Police Academy/Funny

• Police Academy
  • Drop that stereo before I blow your goddamn nuts off, asshole.
• Police Academy 3: Back in Training
  • Zed making Sweetchuck's time during at the academy miserable.
    • Zed scares Sweetchuck with his flashlight, then shines it on his face.
    • Zed holding a tube of his shampoo in a way like he's holding a knife while Sweetchuck is in the shower.

Zed: You wanna borrow my shampoo?
Sweetchuck: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!

• • "Listen, the busboys are shoo--" [a gun points at his nose] "--ting my nose."
  • Proctor screaming in pain when the elevator closed.
    • He covers his head with the trash can lid he's using to cover his groin when a police car was nearby.
  • Proctor holding the mirror in front of Mauser in different directions, similar to the scene in Police Academy 2.

Proctor: Look at this. Look at this angle. Look it at this angle. All angle-
Mauser: I CAN'T SEE!!
Proctor: (giving him the mirror) It's yours!

• Police Academy 4: Citizens on Patrol
  • The scene where the inmates trick Proctor into releasing them, under the pretense that they are playing Simon Says:

Inmate: Simon says take two steps back!
[Proctor does so]
Inmate: Now put your hands up!
Proctor: Simon didn't say!
Another inmate: [puts his gun to Proctor's head] But Smith & Wesson did.

• • "DON'T TOUCH THOSE! DON'T YOU EVER TOUCH MY BALLS WITHOUT ASKING!"
• Police Academy 5: Assignment-Miami Beach
  • Sugar, the fat jewel thief, is eating a jelly doughnut, accidentally squirts one of the other two jewel thieves in the face.

Mouse: Egh, he squirted me with the donut!
Tony: [hitting him with a map] That's disgusting!
Sugar: I'm sorry!

• • Harris and Proctor's "private plane".

Proctor: This is great! Our very own airplane! Animals to play with!
Harris: Proctor, why do I put up with you?
Proctor: Because my sister married your nephew. So that makes us-
Harris: Shut up, Proctor! (three chickens jump down at him, in a row)
Proctor: I think they like you!

• • Dork.
  • The fat thief farted in the elevator, with the other crooks and hostage Lassard still inside.

Sugar: What? WHAT?!

• Police Academy 6: City Under Siege
  • Fackler playing pool. He hits one guy in the head with a ball, hits another guy in the groin with the stick, and hits another guy with it in the head.

Fackler: Its okay if you guys are tired. I'll shoot again.

• • This dialogue:

Ox: Knock knock.
Hightower: Who's there?
Ox: Boo.
Hightower: Boo who?

Ox: Quit crying. It'll be over in a moment.

Hightower: That's it!

Ox: Huh?

Hightower: Fighting is one thing, but bad jokes is where I draw the line.

[POOW]

• • The cadets seeing two Commissioner Hearsts.

Fake Hearst: That man is an imposter!
Real Hearst: Me? No! He's the imposter!
Harris: (and Proctor walks up to the Fake Hearst) Move it! Move it! Commissioner Hearst! These people have violated their suspensions, and I demand that they'd be brought up on charges!
Real Hearst: Oh Harris, shut up!
(Harris and Proctor looked behind him)
Fake Hearst: Oh shut up, Harris!
(Then quickly looks back)

• • Two of the Wilson Heights gang members get behind the car Harris and Proctor are in, sticking their tongues and making faces.

Harris: I have a sixth sense-
Proctor: Sir?
Harris: Will you let me finish? I have a sixth sense-
Proctor: But sir-
Harris: Will you let me finish? I have a sixth sense when it comes to-
Proctor: But sir-
Harris: Stop interrupting me! I have a sixth sense when it comes to crime!
(one of the gang members stick a raccoon tail on the car antenna and both wave good-bye. Proctor waves back)
Officer: You mean you were here during the robbery?
Harris: No, of course not!
Proctor: Yeah we were sir, they came and went just a few minutes ago. [overlapping with Harris] I tried to tell you. Don't you remember, when we were inside the car?
Harris: [overlapping with Proctor] Shut up, Proctor. Shut up, Proctor. Shut up. Shut up, shut up, shut up, shut up, shut up, shut up...
Harris: SHUT UP!

• • Harris is stuck in the hole and has to run at the truck's speed, Flintstones-style.

Proctor: You know, running is the best form of an aerobic exercise.

• • This scene tops it all.

Hearst: Thank you for your... contribution, Captain Harris.

• • Proctor picks up passengers while chasing after the Mastermind.

Harris: What... are you... doing!?
Proctor: I'm picking up passengers.
Harris: WHYY!?
Proctor: (takes a paper down) I have to, sir. They're on my route.
(crumples the paper and throws it to the ground)