Full House/Funny

• When Jesse and Joey find Danny just rubbing suds around at the sink:

Jesse: Joey, it's finally happened. He's cleaning liquid soap.
Danny: Don't be silly, I am just cleaning my rubber gloves.
Joey: Danny, there is no shame in therapy.

• At the end of an episode that aired around Halloween 1989, D.J. and Stephanie have made up after the sibling conflict of the week. What's funny is they're dressed in certain costumes for a party, and when Danny sees them embracing he says: "Awwww, Batman hugging the Joker! Now that's the way the movie should have ended!"
• When Danny, hyper from taste-testing coffee all day, is failing to get the cappuccino machine started the night Jesse's nightclub opens:

Jesse: Danny, I told you, just read! The! Instructions!
Danny: They're! In! Italian!

• Stephanie: Just the wind? Just the wind?! It's never JUST THE WIND!
• The ENTIRE episode where Becky goes into labor is a CMOF, especially when Jesse becomes delirious after having his appendix removed.

Jesse: (Dazed. Singing) Having my baby...
Becky: SHUT UP!
Jesse: (dazed) Thanks, Donny.
Danny: Close enough.

• Also the entire episode "Secret Admirer," where Rusty sends a fake love letter to DJ. Hilarity Ensues.

Michelle: Everything went bananas!

• • When everyone's thoughts are heard...even Comets!

Comet: Gee, I hope somebody drops a hamburger.

• And when Becky tried to tell Jesse she was pregnant through a game of Pictionary... and maybe the scene before that.
• "Bicycle Thief"
  • Danny trying to stop Mrs. Caruthers from entering the kitchen where the stolen bikes are, not knowing the bikes are already upstairs. He ran to the kitchen before her...

Danny: Wait! Don't go in there! Move em! Move em! Move... [finds only Kimmy in the kitchen] Moving on up! To the eastside! To the deluxe apartment in the sky!

• • This dialogue:

Steph: Guys, check this out! Three other pink bikes got swiped!
Kimmy: That's why we're here, small fry!
Steph: How comforting, slim-jim.

• • Also this one:

Steve: Little Ruthie Bell went in to get her very first library card, and some goon napped her bike. Says here said she lost her zest for reading.
Danny: She's zestless?!

• • • More hilarious, earlier, when Danny realized he stolen the girl's bike near the library, he worries she'll be traumatized to the point of being turned off by reading forever.
  • The police sketch of Uncle Jesse.

D.J.: Look at this guy who took the Schultz's bike! He looks exactly like Uncle Je--
Danny: Uncle Seymour! Hey, he looks exactly like Uncle Seymour. If he weren't a priest in Athens, he would be a suspect. (whispering) Take these up to Uncle Seymour.
Steph: Who?
Danny: Just do it.

• • • D.J., Steve, and Steph went up to Michelle's room to find Jesse and Joey with three pink bikes.

Steph: What are these bikes doing here?
D.J.: You're Uncle Seymour!
Steve: I thought he was in Greece.
Jesse: (looking at his description) Doesn't look anything like me! The sideburns are totally unbalanced!

• • Mrs. Caruthers "interrogating" Danny.

Danny: For the 100th time, I don't know anything!
Mrs. Caruthers: I don't believe!
Danny: It's the truth, I tell ya!
Mrs. Caruthers: You meant to tell me... that Joey never mentioned me?

• "Greek Week":

Silvio: I am ready to learn the family business. What do you do for job?
Danny: I have a talk show.
Silvio: Well, I will study hard, and when you die, I will take over.
Danny: I will never die.

• In "Play It Again, Jesse", Joey has a stiff neck throughout the episode.

Danny: (Joey is stuck facing up) What are we looking at?
Jesse: (Joey is stuck facing down) Did you lose something?
Joey: Yeah, the use of my neck.

• • Steph accidentally spilled mustard on DJ's sweater she's wearing.

Michelle: She's gonna have a cow!
Steph: Tell me something I don't know!
Michelle: Yesterday, I dropped your toothbrush in the toilet.

• • Joey got his neck fixed, he just has to not make sudden movements. Then, when Michelle comes wearing DJ's sweater which got shrunk in the washing machin...

Michelle: Look, it fits me!
Steph: Michelle!
Joey: (turns his head to the right) What?! Aah, I just threw my neck out again.
Joey (as Woodchuck): Way to go, stupid.

