Dad jokes are fun

Question

We all know the classic dad joke that goes something like this:

1. Somebody says a sentence to describe their self (e.g. I'm tired or I'm confused).

2. A dad-joke enthusiast comes along and replies Hi <adjective>, I'm Dad!, because introductions follow the same format (I'm Peter follows the same format as I'm hungry).

Your job is to take in an input in the form of a self-descriptor, and output the appropriate dad-joke form, but instead of using the word "Dad", you'll use the name of the programming language you're programming in.

Test cases (assume that they are being parsed by Python):

I'm amazing                  Hi amazing, I'm Python!
I'm tired                    Hi tired, I'm Python!
I'm hungry                   Hi hungry, I'm Python!
I'm fat                      Hi fat, I'm Python!

Now assume that these test cases are being parsed by Golfscript:

I'm a programmer             Hi a programmer, I'm Golfscript!
I'm a question-writer        Hi a question-writer, I'm Golfscript!
I'm a Stack-Overflow-er      Hi a Stack-Overflow-er, I'm Golfscript!

The exact challenge:

1. Take in a string in the self-descriptor format (I'm <adjective> or I'm a(n) <noun>) using standard input or through a function.

   • Assume there is no ending punctuation.

   • Assume the word I'm is used and not I am.

2. Convert it to a dad-joke format - see the above examples for exactly how that should look.

Other stuff:

• This is code-golf, so shortest byte count wins.

• Follow the standard loophole rules - none of those, please.

• Have fun!

---

Leaderboard

You can view the leaderboard for this post by expanding the widget/snippet below. In order for your post to be included in the rankings, you need a header (# header text) with the following info:

• The name of the language (end it with a comma , or dash -), followed by...

• The byte count, as the last number to appear in your header.

For example, JavaScript (ES6), 72 bytes is valid, but Fortran, 143 bytes (8-bit) is invalid because the byte count is not the last number in the header (your answer will be recognized as 8 bytes - don't take advantage of this).

<iframe src="https://ozewski.github.io/ppcg-leaderboard/?id=185872" width="100%" height="100%" style="border: none;">Oops, your browser is too old to view this content! Please upgrade to a newer version of your browser that supports HTML5.</iframe><style>html,body{margin:0;padding:0;height:100%;overflow:hidden}</style>

Answer 1

V, 13 bytes

cEHi<esc>A, <C-r>" V!

Try it online!

Inspired by tsh's answer

This takes advantage of the fact that I'm is yanked from the start of the string when deleting the text from the start, and pastes it to the end with <C-r>" while in insert mode.

Answer 2

C (gcc), 59 42 33 bytes

-17 bytes thanks to @Conor O'Brien noticing that the import wasn't necessary

-9 bytes thanks to @tsh pointing out a shorter, UB way of writing the function

a(x){printf("Hi%s, I'm C!",x+3);}

Try it online!

Chops off the first 3 characters of the input (removes I'm) and surrounds it with the desired text.

Answer 3

V, 13 bytes

cEHi<Esc>A, <C-O>p V!

Try it online!

New to V. Just knew it about 30 minutes ago. Anyway, this language is chosen just because its name only cost 1 byte. I'm not sure how to send <End> key in V. Most vim environment would accept <End> as a replacement of <Esc>A in this example. But, you know, V is 2 characters shorter than vim. :)

Thanks to @Candy Gumdrop, saves 1 byte.

Answer 4

Stax, 13 bytes

â∞¿φ‼0▲(─ƒSqÄ

Run and debug it

Unpacked, ungolfed, and commented, it looks like this.

.Hip        print "Hi" with no newline
3tp         trim 3 characters from start of input and print with no newline
            final line is to print the unterminated compressed literal ", I'm stax!"
`dYgAwg_

I moved the final comment up one line since nothing may follow an unterminated string literal.

Run this one

Answer 5

brainfuck, 164

,-.+>,>,----.++++>,.>,[.,]<<<+++++.----->>.[<]>[.>]<[->+++<]>++.[--->+<]>----.+++[->+++<]>++.++++++++.+++++.--------.-[--->+<]>--.+[->+++<]>+.++++++++.+[++>---<]>-.

