What an Idiot!/Real Life

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Those Wacky Nazis

Adolf Hitler was not exactly the sharpest knife in the military drawer. To be honest, despite his notoriety, he was one of the biggest idiots in military history.

• December 7, 1941: Japan bombs Pearl Harbor. Meanwhile, Adolf Hitler's rather busy trying to crush rebellious Great Britain, whose Royal Air Force has been giving his Luftwaffe what-for for the better part of two years.
  • You'd Expect: Hitler to quietly rejoice that the second-largest, most powerful military force in the world is otherwise occupied, particularly since he has the world's largest military force also giving him what-for on the Eastern Front.
  • Instead: He promptly declares war on the United States. This turns out to be a mistake.
• Aviation in World War II was still dominated by propeller driven aircraft. In response to this, the Germans invented the Me-262, the first jet engine, which could have had them ready for offensive maneuvers by 1943. The only problem was it was that early designs presented it as an interceptor, a fast-moving fighter. This made sense, as speed is the biggest advantage jets have over prop planes.
  • You'd Expect: Hitler would not see this as a “problem” at all, recognize the Me-262’s potential, and back the project
  • Instead: Hitler didn’t want interceptors, he wanted fighter-bombers, as in, planes that could carry weapons that made HUGE explosions. So the Me-262 project was scrapped, at least until Hitler could get his fighter-bombers. Of course, there was no reason Hitler couldn’t have allowed Luftwaffe to build these jets while they were working on plans for the fighter-bombers, but Hitler wanted his way right now. And when his bombers saw the light of day in 1945, they were easily blown out of the sky by the Allied planes that now outnumbered them a thousand to one.
• At Stalingrad, Frederick Paulus requested permission to fight his way out of a Soviet encirclement while the Russian forces were still relatively weak.
  • You'd Expect: Hitler would realize that was the best option and grant permission.
  • Instead: Hitler had a “no retreat, fight to the last man” policy that he enforced to ridiculous ends. He lived in some demented fantasy world where he believed the battlefield was like some sappy Lifetime movie where the honor and determination of soldiers would see you to victory, even when the enemy was just as determined and had more firepower backing them up. This is, of course, one of the reasons he flunked military school, As a result, he ordered Paulus to stay put, and as a result, the entire German 6th Panzer Army was lost.
  • To Make Things Worse: Hitler didn’t learn his lesson there. In 1945, his troops wanted to fall back and fortify the eastern bank of the Rhine River, blow up the bridges, and dare the Allied troops to cross. But again, Hitler ordered them not to retreat. The Allies were thus able to decimate most of the resistance there with ease, and the German troops who eventually did retreat had no plan or strategy towards doing so,
  • Worst of All: Hitler was still boasting his propagandic nonsense about determination and honor even during the Siege of Berlin, and forced his men to hold a helpless line against the Oder River, rather than pulling back and tightening the inner city’s defenses. When the Russian army reached the city mere days later, there were only about 80,000 Germans left to defend it, and half were civilians, not nearly enough to deal with the army of 1.6 million angry Russians.
• WWII: Hitler decides to invade Russia. Seeing as this was the cornerstone of his campaign that made him chancellor in the first place.
  • You'd Expect: Hitler to analyze the geography and climate of his enemy, and realise that invading Russia successfully is only slightly more difficult than flying to Mars sans space shuttle. (Hint: Russia is enormous, has horrible climate, and is full of Russians. This makes it almost impossible to successfully invade, and therefore makes Hitler's decision only slightly less moronic than the aforementioned declaration of war on the USA.)
  • Instead: He invades Russia. The battle is an almost total rout, as the entire population of Germany is likely not a sizable enough force to successfully invade Russia, especially considering his supply lines were almost totally cut off. All this ends with most of Hitler's army dead of starvation, freezing, or both.
  • And As If That Wasn't Bad Enough: He invades Russia in August. Yes, right at the beginning of the cold weather season. He invades the one place on the planet absolutely infamous for defeating invaders with winter, right at the beginning of fall. Admittedly, the original plan was to invade during spring and was delayed only because of Germany's need to go assist Italy in the Greek campaign, but even so, given his shaky grasp of how logistics worked, he figured all he had to do was barge in, kick down the doors, and take over, and they'd be done by the end of September. (Did we mention, by the way, that Hitler was batshit insane?)
