Two and a Half Men/Quotes

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Character quotes

Charlie: (to Alan) Get out of my house.

Berta: I ain't cleaning that up.

Season 1

Pilot / Most Chicks Won't Eat Veal [1.1]

Charlie: How did you get in my house?

Alan: Okay, Charlie, the key in the fake rock only works if it's among other rocks, not sitting on your welcome mat!

Charlie: Excuse me, but if you put the fake rock in with a bunch of other rocks, it's impossible to find when you're drunk.

Jake: Why is your head exploding?

Charlie: Well, I drank a little too much wine last night.

Jake: If it makes you feel bad, why do you drink it?

Charlie: Nobody likes a wiseass, Jake.

Jake: You have to put a dollar in the swear jar. You said "ass."

Charlie: Tell you what... here's twenty. That should cover me until lunch.

Jake: My parents are splitting up.

Charlie: Yeah, looks that way. You're lucky. When I was a kid I could only dream about my parents splitting up.

Jake: Your mom is my grandma.

Charlie: Yeah.

Jake: Grandma says you're a bitter disappointment.

Charlie: Look at you all grown up and back living with Mom. How good do you feel about yourself right now, on a scale from 1 to...2?

Big Flappy Bastards [1.2]

Alan [to Jake]: Oh, oh, remember, you're being punished. So no TV, no computer, no Game Boy. Charlie, I need you to be my eyes and ears.

Charlie: OK, but you have to be my liver and prostate.

Alan: OK, I put the groceries away, I folded the laundry, I put Jake to bed....

Charlie: The guilt thing doesn't work on me, Alan.

Alan: Yeah, well it's all I got. I gotta go.

Charlie: Where are you going?

Alan: Take out the garbage.

Charlie: Today wasn't garbage day.

Alan: No, not here, at Judith's.

Charlie: At Judith's? Alan, your wife threw you out.

Alan: Well that doesn't mean she doesn't need me anymore.

Charlie: It kinda does. So, how do you lift those garbage cans without a spine?

Alan: ...The-they're on wheels.

Go East on Sunset Until You Reach the Gates of Hell [1.3]

Alan: We can't go out tonight. We're getting up early to go to Disneyland.

Charlie: "We"?

Alan: Yeah. I thought maybe you'd want to come with us.

Charlie: Alan, I'm not thrilled about having one small rodent in my house. Why would I drive 50 miles to see their kingdom?

Cab Driver: Your mother sounds like a real piece of work.

Charlie: Ah, you have no idea, my friend. My mother took my baby brother and dipped him in sissy sauce, and turned him into the people-pleasing control freak you see today.

Alan: That's right! And — and she made him so scared of intimacy that — that he has just this endless stream of gorgeous girls running in and out of his life.

Charlie: Damn her.

Cab Driver: You know, many psychologists agree: Until the core maternal relationship is resolved, most men are doomed to repeat dysfunctional childhood patterns.

Charlie: Just drive the cab, Dr. Phil.

Judith: [About Jake] He can't go in the water this weekend, he's got an ear infection.

Jake: Awwwww, Mom...

Alan: No, it's OK, pal, we'll have a great weekend. We can go to Disneyland, we can play miniature golf, go bowling, bike riding, whatever you want.

Charlie: Alan, relax. You're starting to sound like a tampon commercial.

If I Can't Write My Chocolate Song I'm Going to Take a Nap [1.4]

Alan: I even made your coffee.

Charlie: Thank you. [takes a sip] No, uh-uh. Not as good as Berta's.

Alan: But... it's her coffee! I just-- I just pushed the button.

Charlie: Berta's tasted... I don't know, Christmassy.

Alan: Wh-- what does that mean, "Christmassy"? What--

Charlie: It means "like Christmas".

Alan: No, you... you gotta work with me, Charlie. I mean, nutmeg, cinnamon, powdered reindeer...

Charlie: I don't know. It's just that when you drank it, it just felt like Christmas morning and anything was possible.

[Berta has lower back pain while lifting up a laundry basket]

Alan: You, uh, you do a lot of lifting? [Berta gives him a dirty look] Of course you do. You're a maid, and I'm an ass.

Berta: I'm a housekeeper.

Alan: Of course.

Berta: And you're an ass.

Alan: You know what, Charlie? You're impossible! I give up. I'll go get Berta back.

Charlie: Fine! Good!

Alan: All right, where does she live?

Charlie: I don't know.

Alan: All right, what's her last name?

Charlie: I don't know.

Alan: Your entire life revolves around this woman and you don't know anything about her!

Charlie: Wait!.... She took a bus!

Alan: I stand corrected.

The Last Thing You Want Is to Wind Up With a Hump [1.5]

Alan: Jake, for the last time, nobody got creamed. No one won, no one lost.

Jake: Yeah, except for us, 12 to 2.

Charlie: Hey, pal, it doesn't matter if you win or lose. It's whether or not you beat the spread.

Charlie: Hey, we're here for fun, right? Nobody wins or loses.

Alan: Oh, come on! Somebody always loses! [stands up] Who are we kidding? It's 8 to 1 out there and everybody here knows it. And-- and you know, I'll tell you another thing! We haven't won a game all season, and I'm putting that in the newsletter! And as God as my witness, there will be a newsletter!

Jake: Dad, you're kind of freaking everybody out here.

Charlie: Forget it, Jake. It's Sherman Oaks.

Did You Check With the Captain of the Flying Monkeys? [1.6]

Evelyn: I want you two and Jake to come to dinner and meet Tommy.

Both: Well...

Alan: Jake has this thing...

Charlie: Got work.

Alan: Judith will have Jake.

Charlie: Don't really want to.

[Evelyn finds out that Charlie previously dated her boyfriend Tommy's daughter, Olivia]

Evelyn: Is there anyone in the 310 area code that you have not mounted?

Charlie: Come on, we went out a couple of times. She assumed it was an exclusive thing, and when she found out it wasn't, she got a little upset. [waves at Olivia after she stares at him] Anyway, Tommy seems like a real nice guy. I'm-- I'm very happy for you. Good night. [starts to leave]

Evelyn: Charles, you are not going anywhere. This man is very important to me. Now, we are going to have a nice dinner, you are going to be charming, and Tommy will remain oblivious to the fact that you defiled his daughter.

Charlie: Hey, she wasn't exactly filed when I met her!

If They Do Go Either Way, They're Usually Fake [1.7]

Alan: Charlie, there is a half-naked woman in our kitchen!

Charlie: Which half?

Alan: Hey, where have you been?

Charlie: I just had lunch with my mother and my stalker. They spent the afternoon eating off each other's plates and discussing my fear of intimacy.

Alan: You do have that, you know. Well, anyway, look, can we talk about this picture Jake drew?

Charlie: What's to talk about? He's a boy. He saw a woman's ass. He liked it. Thank your lucky stars it wasn't the cable guy's ass and move on!

[Jake enters the kitchen]

Jake: Hey, Dad, where's "Can-cun"?

Alan: Cancún?

Jake: No, it's spelled "Can-cun".

Alan: It's in Mexico. Why?

Jake: We should go there for Christmas instead of Aunt Betty's.

Alan: What are you reading?

Jake: Sports Illustrated, but it's mostly ladies in bathing suits.

Twenty-Five Little Pre-pubers Without a Snoot-ful [1.8]

Charlie: So what's the deal with your teacher?

Jake: Miss Tuttle? She's very strict.

Charlie: That could work.

Judith [to the class]: OK, everybody, what we're gonna do is put the girls on one side and the boys on the other.

Alan: Sure, start splitting them up early. That's your answer for everything, isn't it?

Judith: Excuse me?

Alan: Uh, would Mrs. Plaintiff please see Mr. Respondent in the hallway?

Jake: Hey, what you doing?

Charlie: Trying to find some plausible connection between my jingles and the Industrial Revolution. What’s up?

Jake: I just talked to my dad. He said that he and Mom aren’t getting back together again.

Charlie: Yea. [puts the book down] How you doing with that?

Jake: I’m not sure. I like that I get to stay here on weekends.

Charlie: That’s cool. I like that, too. But you gotta be sad about your folks though, right?

Jake: No, I’m okay.

Charlie: Jake, it’s okay to feel sad, I’ve been told. And this is a sad thing.

Jake: My dad’s not sad.

Charlie: Of course he is. He’s just trying to protect you.

Jake: From what?

Charlie: From being sad. [Jake frowns] Yea, I know, it’s a vicious circle. But the liquor industry is built on it.

Jake: What?

Charlie: It’s not important. All you need to know is that we all feel sad sometimes and it’s okay. Understand?

Jake: Yea.

[Charlie holds out his fist and Jake bangs his fist against it. Jake gets up and goes through to the next room where Alan is sitting at his desk.]

Alan: Hey buddy.

[Jake doesn’t say anything but just gives him a big hug.]

Jake: It’s okay, Dad.

Phase One, Complete [1.9]

Charlie: Look Jake, I'm sorry about the Wendy thing, but there's nothing I can do about it. And I want us to be buddies again. I don't want you to hate me anymore.

Jake: I don't hate you.

Charlie: Good.

Jake: I'm just very disappointed in you.

Charlie: Hey, I get enough of that crap from my mother.

Charlie: It's not that I don't care what you want. It's just that... you're a kid. What you want doesn't matter. [Jake folds his arms in disgust] Wow. I do suck.

Merry Thanksgiving [1.10]

Charlie: I have a kid now.

Lisa: Oh, God, Charlie, what poor girl did you knock up?

Charlie: No, no, it's my nephew. He and my brother are living with me now. I'm like, Mr. Family Guy.

Lisa: Yeah, right, family guy. How's it going with your mom?

Charlie: What the hell does my mom have to do with family?

Alan: Uh, l-- look, I-- I appreciate your-- your feelings for me, but I have to tell you, I-- I really think your-- your daughter deserves a lot of respect. I mean it-- it takes real courage to make changes in your life and not worry about what everybody thinks.

Judith: Thank you, Alan.

Evelyn: That's true. The lesbians of my generation were too scared to come out of the closet.

Lenore [Judith's mom]: Does that mean what I think it means?

Alan: You haven't told them?

Judith: No. I thought it would be more appropriate coming from your mother.

Alan Harper, Frontier Chiropractor [1.11]

Alan: [about Judith] What does she think she's doing? She-- she's straight, she's gay, she's straight again... I mean, place your bets! Where she lands, nobody knows!

Charlie: Alan, it's no big deal. Women get to experiment with their sexuality. It's only guys who have to make a choice and stick to it.

Alan: Where do you get this stuff?

Charlie: I make it up.

Alan: Where's my mother?

Jake: She left.

Alan: Why?

Jake: I don't know. We were watching SpongeBob SquarePants, and she stood up and said life was too short.

Jake: I don't wanna go clothes shopping. I'm not the one that needs a new look, so why do I have to go?

Alan: Come on, Jake, get your jacket and let's go.

Jake: Fine, I'll get my stupid jacket, then we'll get in the stupid car and then we'll go to the stupid mall and we'll go stupid clothes shopping.

Charlie: Hey, don't talk to your stupid father like that.

Charlie: Come on, Alan. If you change your look you might be able to land someone in the dating game. You know, like Judith is.

Alan: I don't need to land anyone in any game.

Charlie: Fine, I'm here if you need me.

Alan: I'm fine. So Jake, what's new?

Jake: My soccer coach sings a lot now.

Alan: Why?

Jake: No reason. But I think it's the same reason Mom sings all the time now.

Alan: Oh, all right.

Jake: I'm done. Can I go watch TV now?

Alan: Sure. [Jake goes off] ... Help me Charlie, I wanna sing for no reason too!

Camel Filters + Pheromones [1.12]

Charlie: Berta?

Berta: No, it's Liz Hurley, but I'm holding water.

Charlie: I'm still sleeping here. Could you come back in a little while?

Berta: I could, or you could get your pampered ass out of bed and let me do my demeaning job and get on with my hellish life.

[Jakes meets Prudence, Berta's 16-year-old grand-daughter]

Jake: Berta, does Prudence have a boyfriend?

Berta: Oh, honey, don't get me started.

Jake: What does that mean?

Berta: It means: If she gets a high school diploma before she gets a baby, she'll be the first one in the family.

Alan: Jake, come here, sit down.

Jake: Did I do something wrong?

Charlie: No, just sit down. We wanna talk to you about something.

Jake: [sits down] OK.

Alan: Well Jake, you know how I always told you to tell your parents about what's happening and everything you've been doing.

Jake: Yeah.

Alan: Well you...

Charlie: You don't have to do that anymore. You're a big boy now and you, you don't have to do that now.

Jake: Why?

Alan: Well because, now that you're older, we feel that some things are best kept to yourself.

Jake: Or you just don't want mom to find out about Prudence.

Charlie: That too.

Jake: OK.

Judith: [Enters] Hi Jake, ready to go?

Jake: Sure. [Walks out with Judith]

Judith: So how was your weekend?

Jake: Uncle Charlie says I don't have to tell you.

Sara Like Puny Alan [1.13]

Alan: All right, even if I weren't deathly ill, which I am, I wouldn't go out on a blind double date with you!

Charlie: Why not?

Alan: Summer of my junior year? The Seals and Crofts concert? You got the incredible cheerleader, and I got her sister, The Incredible Hulk?!

Jake: Hey, Dad, wanna hear a funny joke?

Alan: Sure, why not.

Jake: OK, there's a priest, a minister, and a rabbit.

Charlie: That's a "rabbi", Jake.

Jake: Oh, yeah. OK, a priest, a minister, and a rabbi. I forgot the rest. I gotta go to the bathroom.

Charlie: Wait, you know why they call this a European health spa? 'Cause you're a-peein'.

Charlie: [Who is trying to convince Alan to go on a double date with him even though he is sick] Please, please go with me. Look, she's great, her name is Dezeray.

Alan: I don't care what her name is!

Charlie: What do you mean? That's like desire but with yay in it!

I Can't Afford Hyenas [1.14]

Alan: How much did you tip him [the pizza delivery man]?

Charlie: I don't know. I gave him a fifty.

Alan: That's... that's like a 300 percent tip!

Charlie: If you say so. I was never good at math.

Alan: Oh, yeah, but you can figure out the point spread, the over-under, and the vigorish on every football game in the country.

Charlie: What can I tell you? I've got a beautiful mind.

[at the supermarket]

Charlie: I can't do this anymore, Alan. I quit.

Alan: You can't quit poverty, Charlie.

Charlie: I want the good stuff! I want cheese that isn't air-dropped into Third World countries! I want ouchless toilet paper! I want vodka that doesn't look like Fred Flintstone would drink it! I want my life back.

Alan: Fine. Then swallow your pride, call Mom, and ask her to lend you some money.

Charlie [opening the bottle of generic vodka]: Yabba-dabba-doo.

Alan: Hey Charlie, what's miscellaneous cash expenses?

Charlie: You know, extra things. Like if I want a hot dog or tickets to the movies.

Alan: It's $40,000!

Charlie: Gambling losses, etcetera, etcetera

Berta: [Because Charlie is facing money problems] Don't worry Charlie, you don't need to pay me this week.

Charlie: Thank you Berta.

Berta: I'll just take this espresso maker and be on my way.

Round One to the Hot Crazy Chick (Part 1) [1.15]

[Alan and Charlie find Frankie beating up her psychiatrist's car with a baseball bat]

Charlie: You got a nice swing.

Frankie: Thanks!

Charlie: Try stepping into it. You'll get more power that way.

Frankie: You mean like this? [she knocks one of the side mirrors off]

Charlie: Oh, yeah! Dial one and the area code, 'cause that is long-distance!

Frankie [to Alan]: Man, deep tissue massage, pancakes... If you had a TV on your forehead and could breathe through your ears, you'd be perfect!

That Was Saliva, Alan (Part 2) [1.16]

Alan: I'm sorry, there's just been a lot of stuff going on.

Judith: Yeah, I just met your brother's latest "stuff".

Alan: Why do you assume it's his stuff?

Judith: What, is it yours?

Alan: No, but it's not his either!

Charlie: But it could be.

Alan: Says who?

Charlie: Says your ex-wife!

[Frankie and Alan kiss, and Alan starts crying]

Frankie: What's the matter?

Alan: I don't know! It's been so long since anybody's touched me!

[Alan goes to bed with Charlie]

Charlie: Alan?

Alan: Yes?

Charlie: It's been so long since anybody's touched me!

Joni: Hi I'm Joni!

Jake: Hey, [To Alan and Charlie] I'm gonna go play in my room.

Joni: Can I come?

Jake: Whatever. [The two of them go off]

Charlie: If he can keep up the attitude for another 30 years he's gold.

Ate The Hamburgers, Wearing The Hats [1.17]

Charlie: Who gets him [Jake] in that [worst-case] scenario thing?

Alan: Cousin Jerry and his wife Fay.

Charlie: Jerry and Fay? Why Jerry and Fay?

Alan: Well, they-- they've a good marriage, three kids, lots of dogs, a big backyard, and they live in a great school district.

Charlie: Yeah, but I'm your brother!

Alan: Charlie, it's--

Charlie: And I live right here! You wouldn't have to ship him off to... Cornhole, Kansas!

Alan: Coventry, Rhode Island.

Charlie: Who am I thinking of that lives in Kansas?

Alan: I don't know, Dorothy and Toto?

Alan: Uh, if Mom's ever in a coma, you're the one who has to decide to pull the plug.

Charlie: Pull.

Charlie: [Filling out Jake's hospital form] Last name: Harper. First Name: Jake...ob?

Jake: Yeah.

Charlie: Jacob. Middle name...

Jake: Don't you know?

Charlie: Of course I know. I wanna see if you know,you hit your head dude.

Jake: David.

Charlie: I knew that. Jacob David, wow, they really went old testament on you didn't they. Allergies?

Jake: What? I dunno.

Charlie: Do you eat something that makes you sick?

Jake: I ate a worm once.

Charlie: No allergies. Have you ever had the following? Measles?

Jake: I dunno.

Charlie: Mumps?

Jake: I dunno.

Charlie: Chicken pox?

Jake: Is that the one with the spots?

Charlie: Yeah.

Jake: I dunno.

Charlie: Family History? Well your grandmother's always been a pain in the ass.

An Old Flame With a New Wick [1.18]

Charlie: If I had a nickel for every time a girl dumped me, disappeared for five years, and came back as a guy, I'd have a nickel!

Charlie: Look.

Alan: Who's this?

Charlie: This is Jill.

Alan: Oh, the-the woman who dumped you?

Charlie: Get over that. Nobody dumped me.

Alan: All right, I'm sorry. Wha- why are we looking at Jill?

Charlie: Just look at it!

Alan: All right, she's cute. Very tall, broad shoulders-- HOLY MOTHER OF GOD!

