Dragon Age: Origins/Funny


Dragon Age: Origins

  • Early in the game, when you arrive in Lothering after Flemeth rescues you from Ostagar.

Morrigan: Ah, so you have finally decided to rejoin us, have you? Falling on your blade in grief seemed like too much trouble, I take it?
Alistair: Is my being upset so hard to understand? Have you never lost someone important to you? Just what would you do if your mother died?
Morrigan: Before or after I stopped laughing?
Alistair: Right... very creepy. Forget I asked.

  • Playing as a Dwarf Noble, if you choose to explore the Diamond Quarter, speaking to the magic merchant causes him to faint from the honour of meeting you.
  • "Yes....swooping is bad."
    • "You're some sort of...sneaky...witch-thief!"
  • Leliana's comment when you enter the Templar Quarters in the Circle Tower during the Broken Circle quest and walk past a pillar covered with the Blight (which manifests as a pink & bruise-coloured, fleshy, cancerous-looking tumour that grows on stone in areas where there was a lot of darkspawn, and if your PC stands near enough makes these squishy sounds like growing flesh).

Leliana: "No...ugh... I'm going to have nightmares after this.

    • Shale's reaction wins points for sheer deadpan:

Shale: It's as if a flesh creature exploded all over the room. Fascinating.

    • Later when encountering the Sloth Demon, everyone else becomes dizzy, while Shale just stands and says "Frozen again, brilliant."
  • Leliana's story about Bon-Bon, Lady Cecile's dog. "Bon-Bon flew across the room and over the bannister! He survived. But he never came near me after that."
  • The cut-scene just after you wake Shale up and leave Honneleath, Shale stops for a moment, considers a chicken clucking near it, we cut to the backs of the other party members walking away when the ground shakes. They turn back around to Shale, standing over a huge blood splatter on the ground, gives a small shrug and a look that says "What?!"
    • When you remove her from the party selection: "Pigeon crap." For a golem who's been a statue for the past 30 years, it's pretty appropriate.
  • Being Oghren's wingman:

The Warden: (Persuade/Lie) "We have to go, Oghren. The Queen is waiting for us."
Oghren: "Gotta go babe, saving the world and all that crap."
Felsi: "You're not staying for a while?"
Oghren: (to the Warden) "I still got it."
Oghren Approves + 9000

    • Felsi's explaining why Oghren and her broke up:

Felsi: Have you met Oghren? He got drunk, drunker then usual even, took off his pants and challenged a roasted nug to a wrestling match at my fathers funeral. He lost by the way. The nug got him in an arm lock. He sat there crying for half an hour until someone pulled it off him.
Grey Warden: How did he lose to a piece of meat?
Felsi: It was a sodding good roast!
...
Grey Warden: She hasn't exactly forgiven you for the nug incident.
Oghren: That fight was rigged. Anyway, they didn't press charges.

  • Speaking to Oghren several times in a row in the camp will yield drunken conversations. Gems include complimenting the Warden's buns (even funnier when the Warden is male, since Oghren mistakes the Warden for a woman in his drunken haze--becomes hilarious if the male Warden chooses to coyly tease Oghren); an attempt to tell a joke that fails due to drunken laughing; getting angry at Dog for supposedly stealing his pants (If the Warden choses to point out that he STILL has his pants, Oghren claims that he knows Dog wants the pants...)... After said conversation Oghren's character will sway on the spot before falling backwards with a loud clatter of his armour and passing out (he gets back up again in a few seconds though).
  • cackles* ....Asschabs!



Grey Warden: Oghren, you're wearing your pants.
Oghren: But he doesn't know that! And it will be his sodding downfall!

  • On the subject of Oghren here's another funny tidbit of him with Sten in the group.

Sten: Dwarf.
Oghren: What?
Sten: Stop tripping me.
Oghren: Stop tripping yourself!
Sten: If you were significant enough to notice, I wouldn't step on you.
Oghren: Oh, well... your mother!
Sten: ... That was disappointing. I expected better from you.
Oghren: Sorry, I was in a rush.

    • Really, any time anyone tries to goad Sten is hilarious.

Oghren: Lost your weapon, did you?
Sten: What of it?
Oghren: Swinging an empty scabbard, then?
Sten: ...
Oghren: Your pike was purloined?
Sten: "Purloined?" Did you have to look that one up?
Oghren: The elf gave me that one. You have to admit, it's good.
Sten: (Sigh)

  • Just about everything Oghren says, actually, especially when you can play along ("Where can I get some sauce for that rump roast?"/"Right here, you mad dwarven stallion"). Particularly memorable are his conversations with Wynne and Alistair about polishing weapons. Wait, what are YOU talking about?
  • Discussing how Sten occupied himself in his cage:

Alistair: So, you never did tell me how you passed your time in that cage.
Sten: I did not.
Alistair: So... how did you?
Sten: A training exercise. I would think of a word in your language, and then try and spot all the things that began with the same letter as that word.
Alistair: You're joking again, aren't you.
Sten: No.
Alistair: You played I-Spy against yourself for twenty days?
Sten: (in the air of one imparting important information) There are a lot of things in Lothering that begin with the letter 'G'.

    • Later;

Alistair: Sten? I spy with my little eye something that begins with 'G'.
Sten: (sigh) Is it a Grey Warden? Is it, in fact, you?
Alistair: Ooh, you're good at this.

    • And when Alistair first asked what he was doing:

Sten: On good days, I posed riddles to passers-by, offering them treasures in exchange for correct answers.
Alistair: Really?
Sten: No.

  • Sten consoles a widow.

"The man you love has died. It seems you could have chosen better."

    • Oghren also deserves a mention here.

"Er, hm. Oh! Good news, lady: you're single."