  • But the Hole Still Has No Bottom: When you consider that the first part of Russia he conquered was the Ukraine, which has never liked being part of Russia in the first place and was openly welcoming the Nazis in and eagerly offering to join in and help Hitler conquer the rest of Russia. With 20+ million Ukrainians, already used to Russian conditions, plus the rich logistical potential of the Ukraine breadbasket, accepting their aid would have given Hitler a fair shot at being the first man to successfully conquer Russia considering how close he came in reality. So what does Hitler do? Start murdering and oppressing the Ukrainians wholesale. He actually brutalized them to the point where the Ukrainians cheerfully accepted Stalin as an alternative. Now that must have taken some doing.
  • Was there no end to this man's stupidity?: The German army also knew they needed a new weapon for such a campaign, one with the accuracy, range, and armor-piercing capabilities of a rifle combined with the high rate of fire, fast reload time, and maneuverability of a submachine gun. They came up with the MbK-42, the world's first assault rifle, and early testing proved, to say the least, astounding. Clearly this new weapon could have decimated Russian troops with ease. But in a political fight in Berlin, Hitler threw a hissy fit and scrapped the plans for this weapon, just to show its funders that he was in charge. By the time he listened to reason and allowed the project to continue, it was 1943, and the German army was getting their ass handed to them by the Russians.
• Yet another German technological breakthrough were the V1 and V2 ballistic rockets, a weapon still being used by modern armies.These weapons could rain unholy hellfire on enemy troops, with frightening accuracy from hundreds of miles away, decimating whole armies.
  • You'd Expect: Hitler would use these long-range rockets in the way they were designed, against enemy troop formations, supply lines, and other military targets.
  • Instead: As frightening and lethal as these long-range missiles were, they had limits. Hitler figured “long range” meant “unlimited range”, and used them on civilian targets way too far away for their then-primitive targeting systems to work right. Rather than use them against enemy forces situated around Germany’s borders, he launched them at London itself, where they were shot down with ease.
• One of the earliest German victories in the war came when Field Marshal Rundstedt brilliantly tore through the Ardennes Forest and circled around the Maginot Line. France fell without much of a fight, setting themselves up for decades of Cheese Eating Surrender Monkey jokes. Eventually, General Erwin Rommel suggested protecting Normandy claiming the allies would strike there instead of Calais.
  • You'd Expect: Hitler would trust the opinion of someone who actually had enough military experience to hold the rank of General, and agree with Rommel.
  • Instead: Hitler was notorious for not listening to his generals, and insisted the attack would come through Calais, ordering Rommel to stay put.
  • To Make Things Worse: When the Allies did attack though Normandy, Rommel wanted to move his troops there to intercept them. Hitler moronically still thought the “real” attack would come through Calais, even as thousands of Allied troops were storming the beaches at Normandy. By the time he finally listened, it was too late, and France was lost.
• World War II, the invasion of Normandy: Adolf Hitler's armies defending France are equipped with many deadly, high-powered Panzer tanks that will prove to be a nightmare for the Allies when they try to liberate France.
  • You'd Expect: That Der Fuhrer would authorize his generals to unleash the Panzers whenever it was tactically necessary, and use their resources as efficiently as they can.
  • Instead: Hitler orders that the Panzers can only be used with his personal authorization. He's also completely terrified his subordinates, and lets them know that he hates being woken up in the middle of the night. Unfortunately, when the invasion of Normandy begins, Hitler is asleep and his stooges are too terrified of his wrath to go in and wake him up so he can give the order to use the Panzers. The end result is a Crowning Moment of Awesome for the Allies, and the beginning of the end for Nazi Germany.
• The Holocaust was the result of the Final Solution, a nice way of saying "complete eradication of all Jews, Roma, homosexuals, the physically and mentally handicapped, and many other racial or political 'undesirables'." One of the darkest times in recent human history, the Nazis committed mass-murder of at least 17 million innocents. If an organization can truly pass a Moral Event Horizon, this was where the Nazis did so.
  • You'd Expect: The orchestrators of this plot would destroy evidence of it and keep it concealed. After all, no matter how well-intentioned a ruler claims such an act is (and it never is), nobody ever views genocide fondly.
  • Instead: The Nazis proudly documented and recorded their acts, believing future generations would view them as heroes. (Again, they were bat-shit insane.) As a result, the horrific photos of emancipated, broken, naked prisoners and films of mounds of corpses in mass graves became key pieces of evidence at Nuremberg, and proof of the atrocities of the Holocaust, damning the Nazis for as long as they will be remembered.