Charlie: Welcome to The Matrix.

Alan: So-so-so-so Jill is-is-is-is--?

Charlie: Yep.

Alan: And-and-and-and you and-and Jill used to--?

Charlie: (sighs) Every chance we got

Alan: And-and-and mom is--?

Charlie: At this very moment.

Alan: HOLY MOTHER OF GOD!

Berta: Well I'd better be going. [Sees a jacket that was thrown on the floor] I'll pick that up on Monday.

I Remember the Coatroom, I Just Don't Remember You [1.19]

Judith: Don't you think you've had enough to drink at the magic show, Evelyn?

Evelyn: Excuse me, darling, but some of us deal with our boredom and depression the old-fashioned, non-prescription way.

Judith: OK, fine. You always wanted Liz, go ahead. Here's your chance. Give her your little "adjustment". And maybe while you're having a good time with my sister, I'll have a good time with your brother. [puts her right arm around Charlie]

Charlie: Beg pardon?

Judith: Oh, don't be coy with me, Charlie. You know we've always had sexual tension between us!

Charlie: Really? I... thought it was just regular tension.

Judith: Come on, I've seen you looking at my chest.

Alan: You looked at my wife's chest?

Charlie: Hey, I'm a guy!

Hey, I Can Pee Outside in the Dark [1.20]

Evelyn: Granted, I have no idea what's it like to be an eleven-year-old boy, but I do know one thing, sweetheart. You have no idea what real unhappiness is. Real unhappiness is being totally ignored by the very people you gave birth to! Real unhappiness is when you're recovering from liposuction and your only grandson doesn't even send you a get-well card. And FYI, I only had that surgery so you wouldn't have a grandmommy with matronly upper arms.

Alan: Well, if he didn't need a shrink before, he needs one now.

[Jake is upbeat after several days of being sullen]

Alan: What happened to him?

Charlie: If I didn't know better, I'd swear he got laid last night.

Berta: I hope you don't mind, but I talked to him before he went to sleep last night.

Alan: What did you say?

Berta: I said: "Drink this bottle of prune juice". You feed him nothing but pizza and pancakes! It's a wonder his eyeballs are still in their sockets.

No Sniffing, No Wowing [1.21]

Charlie: Hey, if you listened to me in the first place, you wouldn't be in this mess. I'm the one who told you not to marry her.

Alan: You're also the one who told me that if I jumped off the garage roof with a bath towel tied around my neck, I could fly to school.

Charlie: The one time you listen to me.

Alan: Let me tell you another thing: if I hadn't married Judith, there would be no Jake.

Charlie: I didn't say you couldn't knock her up!

Charlie: Hey, that was quick.

Alan: Yeah. Like every other time Judith screwed me.

Charlie: What happened?

Alan: What happened? I'll tell you what happened. My settlement conference turned into a drive-by colonoscopy.

My Doctor has a Cow Puppet [1.22]

Jake: Were you talking to Mom?

Alan: Yes, but I-- I hung up before I said the bad stuff.

Jake: Yeah, she does the same thing to you.

Alan: Um... remember, we have Jake's "session" first.

Charlie: Oh, man, I thought you didn't want him to go back to that quack.

Alan: I didn't, but Judith and I... talked, and we decided that what I want makes no difference whatsoever.

Charlie: Man, you are so whipped!

Alan: I am not whipped! I just-- I'm just trying to keep everybody happy.

Charlie: Meow-fitchoo!

Alan: I am not "meow-fitchooed".

Charlie: You're right. It's been a long time since you got any "meow".

Jake: Are we getting a cat?

Jake: My doctor has a cow puppet.

Evelyn: Oh MD or Ph D.?

Jake: C-O-W.

Alan: [On Jake's therapy session] It's a small price to pay to avoid aggravating Judith.

Charlie: The fact that your drawing breath aggravates Judith!

Just Like Buffalo [1.23]

Kathleen: You have a girlfriend yet?

Jake: No, I'm a bachelor like my Uncle Charlie.

Linda: So you're never gonna get married?

Jake: No, as long as I got someone to clean my house and some action on a regular basis, I don't need a wife.

Mandy: Excuse me?

Jake: I don't want to give anybody half my stuff.

Alan: Your sexist, manipulative attitude toward women just got into Jake's head, and he spewed it out in front of his mother's angry women's support group!

Charlie: Wait a minute, wait a minute. Is it a women's support group that's angry, or a support group just for angry women?

Alan: What difference does it make?

Charlie: Well, if they were already angry, then I'm less culpable.

Can You Feel My Finger? [1.24]

Alan: Why don't you just get snipped?

Charlie: You mean a vasectomy?

Alan: Yeah.

Charlie: Well, then, say "vasectomy". Don't say "snipped"!

Alan: What's wrong with "snipped"?

Charlie: It's demeaning. "Snipped" is what you get for twelve bucks at Supercuts.

Alan: Fine. Why don't you get a vasectomy?

Charlie: I've considered it. In fact, a couple of years ago, I believe there was a petition circulating.

Charlie: I'm not a particularly religious guy, but clearly, a power much greater than myself wants me to knock somebody up someday.

Rose: You called?

Season 2

Back Off Mary Poppins [2.1]

Charlie: I'm just having some friends over to... smoke cigars, sample some fine single-malt Scotch, and, you know, talk.

Alan: I enjoy all those things. But Scotch makes me a little gassy, but I'll take a Beano and I'm good to go.

Alan: Wait a minute, you don't consider me a friend?

Charlie: It's not up to me. A friend is someone you choose, a brother is someone you get...

Alan: Excuse me?

Charlie: There's no choice involved! Your dad just wakes you up in the middle of the night and says, "Your mom wasn't really fat and this isn't your room anymore."

Alan: But you wanted me to live here with you. You offered me.

Charlie: Well, actually I wanted Jake to come live with me but I figured, you two are a package deal.

Alan: "Hurry up and get out." Sounds like sex with my ex-wife.

Alan: So... in addition to my house, half my money, and my self-esteem, Judith got custody of all my friends.

Sean Penn: Charlie, when are you gonna stop resenting your brother just for being born?

Charlie: I don't resent him for being born, but he abused the privilege!

Alan: Wow. Wow, uh, Elvis, that was, uh... that was beautiful. But you know, uh, in all honesty, um, I really, really loved your uh, earlier, you know, angrier stuff. You know, uh, "Pump It Up"! Now, now that was a song. [chuckling]

Sean Penn: I knew that.

Alan: Oh, and, uh, and while we're on the subject, Sean, um, why don't you do funny stuff like you used to? I mean, Fast Times ruled, man! [chuckling] C'mon, uh, do-- do a little Spicoli for us!

[cut to Alan duct-taped to a lamp post on Wilshire Boulevard]

Alan: Guys? This isn't funny. Uh-oh, clammy hands, nausea... Guys? Guys? GUYS?!

Enjoy Those Garlic Balls [2.2]

Charlie: Hmmm, tequila? Checkbook? Sourpuss? Must be alimony time.

Alan: Go away, Charlie.

Charlie: Boy, you'd think for all that money, she'd at least come over and give you a lap dance.

Alan: Leave me alone, Charlie!

Charlie: In fact, you know what would be really funny? Where it says "memo," write "lap dance." Give her something to explain at tax time.

Alan: Our pediatrician. My ex-wife is sleeping with our... pediatrician. [breaks the head off the giraffe]

Charlie: I wonder if she gets a lollipop after every visit.

Alan: Hey, hey, here's a funny thing! Uh, my name's Al, and I, uh, I give Judith money, [chuckles] so it's, uh, so it's, uh, "Al-i-mony".

Herb: Wouldn't it be "Al-i-money"?

Alan: I was afraid you'd pick up on that.

Charlie: I'm not saying I hate you, but if I did, it might have something to do with the fact that you're a narcissistic bloodsucker who drove my father into an early grave, after which you married a succession of men who couldn't care less about Alan and me, which was just fine with you 'cause you... looked at us like a couple of dancing monkeys you could just haul out whenever it suited you! And when it didn't, you sent us off to boarding school or camp or that kibbutz in Israel, where we got beat up 'cause we weren't even Jewish! And now... now you show up here every chance you get to lay a guilt trip on me for not appreciating my cold, lonely, loveless childhood!

Evelyn: Well... obviously you're not ready to talk about it.

A Bag Full of Jawea [2.3]

Charlie: Well, I want it on the record that if the kid was running a blackjack game under the bleachers, he didn't necessarily get the idea from me.

Miss Pasternak: Jake, I'm only your teacher from 8:15 to 3:00. After that, I'm just a person like anyone else.

Jake: Oh, this is more wrong than the time I saw Santa peeing at the mall.

Miss Pasternak: Do you think he'll [Jake] be OK?

Charlie: Sure, he's just not used to seeing his teacher out of the classroom... and her pants.

Charlie: [Reading Jake's test answers] Abraham Lincoln signed the Declaration of Independence in....pen. For this you got an A?

Jake: Yeah, everybody did. I love you Uncle Charlie [Runs to his room]

Alan: I think you know what you have to do.

Charlie: Um... break up with Miss Pasternak, right?

Alan: Hell, no, he's [Jake] getting A's. He hasn't gotten an A since nap time in kindergarten.

Charlie: But he's not learning anything!

Alan: Charlie, get your priorities straight; I'm trying to get him into a decent middle school! After he's accepted, he can learn that Sacajawea wasn't... [reading Jake's test answer]: "a bag full of Jawea".

Charlie: OK, I gotta tell you, my weirdness bar for chicks is pretty high... but you are clearing it in street shoes.

Go Get Mommy's Bra [2.4]

Charlie: Man, I guess you can afford a lot of cool stuff when you don't have to sell your blood and sperm to make alimony payments.

Evelyn: Charlie, I need to borrow your Mercedes.

Charlie: Well, since you're in a hurry, I'll give you a quick answer: no.

Evelyn: Charlie, please, I'm showing a house in half an hour.

Charlie: What's wrong with that little electric car you bought?

Evelyn: Oh, nothing! Well, it's fine, it's hip, it's what anyone who cares about this planet is driving. But if you're trying to sell real estate to a Saudi oil prince, you can't be driving up in some little toy car with a plug in the bumper.

Alan: Um, you could use my car, Mom.

Evelyn: You see? Now that is how a loving son treats his mother. [to Alan]: Thank you, sweetheart, but I need to look successful.

Alan: So this is pretty cool, huh, Jake? An electric car.

Jake: I guess. What happens when the batteries run out?

Alan: You plug it in and recharge it.

Jake: Yeah, but what if there's a blackout?

Charlie: Then you sit in the back seat with a loaded pistol and wait for the looters just like any other car.

Alan: Charlie...

Charlie: It's a cool car, Jake.

Jake: Greg has a really cool car. He has a Hummer.

Charlie: You know, your Uncle Charlie's no stranger to Hummers.

Alan: Charlie...

Charlie: That's a cool car, too, Jake.

[Charlie shows Alan a bra that he found in the back seat of his Mercedes]

Alan: Holy mother of God!

Charlie: No, no, unholy mother of us!

Evelyn: I left a $300 bra in the back seat of your Mercedes, and I want it back.

Charlie: Oh, my. How in heaven's name did that happen, Mother?

Evelyn: Well, if you must know--

Alan: I don't need to know.

Evelyn: Oh, Alan, grow up. [to Charlie]: I sold a $12 million house and I wanted to celebrate.

Charlie: With the Saudi prince?

Evelyn: Don't be ridiculous. He's got nine wives and they're all, like, eleven years old. No, I-- I was with the seller's realtor. Splitting that juicy commission made us both so hot, we barely made it off the front lawn. Now go get Mommy's bra.

Jake: I'm gonna live here with you and Dad from now on.

Charlie: Wanna bet?

Jake: Why not?

Charlie: Two reasons: your mother loves you and life is cruel. Wait, that may just be one reason.

Bad News from the Clinic [2.5]

Charlie: A woman's much more relaxed and comfortable in her own surroundings. Plus, the minute she falls asleep, I can hit the bricks.

Alan: That's lovely. It's a shame you don't work for Hallmark.

Charlie: Yeah, I'll bet those guys get laid like crazy.

[on Charlie's date Sherri]

Rose: Oh, Charlie, you don't need a girl like that. You could do so much better.

Charlie: You're right, I can. She doesn't call when she says she will, she won't let me sleep over, she's obviously seeing other guys, so why can't I get her out of my head?

Rose: That's not where I was going, but let's review. She's gorgeous, but she's also self-centered, she's promiscuous, she's commitment-phobic...

Charlie: Oh, my God!

Rose: What?

Charlie: I'm dating myself. No wonder the sex is weird.

Alan: Now, what year did Magellan circumnavigate the globe?

Jake: It's not gonna be on the test.

Alan: Maybe not, but it wouldn't hurt for you to know it anyway.

Jake: Why would I want to know something I don't have to?

Alan: Because maybe you'll need to know it in the future.

Jake: Well, then that's when I'll learn it!

Alan: Why can't you just learn it now?

Jake: 'Cause there's only so much space in my brain that if you put Magellan in there, I might forget my locker combination.

Berta: Alan? I got a riddle for you: What's short, sticky, picky, and only supposed to be here on weekends? I'll give you a hint: It's your kid.

[Jake is doing his homework]

Alan: What about this one?

Jake: That's extra credit. I don't have to do it.

Alan: But why don't you do it anyway.

Jake: Cause I don't have to.

Alan: But it shows you're willing to make an extra effort.

Jake: But I'm not.

Alan: Do it!

Jake: Why?

Alan: Jake, if you spent as much time doing the homework as you do arguing about it, we'd be done by now.

Jake: I am done, this is extra.

The Price of Healthy Gums Is Eternal Vigilance [2.6]

Charlie: I have to tell you something.

Alan: OK.

Charlie: Come on out in the bedroom.

Alan: All right. [leaves the bathroom; Charlie locks the door] What are you doing?

Charlie: You'll understand in a minute.

Alan: Uh, uh, I thought you had to tell me something.

Charlie: I do. There is no "Bad Alan". I'm the one who stole the Silly Putty and put it in your pocket when you weren't looking. Three, four, five, six, seven...

Alan [frantically knocking on the door]: DAMN YOU TO HELL! COME OUT HERE AND DIE LIKE A MAN!

Charlie: What do you know? There is a "Bad Alan."

Jake: Hey, Dad, when you got arrested for shoplifting, did they take you to jail?

Alan: I did not get arrested, and there was no jail.

Jake: So I guess you never had to shank a guy to get your props in the yard.

Alan: You cracked the parental code on the cable box again, didn't you?

Jake: It's "1234." A monkey could crack that.

Evelyn: So dear?

Jake: What?

Evelyn: Do you see anything you like?

Jake: I don't know. What's venison?

Evelyn: Deer.

Jake: What?

Evelyn: Deer.

Jake: What?

Evelyn: Deer, D-E-E-R!

Jake: What, W-h-a-t!

Evelyn: What's wrong with him?

Alan: Ehm, Jake it's, it's the deer in the forest, like ehm, like Bambi.

Jake: Oh, cool! Let's eat Bambi!

Charlie: Coming soon to Pay-per-view.

Alan: I-- I feel betrayed and-- and hurt in ways that... I can't even express! And-- and you think we can just dance past that?

Charlie: I was hoping.

Alan: Well, I am sorry, but it is not that easy. Thanks to you, my-- my life has been twisted beyond recognition! I mean, look at me, Charlie! I'm a-- I'm a broke, hopelessly neurotic, middle-aged man who doesn't even know who he is or where he belongs! I have nothing, Charlie. No-- no wife, no home, nothing.

Charlie: OK. So should I check back with you after lunch?

Charlie: OK, then. I didn't need a reason to drink tonight, but it's nice to know I've got one.

Charlie: Remember how you were a bed wetter until you were 8?

Alan: Yeah?

Charlie: You actually stopped at 6.

Alan: What, what? What did you do? Did you sneak into my room and-- and, and, and, and-- pour warm water on me while I was asleep?

Charlie: Yeah, OK. Let's... say it was water, and let's say I poured it. [Alan ponders this for a moment then gives an aghast expression as he realizes what Charlie means. Charlie doesn't seem to notice.] Well, I feel better, how about you?

A Kosher Slaughterhouse Out in Fontana [2.7]

Alan: I-- I wish there were a better way to deal with Mom.

Charlie: There is, but we're both too pretty for jail.

Charlie [slapping Alan with the plans for Evelyn's party]: Are? You? Happy? Now we have to throw a party for your crazy-ass mother!

Alan: Well, she's your mother, too!

Charlie: How do you know? I could have been adopted.

Alan: You wish!

Charlie: I do!

Daisy: Anyway, I'm sleeping at a motel tonight.

Berta: Good idea. Maybe you'll meet your next husband on the walk there.

Berta: That's it, I can't work like this!

Alan: Well, you have to, Berta! We got fifty people coming here in a couple of hours.

Berta: Don't tell me, tell her.

Alan: Fine.

Berta [to Charlie]: Watch this.

[Alan tries to talk to Daisy, who is meditating outside on the deck]

Daisy: HEY, I'M MEDITATING HERE!

Charlie: Berta, Berta, you can't quit being related to somebody. Believe me, I've tried.

Alan [to Evelyn]: If you want to sit here and stew in the venom and bile that is the soup of your being, then fine. I hope you drown in it! [to Jake]: Don't you ever talk to your mother this way!

Frankenstein and the Horny Villagers [2.8]

Berta: Well, gadzooks. Zippy's getting his freak on.

Charlie: Yeah, it seems we're living in an age of miracles.

Berta: I guess if they can put a man on the moon, they can put a woman on your brother.

Alan: OK, uh, just make sure Jake goes to bed early. He's got karate in the morning.

Charlie: Which, of course, you'll be back for.

Alan: Charlie, trust me.

Charlie: You, I trust. It's him [points toward Alan's penis] I'm worried about.

Evelyn: Listen, if I had gotten married after every weekend of hot, sweaty debauchery with a virtual stranger, you'd have, well, many more stepfathers than you already have.

Charlie: She knows what she's talking about, Alan. Mom's been on more hotel pillows than a chocolate mint.

Yes, Monsignor [2.9]

Charlie: So, what are you doing for dinner?

Lisa: You're shameless.

Charlie: Thank you.

Lisa: It's not a compliment.

Charlie: Whatever. What are you doing for dinner?

Lisa: Charlie, a lot has changed.

Charlie: I know. I'm older and wiser, and you're hot and on the rebound!

Alan: I'm sorry, are we done with what's bothering me?

Charlie: I am.

Alan: It's like talking to a horny chimp.

Alan: Is there anything in your shower I need to know about?

Charlie: Come on. That's the most action you've had in months!

Alan: I have a loose tooth.

