< Diamanda Hagan

Diamanda Hagan/Funny

/wiki/Diamanda Hagancreator
  • Aleister's dramatic reading of Stalking is Love, in particular the deliberately terrible impressions of Marz Gurl, The Nostalgia Chick and Diamanda Hagan.
  • On a related note- Aleister's audition tapes during the Faust and Schizophreniac reviews.
  • Anytime Hagan does one of her 'field tests' based on something in the movie reviewed.
  • From the review of Schizophreniac the Whore Mangler- "Necrophilic anal rape before the five minute mark. That’s impressive. If you're not me."
    • Later in the same review, her look of utter boredom during a particularly slow murder sequence.
    • Even later, her outrageous laughter during a horrible murder scene involving styrofoam and a baseball bat forces you to laugh with her.
    • "This is not a film. This is a piece of performance art designed to test how long someone can act like The Ultimate Warrior in public before getting arrested. Spoony, you unoriginal bastard."
  • Her commentary about the sex/murder/transformation into blobwoman scene from Faust: Love Of The Damned

Diamanda: Because having dwarves at the level of her breasts is one of the many things that turns on Slutula, Princess Of The Night, she fucks him. Albino gangster watches because this turns him on, she then cuts his throat because that turns someone on, but killing men before they can report on what the fuck happened doesn't turn anyone on, so... she gets turned into French softcore porn legend Lola Ferrari. And then slowly into something from Eraserhead: The Porno if there should ever be one.

  • From Starrbooty.

Starrbooty: I'm gonna hunt you down like an angry crack whore looking for her baby daddy on pay day! You got that ass-bag?
Hagan: Minion, note down that insult for future use!
Minion: Mistress, how many Fs are in whore?

    • "I'm watching a cunnilingus scene between two people with cocks. That's new!"
    • "Drag: When a man wears what a lesbian won't!"
  • "Why haven't the police got involved?" "They have got involved, mistress! They just took the hotdog stand!" "I'M TALKING ABOUT THE FUCKING MOVIE! *bang* Don't interrupt me."
  • From Confessions of a Trickbaby: "She discovers... the stairs into my basement."
  • Also from Confessions of a Trickbaby, Diamanda FINALLY gets a lesbian sex scene, and intends to celebrate.

Diamanda: Minions, release the celebration hookers that I've been keeping since we started doing these reviews! WE! HAVE! SAPPHISM!!

Minion: Er...Mistress? I'm sorry, but we kinda forgot to add air holes...

Diamanda:(crestfallen) ...Oh...

Minion: We could raise them up with some ropes and pulleys... but it's been a year, so we're gonna need a lot of rope...

  • Her contribution to the "Previously On..." Atop the Fourth Wall sketch for "Rise of Arsenal."
  • The "BULLSHIT" montage near the end of her Voyage of the Damned review. Including shots from the special along with other bullshit moments in Doctor Who.
  • Playing "Princes of the Universe" during the infamous decapitation scene from Bonekickers.
    • Having run through the self-contradictory plot holes of one of the twists she concludes "This is a Gourdian Knot of stupid".
    • Adrian Lester's character is "an automaton who can't quite replicate human emotion, and is powered by a black hole that feeds on the ability to act."
    • This week's historical artifact:

Diamanda: What is it? Oh, don't worry. They know why you watch this show; it's something stupid.
[Clip of Ewan McGregor and Nicole Kidman singing "Something Stupid" in Moulin Rouge]
Diamanda: Not that.

