Why Don't You Marry It?

Maybe you should marry that thing since you love it so much. Do you want to marry it? WELL, I WON'T LET YOU! How does that feel?

—GLaDOS, Portal
Why not marry safe science if you love it so much?
—Cave Johnson, Portal 2

A tendency for people to mock others for having certain hobbies or things they like. They imply that it's a bit more than just "like". They might imply the feeling is actually romantic, or more recently, sexual.

Say someone is talking about their stamp collection, and you get sick of it and say, "Why don't you marry it?" Or say, "You have a stamp fetish?"

Actually used more in Real Life and meta fiction than in actual fiction. Some fans make a crack about authors or characters doing things that aren't really Fetish or Author Appeal, but seem like it anyway.

Again, if it actually is a Fetish or Author Appeal, that would go in those tropes.

Compare Married to the Job, You Need to Get Laid. May lead to Cargo Ship.

Examples of Why Don't You Marry It? include:

"Why don't you marry it?"

  • Pee-Wee's Playhouse used the phrase occasionally, and finally Pee-Wee said, "Perhaps I will!"... to a bowl of fruit. The ceremony was lovely.
  • Used in a flashback in Yu-Gi-Oh the Abridged Series.
    • Also, see Mako, who loved the ocean so much he actually married it. And then divorced. And then they got back together.
  • In Friends, Phoebe gets wasted and mocks Ross for getting so many divorces. "You love divorce so much, you'll probably marry it! But that won't work out and you'll have to get a divorce as well."
  • Our chief Deadpan Snarker in Portal, GLaDOS, even stoops to this when the player is holding on of her fallen personality cores, as quoted above.
    • Also, Cave Johnson, CEO of Aperture Science and complete lunatic on science:

"Science isn't about why, it's about why not. Why is so much of our science dangerous? Why not marry safe science if you love it so much. In fact, why not invent a special safety door that won't hit you in the butt on the way out, because you are fired.

  • There was a scene in Family Guy where after someone states Peter should marries a slice of blueberry pie, and then takes to make it the beneficiary of his life insurance. He eats it in the time it takes to pull the necessary forms.
  • In Transformers Prime Miko says this to Bulkhead when he asks how Arcee is.
  • Ren and Stimpy had an entire episode based on this. (It's a chicken from a grocery store, squick ensues.)
    • And in one of the comic books it's a bag of kitty litter.
  • Tracy Jordan likes Halo so much, he wants to take it out behind the middle school and get it pregnant.
  • On Monsters, Inc. Mike Wazowski thinks he's so romantic he should just marry himself.
  • From Pushing Daisies: "You love secrets. You want to marry secrets and have little half-human half-secrets babies."
  • When Lisa becomes a vegetarian on The Simpsons, annoying twins Sherri and Terri ask her if she's going to marry a carrot. She sarcastically replies "Yes, I'm going to marry a carrot". The twins (whether intentionally or not) miss her sarcasm and giggle madly that she admitted it.
    • In another episode, Homer becomes a minister and starts officiating gay marriages. When Lovejoy complains and cites the Bible, Homer says "Why Don't You Marry It?" and then pronounces them man and wife- with Lovejoy as the wife.
    • In another episode, Homer goes to Africa to become a missionary (and evade collectors). Two natives told him what Craig and Amy (Homer's predecessors) were doing before leaving and Homer was so upset from hearing about them he asked the two natives why they didn't marry Craig and Amy. One native, showing that he Does Not Understand Sarcasm, told the other he knew they should have asked.
  • The spEak You're bRanes blog has the URL ifyoulikeitsomuchwhydontyougolivethere.com. Comes from the overuse of this phrase in the Have Your Say comments that the blog is dedicated to mocking ("If you like China so much, why don't you go live there?")
  • This sign, which was made in response to a group of counter-protesting Christians at a pro-gay marriage protest in Washington DC.
    • Rather ironic, since the Bible makes frequent comparisons of Jesus and the Church to a groom and bride...
  • Avatar: The Last Airbender "Sokka's Master": Katara once accused Toph of this towards Sokka. In an attempt to crack a joke.
  • A late '90s commercial for Cap'n Crunch's Peanut Butter Crunch has a girl ask her older brother this question. "Maybe I will!" he responds, and imagines a montage of scenes of him being married to the cereal.
    • And one from McDonalds involving an older sister, a younger brother, and Apple Dippers. Including the groom's family, which are apples.
    • In the late '80s-early '90s, when AT&T first introduced 3-way calling to residential phone lines, a TV commercial for this feature showed a mom whose son and daughter had grown up and moved out of her home, and who couldn't decide which of her 2 kids she wanted to call more; when she called both of them, the daughter said, "I just love AT&T's new 3-way calling!", to which the son snarked, "Well why don'tcha marry it?"
  • Doctor Cox on Scrubs used this aimed at himself for emphasis in one episode.

