Yu Yu Hakusho/Quotes

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Spirit Detective Saga - Season 1

Surprised to be Dead [1.01]

Narrator: "And so it all begins. This boy's name is Yusuke. He's 14 years old and is supposed to be the hero of the story...but oddly enough, he's dead."

Yusuke: "Well, that wasn't normal. Okay Yusuke, just think; it's not like this is the first time you've been in a jam. Today did start off different. I went to school..."

Yusuke: "Hey, nice skirt."

Keiko: "All the girls have to wear these." [Yusuke throws a piece of gum up to catch it in his mouth, but Keiko catches it] "Just like all the boys have to wear blue jumpsuits, which I notice you're not."

Yusuke: "Oh gimme a break Keiko; I look better in green."

Keiko: "Maybe I'd be more tolerant, Yusuke, if I could see you in school more than once every ten days! You give our class a horrible attendance average, which gets me in trouble as a class representative, and plus you won't even be able to graduate middle school! Sometimes I think you don't care about anyone but yourself, and then you don't even do that right. You hear me?"

[Yusuke is behind Keiko, lifting up her skirt]

Yusuke: "Nice uniform. It's lacy."

[Keiko slaps Yusuke, sending him flying]

Keiko: [yelling] "Yusuke, you perv! People like you should be strung up in the street! Dumb boy! Hasn't grown up a bit since he was 4 years old!"

Keiko's Friend 1: "Aren't you just terrified of what he might do to you? Or even worse, what people might say of it?"

Keiko: "Not really. He just wants you to think he's dangerous. On the inside he's more like a lamb."

Keiko's Friend 2: "Yeah, but you haven't heard the latest news about him, Keiko. He's super tough, and he kills for fun!"

Keiko's Friend 1: "Yeah, and if you cross him, he'll whistle for 2,000 bad guys...with guns!"

Keiko: "C'mon, Yusuke doesn't even know how to whistle."

Keiko's Friend 2: "What?"

Keiko: "Besides, Yusuke couldn't order around two people, let alone 2,000. He doesn't have many friends."

Keiko's Friend 1: "Not what I heard."

Keiko's Friend 2: "Yeah, I think we would know."

Yusuke: "It figures that the one day I feel like going to school everyone wants to push on me and give me their stupid lectures! I hate that school. I hate this town!" [walks into his apartment and sees his mother, smoking in her pajamas] "Oh great, Mother of the Year."

Atsuko: "Get me coffee."

Yusuke: "Hey Kuwabara, you're conscious. I'm not used to that!"

Kuwabara: "That was a cheap shot last time and I was only knocked out for a little bit, okay? Now I'm back and I'm gonna beat your face up so bad even kittens won't look at you!"

Yusuke: "Plus, if you were a real messenger of death, you'd take this more seriously. Like, how grim can you be when you say 'bingo?' You're supposed to wear a big black robe and look like a skeleton!"

Botan: "Now I understand what kind of person you are; it's in my guidebook! Rather than be scared or surprised, you yell a lot and tell me I don't know what I'm talking about."

Botan: "It's funny, Yusuke...none of us were expecting you to die today; you've thrown us all for a loop. Run someone with your credentials through that scenario a thousand times and they never would've saved a kid like that. No one saw it coming and quite frankly, we haven't prepared a place for you yet."

Yusuke: "Oh, gimme a freakin' break! Are you telling me you guys were expecting that little boy to die?"

Botan: "Well, I wasn't going to tell you this because I knew it would make you even more irritable, but without the confusion caused by you running into the street, that boy would've actually missed the car and escaped with one less scrape on his right shoulder."

Yusuke: "What? But he was headed right for him!"

Botan: "Yes...well, the driver would have veered to the left. In other words, your death was a complete and utter waste!"

Yusuke: [attending his own wake] "Whoa, all my classmates are here. Just like I thought, look at 'em laughing! They probably just came over here 'cause they were getting extra credit!"

[at Yusuke's wake]

Komada: "Come on, let's go back! This isn't right!"

Kuwabara: "Shut up! Let go of me, wouldja?"

Yusuke: "What? Kuwabara?!"

Kuwabara: [entering Yusuke's apartment while being restrained by his friends and screaming at his picture]"Damn you! You think you can just back out 'cause you're scared!"

Okubo: "Kuwabara, this place is for mourning!"

Kuwabara: "I'm not gonna leave! Not until he comes out here and lets me fight him!"

Okubo: "He can't do that!"

Kuwabara: "I'm gonna beat you down, you punk! You hear me?" [his voice breaks as he tries to hit the picture] "Who do you think you are, huh? Dirty punk! Who am I gonna fight now? Who am I gonna fight?"

Okubo: "He's gone!"

Kuwabara: "No!" [throws a punch at the picture, but stops inches before he hits it, sobbing] "You're supposed to be here...for me."

Takenaka: "At first I was so surprised, Yusuke...to hear you'd saved a kid at the cost of your own life. You've always acted more selfishly than that. Darn. Yusuke, I don't know why I don't feel like speaking well of you." [begins to cry] "Why didn't you stay? You could have made something great out of yourself!"

Little Boy: "Mommy, do you think it'd be okay if I played with that boy tomorrow, if I'm good?"

Mother: "No, son."

Little Boy: "I know some people sounded angry at him, but he's really nice. He made really funny faces at me too, and he got me my ball! I don't know why those people were crying like that. It was probably because they wanted to play with him, too."

Koenma Appears [1.02]

Botan: "This is Yusuke Urameshi, and he's honored to meet you."

Koenma: "Mm-hmm."

Botan: [hitting Yusuke] "Hey, are you trying to make me look stupid? Tell him how honored you are!"