    • Her montage of photos of people wearing kefiahs. The music is hilarious.
  • Forcing a minion to do the "Dance of Whimsy" while looking at The Land Before Time 8. Made better in that the dance keeps going until the minion dies of a heart attack.
  • "You want us to send anthrax to James Cameron?"
  • "Zoombies! The Driving Dead!" :D *Vaudeville Hook*
  • The 'extended edition' of the atrocious crash scene from Children Of The Living Dead.
  • "Oh great. Now I want to see Disney's 'Salo." *cut to a photoshop of just that*
  • In her "Worst Witch" review, a scene gives her an idea for a gender-bending female!Snape/Hermione slash fanfiction. She proceeds to give herself a lobotomy with a drill to get it out of her head, but later gets better. If only she had a pensieve.
  • Being forced to review a Thomas the Tank Engine movie, while trying to review a movie about necrophilia.
  • The sheer amount of stuff Hagan can't show in The Raspberry Reich reaches ridiculous levels, to the point that she can't show the title card due to explicit content.
  • In her Apocaylpse 3 Review has Host Hagan interact with Voiceover Hagan, and blame the writer. Writer Hagan then says "Sure, blame the writer." and Host Hagan has Writer Hagan kidnapped and tortured. Voiceover Hagan and Host Hagan instantly become unfunny and awkward because Writer Hagan writes their lines. Host Hagan does a little dance in order to distract the audience whilst Voiceover Hagan comes up with lines. It fails. They reinstitute Writer Hagan. This.. This really makes more sense when you watch it.
  • The entire Zombeak review with JewWario
    • Hagan calls him Jew-igi throughout the video
    • JewWario thinks hitting goths looks fun and PUNCHES Hagan. She spends the next couple minutes in shock.
    • "You PUNCHED me!"
    • When they see one of the Satanists, JewWario starts dropping Malachite's 21st century rant, but gets stopped by Hagan.
  • From Intermedio:
    • FEEL FREE TO COMMIT SUICIDE
    • The entire Lesbotron 9001 segment.
  • From Eat the Schoolgirl with Oancitizen
    • Hagan's comments about a scene with, in order: violence against children, the buying of knives, and a close-up of a woman with stubble.

Hagan: Wow, its like Brows Held High distilled. [Beat] No offense.

Oancitizen: No no, that's pretty much it...

    • Schoolgirl Oan. Yes.
    • A crazed Oan turns Hagan into a snail.
    • At least for some of us, this exchange:

Diamanda: If she's an angel, then she's a lovely angel with a Dirty Pair... of tits.

[[[Beat]]]

Oancitizen: I don't get it.

Diamanda: Somewhere out there, a manga fan is giggling.

    • Oan speculating on "wholesome" phone sex.

Oancitizen: As opposed to unwholesome phone sex. How do you do that? Set your phone to vibrate and... insert?
Diamanda: (looks at Oan with disgust) You watched Sweet Movie one too many times!

Oancitizen: Oh, like you would be offended by that joke!

    • Also this.

Oancitizen: Where are my testicles?
Diamanda:...I'll mail them to you.

  • From the Nina Galas review Dominion
    • "I chose food. Weevil happened."
  • During her review of "The Next Doctor", the conversation between Moffat and RTD on Moffat's Hand Wave for why people don't remember things like a Kaiju Cyberman. Ending with RTD taking revenge by not having the Tenth Doctor go out happy but crying and whining so that everyone hates Matt Smith.
    • Made better in that Moffat is voiced by Linkara and RTD is voiced by Welshy.
  • The whole Gayniggers From Outer Space review. Just the fact that such a movie exists Crosses the Line Twice.
  • Diamanda telling us about the dialog in Emmanuelle 4. Especially the way she concludes with Ooh, cock.
    • Also her anger when the movie cuts away from a lesbian sex scene to a snake.
    • "It just struck me; this is a horror film! But instead of scares, it's porn."
    • "The movie can pretty much be summed up like this: Voice over, talk, sex, voice over, sex, sex, talk, voice over, sex, sex, sex, MUD!, sex, voice over, talk, sex, MUTHAFUCKIN' SNAKE!, voice over, sex, sex, sex, talk!"
  • From The Knackery, Aleister re-enacts his takeover to a bemused minion, which is hilarious in itself, but then tries his hand at reviewing Ireland's second Zombie movie and wonders aloud, "How do those images appear on the screen?"
  • In the review for Necromaniac, Ron Atkins' name appears on every credit. Diamanda Jokes that one of them will be "God: Ron Atkins". Cue one more screen: "Special Appearance by Ron Atkins as Jesus Christ". Diamanda's reaction: "I was fucking kidding!"

Harry: There's something wrong with me!
Dramatic slow zoom on Hagan's annoyed expression
Hagan: There are a great number of things wrong with you. I'd list them but I can't be fucking bothered!

  • From the review of Stonewall & Riot: Only Diamanda would think to put the Nyan Cat song over a gay porn scene.
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