Try it online!

The "brainfuck!" part of the string is generated with this tool, can probably be golfed further by hand.

Answer 6

Excel, 36 33 bytes

-3 bytes thanks to Johan du Toit.

Input goes into A1.

="Hi "&MID(A1,4,99)&", I'm Excel"

First attempt:

=REPLACE(A1,1,3,"Hi")&", I'm Excel!"

Answer 7

Python 3, 35 34 bytes

lambda s:"Hi%s, I'm Python!"%s[3:]

Try it online!

-1 byte thanks to Embodiment of Ignorance

Also 34 bytes, using the newer formatted strings, thanks to Gábor Fekete:

lambda s:f"Hi{s[3:]}, I'm Python!"

Try it online!

Answer 8

Java, 36 bytes

s->"Hi"+s.substring(3)+", I'm Java!"

Try it online.

Answer 9

R 45 44 39 bytes

@Giuseppe Edit

sub("I'm(.*)","Hi\\1, I'm R",scan(,""))

---

@AaronHayman Edit

function(s)sub("I'm (.*)","Hi \\1, I'm R",s)

---

Try it online!

Answer 10

PHP, 34 32 bytes

Hi<?=substr($argn,3)?>, I'm PHP!

Try it online!

Input via STDIN, call with -F.

$ echo I'm a Stack-Overflow-er|php -F dad.php
Hi a Stack-Overflow-er, I'm PHP!

$ echo I'm hungry|php -F dad.php
Hi hungry, I'm PHP!

Answer 11

x86, 37 36 bytes

$ xxd DAD.COM
00000000: d1ee ac8a d8c6 0024 adc7 0448 698b d6b4  .......$...Hi...
00000010: 09cd 21ba 1901 cd21 c32c 2049 276d 2078  ..!....!., I'm x
00000020: 3836 2124                                86!$

Unassembled:

D1 EE       SHR  SI, 1                  ; point SI to DOS PSP (080H)
AC          LODSB                       ; load string length into AL, advance SI
8A D8       MOV  BL, AL                 ; put string length into BL
C6 40 24    MOV  BYTE PTR[BX][SI], '$'  ; add string terminator to end of string
AD          LODSW                       ; advance SI two chars
C7 04 6948  MOV  WORD PTR[SI], 'iH'     ; replace second and third char with 'Hi'
8B D6       MOV  DX, SI                 ; load string address for INT 21H string function
B4 09       MOV  AH, 9                  ; display a '$' terminated string function
CD 21       INT  21H                    ; call DOS API
BA 0119     MOV  DX, OFFSET S           ; load address for second part of string
CD 21       INT  21H                    ; call DOS API
C3          RET                         ; return to DOS
S  DB ", I'm x86!$"  

A standalone executable DOS program. Input from command line, output to screen.

Download and test DAD.COM.

* The exact "language" name here is a little ambiguous as CPU machine code isn't really a language in a formal sense. Going with "x86" as a generally understood and accepted name for the target platform.

Answer 12

Ruby -p, 32 27 26 bytes

-5 bytes by leveraging Nick Kennedy's Jelly answer.

-1 byte from splitting on a different point in the string. Also realized my old bytecount was wrong.

~/m/;$_="Hi#$', I'm Ruby!"

Explanation

                            # -p gets line of input and saves to $_
~/m/;                       # Find first 'm' in $_ using regex
     $_="Hi#$', I'm Ruby!"  # Save modified string to $_
                            # ($' is the string AFTER the most recent regex match)
                            # -p outputs $_ to screen

Try it online!

Answer 13

Japt, 18 bytes

`Hi{s3}, I'm Japt!

When Japt's string compression library achieves a 0% compress rate...

Try it

Another 18-byte alternative:

`Hi{Ť}, {¯4}Japt!

Answer 14

Octave, 35 bytes

@(s)["Hi" s(4:end) ", I'm Octave!"]

Try it online!