Charlie: Can't you just be happy for me? The woman I love is back in my life!

Alan: That's great. I'm thrilled. I can't eat apples.

Charlie: I'll bring you back some applesauce from Lisa's. Her kid needs to lay off the fiber, anyway.

Charlie [through the baby monitor]: OK, let's take this thing [diaper] off. Oh, sweet Lord! Did you have Thai food for dinner or what? Man, Babe Ruth took smaller dumps!

Alan: Hey, what's that, uh, splattered all over your shirt?

Charlie: Coffee and breast milk.

Alan: What happened, did Starbucks merge with Hooters? "Hooterbucks." I'd like a double D-cup latte, please.

Berta: Not that it's any of my business but what in hell happened in your brother's bathroom?

Jake: Dad was wrestling on the floor with a naked lady.

Berta: The quiet ones are always the freaks.

Alan: Jake, we weren't wrestling, I just reached in to turn off the tap and she was startled. It was an honest mistake and it was completely innocent

Jake: But you admit, she was naked.

Alan: Yes but as I said, it was an honest mistake. So there's absolutely no need to tell your mother! Understand?

Jake: Yeah. I forgot you have to sign my math test.

Alan: Ok, D minus! Jake what am I gonna do with you?

Jake: Dunno.

Alan: Did you show this to your mother?

Jake: No.

Alan: Why not?

Jake: Cause I didn't catch her doing anything.

The Salmon Under My Sweater [2.10]

[after Charlie plays the first version of his Oshikuru jingle]

Jake: Your thing doesn't capture the mood at all, it just... blows!

Charlie: OK, OK, you said "blows" already.

Jake: Did I say "big baby chunks"?

Alan: Oh, are you, uh, starting that book report already?

Jake: Just making notes.

Alan: Good for you! What do you have so far?

Jake: Lord of the Flies is kind of like Survivor, but with kids.

Alan: Huh! That's, uh... that's an interesting analogy! Uh, what's your favorite part?

Jake: Um... when the first kid gets voted off the island?

Alan: Ferrets?

Rose: Yeah, I have five of the toothy, little guys.

Alan: No-- no kidding. Five ferrets? Those are like, uh, long, furry rats, right?

Rose: Yup, and they're all named Charlie.

Charlie: D-minus? Didn't you read the Cliff Notes?

Jake: That was fifty pages!

Charlie: Unbelievable. Your kid's too lazy to cheat.

Alan: Has it occurred to you that maybe he's too honest to cheat?

Jake: No, I'm lazy.

[after the debut of the Oshikuru cartoon]

Jake: That's not what we wrote! That's your original sucky version!

Charlie: What can I tell you? The network liked that one better.

Jake: What are they, brain damaged?

Charlie: Welcome to show business, kid.

Last Chance to See Those Tattoos [2.11]

Charlie: Please tell me the Jack and Ginger isn't for you.

Gail: No, it's for my girlfriend. Why?

Charlie: Well, you look like a woman of discriminating taste, and mixing a quality bourbon with ginger ale is like putting Cheez Whiz on Lobster Newberg.

Alan: Are you still reading that thing?

Charlie: How can I not? It's an entire website devoted to trashing me! Listen to this: "Has anybody had sex with Charlie where he actually bothered to take his socks off?" It's just mean! I have bad circulation in my feet -- they get cold!

Charlie: OK, I've had enough of this. How do I delete this whole thing?

Alan: You can't delete a website. The only person who can delete it is the person who created it.

Charlie: Well, how do I find out who created it?

Alan: Now, let's see, huh? [does a WHOIS search] OK, uh... OK, the domain is the property of a company in the Cayman Islands called... [chuckling]: Charlie Harper Sucks, Ltd.

Charlie: That's no help.

Alan: Hey, you can buy T-shirts and coffee mugs! "Add to cart"...

Charlie: If I don't do something about that website, I'm gonna have to move to Pennsylvania and chase Amish broads.

Berta [reading a list that Alan left on the kitchen table]: "Pro: No alimony. Con: No sex. Pro: See Jake all the time. Con: See Judith all the time."

Alan: What are you doing? Give me that!

Berta: I'm sorry, it was just laying there.

Alan: That's private.

Berta: OK! [pause] I've got another "pro" for you.

Alan: Yeah, what's that?

Berta: If you hook back up with Olive Oyl, I won't have to scrub your toilet anymore.

Alan [writing]: "Pro: No more Berta."

A Lungful of Alan [2.12]

Alan: You want to help me? Stop talking me up. It's killing me.

Charlie: OK!

Alan: And stop putting yourself down! Somehow that's killing me too!

Charlie: Got it.

Alan: Just-- just sit there and eat your dinner and I'll play your game.

Charlie: Fine! [Alan takes the open urinal next to Charlie] You want to shake on it?

Alan: You're disgusting.

Charlie: Yeah, I'm disgusting. At least I'm not the one taking a squirt on my shoe.

[Jake spots the high school yearbook photo of Alan]

Jake: What was going on with your hair?

Jamie: It's called a Jheri curl.

Alan: It was my Michael Jackson period.

Jake: Who's the tall guy next to you?

Jamie: Oh, uh, that's me, Jake.

Alan: I thought you were going to be busy today.

Charlie: I was. I went to a movie, shot some pool, bought a book, bought a shirt, drank a bucket of coffee, read the book, and then it occurred to me: "Hey! I have a home!"

[Jamie kisses Charlie after kissing Alan, with Charlie in the backseat and Alan in the front]

Charlie: To the batcave, Alfred

Alan: Go to hell.

Charlie: OK, I'm getting mixed signals here.

Jamie: This is the signal, Charlie: You can't have this. Not now, not ever. NEVER, NEVER, NEVER!

Charlie: You know, I didn't make up the "Eckelberry Hound" thing.

Alan: But he did spread it around. I-- I was always your friend.

Jamie: Oh, please. I spent years throwing myself at you, "friend", playing stupid nerd games on my bed with my shirt open, "buddy", hoping and praying that you would kiss me or touch me or at least notice me as a woman, "PAL"!

Alan: You knew your shirt was open?

Jamie: WHO DO YOU THINK OPENED IT?!

Jamie [to Alan]: You can never have this. NEVER, NEVER, NEVER! [leaves]

Charlie: Well, I guess we know why she's still single.

Zejdz z Moich Wlosów a.k.a. Get Off My Hair [2.13]

[After an earthquake has struck while Charlie was in bed with a woman]

Alan: Apparently, the earthquake hit Sherman Oaks a lot harder than Malibu.

Charlie: What earthquake?

Alan: 'What earthquake?' About an hour ago, you didn't feel the house shaking?

[Charlie stares into space for a moment with a blank expression on his face]

Charlie: Oh.

Alan: Unbelievable. You actually thought that was you?

Charlie: No, I thought it was her. Y'know, because of me. Well the good news is unless they report it on Polish TV I still get the credit.

Charlie: Well, that's the difference between 'wife' and 'ex-wife'. With 'ex-wife', you don't even have to pretend to care.

Alan: I'm sorry, but I can't be that callous.

Charlie: Have you even tried?

Alan: It's just for a couple of days.

Charlie: Oh, a couple of days. Jack the Ripper only killed a couple of prostitutes, but it was still wrong!

Alan: What do you want me to do, put her in a hotel?

Charlie: Yeah, put her in a hotel! Put her in a space capsule! Put her in a catapult and see how far she flies!

Alan: Charlie, I can't do that to her.

Charlie: Again, have you even tried?

[Judith is holding salad tongs]

Charlie: Ah, better use the wooden ones.

Judith: What's wrong with these?

Charlie: I use those whenever I drop my watch in the toilet.

Judith: Is this a regular occurrence?

Charlie: You'd think I'd learn.

Judith: And you keep them in the kitchen?

Charlie: I used to hang them on a little hook in the bathroom, but it freaked some chicks out.

Jake: This is really weird.

Alan: Why is it weird? Your mom and I may not be living together anymore, but we're still friends.

Jake: I don't flip off my friends when I talk to them on the phone.

Charlie: Nice shooting. Two with one bullet.

Judith: I'm surprised to see you home on a Saturday night, what with your fun, bachelor lifestyle.

Charlie: Well, I got laid this morning, so I thought I'd kick back tonight.

Charlie: Well, what if you were dating?

Alan: But I'm not.

Charlie: But what if it looked like you were dating?

Alan: Oh, oh, you mean-- no, no way. I-- I'm not gonna let you fix me up with one of your bimbo girlfriends.

Charlie: OK, forget it.

Alan: She'd have to be really pretty, like a... like a ten. And young, like a twenty.

Charlie: Anything else?

Alan: Uh, and smart. Uh, and a sense of humor's important. Uh, well-read, uh, good with kids, uh, non-smoking, of course... ooh, and, uh, easy on the piercings. Nothing south of the equator.

Charlie: You're mighty picky for a guy with an adult newsstand in his sock drawer.

Those Big Pink Things with Coconut [2.14]

[Alan is helping Jake study for his history test. Charlie is drunk.]

Alan: Lewis and Clark explored what?

Charlie: [buzzes in] Louisiana Purchase.

Alan: Right.

Jake: I knew that.

Alan: Yeah, but, uh, Uncle Charlie buzzed first.

Charlie: And I'm still buzzed.

Jake: OK, give me another question.

Alan: All right. Um, "Seward's Folly" is another name for...? [Jake and Charlie buzz in at the same time] Jake?

Jake: Alaska.

Alan: Ah, very good!

Charlie: Ugh, I was gonna say Mrs. Seward.

Charlie [looking at Jake's test]: Wow, Texas used to be a separate country. Why'd we change that?

Jake: [About his history test and how he got an A] Wendy Cho got an A+.

Evelyn: You see Alan, Wendy Cho got an A+.

Alan: Wendy Cho is a freak of nature! She cloned a goldfish for the science fair! You can't compare Jake to her!

Evelyn: Well, who should we compare him to? The paste eaters and unibrows?

Smell the Umbrella Stand [2.15]

Berta: The sink's stopped up again. That kid still doesn't know the difference between the garbage disposal and the drain.

Charlie: What do you want? He's eleven.

Berta: That's no excuse. If he can't tell which hole is which at his age, he's headed for big trouble down the road.

[Charlie is teaching Jake how to play blackjack]

Jake: What's the signal if you have to go to the bathroom?

Charlie: There is no signal; you just get up and go to the bathroom. Unless you're on a hot streak, in which case you sit tight and wet yourself.

Jake: You're kidding, right?

Charlie: Hey, you're wearing a $50 pair of slacks and you got $600 on the table? Do the math.

Jake: I have to do math and pee my pants?

Can You Eat Human Flesh With Wooden Teeth? [2.16]

Alan: What's taking you so long?

Jake: I can't find my other shoe!

Alan: So then put on a different pair.

Jake: But this one's on already!

Berta: Who spent their day pre-soaking the shorts of a kid who leaves more skid marks than a getaway car?

Alan: You need to get Jake dressed, make him his lunch, and get him to school by eight, OK?

Charlie: OK.

Alan: You're not moving.

Charlie: Yes, I am. I'm flipping you off under the covers.

Alan: GET UP!

Jake: I forgot to comb my hair.

Charlie: No-no-no-no-no, I'll do it. [licks his fingers and brushes Jake's hair with them]

Jake: That's spit!

Charlie: One man's saliva is another man's mousse. Now shut up.

Charlie: Jake, it takes more than sex to make a man happy... You also need money.

Alan: You know why I was being audited? Not because I have unsubstantiated deductions, which I have. Not because I take the occasional cash payment from a client and forget to report it, which I do. It was because no one at the IRS could believe I was paying as much alimony as I claimed! It took me three hours to convince them that, yes, I am that big a schmuck!

Charlie: Oh, boo-hoo. You want a real fun time? Try finding an extra-small Ben Franklin costume at 9:00 in the morning.

Alan: Oh, right! The play, uh, how was it?

Charlie: Boffo. A smash. Among the highlights were a twelve-year-old Chinese George Washington with a powdered wig and a snot bubble, and your kid in a bald cap and granny glasses holding a Tweety Bird kite and announcing he's discovered "elasticity".

Woo-Hoo, A Hernia-Exam! [2.17]

[Charlie is on all fours on his bed]

Charlie: Alan, you're a chiropractor. Do something!

Alan: Really? You want my help? Even after you referred to my profession as, oh what was it... "urban voodoo"?

[Charlie is on the floor in intense pain]

Charlie: I need someone who can give me drugs!

Berta: I'm not holding, but I can make a couple of calls.

Alan: Drugs just mask the problem.

Charlie: Fine! Mask it, throw a cape on it and let it fight crime!

Berta [to Jake]: After a day scrubbing toilets, I'm betting you'll be able to pee through a Cheerio at ten paces.

Berta [hands Jake a mop and bucket]: Take these and get started on the kitchen floor.

Jake: Why? I didn't pee in here! OK, once, but it was in the sink.

Berta: The sink? How'd you manage that?

Jake: It's not that hard. You just gotta drink a lot of root beer, lean back, and figure the angle.

Alan: If two thousand years of-- of human history has taught us anything, it is that there's karmic justice in the world, and that when people live the way you do, bad things have to happen to them to even things out.

Charlie: Well, I don't agree.

Alan: It's not up for debate! It's a... law, like gravity!

Charlie: Oh, I agree with gravity.

Alan: Oh, good. We wouldn't want you flying off the planet with nothing to hump but satellites.

Doctor Oh, are you a doctor?

Alan: Yes, I'm a chiropractor.

Doctor: So no.

Charlie: So you think I have a shot with that doctor or what?

Alan: It's like trying to talk Shakespeare to a Hershey bar.

It Was Mame, Mom [2.18]

Jake: Dad?

Alan: Yeah?

Jake: Do you suffer from erectile dysfunction? [Charlie spits out his drink]

Charlie: Well, Alan, do you?

Alan: Um... Jake... what do you know about erectile dysfunction?

Jake: Not much. It has something to do with your penis, right?

Alan: Right.

Jake: And they say one out of three guys gets it, and mine's fine so it's got to be one of you.

Alan: Did you ever try any of those [erectile dysfunction] drugs?

Charlie: Once or twice. Out of curiosity, not necessity.

Alan: What did you think?

Charlie: It's not my thing. It's like corking the bat. You?

Alan: Yeah, that's what my ex-wife wanted -- more sex with me that lasted longer.

Alan: And if we're gonna be a couple, I want to be the husband.

Charlie: Who's gonna believe you're the husband?

Alan: Hey, of the two of us, I'm the only one who's been a husband.

Charlie: You really thought you were the husband in your marriage?

[after Alan and Charlie left for the party]

Rose: What is that about?

Jake: I don't know, but one of them suffers from erectile dysfunction.

Evelyn: Charles, didn't I ask you to confine your debauchery to outlet stores?

A Low, Gutteral Tongue-Flapping Noise [2.19]

Charlie: So, how you getting to the restaurant?

Alan: Sherri's picking me up.

Charlie: Ah! Very convenient.

Alan: Why? Because she's been here before? Because she's been here with you? Because you've had sex with her in every room in the house?

Charlie: No, because you can't drive. But it's interesting to see how your mind works.

Sherri: My point is, I'm tired of those shallow relationships I was having with guys like Charlie. I want to be with a man who can be sensitive and caring, nurturing, you know, someone who can make me laugh, make me think.

Alan: You do realize I'm straight, right?

Sherri: [giggling] You really are adorable.

Alan: Thank you. I, uh-- I tend to bring out the mothering instinct in women.

Sherri: Really?

Alan: Ironically, not my mother.

Alan: She [Sherri] invited me to her house for dinner tonight. I think she wants to have sex.

Charlie: With who?

Alan: With me.

Charlie: With you. Hang on a second. [looks at the newspaper] Nope, no snowballs reported in Hell... no sightings of flying pigs...

Charlie: When you're making love, the way to slow yourself down is to think of something completely non-sexual.

Alan: What do you think of?

Charlie: You.

I Always Wanted a Shaved Monkey [2.20]

Charlie: You know, it wouldn't kill you to talk to Mom once in a while.

Alan: We don't know that.

Alan: [Having an argument with Charlie] No no, Charlie, you see, to know what goes on inside my head, you would have to be familiar with the world that exists, beyond the tip of your penis.

Charlie: Don't talk about my penis, you have not earned the right.

Jake [to Alan and Charlie]: You know, if you guys were queer, we'd be what they call an "alter-native" family.

Charlie: Alan, you're like an Alzheimer's victim in a whorehouse.

Alan: Excuse me?

Charlie: You're constantly surprised that you've been screwed... and you don't want to pay for it!

Charlie: Rose, please, don't try to psychoanalyze me.

Rose: Oh, Charlie, psychoanalysis takes years. I'm just messing around inside your head.

Alan: Who would've thought Rose knew what she was talking about?

Charlie: Certainly not Rose.

A Sympathetic Crotch to Cry On [2.21]

Alan: And Grandma doesn't just feed on the souls of the dead, Jake. She also profits from the pain of divorce and the humiliation of bankruptcy.

Alan: Where are you going?

Evelyn: Neiman's. I'm going to need something black.

Charlie: Doesn't your soul qualify?

Evelyn: Laugh now, but when I die, I will be coming back to haunt you. [leaves]

Charlie: How will that be any different than this?

Alan: You're hitting on the widow!

Charlie: No, I'm consoling the widow. I won't start hittin' on her 'til they close the lid.

Alan: Unbelievable. How do you sleep at night?!

Charlie: Usually drunk and on top of somebody. But that takes work, Alan; it doesn't just happen by itself.

Alan: Hey, well, here's an idea: Why don't you run downstairs to the embalming room and see if you can score a couple of fresh ones off the truck?

Charlie: Excuse me, but considering your ex-wife, I'd say you're the expert on having sex with cold women who don't move!

Jake: Where's the dead guy?

Alan: Jake, show a little respect.

Jake: Where's the dead guy sir?

[after Evelyn tries to convince Harry's most recent wife to sell her six-bedroom house]

Alan: That woman just lost her husband!

Evelyn: Alan, the man was fifty years old when she was born!

Alan: So?

Evelyn: So she had to see it coming!

Charlie: Wow. Even for you, that is really cold.

Alan: Oh, Mr. Graveside Nookie weighs in. Five minutes ago you were trying to give the widow a sympathetic crotch to cry on.

[Alan and Jake are looking at Harry's dead body during the funeral]

Jake: How did he die?

Alan: He just got old. His heart stopped.

Jake: Oh. His watch is still going.

Alan: Yep.

Jake: Why would he need a watch anyway? It's not like he's gonna be late for anything.

Evelyn [during the funeral]: I loved this man with all my heart and you left me, you lousy bastard! Well, take a good look! I've still got a great ass and yours is decomposing as we speak!

