Up in Smoke (fanfic)/Funny

• Pedro and the Man meet for the first time when Chong hitchhikes with fake breasts.

Man: I Slept in a ditch last night and almost froze my balls off.
Pedro: I didn't even think you had any!

• Pedro, trying to find a joint to share with Chong:

Pedro: No, that's my dick...[finds it] Here it is.
Chong: I hope your dick's bigger than this, man.

• "Am I driving OK?" [They're parked.]

• "Hey don't take those, man."

"You just ate the most acid I ever seen anyone eat in my life."

• Cheech, talking to the cop while stoned.

"My license? It's on the bumper."
"Here's your momma!"
"His name is RAAAAAALPH, man."

• Chong spills Ajax on a plate. A woman sees it and thinks that it's cocaine...

• The marijuana van is overheating. A cop pulls Pedro and Chong over and gets high off the fumes.

Cop: "What do you guys want?"
Cop: "Do you mind if I have a, bite of your, ah, hot dog?"

Chong: "What was he on, man?

Cheech: "I don't know but I wish we had some of it!"

• Chong on the police dispatch with Sgt. Stadenko: "Was that Lard Ass?" "HARD HAT, HARD HAT!!!"
  • In a deleted scene: "The van was last seen headed to your momma's bedroom."
  • The end to that bit:

"Radio dispatch! Do you know who this is?"
"No, who is this is?"
"This is Sargent Stadenko!"
"Oh, yeah? You know who this is?"
"...No...!"
"Bye-bye, lardass!"

• "Fuck me, Alex!"
  • "I didn't know your name was Alex, man!"

• The entire Alice Bowie performance.

• "You mean we're smoking dogshit, man?"