  • A large number of the cutscenes between your party members fall in this category as well.
  • Any and every romance advice the current Love Interest gets from other companions. Alistair gets several from Wynne, some suggestions regarding technique from Zevran, an innuendo-laden speech from Oghren and a few quips from Morrigan. Zevran gets a warning from Shale that sex might lead to reproduction and a dialogue with Oghren (both are particularly funny if the Warden is in fact male). Leliana and Morrigan both get dialogues with Alistair and the two good-aligned characters gossip together about the Warden's relationship with Morrigan.

Wynne: (to a highly flustered Alistair) I know the Chantry says you dream about your babies and the good Fade spirits take them out of the Fade and leave them in your arms...but that's not true. Actually what happens is that when a girl and a boy really love each other--
Alistair: Andraste's flaming sword! I know where babies come from!
Wynne: Do you? Do you really?
Alistair: "I certainly hope so."

    • Equally funny is the talk Morrigan and Alistair have if you happen to be leaning towards the former.

Morrigan: Those blushing cheeks tell a different tale.
Alistair: If my cheeks are blushing it's because I'm afraid you're going to suck the blood from them after you finish with him!
Morrigan: If I have the inclination to suck anything of yours, Alistair, believe me, you will be the first to know.

  • When traveling with Zevran and Wynne, Zevran keeps trying to get into Wynne's blouse - he seems to have a big obsession with her breasts.

Wynne: Have you changed your mind yet? Are you willing to speak seriously?
Zevran: Of your bosom? As you wish.
Wynne: (exasperated) No, I do not wish to speak of my bosom.
Zevran: But it is a marvelous bosom. I have seen women half your age who have not held up half so well. Perhaps it is a magical bosom?
Wynne: Stop... talking about my bosom.
Zevran: But I thought you wished to speak seriously?

  • Also from Alistair and Wynne is their conversation about Alistair's injury, highlighting how much of a kid he is.
  • And then there's this.

Alistair: Wynne?
Wynne: Yes, Alistair?
Alistair: My shirt has a hole in it.
Wynne: I see. And?
Alistair: Can you mend it? When we get back to camp?
Wynne: Can't you mend your own clothes? Why do I have to do it?
Alistair: Sometimes I pick up too much fabric and it ends up all puckered and the entire garment hangs wrong afterward. And you're... you know, grandmotherly. Grandmothers do that sort of thing, don't they? Darning socks and whatnot. You don't want me to have to fight darkspawn in a shirt with a hole, do you? It might get bigger. I might catch cold.
Wynne: Oh, all right. I'll mend your shirt the next time we set up camp.
Alistair: Ooh! And while you're at it, the elbows kind of need patching too...
Wynne: Careful, young man, or puckered garments may be the least of your problems.

  • In fact most of what Zevran or Oghren say (when not being a Crowning Moment of Heartwarming). Their conversations together are especially hilarious.
  • This little wonderful convo between Alistair and Leliana.

Alistair: So... this thing you and him have going? Doesn't that violate your vows?
Leliana: What? What kind of question is that to just blurt out? What do we "have going"?
Alistair: Yes, I'm that blind. I so totally did not see you ogling each other before.
Leliana: He was not ogling me. ...Was he? Was he really ogling me?
Alistair: Now that you say it, I'm not sure. Maybe he wasn't ogling you. I don't know... I could always ask him...
Leliana: You can't do that! Could you? You couldn't do that...
Alistair: I could. But I won't. Next thing you'll have me pulling his hair and passing him love letters.
Leliana: I...just mind your own business. How inappropriate!

    • Although it requires you to play dumb, the final romance dialogue with Leliana provides a gem where Leliana tells you she's turning in early, adding "I can't help thinking how soft and warm my bedroll is." If the player suggests he/she is going to stay up and write in their journal, she suggests bringing it to her tent, where she can help you write an entry.

Leliana: Dear Journal, Leliana has shown much affection for me. Even asked me to come to bed with her. But alas, subtlety is lost on me.
Warden: Wait, what?
Leliana: Oh, now he gets it.

    • This one is better in this troper's opinion

Leliana:But now it's getting late. I think I might... turn in early. I can't help thinking about how soft and warm my bedroll is.
Warden:You don't want to talk to me anymore?
Leliana:Of course I do. You know I enjoy your company. But... it's getting a little chilly, and I prefer to be in my bedroll.
Warden:Well, I shan't keep you.
Leliana:You know, it'd be nice if you came with me.
Warden:What for?
Leliana:So I can show you my collection of pressed flowers... obviously.
Warden: I didn't know you collected pressed flowers.
Leliana:I... don't. Stop pretending you don't know what I want!
Warden:I have no idea what's going on.

Leliana:Ah, the games you play. Listen, I want to spend the night with you. There. I said it.

  • Sten's description of Qunari sex to Morrigan. A few choice lines prove that Sten is the funniest character in the story:

Sten: "You will need armor, and a helmet, and something to bite down on. How strong are human teeth?"
...
Sten: "That reminds me. I may try to nuzzle. If that happens, you'll need an iron prybar. Heat it in a forge first or it may not get my attention."

  • Oghren and Zevran trying to bluff their way into Fort Draken to save you and Alistair.

Zevran: We are the famous Brohma Brothers! Can't you see the resemblance?
Oghren: I'm the pretty one.

    • and later...

Captain: Alright, what's this about?
Oghren: My partner and I are performers. The Regent hired us, said morale was low.
Captain: You're performers, are you? What's your act?
Oghren: Our act? Well, uh, the elf here juggles swords while I, uh...
Zevran: He does a traditional Dwarven Dance of Death. Lights his pants on fire and everything. It's quite the spectacle.
Captain: You can perform in the main hall on the condition that the dwarf keeps his pants on. THAT'S non-negotiable.