Evelyn: And I want an unadorned headstone that reads simply, "Evelyn Harper: Loving wife, devoted mother."

Charlie: That's good. Open with a joke.

That Old Hose Bag Is My Mother [2.22]

[Alan just bought a new Porsche, which Charlie is unimpressed with]

Alan: It is not a chick car! The-- the salesman showed me brochures with pictures of men driving it.

Charlie: Alan, if a monkey walked into the dealership, he'd have been shown pictures of monkeys driving it.

Alan: Monkeys can't drive a stick.

Charlie: Alan, where'd the money come from?

Alan: I found it.

Charlie: Alan...

Alan: Mom.

Charlie: You traded your soul for a Porsch?

Alan: I didn't trade my soul, and it's Porsche.

Alan: The first thousand miles is the break-in period. You're not supposed to go over 65.

Charlie: Well, then go 65.

Alan: The speed limit is 60! You want me to get a ticket?

Charlie: Alan, you're driving an expensive red sports car. If you're not getting tickets and tail you might as well take the bus... which, by the way, just passed us.

Charlie: I love the smell of brimstone in the morning.

Trudy [to Alan after drinking another restaurant customer's glass of wine]: Remind me to get some clean urine from you before we go.

Jake: How come it's a secret that dad is on a date?

Charlie: Eh, it's not a secret, it's just never a good idea to tell a woman more than they need to know

Jake: How come?

Charlie: Because we love them and want to protect them. A clueless woman is a happy woman.

Charlie: [on the phone with Alan who is trying to ditch his drunk blind date]: Viagra and a bad ticker. Mom loses more boyfriends that way.

Charlie: Alan, Alan, calm down, calm down! Listen to me. Here's what you do. Take her to a crowded club, pin a warning note on her back as a courtesy to the next guy, and run like hell!

Squab, Squab, Squab, Squab, Squab [2.23]

Evelyn: Excuse me, I didn't hear any complaints when I was raising you two.

Charlie: Really, the teenage drinking and constant running away wasn't a slight tipoff?

Evelyn: Oh, you were just a little drama queen, Charlie. And let's not forget, you always came back.

Charlie: Kinda hard to get steady work when you're nine.

[Jake finds out he's spending the night with Evelyn]

Jake: Uncle Charlie, can you get me out of this?

Charlie: That depends. Are you willing to live in Mexico for a few years?

Jake: Sí.

Charlie: Oh, come on, he's [Jake] not in any real danger.

Alan: Not physically, but you know as well as I do that Mom has the ability to say things that... stick with you.

Charlie: Yeah. Forever and ever. My favorite was, "They must have mixed you up with another baby 'cause I could never have given birth to such a hateful child." Who writes that on a fifth grader's birthday card?

Alan: Oh, how about, "It's no wonder your father doesn't come home from work. If I could get out of here, I would, too."

Charlie: Did I ever tell you about the time I wrote my first jingle for a national commercial? Pepsi. I invited Mom over to watch the prime-time network debut. For thirty seconds, 20 million people were listening to my music, and then at the end, Mom turned to me and said, "You couldn't get Coke to hire you?"

Alan: Nice, but I can top it.

Charlie: Go.

Alan: It's the day of my wedding, right? And she's sitting there crying and I think it's because she's happy. Turns out it was, and I quote, "so relieved you finally found someone who could love you."

Charlie: We gotta go get Jake.

[after Jake's time with Evelyn]

Charlie: Do you realize that in one night, he did what we couldn't do in a lifetime?

Alan: He broke her.

Charlie: Chewed her up and spit her out.

Alan: It was a beautiful thing.

Charlie: I'm gonna be truthful here, Alan. I always thought your kid was a little bit of a simpleton.

Alan: Me, too.

Charlie: But clearly, he is the Chosen One.

Jake: Hey, guys, check it out: [high-pitched voice]: Pull my finger. [lower voice]: OK. [pulls his finger and farts]

Alan: And they shall call him Jake.

Does This Smell Funny to You? [2.24]

Judith: When I brought him [Jake] home Sunday night and served him dinner, he tipped me with a $25 chip from Caesars Palace and told me I had a nice rack!

Alan: Uh, well, Judith... you do.

Judith: I'm warning you, Alan, things had better change around here or there will be serious consequences. Legal consequences! Got it?

Alan: Got it.

Judith: Good-bye. [leaves; Alan shuts the door]

Alan [mocking Judith]: "There will be serious consequences. Legal consequences."

Charlie [also mocking Judith]: "I don't care what you do during the week, but on the weekends, you're a role model."

Alan [same mocking voice]: I enjoy talking this way.

Charlie [same mocking voice]: As do I.

Jake: Have you seen my Game Boy?

Norman: No. Have you seen my wife?

Jake: No. Well, if you see it, let me know.

Norman: Ditto.

Charlie [to Norman]: I am-- I am, I am so sorry. I had no idea that she was married. Believe me, I have a firm rule when it comes to sleeping with married women.

Berta: Yeah, if she's firm enough, he'll do her.

Charlie [to Berta]: I'm sorry, isn't there something around here you could be cleaning?

Berta: I'm guessing you could use a good scrubbing.

Evelyn [to Norman]: Did my son... polish your trophy wife?

Season 3

Weekend in Bangkok with Two Olympic Gymnasts [3.1]

[Alan is lying on the couch after falling off the ladder]

Alan: Do me a favor and call Judith and tell her not to bring Jake over.

Charlie: How come?

Alan: Look at me, Charlie! I have abrasions, contusions, a severely sprained neck, two fractured fingers, and I'm hopped up on pain pills. Does that spell "weekend dad" to you?

Charlie: Well, actually, to me it spells "weekend in Bangkok with two Olympic gymnasts". But that's a whole other story.

[Charlie and Jake are at a restaurant where they are the only white customers]

Jake: This isn't the Clucky's my mom takes me to.

Charlie: No kidding.

Jake: Where are we, anyway?

Charlie: It's called Watts.

Jake: Why do you say "freakin'"? I know what you mean. I'm not a little kid anymore.

[after Evelyn introduced the still-injured Alan to Mona]

Mona: What happened to you?

Alan: I was fixing a satellite dish and I fell off the roof.

Mona: Well, why didn't you just call the guy?

Alan: You wanna know why I didn't call the guy? I'll tell you why I didn't call the guy. BECAUSE YOU DON'T NEED TO CALL THE GUY! It's a simple adjustment that any idiot can do, and yes, I know this idiot fell off the roof, but it was after I fixed it all by myself, NO GUY!

Charlie: So, uh, Betsy, maybe we can get the boys together for a little play date sometime.

Jake: I don't want a play date with some stupid kid just so you can have sex with her!

Charlie [to Jake]: I get that you're growing up, that your body's changing, that your emotions are in flux, but the important thing you need to keep in mind is that... I don't care. When you're in my house, when you're out with me, and especially when we're around women, you will be adorable.

Principal Gallagher's Lesbian Lover [3.2]

[Alan shows Charlie the drawing that got Jake kicked out of school]

Alan: The girl went home in tears, her mother is on the warpath, and Jake could get expelled.

Charlie: For a silly drawing?

Alan: It's considered sexual harassment. The school has a zero-tolerance policy.

Charlie: Oh, for the good old days, when you could wander into a girls' locker room pretending you were blind.

Alan: You actually did that? That's horrible!

Charlie: No, the horrible part was stealing the dog from the blind kid.

Alan: Well, unfortunately, times have changed, and we no longer live in a Porky's movie.

Charlie: I'm sorry, I-I should have picked up the phone.

Alan: Forget it. What's done is done. No sense grinding on it.

Charlie: Thank you.

Alan: I just have to accept the fact that I-- I can't count on anyone, least of all an emotionally immature narcissist who thinks that the sun rises out of his navel and sets in his scrotum, and only cares about what lies between the two.

Charlie: OK, I'm no expert, but that sounds a lot like grinding.

[at Alan's chiropractic office]

Charlie: So this is where you come every day, huh?

Alan: Yep, for eleven years. What do you think?

Charlie: I would have killed myself ten and a half years ago.

Alan: OK, now all you have to do is sit here, and when the phone rings, pick it up and say, "Dr. Harper's office."

Charlie: So right off the bat, I lie?

Alan: I am a doctor, Charlie.

Charlie: Yeah, and I'm king of the traffic doughnuts.

[Alan realizes the buxom woman sitting next to him outside the principal's office is the mother of the subject of Jake's drawing]

Alan: Oh, (laughs), you must be Boobra's mom.

(instantly realizes his Freudian slip, tries to recover with:)

Barbara's mams.

(shuts his eyes in embarrassment, then greets her with a sheepish:)

Hi!

Berta: [large chested, scary housekeeper, sternly talks to Jake] So. You like making fun of girls with big boobs.

Jake: [looking pale] Not any more.

Alan: OK, OK, I had hoped that we could have a spirited exchange of ideas here, but if we are going to just degenerate into name calling, perhaps we should wait for the principal to decide what a reasonable punishment for my son would be.

Mindy: [Barbara Schmidt's busty mother] Fine. We'll let the principal decide.

[The principal, another large-breasted woman, enters the hall from her office]

Principal: I'm principal Gallagher.

Alan: [defeated] Oh, God, my boy's going to get the chair.

Carpet Burns and a Bite Mark [3.3]

Charlie: You know, for the record, a lovely dinner doesn't necessarily preclude carpet burns and a bite mark on your ass.

Alan: In this case, it was just dinner and a pleasant conversation.

Charlie: Well, that's why God gave us Cinemax and an opposable thumb.

Evelyn: Alan, sweetheart, you know I only want the best for you, right?

Alan: Uh...

Evelyn: I do! [to Berta and Rose]: I do! [to Alan]: Which is why, when Judith threw you out, I was right there supporting you.

Alan: You had other options?

Evelyn: Don't be naïve! I could have sucked up to Judith in order to have more access to my grandson. But, no, I burned that bridge. I said horrible things to her that I can never take back.

Charlie: And keep in mind, this is a woman who worked the phrase "mousy bitch" into her wedding toast.

Alan: What if he [Jake] comes back? Maybe I should go.

Judith: Or we could, uh, go upstairs and get in bed.

Alan: Bed? Our old bed?

Judith: My new bed.

Alan: What was wrong with the old one?

Judith: Too many memories.

Alan: Of what? You pretending to sleep and me watching Letterman?

Your Dismissive Attitude Toward Boobs [3.4]

Alan: What are you doing?

Jake: Masticating.

Alan: What?

Jake: Don't worry, it doesn't mean what you think.

Alan: What do you think I think?

Jake [smiling]: You know...

Berta: Do you mind if I take your room?

Alan: My room? Gee, I, I--

Berta: Trust me, you want me to have a room with a private crapper.

Alan: Incredible! I've been living here for two years, and you still consider me a houseguest.

Charlie: No, my houseguests bring a bottle of wine and have sex with me.

Alan: Oh, I'm sorry, I'll go get some Chardonnay and assume the position.

Charlie: Hey, don't be letting your mouth write checks your ass can't cash.

Alan: You know what the pecking order is in this house? Charlie, women Charlie sleeps with, Charlie's bookie, women Charlie hopes to sleep with, termites, me!

Berta: Well, that's just not right.

Alan: Yeah, but what am I supposed to do? I-I-I can't really afford my own place. I mean, I could, but it certainly wouldn't be on the beach, unless the beach was Guadalcanal.

Berta: It's a shame, you paying all that money for an ex-wife and an ex-wife's house, and you're not allowed inside either one.

Alan: Oh, this looks interesting: "Two-bedroom, needs work, up-and-coming neighborhood." Wh-- what does that mean, uh, "up-and-coming neighborhood"?

Evelyn: It means the realtor couldn't move the house saying "drug-ravaged battlefield".

Alan: You know, I-- I'd rather be a second-class citizen here in paradise than king of a urine-soaked firetrap next to Burbank Airport!

We Called It Mr. Pinky [3.5]

Charlie: I'm gonna tell you something that'll serve you well for your entire life.

Jake: Like when you're peeing outside, always face downwind?

Charlie: Better. By the way, what the hell were you thinking?

Jake: I was thinking, "Boy, I hope that's really warm rain."

Charlie: Say what you want about me, but at least I've never chosen to have women in my life who do nothing but mistreat me.

Berta [walking into the kitchen]: Hey, stud, I don't know what kind of sick, twisted party you had in your bedroom the last couple of days, but I sure as hell ain't cleaning it up! [leaves; Alan stares at Charlie]

Charlie: That is different. Way different.

Charlie: Are you aware that I'm a misogynist?

Evelyn: Really? I raised you Episcopalian.

Charlie: This isn't funny! My anger and mistrust towards women starts with you, which wasn't a problem until it spilled over into my sex life.

Evelyn: So, you're blaming Mummy because Little Charlie can't come out and play?

Charlie: OK, first of all, we don't call it "Little Charlie"!

Evelyn: What do we call it, darling?

Charlie: We don't call it anything!

Evelyn: Well, when you were a baby, we called it "Mr. Pinky".

Charlie: I may never have sex again.

Evelyn: Oh, wait a sec, Mr. Pinky was the cat. What did we call your penis?

[Jake made cupcakes for Alan and Charlie]

Alan: It's, uh, it's very tasty. What, uh, what prompted this?

Jake: I figured out I don't need a girlfriend. If I want a cupcake, I just make it myself.

Charlie: Taking matters into his own hands. The metaphor is now complete.

Jake: Anybody want to lick the beater?

Alan and Charlie: No.

Hi, Mr. Horned One [3.6]

Alan: Isabella, I hate to be a fuddy-duddy, but we try to keep the house smoke-free.

Isabella: I'm sorry. [she puts her cigarette out in Jake's cereal] Charlie didn't say anything when I was smoking in bed last night.

Alan: Yeah, well, Charlie's lungs aren't always on the same page as his penis.

Alan [on the phone]: I-- I don't think so, Mom. First of all, I-- I'm just not a big fan of costume parties. Yeah, Jake likes The Wizard of Oz, but I-- I just don't think he'd enjoy hanging out with a bunch of drunken real estate agents dressed like Judy Garland. [pause] Oh, OK, I'll get him. [to Charlie]: Mom wants to ask you something.

Charlie [on the phone]: Hi, Mom, no! [hangs up]

Alan: Do you have any idea what Isabella is really into?

Charlie: So she's a little kinky!

Alan: No, no, no. "Kinky" is a feather duster up your butt. I think this woman tried to put a curse on me.

Charlie: Oh, please, who of us hasn't done that? To know you is to curse you.

Isabella: Did you really think that you could just end this?

Charlie: I was kinda hoping.

Isabella: Dont you realize that our souls are now bound together destined to writhe ecstatically in blessed hellfire for all eternity?

Charlie: [to Alan] Boy, I know how to pick 'em, don't I?

Berta: [seeing Alan's swollen eye] Great googooly moogoolies! What the hell happened to you?

Alan: I'm not sure..

Berta: Looks like you got bitten in the face by one of them Ebola monkeys.

Alan: I don't think so, Berta.

Berta: I mean, you were not exactly eye candy going in but... now. Woof! You could scare the flies off a manure truck!

Charlie: Simply out of curiosity: What exactly is this curse? What should I be on the lookout for?

Isabella: Your crops will wither in the field.

Charlie: Yeah, okay.

Isabella: Your cattle will sicken and die.

Charlie: [not impressed] Aha.

Isabella: Your manhood will shrivel and become a useless husk.

Charlie: I gotta fold here, Alan. Okay, you got me. What do you say we call the girls over and start spawning baby Gilgamesh?

Sleep Tight, Puddin' Pop [3.7]

Rose: OK, now it's time for party games.

Charlie: I've got one. [grabs a bottle of liquor] It's called "Drink Until This Night Makes Some Sort of Sense".

[After Charlie wakes up after a night in bed with Rose]

Charlie: What I need to do is find my passport and head for the border. What you have to do is tell Rose that I was drunk and I'm sorry and there's no need to hunt me down and glue my testicles to my thigh...again!

Berta: I'll tell you right now, you're swabbing on your own nail polish remover this time!

Charlie: That wasn't pleasant for either of us, Berta!

Jake: Uncle Charlie?

Charlie: Yeah, buddy.

Jake: You know what'd be cool? If you and Rose got married.

Alan: Yeah, Charlie, that would be cool! I could be the best man, carry the ring for you and the medication for her. Do pharmacies have bridal registries? Hey, have-- have you guys talked about having kids? Are we gonna hear the pitter-patter of teeny-weeny, crazy-ass feet? [to Jake]: No, he's not gonna marry Rose.

Jake: Why not? He's already getting sex from her.

Charlie: Jake, Jake, the only reason Rose was in my bed is because she was too tired to go home.

Jake: Uncle Charlie, I'm an underachiever, not an idiot.

[Charlie opens the front door to find Evelyn using her cellphone]

Alan [on the phone]: Hello?

Evelyn: Alan! Oh, good, I'm glad you're home. [Alan turns around to see Evelyn at the door] Listen, uh, I'm in the neighborhood, and I know how Charlie hates it when I just drop in unannounced so I-- I thought I'd call first.

Alan: I'll let him know. [hangs up the phone] Charlie, Mom's coming over!

Charlie [looking straight at Evelyn]: Tell her I'm not here.

Harvey: Well, you know, you do the best you can to raise them [children], and in the end, they drive down life's highway on their own.

Evelyn: Isn't that the truth? I think God gives us children so death won't come as such a disappointment.

Harvey's mother: Harvey, how many times have I told you not to leave an estate without telling me?

Harvey: Aw, mom...

Harvey's mother: Get in the car, we're going home.

Harvey: But mom, we're getting married!

Harvey's mother: To this trash? I don't think so.

Everlyn: Excuse me?

Charlie: Roll with it, Mom.

Harvey's mother: I'm counting to three, Harvey. One... Two...

Harvey: I'm going. I'm going.

Everlyn: Keep the robe.

Harvey: Thanks. I'm not wearing pants.

Harvey's mother: Harvey, do I have to put you on my knees?

Harvey: I'm going. I'm going.

Harvey's mother: He's really a good boy, but these things happen when you marry a first cousin.

Charlie: I'd say they're lucky to have opposable thumbs.

That Voodoo That I Do Do [3.8]

Charlie: Look, if you knew me at all and shut me down, it would be one thing, but to be dismissed on a simple "hello", well, that's a tough pill to swallow.

Mia: Would you rather I give it to you in a suppository?

Charlie: Well, to be perfectly honest...

Mia: Good-bye. [leaves]

Alan: Hey, hey, did you hear that?

Charlie: What?

Alan: It's a... it's a fat lady, and she's... singing.

Charlie: You'd give up right now, wouldn't you?

Alan: Charlie, Elvis has left the building! I mean, giving up is a little moot at this point.