• • An airport bar patron noticed Joey is staring at him.

Guy: What are you staring at?
Joey: I'm not staring, I just have a stiff neck.
Guy: Want me to adjust it for you?
Joey: I'll just adjust my chair. (turns his chair around)

• • • Later, Joey goes to the restroom and walked pass that guy, Joey covers his eyes.
• In "Tanner Island", when they see their boat floating away.

Danny: [runs towards the water] Come back!
[Jesse follows him]
Becky: You'll never catch that boat!
Jesse: I don't wanna catch the boat! I wanna catch Danny!

• • The Clipboard of Fun keeps coming back to shore.
• In "The Day of the Rhino":

Steph: I think I saw an 800 number in the package.
Michelle: We don't have time to dial 800 numbers!

• The entirety of Incredibly Fantastic Discoveries in "The Prying Game".
• "Comet's Excellent Adventure":
  • Michelle explaining where Comet ran away to.

Michelle: He went that way chasing a humongous wiener!
Steph: Yeah right, with a real giant bun.
Michelle: You saw it too?
Michelle: Jesse said I could walk him and he ran away chasing a giant hot dog.
Steph: Would you stop with the stupid story already?
Michelle: I told you for the millionth, it's true!
DJ: Look, I don't care if he was chasing a giant fruit cup!
Michelle: Why would he chase a fruit cup? He likes hot dogs.
DJ: Whatever!

• • Jesse: "I should have known! The first rule of physics: idiots and electronics don't mix!"
    • After realizing he gave Michelle permission to walk Comet. "I'm an idiot." *a spark from an amplifier*
• In "Danny's Home", Joey tries to sneak back inside. When he passes a Santa ornament...

Jesse: Ho ho ho. [Jesse comes from behind the Santa] It's your last Christmas.

• At the beginning of "Jesse's Girl", Jesse tries to bash Joey's head with a bat. He denies this, claiming he heard a burglar break in.

Jesse: [playing his guitar] She's a wo-man. No. She's a la-dy. No! She's a mu-cha-cha. [stops] Maybe she's a man.

• "Sisterly Love"
  • "Jealous!" "Thief!" "Jealous!" "Thief!"
  • "Stephanie Anne Judith." "Donna Jo Margaret."
  • DJ using the exercise bicycle while still angry at Steph. She's using it really fast.

"I know what you're gonna say. I'm wrong, you're right, I don't care!"

• "A Pox in Our House"

Joey: Where's a pen when you need one.
[Steph throws a pen from her hiding place.]

• • Steph tries to sneak out, but then Jesse watches her. Steph changes her voice to a high squeak and pretends to be a "friend named Carol".

Jesse: Ohhh! I could have sworn it was Lauren Bacall.

• In "Mad Money", Danny tells Jesse, who plans to go on stage as an Elvis impersonator, the family won't laugh at him. Joey comes, looks at Jesse, and walks out laughing.
• "Cutting It Close"

DJ: I can't believe you did that.
Jesse: Whatcha do?
DJ: (saying it for the fourth time) I can't believe you did that.
Steph: I can't believe you're still saying that!
DJ: [seeing Joey with a hair net and painted toenails] I believe she did that.

• • Broken-armed Jesse making a simple bowl of cereal.

Jesse: What's a matter? Ever seen a grown man eat a bowl of cereal before?
Danny: Not like a Great Dane.

• In "Middle Age Crazy", Jesse and Joey are having a hard time coming up with a jingle. A frustrated Joey throws crumbled paper at Jesse who is on the phone. After getting off the phone:

Jesse: (throwing trash at Joey) YOU! ARE SO! IM-MATURE!

• In "Blast from the Past", Kimmy gets DJ and Steph stuck with magic handcuffs and can't get them out. So they have to wait for Kimmy's older brother to return while hiding this from everyone. They end up sleeping on the same bed. The next day, Kimmy tells them her brother won't be back for a while.

Steph: YOU CAN'T GET THE KEY? Let me at her!
[everyone sees the handcuffs]
Danny: Kimmy, did you handcuff my daughters together?
Kimmy: Boy, nothing gets by you.
Kimmy: (after Jesse pulls a switcheroo) I'm stuck!
Danny: Boy, nothing gets by you.

