Butt Monkey/Quotes

"We seem to be made to suffer; it's our lot in life."

—C-3PO, Star Wars

Dear Sir, I write this note to you to tell you of me plight
And at the time of writing, I am not a pretty sight;
My body is all black and blue, my face a deathly gray
And I write this note to say why Paddy's not at work today

While working on the fourteenth floor some bricks I had to clear;
Now, to throw them down from such a height was not a good idea
The foreman wasn't very pleased, he beeing an awkward sod
He said I'd have to cart them down the ladders in me hod

Now, clearing all these bricks by hand it was so very slow
So I hoisted up a barrel and secured the rope below
But in me haste to do the job I was to blind to see
That a barrel full of building bricks was heavier than me

So when I untied the rope the barrel fell like lead
And clinging tightly to the rope I started up instead
Well, I shot up like a rocket till to my dismay I found
That halfway up I met the bloody barrel coming down

Well, the barrel broke me shoulder as to the ground it sped
And when I reached the top I banged the pully with my head
Well, I clung on tight through numbed shock from this almighty blow
And the barrel spilled out half the bricks fourteen floors below

Now, when these bricks had fallen from the barrel to the floor
I then outweighed the barrel and so started down once more;
Still clinging tightly to the rope, I sped towards the ground
And I landed on the broken bricks that were all scattered round
 
Well, I lay there groaning on the ground, I thought I'd passed the worst
When the barrel hit the pully-wheel and then the bottom burst
Well, a shower of bricks rained down on me, I hadn't got a hope
As I lay there moaning on the ground, I let go of the bloody rope

The barrel than being heavier, it started down once more
And landed right across me, as I lay upon the floor
Well, it broke three ribs and my left arm and I can only say

That I hope you'll understand why Paddy's not a work today

—The Dubliners, Sick Note

"I lead a cursed life!"

—Yousuke, Persona 4, finally realizing that he is this trope.

"Why is everybody always pickin' on me?"

—from the chorus to "Charlie Brown", by The Coasters (and no, the song is not about that Charlie Brown)

"A History of American Farming by Peter Fox: who had a very rough time getting out of bed this morning and didn't eat breakfast and who pinched his left thumb in his gym locker and lost his favorite pencil in the library and whose day got even worse when..."

—Peter Fox writing his essay for a 'sympathy grade' (which takes up several pages).

Actually, the crawling awkwardness starts with the introductory fiction. It's about an overweight computer nerd with glasses, bad skin, and bad hair - and everybody picks on him! There's even a pair of pictures with him looking all sad. Aww.

Gandhi would have kicked this kid's ass.

—Darren MacLennon, review of the Wraeththu RPG.

"If a job's worth doing, it's worth doing well. If it's not worth doing, give it to Rimmer."

—Red Dwarf

Claret: And what valliant deeds did your employers do?
Nodwick: They valiantly fed me to a hydra, sundered an ancient seal with my head, and spoiled an evil wizard's spell by substituting my nose for one of the spell components. Huzzah.

Fran: Where's Manny?
Bernard: He's not here.
Fran: Well how can I find him?

Bernard: You could become a terrible event and happen to him.

—Black Books

"Sometimes, I'm afraid to be happy, because whenever I get too happy, something bad always happens."

—Charlie Brown

"Hey c'mon, make fun of the bald guy! I'll be your lightning rod of hate!"

—Colin Mochrie, Whose Line Is It Anyway?

"Nobody likes Milhouse!"

—Dewey Largo (the music teacher), The Simpsons

"Sometimes, I think I was born to be picked on..."

—Moses Sandor, Tales of Legendia

"Unfortunately, life likes to play a little game called "Up yours, Moe.""

—Moe, The Simpsons

"But in his experience it was only a matter of time before the normal balance of the universe restored itself and started doing the usual terrible things to him."

—The Colour of Magic (describing Rincewind, of course)

If you're going to probe anyone, probe Chris!

—Dan after he and Chris get taken by a UFO, Dan Vs..

Wow. Even my dreams hate me.

—Jerry, Code Monkeys

It is virtually worthless in terms of both power and speed. It is the most weak and pathetic Pokémon in the world.

—Pokemon Fire Red's Pokedex entry for Magikarp

I think somebody rubbed all the sixes off the dice he throws.

—Kevyn Andreyasn on John der Trihs, Schlock Mercenary

I have every faith in your reconciliatory navigational skills, Mr. Gibbs, now where is that monkey, I want to shoot something!

—Jack Sparrrow to Joshamee Gibbs, Pirates of the Caribbean

Wh-Why is everyone ganging up on me? It's so unfair... It's just that... I fell in love with Ragna the Bloodedge...

—Noel Vermillion when all the other female characters gang up on her over Ragna in Rachel's gag ending, BlazBlue: Continuum Shift

Why can't I do anything when it really counts!?

—Zorne Sepperin, Rosenkreuzstilette

He hath been most notoriously abused.

—Olivia on Malvolio, hanging a lampshade at the end of Twelfth Night

Are we laughing at Yamcha? Because I'm always up for that.

—King Kai, Dragon Ball Abridged.

I'm tired of being the loveable idiot stuck in a tree while his friends are fighting for their lives. Don't you understand? If I can't do this on my own ... then what good am I?

—Jaune Arc, RWBY