@(s)                                 % Anonymous function taking a string input
    [                             ]  % Concatenate everything inside the brackets
     "Hi"          ", I'm Octave!"]  % The fixed parts of the output string
          s(4:end)                   % The input, except "I'm"

                                     % Returns the concatenated string

42 bytes:

I tried retrieving "Octave" somehow, without writing it out, since 6 chars is quite a lot compared to some of the other language names here. Unfortunately, I could only find ver, which outputs a struct with comma separated fields. Takes way more than 6 bytes. :(

@(s)["Hi" s(4:end) ", I'm " {ver.Name}{1}]

Try it online!

Answer 15

Whitespace, 267 bytes

[S S S T    S S T   S S S N
_Push_72_H][T   N
S S _Print_as_character][S S S T    T   S T S S T   N
_Push_105_i][T  N
S S _Print_as_character][S S S N
_Push_0][S N
S _Duplicate_0][S N
S _Duplicate_0][T   N
T   S _Read_STDIN_as_character][T   N
T   S _Read_STDIN_as_character][T   N
T   S _Read_STDIN_as_character][N
S S N
_Create_Label_INPUT_LOOP][S S S N
_Push_0][S N
S _Duplicate_0][T   N
T   S _Read_STDIN_as_character][T   T   T   _Retrieve][S N
S _Duplicate_input][S S S T S T S N
_Push_10][T S S T   _Subtract][N
T   S S N
_If_0_Jump_to_Label_TRAILING][T N
S S _Print_as_character][N
S N
N
_Jump_to_Label_INPUT_LOOP][N
S S S N
_Create_Label_TRAILING][S N
N
_Discard_top][S S T T   S S S T S T N
_Push_-69_!][S S T  T   N
_Push_-1_e][S S T   T   T   N
_Push_-3_c][S S T   T   S T N
_Push_-5_a][S S S T S T S N
_Push_10_p][S S S T T   S T N
_Push_13_s][S S T   T   N
_Push_-1_e][S S S T T   T   S N
_Push_14_t][S S S T T   N
_Push_3_i][S S S T  S N
_Push_2_h][S S T    T   T   T   T   N
_Push_-15_W][S S T  T   S S S T T   S N
_Push_-70_space][S S S T    T   T   N
_Push_7_m][S S T    T   T   T   T   T   T   N
_Push_-63_'][S S T  T   T   T   S T N
_Push_-29_I][S T    S S T   T   N
_Copy_0-based_3rd_-70_space][S S T  T   T   T   S T S N
_Push_-58_,][N
S S T   N
_Create_Label_PRINT_TRAILING_LOOP][S S S T  T   S S T   T   S N
_Push_102][T    S S S _Add][T   N
S S _Print_as_character][N
S N
T   N
_Jump_to_Label_PRINT_TRAILING_LOOP]

Letters S (space), T (tab), and N (new-line) added as highlighting only.
[..._some_action] added as explanation only.

Since Whitespace inputs one character at a time, the input should contain a trailing newline so it knows when to stop reading characters and the input is done.

Try it online (with raw spaces, tabs, and new-lines only).

Explanation in pseudo-code:

Print "Hi"
Read three characters from STDIN, and do nothing with them
Start INPUT_LOOP:
  Character c = STDIN as character
  If(c == '\n'):
    Call function PRINT_TRAILING
  Print c as character
  Go to next iteration of INPUT_LOOP

function PRINT_TRAILING:
  Discard the top of the stack (the c='\n' that was still on the stack)
  Push "!ecapsetihW m'I ," one character at a time
  Start PRINT_TRAILING_LOOP:
    Print as character
    Go to next iteration of PRINT_TRAILING_LOOP

The characters of ", I'm Whitespace!" are pushed in reversed order, and then printed in a loop. All values of these characters are also lowered by 102, which are added in the loop before printing to save bytes. This constant 102 to lower each character with is generated with this Java program. Also, instead of pushing the value -70 for both spaces twice, the second space in "!ecapsetihW m'I ," is copied from the first with the Copy builtin to save a few bytes.

Answer 16

IBM/Lotus Notes Formula Language, 61 62 bytes

+1 because I hadn't noticed the ! at the end of the output.

"Hi"+@Right(i;"I'm")+", I'm IBM/Lotus Notes Formula Language!"

Computed field formula that takes it's input from an editable field i. It would fail for "I'm an I'm" but since that wouldn't make any sense at all I'm assuming that it won't happen.