Yusuke: [laughing] "That's a good one, Botan, but let's be serious, okay?"

Botan: "Why would I lie about something like this, you moron?"

Yusuke: [still laughing, pointing at Koenma] "Why would the Spirit World be run by a toddler?"

Botan: [slapping Yusuke's hand] "Don't point your finger at him!"

Yusuke: "And to think I was scared of the mighty King Yama!"

Koenma: [clearing his throat] "Well to be more exact, I am the mighty Koenma, and I am the son of King Yama. Even though I appear to be a child, I have been around over fifty times longer than you have, so watch your mouth when you speak to me."

Yusuke: "So it takes hundreds of years to move past a diaper?"

Botan: [punching Yusuke in the head] "Can't you show an ounce of decency?!"

Koenma: "Actually, I'm proud to say that in addition to knowing the greatest secrets of the universe, I am also quite potty-trained."

Koenma: [presenting a golden egg] "Yusuke Urameshi, I present you...your ordeal."

Yusuke: "My ordeal is a golden chicken egg?"

Koenma: "Your ordeal will be what is inside of it, and I assure you, it won't be a chicken. Hatch this egg, and face what comes out."

Yusuke: "So what's the trick? Do I do something to hatch it?"

Koenma: "No, no, not at all. You only have to keep it with you. This is a Spirit Beast, and it feeds off the energy emitted from your soul. This will be a true and constant test of your character. The things you do and feel will change the monster inside for better...or for worse. If, as would be expected from your files, your spirit is wicked and cruel, then the beast that hatches will be the same way. It will devour you, and you'll be lost forever. This, as you might imagine, is a very painful experience. However, if the energy you emit is good and true, then so will be the Spirit Beast. It will take care of you and guide you back into your living body. Of course, if it sounds too risky, you can opt out and remain as a ghost. The choice, Yusuke Urameshi, is yours."

[Yusuke reaches out, hesitates, then takes the proffered egg]

Keiko: [dreaming that Yusuke's leaving and she's running to catch up with him] "Yusuke! Yusuke, wait!"

[Outside Keiko's dream, Yusuke watches her crying in her sleep]

Keiko: "Wait. Yusuke, wait."

Yusuke: [his ghost sitting on Keiko's chest] "Listen to me, Keiko. I need you to pull yourself together. I'm coming back! It's hard to explain, but I'm a ghost right now and I have to take care of this egg, and then I--"

Keiko: [mumbling] "Yusuke..."

Yusuke: "Hey, are you hearing me? This is important!"

Keiko: "You're heavy."

[Yusuke floats off of her in surprise]

Yusuke: [in Keiko's dream] "I need you to take care of my body until I come back. You've got to tell them not to cremate me. And tell my mom not to waste her life away because we're gonna be fine!"

Keiko: [nods, teary-eyed] "Mm-hmm."

Yusuke: "Well...I guess that's it, Keiko. I'm coming back." [wipes tears off of Keiko's cheek] "I don't wanna see you crying anymore."

Keiko: [waking up] "Oh, Yusuke!" [realizes he's not there] "But he was...I thought...was all that really just a dream?"

[Keiko gasps and places a hand on the cheek Yusuke touched]

Keiko: "No...I'm sure I felt him."

Botan: "This dream your mother had seems to give her comfort, and Keiko doesn't want to take that from her."

Yusuke: "Well, while she's being comforted, I'm gonna be a barbecue!"

Yusuke: [yelling at Botan and pointing at Kuwabara] "You can forget it, Botan! There is no way I'm taking control of that lamebrain!"

Botan: "Here's my impression of Yusuke: 'Look at me, I'm burning!'"

Yusuke: [after beating up some thugs while possessing Kuwabara's body] "Darn, I'm giving Kuwabara a good name."

Yusuke: [while possessing Kuwabara's body] "Pull it together, Yusuke! You found her, but now you've gotta convince her quick that you're not just some ugly weird guy with bruises on his face! No time, no time...okay, I've known her all my life. There's got to be something between us that only I would do!" [realizes what needs to be done] "Yeah!"

[Yusuke, still in possession of Kuwabara's body, sneaks up behind Keiko]

Yusuke: "Keiko! Nice uniform!" [grabs her breasts from behind] "They're so squishy!"

Keiko: "Whether or not I believe isn't the question. I knew it was you from the first time you spoke! I know! And it's not just your stupid gags or how you laugh. There's ways you move and speak that in a hundred years I wouldn't forget!"

Yusuke: [while possessing Kuwabara's body] "I know I've been a bum to you at times, but please wait for me!"

Keiko: "I will! I'd wait forever, Yusuke!"

Keiko: "Atsuko! Please, open the door!"

[Yusuke's mother opens the door, dressed in a black kimono]

Keiko: "Atsuko! I have to tell you about Yusuke! He...he might be coming back!"

Atsuko: "He already has."

Keiko: "Huh?"

Atsuko: "I opened his coffin again because, well, I was going to smack him one more time for leaving me, but then I saw...Yusuke's cheeks have some color! His skin is slightly warm! His heart is beating. It's slow, but...my boy's alive!"

Kuwabara: A Promise Between Men [1.03]

Akashi: [addressing Kuwabara and his gang] "Mm-hmm! As far as causing trouble's concerned, you boys keep topping yourselves! Attacking a trio of older boys from Kazenaga Junior High who, according to their mothers, were quite harmless!" [slamming his hand down on the desk] "Unacceptable! Here at Sarayashiki Junior High we have a thing called accountability!"

Komada: [after Akashi tells them that they cannot fight for one full week or Okubo will lose his part-time job] "Can you make it shorter? How about two hours?" [is pushed back by Kuwabara] "That seems fair, right?"