• In "Sisters in Crime", Danny begins interrogating Stephanie and Michelle as to why they are being extra greedy from DJ, and Michelle's confession of something else entirely and Danny's subsequent response are priceless.

Michelle: I confess, I used your toothbrush to brush Comet's teeth!
Danny: Ugh!

• In "Fraternity Reunion":

Danny: I'll have my parole officer call your parol officer.

• Becky and Danny's commercial rehearsal in "Good News, Bad News".
• In the episode "Working Girl", Polite Police Michelle asked Steph if she can have her cupcake. Steph appreciate her politeness, and politely said no.

Michelle: Guess what... (gives back the cardboard star) Politeness Week is over! (grabs Steph's cupcake and ran)
Steph: (runs after her) How rude!

• Ginger the chimp spanks Jesse in the rear in "Too Much Monkey Business".
• Kimmy and Steph constantly bicker in "The Devil Made Me Do It".

Kimmy: Are you calling me dumb?
Steph: You're so dumb you don't know how dumb you are.
Kimmy: I know how dumb I am. You're the one who's dumb. D-U-M. Dumb.
DJ: Kimmy, there's a 'B'.
Kimmy: Where?!
Steph: I'm ordering a pizza. This could take months.
Kimmy: Years.
Steph: Centuries!
Kimmy: Infinity!
Steph: Double infinity!
Kimmy: Triple infinity...

• • The look on Good!Michelle's face when Bad!Michelle says "Na na na na..." to her face.
• "Come Fly With Me"
  • The look on the family's faces when they see DJ and Steve kiss.
  • Through the whole episode, Michelle says something dumb and keeps missing the point.
    • Talking to a cute boy:

Steph: We've been to know-where's-ville.
Michelle: Is that where i got sick in the car?
Steph: (pushed Michelle to the chair) Hehe. Kids.

• • • Greeting the kids on the plane:

Steph: (shaking hands) Stephanie Tanner. USA.
Michelle: (shaking hands) Michelle Tanner. C-A-T.
Steph: Michelle!
Michelle: (shrug) That's all I can spell.
Michelle: Steph, do they have ice cream in New Zealand?
Steph: I don't know. I never been to New Zealand.
Michelle: Oh. But you think they might, right?
Steph: Who cares? We're going to jail!
Michelle: Oh, right. Do they have ice cream in jail?
Steph: (frustrated) Try to stay with me. We are looking at hard time!
Michelle: We'll be driving six-wide horses when she comes!
Kids: Hee-haw!
Michelle: We'll be driving six-wide horses when she comes!
Kids: Hee-haw!
Michelle: (to Steph) I think somebody for got to sing the "hee-haws".
Steph: When dad gets a hold of us, we'll be singing "we'll be grounded for life".
Michelle: We'll be grounded for life when he comes!
Kids: Hee-haw!
(Stephanie sighs in frustration)

• • • Steph tells Michelle to pretend to be sad so Danny would feel sorry for them.

Michelle: Bye Suzy!
Steph: Michelle!
Michelle: (being "sad") I mean, bye Suzy.
[Steph's plan didn't work]
Michelle: I don't think they bought it.

• • • Grounded in their rooms.

Steph: Anymore questions?
Michelle: Yes, why do grown-ups have hair on their noses?
(I wonder if she's referring to Suzy the stewardess?)
DJ: I have a question. Are you nuts? Why did you get on a plane to New Zealand?
Michelle: That's two questions.

• • Becky decided to give Danny and DJ space for them to talk:

Becky: Let's go call Aunt Ida.
Jesse: Why? (Becky grabs his ear) Ow!
Becky: You too. (Becky grabs Joey's ear)
Joey: Ow! I don't have an Aunt Ida!

• • Danny: "Coffee is just water with beans. But chocolate milk does a body good."
  • When Steph and Michelle learn where the plane is heading:

Steph: Auckland, New Zealand?
Michelle: Fourteen hours?
Both: (as the plane takes off) AAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!

• "Super Bowl Fun Day"

DJ: Excuse me for just one second. (runs over to the living room door) SHUT UP!! (comes back in and smiles nervously) I just had to clear my throat there.
College interviewer: What are you guys are doing here?
Bartender: It's because of Beavis and Butthead!
Jesse: Don't blame, Butt-Head. (points at Joey) It's all Beavis' fault.