    • Or when Sten's there instead of Zevran

Oghren: My partner and I are, ah, performers...
Captain: You're performers, are you? What's your act?
Oghren: Our act? Oh... well, the big guy here sings and dances while I... er... juggle swords...
Sten: On fire.

    • Most of the dialogue in this little side quest is pretty hilarious. One is when Sten opens up the door to a cage to rescue YOU.

Sten: <deadpan> ...the irony of this moment is not lost on me.

    • The same sequence if you break out disguised as a guard as well.
    • Taking Morrigan with Dog.

Captain: You're a dog trainer?
Morrigan: You doubt me?
Captain: To put it mildly. Whatever you are, you're not a hound master.
Morrigan: ....'tis time for rampant slaughter, then.

    • Taking Morrigan and Wynne is absolutely priceless: if there's something you don't really want, it's the pious Sisters of the Chantry praying for your soul and your physical well-being, listing in vivid visual details the diseases they are trying to spare you from.
    • Wynne and Leliana is pretty good for Wynne praying for the forgiveness of the guards while listing off numerous ways to call them idiots.
    • Sten and Dog has some great lines from Sten.

I am a giant with a wardog. I am either making a delivery, or besieging your fort. Hope for the former.

      • Then, when waiting for the captain:

This is pointless. We should go in fighting. [[[Beat]]] ...And now I am talking to an animal. I've been in this country too long.

      • And then, if you let Sten continue the bluff and he's called on it, he's just not trying anymore:

I have a dog. What more do you want?

The Warden: You're surrounded by darkspawn corpses, what happened here?
Sandal: Enchantment!

  • In Orzammar, if you side with Harrowmont, once he's been crowned, the crier says "News of the hour: Prince Bhelen attacks assembly and is ignominiously slain. Epic fail!" It caught this troper off-guard and had me cracking up.
    • And if you walk by a little later, "News of the hour: Lord Harrowmont victorious, Prince Bhelen pathetic and dead. A good day for Orzammar!"
  • Leliana drooling over her sisters in the Chantry; so chaste and guarded...
  • During the epilogue after listening to Sten's parting words talking to him again will prompt him to mutter: "Where is the cake? I was told there would be cake. The cake is a lie!" Coming from the most serious character in the game made this all the more funny.
  • Fergus Cousland praying to the Maker to "send us some ale and wenches while you're at it!" in front of his wife, his parents, and his young son Oren. Fergus's father Bryce then compounds the comedy by explaining to Oren what a wench is, to his wife's exasperation.
    • Made even funnier by Teyrn Cousland's ingenuity in actually finding a PG-rated definition for the word "wench":

Bryce Cousland: A wench, Oren, is a woman who pours the ale in a tavern. Or a woman who drinks a lot of ale...

  • Repeatedly giving money to the beggar in the elven alienage leads to a very hilarious scene. Especially when he starts bringing his friends along.

Orphan: My mother is especially dead!

  • Quite a number of the idle chatter party members partake in fall under this.

Leliana: I saw what you were doing back there.
Sten: Oh?
Leliana: Don't play innocent with me.
Sten: What are you talking about?
Leliana: You. Playing with that kitten.
Sten: ...There was no kitten.
Leliana: Sten, I saw you. You were dangling a piece of twine for it.
Sten: I was helping it train.
Leliana: You're a big softie!
Sten: We will never speak of this again.
Leliana: Softie!

  • And then there's my personal favorite:

Leliana: You are very beautiful Morrigan.
Morrigan: Tell me something I do not know.
Leliana: But you always dress in such rags. It suits you I suppose. A little tear here, a little rip there to show some skin. I understand.
Morrigan: You understand I lived in a forest, I hope?
Leliana: Maybe we could get you in a nice dress one day. Silk. No, maybe velvet. Velvet is heavier, better to guard against the cold in Ferelden. Dark red velvet, yes. With gold embroidery. It should be cut low in the front of course, we don't want to hide your features.
Morrigan: Stop looking at my breasts like that. 'Tis most disturbing!

Leliana: You don't think so? And if it's cut low in the front we must put your hair up to show off that lovely neck.

Morrigan: You are insane. I would sooner let Alistair dress me.

Leliana: It'll be fun, I promise! We'll get some shoes too! Ah, shoes! We could go shopping together!"

  • This one takes the cake:

Zevran: Has anyone told you what marvelous eyes you possess, my dear?
Morrigan: Again with the flattery? Do you not tire from these pointless exercises?
Zevran: In Antiva, women are accustomed to being showered with the praise they deserve. Men should worship you at your feet as you pass.
Morrigan: They don't find that incredibly annoying?
Zevran: They are goddesses receiving their subjects, just as you should be. Whatever would be annoying about that?
Morrigan: I have no wish to be placed upon a pedestal.
Zevran: But you deserve no less. You should be admired by painters, copied by sculptors, exalted by poets! Surely you know that yours is a beauty so exotic it-it would turn the eye of the Maker Himself!
Morrigan: (thawing) Well, I suppose I...
Leliana: You are a master indeed, Zevran. You win the bet fair and square.
Zevran: Much obliged, madame.
Morrigan: (through gritted teeth) I hate you all.

    • Alternatively, if Alistair is there:

Alistair: By the Maker! You were right! You win.
Zevran: I think you owe me five silvers, yes?
Morrigan: I hate you all.

    • Or with Oghren:

Oghren: Hmph. Fine. So I owe you a flagon. Bastard.
Zevran: Much obliged, ser.
Morrigan: I hate you all.

  • Another idle conversation reveals Oghren's ability to "smell purity a mile away". Alistair is not amused. Oghren would prefer the ability to smell cheese.
  • Oghren talking to Alistair about being with the PC:

Oghren: So. With the boss, aye?
Alistair: Pardon?
Oghren: You and the boss. Rolling your oats.
Alistair: I don't know--
Oghren: Polishing the footstones.
Alistair: --what you're--
Oghren: Tapping the midnight still, if you will.
Alistair: what are you going on about?
Oghren: Forging the moaning statue. Bucking the forbidden horse. Donning the velvet hat.
Alistair: Are you just making these up right now?
Oghren: Nope. Been saving 'em.