Charlie: Yeah, well, that kind of attitude is why you sleep alone with a copy of Monster Boobs magazine under your pillow.

Alan: Stay out of my room.

Alan: Just 'cause you're reading a dance magazine doesn't make you a dancer.

Berta: Why not? You're a monster boob.

Alan: Will you both stay out of my room?!

Alan: And you, wh-- why do you enable this behavior?

Berta: Why? I'll tell you why. Because your brother is the embodiment of the can-do, roll-up-your-sleeves spirit that made this country great. He never gets discouraged, he goes after what he wants, and he doesn't know the meaning of the word "quit". And if the day should come when any man, no matter how humble, can't go out there and soil the loins of some hot little dancer, well, I don't want to live in that America. [starts singing "America the Beautiful"]

Mia: OK, let's start first position. Jake, do you know first position?

Jake: Is that like missionary position?

Mia: Your uncle and I would like to spend some alone time together.

Jake: Oh... all right.

Charlie: You want me to tuck you in?

Jake: I'm too old to get tucked in, you... you ass-face!

Madame and Her Special Friend [3.9]

Norma: Are you related to that dreadful Charlie?

Alan: My mother says I am, but frankly, I have my doubts I'm related to her.

Norma: Well, Alan, uh, there's a little red sports car blocking my driveway. I assume it belongs to one of your brother's "hooers."

Alan: One of his what?

Norma: Hooers. Ever since he moved in here, it's been one endless parade of hooers.

Alan: Oh, whores! Uh, well, in all fairness, most of them don't have the math skills to be whores.

Charlie: What is that old witch doing here?

Alan: Old witch? She's a charming woman!

Charlie: Of course she's charming. They're all charming. That's how they lure you into their houses made out of candy and gingerbread.

Charlie: Why are you dating a woman who most likely lost her virginity during World War II? And knowing her, probably not to one of our guys.

Alan: OK, first of all, we're not dating. I am escorting her to a charity event. And second of all, her age is irrelevant. The only thing that matters is what inside a person.

Charlie: Yeah, well, the only thing inside her is dust and undigested mastodon meat.

Alan: She isn't that old, Charlie.

Charlie: Oh, come on, I bet she was an eyewitness to the birth of agriculture.

Alan: Stop it!

Charlie: Her high school graduation picture is probably on a cave wall in France.

Charlie: Hey, If you got her [Norma] pregnant, we can get a full page in Ripley's.

Alan: Give it a rest, Charlie.

Charlie: Oh, come on, I've been working on these all morning! Listen to this: "Her first car was a chariot." "She called her first husband Hun, 'cause he was one!" "Her first Christmas was the first Christmas." "Likes to take long walks on the beach after crawling out of the ocean and growing legs." "Her birthstone was lava." And finally, "The Big Bang"! I don't have a joke for that but I know there's something there!

Something Salted and Twisted [3.10]

[Alan shows everyone the advance copy of a newspaper with him on the front page]

Charlie: "Good doctor, good neighbor, good guy."

Evelyn: Good God.

Jake: Hey, Dad, you're famous!

Alan: Uh, well, not really. Well, among the readers of the Tarzana PennySaver, maybe a little.

Charlie: Don't forget the homeless people who make underpants out of it.

Evelyn: Charlie, don't be disrespectful.

Alan: Thank you, Mom.

Evelyn: So how much advertising did you have to buy in exchange for this puff piece?

[Alan is drunk]

Jake: Boy, you're really plowed, aren't you?

Alan: No, your daddy doesn't get "plowed". He just gets a little "bzzz". Bzzz.

Alan: Why can't my mother appreciate me? All I wanted was one sincere "attaboy". Is that too much to ask?

[in the bathroom, Alan is vomiting in the toilet]

Charlie: Attaboy!

Charlie: You know what that smell is? Epiphany... For Men.

Charlie: You were conditioned as a child to seek Mom's approval. You're still seeking Mom's approval, and you make every woman in the world a substitute Mom.

Alan: But what about you? We had the same mother.

Charlie: Well, I handle my conditioning in a different way. I have casual and often degrading sex with my substitute Moms, but we're talking about you and not me so forget I said that.

Alan: Oh, how I'll try.

Female Bartender: Would you like some more pretzels?

Charlie: Well, I am in the mood for something salty and twisted.

Alan: Wait a minute, that's your big secret? Alcohol?

Charlie: Shhh. Don't tell anybody.

Alan: But isn't that just a temporary solution.

Charlie: It's only temporary if you stop drinking.

Alan: I like it.

Santa's Village of the Damned [3.11]

Charlie: You see, Sandy, it's sort of a family tradition. Every year our mom invites us over for Christmas even though she doesn't want us to come, and we say yes even we don't want to go. Then when we don't show up, even though she's secretly relieved, she gets to complain about what horrible children she has to all of her friends. It's the perfect gift.

Alan [referring to his new girlfriend Sandy]: Huh? Huh? Beauty, sex, cooking, laundry?

Charlie: Marriage, boredom, alimony, death?

Charlie: You lucky dog!

Alan: What? I'm not going in there, she's nuts!

Charlie: Yeah, so? Sex with crazy chicks is great! Just make sure you pick positions where you can see what her hands are doing.

Alan: No, no, that would be taking advantage of a... a mentally unbalanced person.

Charlie: Oh, Alan, that boat has sailed! May as well hop on board for a farewell cruise!

That Special Tug [3.12]

Charlie: I don't have a lot of faith in psychiatry as a science. I think some of the drugs you're pushing are interesting, and I'm all for messing around with brain chemistry. I mean, that's how I got through high school. But in my experience, popping pills doesn't relieve social anxiety quite as well as, say, bourbon and Marvin Gaye.

Dr. Freeman: Now I get it. You're desperate, and I'm full of hooey. So in the words of Marvin Gaye, "What's goin' on?"

Charlie: Everything I say is confidential, right?

Dr. Freeman: Whatever you say stays in this room.

Charlie: Kind of like Vegas.

Dr. Freeman: Well, except there's no way you're leaving here with more money than when you came in.

Charlie: Yeah, like Vegas.

Alan: So, uh, how long till the movie starts?

Charlie: Uh, about twenty minutes.

Alan: Yeah, sure, twenty minutes, not counting previews and ads, the popcorn and the giant pretzel holding hands, the-- the, the big soda drinking the little soda which, frankly is cannibalism, and the always-welcome reminder to turn off your cell phones and shut up but nobody ever does because, let's face it, good manners are just the latest casualty in the ongoing collapse of Western civilization.

[at the movie theater]

Charlie: Alan, you need to be quiet.

Alan: Why? The First Amendment gives me the right to yell "Goobers" in a crowded theater! GOOBERS!

Alan: Uh, uh, "Debra Winger and Richard Gere starred in An Officer and a 'blank'." Oh, please!

Charlie: You need a hint? There's a hint upside down in the corner.

Alan: No, I don't need a hint! Eh, eh, I know the answer! Everybody here knows the ans-- everybody on the planet knows the answer! We're not stupid!

Charlie: Ch-- chill, chill.

Alan: Oh, oh, wait, oh, here's another brain teaser: Uh, uh, "Steven Spielberg directed this modern retelling of the H. G. Wells classic, War of the 'blank'." Uh, uh, "Couch!" War of the Couch!

Charlie [whispering]: Stop it!

Alan [yelling]: Oh, wait, no, no, I-- I got it! War of the BLOW IT OUT YOUR ASS!

Charlie: You know what? You know, maybe you're right. Maybe we should go. [they start leaving]

Alan: No, wait, no, I know this one: Uh, "Johnny Depp cruised to success in this comedy-action film inspired by a Disneyland attraction." Pirates of the BLOW IT OUT YOUR ASS!

Charlie [to another theater patron]: He's-- he's behind on his reading.

Alan: Oh, oh, and-- and, let's not forget-- uh, uh, Judy Garland in that immortal classic, The Wizard of BLOW IT OUT YOUR ASS!

[the two women Charlie brought home are skinny dipping in the ocean]

Alan: Have you no shame?!

Charlie: Let me think. Nope, just a tug.

Alan: Now that's another thing! My angst is real. I-- I do not appreciate you taking my tug and using it to get in someone's pants.

Charlie: News flash, Alan: they're already out of their pants!

Humiliation is a Visual Medium [3.13]

Charlie: Looks to be a beautiful day. Slightly overcast, but that should burn off in a few hours, leaving us with another sun-dappled afternoon in paradise.

Berta: You still drunk from last night, or did you get a fresh buzz this morning?

Charlie: No, ma'am, I am quite simply high on life.

Berta [to Alan]: Blotto.

Charlie: I think I might be in love with Mia.

Alan: Big deal. You've always been in love with you-a.

Charlie: I've just been seeing this ballet dancer, and I think she might be the one.

Evelyn [to Alan]: Drunk?

Alan: He says no.

Berta: I think it might be one of those designer drugs. Charlie? [slowly]: What did you take?

Charlie: I'm serious. We've been seeing each other for over a month, and we're waiting to sleep together until our relationship has a solid foundation.

Evelyn: Well, we can rule out ecstasy. That's a powerful aphrodisiac. I've heard.

Jake: Nowadays, we're supposed to say "African-American-disiac".

Charlie: Hey, listen, about this "living without sex" thing, I was hoping you can give me a little advice.

Alan: Me? What would make you think of me?

Charlie: Well, I figured you get laid less often than a boil-covered dwarf, am I right?

Alan: I don't have the actual statistics, but go on.

Charlie: Well, you must get really frustrated. I mean, how do you stop yourself from, you know, running a red light and then taunting the cop 'til he shoots you?

Alan: Ah, good question. Uh, I found that the best thing to do is to focus on your career, uh, get a hobby, uh, become involved in community activities, and at the end of the day, if you have any energy left, find a quiet space and yank it like a monkey in a mango tree.

Charlie: You know, on a counter-programming note, the Lakers are playing Miami tonight.

Mia: Would you rather watch that?

Charlie: No, no, this is fine. Of course, I don't have a $500 bet down on the ballet.

Mia[about Kandi]: Go back with your bimbo.

Mia: You wanna go upstairs?

Charlie:Not right now.

Mia:Oh, please don't tell me you got somebody in your room?

Love Isn't Blind, It's Retarded [3.14]

Mia: The fancy beach house works with a lot of women, doesn't it?

Charlie: Honestly, it's like a G-spot with two mortgages.

Mia: Well, just so you know, I'm nogjt with you for your house or your money.

Charlie: So it's the car.

Mia: Why would I care about your car?

Charlie: It's an $80,000 Mercedes.

Mia: Yeah, so what does it do that other cars don't do?

Charlie: It costs $80,000!

Alan: Uh, well, Kandi... it's like this: Charlie's with another woman.

Kandi: Don't lie to me, Alan.

Alan: OK, uh... he's in... Africa working as a scrub nurse for Doctors Without Borders.

Kandi: Story of my life!

[Kandi, dressed as a Catholic schoolgirl, meets Jake and Judith for the first time]

Kandi: You must be Jake.

Jake: Uh-huh.

Kandi [to Judith]: And you must be Jake's grandma.

Judith [to Charlie]: I suppose you're the one who introduced Alan to that slutty little--

Charlie: Don't say it, Judith; you'll just be demeaning all women. And yes.

Judith: Figures. Well, I don't want her [Kandi] around my son.

Alan: Oh, oh, oh, really? So, do I get to screen the men that you're dating? And let's not forget, I know about that guy who delivered the truckload of sod.

Judith: What about him?

Alan: [scoffs] It doesn't take two months to put down a new lawn, Judith.

Charlie: Sounds like she got laid before the sod did.

Alan: See, the thing for me was that I-- I never should have gotten married. I-- I was young, I didn't know who I was, and to be completely honest, I was just afraid of being alone.

Kandi: Wow. Can I share something with you?

Alan: Uh, yes, please, this is... uh, communicating. This is how we connect.

Kandi: You shouldn't tell people that stuff. It makes you sound like a loser.

Alan: No, it makes me sound like a real human being, a-- a person with feelings and flaws.

Kandi: [makes the "loser" hand gesture]

My Tongue is Meat [3.15]

Berta: This is a sad, sad day. I always figured you'd be the last guy in the world to end up whipped.

Charlie: I am not whipped. I'm... considerate.

Berta: Considerate.

Charlie: Yeah. See, I love Mia, and I want her to be happy. And I happen to know she's not happy when I smoke cigars and drink and gamble and stay out all night and... eat meat and sugar and grease and fat and... nap and swear and wear shorts and bowling shirts...

Berta: Oh, Charlie, you ain't just whipped. You're roped, saddled, and gelded. They could use you to give rides at kids' birthday parties.

[Charlie sprays breath spray in his mouth to try to conceal the stench of cigars and booze from Mia]

Berta: That ain't gonna do it, Alice.

Charlie: What?

Berta: You smell like a beer bottle that just fell out of Joe Camel's ass.

Charlie: Well, what am I supposed to do?

Berta: Um, hang on, let's see if I got anything in here that might mask that stench. Oven cleaner? No. Ty-D-Bol? No. How do you feel about taking a whore's bath with a hunk of blue cheese?

Charlie: And did she [Evelyn] or did she not say that I'm a lazy-ass schlock jingle writer who wasted thirteen years of piano lessons that she paid for by marrying a series of men with large wallets and small penises?

Mia: Yes, that was mentioned. But it's only natural for someone who loves you to want to see you live up to your potential. I mean, do you really want to be known as the guy who writes songs about adult diapers?

Charlie: Hey, it's better than being known as the guy who wears them.

[everyone at the vegetarian restaurant is staring at Charlie and Mia]

Charlie: Well, good! Maybe now you know how I feel, sitting in a restaurant eating medallions of bean curd with lawnmower sauce! Am I right? No man should have to eat anything with the word "curd" in it!

Mia: You know, you're turning into a real ass here!

Charlie: Well, then, I'm finally living up to my potential. [Mia leaves] I'm a big ol' bourbon-soaked, cigar-humping ass, as God in His infinite wisdom meant me to be. As He meant all men to be! [one person claps but everyone else is silent] You guys are disappointing God.

Ergo, The Booty Call [3.16]

Charlie: Hey, here's a fun fact. You're sleeping with a girl who was born when you were in junior high, and yet there's a good chance she lost her virginity before you did.

[Alan scoffs, shakes his head, and then starts to do the math in his head]

Charlie: And here's another fun fact. I'll bet she's had sex with more girls than you too.

Alan: [scoffs again, and again does the math and smiles] That is a fun fact!

Alan: You're kidding, Rose has a boyfriend?

Charlie: Yep.

Alan: A real one or like Toby the astronaut?

Alan: Uh, well... uh, uh, you see Jake, um... In the Old West, uh, uh... cowboys, uh, could be out on the-- the dusty range... uh, uh, for months... at a time, and, uh, they get mighty dirty. Um, so they'd, uh, they'd, uh, mosey into town, uh, with nothing but the-- the clothes on their backs, uh, and th-- they'd need to, to, to wash them. So what-- what they'd do is, uh, they-- they would go down to the-- the, the... "crick", uh, and, uh, strip down until they were wearing, uh, nothing but their boots.

Charlie: Why'd they keep their boots on?

Alan: Rattlesnakes. [to Jake]: Uh, anyway, um, in order to... to, to warn, uh, people who were swimming that, you know, a-- a naked... cowboy was, uh, on his way, he would yell, or, uh, or, if you will, uh, call, uh, "Booty! Booty!" Ergo, the "booty call".

Kandi: Wow. Alan, you really make history fun.

Alan: Well, thank you.

Kandi: So when did it start meaning casual sex?

Charlie: Alan, there comes a time in every man's life when he has to make a choice; does he want to be loved, or does he want to get laid. Fourteen years ago you made the wrong choice. You got married, and you wound up with neither. But now, now fate has given you another chance. Welcome it. Embrace it. Grab its pert little ass.

Alan: What am I supposed to do, walk into my son's birthday and say, "Hey everybody, look at this gorgeous twenty-two year old woman I'm having sex with."

Charlie: Oh, don't be silly. You don't want to rub their faces in it! You just want them to know where yours has been. Oh, yeah, one more thing.

Alan: Yeah?

Charlie: "Booty! Booty!"

Rose: So I suppose Charlie hasn't told you I have a new man in my life.

Evelyn: Oh, good for you, dear. Does the man know yet?

[Alan and Kandi arrive late to Jake's birthday party. Everyone stares at them upon coming in]

Alan: Sorry we're late, but... I was having sex with this gorgeous twenty-two-year-old woman!

Charlie: Wait, wait-wait-wait-wait... [grabs a camcorder] OK, come in and say that again!

[Jake is sick in the bathroom during his birthday party]

Alan: Well, wait a second-- why did you take vitamins?

Jake: I was tired!

Alan: OK, but-- but where did you find vitamins to take?

Jake: In your medicine cabinet.

Alan: I don't have any vitamins in my medicine cabinet.

Jake: Yeah, you do -- the little blue ones with a "V" on them.

Charlie: Oooh.

Judith: What's going on? I don't understand.

Berta: The kid's gonna need another party hat.

The Unfortunate Little Schnauser [3.17]

Charlie: With his [Jake's] grades, he might as well get used to pushing shopping carts around.

Alan: Are you saying my son's gonna end up working in a supermarket?

Charlie: No, I'm saying he's probably gonna end up homeless.

Evelyn: Charlie, I need a favor.

Charlie: Yeah, well, I need a healthy liver, and there's a long waiting list for both.

Evelyn: This event isn't televised, is it?

Charlie: No.

Evelyn: Hmm. Well, I guess they only show the important awards.

Charlie: [hands his keys to Alan] Congratulations, you've just been elected tonight's designated driver.

Alan: Come on, just ignore her.

Charlie: Ignore her? It'd be easier to ignore blood in my urine!

Awards ceremony emcee: And now, before we present the Jingle of the Year award, we have a special treat.

Charlie: Please tell me they're gonna pass out guns.

[Jake and Alan sing Archie's "Save the Orphans" jingle after the ceremony]

Charlie: Enough!

Alan: C'mon, it's catchy.

Charlie: So is diphtheria.

Jake: How come you don't get a runner-up trophy?

Charlie: 'Cause I don't.

Jake: In school, everybody gets a trophy just for participating.

Charlie: Well, Jake, that's the difference between school and life. In life, all you get for participating is pain, loneliness, and death.

Charlie: Rose, think about it. Where are you gonna find a guy who loves you as much as Gordon? And Gordon, where are you gonna find a girl... period?

The Spit-Covered Cobbler [3.18]

Kandi: Ouch.

Alan: What?

Kandi: One of my teeth hurts when I brush it.

Alan: When was the last time you saw a dentist?

Kandi: Alan, I see people all the time. They don't always tell you what they do.

