Noah

Utnapishtim Noah is an Old Testament character who made the second great Covenant with God after the Great Flood. He is also famous for getting drunk, passing out naked, and then cursing his grandson because his son tried convincing him to start attending Twelve Step Meetings saw him naked. Now a major motion picture![2]

Rescued from the
Global Flood
Twelve of the clean kind
v - t - e
“”EVERYBODY'S UP FOR A NOAH PARTY
NOAH'S IN THE HOUSE AND LET IT - "HEY!" - GO!
LET ME HEAR YA GO IN A NOAH PARTY
GONNA SAY NOAH AND I'MA SAY NO TO THIS
MONEY KID (?) MOM TOLD YA SAY NO TO DRUGS
SHE ALSO MEANT SAY NO TO THIS
—JonTron[1]

Biography
Noah preparing for the flood.

Noah was likely born some time in some place in the Near East, probably in the Fertile Crescent (now called the "Cradle of Civilization"). Of course, no one but God survived to witness these events, making them true Facts of a Christian nature [3] On or about Noah's 480th birthday, [4] Noah was told by God that it was gonna rain hard and that he had better build himself a boat. A big one! Then God apparently sent down detailed blueprints of a never-before-considered and extremely complex (yet simple enough to build with bronze age tools[note 1]) Ark that would hold two[note 2] of every animal (including dinosaurs, unicorns and dragons!) that lived on the earth along with enough food and complex rain-catching devices to keep those animals alive for roughly 365 days.

At the age of 600 years, Noah got himself, his kids and his pet T. rex onto the Big Boat and they sailed around the world in 40 days.

After the Flood Noah started growing grapes, and—what else?—turning them into wine. He got drunk, danced naked in front of his tent, and passed out. His son Ham came in and saw him in that condition, and when he learned that in the morning, Noah inexplicably cursed Ham's son rather than Ham himself.[5] Possibly he was still drunk at the time, and presumably he swore off drinking afterward.

Noah died 950 years after he was born. Presumably, he carted his beard around behind him in a wheelbarrow, as if he were Father Time himself.

Scholars believe that Noah was based on the mythical Mesopotamian figure Utnapishtim, who appears in the Epic of Gilgamesh (ca. 2100 BCE), and who also survived a Great Flood by building a boat and was promoted to Godhood for surviving.

Notes
  1. Or possibly not… according to some creationists, pre-flood civilisation was advanced enough to genetically modify animals to produce transitional fossils, so a little old ark wouldn't bother them
  2. Actually seven each of the "clean" animals (or seven pairs in some translations) and two each of the "unclean" ones.
gollark: Interesting, and yet irrelevant.
gollark: And, in *extended* complex numbers, 2/0 is infinity.
gollark: Your Macron count is just 0.
gollark: I know about complex numbers, firecubez.
gollark: That's infinity percent more macrons than you.

References
  1. https://www.youtube.com/watch?feature=player_detailpage&v=m2av978FgLI#t=725
  2. Noah (2014) at IMDb
  3. see arguments for a Young Earth and other such fairy tales as to why God is the Best Witness Ever™.
  4. Great Flood Timeline by Chard Berndt, Creation by Design (archived from April 14, 2004).
  5. Genesis 9:20
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