  • When Shale and Alistair talk about pain, especially when they compare screams.
    • From the same pair.

Alistair: So, Shale... when you were standing there all that time? Did you... sleep?
Shale: I have no need to sleep. My body does not tire or do -- ugh -- other flesh-related functions.
Alistair: But don't you get bored? Wouldn't you want to dream, at least?
Shale: I do not dream. This is what it does when it sleeps? It paws its nose and mumbles incoherently.
Alistair: Yes, of course. I thought we all -- huh... you watch me?
Shale: I watch all closely when they are still at night. There is little else to do.
Alistair: For... hours and hours?
Shale: I count the breaths. It helps to overcome the overwhelming urge to crush their faces while they sleep.
Alistair: Well. I won't be doing much of that anymore.

    • There's also both of their Shale's many conversations with almost every NPC about birds.
  • During Ostagar, Alistair says, "Just so you know, if the king ever asks me to put on a dress and dance the Remigold, I'm drawing the line. Darkspawn or no." You can say you'd like to see that. "For you, maybe. But it'd have to be a pretty dress." Duncan is not amused.
    • Duncan's put-upon sigh makes this exchange gold.
    • Alternately, you can say it would make for a great distraction, at which point he'll say "What, me shimmying down the line? Yeah, we can kill the darkspawn while they're all falling over laughing."
  • "Yes, but she's more like 'Ooh! Pretty colors!' than 'Muahahaha! I am princess stabbity, stab, kill, kill!'"
    • Even better you can respond with 'Don't make me stab-kill you. She's not coming!'
  • "Watch as I thrash our enemies with the mighty power of floral arrangements! Feel my thorns, darkspawn! I will overpower you with my rosy scent!"
  • Wynne's Grey Warden story if the Warden shows a particular love for griffons.

Wynne: I remember a tale that was told to me, many years ago...
Warden: Does the story have griffons in it?
Wynne: Maker's mercy. It's like talking to a child.

    • It's somewhat bittersweet if you're playing as a Cousland. Your totally irreversably dead nephew had to get the griffon obsession from somewhere, didn't he?
      • That just broke my heart. I never thought of that.
  • Most, if not all, of the conversations between Dog and the other party members in camp. Special mention goes to a certain one with Alistair:

Alistair: You know, I once heard a really old legend about how the Hound Warriors would feed their Mabari the flesh of the vanquished.
Dog: *Heaving sounds*
Alistair: Oh, like you can tell the difference. Who knows, maybe you've already been fed something, or someone?
Dog: *Whimper*
The Warden: I would never feed you another person.
Alistair: Its not cannibalism if he eats it, you know.
Dog: *Growls at Alistair*

    • And then there's Sten's "conversation" with Dog;

Sten: "Grrrrr."
Dog: (growls)
Sten: "RRRRRAH!
Dog: (Vicious barking)
Sten: "You are a true warrior, and worthy of respect."
Dog: (Happy bark!)

    • What's even more hilarious is that when you enter the 'conversation' (for lack of a better term) your only dialogue options are "What's going on here?", *watch silently*, and *back away slowly*.
  • If you bring him along on the quest to retrieve the acorn from the crazy old hermit, Zevran offers to search the tree trunk,

Zevran: Might I give it a try?
Warden: Go ahead, show off.
Zevran: (whilst searching) Let's see... when was the last time I slipped my hand into some dark hole? Hmm, I remember. Long story, that..."

  • The arguments between the senile (or going blind?) old Sister and the younger Mother in front of the Chantry in Denerim's Market District.

"The Maker does not bread sinners!"

    • I was under the impression she was just hungry.

"Can't talk now, dear. It's almost mealtime."
"What, no mention of dessert? Surely this is a miracle."

  • Everything involving Sergeant Kylon. It starts with him be-moaning the fact that Lord such-and-such keep sending him their illegitimate, ill-trained moronic whelps to train as guardsmen, leaving him to defend the marketplace from stabbings, pickpockets and everything in between with "a legion of bastards" in tow. (The guard examining his nails in the background just sells it.) And he mentions how the problem is compounded by Arl Howe's "specially handpicked men", who are worse than some of the criminals they arrest.

"Some of them are the criminals we arrest. With the bastards, I just have to worry about dicing, the odd bit of drool or yelling at them too loudly and hurting their poor feelings."

    • And then he really emphasizes on how non-lethally he wants you to deal with the problems in the Pearl.

"Let me make that really clear: Not on fire, or exploded, or Maker knows whatever type of grisly death you can dream up. ...Sorry, used to giving orders to my boys."

  • The Crimson Oars quest is pretty funny. Those mercenaries are just so delightfully over the top, I couldn't bring myself to slaughter them and resolved the quest peacefully.

"OARS! We go to the docks! LET'S FIND US SOME WENCHES!"

    • Speaking of delightfully over the top, the large ham level voice acting from the Chasind Doomsayer in Lothering. Morbid yet hilarious:

"Stop you're scaring the children!"
"BETTER TO SLIT THEIR THROATS NOW!"

    • And then the hilariously Shatneresque voice acting of the wounded scout in the Korcari Wilds:

"Who..is...it? Grey Wardens?

  • The Beggars at the Alienage; first there's one "veteran", then there are three "veterans" and one very suspicious orphan.

Starved Veteran:You were so generous to me before and these are... other veterans--
Orphan Ollie: I'm an orphan!
Starved Veteran: Oh, and--er--an orphan.
Orphan Ollie: My mother is especially dead.

    • Then there's a whole crowd of...

