If Bella Were Sane

If Bella Were Sane is a hilarious parody fanfiction of Twilight, written by a Deadpan Snarker. Read it here.

What if Bella were, well, sane? What if she had an ounce of rationality in her body? What if she kept a diary? This is what would happen. And yes, it is So Cool Its Awesome. After a couple of years of being a Dead Fic, the author has put up coverage of Eclipse (not really) and Breaking Dawn... And the Fandom Rejoiced.

Tropes used in If Bella Were Sane include:

• Betty and Veronica: Jacob is Betty, Edward is Veronica, and Bella is Archie. However, she isn't even remotely interested in Edward.
• Bishie Sparkle: Edward, but Bella takes it as a sign that he's gay. Much to her dismay, she's wrong.
• Cluster F-Bomb: Bella's reaction to her car breaking down just when she's trying to get away from Edward.

"Oh, fucking fuck. Just fan-fucking-tastic."

• Dead Fic: Finally, finally, finally subverted.
• Deadpan Snarker: Bella becomes one.

He [Edward] also says that we shouldn't be friends. O-kay, mister bipolar weirdo, fine with me. In fact, I'll help you with that venture by staying the hell away from you as much as possible.

• Damsel in Distress: Bella in the second chapter. Justified as she'd been dragged to Italy against her will and really had no control over the situation or any way to get home.
• Gosh Darn It to Heck: Averted-- Bella never once says, "Holy crow."
• Hopeless Suitor: Edward to Bella. Bella finds him creepy as all hell, but he's convinced that she loves him.
• I Reject Your Reality: Edward doesn’t seem to listen, when Bella says she doesn’t love him back.
• Kaleidoscope Eyes: Edward. In Bella's words:

The hell? Does he have colored contacts? How many pairs do you need?

• Kissing Cousins: Bella suspects that the Cullens are this, due to the fact that they all look alike.
• Love Triangle: Once again, the classic Bella/Edward/Jacob, but in this case, Edward's not really even in the equation at all.
• Not So Above It All: Bella absolutely freaks out when she discovers may have married Edward.
• Only Sane Man: Bella.
• Sanity Slippage: Bella in chapter 4, calling the dates, "Day Who Cares" and "Day Fuck the World." This only gets worse when she finds out that she may have married Edward. After the marriage is annulled, she calms down.
• Stalking Is Love: Averted-- Bella finds it creepy.
• Stalker with a Crush: Edward, of course.
• Take That: Bella happens to have a very Mormon and very loopy aunt named Stephenie who finds Edward forcefully marrying Bella "romantic."