I love this moment so much I want to have sex with it.
This moment is so great, I'd cheat on that other moment from before, marry this one, and raise a family of tiny little moments.

  • In the TV movie Blue Window (based on Craig Lucas's play), a woman says, about what she's getting tipsy on, "I love this punch. I want to have a relationship with this punch."
  • A variation in the film The Court Jester:

Roderick: I am king. If it pleases me, you shall marry Griswold.
Gwendolyn: If it pleases you so much, you marry Griswold.

  • In an episode of Arrested Development, George Sr. enjoys an ice cream sandwich whilst in prision. Later in the episode, Michael walks in on Lucille screaming into the phone: "Well, why don't you marry an ice cream sandwich?" As it turns out, she was talking to Gob.
  • A version of this trope appeared on House when a gay man with HIV wanted House to diagnose him (thinking he had something else in addition to the HIV).

House: Now let go of my cane before I make it your new boyfriend.
Kalvin: Honey, I will marry it if you take my case.
House: Congress says you can't, so...

  • Mazinger Z: Kouji Kabuto has this thrown at him by his little brother after spending just a little too much time gushing over a new support unit for the Mazinger. Kouji's reply is along the lines of a not entirely sarcastic "maybe I will," much to the annoyance of Sayaka. And then is the episode where Minerva-X appeared...
  • Sluggy Freelance occasionally uses this trope for Riff's love of hi-tech weaponry.
  • Buffy the Vampire Slayer's Willow said this about Spike and Buffy once. Unfortunately, at the time, Power Incontinence made it so everything she said literally came true. Cue them spending the rest of the episode jumping between being Sickeningly Sweethearts and fighting over their marriage plans. This was before they got together in the series normally, so everyone was very disturbed.
  • Gilmore Girls: "I love my new digital camera, I wanna marry it."
  • In Harry Potter and The Goblet of Fire, after Percy gushes one too many times about his new boss, Ron comments, "They'll be announcing their engagement any day now."
    • And in Harry Potter and The Half Blood Prince, Ron makes a similar statement about the feelings of apparition instructor Wilkie Twycross regarding Hermione- "Oh, she was perfect, obviously. Perfect deliberation, divination, and desperation or whatever the hell it is - we all went for a quick drink in the Three Broomsticks after and you should've heard Twycross going on about her - I'll be surprised if he doesn't pop the question soon."
  • From an iCarly episode: "I love this pie. I wanna be Mrs. Sam... This Pie."
  • From Soul Eater, when Marie Mjolnir complains to her straight-laced friend and fellow Death Scythe Yumi Azusa about having terrible luck with men in the ladies room, Yumi jokes that she should marry the toilet. Marie promptly commits and fantasizes about the wedding. Yumi however points out that toilets aren't exactly faithful, whereupon Marie smashes the toilet in one blow.
    • In the manga, marrying the toilet is her idea. She doesn't want to be any more of a Christmas Cake, so she decides to marry the toilet because it will accept anything given to it without question.
  • Toyed with on The Venture Brothers when Jonas Venture Jnr. reveals his secret weapon:

G-Man #1: If that gun were a woman I'd marry it!"
G-Man #2: If that gun were a woman I'd jeapordise our friendship by sleeping with your hot wife!

  • Used so hilariously in the Animaniacs episode "Balony and Kids", a spoof on Barney and Kids.