Starved Veteran: Many--err--veterans, orphans, the diseased, and sad tales of all sorts.
Orphan Ollie: I still don't have my parents.
Starved Veteran: And poor Ollie still doesn't have his parents.

      • And eventually you can question them about...

Warden: Even that fellow with the fine outfit?
"Beggar": I...uhh... found it?
Orphan Ollie: You aren't a real beggar.

      • Especially hilarious is if you hold the Tab button around them. That last NPC is actually a "Beggar", complete with quotation marks.
  • While playing and getting a game over, normally a bad thing, something extremely entertaining happened. Alistair was the last party member down, and... well:

Alistair: New tactic... bite... ankles...

  • Heard after finishing off a group of enemies without taking much damage:

Oghren: Excuse me while I do my happy dance!

    • Or alternatively:

Zevran: We are ridiculously awesome.

  • If you return to Wade's Emporium for a second set of Dragonskin Armour, the clerk Herren growls through clenched teeth, "Rotten bastard!"
  • The introduction to the Tower quest line. After a templar asks if he can get it on with Morrigan in exchange for getting you to the tower, she reacts with glee at the opportunity to seriously injure him. After deciding to take you to the tower after all, he says this to you, extremely fast.

SoyousaidyouwantedtogetacrossmaybeweshouldgonowrightnowNOW.

  • If you don't have Morrigan or a high Persuasiaon or Intimidate, the Templar guard at the Circle Tower refuses to budge an inch to let you across OOOH COOKIES

Warden: "Where'd you get those?"
Sten: "There was a child, a fat, slovenly thing, in the last village we passed. I relieved him of these confections. He didn't need more."
Warden: "You stole cookies from a child?"
Sten: "For his own good."

    • Of course, a conversation with Sten can reveal his sweet tooth, as he doesn't like much about Ferelden...but there are so many foods the Qunari lands don't have, and so don't have a word for--like...

Sten: Little baked things, like bread, but sweet and crumbly.
The Warden: Cookies?
Sten: Yes! We have no such things in our lands. This should be remedied.
The Warden: I'll keep that in mind.
Sten approves +7

      • In all, it's surprising and disappointing that the found cake is generic, not a gift for Sten.
  • Morrigan's "nightmare" in the Fade, where she is more annoyed than anything else by the false vision of Flemeth, which she knows is fake and is insulted by the mediocre and clearly fake attempt to fool her mind....up until "Flemeth" slaps her.

Morrigan: Ah. Now that's more like it.

  • When Alistair is talking about meeting King Cailan when he was younger:

I said to him, "Greetings, Your Highness," and he said "OOH, SWORDS!" and ran off to the armory. We drifted apart after that. Very sad.

  • Bring Dog into the Denerim Market District and he'll take a little boy he found back with him and ask you if he can keep him.
    • You also have the option of telling Dog, "Put that back where you found it!" Comedy gold.
  • One of Alistair's "enemies nearby" lines is "Yep...beasties. Beasties are comin'."
    • Another from Alistair is "Don't look now but...well, look now!"
    • When confronting a pack of wolves: "Prepare to have your ankles gnawed on!"
    • When he's near death: "New tactic...Bite ankles."
  • Close to the beginning, after Flemeth tells Morrigan that she's going with you and Alistair.

Morrigan: The soup is bubbling, Mother dear. Shall we have two guests for the evening, or none?
Flemeth: The Grey Wardens are leaving shortly, dear. And you shall be going with them.
Morrigan: Such a shame... what?!

  • After Leliana recovers from being knocked unconscious:

Heh! Look, the bruises form a pretty pattern!

  • When attempting to gain entrance to a secret gathering of Warden supporters (which is actually an ambush) , saying the correct password of "the griffons will rise again" is so hard when the alternative is so funny:

Paedan: What's the password?
The Warden: Err... sausage?
Paedan: Sausage?! Bloody no! Go away.

    • Or...

The Warden: The grey nug flies north for the winter.

Paedan: ... Go away.

  • If you opt to have Loghain join the party, he has a hilarious conversation with Zevran.

Zevran: You know who I am, yes? I was one of the Crows you hired to kill the Grey Wardens.
Loghain: I thought you looked familiar.
Zevran: Well, I just wanted to report that I failed my mission, Loghain.

Loghain: You don't say.

Zevran: I'm terribly broken up over it.

Loghain: Hmm. Well thank you kindly for informing me.

  • In the endgame, another hilarious Zevran quote (if you decide to leave him behind when you go after the Archdemon) really lightens up the mood set by other companions' words, which mostly feel like heartfelt goodbyes:

"Say hello to the Archdemon for me, he never writes anymore... it's rather distressing."

  • Unscripted moment of hilarity: park a female Warden in front of Alistair in camp between him and the fire, face him, and wait for him to hold out his hands to warm them. Especially hilarious if you're an elf or dwarf.
  • In the Landsmeet, you can choose anyone in your current party to be your champion. Except Dog:

Arl Eamon: Ah ... Warden, no. I'm afraid we can't leave the fate of all Ferelden up to your dog. Anyone with a leftover ham bone could buy his allegiance. Choose someone else.

  • If you're playing a female Warden and pick a female prostitute while at the Pearl, and Oghren is in your party, "Oghren approves + 4"
    • Even better with Isabela in the Pearl: if a female Warden romances a hardened Leliana and opts to sleep with Isabela, they can have an all-girl threesome. If Oghren is in your party when you decide to go with her, he faints.
  • Wynne isn't terribly enthused about your romances with any companions...but her personal problems with you and Zevran is the funniest. Largely because "half the camp hasn't been getting any sleep" since you began your torrid little tryst. Cue mental image of Wynne with her pillow stuffed over her head, mentally going through her book of spells to figure out the best way to get back at you in the morning.
    • This happens even if you haven't slept with Zevran. Man, does that Wynne have an active imagination.
  • Anytime there's Les Yay with Oghren around - he shows his Covert Pervert style.=

Oghren: Just the thought of the two of them together, kissing and licking and intertwined on the Deep Roads... I'm, ah, just going to go back to my tent for a moment. Excuse me.

