Why You Should Destroy the Planet Earth

How-To Guide

Henchman: Wait I thought we were conquering Earth!
Mastermind: Destroying is conquering. It's true - I looked it up.

—Mastermind: World Conqueror

So you're an aspiring Omnicidal Maniac, alien invader, or plain old disgruntled Mad Scientist or Evil Sorcerer and want to destroy the planet Earth, or at least Kill All Humans? Good for you! However, to avoid being a gauche Generic Doomsday Villain, why not get yourself a proper motivation to destroy humanity from among the items on this list?

1. Because Humans Are the Real Monsters.
   1. Humans are warlike, and it's better to kill 'em before they kill you!
   2. In point of fact: They killed your leader!
   3. Not only that, they have a school in space dedicated to teaching kid geniuses how to destroy you.
   4. Because humanity poses a real threat to your Hidden Space-Elf Village.
   5. Humans are destroying the planet Earth's ecosystem, so killing all humans will save the planet... oh wait, if you destroy the planet, it will also destroy the ecosystem. Well, at least they won't be able to spread like weeds throughout the galaxy, ruining countless other ecosystems.
   6. After creating your race, they've been bad parents.
   7. In fact, they enslaved your robotic/genetic ancestors after creating them.
   8. They'll destroy themselves anyway, so why not do it humanely alienly?
   9. Because it will help patch up relations with neighboring aliens.
   10. Because they invented pop music, Disco or Rap.
   11. Because humans are an inferior race and their existence disturbs the serenity and peace of your wise, benevolent, and in every way more advanced culture. If you wait too long the humans will be ungrateful for being shown your obvious superiority.
   12. Because a band of bratty teenagers found some hand grenades and blew up some of your people. Who knows what the rest of them might do?
   13. Because humans are dirty. Heck they even named their planet dirt.
   14. Worse yet - because they invented this site.
   15. Because they even have sites discussing the reasons for their own destruction!
2. Because Aliens Are Bastards.
   1. It would bring glory to your race.
   2. Because humanity poses a potential threat to your Evil Empire.
   3. Because your ten thousand year old empire cannot tolerate any other race learning the secret of interstellar travel and forming an empire of its own.
   4. After creating humanity, you just want to mess with them.
   5. You created humanity to mess with them.
   6. Because the aliens you planted on the planet eons ago have escaped, so kill them before they can spread any further.
   7. Because humans are just plain hideous.
   8. Because other aliens have destroyed every other planet already.
   9. For reasons your puny mind wouldn't understand.
   10. Because you are collecting conquests.
   11. For the pure joy of it.
   12. We destroyed an "Earth"?
   13. Because humans are a blight and the universe must be cleansed of impurity.
   14. Because you got a traffic ticket last time you visited Earth and are real sore about it.
   15. Because your reasons are utterly incomprehensible.
3. Because Aliens are alien. And hungry.
   1. Humans taste yummy.
   2. The Planet Earth tastes yummy.
   3. Their planet is contaminated by another alien species.
   4. Because Earth is clearly a hideous Death World with a poisonous atmosphere and creatures nothing short of Eldritch Abominations. It is your race's duty to eliminate this terror from the universe.
   5. Because humans (or their souls or something) make a good power source, say perhaps because your race can harvest the energy of their emotions by engaging in vaguely Faustian bargains with humans, and destroying the Earth is the fastest way to get all all those little emotions.
4. Because You Can.
   1. Because you had a bad day, everyone hates or bullies you, and God and the world are bent on making you suffer, while being unable to commit suicide alone, and the only way to make it stop is subjecting all to euthanasia. Waaaaaah! Or getting therapy, but that's expensive.
   2. For Science!! ... or because everybody expects you to.
   3. Because it obstructs your view of Venus.
   4. Because it's in the way of a hyperspace bypass.
   5. Because you need to create a hyperspace shortcut so you can attack your enemy's homeworld directly.
   6. Because they called you mad. You'll show them, YOU'll SHOW THEM ALL!!!' Muwahahahahahaha!!!!! They may not have been wrong, though...
   7. Because if you can't have it, nobody will!
   8. Because you had too much to drink. Admit it, already!
   9. Because it's Tuesday.
   10. Because you're bored and need something to do . I think everyone should destroy a planet at least once. It is so invigorating.
   11. Because life is meaningless, morality a sham and love, hope and dreams are illusions of a deluded mind! Therefore the only worthwhile purpose left is to destroy everything and put an end to the pointless suffering that is existence!!!
   12. Because you ran out of other stuff to fight.
   13. Because you are bored conquering other races, you are seeking a challenge and earth contains the only race in the galaxy worth the bother of destroying.

And of course, it's absolutely possible to destroy the planet Earth, or some other world, purely by accident.

Off-site references:

• qntm.org has such a list.