Alan: Do you know how to get a 1981 Plymouth Duster moving?

Charlie: Yeah, yank out the eight-track and push it off a cliff.

Alan: (mock laughter) You're useless.

Kandi: Alan, should I try it [starting her car] again?

Alan: Uh, no, I'm gonna call Triple-A.

Kandi: Good, no sense drinking over this.

Charlie: You must be so proud.

Alan: Hey, hey, she may not be sophisticated, but she's... street-smart.

Charlie: Sesame Street-smart.

Alan: Did you know they [the pizzeria he is delivering for] actually have a little machine that shoots the cheese into the crust?

Charlie: Is that so?

Alan: Yep, it's a little high-pressure gun. Can't kill yourself with it, though. I tried.

Alan: I'm all tapped out. All-- all I have left to put on eBay is a, a-- a kidney or a lung.

Kandi: If I were you, I'd sell the kidney 'cause lungs don't grow back.

Alan: Where are you going?

Charlie: I'm gonna solve all your problems. (returns to the kitchen with a baseball bat in his hand) You wanna see it coming or should I surprise you?

Alan: (mock laughter) You're not funny.

Jake: Hey, how come my mom hates Kandi?

Charlie: What gave you the idea that she hates her?

Jake: 'Cause she says so... a lot.

Charlie: All right. Why do you think?

Jake: I dunno. She's pretty, she's fun, and Dad seems real happy with her.

Charlie: Well, little man, you just answered your own question.

Jake: I did? What'd I say?

Charlie: It's like this: You ever see a kid at school who doesn't like his lunch but he won't let you have it either?

Jake: Oh, yeah. Russell Beasley. He'll spit on his apple cobbler before he'll let anybody else eat it.

Charlie: Well, this is pretty much the same deal, except your mom is Russell Beasley, and your dad is the spit-covered cobbler.

Jake: I don't understand.

Charlie: Even though your mom doesn't want your dad, she doesn't want Kandi to eat him, either.

Jake: Oh.

Golly Moses, She's A Muffin [3.19]

Berta: Just out of curiosity, when you leave here, where is it you go?

Kandi: To the gym. I have to take care of my body 'cause it's my instrument.

Berta: Mine too. Three beers and a bratwurst and my ass turns into a French horn.

Kandi: Really? Whenever I have beer and bratwurst, I just fart a lot.

Alan: Hey, I may not have the biggest boat in the marina, but nobody rows harder than me.

Berta: OK, I haven't sampled anything from the other side of the buffet since I traveled with the Grateful Dead, but, Golly Moses, she's a muffin.

[Kandi answers the door in a bikini]

Judith: I just don't think that outfit is appropriate for Jake.

Kandi: Oh, I agree. He would look ridiculous in this.

Kandi: You know, I'm a child of divorce too, Jake.

Alan: Really? How old were you when your parents split up?

Kandi: Twenty-two.

Alan: But you're twenty-two now.

Kandi: Twenty-two and a half! Boy, what I'd give to be twenty-two again.

Kandi: I don't even know who you are anymore!

Alan: Oh, do you wanna know who I am? I'm the idiot who's paying you ten dollars an hour to miss phone calls, nap in the bathroom, and use my X-ray machine on Mexican food!

Kandi: Well, I wanted to know what's inside a chimichanga!

Alan: If you didn't know what was in it, why'd you order it?!

Kandi: 'Cause it's fun to say "chimichanga"!

[Judith and Kandi enter Charlie's house drunk at 3:00am]

Kandi: Shhh! We don't want to wake up Mr. Alan Hitler!

Judith: No, no, Osama bin Alan.

Always a Bridesmaid, Never a Burro [3.20]

[Charlie is in bed with Kandi's mother, Mandi]

Alan: Are you sure I'm not interrupting?

Charlie: Don't worry about it. We're kind of at the seventh-inning stretch anyway.

Mandi: You can go two more innings?

Charlie: Even if I have to start throwing knuckle balls.

Kandi [to Alan]: I think we've reached an implants in our relationship.

Judith: Impasse!

Alan [to God after finding out that Kandi has set her father up on a date with Judith]: I watch one donkey sex show, and you make me pay for it the rest of my life!

Charlie [to Mandi]: When Alan was eight, I convinced him he only had two weeks to live. But I suppose that tells you more about me than him.

Alan: Yeah, good times. But back to recent events--

Charlie: Ooh, ooh! Remember when I told you the cat litter box was filled with almond roca? He ate four of them. [Mandi laughs]

Alan: Are we done visiting Charlie Harper's Museum of Sibling Cruelty?

Alan: So as I was leaving my ex-wife's house, I ran into your ex-husband.

Mandi: Andy?

Alan: I guess.

Charlie: Wait a second. It's Mandi, Andy, and Kandi?

Mandi: What's your point?

Charlie: No point. Mandi, Andy, Kandi. Dandy.

Mandi: Hi, Alan. How are you?

Alan: About two heartbeats from a brain aneurysm.

And the Plot Moistens [3.21]

Charlie: Forget it, Alan. I only do the après sex chat with people I've just had sex with.

Alan: Come on, she's [Kandi] playing Family Feud with her toes!

Charlie: I don't care if she's playing banjo with her nipples!

Alan: But I-- I need to communicate after lovemaking. I-- I need to share.

Charlie: Well, maybe you should have thought of that before you started boinkin' a girl with the IQ of Tickle Me Elmo!

Alan: Fine. [walks away from Charlie toward Berta] Hey, Berta, how's it going?

Berta: Back off, Zippy. If you want pillow talk, you gotta spoon me first.

Judith: Well, I don't know about his father, but I've tried to share some of my interests with him [Jake].

Alan: Unfortunately, he's a little young to drink in the dark and bitch about men.

Charlie: You like classic rock, right?

Jake: Right.

Charlie: OK, well, pick a band.

Jake: How about Queen?

Alan: Oh, good. I was afraid he was gonna pick something gay.

Charlie [after Jake's off-key rendition of "Bohemian Rhapsody"]: Kid's a double threat. Tone-deaf and arrogant.

Alan [while playing Scrabble with Francine]: Oh, boy. I have more vowels than a Honolulu phone book.

Judith [noticing Kandi's new diamond necklace]: Is that a diamond necklace? You never gave me a diamond necklace.

Alan: Yeah, well, you never gave me extra-special bonus sex.

Just Once With Aunt Sophie [3.22]

Charlie: Let me give you an example. Jake's at a party. All the boys are on one side of the room, all the girls are on the other. What's he do?

Alan: Um...

Charlie: You see? You see? Right there. That "Um..." is the battle cry of the chronic masturbator.

Alan: Define "chronic".

Charlie: Face it Alan. What can you bring to the table other than a lifetime of failure with women?

Alan: It's not a lifetime yet!

Charlie: I, on the other hand have a wealth of experience.

Alan: He's [Jake's] twelve! He doesn't need to know how to choreograph a three-way!

Charlie: Relax, Jake, Ricky knows what he's doing. He's been cutting my hair for years.

Jake: Well, what if I don't want to look like you?

Charlie: What's wrong with the way I look?

Jake: Nothing... if you're a statue in front of a Big Boy restaurant.

Charlie: I'm buying the little wiseass a $75 haircut, and he's taking shots at me?!

Alan: You said it yourself: He has to find his own look.

Charlie: Yeah, well, let him find it on somebody else's MasterCard!

Alan: Come on, look at his point of view.

Charlie: What's his point of view?

Alan: Well, put overalls on you, and you do look kind of like the Big Boy. Stand like this for me: [poses like a Big Boy statue]

Alan: Nevertheless, I am Jake's father, and I believe that childhood should be a time of innocence.

Charlie: I agree, childhood should be a time of innocence. And Bambi's mother shouldn't die, and lap dances should be complementary after the fifth cocktail, but that's not the world we live in. This party tonight is the initial round in a lifelong process of sexual elimination.

Alan: Oh, really?

Charlie: Think of it as musical chairs, but when the music stops, the guys who have a clue are sitting on a woman instead of a chair. The guys who have no clue? They'll spend their teenage years-- well, I certainly don't need to tell Dungeon Master Alan.

Alan: Charlie, be serious. I remember how nervous I was about my first boy-girl party.

Charlie: Oh yeah, that was in college, wasn't it?"

Arguments for the Quickie [3.23]

Jake: Oh, yeah, she [Mia] wants us to come see her dance next weekend.

Charlie: It [the newspaper] says she's performing this weekend.

Jake: Oh, I guess she called last weekend.

Charlie: You're telling me this now?!

Alan: Charlie, Charlie, calm down.

Charlie: How many things does the kid have to handle? Eat, poop, tell me who called!

Jake: She said some guy named Will has tickets.

Charlie [sighs]: Who's Will?

Jake: I don't know. She said he'd call.

Charlie: Will's gonna call?

Alan: You mean the tickets are at will call?

Jake: I don't know, maybe.

Charlie: Dear God, he's a doorstop that eats!

Charlie: Hey, Alan. [to Jake]: Matey.

Jake: I'm not a pirate.

Charlie: You're not a gangsta, either. You're a dorky white kid with a Cub Scout bandana on his head. [takes it off]

Jake: Yo, hate the game, don't hate the playa.

Mia: Why don't I get changed and I'll stop by your house in a little while?

Charlie: Sure, I'll be up, 'cause you know, I'm a night person.

Mia: I remember.

Charlie: Of course, if you come too late, I could be drunk.

Mia: I remember.

Charlie: Or there could be other women there.

Mia: I remember.

Charlie: All right, then... how about a quickie for old times' sake?

Mia [giggles]: Please. Charlie, I think you're a terrific guy. You're smart, and handsome, and talented...

Charlie: All good arguments for the quickie.

Mia: Charlie, The reason I came here is... I want your sperm.

Charlie: Alright, where do you want it?

Alan: So, so why did Mia come to you [for sperm]?

Charlie: Well, you know, her biological clock is ticking. Most of the guys she meets are ballet dancers, so, you know, slim pickings there. And she doesn't want to wait for Mr. Right to come along.

Alan: Which pretty much leaves you.

Charlie: Yep, I'm good genetic material, you know? Easy on the eyes, and she wants to raise the kid alone which fits nicely into my lifestyle.

Alan: Charlie, drinking, gambling and casual sex is not a lifestyle.

[Charlie is in a sperm bank donor room]

Alan: Well, I don't know if this will help, but sometimes when I was married, I used to pretend that I was having sex with a-- a completely different woman.

Charlie: Oh, thanks. The image of you bumping uglies with your ex-wife should really move things along!

That Pistol-Packin' Hermaphrodite [3.24]

Charlie: Did she [Rose] just use the front door?

Alan [staring in disbelief]: Uh-huh.

Charlie: She never used the front door before.

Alan [still staring in disbelief]: Uh-uh. What happened out there?

Charlie: Well, I, I, I told her I was going to marry Mia and I think I could actually see her medication stop working.

Alan: What do you think she's gonna do?

Charlie: The question isn't what, it's when, and how I'm gonna enjoy my honeymoon with my testicles glued to my ass crack.

Alan: I just found my old wedding folder, and guess what was in it.

Charlie: The claim check for your manhood?

Alan: As I was saying, it's all here, everything you could possibly need for your big day, from paper samples for your announcements, to selected verses of romantic poetry well suited for wedding vows.

Charlie: And you wonder why people think you're gay?

Mia: My dad called today; he wants to take your family out to dinner.

Charlie: Yeah, well tell him he can have one or the other, but not both!

Mia: Come on Charlie, they're gonna have to meet sooner or later.

Charlie: Ok, but why don't we wait for a real happy occasion?

Mia: What's happier than a wedding?

Charlie: Well, my mother's funeral springs to mind! There'll be music, dancing...my mom'll be in a box!

Berta: Well, looks who's here, the Bride of Drunkenstein.

Mia: Look. [Mia shows her engagement ring to Berta]

Berta: Wow, that's quite a rock. You know what we call babes with rings like that in my neighborhood? [shows her missing ring finger] Stumpy.

[Mia looks at Charlie]

Charlie: What are you looking at me for? Just stay out of her neighborhood!

Evelyn: Do you believe your future mother-in-law? Shows up at a four-star restaurant wearing a track suit with the word "juicy" stretched across her half-acre ass.

Charlie: I can read, Mom.

Jake: Can we go back? I forgot my doggie bag.

Charlie: We can never go back, Jake.

Alan: Oh, come on, it's not the end of the world.

Evelyn: Easy for you to say. You're not marrying into The Addams Family.

Charlie: Oh, like you were a prize. Slipping a prenuptial agreement into my fiancée's menu?

Evelyn: I am just trying to protect you from being wiped out by a vindictive ex-wife who will use your hard-earned money to finance a frivolous life of partying and shopping and unnecessary plastic surgery.

Charlie: Um, Mom...?

Evelyn: Every one of my surgeries was necessary! And if I had signed a prenup, you would never have gone to music camp, and Alan would have an overbite you could use to open a can of Pennzoil!

Kandi: I didn't know Mia's last name was Addams.

Jake: I didn't know her sister was a cop.

Evelyn: Was a cop. Now she's a dry drunk with a grudge and a .38.

Jake: Well I liked her.

Evelyn: Well, of course you would. You've got the same haircut as her.

Alan: [about Charlie's wedding night] Take my advice; tell her you love her, give her a big kiss, and try to fall asleep with your ass pointing towards an open window!

Charlie: You, sir, have the heart of a poet.

Alan: I am merely the voice of smelly experience.

Alan: What can I say? Marriage is a great ride... 'til you puke.

[Alan and Kandi are getting married, and Charlie and Mia have just broken up because Mia wants Alan and Jake to move out.]

Charlie: I don't freakin' believe it.

Alan: Cheer up, Charlie. You're finally getting what you always wanted. I'm moving out of your house!

Charlie: I don't freakin' believe it!

Season 4

Working for Caligula [4.1]

[Charlie is in bed with three women]

Alan: Listen, I-- I really need to talk to you. Can you come downstairs?

Charlie: Sure. Give me... an hour and a half.

Alan: An hour and a half?

Charlie: I know it's a little rushed, but we're on a tight schedule here! Tina's got homework, Cindy's got to meet her fiancé, and Marie... well, Marie's on the clock.

Alan: You already had two women in bed and you felt the need to call a professional?

Charlie: Better safe than sorry.

Jake: Even though Mom stopped loving you and Kandi stopped loving you, you don't have to worry about me.

Alan: Thanks, pal!

Jake: You're my dad. I pretty much gotta love you.

[Alan is lying on his bed looking sad]

Alan: I just want to be alone.

Charlie: Well you don't need me, it's your home run swing.

Alan: Just close the door on the way out.

Charlie: Fine I'll close it, then I'll nail it shut, plaster it over and hang over it a picture of something a little more cheerful, like a plane crash.

Charlie: All right, I didn't want to have to do this, but desperate times call for desperate measures.

[goes to the phone]

Berta: What are you gonna do?

Charlie: Something I hoped I'd never have to do.

Rose: You don't mean...

Charlie: I'm afraid so. [on the phone]: Hello? Mom?

[Cut to Alan lying in bed. There's a knock on the door. Alan looks up]

Alan: God, what plague have you set upon me now?

Evelyn: Alan? It's Mommy!

Alan: Good one.

Alan: Thanks for taking Jake back to Judith's.

Charlie: No problem. Sorry I had to send Mom in there.

Alan: No, no, you, uh... you did the right thing. I needed a good slap in the face. Although with Mom it's more like a nailgun to the testicles.

Who's Vod Kanockers [4.2]

Alan: [reads newspaper headline]: "Mudslide kills 600 religious pilgrims." And yet both my ex-wives live on.

Rose: Boy, you look like hell.

Charlie: Well, that's strange, 'cause I feel like crap.

Charlie: Let me tell you something about feelings. Feelings are like your mother's breasts. You know where they are, but they are best left unfelt.

Rose: It's an interesting analogy, but may I point out that a mother's breasts are a source for nourishment and comfort?

Charlie: Yeah, well, my mother's breasts were a source of silicone and Russian vodka.

Charlie: Yeah, well, I don't have to face anything I don't want to face, and I don't have to feel anything I don't want to feel, and that includes Mom's vodka knockers!

Jake: Who is this "Vod Kanockers" that you speak of?

Alan: Eat your dinner.

Jake: The name's Kanockers. Vod Kanockers.

Alan: Looks like you had a tough night.

Charlie: No, the night was great. It's the morning that's killing me!

Jake: If girls with big boobs work at Hooters, where do girls with only one leg work at? [pause] IHOP!

Steven Tyler: Hey, a lot of people pay to see me play harmonica.

Charlie: They pay to hear you sing. They tolerate the harmonica!

Steven Tyler: Sorry I don't measure up to your musical standards, you lame-ass jingle writer!

Charlie: All right, let's see how you play harmonica out your other end!

Alan: Now, now-now-now-now, let's slow down here, c'mon.

Steven Tyler: Let's see what you got, jingle balls!

Charlie: OK, I'm gonna rip off your big fat lips and use 'em to kiss my ass!

Alan: [driving Charlie home from the hospital after the punch up with Tyler] You know, the dude may look like a lady, but you fight like a little girl.

[a bandaged Charlie is making a needlepoint sampler]

Alan: "God bless Vicoden?"

Charlie: Pretty good, huh?

Alan: You spelled "Vicodin" wrong.

Charlie: That's the great thing about Vicodin. I don't care.

Charlie: OK, well, good luck with the tour!

Steven Tyler: Thanks a lot, man.

Charlie: Who's the sponsor, Metamucil?

Steven Tyler: What was that?

Charlie: Nothing, nothing.

The Sea is a Harsh Mistress [4.3]

Alan: You're going to hell, you know?

Charlie: I don't think so. I believe in a loving God who forgives little fibs as long as they lead to recreational sex.

Alan: You really wanna drag God into this?

Charlie: Who gave me the penis, Alan?

Alan: Since when do you have a wet suit?

Charlie: Since I moved to the beach and noticed that it was full of hot surfer chicks. [blows dust off his surfboard] If I lived next to Jellystone Park, I'd have a bear suit and a "pic-a-nic" basket.

Alan: How about this: When was the last time you called her [Evelyn] just to see how she was doing?

Charlie: Uh, whoo. What's today, Sunday? Then never.

Alan: Why don't you start with that?

Charlie: OK, fine. [takes his phone out of his pocket]

Alan: Remember her number?

Charlie: I've got it on speed dial. 666. Cute, huh?

Evelyn: Charlie was a planned baby.

Alan: What was I?

Evelyn: Well, dear, you were a pitcher of margaritas and a gas station condom.

[later]

Alan: Who buys condoms at a gas station?

[after Evelyn's plastic surgery]

Alan: What happened to your mouth?

