Fuck the Jesus Beam

The setting is a crossover between Sonic the Hedgehog and Tengen Toppa Gurren Lagann. The Genres are apparently western and tragedy, although the western is exactly nonexistent. It is a tragedy that someone decided to write it, however.

The story starts with Kaminic, a fusion of Sonic and Kamina fighting things called Bombignats, poorly defined metallic creatures of some sort later described as "chaotic shell entities of BaROCK O.B.A.M.A."

If you want sanity, this is the wrong place to find it. If you want coherence, you have to wait until chapter nine. If you want a sprawling, sometimes epic, oftentimes incoherent narrative about a struggle for existence itself fought at the heart of all reality, you've come to the right place.

This is Fuck the Jesus Beam. This is the story of a war against destiny fought on the grandest of scales.

Victory is not guaranteed.

It can be found at several locations on the Internet, with the main version here and the backup here.

Tropes used in Fuck the Jesus Beam include:
  • A God Am I: Kaminic and O.B.A.M.A. Create entire universes in the same chapter. O.B.A.M.A. creates his because it apparently offers privacy. That's the only reason. Kaminic creates a universe for the sole purpose of using the moment when it dies to launch hundreds of big bangs at O.B.A.M.A.
  • Alliteration: Jokeless Jason the Jackass, a nickname for someone the author doesn't like, gets killed by O.B.A.M.A
  • Akashic Records: Lordguckles accesses this and uses it to fill himself in on what's happening. Then, he edits it.
  • Alien Geometries: Αδιβ is revealed to work like this in chapter 13.
  • Arc Number: Two. They both first appear in chapter 3, which had two names.
    • 1492. Appears in chapter three, the number of Big Bangs Kaminic launches, the number of EVAs Niamy has, BaROCK's home base is called Αδιβ, the first, fourth, ninth, and second letters of the Greek alphabet. 1492, when you read it's odd numbered digits yields 19, the Arc Number from Stephen King's The Dark Tower. When the even numbered digits are read, it yields 42, the Arc Number from The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy. Adding the digits to each other results in 16, which is the square of four, which is in the second position (2*2=4, 4*4=16).
    • 1942. Appears around the antagonists, especially Epidemia. It doesn't show up as much as the other one.
  • Apocalypse How: Class X-5. By the protagonists. O.B.A.M.A. wants Class Z.
  • Badass Army: The Legio Cornu, which are "elite beyond elite" and armed with nuclear assault rifles.
  • Badass Boast: In chapter eight. Also falls under Wham! Line in context.

O.B.A.M.A.: "You," he said, "You're..."
Kaminic: "The only Absolution given form. The Former God of Water. The Aspect of Evolution. The Name of A Thousand Suns. I am the Alpha and Omega, Beginning and End, I am HE Who is CALLED I AM, you arrogant bastard. I am the Logos, the Garden, the Primal Meme. I am Kaminic. And," I said, twisting through fivespace in less than an instant, coming out right behind the Man who had become a God, "I am your death."