    • Covert?
    • You can also get him walking in on you if you create a female PC and have him in your party when get a female whore at the Pearl.

Oh... that's just (shriek)
Oghren: Oops, heh heh, wrong room.

    • The Pearl just happens to be Oghren's kind of place. If the female PC is in a relationship with Leliana and decides to persuade Isabella to "get to know one another", depending on choices made Leliana may disapprove... or invite herself along. You also get + 4 approval from Oghren.

Oghren: T-Too much to handle... Stone...! * thud*

      • You can go Up to Eleven and have Zevran come along for a foursome.
  • This video of "upcoming features". Fear the Darkspawn Duncan horde!
  • In Redcliffe's tavern, you can chat with a barmaid called Bella. She's sick of her boss, of the tavern patrons, and certain she's going to die soon. If you save the village, you can give her money for her to get out of town and find a better life...and/or or you can ask for a kiss as a reward. She leans in, grabs the Warden's cheeks and kisses him. Cut to the tavern customers staring in disbelief.
  • After saving the Arl of Redcliffe, if you chose the course of action that leaves everyone alive, Alistair will thank you once you get back to camp. Once the conversation is over, Alistair says this absolute gem:

Alistair: Anyway, now that the warm, fuzzy part of the day is over, we can get back to the ritual dismemberments... Oh wait, it's not Tuesday, is it?

  • Before entering the temple that houses the Urn of Sacred Ashes, the Warden can ask Brother Genitivi about the dangers that lie ahead. Genitivi says that it is written the Maker himself watches the place, which he admits may indeed be the case. However, it's more likely to be "a simple truth wrapped in hyperbole and metaphor."

Genitivi: After all, no one wants to hear 'Willy toiled for many a year to perfect the curious mechanisms that would send a sharpened spike up the arse of the unwary intruder.'
The Warden: Oh, that sounds pleasant.

    • When you reach the Ashes themselves, if you have Sten in your party he'll say "Congratulations. You found a waste bin." It's even funnier if your other two party members are Alistair, Wynne or Lelianna who will be in awe at the fact that they are in the presence of the remains of The Messiah, only for Sten to follow up with that comment.
      • Zevran's reaction is just as good, particularly if you have some combination of Alistair, Wynne, and Leliana along. When you get to the Holy Grail Urn, your other companions are suitably awed...but Zevran...

Zevran: Nice vase. I should get one for my house.

      • Somehow it's even funnier because his initial reaction when you first enter the room with the Urn is "Mother of Mercy! It is real!"
  • In the Leliana's Song DLC, Tug and Sketch's sniping at each other can be very amusing. One gem comes when they're about to climb through a window:

Sketch: Tight fit for Tug.
Tug: Eh, your mother said as much.

  • If you're playing as human female noble and declare that you'll rule beside Alistair as his wife, his following lines are hilarius.

Alistair: You...you will? Usually after this I'll wake up or notice that I'm only wearing my underpants and everyone laughs at me.

  • Leliana's Song DLC: You're required to cause a distraction at the Arl of Denerim's estate while he's away. When you pop into the first guard filled room (remember that she has a French accent)....

Leliana: "Gentlemen..."

  • Then there's this gem of a line from the "experienced" voice for the Grey Warden PC at the start of an enemy encounter:

Warden senses... tingling!

    • From the same voice, the occasional response to encountering certain large enemies.

Finally... Something that can swallow me whole!

  • The exchange between Morrigan and Loghain if he decides to do the Ritual with her.

Loghain: You'll have to forgive me if I shut my eyes and think of my dead wife.
Morrigan: You'd rather make love to a dessicated corpse than me? My, but you are full of the unexpected.

  • When you interrupt the conversation of two Chantry priests in Denerim, you have the option to bring up their ex-lyrium keeper. I swear, Funny Aneurysm Moment has never been funnier.

Priest: He was assigned to guard the lyrium wares and it didn't go well. One summer morning he took off all his clothes, ran to the street and fell into a barrel of wine...in which he drowned.

Grand Oak:I do not know, why dost thou not? Thy words seem plain, a mundane lot. Perhaps a poet's soul's in me... Does that make me a poet tree?

    • In fact, Oghren will make that same joke first if he's in the party when you first encounter the Grand Oak.
  • Demon-Possessed Bann Teagan:

Bann Tegan: Maaaaaaaaaaaaaaarmelade!

  • At the end of the game, if Alistair is king, both of you survive, and you say you don't want anything when he grants you a boon, he'll express disbelief.

Alistair: Really? Not even a pony? Gosh. Way to wreck the drama.

  • Sometimes when you give Oghren a gift in Origins, he'll sound about as over-the-top as possible.

Oghren: By my ancestors. THIS...IS A WONDERFUL GIFT!

    • Especially fitting when you give him the Beard Flask.
  • When playing as a female human mage: of the four women in the party, Leliana likes shoes, Wynne likes romance novels, Morrigan likes jewelery, and the Warden likes...burning things.
    • You missed one.

Shale: Now, let us crush something soft and watch it fountain blood. That is a girlish thing to want to do, yes?

  • If you are a female romancing Alistair, Morrigan will make some pointed remarks about your mushiness and how much of an idiot he is. Most of your replies ("I happen to love him", etc.) meet with disapproval... but if you tell her he's good in bed, she perks up right away, and grants you approval points. This is even funnier if you talk to Leliana afterwards, who immediately begins pumping you for details about his bedroom performance.
  • A highly amusing conversation between Shale and Wynne:

Wynne: Shale, why do you insist on calling me "the elder mage?"
Shale: Clearly because it is purple. And a hyena.