Shame that at 32 bytes, the name of the language is more than half the total length of the formula!

Screenshot below showing an example input and output:

Answer 17

sed (-r), 31 28 25 bytes

-3 bytes thanks to Shaggy -3 bytes because -r not needed in output

s/I'm(.*)/Hi\1, I'm sed!/

TIO

Answer 18

Jelly, 20 17 bytes

ṫ4;“'ṫṗḶ/÷!Ṗ»⁾Hi;

Try it online!

A monadic link taking the input as its argument and returning a Jelly string.

Explanation

ṫ4                | everything from 4th character on
  ;“'ṫṗḶ/÷!Ṗ»     | concatenate ", I’m Jelly!" to the end
             ⁾Hi; | concatenate "Hi" to the beginning

Answer 19

Perl 6, 30 28 27 bytes

{S/.../Hi/~", I'm Perl 6!"}

Try it online!

Answer 20

Perl 5 -p, 31 24 bytes

Cut down based on clarifications from OP and a suggestion from @NahuelFouilleul.

/ /;$_="Hi $', $` Perl!"

Try it online!

Answer 21

Rust, 41 bytes

|x:&str|print!("Hi{}, I'm Rust!",&x[3..])

Try it online!

Answer 22

VBA (Excel), 27 28 bytes

?"Hi"Mid([A1],4)", I'm VBA!

Input goes in cell A1 of the Active Sheet in Excel, run code in the Immediate Window

Takes advantage of the fact that "SomeString"SomeValue and SomeValue"SomeString" will implicitly concatenate, and that omitting the third argument from the MID function will take all characters from the end of the input - turning it into a "dump initial characters" function

(-1 byte thanks to Shaggy, but +1 when OP confirmed that all answers should end with an exclamation mark)
(-1 byte thanks to Taylor Scott reminding me that the final double-quote was optional)

Answer 23

Batch, 22 + 3 = 25 bytes

@echo Hi %*, %0 Batch!

+3 bytes for naming this file I'm (with the required .bat extension for Batch files). Invoke as I'm hungry, when it will echo Hi hungry, I'm Batch!.

Answer 24

Jelly,  16  15 bytes

Ḋa⁾Hi“'ṫṗḶ/÷!Ṗ»

A full program accepting a (Python formatted) string argument which prints the result.

Try it online!

How?

Ḋa⁾Hi“'ṫṗḶ/÷!Ṗ» - Link: list of characters    e.g. "I'm a programmer"
Ḋ               - dequeue                          "'m a programmer"
  ⁾Hi           - pair of characters               "Hi"
 a              - logical AND (vectorises)         "Hi a programmer"
     “'ṫṗḶ/÷!Ṗ» - list of characters               ", I'm Jelly!"
                -  - since this is a new leading constant chain the previous result
                -    is implicitly printed (with no trailing newline)
                - program result is implicitly printed (again with no trailing newline)

Note: Ḋ⁾Hio... works too.

Answer 25

J, 22 bytes

', I''m J!',~'Hi',3}.]

Try it online!

Answer 26

JavaScript, 38 37 bytes

x=>`Hi${x.slice(3)}, I'm JavaScript!`

Try it online!

Answer 27

05AB1E, 23 21 bytes

Saved 2 bytes thanks to Kevin Cruijssen

',«#À„Hiš"05AB1E!"ªðý

Try it online!

Explanation

',«                    # append ","
   #                   # split on spaces
    À                  # rotate left
     „Hiš              # prepend "Hi"
         "05AB1E!"ª    # append the language name
                   ðý  # join on spaces

Answer 28

bash, 24 bytes

echo Hi ${@:2}, $1 bash!

TIO

Answer 29

Retina 0.8.2, 26 25 23 bytes

^...
Hi
$
, I'm Retina!

-1 byte thanks to @attinat.
-2 bytes by porting @Adám's QuadR answer, so make sure to upvote him!!

PS: @Neil posted a shorter Retina answer in the new version, so I've changed this answer to Retina 0.8.2 explicitly.

Try it online.