Kuwabara: "If you want one week, then you got it!"

Kirishima: "But can you do that, Kuwabara?"

Komada: "Three hours! Ask for three!"

Akashi: "I don't know which boost to the school's reputation I like best: kicking out Kuwabara or having Yusuke die on his own!"

Yusuke: "I always said those teachers were out to get me! I'm surprised they didn't run me over themselves!"

Botan: "Kuwabara's so loyal to his friends; I'll have to make a note."

Yusuke: [mocking Botan] "Oh yes, he's so brave." [normally] "You just wait, Botan. This little promise of his won't last for long."

Botan: "You don't think that Kuwabara--"

Yusuke: "Huh?"

[the pair see Akashi trailing Kuwabara on his way home]

Akashi: "Those boys should be arriving any minute now."

Yusuke: "Mr. Akashi? Gee, doesn't this guy have a life besides tormenting kids?"

[the three punks from Kazenaga accost Kuwabara]

Kazenaga Punk 1: "Kuwabara, we've been waiting!"

Kuwabara: "Now's really not the time!" [starts running away]

Kazenaga Punk 1: "What is this, Kuwabara? Are you actually running away like a sissy?"

Kuwabara: [stopping and turning to face them] "Oh, no. I'm not goin' anywhere!"

Kazenaga Punk 2: "He does have the guts to face us without his slave boys!"

Kazenaga Punk 1: "Especially with the ass-kicking we're about to give him!"

Kuwabara: [running back over to them] "Talk all you want! Let's see what you can do!"

Yusuke: "See? What'd I tell ya?"

Botan: "Hmm..."

Akashi: [laughing] "It couldn't be more perfect!"

Kuwabara: "But I'm not gonna fight back, so you just hit me as much as you're gonna and let me get out of here!"

Yusuke and Akashi: "What did he say?!"

Botan: [admiringly] "He's so cool!"

[the three thugs from Kazenaga clobber Kuwabara without resistance]

Akashi: "Kuwabara! Are those new bruises today?"

Kuwabara: "I got piled on by those guys you said were harmless, but I didn't touch 'em!"

Akashi: "I'm so impressed. But I talked to some of the other teachers yesterday about our arrangement, and they said I was too easy on you."

Kuwabara, Komada, Kirishima and Okubo: "What?!"

Akashi: "I was just as surprised as you are, but they were convinced! So, in addition to not fighting, you must all score fifty percent or higher on the Physical Science test!"

Okubo: "Hey! You can't just keep adding conditions!"

Akashi: "I'm afraid I just did...and if one of you fails, Okubo's job goes out the window." [walks away]

Kirishima: [scoffing] "Please! We can pass that test easy if we study a little! I got, like, a forty-five on my last Physical Science test!"

Komada: "No worries here; I scored a fifty-seven. How 'bout you, Okubo?"

Okubo: "Yeah, I got a thirty-nine, so if I try a little harder I'll be good. We're gonna be okay, right Kuwabara? What did you get?"

Kuwabara: "I got a...A SEVEN!"

[the other boys fall over in shock]

Yusuke: "Well what do you know, Kuwabara is stupider than I am!"

Botan: "What did you make on your last test?"

Yusuke: [proudly] "I got a twelve."

Yusuke: [perched on the back of Kuwabara's chair] "It's a good thing I came over to check on him; he's fallen asleep in the final inning!" [gently shaking him] "Hey, Kuwabara! Kuwabara! Wake up and study, doofus! Your test is tomorrow! Ah, seems he's out for good...guess I'll have to show up in his dream."

[inside Kuwabara's dream]

Kuwabara: [seeing Yusuke] "Urameshi! You've come back for a fight, huh? Well, I'm gonna make cat food out of you!"

Yusuke: "Hey, whoa whoa whoa whoa!" [picking up Kuwabara's textbook] "You've gotta pass this test first!"

Kuwabara: [yanking the book out of Yusuke's hands] "Gimme! I was just studying this before you showed up."

[time passes, and Yusuke is holding the book now, quizzing Kuwabara]

Yusuke: "Why is the color of blood red?"

Kuwabara: "Because of all the red blood cells! They color it. That's easy."

Yusuke: "But what's the pigment?"

Kuwabara: "Hemoglobin! I forgot!"

[outside Kuwabara's dream]

Yusuke: "And what causes your blood to clot?"

Kuwabara: [mumbling in his sleep] "Plate...lets..."

Yusuke: [nodding] "Yes...good, good."

Akashi: [grading Kuwabara's test] "This can't be right! That garbage-brain actually scored more than fifty points!" [to himself] "If that brat had only missed one more question...! Now he's thrown the whole plan into the sewer!"

Iwamoto: [tapping Akashi on the shoulder] "Let me show you a different method of grading." [erasing one of Kuwabara's answers] "You see, Mr. Akashi? There really wasn't an answer written there. You've made a mistake."

Akashi: "Yes, I see."

[Akashi has just given back Kuwabara's doctored test]

Kuwabara: [in disbelief] "No! That's wrong!"

Akashi: "And what's really painful is that you were so close! But I'm afraid a promise is a promise, young man. I'll go notify Okubo's employers."

Kuwabara: "But I checked it!"

Akashi: "Oh well. I guess there are many things you can't do right." [walks away]

Kuwabara: [thinking] "I know this isn't right! I checked all the answers myself!" [notices the answer that Akashi erased] "I...I don't believe it! That no-good teacher erased my last answer! Who does he think he is?!" [runs after Akashi in a rage] "I'll show you!"