Sports

• Prodrive, a British racing team, got an F1 entry for 2008 which was based on using a customer chassis by McLaren-Mercedes. In Formula One, customer chassis were an area of dubious loopholes and it was very likely that mid-field teams would file protest against such a tactic.
  • You'd Expect: David Richards and Prodrive preparing a contingency plan in case a team files protest and costumer chassis get disallowed.
  • Instead: They let themselves get caught on the wrong foot and forfeit their entry for 2008.
• In the 2011 NCAA Tournament, Ohio State played Kentucky. The Wildcats have just hit a shot to go up by two points with about five seconds left, and the Buckeyes have timeouts left.
  • You'd Expect: Thad Matta to call a timeout to help set up a final shot.
  • Instead: The Buckeyes try and get the ball up the court quickly, resulting in a bad shot and an early exit from the tournament.
• Stan Kroenke, owner of the Denver Nuggets and their home arena, the Pepsi Center, is faced with the genuine possibility that his team might make the NBA playoffs. Problem is, he'd already scheduled a WWE Monday Night Raw broadcast during playoff week when, should the team actually make the playoffs, there's a 50/50 chance they'd be playing a home game.
  • You'd Think: That Kroenke would alert WWE to the possible conflict months in advance, and allow them the possibility that they may need to find another venue for that date.
  • Instead: He waits until the Nuggets make the playoffs and the playoff schedule was officially announced (which deemed the Monday night game a home game), thus giving WWE all of six days to move their event somewhere else. And offered them a much, much smaller venue to run their broadcast from. And did all this to Vince McMahon, widely acknowledged as the world's richest carny. The whole thing spun into a vicious firestorm of negative publicity for Kroenke, the Nuggets, and the NBA, which Vince was only too happy to stoke, making the rounds of various sports shows to talk about how little confidence Kroenke had in his team. The Nuggets' playoff rivals, the Los Angeles Lakers, got in on the Nugget-bashing by giving WWE their arena, the Staples Center, to do the broadcast. All in all, the whole fiasco meant tons of lost revenue for Denver and a whole lot of egg on Kroenke's face.