Explanation:

Replace the first three characters with "Hi":

^...
Hi

And then append a trailing ", I'm Retina!" (by replacing the end of the string):

$
, I'm Retina!

Answer 30

Javascript (Node.js in TIO), 60 bytes

s=>"Hi"+s.slice(3)+", I'm J"+process.argv[0].slice(6,15)+"!"

Try it online

Answer 31

QuadR, 22 bytes

^...
$
Hi
, I'm QuadR!

Try it online!

This replaces:

^... three initial characters
and
$ the end-of-line

with

Hi
and
,I'm QuadR
respectively

Answer 32

Retina, 22 21 bytes

3L$`
Hi$', $` Retina!

Try it online! Link includes test cases. Does not work in Retina 0.8.2, so adapt @Adám's QuadR answer instead. Explanation: The pattern is empty, so it matches at every position in the input string. We only need the third (or fourth would work) match however. The substitution is then applied to that match. Within that substitution, $' refers to the rest of the string and $` refers the the beginning of the string.

Answer 33

Wolfram Language (Mathematica), 43 bytes

"Hi"<>#~StringDrop~3<>", I'm Mathematica!"&

Try it online!

Answer 34

Befunge-93, 45 bytes

"iH",,~~~>~# :1+#,_0"!39-egnufeB m'I ,">:#,_@

Try it online!

Dissected:

"iH",,                                           Push then output constant "Hi"
      ~~~                                        Read "I'm" from output, which gets unused
         >~# :1+#,_                              Non-wrapping cat program
                   0"!39-egnufeB m'I ,"          Push null-terminated constant string to stack
                                       >:#,_@    Output string and exit

Answer 35

C (gcc), 49 bytes

+3 Bytes: was not working
-3 Bytes: K&R style function. thanks JohanduToit

This is similar to the answer from Neil A. but takes the input as commandline arguments instead of a function parameter.

main(b,a)char**a;{printf("Hi%s, I'm C!",a[1]+3);}

Try it online!

Answer 36

T-SQL, 44 bytes

SELECT STUFF(v,1,3,'Hi')+', I''m SQL!'FROM t

Input is taken via pre-existing table t with text field v, per our IO standards.

STUFF is shorter than variations using SUBSTRING or RIGHT.

Can handle multiple inputs (as separate rows in t), although that's not required.

Answer 37

Canvas, 19 bytes

ｊｊｊHiŗ, I'm Canvas!

Try it here!

18 bytes only handling single letter names

Answer 38

GFortran, 80 76 bytes

As usual, Fortran string handling is clunky and annoying!

try it online

character(99)S;read(*,'(A)')S
print*,'Hi',trim(S(4:)),', I''m GFortran!'
end

This is how I compile and run it (on Mac with homebrew + gcc + source file dad.f):

$ gfortran -std=gnu -Wextra -Wall -pedantic -ffree-form -fcheck=all -fbacktrace dad.f -o dad.app

Answer 39

PowerShell Core, 53 bytes

Filter f{$_-replace"(...)(.*)",'Hi$2, $1 PowerShell'}

Try it online!

Probably could do more improvement on the regex. Oh well.

Answer 40

Sinclair ZX80 BASIC, 92 tokenized BASIC bytes

As the Sinclair ZX80 character set only allows for upper-case and 'inversed' characters, and doesn't include a single-quote, shifted-E is substituted here. There is no exclamation mark in the ZX80 character set either - Source.

 1 INPUT A$
 2 FOR I=0 TO 2
 3 LET A$=TL$(A$)
 4 NEXT I
 5 PRINT "HI";A$;","
 6 PRINT "I'M SINCLAIR ZX80 BASIC"

How it works:

Line 1 takes the input as a string value to A$; Line 2 - 4 creates a loop to remove the first three characters of the entered value; Line 5 - 6 then outputs the ultimate Dad joke.

Answer 41

AWK, 28 25 bytes

$1="Hi",$0=$0", I'm AWK!"

Try it online!

This program modifies the contents of field "$1" and "$0" in a range pattern. Because no actions are specified after the pattern, the default action {print $0} is executed.

Answer 42

C# (Visual C# Interactive Compiler), 33 bytes

n=>$"Hi{n.Substring(3)}, I'm C#!"