[Kuwabara charges Akashi and grabs him by his collar, cocking his fist back to strike]

Yusuke: [yelling and grabbing Kuwabara's wrist] "Kuwabara, stop! I don't know if you can hear me, but I'm gonna say this! Just remember Okubo! All the poundings you took for him! Punch this teacher, and all that's erased! Kuwabara!"

[Kuwabara hesitates, then lets go of Akashi]

[Akashi is laughing on the floor as Kuwabara trudges away, disappointed at his test score]

Takenaka: [walking up behind Akashi] "Find something funny, Mr. Akashi?"

Akashi: [hurriedly standing up] "Did you see that, Mr. Takenaka? That hoodlum nearly wrung my neck!"

Takenaka: "Yes, and I think if someone had corrupted my answer sheet the way that you and Mr. Iwamoto did to that boy, I would've wrung your neck too!"

Akashi: [taken aback] "But wait! I don't know what you mean!"

Takenaka: [grabbing Akashi by the collar] "I'm sure that you know how precious the honor system is at this junior high so I'd appreciate it greatly if you didn't lie to my face! Now, you're going to correct that score immediately!"

Akashi: Of course!

[After Kuwabara's test is corrected and Takenaka lets Okubo keep his job, Yusuke and Botan watch the four boys walk away]

Yusuke: "I tried to stop him from hittin' that teacher as a reflex. I didn't think he'd hear me."

Botan: "Kuwabara didn't really hear what you said to him, you know."

Yusuke: "Say what?"

Botan: "They can't hear words unless they're asleep, but you can communicate feelings to living people when they're on the same emotional wavelength. See? You reached Kuwabara with your feelings."

Yusuke: "Hey, gimme a break! Everything's going fine and then you have to get mushy!"

Botan: [amused] "You don't have to be embarrassed."

[the pair notice Kuwabara looking up in their direction]

Yusuke: "Shut up, will you? I think he can hear us talking about him!"

Botan: "Don't worry Yusuke, he definitely can't see us or hear us, though there's a good chance he can feel you after what you went through together."

Kuwabara: [quietly] "Thank you, man."

Requirements for Lovers [1.04]

Sayaka: "Now are we absolutely certain that Keiko wants Yusuke to come back to life again? After all, there's a great deal of manpower involved in making one of these life recoveries run smoothly. There's no point in doing it if the people closest to you don't care!"

Yusuke: "Hey, look. This ordeal thing wasn't my idea, so don't throw me a guilt trip. And as for Keiko, how am I supposed to know? It's clear that if she had any sense she'd want me gone."

Botan: "She wants you back."

Yusuke: "You think so?" [squishes his face with his hands, mocking Keiko] "She always looks at me like this. 'Hey Yusuke, come to school!' 'Hey Yusuke, that's not the right uniform!'" [takes his hands away] "Yeah, she probably just wants me around so she can yell at me and get a better reputation with her teachers."

Botan: "Why do you say things you don't mean? You know she only scolds you because she actually cares about you. Sayaka, I've learned not to listen to him most of the time. He's just embarrassed, is all. He's got the cutest crush on Keiko!"

Yusuke: "Botan! Why don't you nail your stupid mouth shut?!"

Botan: "Why don't you get over your stupid cuties and admit that you like her, Yusuke?!"

Sayaka: "Hmm...smart, athletic, friendly but stern with her friends...her scores are next to perfect! This attraction between Yusuke and Keiko must obviously be one-sided."

Yusuke: "I can hear you."

Sayaka: "The house is on fire."

Botan: "Yes, it seems so."

Yusuke: "My house is on fire! My mom didn't even have the decency to lock the windows for me!"

Botan: "Yusuke, uh, maybe we should focus on other things."

Yusuke: "Keiko, forget about me! You're a lot more important to this world than I am! Don't be stupid! Go back!"

Sayaka: "You do know that without your body you can't come back, don't you?"

Yusuke: "What's the point of being alive if Keiko has to get killed for it?"

Yusuke: "Botan! Please, there's gotta be something I can do!"

Botan: "I'm sorry, Yusuke. I've tried everything in my power."

Sayaka: "There is one way...but you may not be willing to do it."

Yusuke: "I'll decide that for myself! Tell me!"

Sayaka: "You can save her life by using the power that's been gathered by the Spirit Beast you've been carrying with you."

Yusuke: "What?" [pulls out the egg] "You mean this little guy?"

Sayaka: "Throw it in the fire, and it will unleash from the egg and save her."

Yusuke: "And that's all I have to do? Why didn't you say so?"

Sayaka: "But if you hatch the Spirit Beast now, before it's ready, it won't be able to perform its usual duties."

Botan: "So does that mean...if he saves Keiko's life, the beast won't be able to bring Yusuke back?"

Sayaka: "Right. Yusuke will never have a chance to be alive in this world again."

Yusuke: "So my life for hers, huh? I wish someone had told me this morning that I'd make this kind of choice."

Sayaka: "Your time is short, I'm afraid."

Yusuke: [looking at the egg in his hand] "Oh well...it was a good dream." [turns and throws the egg into the fire] "KEIKO!!"

Kuwabara: "WHAT ARE YOU DOING WITH YUSUKE'S BODY?!"

Keiko: "I promise I'll tell you everything, but not right now. We've got to get him somewhere safe."

Kuwabara: "ARE YOU SOME TYPE OF SICK GRAVE-ROBBER?!" [throws Yusuke's body over his shoulder and grabs Keiko's hand, running down the street] "Well, come on! We can't let the police get a hold of you!"

Botan: "Yusuke...things aren't going to be so easy on you for a while. You can't just wander around here anymore; I'll have to take you back. I don't know who Keiko will love in the future, but you cannot interfere. There's no point in her saving her heart for someone she will never have...like you."