  • Badass Crew: Of the NSV Normandy, which is "filled with the greatest warriors of a million worlds". Specific characters include: Darth Vader, Lillith and Shinji Ikari (yes, you read that correctly), Maeve, and others.
  • Batman Gambit: To kill O.B.A.M.A. the protagonists lock him away in hibernation and turn his own ability, Erasure, against him. O.B.A.M.A. concedes that the plan was brilliant, but in the end it backfires by corrupting the main characters, driving them insane, and eventually causing Niamy to release him.
  • Black and Gray Morality: O.B.A.M.A. is clearly evil, but the heroes do some quite disturbing things to stop him, including sacrificing a puppy. The story later shifts more towards Black and Pitch-Black Morality.
  • Brainwashed: Kaminic
  • Colonel Badass: CDR John Shephard.
  • Cluster F-Bomb: Quite a few, especially "MOTHERFUCKING END EDN OF CHAPTER FUCK"
  • Colon Cancer: "CHAPTER JESUS: NEO: PAGAN FAGGOTS"
  • Country Matters: How the author addresses the reader in the intros to several of the chapters. Or so it seems, until it's revealed what he actually means by that....
  • Crack Fic: A crossover between Sonic the Hedgehog and TTGL set in a frozen wasteland somewhere in five dimensional space where the heroes fight against Bombignats and ten foot tall infernal fetuses and Barack Obama is an genocidal maniac. Oh, and Mass Effect is now being mixed in, too. And more recently, Harry Potter as well. But not just any Harry Potter. Lovepoint has seen fit to crossover with a more or less canon Harry Potter world... That is in the process of being taken over over by Tara. Which Tara? This Tara.
  • Crossover: Between Sonic the Hedgehog and Tengen Toppa Gurren Lagann and eventually, Harry Potter. Unlike most crossovers, this is unique in that the characters from both universes are fused together, and Kamina eventually separates from Sonic.
  • Doomsday Device: The Υισηθα Ρδιοσ.
  • Eldritch Abomination: Several examples:
    • Bombignats and Bomgreatnats.
    • The Fetii Inferna and Syphilae Maxia.
    • The Nanodemons.
    • The everything in the Fifth Dimension.
    • The Nameless Abominations.
    • C'thulu
    • Nyalathotep.
    • O.B.A.M.A.
    • R.E.A.G.A.N.
  • Eldritch Location: Ultima Grey and by extension, Αδιβ are definitely examples. Just being there nearly drives Shepard insane.
  • Enemy Mine: Lordguckles decides to work with Niamy's forces against O.B.A.M.A.
    • And it is now heavily implied that that character was only ever an antagonist because O.B.A.M.A.'s powers were driving everyone insane. See Batman Gambit.
  • Fun with Acronyms: In the beginning of every chapter, in the A/N, LOVEPOINT33 writes something like: "sup CUNTS?" with "Cunts" always in allcaps. In chapter three, it is revealed that CUNTS is an acronym for: "Cool Understanding Never Terrorizing Superpeople".
  • Jaywalking, Loitering, and Genocide: BaROCK Dominatus Caesar Inferno Vespucci Giovanni Goku Super Sexy Awesome Absolute GOD O.B.A.M.A. is a KenyaN terrorist who became the president of the United States, serves over ten thousand terms in office, and initiated NINETY FOUR world wars. Also, he'd really like to destroy all reality.
  • Know When to Fold'Em: Kamina retreats from the Old Ones with Simon.
  • Meaningful Name Eien Chiru Gurren Lagann
  • Nice Job Breaking It, Hero: Niamy releases O.B.A.M.A. to deal with the Bombingnats, only for him to take control of them.
    • Kamina releases the Old Ones because he wanted to save face in front of Simon to uphold his reputation as a badass..
  • Nice Job Fixing It, Villain: O.B.A.M.A. causes Kaminic to recover his identity and free will.
  • Omnicidal Maniac: BaROCK to a T.
  • Old Shame: "CHAPTER RAGE: FUCKFUCKFUCKFUCK", in which O.B.A.M.A., infuriated by Niamy asking for his help, kills "Jokeless Jason the Jackass," (Based on someone with the user name "Jason Carter", who criticized the story in a forum) has since been deleted.
  • Out of Focus: Kaminic for much of the fic, after he gets Brainwashed.
  • People Jars: One contains O.B.A.M.A.
  • Refuge in Vulgarity: An essential element from chapter to chapter, and whenever Kaminic spouts a line.
  • Rule of Cool: If it would be cool, then the laws of physics don't matter. Ever.
  • Switching POV: Beginning in chapter nine, it happens mid-chapter, but previous ones were narrated by Kaminic, Lordguckles, O.B.A.M.A. or Niaamy, depending on who the focus was on at the moment.
  • Took a Level in Badass: Niamy, The Nia-Amy Hybrid singlehandedly takes out one of the ten foot tall demon Fetii, weathers a dimension made of congealed insanity twice, is a necromancer, and can summon the Legio Cornu. Also, Simaoils and Lordguckles revert to "Pure" as opposed to "Corrupted" forms, also being renamed to Simon Prower and Knuckles, Lordover Genome respectively.
  • The Motherfucking End: All the chapters end with "MOTHERFUCKING END OF CHAPTER (NAME)," and the fics he's finished also have this to show when the story's over.
  • Troll Fic: This fic may or may not be one, but several of the author's fics indisputably are, given that they're about as incoherent and vulgar as some of the author's notes in this one.
  • Viewers Are Geniuses: Hints of it in the earlier chapters, goes into full force in when the crossover expands to include Xeelee Sequence.
  • Wave Motion Gun: Starbreakers, which are "lased gravity".
  • Wham! Line: O.B.A.M.A. reveals his true intentions.

O.B.A.M.A.: " Are you kidding me, girl? I've been in stasis for over a HUNDRED MILLION YEARS. If anyone threatens my domain, they -will- die. But first, I shall reclaim it."

<|Fanfic|>

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