Try it online!

Answer 43

APL+WIN, 31 21 bytes

10 bytes saved by taking on board Adam's comments. Thanks.

"Hi",3↓⎕,", I'm APL!"

Prompts for input string.

Try it online! Courtesy of dzaima/APL

Answer 44

K (ngn/k), 21 bytes

{"Hi",3_x,", I'm K!"}

Try it online!

Answer 45

Red, 39 bytes

func[s][rejoin["Hi"at s 4", I'm Red!"]]

Try it online!

Answer 46

Nim, 32 bytes

s=>"Hi"&s[3..s.len]&", I'm Nim!"

Try it online!

Answer 47

Icon, 52 bytes

procedure d(s);return"Hi"||s[4:0]||", I'm Icon!";end

Try it online!

Answer 48

Haxe, 57 54 bytes

function(x:String)return'Hi${x.substr(3)}, I\'m Haxe!'

Try it online!

Answer 49

Charcoal, 21 bytes

Hi✂Ｓ³Ｐ, I'm Charcoal!

Try it online! Link is to verbose version of code. Explanation: ✂ is the Slice operator which normally takes four arguments, however the use of the P command to output the suffix allows Charcoal to deduce that the last two arguments were omitted.

Answer 50

PowerShell, 42 41 40 37 bytes

^{-1 byte thanks to Spitemaster}

"Hi$($args|% s*g 3), I'm PowerShell!"

Try it online!

There might be a cheaper automatic variable holding the PowerShell version hiding somewhere but I'm not sure. Answer takes the substring after I'm to the end and builds a string with it.

Answer 51

Clojure, 36 bytes

#(str"Hi"(subs % 3)", I'm Clojure!")

Answer 52

SNOBOL4 (CSNOBOL4), 55 bytes

	INPUT "I'M" REM . X
	OUTPUT ="HI" X ", I'M SNOBOL"
END

Try it online!

Answer 53

Lua, 68 59 bytes

function d(s)return(s:gsub("(I\'m)(.*)","Hi%2, %1 Lua"))end

Uses a pattern to swap in the I'm in the original and then returns the joke. Having chucks on a single line like this is valid, but ugly.

Edit: More efficient use of gsub

Answer 54

Kotlin, 34 bytes

"Hi${i.substring(3)}, I'm Kotlin!"

Try it online!

Kotlin, 26 bytes

Is this a loop hole ?

"Hi${i.s(3)}, I'm Kotlin!"

Try it online!

The 26 is definitely a loophole else I can golf it to 5 bytes with:

i.k()

which is meaningless.

Try it online!

Answer 55

Forth (gforth), 40 bytes

: f 3 -3 d+ ." Hi"type ." , I'm Forth!";

Try it online!

Code Explanation

: f                 \ start a new word definition
  3 -3 d+           \ add 3 to the starting address and subtract 3 from the string length
  ." Hi"type        \ output "Hi" followed by all but the first 3 characters of the input string      
  ." , I'm Forth!"; \ output ", I'm Forth!" and end the word definition

Answer 56

VSL, 51 bytes

fn f(s:String){print("Hi "+s[from:4]+", I'm VSL!")}

Glad VSL can now participate in some golfs :)

Try it online! (doesn't have latest VSL so might not work just yet)

Answer 57

ReRegex, 31 bytes

^I'm/Hi/[^!]$/$0, I'm ReRegex!/

This assumes input doesn't end on !.

TIO

Answer 58

Julia 1.0, 30 bytes

s->"Hi$(s[4:end]), I'm Julia!"

Try it online!

Answer 59

Ed, 30 bytes

I couldn't leave a sed answer without an ed answer!

%s/I'm\(.*\)/Hi\1, I'm ed!
wq

Try it online!

Answer 60

JavaScript (V8), 37 bytes

s=>`Hi${s.slice(3)}, I'm JavaScript!`

Try it online!

Answer 61

Pyth, 21 bytes

++"Hi">z3", I'm Pyth!

Try it here

Answer 62

Malbolge, 24477 bytes

Mors sum, Dominus Pestifer Mundi

Hi, Dominus Pestifer Mundi, I'm dad!