  • Though it's quickly overshadowed by the tragic events afterward, a female noble can have a rather amusing exchange with her adorable nephew in the origin story:

Oren: Mama says you're going to be watching over us while papa is gone. Is that true, Auntie?
Warden: I wish you wouldn't call me that.
Oren: But you are my auntie! What else am I going to call you, silly?
Oriana: Your aunt no doubt thinks it makes her sound too old, Oren.
Oren: But she is old! But not as old as you, mama.
Oriana: This is your influence, Fergus.

  • Anora commenting on her new husband's sense of humor after the final battle:

Anora: Is he always like that?
Warden: I'm afraid so.
Anora: Oh. Joy.

  • The lead-up to Morrigan and the Warden's first kiss.

Morrigan: 'Tis a funny way of talking, you have, moving so close to me like that.
Warden: Humor me.
Morrigan: So this is funny, then?
Warden: Only if we do it wrong.

  • Oghren's reaction to being trapped in the Fade in the Blackmarsh.

Oghren: What happens to my body while i'm here? Someone could outrage my modesty!

  • Sten's special gift from the Feastday pack is a scroll of "Qunari prayers from the dead", which, when used, plays a short cutscene of Sten reading the scroll, whereafter any KO'ed party members you have are resurrected. Using it stops the battle, but not whatever status effects are on Sten, so it's entirely possible for him to stand still as a statue, calmly reading from a scroll, while on fire.
  • Speaking of fire, Morrigan delivers this line if the Warden speaks to her in Arl Eamon's estate in Denerim:

Morrigan: If one more servant asks if I would like a change of clothes, I will set the house on fire.

    • Also speaking of your party in Arl Eamon's state in Denerim, Zevran greatly appreciates the accommodations:

Zevran: You know, I could get used to this. The last time I came to Denerim, I stayed at an inn so filthy the bedbugs had fleas.

  • Some of the names and nicknames on the Statement of Defiance at Soliders' Peak are pretty amusing. "Chair-Thrower Lopez", "Allan the Quibbler", "Dustin the Colour-Blind", "Ebenger of the Bovine Brethren", "Jason sans les Argonauts", "Om the Stretched", "Weak Eye Santos"...
  • While at Ostagar, the Warden can convince an elven messenger that s/he is the one that a "Ser Garlen's" sword is to be delivered to. The sword's description is as follows:

Somewhere on the field there is a bewildered knight fighting with his dinner fork. Pity him.

  • Shale and Wynne have this hilarious exchange:

Shale: I have a question for it, elder mage.
Wynne: Must I always be the "elder mage"?
Shale: Would it prefer "mage well past her prime, don't mind the sagging bits"?
Wynne: You have a curious way of asking for answers to your questions....

  • During the Grand Finale, if you choose to leave Shale behind at the gates while you go to fight the archdemon, she drops this absolute gem as her farewell to you.

Shale: And... do try not to get swallowed whole. If the beast were to fly about afterwards and poop it out, irony would dictate that it land on me. I couldn't take it.

  • Some of the item descriptions are fairly amusing, like the Conspirator's Foil, a leather cap lined with lyrium ore that gives the wearer a bonus to mental resistance and "instills a general wariness that may be confused with paranoia by the untrustworthy" (in other words, it's Thedas's answer to the Conspiracy Theorist's tinfoil hat)
  • During the "Trial of Crows" questline, after you return after taking out your first target, there's a bit of amusing banter between The Warden and Master Ignacio if choose to play dumb about indulging in his Spy Speak:

Master Ignacio: Find everything you need?
Warden: Same deal with the other scrolls?
Master Ignacio: Deal? Uh, I don't know what you mean. But if anything "interesting" happens, feel free to come back. And consider that chest yours.
Warden: So if I kill them, the payment will be in the chest?
Master Ignacio: I never said that. I'm just curious about various people in your kingdom. And sometimes I "misplace" large patches of coin. I'm quite careless that way.
Warden: You do mean what I think you mean...?
Master Ignacio: All right, yes! You kill them, look in the bleeding chest! Happy? Everything clear?! Now if you don't mind...

  • Much like Alistair, Shale begins to realize that everyone you go to for help has problems that you need to solve.

Redcliffe Civilian: We're under attack. We've been fighting for our lives!
Shale: *tiredly* Is anyone surprised? Anyone?

  • At Ostagar you come across a prisoner in a cage who asks for a bit of food before he's executed and offers to trade a key to you that he has to the mage's chest. You can get him the food or you can kill him and take the key. If Alistair is already in your party you get a completely deadpan:

Alistair: I was not expecting that.

The Warden: Cammen told me about you.
Gheyna: You... spoke to him? What did he say?
The Warden: He said that you were cruel and that he hates you.

Gheyna: (Shocked) He hates me? Are you certain?

The Warden: Yes, and its a shame, for you are very beautiful.

Gheyna: (Flustered) I... ahhh... you, um- you are too kind.

The Warden: Kind? Not at all. Cammen is not good enough for you.

Gheyna: What do you mean? I don't understand.

The Warden: I mean you deserve a more worldly man... Someone like myself.

Gheyna: You mean... Oh! (Nervous laughter) That's... quite flattering, but-

The Warden: (Persuade) Come. Let us discuss this in private.

Gheyna: Well, I suppose there's no harm in it. We could talk in one of the aravels.

Fade to Black

Gheyna: (Shocked) I can't believe I just did that! How can I live with myself?

    • Which is then followed up with:

Cammen: Oh, what do you want now? I told you everything already.
The Warden: And let me tell you something: I bedded Gheyna.

Cammen: What? She was to be my wife!

The Warden: I was just sampling the goods. No harm done.

