< Epic Rap Battles of History

Epic Rap Battles of History/Awesome


Really almost every single line can be considered one, given the context, but people still have their favorites:

  • Beethoven's first stanza, but especially his first line.
    • Beethoven, period. What makes this really impressive is that Beethoven was commonly reported to be a hothead. Certainly shows here.
      • "You want to be a little white Usher? Here, show 'em to their seats!"
      • "You wanna trade blows? You can't even hit puberty!"
      • "Sit down son and let me give you a music lesson/ask Bach, I've got more cock than Smith & Wesson!"
    • Even Justin Bieber gets "Here's some aspirin; you're catchin' Bieber Fever tonight!"
      • Another one from Bieber to Beethoven "When's the last time your music got anybody laid?"
    • "I'm commitin' verbal murder in the major third degree! My name is Beethoven, mother-fucker, maybe ya heard of me?"
    • I've crafted masterpieces that will last throughout the ages! Your music gets you bitches on your Facebook pages!"
  • Hawking delivers one hell of a zinger in the last stanza of 7. You'll know it when you hear it.
    • Really, the entirety of episode 7. The two characters weren't horribly mismatched in terms of rhythm and lyrical skill, unlike some other match-ups (*cough*LincolnvsNorris*cough*). Both characters deliver very intelligent lines, and the auto-tune job on Hawking's voice was a nice touch.
    • "I'll school you anywhere: MIT to Oxford! All your fans will be like 'Um, that was Hawk-ward...' I'm as dope as two rappers, you better be scared, 'cause that means Albert E equals MC SQUARED!"
  • Macho Man taking over for Hulk Hogan after Kim Jong-Il injures him with a missile launcher.
    • The very fact that the rocket doesn't turn Hulk Hogan into giblets could be seen as a CMOA.
    • Then when Vince Offer takes over for Billy Mays after the tragic death. He means business.
  • Napoleon Bonaparte's last line.

You're the only type of dynamite that's never going to bang!

    • Napoleon Dynamite's line about "Waterloo, Pt.2" wasn't so bad either.
    • I don't even care how many, like, stupid Prussians you killed/'Cause to me, you're just the emperor of the LOLLYPOP GUILD!
  • I AM CHUCK FUCKING NORRIS!!!! I'VE SPREAD MORE BLOOD AND GORE THAN FORTY SCORE OF YOUR PUNY CIVIL WARS BITCH!!!1!!
    • I've read up on your facts; you cure cancer with your tears? Well tell me, Chuck, how come you never sat down and cried on your career?
      • I never told a lie and I won't start now; you're a horse with a limp, I'll put you DOWN!
      • The fact that Lincoln, knowing what godlike entity he was facing, showed no fear, and tore Chuck's cred to shreds in minutes, makes fun of everything he represents, and counters Chuck's first verse by simply yelling the whole thing at the top of his lungs and repeating verse #1, simply Up to Eleven.
  • Genghis Khan's laugh.
    • "You've got two giant ears but can't hear that you suck" was a pretty awesome line too.
    • "The Great Waaaaaall couldn't keep you outta China! Watch me rub my foot for luck and stick it right up your vagina!!"
    • "From Poland to Korea I ravaged the land, now my DNA's in dudes from New York to Japan".
    • Easter my ass, you're not in the Bible/You're a fluffy bitch mascot for Hallmark in denial!
  • Gandalf vs. Dumbledore. Just when it looks like Gandalf had the definite upper hand with lines like "your ass is like Gringotts, everyone makes a deposit/ We all know you've more than a boggart in your closet", Dumbledore comes back with this:

The prophecy forgot to mention this day
When I knocked your ass back to Gandalf the Grey!
Check your status, they call me headmaster, you're nothing!
Nice staff, you Compensating for Something?

    • Mind you, this is complete with Dumbledore literally knocking Gandalf back from White to Grey. To give you an idea of what this means: the Supreme God and Creator of Gandalf's universe gave him the power-up to Gandalf the White so that Gandalf could accomplish his mission, and Dumbledore undid it with a swing of his wand.
      • Gandalf then comes back with:

I'LL TIE A NEW KNOT IN YOUR BEARD
WITH YOUR WRINKLY BALLS,
FOR I AM THE ONE RAPPER
TO RULE THEM ALL!