[After Yusuke gives up his Spirit Beast, his mother and his friends are talking to his body, thinking he's coming back]

Yusuke: [angrily] "This is so stupid! Isn't someone gonna tell them that they're just talking to a dead body? Stop apologizing, Mom, I'll never be around to say it's okay! I'm dead for good!"

Botan: "It's so sad."

Sayaka: "It can't be helped. He made this decision on his own."

Yusuke: "Okay Botan, just take me to Heaven or Hell or wherever it is I'm going. I'm tired of being here."

Koenma: "Yusuke, you've shown to have more character than I thought. I've been trying to figure out whether people around you really want you back. Contrary to my personal opinion, they actually do. More importantly, you've exhibited astounding potential to be a decent human being. Because this trait is so rare, I've decided to give you another chance. In retrospect, it was a very good thing you threw this egg into the fire. If you had allowed it to hatch, the Spirit Beast, which had been feeding off your constant negative energy, would not have been a pretty sight. It would have bitten your head off. But as you and I know, that's not what happened. You threw the egg into the fire without hesitation, saving Keiko's life at the cost of your own. You have a special quality buried underneath all that crap, and your added experience with death could make you very useful."

Yusuke: [flabbergasted] "You think I'm useful?!"

Yusuke's Back [1.05]

[in Yusuke's new apartment]

Yusuke: "Nice pad. My mom must've had good fire insurance. So are you going to put me back in my body now?"

Koenma: "Not just yet. Energy of the body and energy of the soul have their own wavelengths. Unless the two are perfectly aligned, they cannot join, which won't happen until tomorrow."

Yusuke: [excitedly] "Wow! Starting tomorrow I'll be a human with real fists and everything!"

Koenma: "Well, that's the best case scenario. There is a small problem: the frequencies of your wavelengths, interestingly enough, are lower than most people. If you miss this chance tomorrow, you'll have to wait awhile to realign."

Yusuke: "What are we talking about, like weeks or months?"

Koenma: "Fifty-two years."

Yusuke: [aghast] "Fifty-two years?!"

Koenma: "Yes, but I think it would be wise if you tried to do it tomorrow instead, and in order for that to happen you'll need someone in the Living World who cares about you at least a little bit to donate their life energy."

Yusuke: "You mean like a human sacrifice?"

Koenma: "Are you kidding? I'm not evil. They must give it to you...through the lips!" [seeing Yusuke's horrified expression] "I don't see what's surprising about that; haven't you heard of mouth-to-mouth resuscitation?"

Kuwabara: [waking up screaming] "It's terrifying! I didn't know nightmares could be so bad!"

[in his dream, Kuwabara held Yusuke's glowing body and kissed him]

Kuwabara: [screaming again] "GAH!"

Yusuke: "Come on Kuwabara, get your head out of that damn game and listen to me! I don't want you to think I'm weird or anything, but please please please just kiss me!"

Koenma: "Five more minutes. What will you do if she doesn't make it in time?"

Yusuke: "The only thing I can do: wait around another fifty years. Then I'll go see Keiko when she's an old hag!"

[Keiko has kissed Yusuke just as the clock struck twelve, but he doesn't wake up]

Keiko: "Please come back. I need you. Yusuke, please!" [starts crying] "Yusuke! No, don't go! No! Yusuke!"

Koenma: "She didn't make it."

Botan: [looking around in confusion] "Huh?"

[Keiko is still crying at Yusuke's bedside when he takes a breath, opens his eyes and slowly sits up, looking at her]

Yusuke: "Hey, nice kiss."

Keiko: [throwing her arms around Yusuke, tears of joy running down her cheeks] "Oh, Yusuke!"

Thug 1: "Pardon us sir. Could we borrow a little cash?"

Thug 2: "You see, we've lost our wallets and we need to call our moms."

Thug 1: "You remember how the Golden Rule works, don'tcha?"

Thug 2: "Just give us all the money you've got on, okay?"

Yusuke: "Are you guys talking...to me?"

Thug 1: "Eh?"

Yusuke: "I mean, you see me?"

Thug 2: [clenches one hand into a fist] "Who else would we be threatening, buddy?"

[Yusuke gets misty-eyed and holds Thug 2's fist in his hands]

Yusuke: "I can talk trash to people and even touch them! To be alive is a wonderful thing!" [sighs happily and walks off]

Thug 2: "How dare you! You can't touch me!"

Thug 1: "Leave 'im alone; it ain't right to mess with the crazies."

[Kuwabara has been blackmailed into stealing merchandise, which goes against his honor code]

Kuwabara: [entering the coffee shop with his gang] "Eikichi! Eikichi, where are you?"

Sakamoto: "She's safe here with me. Now let's see what you've got there."

[Kuwabara takes three comic books out of a bag and throws them on the table]

Kuwabara: "There. I got you several kinds; I didn't know what you liked."

Sakamoto: "Well isn't that very interesting, Kuwabara." [holds up a small piece of paper] "Didn't know they gave receipts for stealing!"

Kuwabara: "What difference does it make? I gave you the comic books, now give me Eikichi!"

Sakamoto: "Fool. You've missed the point entirely. I was trying to teach you the thrill of stealing things. This is not what we agreed upon! Now apologize. You heard me. Get on your knees and apologize for being wrong."

Okubo: "Never!"

Komada: "Don't push it, Sakamoto!"

Kuwabara: "Quiet!" [falls to his hands and knees]

Okubo: "Kuwabara, don't!"

Kuwabara: "I'm...sorry, Sakamoto. I was wrong."