Other Real Life Examples

• On February 26, 1993, Mohammed Salameh used a Ryder truck to try to blow up the World Trade Center.
  • You'd Expect: That he'd be more concerned about hiding from arrest than about getting a few bucks back.
  • Instead: He makes a phone call to the company that rented him the truck, claiming that it was "stolen".
• The one and only thing Paris Hilton has to do in order to claim her vast inheritance is to behave like a decent, civilized human being.
  • You’d Expect: She'd behave like a decent, civilized human being.
  • Instead: She parties constantly, drinks and drugs to excess, makes a sex tape that leaks onto the internet, winds up in prison for several probation violations, and just generally embarrasses her family. Grandpa (Barron Hilton) pledges her cut of the Hilton fortune to charity.
  • And in a subversion of the trope: Ms. Hilton, in a strange fit of smartness, decide to reinvent herself and monetize her celebutante image. As a result, she has built a small fortune purely by endorsing cosmetic products and appearing in parties and reality shows, becoming a independent businesswoman who doesn't need to inherit to keep doing well.
• Global Radio, the British equivalent of Clear Channel, decide to rebrand some stations in the East Midlands to "Capital".
  • You'd Expect: Listeners would accept the name, and think nothing has changed but the name (as they have done in North America).
  • Instead: They remove all local shows from RAM FM and Leicester Sound, relaying 96 Trent FM instead, and drop the local 1-4:00 PM (London time GMT) afternoon show off 96 Trent FM. The station becomes local only at breakfast (6-10:00 Am), drivetime (4-7:00 PM) and Saturday/Sunday morning (9:00 AM to 1:00 PM, previously 8:00 AM to Noon). Cue protests from listeners on social networking sites and complaints of They Changed It, Now It Sucks. Whether they did or not, opinions will differ on this.
• It's 1187, and Saladin, having marched 30 000 men into Palestine, has to, somehow, beat the 20 000 men that the Crusaders could call up. The Fatimid king can only beat the crusaders on the field instead of sieges - and Saladin prepares to exploit this, baiting a trap for Guy of Lusignan, king of Jerusalem by besieging a fortress which belongs to another high commander of the Crusaders, Raynald of Châtillon. Saladin leaves his main army behind to further improve his chances of making the bait work.
  • You'd Expect: As Raynald pointed out - stay where they are, in a safe place near an oasis. However, he was called a coward...
  • Instead: Which led to chivalry's notion of bravery rearing its ugly head. Guy marches his army through the desert - getting harassed by Muslim light cavalry along the way. Saladin forced the crusaders onto a plateau - thirsty, demoralized and with a situation so bad five Christian knights defecting to the Muslim side, the Crusaders attempted to get to the springs of Hattin - resulting in a battle in which the Crusaders get destroyed and Guy and Raynald captured. As Saladin wrote later on, "Satan incited Guy to do what ran counter to his purpose." indeed.
• In 2000, the body of of Dariusz Janiszewski, a Polish store owner, was discovered floating in a lake near her home in Wroclaw, Czech Republic. An obvious homicide, the police initially had no leads and no suspects. Nobody knew anyone who wanted Janiszewski dead, he had no illicit contacts, no grudges against anyone, and nothing had been stolen from his house or business. The press even called it "the perfect crime".
  • You'd Expect: Whoever killed Janiszewski would lay low and avoid drawing attention. After all, this was a cold case that would not be solved unless the killer told the whole world he had done it.
  • Instead: That's exactly what happened. The murderer, it seemed, was Krystian Bala, a moderately well-established mystery author, who had killed Janiszewski in a jealous rage after assuming Janiszewski was sleeping with his estranged wife. In 2003, Bala wrote a book titled Amuk, the plot of which involved a murder case that seemed nearly identical to that of Janiszewski's. Eventually, a cop involved in the investigation got ahold of it and figured it was far too similar to be a coincidence. With the investigation now focused on a suspect, more evidence against Bala was found, and he was eventually arrested and convicted. He is now serving a 25-year sentence.
  • As If That Weren't Bad Enough: It is fortunate police caught Bala when they did, as they found a manuscript on his PCs hard drive detailing a second murder he was planning. It seemed he was going to do the same thing again.
• A science teacher at a local high school wanted to get out of work several times, so she creates a fake jury duty notice to show to her superiors.
  • You'd Expect: That the teacher would double check the fake notice to make sure it looked legit.
  • Instead: The woman wound up making several spelling errors (sighted instead of cited, trails instead of trials, etc.) on the documents, which got her bosses to catch on and fire her, plus forcing her to pay back the money she took from the Department of Education during her "time off" from work.
• A young second grade teacher decides she wants to take a break. She calls in a sick day.
  • You'd Expect: She and her husband would take in a movie or maybe a ball game. At the very least, you'd expect her to do something low-key.
  • Instead: She dons a bikini, goes on shock jock Howard Stern's radio show, and wins a "hot wife" contest. Pictures of her are put on Stern's website. She then comes home to find that her school found out about the Stern show, and that they have fired her because she violated a school district morality code by both going on the show and taking a sick day under false pretenses.
  • So: She sues the school district, despite the fact that the morality clause was in the contract that she signed when she took the job. She loses the prize money she won from the Stern show to lawyer fees, and she still has no job with the school district post-lawsuit.

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