BibleMan

Have you ever wondered what Batman would be like if Bruce Wayne was a fundamentalist Christian? And Batman didn't fight crime, but instead fought sin? Where the singular Robin is replaced by a group of anal-retentive, bible-verse-spouting, so-annoying-and-self-righteous-that-you-just-want-to-beat-the-shit-out-of-them teenagers and young adults? And the Batman wannabe wears a purple and yellow Spandex™ costume? And the costume's rubber "Breastplate of Righteousness" has ripply pecs and abs that somehow make him look gayer than Batman? And his Bible -- aka, "The Sword of the Spirit" -- morphs into an actual lightsaber knockoff sword[note 1] that he uses to fight atheists Satanists Jews evildoers?

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Films and TV
Starring:
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Well, wonder no more! You've just entered the alternate universe world of BibleMan![note 2]

The premise

A wealthy, fortyish businessman[note 3] goes out for a walk on a dark and stormy night and finds a (presumably soggy) Bible casually on the ground after having a breakdown and begins to read it. He is immediately converted from a depressed, hard-nosed businessman into a Bible thumper. But he decides to go one step further. He will use all of his amassed wealth to become a crusading superhero. The show goes back and forth between BibleMan's personal crusades with the show's villains (who are portrayed as scientists, Jews, etc.), to teaching children about the Bible and how science is bad......no, seriously — they went there.

After a decade of this, when he was too old for this shit, the original "BibleMan" handed off the franchise to another fortyish confirmed bachelor.

Target audience
“”When I need an education on all about history, I go to the Bible. When politics are what I really need, the Bible is the first book that I read. When all I got is science on my mind, I run and fetch my Bible just in time. Wait for history you go to the Bible? That’s not a good thing there’s a lot of history missing from that. For instance, World War II: mentioned zero times in the Bible. And you wouldn't have him to learn about the evils of science! I'm also not sure if you should be going to the Bible for science; I tried walking on water, it doesn’t work, no matter how much weight I have lost.
—The Cinema Snob[1]

BibleMan is intended for kids ages 4 to 12. However, when watching any BibleMan episode, one can't help but doubt that any kid who has started to use reason and logic[note 4] would ever fall for this bullshit.

Adults might find it entertaining if they smoke pot or drink Kentucky Bourbon first.

The characters

"BibleMan" was originally played by washed-up kid actor Willie Aames,[note 5] (as Miles Peterson), but (as of "A Fight for Faith") is now played by Robert T. Schlipp (as Josh Carpanter), a youth pastor from Northern California. BibleMan has had many cohorts. Throughout the history of the show, he was aided by:

  • U.N.I.C.E.: BibleMan's supercomputer. (With God and Jesus on his side, why would BibleMan need a computer?) (Introduced in "Defeating the Shadow of Doubt", though a non-sentient computer sharing the graphics of the "Shadow of Doubt" counterpart appears in the earlier "Silencing the Gossip Queen" and "The Six Lies of the Fibbler". Stays for the rest of the show's run.)
  • Coats: The brains of the team. (Funny, you'd think BibleMan would be the brains.) (Introduced in "Defeating the Shadow of Doubt". Final regular appearence (not counting live shows) is "The Fiendish Works of Dr. Fear". A robotic duplicate appears in the "Jesus Our Savior (Part 2)" - "A Light in the Darkness" cliffhanger.)
  • Cypher: Ditto. (Introduced in "Shattering the Prince of Pride". Stays for the rest of the show's run.)
  • BibleGirl: With whom BibleMan has zero sexual tension. Her first actress had no weapon, though the second got a...thing in "Jesus Our Savior (Part 2), finally becoming an actual weapon in "Divided We Fall" (Introduced in "Breaking the Bonds of Disobedience", with an actress change in "Jesus Our Savior (Part 1)". Stays for the rest of the show's run.)
  • Melody: Ditto. (And a double-bladed lightsaber) (Introduced in "Terminating the Toxic Tonic of Disrespect". Stays for the rest of the show's run.)

Villains

There are quite a few (and all of them make Captain Planet look like Batman), but a quick rundown: Early "The Bibleman Show" (Their main episodes are out of print):

  • Dr. Decepto: (Introduced and defeated in "Big Big Book". Appears in the intro of every subsequent episode up to "Defeating the Shadow of Doubt")
  • Madame Glitz: (Introduced and defeated in "Back to School". Only post-early "The Bibleman Show" appearance is in the intro of "Defeating the Shadow of Doubt")
  • The Sultan of Selfishness:(Introduced in An Adventure in Contentment) An olive-skinned man with black, curly hair, black eyebrows and eyes, a black goatee, and wearing a green Nehru suit with gold trimmings. He speaks with a heavy, stereotypical Middle Eastern accent. He temporarily gains control of a school by posing as a motivational speaker who dispenses small stickers that cause all the students and faculty to become susceptible to the Sultan's 3Ds credo: Demand, Deserve, Dominate.

