! You're under the standard!
Pullo: Me? What about him?
(He looks over, and sees their commander Mark Antony having rough sex with a woman behind a tree)

Vorenus: He's not, uh...under the standard.

• Mark Antony's rather strong pronouncement that he wants to stay in bed...

I'm not rising out of bed until I fuck someone.

• • Mirrored by Atia's "fine fine" answer:

Fine, fine. Merula, fetch that German slut from the kitchen.

• Pullo and Vorenus find that Pompey's troops have stopped defending the city.

Vorenus: This can only mean that the Republic has fallen!
Pullo: And yet, the sky is still above us and the earth still below. Strange.
Vorenus: If Mars were watching, he would never allow such dishonor.
Pullo: Maybe he was having a crap and missed it.

• Pullo giving Vorenus romantic advice.

Pullo: She's got this little spot right above her cunny, like a little bump. Now, attend to that little spot, and she'll open up to you like a flower.
Vorenus (horrified): How do you know this of her?
Pullo: All women have them! Ask anyone!