  • While romancing Leliana, when she talks about turning in early, you can say that you'll stay up to write in your journal. Her response...

Leliana: "Dear Journal... Leliana has shown much affection for me. Even asked me to come to bed with her, but alas, subtlety is lost on me."

  • Upon discovering the blood-soaked altar in Haven, most party members will respond with unease or remark on how screwed-up the village is. Except for Dog, who licks it.

The Warden: Tasty.

  • After talking to the guard at the entrance of Haven, Zevran will make this remark.

Zevran: Ah, quiet insular communities. There's always something nasty going on behind closed doors. I hope it involves chains. I hope they ask me to join in.

  • A city elf warden gets in a pretty good jab at Arl Howe after meeting him along with Loghain when Eamon calls the Landsmeet:

Warden: So you're the one who butchered my kin?
Howe: When animals turn against their masters, it is sometimes necessary to cull the herd.

Warden: Oh look, the regent owns a talking ass.

Dragon Age: Awakening

  • Showing that the expansion is worth buying is the little argument Anders and Oghren can have. They mock each other culminating in this moment:

Oghren: (in a mockery of Anders' accent) "Oh no, big templar man! What are you going to do with that sword?"

Anders: Ew.

Oghren: Don't play with fire unless you wanna get burned, son.

  • The Pony conversation with Oghren in Awakening.

Warden: I bet you can't tell me what you just said.

  • And let's not forget Oghren's Joining in Dragon Age: Awakening. First he asks why the goblet is so small, then drinks it. What tops the scene off is that you don't get the creepy whispering scene like with yourself and other people, he just smacks his lips and says it's not bad.
  • The Warden can speak with Anders about why the templars want to catch him so badly. Anders comes up with the excuse that the templars think he's a blood mage or something. However, if Anders is made to choose Blood Magic as a specialization, the Warden can then point out that Anders does have a reason to be chased after. Anders will laugh and reply "Well the irony is not lost on me."
  • This conversation in Awakening with Oghren.
  • Oghren starts poking fun as Anders' robe, at which point Anders notes that the robes are functional in the, ahem, tightly regulated confines of a Circle Tower. You and a "friend" can slip off into a quiet corner and, ahem, take care of business without the Templars noticing and then get back to your routine, with none of the fuss of pants and belts. The icing on the cake is Oghren's "Oooooh....." response.
  • From Awakening: "NO ONE TOUCHES OGHREN'S JUNK AND LIVES!"
  • Oghren's increasingly frustrated attempts to get Justice to tell him if... everything works in Awakening. It gets to the point where he starts screaming out of frustration.
  • In Awakening, in one triggered party talk with Oghren he wants to talk about his darkspawn dreams.

Oghren: "So, I saw a Broodmother and masses of darkspawn that neared and cornered me...and then they started to talk things like "Do you want honey in your tea?" "How's the baby?", and they asked me if I would teach them to read and write."
Warden: I think that the normal darkspawn dreams aren't quite like that.

  • This precious party-banter gem from Awakening if you have Nathaniel and Anders in your party:

Anders: So...you're the son of Rendon Howe?
Nathaniel: Yes, I am. Do you also want to share your piece of mind and insult my family?
Anders: Oh, no, nope. You know, I'm quite fond of the Howes. *Beat* ...and also of Whos, Whats and Whys.

Nathaniel: *Groans*

Anders: It took me shamefully long time to come up with that joke.

  • In Awakening, when Oghren is talking about beginning the Joining.

Oghren: Now where's the big cup? I'll gargle and spit.
The Warden: You're not allowed to spit.
Oghren: [laughs]] That's what I always say.

  • During the Awakening quest "A Daughter Ransomed", if you are playing the same character from Origins then one of the conversation options is to tell the band of kidnappers that you are the hero of Ferelden who has spilled the blood of countless before, and then everything goes to shit. Some guys run off, pretty sure at least 3 jump off a 100-foot cliff, etc.
  • Velanna, the Jerkass elven mage, flipping her shit when Nathaniel calls her ears 'clownish'.
  • Nathaniel is a wellspring of perfect deadpan comedy, particularly in his apparent campaign to drive Velanna up the walls (which may or may not also be his way of flirting with her). For instance:

Velanna: I am simply wondering how your kind can call yourselves "nobles." It seems ironic.
Nathaniel: We like irony. And it rolls off the tongue better than "oppressors."
Velanna: Ah, so you're a funny human.
Nathaniel: Not I. I wouldn't dare lighten your mood, my lady.

    • And later:

Velanna: You asked me if I believed that my ancestors were once immortal.
Nathaniel: And where in that question was it implied that I believed otherwise?
Velanna: Then you do believe the elves were immortal.
Nathaniel: I didn't say that either.
Velanna: You... are... exasperating.

Post-Awakening DLC

  • Finn and Ariane from the Witch Hunt DLC are always good for a laugh, such as some of Ariane and Dog's banter, like when she'll complain to you that it's lecturing her after she tries to goad him into scaring a mage, or when she gets annoyed if Finn asks her if her name means anything. The best has to be when you do Mabari Dominance again.

Finn: Ah... don't you wish you could just piss anywhere you wanted to without having people give you dirty looks?
Ariane: What?! No! Why, Do you?
Finn: What?! No, of course not.

    • They generally make a good example of Like an Old Married Couple despite having next to zero things in common and having only met a few days ago.

Finn: Dog! What is that in which a tree is covered?
Dog: [Bark!]
Arianne: *Face Palm*

    • The two mages from the library can be a bit of a laugh, like when one of them laments that they're not allowed to have pets (owing to some dragonling incident) and defends that they should at least be allowed to keep domestic things, like cats, dogs or owls. To that, his friend asks why owls.
    • A lot of what Finn says is funny, especially the battle quotes.

"Phew! Am I bleeding? Oh look, a rip in my robe." (faints)

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