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Answer 63

Runic Enchantments, 35 bytes

iiil2="Hi "$5*?S$' $", "$" Runic!"@

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Spaces only need to be escaped if you want to use an adjective or noun-phrase as your <I'm!>. Runic splits input on spaces and newlines and as the challenge specified input as either an <adj> or <noun> as single word tokens, I used this feature to avoid parsing and splitting input with code.

Answer 64

Wren, 37 bytes

Fn.new{|x|"Hi%(x[3..-1]), I'm Wren!"}

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Explanation

Fn.new{|x|                          } // New anonymous function
          "Hi                         // The hi section
             %(x[3..-1])              // THe input sliced, without the "I'm"
                        , I'm Wren!"  // THe third part, the remaining of the string

Answer 65

naz, 122 bytes

2a2x1v7a8m1o3d4m9a1o3d3s1o1x1f5r3x1v2e1o1f0x1x2f0a0x1f0m9a2a4m1o9s3s1o2m9a1o2d3a1o3m8s1o3d4s1o3m9a5a1o9s4s1o9a9a7a1o3d7s1o

Uses a lot of arithmetic instructions to set the register to each of the character values in the dad-joke format.

Works for any input file terminated with the control character STX (U+0002).

Explanation (with 0x instructions removed)

2a2x1v           # Set variable 1 equal to 2
7a8m1o           # Output "H"
3d4m9a1o         # Output "i"
3d3s1o           # Output a space
1x1f5r3x1v2e1o1f # Function 1
                 # Read the 5th byte of input, then remove it from the input
                 # This has the effect of skipping over the self-descriptor's "I'm "
                 # Jump to function 2 if the value of the byte is equal to variable 1
                 # Otherwise, output the byte and jump back to the start of function 1
1x2f0a           # Function 2
                 # Add 0 to the register
1f               # Call function 1
0m9a2a4m1o       # Output ","
9s3s1o           # Output a space
2m9a1o           # Output "I"
2d3a1o           # Output an apostrophe (')
3m8s1o           # Output "m"
3d4s1o           # Output a space
3m9a5a1o         # Output "n"
9s4s1o           # Output "a"
9a9a7a1o         # Output "z"
3d7s1o           # Output "!"

Answer 66

AutoHotkey, 43 bytes

s := "I'm tired"
MsgBox % "Hi"SubStr(s,4)", I'm AutoHotkey!"

Not sure what's considered an output in AutoHotkey and I guess input string is not counted, so in that case the second line is 43 bytes.

Answer 67

Dart, 40 39 bytes

f(s)=>"Hi${s.substring(3)}, I'm Dart!";

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• -1 bytes thanks to Value Ink

Answer 68

AutoIt, 45

Msgbox(0,0,"Hi "&$cmdLine[2]&", I'm AutoIt")

Grabs the second word from the command line and puts it in a popup. (Must be compiled to exe)

Answer 69

TeX, 48 43 bytes

Yes I could save a byte by writing TeX instead of \TeX, but it seems a shame.

\def\s[#1]#2#3#4{}\def~[#1]{Hi\s[]#1, I'm \TeX!}

Update: saved 3 5 bytes thanks to fixed pattern matching.

\def\s[]I'm{}\def~[#1]{Hi\s[]#1, I'm \TeX!}

Test file

\def\s[]I'm{}\def~[#1]{Hi\s[]#1, I'm \TeX!}
~[I'm amazing]
~[I'm hungry]
~[I'm tired]
~[I'm fat]
~[I'm a programmer]
~[I'm a question-writer]
~[I'm a Stack-Overflow-er]
\bye

Output:

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Answer 70

Gema, 20 19 characters

<G>*=Hi*, $1 Gema\!

Sample run:

bash-4.4$ echo -n "I'm amazing" | gema '<G>*=Hi*, $1 Gema\!'
Hi amazing, I'm Gema!

bash-4.4$ echo -n "I'm a programmer" | gema '<G>*=Hi*, $1 Gema\!'
Hi a programmer, I'm Gema!

