Board James

When Board James is bored, he plays some board games.

Board James is a Cinemassacre's Web Original series, created and starred by James Rolfe, of The Angry Video Game Nerd fame.

Board James is a pretty normal guy, a kid at heart who collects a great variety of Board Games as a hobby, and reviews them in the internet. Sometimes Board James does his reviews alone, and from time to time he's joined by his friend: Motherfucker Mike, who is a little of a cheater when it comes to playing the games. And when there's place on the board for an extra player, there's Bad Luck Bootsy, an annoying but friendly guy who is prone to ruin the games and cause nothing but troubles to James, Mike and himself.

It started out as a Spin-Off of The Angry Video Game Nerd, but it's now its own series. It follows the same Mid-Review Sketch Show formula that the AVGN helped popularize, but features a much less enraged style of reviewing, often focusing on the good too. Despite sometimes being still referred as a Spin-Off of AVGN, there is no established connection between the two series.

See also You Know What's Bullshit, another Web Original starred by James Rolfe.

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Board Games reviewed (in chronological order)

2009

• Mouse Trap
• Dragonstrike
• Crossfire
• Weapons and Warriors

2010

• Fireball Island
• Deadly Danger Dungeon (a homemade board game)
• Hero Quest
• Mr. Bucket
• Tornado Rex

2011

• Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles Games
  • Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles Cowabunga Pizza Toss
  • Teenage Mutant Hero Turtles
  • Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles Pizza Power
• Key to the Kingdom
• Donut Disaster
• Loopin’ Louie
• Monster Madness
• Battle Masters
• Splat!

2012

• Doggie Doo

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Tropes used in Board James include:

• Alliteration: Deadly Danger Dungeon
• All There in the Manual: Some of the games reviewed suffer from this.
  • The Dragonstrike game has its story explained in a movie-like instructional VHS that came with the game.
• Arson, Murder, and Jaywalking:

Motherfucker Mike: What are those tiles? What's up with the bushes? What's the other deck of cards? What are that circle of explosion pieces? How many times can this guy get hit? Can this guy move first or does he attack first? How many licks does it take to get to the tootsie roll center of a tootsie pop? The world may never know

• Board Games: The series is all about them.
• Bottomless Pits / Spikes of Doom : Deadly Danger Dungeon is full of them.

Board James: That's an instant death. You fell in the spikes.
Motherfucker Mike: But I fell in the spikes already up here.
Board James: These spikes are bigger.

• Breaking the Fourth Wall: In the review of Dragonstrike there's a moment in which James starts acting as if he was playing the game with a bunch of friends and starts assigning characters to each one, he then points out to the camera and claims "And you'll be the wizard!".
• Button Mashing: Pretty much the whole Crossfire battle.
• The Cameo: Board James makes a Cameo in the TGWTG second anniversary, in which he teaches the characters how to play Risk.
  • In the Loupin' Louie episode, James invites people that were at PAX 2011, including Kevin Finn, A.J. Locascio, Angry Joe, The Happy Video Game Nerd and Pedobear.
• The Cast Showoff: It's a pretty safe bet that the entire reason for Bad Luck Bootsy's existence is to give Bootsy Spankins, P.I. the opportunity write filk songs about board games.
• Catch Phrase: Subverted; the first regular episode ("Dragonstrike") has Board James introduce himself with the phrase "Hey! I'm Board James. And when Board James is bored, I play some board games." However, he only ever said it that one time.
• Cluster F-Bomb: Like the other Cinemassacre web originals, the characters from Board James don't shy away from swearing every once in a while.
• Continuity Nod: In the Donut Disaster episode, Bootsy is using an eye-patch because of the little accident he had in the Tornado Rex episode.
  • He splashed hot burning coffee all over his face at the end of the Donut Disaster episode, and in the Splat! episode we see him wearing the eye-patch and bandages over his face.
• Covers Always Lie: In the episode about Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles games, as the games were more visually atractive and better illustrated the less fun they were.
• Cower Power: James has his moment of this when Mr. Bucket corners him.