Little Boy: There's nothing better to do after school, than stay at school and play!
Little Girl: I love school so much, I wish I could marry it!

  • Little Boy eyes Little Girl with confusion*

Jon Stewart: I do love America!
Stephen Colbert: Then why don't you marry it?
Jon Stewart: Stephen, that's what a fourth grader would say.
Stephen Colbert: A fourth grader who LOVES AMERICA!

  • Done recently in Questionable Content, after Marten visits a new coffee shop with Hannelore because it's too awkward to go back to Coffee of Doom after his awkward breakup with Dora. Hannelore, of course, now works at CoD, and rather angrily invokes this trope as Marten proclaims his approval of the new place.

Hannelore: THIS PLACE IS A BUTT AND YOU ARE ALSO A BUTT

  • South Park episode "200" suggests that Tim Burton should just marry Johnny Depp already.
  • In a Shortpacked! guest strip by Randy Milholland, when Ethan defends the Nightrunner character from recent Batman comics, a customer replies "Jesus! If you love him so much, go fag-marry French Batman." Ethan calmly replies "He's fictional, sir, and gay marriage isn't legal yet. But I've got something just as wonderful." Cut to Ethan's boyfriend, in costume, declaring "Je suis ... Batman!"
  • Saturday Night Live had a sketch on the season 31 episode hosted by Alec Baldwin in which a little boy says he loves hot dogs. Another kid says, "If you love it so much, why doncha marry it?" Cut to 20, 30 years later, and the little boy becames a man (Baldwin) married to a hot dog with two half-human, half-hot dog kids (played by Amy Poehler and Andy Samberg).
  • Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles 2003: Raphael make use of this trope to Donatello when the latter wouldn't stop praising the mousers' robotics.
  • Community: Pierce's retort to Annie standing up for Greendale.
  • From the fanfic Harry Potter and the Methods of Rationality: God he loved his Time-Turner and someday, when they were old enough, they would get married.
  • wheezywaiter married his coffee in You Got it, Dude
  • Darths and Droids

Pete/R2-D2: We're about to recover my dreadnought. My beautiful, precious dreadnought.
Sally/C-3P0: If you love it so much, why don't you marry it?
Pete/R2-D2: Hey, I'm a droid. I've thought about it.
(Beat Panel)
Sally/C-3P0: Ewwww.

Shinn: Minerva! Send me a new chest flyer and the Sword Silhouette!
Meyrin: (Over communications channel) If you love the Sword Silhouette so much, why don’t you marry it?
Shinn: Just do it, Luna’s sister!

"Probably has a fetish for it."

  • Yami mocking Kaiba for his "dragon fetish" in episode 14 of Yu-Gi-Oh!: The Abridged Series. Then there's the whole thing with Kisara...[1]
    • "Believe me, I've looked into it."
  • Lonelygirl15 fans joke that Jonas Wharton has a bathtub fetish, seeing as there are so many scenes of him in the bath.
  • In The Colbert Report, one of "The Word" segments mentions all the horrible things in old classic fairy tales, and a lot of them involve feet, so the caption is "Brothers Grimm must have had a foot fetish."[2]
  • Sapphire accuses Mao of this in regards to his experiments in Disgaea 3: Absence of Justice. You know you've got issues when the certified wackjob of the group calls you a perv.
  • In Survival of the Fittest, an in-universe fan of the show comments that the 'writers' must have a fetish for people getting blown up. Oliver Dodd also accuses Danya of having some kind of fetish for seeing students getting carved up. Some characters enjoy violence a little too much...
  1. ↑ Takahashi has stated that Kaiba's fixation with the Blue Eyes is meant to reflect Priest Seto's relationship with Kisara, although Kaiba's conscious/stated reason is that the BEWD is one of the cornerstones of his absolute beatdown strategy, especially in that no stronger card without adverse summoning conditions or effects existed, nor were any other copies accessible, thereby giving Kaiba a near-monopoly on beatdown.
  2. ↑ One of those tales is The Little Mermaid, which is not by the Brothers Grimm, but Rule of Funny mattered there.
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