    • Just Gandalf starting off with "YOU SHALL NOT PASS!" is pure awesome.
    • "You think your little hairy-toed friends are gonna harm me? Wait'll you get a taste of DUMBLEDORE'S ARMY."
  • William Shakespeare's rapid-fire rhyming. It's so awe-inspiring that his opponents spend a moment in shocked silence.
    • Even his slow rhymes do some damage despite the choppy delivery:

My rhymes are classic, your crap is drafted
By a kindergartener high on acid

I'll put a slug between your shoulder-blades
Then ask what light through yonder poser breaks

I would not, could not, on a boat, read any of the boring-ass plays you wrote!

      • And...

You leave a classroom looking like the end of Macbeth!

  • Mr. Rogers telling Mr. T to get in his van and to get the fuck out of his neighborhood.
    • Mr. Rogers also spends Mr. T's first verse casually changing his shoes, paying no attention, then proceeds to call Mr. T too dumb to spell RIGHT UP TO HIS FACE.
    • Mr. T, meanwhile, gets "So before you come to battle with your PBS crap, how 'bout I call up CPS about them kids on your lap, fool?!"
  • Hearing Darth Vader call Hitler a bitch may be the greatest thing ever recorded to film.
    • "SUCK MY ROBOT BALLS!!"
    • "A little carbonite bath, for your goose-stepping ass/ We'll call my homeboy in Israel, see who got the last laugh"
    • "You use the force to move objects, I AM A FORCE TRULY EVIL, I even went back in time and turned you vack in ze prequel!"
    • "You stink, Vader, your style smells something sour/ You need to wash up, dawg. Here, step in my shower!"
    • "I AM ADOLF HITLER! Commander of the Third Reich! Little-known fact: ALSO DOPE ON ZE MIC!"
  • "I'll stick a flag up your ass and CLAIM YOU FOR SPAIN!"
    • "You know... Rapping against you, it's not even fun. It's like someone set your BRAIN on stun." Also, trying to leave after his first line.
    • "Why don't you boldly go to some place you've never gone before, like India? Or any destination you actually set sail for?"
    • "I'll double-fist-punch you, you slave-making bitch! Now take your genocidal ass off of my bridge."
    • "You spaghetti-eating FUCK."
    • "I'll be chilling in my spaceship - have fun canoeing."
    • "I've got a neck chop for Spock, I'll put a sword through Sulu". He does just that while he's saying it.
  • I'm surprised this hasn't been put yet: John Lennon ending his second stanza in his rap battle against Bill O'Reilly by telling him to shut the fuck up.
    • "Well, ya can't buy me love/But I'll kick your ass for free."
  • Hate him or not, you have to admit it was a real Not So Harmless moment on Bieber's part when he threatened Beethoven that he'd catch his fever, and then Beethoven showed signs of actual illness.
  • Darth Vader VS Adolf Hitler... rematch.
    • Vader gets one right away: "Someone who loathes you, bitch! Now stand up and rhyme! I only thawed you out so I could beat your ass a second time!"
      • The whole flipping-him-on-his-ass thing helped too.
    • Vader removing his helmet for a brief moment.
    • "Ask Indiana Jones who the fuck I am, I spit sick shit so focused, I break your concentration camp!"
      • "I strike back hard against a Nazi! Brain toss your ass in the air...Yahtzee!"
    • Hitler, despite having been just recently unfrozen, came back strong... Until being dropped into the Rancor Pit, that is.
    • "You got one bitch pregnant, then gave into the hate / Now you're 6'6" and black but can't get a date!"
      • "Where is ze DJ?"
    • "Everything you do is an epic fail! / Now stand at attention, and sieg fucking heil!"
      • After noting that "You couldn't even get your son into the family business."
    • "You look stressed, Vader/You appear to be in pain/You need a vacation/Here, take a trip on my train."
    • Steven Hawking making another appearance, supposedly being The Dragon to Vader now.
  • Master Chief vs. Leonidas
    • "300 asses need a kicking, give more teabags than Lipton, so why don't you quit your bitching, my trigger finger's itching."
    • Master Chief gets kicked into the Hole, like so many Persians before him. Not a problem, he just levitates out of it.
    • Leonidas: "I don't need firepower when I'm rocking these guns!"
      • "SPARTANS! LET'S START THIS! SHOW THIS PETTY OFFICER WHO'S THE HARDEST!"
      • "I'd look you in the eyes, but you're too much of a BITCH TO SHOW YOUR FACE!"
      • "Your armor's hard, but my abs are harder! You're in my hood now, Chief: This Is Sparta"
      • And when he says his abs are harder, he proves it by breaking a vase over his abs.
      • "Not. So. Fast."
      • "Cortana says you're Greek, so why don't you stick these lyrics up your ass?"
      • "They shoulda thrown your rhymes over the cliff because they're sickly. You may not enjoy this, but it will be over quickly."
    • "While you and your companions were all camping in a canyon, took a campaign to your house and showed your queen my plasma cannon!"
  • From Mario Bros vs. Wright Bros...