Board James: Fucking pervert, get away from me! *Mike enters the room* Suck his balls!
Mr. Bucket: *turns around and attacks Mike* Balls! Balls! Balls! Balls!
Motherfucker Mike: AAAAAAAAAH!!!!

• The Danza: James Rolfe as Board James, Mike Matei as Motherf**ker Mike and Bootsy Spankins as Bad Luck Bootsy.
• Deliberately Monochrome: The Monster Madness episode.
• Double Entendre: All the time. Guaranteed if there are any balls involved in the game.

Board James: It's very stimulating cause you're always grabbing the balls underneath your gun. You gotta keep firing and reloading nonstop. But the gun gets jammed all the time.
Mr. Bucket: I'm Mr. Bucket, pop balls out of my mouth!

• Dramatic Thunder: When James discovers Mr. Bucket under the bed sheets.
  • The Monster Madness episode's full of them.
• Duct Tape for Everything: Used in the Weapons and Warriors episode while setting up the game. Because glue takes time to dry, and all is going to get fucked up again anyway.
  • James seems to get a bad time keeping the pieces together with the tape, the thing is, he's actually using masking blue tape, which has a weaker adhesive than regular tapes to be easily removable.
• Edutainment Show: His reviews may fall into this category, much more than the AVGN ones.
• Episode Title Card: Drawn by no other than Mike Matei, as in the AVGN.
• Eye Scream: Bad Luck Bootsy.At the end of the Tornado Rex review, where he sends Tornado Rex flying, boucing off walls, and into his own eye.
• The Faceless: Board James in the first episode. Probably to keep ambiguous whether if the narrator was the Nerd or not.
• Fan Sequel: When he was a kid, James made a board game based on Street Fighter II... and tired of waiting for the actual sequel, he made another one based on his own imaginary version of Street Fighter III. One of the characters was Dracula.
  • And the Transylvania flag was a bat, of course.
• Flash Back: a very humorous one with James and Mike remembering all the times Bootsy has screwed their fun.
• Guide Dang It: While playing Battle Masters, Board James had to check the manual before attempting any move. And even with the manual at hand, the rules were way too complicated and confusing, to the point that Mike ended up giving up.
• Groin Attack: Mister Bucket always goes for the balls.
• Harder Than Hard: The difficulty level of the original Deadly Danger Dungeon game.
• Having a Gay Old Time: Discussed with the Mr. Bucket advert.
• Hey, It's That Place!: Some of the episodes take place in the Nerd's room.
• I Like My X Like I Like My Y:

Bad Luck Bootsy: I like my coffee like I like my women... with my dick in it!

• Ironic Nursery Rhyme: Mr. Bucket's childish jingle.
• It Won't Turn Off: Poor Board James swears he turned off Mr. Bucket before going to sleep...

James: I turned you off!
Mr .Bucket: But you turn me on!

• Limited Wardrobe: Averted. Unlike the Nerd, James wears a different shirt and baseball cap in each episode; however, they're always related to videogames, comics or movies.
• Live Episode: Loupin' Louie episode was recorded live at PAX 2011.
• Loads and Loads of Rules: Some of the boardgames, particularly Heroquest and Battle Masters (and how!), which were made by the same creators by the way.
• Metaphorgotten:

Bad Luck Bootsy: I like my coffee like I like my women... with my dick in it!.

• Montages: One appears in the "Donut Disaster" video when James recalls all the previous times Bad Luck Bootsy ruined their board games with his bad luck.
• Nightmare Fuel Coloring Book: Deadly Danger Dungeon board.
• Parody Episode: The Mr. Bucket episode is a parody of a horror movie.
• Platform Hell: A game he made as a kid, Deadly Danger Dungeon, can be summed up as Board Game Hell. In May 2010, it got made into a Platform Hell video game. The original was scanned shortly afterward. Here.
• Plot Coupon: Present in some of the adventure Board Games, but played for laughs in the Deadly Danger Dungeon episode.

Motherfucker Mike: I gotta get the key before the talisman and then I gotta go forward and then go back and then climb a ladder and then fuck in...