Rugafuji Punk 1: "What's that? You were mumbling."

Kuwabara: "I'm sorry I was wrong!"

[the Rugafuji punks laugh]

Yusuke: [in another booth, thinking to himself] "Whoa! This Eikichi girl must be something special to make him sink that low."

Rugafuji Punk 1: "You're pathetic."

Rugafuji Punk 2: "You might as well give us your backbone, too."

Rugafuji Punk 3: [pulling a kitten out of a bag] "I just can't believe you're doing all that for a retarded fuzzball!"

Kuwabara: "Eikichi!"

[Yusuke falls over in shock]

Rugafuji Punk 1: "It's...that guy! It's Yusuke Urameshi!"

Kuwabara: "You...you've really come back from the dead!"

Yusuke: "That's right, and I'm in the mood for a relaxing throwdown!"

Yusuke: [handing Eikichi to Kuwabara] "Here! Hold this guy, wouldja?"

Kuwabara: "Hey! It's a she!"

Mysterious Fortuneteller: "You have all that's required to be detective of the Spirit World."

Yusuke: "That's a fancy title. What do they do?"

Mysterious Fortuneteller: "You'll learn soon enough, Yusuke. The appointment is mandatory."

Yusuke: "Whoa, slow down! How the hell do you know my name?"

Mysterious Fortuneteller: "Don't get fussy! I hope you know mine, too!" [takes off her hood, revealing herself to be Botan]

Yusuke: [after being told that his first case as Spirit Detective starts tomorrow] "Well, so much for the good old R and R."

Three Monsters [1.6]

Kurama: [after Yusuke appears to arrest him, Gouki, and Hiei] Sorry, I don't have time to be arrested.

The Three Eyes of Hiei [1.8]

Hiei: [to Yusuke] You're a team player. A save-the-day superhero. I hate people like you.

Kuwabara's Spirit Sword [1.10]

Yusuke: Tell me. Is that hunch coming from one of those guys?

Kuwabara: Hard to say. I think the feeling is hidden really good. It's just hanging in the air and I can't tell where it's coming from. Sort of like a...a...

Yusuke: Sort of like a fart in a crammed elevator?

Kuwabara: [about his spirit sword] Pretty cool. But how am I supposed to turn it off?

Genbu, the Stone Beast [1.15]

Hiei: The only reason I saved you is because I might need your help.

Kurama: [laughs softly] It's his way of saying "you're welcome". You will learn.

Genbu: I am Genbu, of the Four Saint Beasts. Do you have a request before you die?

Yusuke: Yeah, tell me how a beast is a saint. I'm lost.

Kuwabara: He's a rock, Urameshi! How are we supposed to fight against a talking rock!?

Hiei: [to Yusuke] Obviously, you are underestimating Kurama. Do you know why I chose him to be my partner? To avoid fighting him myself. Watch. He's more cutthroat than I am when it comes to battle and unbelivably precise.

Yusuke [upon seeing Kurama's Rose Whip for the first time] Well, everything's coming up roses.

_____________________________________________________________________________________________________

Dark Tournament Saga - Season 2

Kurama's Stand [2.13]

Hiei: I don't give a damn about their internal disputes. The only important thing is how strong they are. I've fought my share of Ice Warriors. Seriyu, the Blue Dragon fell to my sword quickly enough, but he was no master; he was a fool who thought he could get by on half of his lessons. But if there is any true Ice Master, anyone who completed the full training that his master intended and knows the art of ice...it is Touya.

Touya: [thinking] This doesn't make sense. No one can survive all those direct hits from my ice attack, not unless...[gasps, then speaks aloud to Kurama] You really are dangerous, aren't you? I haven't been making direct hits. You've been blocking your vital points with your own body. You must be very old...experienced...perhaps as I am.

Jin, the Wind Master [2.17]

Jin: I thought I was crazy, Urameshi, but you take the prize. The hell was that? You don't make bombs go BOOM in your face!

Reverse Decisions [2.18]

Touya: [walking forward] Risho! [painfully climbs into the ring] This deceit has gone too far. Don't you see we'll make a mockery of their sacrifices? [flashes back to Gama's death] Gama willfully gave his life for us to win...not cheat our way out.

Risho: [scoffs] Spare me your romantic drivel, Touya. [Touya hisses under his breath] He fought for the light. Now we're going to enjoy it.

Touya: But honor!

Risho: [forms a wristband of earth] Nonsense! [strikes Touya, sending him flying out of the ring and onto the grass] We must always keep our eye on the final goal, Touya. That's why I am the leader...and you are the grunt. [Touya gives Risho a disgusted look before passing out]]

______________________________________________________________________________________________________

Black Chapter Saga - Season 3

Kuwabara: Awakening [3.10]

Kurama: "The footage must be provocative. I confess there was even a time when I wanted to see it." [seeing Yusuke's look] "Was, was."

Yusuke: [thinking] "Geez, he's making me paranoid."

Kurama: "Koenma knows the exact identity of our foe."

Yusuke: "He WHAT?!"

Kurama: "I've planned a formal meeting to..." [trails off when he notices Yusuke is gone]

Yusuke: [into Botan's briefcase] "Earth to toddler bitch! You better speak now before I forever stick that pacifier ten inches down your throat!"

Kurama: [thinking] "Not quite what I planned."

Mitarai: "Have you ever seen hundreds of frightened people, waiting in line to be killed in a camp? Have you seen horsemen raid and destroy a village, dancing on the bodies of their victims while singing happy songs? Have you ever seen a gigantic bomb wipe away millions who have never even picked up a weapon?! A civil war, where a mom is hacked down in front of her child, or a child in front of his mom. And the soldier...breaking up a family who loves each other, leading them into a fire...and his eyes enjoying the torture."