Evelyn: I just had a little procedure.

Alan: What kind of procedure?

Charlie: They sucked some fat out of her ass and shot it into her lips.

Alan: What did they do, use the whole ass?

Jake: [To Evelyn after her plastic surgery] Dad says you got your butt in your lips. SO if you burp now it'll really be a fart right?

A Pot Smoking Monkey [4.4]

Alan [on the phone with Kandi]: Oh, well, then, maybe you can explain to me why I'm the one who feeds Chester, gives Chester tick baths, and cleans up when Chester piddles on the rug!

Charlie [to Jake]: When'd you change your name to Chester?

Charlie: Who knows more about girls than your Uncle Charlie?

Berta: Warren Beatty, Bill Clinton, Rosie O'Donnell...

Kandi: Are you sure it doesn't have anything to do with sex?

Kandi's lawyer: Positive.

Kandi: Huh, sure sounds like it. "Subpoenas."

Jake: What do I have to do for you?

Charlie: Just promise to be sad at my funeral.

Jake: Do I have to cry?

Charlie: No.

Jake: Will there be food?

Charlie: Yes.

Jake: Can I bring a date?

Charlie: You're just screwing with me now, right?

Jake: How does it feel?

Alan: Charlie, what did you do to him[Chester]?

Charlie: What did I do to him? I barely crapped my pants is what i did to him. What the hell is that?

Alan: This is Chester. Isn't he cute? [to Chester]: Yes, you are! Yes, you are!

Charlie: He's not staying here, Alan.

Alan: Well, with all due respect, that's what you said about me.

Charlie: It's because no kennel in town would take you! Now take him back to Kandi's.

Alan: I can't.

Charlie: Why not?

Alan: Well, it's kind complicated.

Charlie: Then simplify it.

Alan: Ok, then. Well... I stole him.

Charlie: Oh, Alan... I may think with my penis, but at least I think!

Charlie: No dogs in my house, especially not stolen ones that are large enough to make me their bitch.

Alan: In my entire life, Chester is the only living thing I ever slept with that didn't sue me for alimony.

Conversation between Jake and Charlie in the living room, while watching TV...

Jake: Hey!

Charlie: Oh, [...] finally up the phone.

Jake: Yeah.

Charlie: When do you get Wendy [...] the necklace?

Jake(depressed): I'm not.

Charlie(mocking): What happened? Checkin'out?

Jake(depressed): No.

Charlie(reproachful): I don't believe it! You [...] my ass alway down of the mall. I [...] up 40 [...] for the necklace and you checkin' out?

Jake(loud): She has dumped me old turd!

Charlie(suprised): Oh, you couldn't tell me that before I started being an old turd?

Jake(disappointed): I'm only twelve. I need a time machine.

Charlie: Dude, I am really sorry. What happened?

Jake: She decided she has a problem with mixed relationships.

Charlie(perplexed): What, chinese and [...]?

Jake: [...] and [...].

Charlie: Ooooooh!

Jake: Yeah well, I'm done with relationships. From now on I'm gonna be like you.

Charlie: Why would you wanna be like me?

Jake: 'Cause you never fall in love with anybody, so you never get hurt.

Charlie: Okay, listen to me. Being hurt sucks...but love is the most beautiful and noble of human emotions. It's what gives the man hope. What gives his live meaning. Don't turnin' back on love Jake. I did. And I reget it every day.

Jake(hopefully): Really?

Charlie: Might God strike me down if I'm lying. [Looks up and whispers: Thank you!] Alright, game's over! Let's go!

Jake: Where we going?

Charlie: [...] your dad out of jail.

Jake: [...]

Charlie: Sure, why not.

A Live Woman of Proven Fertility [4.5]

Charlie: Hey, after the kid goes back to his mother's, you want to go out to grab some dinner?

Alan: I can't go out to dinner, Charlie.

Charlie: "Why not? You got a date?" he said, knowing the answer but asking anyway, just to be polite.

Alan: "No, I don't have a date," he replied, all the while thinking, "Bite me, you booze-addled buffoon."

[Alan and Charlie find out that Judith is getting remarried]

Charlie: A-five, six, seven, eight...

Alan: [sings and dances] No more alimony! No more alimony! No more alimony! No more alimony!

Alan: Why did you run away?

Jake: Because I hate it there.

Alan: Is this about the upcoming nuptials?

Jake: It's nothing to do with puberty, Dad! It's about Mom getting married.

Alan: I-- I thought you liked Dr. Melnick.

Jake: That was when they were just dating. Now he thinks he can tell me what to do. He's not my father.

Alan: You don't do what I tell you to do!

Jake: Yeah, but Mom doesn't care about that.

Alan [to Jake]: All right, buddy, I'm gonna have to tell you something pretty heavy, but... I think it's something that you're old enough to understand. You can do better than me.

Charlie: Way better.

Charlie: Until he [Jake] was ten, I had him convinced that swizzle sticks were money!

Alan: Hey, hey, uh, uh, speaking of swizzle sticks, ha-- have you considered eloping to Vegas?

Herb: Hmmm. No, we haven't--

Alan: No, I know what you're thinking, "tacky-tacky," but... uh, it's classy and very romantic.

Charlie: Yeah, some of the hotel rooms have those big mirrored walls. It's like watching your ass bob up and down in IMAX.

Alan: Jake can have a little brother-- that would be a blessing for him, would it?

Herb: Oh, I don't know if I want more kids.

Alan: Then wear a condom. Besides, Jake's used to being an only child.

Charlie: If there was a new one, he'd probably eat it by mistake.

[Alan is trying to hang up on Judith]

Alan: Yeah, I-I-I... I think this phone is 'unning outta 'atteries. I 'aid, 'is 'one is 'unning outta 'atteries. 'ood-bye, 'udith. [hangs up] Think she bought it?

Charlie: If she did, she's 'upider than 'ou.

Apologies for the Frivolity [4.6]

Lydia: So sorry to hear about your troubles.

Alan: Troubles? What troubles?

Lydia: Oh, maybe I have it wrong. Charlie, didn't you tell me he was divorced, broke, and living on your couch?

Charlie [to Alan]: I don't know what she's talking about.

Charlie: And, uh, uh, this is my housekeeper, Berta. Berta, Lydia.

Berta: Choose your words carefully, slim.

Lydia: "Slim?" Why, thank you. I watch what I eat.

Berta: Going in or coming out?

Jake: Hey Dad, do you like Uncle Charlie's new girlfriend?

Alan: Well, I just met her the one time, so...no, not really.

Jake: You know what she reminds me of? The girls at school who think they rule the world, just cos they got their boobs!

Alan: Well, I hate to tell you buddy, but they kinda do!

Charlie: [about Jake] Puberty is going to hit him like a shovel!

Waiter: Good to have you back, Mr Harper. We haven't seen your mother here for quite some time.

Charlie: Maybe you just didn't recognise her. Like Satan, my mother can take many forms!

[A few moments later, after the waiter has been subjected to Lydia's sarcastic and abrasive manner]

Waiter: [in an undertone to Charlie] Many forms. I thought you were joking!

Charlie: All right, she [Lydia] might be a bit outspoken, but I happen to find that very attractive.

Jake: She must be dynamite in the sack.

Alan: Where do you get this stuff from?

Jake: Cinemax.

Charlie: Well, not that my sex life is any of your business--

Alan: It's not his business. It-- it's nobody's business. So, uh, what does she do for a living?

Jake: Besides being a stone-cold bee-yotch. [Charlie and Alan stare at him] HBO.

Evelyn: What do you do? I mean, besides my son.

Lydia: I'm in real estate.

Evelyn: How interesting, so am I.

Lydia: Oh, yes, Evelyn Harper! I recognize you from your bus bench ads. People all over town are sitting on your face.

Evelyn: Well, dear, maybe someday if you work hard, people will be sitting on your face too.

Evelyn: So Charlie, how long have you been seeing this... lovely woman?

Charlie: Er...how long has it been, sweetie?

Lydia: Are you telling me you don't remember when we met?

Evelyn: The way he drinks?! There's a good chance he doesn't remember coming down the stairs!

Lydia: Did his father drink?

Charlie: What choice did he have?!

Alan: Charlie, it's OK. You've been working out your maternal issues by having sex with other women your entire life. All you're doing now is cutting out the middle man.

Charlie: Oh, that is just sick!

Alan: My point exactly.

Repeated Blows to His Unformed Head [4.7]

Naomi: [She's pregnant] Hi.

Alan: Hi.

Naomi: Yeah... I'm not sure I have the right address.

Alan: No, you got the right address. Charlie, it's for you!

Charlie: Who is it?

Alan: Karma!

Charlie: What?

Alan: Your chickens have come home to roost.

Charlie: Chickens? Karma? Alan, what the hell are you talking...

[Charlie sees Naomi]

Charlie: Ohhhhhh. Charlie, it's for you!

Charlie: Hey... Great...to see you...again.

Naomi: Yeah, I don't think we've met.

Charlie: Really?

Naomi: Really.

Charlie: (Shoves Alan) Are you trying to give me a stroke?! Is that what you're trying to do?!

Berta: Charlie, Alan, I'd like you to meet my youngest daughter Naomi. The light of my life. A little angel who swooped down from Heaven and landed on a married man's penis.

Alan: When Judith was pregnant with Jake, I-- I don't know if it was hormones or pheromones, but... she just couldn't get enough of me. And ever since then, every time I see a pregnant woman I just... [lustful moan]

Charlie: OK, seriously, you got to stop that.

Alan: I am telling you, it was nine months of the hottest sex we've ever had, even with the morning sickness and hemorrhoids.

Charlie: Oh. Maybe that explains Jake's grades.

Alan: The morning sickness and hemorrhoids?

Charlie: No, the repeated blows to his unformed head.

Alan: You are-- are such an idiot. All the experts agree that sex during pregnancy is not harmful to the baby.

Charlie: Experts, schmexperts. Tonight when you're sleeping, I'm gonna come in and start poking you in the ear with a hot dog. See how you like it.

Charlie: Can we pull over for a minute?

Berta: In this neighborhood in a Mercedes? Sure, if you're partial to car theft and sodomy. Take a left right up here.

Charlie: That's not a road.

Berta: Well, not during rainy season.

[Charlie looks at the trash cans outside Ronald's shack]

Charlie: Lot of cold medicine. They must have allergies or something.

Berta: You don't watch 60 Minutes, do you?

[Berta knocks on the door. Ronald answers]

Ronald: What?

Berta: You Ronald?

Ronald: No.

Darlene [inside]: Ronald, who is it?

Ronald: Damn it, Darlene! We're incognito, remember? [to Charlie and Berta]: You cops?

Berta: Yeah. I'm Scully; this is Mulder.

Release the Dogs [4.8]

Cop: At least this clown didn't ask if I was Jewish.

Alan: I-- I'm sorry, I'm a little cranky. I-- I haven't slept in two days.

Jake: Why don't you take a pill?

Charlie: He doesn't believe in pills.

Jake: How can you not believe in them? They're on TV all the time!

Alan: Let me tell you something, Jake: Big pharmaceutical companies want you to think you can take a pill for everything. Can't sleep? Take a pill. Can't wake up? Take a pill. Feeling sad? Take a pill. Can't get it up? Take a pill.

Jake: Can't get what up?

Alan: He's [Jake] growing up, getting a life of his own. He'll be going off to college soon. I'll only see him on holidays, only hear from him when he needs money -- not that I'll have any, I'll still be paying alimony to two ex-wives! And college tuition? That just means selling an organ or turning tricks. And for what? So that he can get a worthless piece of paper that he can then fold into a hat to wear to the fast food job that he will probably get fired from for stealing fries from the customers' bags! [he leaves the kitchen]

Jake: I do like fries.

Alan: Oh, would you please just get your drunken ass out of bed and stop being a waste of skin for once in your life?!

Charlie: Well, since you said "please".

Dr. Freeman: You dozed off for 40 minutes, Alan.

Alan: You're gonna charge me for that?!

Dr. Freeman: I was awake.

Charlie: Why would I hit on Taylor's mom?

Jake: Well, she's kind of pretty, and you'll hit on anything with a pulse.

Charlie: Where'd you get that?

Jake: My mom.

Charlie: Oh. Well...

Jake: And my dad, Berta, Rose, Grandma...

Charlie: OK, OK!

Jake: ...the UPS man...

Charlie: All right!

Corey's Been Dead for an Hour [4.9]

[in line at the movie theater]

Alan: So, what do you want?

Jake: Nachos, Red Hots, Milk Duds, popcorn, and a slushy.

Charlie: What are you doing, building an ass bomb?

Nina: This is such a beautiful restaurant. They don't have anything like this back home.

Alan: Really? They-- they don't have nice restaurants in Idaho?

Nina: Oh, well, yeah, I mean we have a T.G.I. Friday's and an Applebee's. But you never see movie stars like we do here.

Vicki: Nina, they're just regular people.

Alan: And technically, I-- I wouldn't call Geraldo Rivera a movie star.

[in the men's room]

Alan: No matter how you shake and dance, the last few drops fall on your pants.

Charlie: Maybe you shouldn't wear khakis.

Charlie: I can't believe I missed out on a sure thing 'cause I was sitting on the can listening to you not take a crap!

Alan: You're actually blaming me 'cause I had to go to the bathroom.

Charlie: You didn't have to go to the bathroom! You were just trying to stick me with the check!

Alan: Oh, oh, I see, so you know my bowels better than I do!

Charlie: I will when I pull them out through your nostrils.

Alan: You don't understand. The money isn't for me.

Charlie: Really? Who's it for?

Alan: Old Alan.

Charlie: Old Alan?

Alan: Yeah, you know, the Alan of the future.

Charlie: You're kidding, they're still gonna have Alans in the future?

Alan: No, see, [sighs] the thing is, [sighs] I've been going through kind of a rough financial time since... well, high school. Anyway, it-- it occurred to me that I could wind up an old man with no one to take care of me. I mean, who will Old Alan be able to count on? Certainly not Jake, 'cause let's face it, his best hope of a steady income is if missing the toilet becomes a professional sport.

Charlie: [To Jake because he and Alan are going out] Don't burn the house down and if you do, don't be here when I get back.

Kissing Abraham Lincoln [4.10]

Alan: So you understand the situation?

Kandi: I think so. Now that we're not married anymore, you want to sell my condo.

Alan: No, no, it's-- it's our condo. I got it for us. Not the smartest thing I ever did, but my real estate advisor was my penis.

Kandi: Is that what they mean when they say the market's gone soft?

Charlie: We had fun last night, though, right?

Lydia [sarcastically]: Oh, terrific. What woman doesn't enjoy pleasing a man who falls asleep while he's in the middle of reciprocating?

Charlie: Well, that explains why I dreamt I was kissing Abe Lincoln.

[Lydia is in the shower]

Charlie: I couldn't help but notice that you, uh, put some of your stuff in one of my drawers.

Lydia: Yeah. Hey, you want to come in here and make up for last night?

Charlie: Yeah, but I think we should talk about this drawer thing.

Lydia: OK. [she opens the shower curtain to reveal her nude self to Charlie] Talk.

Charlie [undressing]: Four score and seven years ago, our fathers brought forth upon this continent a new nation...

Kandi: But I don't want to sell the condo. I can see boats from here.

Alan: I understand, but I can't afford the payments.

Kandi [assertively]: I like boats!

Charlie: [about doing laundry] OK, OK, I can do this. I just turn it on and stick 'em in.

Alan: It's a washing machine, not a cocktail waitress. Let's start by separating her delicates.

Charlie: How is that not like a cocktail waitress?

Alan: [trying to ignore Charlie] The reason you need to do these separately is they're mostly synthetic.

Charlie: Add a beat-up Civic and an ex-husband and we're back to cocktail waitress!

[while doing laundry]

Charlie: What will they think of next?

Alan: Yeah, I hear scientists are working on a machine that can cook two pieces of bread at the same time. Shh.

Charlie: Yeah, yeah, yeah, very funny. Now what?

Alan: We wait.

Charlie: How will we know when we're done?

Alan: Don't worry. The machine will call you on your cell phone.

Charlie: You know what? We need to work on our communication skills.

Alan: You know, I always thought that, but I didn't think you'd be open--

Charlie: [interrupting] No, no, no, you jackass! God, you play along like a monkey with a mandolin!

Charlie: Okay, she [Lydia] has some faults, but you have to admit she does have her benefits.

Berta: Yeah? Well I aint hitting any of them benefits so I don't care.

Walnuts and Demerol [4.11]

Berta: Hey, I'm mixing up the eggnog. You want this broad lit up or just slightly glowing?

Charlie: Well let's see. We're celebrating peace on earth and goood will towards all mankind. So let's get her plowed!!

Berta: Hallelujah!

Charlie: [singing] Glooohohohohohoooohohohohohooooohohohohoooooria! Tonight I'm boinking Gloria!

Charlie: [singing] Four call girls. Three French maids. Two drunk twins. And a lap dance in a pear tree!

Judith: Oh, eggnog.

Herb: Honey, we’ve got a long drive ahead of us. [turns to Alan] We’re spending the holidays in San Diego with my parents.

Judith: That’s why I need eggnog.

Herb: Hey, I spent Thanksgiving with your parents.

Alan: Oh really, your mom’s out of rehab?

Judith: Yes, my mom’s out of rehab.

Herb: Actually she kind of jumped the fence.

Alan: Well, the woman’s going to be your mother-in-law, you might as well get used to it. [turns to Judith] Remember the time she rode out of Betty Ford on a lawn mower?

[Judith glares at Alan]

Alan: On the plus side, she bakes Toll House cookies with walnuts and Demerol.

Herb: I’m a doctor!

Kandi: A real one, or like Alan?

Herb: I’m a pediatrician.

Kandi: Wow, so you’re into feet.

Herb: No, children.

Kandi: Isn’t that illegal?

Dorothy: Listen, Alan, I’m looking for my daughter.

Alan: Drunk blonde?

Dorothy: Well, she isn’t always blonde.

Charlie [to Gloria]: You... have absolutely no boundaries, do you?

Gloria: Well... I don't like fat guys.

Charlie: Interesting. Turns out... I draw the line at incest.

Gloria: So you'd do a fat guy?

[Rose and Berta are listening outside Charlie's room]

Rose: Did you hear that? Charlie found his boundary!

Berta: It's a miracle!

Rose: A Christmas miracle.

Castrating Sheep in Montana [4.12]

Charlie: You let some broad talk you into piercing your ear?

Alan: Actually, my ear wasn't her first choice to pierce.

Jake: What else can you pierce?

Alan and Charlie: Nothing.

Jake: Fine. Don't tell me. I'll Google it. [leaves]

Charlie: Don't worry. He can't spell "pierce".