    Wilbur: We'll be pressing all your buttons like we're the controller,
    Orville: Conquer every level of your 2D scroller,
    Wilbur: You talk a lot of trash, but let me tell you somethin'...
    Orville: We're gonna beat you so fast,
    Both: It's like we're holding down the B Button!

      • Also:

    Orville: You shoulda-woulda-coulda come to lose an extra life!
    Wilbur: So just dudda-dudda-dudda...

    Both: Back down in your pipe!

      • "You think we're scared of two idiots addicted to shrooms?!"
      • For the Mario Bros:

    Luigi: We've been dropping Bob-Ombs since we started this song!
    Mario: Sorry, Wright Bros...
    Mario & Luigi: This time, you chose wrong!

        • "Itsa-me, Mario..." "AND LUIGI, MOTHA****A!"

    Mario: We're serving up an 8-bit fist!
    Luigi: MADE TO ORDER!
    Mario: That'll knock ya off the back of your own stupid quarters!

        • "Like POOOOOOW!!"

    Luigi: HOW YOU LIKE ME NOW?
    Mario: Spit flames out our mouth
    Both: Like our name was Bow---SER

    • Sarah Palin to Lady Gaga: "Your music doesn't scare me, I'm a mother of five! I killed moose with my bare hands before you were alive!"
      • "Oh boy. Look what we have here? A transvestite with a keyboard trying to be freak of the year."
      • Gaga to Palin: "You are the sum of everything I despise, with the most dysfunctional family since the Jackson fucking Five!"
      • "Just trust me, your 15 minutes of fame came and went. Go back to your igloo; spend some time with your kids before they're pregnant."
    • Benjamin Franklin vs. Billy Mays and Vince Offer:
      • "I'm big Ben Franklin and this shan't be pretty. Let me instruct you how we battle in the city of Philly."
      • "You couldn't sell Rick James a bag of crack; you're out of practice. My victory's more certain than death or taxes."
      • "Call me Arthur Miller son, cause it's Death of a Salesman."
      • "I'm mint. I'm money! I'm an educated gentleman."
      • Billy Mays got this:

    "I'M LORD OF THE PITCH! And leader in home sales. You're just a lumpy pumpkin who invented the mail! Benny's got kite 'n key, but you're in for a shock when I strike you with bolts from my LIGHTNING ROD COCK!

      • Vince Offer got "Your boy George chopped down trees, you couldn't chop a piece of balsa! Slap chop your face, make a double chin salsa!"
      • "Vince against a Founding Father is just too bad, 'cause after this America is gonna lose a dad."
        • Which is said as Vince takes off his belt.
    • Michael Jackson VS Elvis Presley in general is frickin' amazing, but if you want specific moments:
      • MJ got "I'm the King of Pop, you're the King of Jelly Rolls!" in his first verse, and "Whoopin' your big fat ass with my shiny glove!" in his second verse.
      • Most of Elvis's second verse is full of these, but especially his Screw This, I'm Outta Here at the end.
        • From his first verse: "I stole from black culture; why are you offended?"
        • "Your daddy beat gold records outta you like alchemy / don't make me spank you and dangle your ass over a balcony, Uh-huh!"
        • Heck, his opening line: "I may have died on the shitter/but I don't give a crap."
    • Cleopatra vs Marilyn Monroe. Cleopatra makes fun of Marilyn's miscarriages, and she...does not react kindly.

    Marilyn Monroe: TRANSLATE THIS INTO HIEROGLYPHS! YOUR SANDY VAGINA HAS A SEVEN YEAR ITCH!

      This article is issued from Allthetropes. The text is licensed under Creative Commons - Attribution - Sharealike. Additional terms may apply for the media files.