Shizuru: [to a teary-eyed Keiko] "C'mon kid, I think you're way past your sympathy limit."

Kuwabara: "When men do what they're supposed to do, it's not always about what they want."

Mitarai:"You're Yusuke..."

Yusuke: "That's right, Goldie. And that's my bed you're sleepin' in, thanks to the human freight train there, dragging you in so we could stitch you back up."

Sensui's Fall [3.11]

Yusuke: What I wouldn't give to know what stupid bedazzled forehead was saying...

Yusuke: [to Kuwabara] You're like an ugly singer with a good voice; best for back-up!

The Human Race [3.13]

Kurama: [to Mitarai] It's never too late to reform one's ways.

Yusuke: Well, don't I feel special? My own private, personal, localized meteor shower.

Characters

Yusuke Urameshi (浦飯幽助, Urameshi Yūsuke)

You shouldn't talk. It makes you sound stupid.

So sorry you caught me on such a bad day; it makes me a real jerk!

You know, it'd really be embarrassing to get eaten by something that came out of an egg this tiny.

This place looks like a giant throat! Are you sure it's safe?

HEY! Why're you making me glow?!

Yusuke Urameshi, age 14. Survived by his mom and everybody. After going through a big ordeal to get his life back, Yusuke had a brief second chance until he was eaten by a fish! That's right! No heroic death! No fighting evil villans! Fish food!

This is DUUUMMMBBB!!!!!!

Ugly people shouldn't be allowed to smile that much!

Damn, at least one of us should've died!

Since I started this tournament I learned the value of what you gave away, and I won’t let it go, even if I have to give up my life.

You took my teacher, and now I let you take my friend. What the hell do you want from me?

At first I wasn't able to forgive you, now I'm not able to forgive myself.

Fine! You heard fox boy, there's nothing we can do for the old hag if she's already limp. Just gotta keep on truckin, yes sir! I'm gonna go outside and make myself a nice, big, shiny first-place medal, sit in the sun, and have a stupendous friggin day, dammit!

Besides, Hiei and Kurama are too smart and untrusting; they'd never just walk right into your trap. That still left Kuwabara and Botan, and if you dirtbags were low enough to take advantage of the only non-fighter, it wouldn't matter if I lost. Even if you killed me, I would come back from the dead and drop kick your ass.

Hey Sensui, how about it? Ready to feed some worms?

What the hell was that? All my punches were solid, but he brushed them aside like broccoli he didn't order! Didn't even give me a chance to kick his ass!

Maybe there've been times were I've been pissed and hated things, but it wasn't from this work. My dad's a no-show, my mom's lush and school sucks, but this job is the one damn thing I'm good at. If all the crap in my life hasn't screwed be up yet, then neither will this and neither will you.

I don't care if it's a girl, a baby or someone's grandma. I'm gonna fight her anyway.

Alright already, you had me at shut up.

Dammit! I beat Toguro. Then after that I assumed everything else would be a big old piece of cake. Then some rouge spirit detective opens up the freaking gates of hell! And to top it all off, Kuwabara has to get himself kidnapped.

Really, thank you Hiei. I was needing a kick in the ass.

You can't end a good party without someone on the floor.

So maybe I can't defend against attacks from multiple angles, but sometimes a good defense is just kicking ass!

What are you waiting for, your balls to drop?

I don't know what you're trying to pull, but I'm not into this kinky stuff, and you're WAY too old!

First you say I'm faster then you get the heads up on me like I'm an old lady crossing the freeway! Just once I'd like some honesty from the bad guys!

Kazuma Kuwabara (桑原和真, Kuwabara Kazuma)

You know, I really can't stand it when guys pick on people weaker than them...but I guess I'll do it to you anyway!

That's it! My head as a trampoline is where I draw the line!

A mulberry is a tree, Kuwabara is a man. And I'll prove it. We all have to die when our time comes, but if we do our duty we don't got regrets; so taste a little piece of my sword, Toguro!

Hey Koenma, you risked your life on the line for Urameshi's fight and now I'm gonna do the same. So make a place for me, and make sure my wake is as good as his.

I hope you're still behind me! (Running forward with Hiei and Kurama towards an army of cultivated humans)

Hey! Shorty's a lot cooler than I thought.

Kurama really is a fox thing, and to think I let him near my kitten!

That rose whip of his must be ten feet long. Where does he stash it? All the ways I can think of sound kinda painful.

Why does everything you say makes me wanna bash your face in?

Ugly?! Who you callin' ugly?! C'mere you mouse!

Aw, man. You're such a friggin' disgrace. I can't believe I spent so much time trying to defeat such a coward. Now get up and fight!

It smells girly. I don't think I like it.

Stop laughing hamster legs!

How about I gently shove my foot down your throat?

Of all the nerve, assault me and then ask for a meal, you're getting squat!

Bite my ankles shorty, I swear I'll make you cry to your mom! If you have a mom, that is!

Why use a bandage that doesn't make your hurting spots better?

Uh, remind me never to let Hiei touch me again or like ever.

Please no eat me, please no eat, no!

Hey! This is a no dragon-man area, okay?!?

Yeah, awesome, now why don't you go 20 yards that way and fight the rest of those guys?

Oh! You all shut up for the shoulder-monkey!

Okay! you can stop right there! I don't think my ears are old enough to hear this

What are you saying!? Never mind, I don't want to catch your crazy disease

NO! What the hell could be the reason for this!?

Urameshi, you died a hero's death. Sacrificing your life to save billions of others. You've lit our torches and I won't let your death be in vain... even if it means I'll be joining you soon.