Late "The Bibleman Show":

  • The Fibbler: (Introduced and defeated in "The Six Lies of the Fibbler". Appears in the intro of "Defeating the Shadow of Doubt")
  • The Gossip Queen: (Introduced and defeated in "Silencing the Gossip Queen". Appears in the intro of "Defeating the Shadow of Doubt") A villainess queen whose character design was later widely criticized[2] for sharing many characteristics with traditional Jewish stereotypes (e.g., possessing dark skin, curly black hair, a large hook-nose, thick lips, and dark-colored beady eyes).[3] She tried to rip the Church singing group apart. She has two henchmen named Loose Lips and Blabbermouth and could fire Beams of Bitterness from her fingers. She was destroyed when she was hit by Bibleman's sword of the Spirit.

The Bibleman Adventure:

  • Luxor Spawndroth: Introduced in "Defeating the Shadow of Doubt" and goes through several different aliases before finally using his true name in "Breaking the Bonds of Disobedience". Defeated in "Lead Us Not Into Temptation".
  • Ludacris: Luxor's chief henchman. Played by three different actors (first in "Defeating the Shadow of Doubt", second debuting in "The Incredible Force of Joy", final debuting in "Breaking the Bonds of Disobedience".) before he bites the dust in "Lead Us Not Into Temptation".
  • L.U.C.I: The villains' supercomputer. Possesses a red interface and a New Jersey accent, as opposed to U.N.I.C.E's blue interface and standard English. Introduced in "The Fiendish Works of Dr. Fear". The only villain to remain after the PowerSource soft reboot. Stays for the rest of the show's run.
  • Primordious Drool/The Wacky Protestor: Introduced in "Jesus Our Savior (Part 1)". His Primordious Drool form makes its final appearance in "Jesus Our Savior (Part 2)", after which he is transformed into the less effective villain the Wacky Protestor, who appears in every episode to the end of the "Bibleman Adventure" run in "A Fight for Faith."

Bibleman PowerSource (incomplete):

  • Slacker von Lazarus - A villain with hypnotic mind-powers and lasers which he uses to brainwash people into the sin of sloth.
  • Dr. Narcissus - Self-adoring supervillain who corrupts others with self-esteem and independent thought.

Minor Villains (all series) (giving a passing mention or a small fight, but not the main focus of an episode. May appear in multiple episodes):

Merchandising

After it attracted the attention of Christian parents, the producers of BibleMan realized that there was money to be made from this. You can buy the following from the BibleMan website:

  • DVDs
  • Books
  • Action figures

And if you pay enough, you can have BibleMan and his crew perform for you at your church, revival meeting, etc.

Video game

A BibleMan PC game was released in 2005. Despite ads for the game lauding it as "critically acclaimed", virtually no reviews of the game exist on any major game review websites (with the few existing reviews being puff pieces from Christian gaming websites). According to a few independent reviews on YouTube, the game is essentially a poor man's Diablo clone.[4]

Videos

Just a quick sample of the (ahem!) odd sensibilities that one would find in a BibleMan episode. Maybe you should smoke some ganja first.

<iframe src='//www.youtube.com/embed/sTpLaw1C364?' width='400' height='225' frameborder='0' allowfullscreen='true'></iframe>
gollark: \\<@&348696018113658884>
gollark: Escaping @ Staff with a \ seems to produce that. Does it actually ping anyone?
gollark: \<@&348696018113658884>
gollark: I just did.
gollark: \<@&348696018113658884>

Notes
  1. Actually, a store-bought Lightsaber™.
  2. Spelled "Bibleman" on Wikipedia, and "Bible Man" on the Internet Movie Database (IMDb). However, "BibleMan" is the spelling used on the official website, so we're going with that.
  3. Who also seems to be a confirmed bachelor.
  4. At approximately age 5.
  5. Whose career seems to parallel that of washed-up kid actor Kirk Cameron.

References
  1. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=X6jYFSVtNVE
  2. http://gawker.com/378326/christian-tv-bibleman-vs-a-new-york-jew
  3. https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Special:BookSources/0521197449
  4. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zXsHPLl-zFY
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