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Answer 71

Rexx (Regina), 35 bytes

say"Hi"substr(arg(1),4)", I'm Rexx"

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Answer 72

Bean, 30 bytes

00000000: 56d8 8100 d3d0 80a0 5d20 8081 253c 5881  VØ..ÓÐ. ] ..%<X.
00000010: 01c8 69ac a0c9 a7ed a0c2 e5e1 ee21       .Èi¬ É§í Âåáî!

Original JavaScript:

`Hi${a.slice(3)}, I'm Bean!`

The program takes the first line of raw input implicitly in a, removing the first three characters, and outputs the template above using that string.

Demo

---

Test Suite

00000000: 53d0 80d3 d080 a078 2080 8840 a05d 56d8  SÐ.ÓÐ. x ..@ ]VØ
00000010: 8100 d3d0 80a0 5d20 8081 253c 5881 0120  ..ÓÐ. ] ..%<X.. 
00000020: 807b 2381 02c8 69ac a0c9 a7ed a0c2 e5e1  .{#..Èi¬ É§í Âåá
00000030: ee21 0a                                  î!.

Original JavaScript:

_.map(a=>`Hi${a.slice(3)}, I'm Bean!`).join('\n')

The test suite takes all the lines of raw input implicitly in _, applies the first program to each line using map(), then outputs each result per line.

Demo

Answer 73

아희 (Aheui), 319 bytes

밦밚따밬다발빠받밠따따빠따따밟밢밙다다다분
뭏떠벓벑떠떠벐벌벋떠떠벉더너벅번뻐떠뻐떠벊
맣＠섹뵗솬밯삭밧타뿌싿삳빠맣박밯빠싸주마붗
반밚따따두쪼＠썽선처손＠＠＠오섣멓서차소빠
성멓뻐섣멓＠＠＠＠＠＠희＠먛＠셔멓섣멓멓멓

Try it online!

Prints 아희(official Korean name of the language) instead of Aheui, so the code is quite long.

Answer 74

Assembly (gcc, x64, Linux), 315 bytes

h:.int 26952
s:.int 32
g:.asciz ", I'm GNU Assembler!\n"
.globl main
main:
mov %rdi, %r13
mov %rsi, %r14
lea h, %rdi
mov $0, %rax
call printf
mov $2, %r15
l:
lea s, %rdi
mov $0, %rax
call printf
mov (%r14, %r15, 8), %rdi
mov $0, %rax
call printf
inc %r15
cmp %r15, %r13
jg l
lea g, %rdi
mov $0, %rax
call printf
ret

Try it online!

Ungolfed:

.section .bss

.section .data

hi:
.asciz  "Hi"

space:
.asciz  " "

imgnuasm:
.asciz  ", I'm GNU Assembler!\n"

badArgumentCount:
.asciz  "Requires at least two arguments\n"


.section .text
.globl main
main:

cmpq $3, %rdi # must have at least two arguments
jl .error

movq %rdi, %r13 # save argc
movq %rsi, %r14 # save argv

leaq hi, %rdi
movq $0, %rax   #%rax holds how many xmm regs to be used in x86-64
call printf

movq $2, %r15 # because (%r14, %r15(==0), 8) is the program path and (%r14, %r15(==1), 8) is "I'm"

.loopbegin:

  leaq space, %rdi
  movq $0, %rax
  call printf

  movq (%r14, %r15, 8), %rdi #(%r14, %r15, 8)
  movq $0, %rax
  call printf

  incq %r15
  cmp %r15, %r13
  jg .loopbegin


  leaq imgnuasm, %rdi
  movq $0, %rax
  call printf

  jmp .done

.error:
  leaq badArgumentCount, %rdi
  movq $0, %rax #%rax holds how many xmm regs to be used in x86-64
  call printf

.done:
  movq $0, %rax # return 0 (success)
  ret

Answer 75

k, 21 bytes

,[;", I'm k!"]"Hi",3_

Answer 76

C# .NET, 94 bytes

class P{static void Main(string[]a){System.Console.Write($"Hi {a[0].Substring(4)}, I'm C#");}}

Try Online

Answer 77

Clojure - 36 Bytes

#(str"Hi "(subs %4)", I'm Clojure!")

Trivial solution is trivial, probably has room for improvement