Kurama (蔵馬, Kurama)

Rely on impulse and not even your thoughts can betray you.

Any prize worth having requires a risk.

Sorry, I don't have time to be arrested.

Regret is a different beast when you live for centuries.

All the while we've been thinking you were a brilliant strategist when really, you're just a lucky fool.

I thought clowns made everyone else laugh.

You should know better than to corner an animal like a fox... we have a tendency to show our teeth.

I think Monster Beast Doughnut is a perfect name.

No, that's...what I meant by 'contains' is that his armor keeps his power from escaping; definition number two.

Tired hands are better than none.

Logic is panic's prey.

What irony. Such beauty, sprung from such an ugly soil.

Agh, it penetrates my brain!

Nerd violence...

I'm warning you. You so much as bruise what you hold in your hand and I will show you pain. The hue of your soul will cease to matter, because you will not be judged when you die, you will no longer to exist.

These are lamp weeds. They're to show us the way out, like... phosphorescent... bread crumbs.

It is the sinning tree, it sucks the life out of the person it has a hold of. . . so Yes Tuguro, you are a regenerative demon, therefore you will live out your hellish fantasies until the end of time. Rogues like you deserve to be damned.

Hiei! Come join us! We're becoming quite like family!

(To Hiei, concerned, stopping him from using his dragon again) No! You'll kill yourself!

I thought it was going to last much longer than that,I would have liked to toyed with him a little before he died

Hiei (飛影, Hiei )

You're a team player, a save-the-day superhero...I hate people like you.

Tell me, how does it feel to live in a constant haze of stupidity?

He's swinging his sword with the grace of a flyswatter. That's no way to survive.

Kurama, there is no person who does not carry scars upon their heart, and if there were such a man, they would be a shallow soul.

Don't worry fool, we've entered into an alliance and I'm not the type to break it. Of course, after we win the tournament I can't guarantee anything.

Kurama, do not make me come over there and remove that precious thing you call a voice box.

I know as much of games as I do of hugs and puppies, and care for them even less. Wake me for the end of the world.

You already have your fox, your clown, and your hag; I'm a moot point.

This is pure offense; they gave up fighting with their brains a long time ago.

This is the second time today I hold your life in my hands. I somehow doubt that Sensui will be more merciful than I am.

Do I have to kill you to stop you from being foolish?

So my Jagan eye might not be natural...but it does give me exactly what I need!

I have the power to pull you into oblivion. I assume just my right arm will do.

You're of no use.

Even as a child, I found tremendous pleasure in spilling my enemy's blood. Their screams of agony were my music. Once I learned that my mother's frozen tear drop was valuable, I began wearing in open sight of everyone, hoping their greed would entice them to challenge me, thus giving me the opportunity for my next kill.

What repulsive creature makes my eardrums bleed?

My arm did not obey a certain command i gave it, so i decided it needed to be punished.

LITTLE ONE?!

Obviously you are underestimating Kurama. Do you know why I chose him to be my partner? To avoid fighting him myself. Watch, he's more cut-throat then I am when it comes to battle, and unbelievably precise.

(To Sensui) Here's a one way ticket straight to Hell! YOU BASTAARD!

You think he knows it's a circle?

Genkai (幻海, Genkai)

Use the Spirit Wave to float on top of the spike. Good. Now we'll hold this for twelve hours.

It's time you bit the bullet and started caring about something with all your heart and energy, but you can't care about it if you're always holding yourself back in case it doesn't work out!

Don't make me slap you upside the head, just shoot the damn thing!

I know you play by higher standards, but at least give me credit for the nose.

What a silly little girl I was, thinking you would change. I should have known how you would turn out. You had it written in ugly black letters all across your soul.

You've surprised me, Yusuke. I was certain my eagerness had killed my favorite dimwit.

Oh, silly me. I must have forgotten to turn on my hearing aid. When you're a washed up old hag like me, the memory is the first to go.

I fight to get what I need, and I kill whoever gets in my way. I always have.

You’ve trapped yourself in a body you hated hiding in the pain, and now you want to torture yourself again for eternity...haven’t we both paid enough?

If you had used that lump three feet above your ass, you might have held onto your soul. (To Hiei) Make that two feet for you.

If an enemy captures you you're as good as dead. If you remember anything, then remember that.

You cannot go into a fight with out first knowing your enemy's powers! You will lose! How many people in their group, who is their leader, and what is the true nature of their powers...without those things, attacking would be suicide.

Thanks for the real vote of confidence. You two should be cheerleaders, you'd look cute in skirts!

You will remember everything! Everything that went through your head!

Yusuke... Dammit Yusuke, listen to me! Everyone has to fight with time to find their place before their inevitable death. Toguro... he ran away from that fight. Don't you ever do the same. No human is ever a one man show. Every decision that you make will affect the countless people who care about you. Do you understand? You can't be a cocky kid anymore.

Others

Atsuko: You fool! Why? What were you thinking, Yusuke? No one gave you permission to die! You got hit by a car, strong people live through that! Were you mad at me, Yusuke, were you mad? Didn't I raise you good enough?

Atsuko: I just had the strangest dream about Yusuke. Yusuke was living in some other world full of ogres and he kept knocking them down until he became their leader. Sounds like him, doesn't it?

Jin: I thought I was crazy, Urameshi, but you take the prize!

The hell was that?! You don't make bombs go boom in your face!

Shizuru: If you know, then why don't you act on it before you're a deadbeat loser like me?! I didn't help raise you for nothing, and if you keep fighting demons, you're on your own! So decide, the exam for the Maiken High School is coming up! You pass, or you get out!

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