• Poorly-Disguised Pilot: The way Board James started. Board James first episode was only called "Board game review", and it was announced like the Nerd doing a review of the game Mouse Trap. Although the narrator appears to be dressed as the Nerd, his face is never on screen and he's not as angry as he usually is. Also, James Rolfe's wedding ring (which he never wears while playing the Nerd) can be seen in his left hand in some of the scenes, suggesting that it was implayed from the start that the reviewer was James Rolfe himself and not his Nerd persona.
• The Prankster: One of the home-made games that appear in the Deadly Danger Dungeon episode is called "Mischief Night", and it's about a guy who plays pranks on his neighbors, the pranks went from throwing toilet paper in a yard to blocking someone's front door with bricks and cement.
• Precision F-Strike: Bootsy's first two songs ("Tornado Rex" and "Donut Disaster") have one right at the very end.
• Prop Recycling: The caps that would later become Board James' trait can be seen in the Nerd's closet (the one in which he keeps the Atari he gives away to the kids) in the AVGN's Halloween episode of 2007.
• Public Domain Soundtrack: The "Mouse Trap" review uses two classical pieces: "Blue Danube Waltz" and "Marriage of Figaro".
• Serious Business: The reviews about adventure games usually describe them as being really epic experiences.
  • Some of the games between Motherfucker Mike and Board James can get very intense.
  • The Dragonstrike VHS really talks about the game as a serious business.

Narrator: Feeling brave tonight? Brave enough to do battles with hideous monsters? (...) Brave enough to sneak around castles in the dark and chance being the next victim?
Board James: Wow, wow. I'm just trying to play a board game, I'm not looking for any trouble.

• Shameless Self Promoter: the Monster Madness episode is a promotion for James Rolfe other project Cinemassacre's Monster Madness.
• Shout-Out: To the AVGN's catchphrase, in the Deadly Danger Dungeon episode when he's playing his own games full of Fake Difficulty.

Board James: What was I thinking?!

• Silly Walk: Bad Luck Bootsy's funny little jumps.
• Special Guest: There was a whole array of them in the "Loupin' Louie" episode.
• Spin-Off: Board James first episode was only called "Board game review" as part of the Nerd videos, but later Board James became its own character.
  • Though, not entirely related to Board James, there are the 'Motherfuckin Mondays', a review show with Motherfucker Mike as the lead.
• Stock Monsters: The characters of the Monster Madness game: the Mummy, the Werewolf, the Frankenstein's monster and Dracula.
• Stuff Blowing Up: As Motherfucker Mike and Board James play Crossfire, random explosions start appearing around them, just like in the TV ad for the game.
• Super Drowning Skills: From Battle Masters episode:

Motherfucker Mike: What the fuck? You can't go on the water? What is this, Simon's Quest?

• The Television Talks Back: Much to James surprise, the narrator in the Dragonstrike VHS can talk directly to him at some points.

Board James: I'm turning this off. *aproaches TV*
Narrator: Do not turn the VCR off yet!
Board James: Oh shit. *scared*

• Toilet Humor:
  • In the Dragonstrike episode, the listing of all the types of "crap".
  • The entirety of the Doggie Doo episode.
• Unwinnable: Deadly Danger Dungeon. Understandable as James invented the game back when he was a child.
• Video Review Show: Leans very heavily on the show end of the Sliding Scale of Review vs. Show, even more so than the old school AVGN episodes.
• Vomit Discretion Shot: After consuming massive amounts of Play-Doh, Bad Luck Boosty marathon vomits it out. Thankfully we don't see it.
• What Do You Mean It's Not Awesome?: Board James narrates his games as if they were epic adventures, and not just a man moving figurines across a cardboard board.
  • In the Dragonstrike review James tells about how he used to get very excited with the introductory video because it presents the game as something seriously epic, then when the video ended, he turned around to actually start playing and discovered that everybody had left the room out of boredom.

Board James: ...And that's what happens.

• • In the Heroquest episode, Board James spends a considerable amount of time setting up the board as he explains the game mechanics, and after he dramatically reads the instructions for the first quest, Motherfucker Mike is so bored he asks to play another thing, much to James annoyance.
  • In the Loopin' Louie episode, the music and the way the video was edited makes the game look really fun and dynamic. In the behind the scenes it seems like it could get a little tedious after a while.