Alan: He can't spell "Google".

Charlie: [referring to Alan's new piercing] You do know that's the gay ear?

Alan: What?

Charlie: Left ear says "I'm a hipster from the disco era." Right ear says "Let's disco!!"

Naomi: I wouldn't need a job if I joined the Army.

Berta: You can't join the Army.

Naomi: Why not?

Berta: Because you already are all you can be.

Alan: There you go. One hot chocolate for the lactating mommy.

Naomi: Thank you.

Alan: I see little Brittany Pam is having the grande boobaccino.

Naomi: Yeah, and she's biting the straw.

Evelyn: Excuse me, I'd like to say a few words before we fold up the dining room table and commence the square dancing. Alan, you are my son and I love you...but you and I are through.

Don't Worry, Speed Racer [4.13]

[Charlie & Berta are stirring things up with what Alan is talking about]

Alan: Come on guys, please give me a hand on this.

Berta & Charlie: Can't help ya.

Alan: Look, Jake, it, it, it-- it's not that you have to be particularly smart to have sex.

Berta and Charlie: Yeah, look at your dad!

[Alan is talking to Judith and Herb because Jake can hear them in bed.]

Judith: What did he say to you?

Alan: Well, uh, basically he's worried that when he grows up he won't be smart enough to have sex.

Judith: Why would he think that?

Alan: Because he hears you giving Herb instructions like he's a blind guy in a minefield.

Alan: [About what people like in sex] Say you like banana cream pie...

Jake: I do like banana cream pie.

Alan: Well, good. But say you like it but, you never told me you did so I always brought home another kind...

Jake: [Interrupting] I just told you I like it.

Berta: Well I should go if I don't wanna miss my bus.

Alan: Goodnight Berta.

Jake: Hey Dad, you know what more keeps on her night stand?

Berta: You know what, I'll take a cab.

Alan: What?

Jake: A bottle of whipped cream.

Alan: So?

Jake: So, either whipped cream has something to do with sex or mom hides pie in her dresser too.

Evelyn [to Hiroshi]: Uh, Charlie is my number one son.

Charlie: Yeah, but she treats me like number two.

Evelyn: Anyway, I have to string Mr. Goto along until I have something to show him that actually is for sale.

Charlie: Oh, I understand. It's called a bait and switch, and it's a felony.

Evelyn: Oh, well, look at you taking the moral high ground, and with nary a bottle or whore in sight. Bravo.

[Charlie tells Alan the story about how he saw his mother in bed with a man when Charlie was eight years old]

Charlie: Anyway, at some point they realized I was standing there, and the guy said to me, "Don't worry, Speed Racer. I'm not hurting your mom."

Alan: Speed Racer?

Charlie: Remember, I had the Speed Racer pajamas?

Alan: Oh, yeah! Yeah! Our Christmas pajamas! You got Speed Racer, and I got Laverne & Shirley. So typical, I'm--

Charlie: This is not about you, Alan! This is about a horrible moment in my life that I completely repressed: Mom and the man with a big red mustache. Oh, God. I just realized why Yosemite Sam always made me nauseous! [sighs] And I'll tell you the worst part...

Alan: Worse than Laverne & Shirley pajamas?

Charlie: Alan...

Alan: I am amazed I'm not a raging queen.

Charlie: We all are!

Alan: Hey, at least I didn't talk him [Jake] into putting crotchless panties on a Butterball turkey!

Charlie: Oh, right. Best Thanksgiving ever.

Alan: You told me it's how the Pilgrims got through the harsh winter.

Charlie: Oh God, it's all coming back.[Remembering the men he has seen his mother have sex with as a child] Uncle Joe, Uncle Steve, Uncle Jorje. Oh God...[looks terrified] Uncle Jorge. And I wasn't related to any one of them.

Rose: Wow.

Charlie: Yeah. Tell me about it. Not only was Aunt Wendy not my aunt, there was no snakebite on her boob!

That's Summer Sausage, Not Salami [4.14]

Charlie: Again, I'm sorry. Mea culpa. Now if you'll excuse me, mea going upstairs for a culpa hours.

Berta [removing groceries from the bag]: Salted butter... salted butter. Extra-large eggs... extra large eggs. Acidophilus milk... two-percent milk, you whiny pinhead.

Charlie: Morning.

Berta: Hey, how you feeling?

Charlie: Not too bad, really.

Berta: That was some fall you took.

Charlie: Yeah, if I hadn't been plastered, it might have killed me.

Berta: You think the liquor industry would promote that.

Charlie: It is a selling point. Right up there with making ugly people doable.

Danielle: You men are all alike. Isn't there anyone left who just wants to get married and raise a family?

Charlie: Yeah, but they're all gay.

Charlie: [About Alan's date with Danielle] Okay, on this date don't talk about your stupid hobbies or your depressing problems.

Alan: So what do we talk about?

Charlie: Her stupid hobbies! Her depressing problems! Okay. I'm gonna make up some reason I have can't go and then you can go on a date.

Alan: Charlie, I'm not sure...

Danielle: [Enters] Okay I'm ready to go.

Charlie: Oh darn...

Alan: What do you mean you have to go!... I mean what's wrong?

Charlie: I just remembered I have a lot of work to do at home.

Danielle: Should we reschedule?

Charlie: No, no, no. You guys should go ahead. I'm sure you'll have fun.

Alan: Alright. [Goes off] So Danielle, you have any hobbies or, problems?

Charlie: She just moved next door. She's gorgeous, divorced, and loaded!

Alan: Mm-hmm... What's wrong with her?

Charlie: Why does something have to be wrong with her?

Alan: Because there's only two reasons you ever set me up with a woman. Either you need somebody to keep the emotionally disturbed or cross-eyed or hermaphroditic best friend busy while you do the pretty girl, or... OK, I guess there's just one reason.

Charlie: There is nothing wrong with Danielle. Berta, is she or is she not gorgeous?

Berta: Hey, I'd do her.

Danielle [drunkenly]: Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. There is no need to fight over me! Alan, you're a sweet, gentle guy. Charlie, you're a pig, but I find you very attractive. There's only one reasonable solution: I'll have to do you both.

Charlie [to Alan]: No crossing swords.

Alan: Are you out of your mind? You're actually considering this?

Charlie: Yeah, you're right. I don't even like eating dinner next to you.

My Damn Stalker [4.15]

Rose: Do you know what an aqueduct is?

Jake: Uh... something to do with water.

Rose: And...?

Jake: A duck?

Berta: Name three contributions the Roman Empire made to civilization.

Charlie: Orgies, wine, and bulimia. Go ahead, ask me about the Greeks.

[Charlie is reading Alan's online dating profile]

Alan: Are you gonna let me explain or not?

Charlie: What's to explain? You have a Malibu beach house and you're the... "Chiropractor to the Stars".

Alan: Oh, OK, what do you want me to call myself? "Chiropractor to Fat People in the Valley"? Everybody exaggerates on these things.

Charlie: OK, I can understand that. You're probably not gonna get a lot of responses to "bushy-nosed cheapskate, enjoys long walks to a free meal."

Alan: Exactly.

Charlie: Leanne, tell me something. Is it just me, or is the crowd in here getting younger?

Leanne: No, the crowd's the same age it's always been. You, on the other hand, are not.

Charlie: I'm not old. Forty's the new thirty, right?

Leanne [chuckling]: Not the way you live, pal.

Charlie [runs out on the deck]: Rose? Climb up here! I want to talk to you!

Beverly: Are you sure you're the loser brother?

Alan: That's always been the consensus.

Alan: Charlie, that lovely lady in there brought her toothbrush 'cause I have a penis and a job!

Charlie: Rose! [to Alan]: How is she gonna brush your job?

Alan: No, no, you don't understand--

Charlie: I don't have time for this, Alan! [he walks back inside and heads toward the front door]

Beverly: Charlie, are you OK?

Charlie: Yeah, I just can't find my damn stalker. [leaves]

Beverly: He can't find his stalker?

Alan: They're usually in the last place you look.

[Rose is getting ready to leave]

Rose: Oh, I almost forgot. I thought you should have this. It's our first restraining order. Look how shaky your signature was. You were so spooked.

Young People Have Phlegm Too [4.16]

[Charlie has a Mexican-style mustache painted on him]

Alan: Jake, I said no!

Jake: I didn't do it!

Berta: He didn't.

[Charlie coughs, then sits down at the table]

Charlie: What are you staring at?

Jake: Nothing, señor.

[outside the nightclub]

Charlie: Listen, why don't you check your list for... Jackson. [shows a $20 bill] Andrew Jackson.

Bruno [takes the money]: Nope. Got Tito and La Toya.

Charlie: OK, what if I changed my name to... [takes out a $50 bill] Ulysses S. Grant?

Bruno: You can change your name to Condoleezza Rice. If you're not on the list and you're not a celebrity, you're not getting in.

Alan: What do you want from me? I-- I went out to the club, I went to the after-hours club, I went out to breakfast! I held my date's hair while she vomited pancakes in the parking lot!

Charlie: Well, if you weren't whining about wanting to go home, you'd be having sex with her right now.

Alan: Oh, darn. What man doesn't dream of kissing second-hand pancakes?

Alan: Oh, let's face it: we're both too old for the MTV lifestyle.

Charlie: MTV? Did they just defrost you?

Dr. Prajneep: What have you had to eat recently?

Charlie: Nothing much.

Alan: He had Belgian waffles, link sausages, two Red Bulls, a quart of Scotch, and the tongue of a twenty-four-year-old actress.

Charlie: He asked me what I ate.

Alan: And I told him.

Dr Pranjeep: [About Charlie's test results] It's fine, you are perfectly healthy 50 year old man.

Charlie: I'm only 40.

Dr Pranjeep: Tell that to your liver.

Alan: [Outside Charlie's hospital room] You doctors better help him fast! That's my brother in there! If he dies I'm homeless! [Enters Charlie's room] They're coming soon.

Charlie: [Who thinks he is going to die] Alan I need you to know something about my will. I left the house to you and Jake.

Alan: Yes!!.... You're going to live

Charlie: Yeah, just in case I don't, it has two mortgages and the land costs $50,000 a year.

Alan: So what you're saying is...

Charlie: It's a house of cards, Alan.

Alan: Uh huh. [Steps outside] Do you need to go to Canada to get some decent medical care! Alright you doctors, I didn't wanna have to play this card but I am Matthew Broderick!

Dr. Pranjeep: Oh Matthew Broderick, I loved you in Family Business! [Enters Charlie's room]]

I Merely Slept With a Commie [4.17]

Alan: You'll going to Mom's funeral, won't you?

Charlie: Of course! As the eldest son it's my obligation to pound in the stake.

Alan: Typical. Nothing for Alan to do.

Charlie: OK, you can cut off her head and hold it up for the villagers.

Jake: Yo, mad props on the sandwich, Dad. This PB & J is off the hook!

Alan: Excuse me?

Charlie: He's been watching MTV Cribs. The kid's a sponge.

Jake: For shizzle, my dizzle

Berta: Hey, M.C. Skidmark, here's something else you left in your pants.

Alan: What is it?

Jake: It's a birthday card, Mom's making me give it to Grandma. Whack! Right?

Berta: You said it Poop Dog.

Store clerk: Have you considered a nice perfume [for Evelyn]? Do you know her scent?

Alan: Uh, actually, I don't.

Charlie: I do.

Alan: You do?

Charlie: Yep. Do you carry Chanel No. 666?

Jake: So, do you have a PlayStation or an Xbox?

Changpu: I have a cello.

Jake: What do you play on that?

Changpu: Beethoven, Brahms, Bach, Shostakovich.

Jake: So... no Grand Theft Auto?

Jake: No offense, but "Smoke on the Water" does not begin with "Crap on the Water".

Changpu: My apologies.

Alan: I'm just saying, maybe they have something that we don't and that's why she wants them.

Charlie: Who wants two gay guys and a Chinese kid?

Jake: Yo man! This bling is off the hook!

Charlie: Hey Jake, you're a pasty, white kid, start acting like one!

Roger: Evelyn, we have a surprise for you. Changpu is going to play his cello.

Jake: What the heck?

Charlie: Shhh, Shampoo's about to play his cello.

It Never Rains in Hooterville [4.18]

Alan: Knock 'em dead at the audition.

Kandi: Thanks. And thanks for lending me your chiropractor coat. It makes me feel like a real doctor.

Charlie: Now you know why Alan wears it.

Charlie: Hey, what's your hurry? If she [Kandi] becomes a big TV star while you're still married, she'll have to pay you alimony!

Alan: Yeah. And if pigs start flying out of my rear end, we'll have free bacon for the rest of our lives!

Jake: I don't know that I'd eat that bacon.

Charlie: All right, look, it doesn't help to whine about it. If you wanna get lost in the woods with Jerky Gerkenheimer, go do it.

Alan: My life is just one big joke to you, isn't it?

Charlie: Actually, it's more of a limerick. There once was a moron named Al, who wanted to camp with his pal... Any chance you can go camping in Nantucket?

Alan: [About Jake growing up] Pretty soon there'll be no more playing catch or riding bikes. Do you realize I've never even taken him fishing, or camping, or hunting?

Charlie: Do you know how to fish, or camp, or, hunt?

Alan: No, I thought we would learn together.

Charlie: Oh that sounds good. You and knucklehead out in the woods, taking turns shooting each other in the ass.

Jake: Hey, Dad, when this is over, wanna play catch?

Alan: It's dark out.

Jake: Okay. [to Charlie] I tried.

[Jake has put pin-up girls all over his room, then puts on a pair of Harry Potter glasses.]

Jake: (Imitating Harry Potter) 'Ello ladies!

Smooth as a Ken Doll [4.19]

Charlie: What's the big deal? It's just an alimony check.

Alan: Not an alimony check. This is my final alimony check. Isn't it beautiful?

Charlie: Oh, right! Judith is getting married this weekend!

Alan: Exactly. And you know what that means?

Charlie: You can finally kick in a few bucks around here?

Alan: Good one. No. It means Alan gets new underwear.

[Alan rings the doorbell]

Judith: You wanna get the door, Herb?

Herb: Stop yelling at me!

Judith: I'm not yelling! THIS IS YELLING!

Alan: You know what? This really isn't that funny. [throws the oversized alimony check aside]

Herb [answering the door]: Oh, hi, Alan, Charlie.

Alan: Herb, is this a bad time?

Herb: The Spanish Inquisition was a "bad time". This is hell.

[Herb is taking the garbage out per Judith's orders while Judith is yelling at Charlie and Myra]

Judith: WHY IS NO ONE LISTENING TO ME??!!

Herb: (from outside) I'M DOING IT!!! LOOK!!!

Herb: [Repeated line] You're sugar-coating Hell, Alan.

Myra [to Alan]: So how does this work? Do you get your original testicles back or does my brother give you his?

Herb: Myra, the castration jokes are getting a little old.

Charlie: Not in my house.

Alan [to Judith on the phone]: I'll tell him [Charlie] to keep his hands off Myra. And then, I'll tell the rain not to fall, the earth not to spin, and you to STOP NAGGING ME! [hangs up] Oh, boy, I'm gonna pay for that.

Berta: You know what your problem is? Phone cojones.

Alan: Excuse me?

Berta: When you're on the phone with her, you got boulders between your legs. The minute you hang up, you're as smooth as a Ken doll.

Alan: You know, Charlie, there's a special section in Hell reserved for people like you.

Charlie: That's good, because I'd hate to have to stand on line.

Myra: [About why Judith doesn't like her] Maybe it's hair, maybe it's my job, maybe it's my hobbies or maybe it's because I offered my brother a thousand dollars not to marry her.

Charlie: I know what you mean. I did the same to my brother.

Myra: Really?

Charlie: Well, actually it was a thousand dollar hooker.

Aunt Myra Doesn't Pee a Lot [4.20]

[after Alan finds out that Myra was sleeping with Charlie]

Alan: OK, um, let me just start, uh, by saying I applaud the, uh, the gusto with which you approach life.

Charlie: Thank you.

Alan: Um, that being said, uh, are you, um, out of your FREAKIN' MIND?!

Charlie: Beg pardon?

Alan: You just could not control yourself; 'A female is in the house, she must be mounted!'

Charlie: No, it's not like that at all, and why do you even care?

Alan: Why?! You ask me why?! I will tell you why: because every time you rut with any woman even remotely connected to my life, I end up suffering!

Charlie: Oh, that's ridiculous!

Alan: Ridiculous, you say? Alright, alright let's look at the record. You slept with Judith's sister...

Charlie: Well yeah-

Alan: At my wedding reception! You had more sex on my wedding day that I did!

Charlie: That part's not my fault!

Alan: Ok, let's jump ahead. When Judith was divorcing me, who seduced and then abandoned my lawyer, causing her to take revenge on me?!

Charlie: Hold on, that chick was nuts!

Alan: I lost everything!

Charlie: To be fair, you didn't have that much to begin with!

Alan: And now that Judith is finally getting remarried, and I can see the light at the end of the alimony tunnel, you decide "Hey, why don't I start humping her new sister-in-law?"!

Charlie: That is not how it happened!

Alan: I don't care how it happened! I only care how it's gonna end, and it's gonna end badly for me!

Charlie: How?! Explain how!

Alan: I don't know yet! That's always part of the fun; trying to guess how your penis is going to bite me in the ass!

Jake: I don't understand why I can't have the blue tuxedo.

Alan: Because you're going to your mother's wedding, not hosting a game show on Telemundo.

Charlie: This relationship isn't based on sex!

Berta: Not based on sex? Well, unless she sweats Bourbon and farts $100 bills, what exactly is going to keep you together?

Berta: What's going on?

Jake: I had to sleep in Dad's room last night, 'cause Uncle Charlie invited Aunt Myra to stay in my room, but it turns out--

Berta: Got it.

Alan: OK, listen, we-- we haven't really, uh, talked about what all this means.

Jake: What what means?

Alan: All the big changes that are happening.

Jake: It's just a couple of hairs, Dad. It's not that big a deal.

[Alan and Herb's ex-fiancée are locked in the coatroom during Herb and Judith's wedding. Alan is trying to break out.]

Woman [loudly so the wedding can hear her]: Oh, Alan Harper, you animal! I can't believe Judith let you go! Oh, God, Alan Harper, oh, God! Oh, don't stop, Alan Harper! Please don't stop! Oh, Alan Harper, I feel like a woman again!

Alan [busting into the wedding]: I'm Alan Harper, and I'm not having sex!

[Alan is drinking in the dark]

Alan: How was the reception?

Charlie: Kind of a letdown after the ceremony. But you'll be happy to know your little outburst is already on YouTube.

Alan: Damn camera phones.

Tucked, Taped and Gorgeous [4.21]

Alan: You think I joined a support group to pick up women?

Charlie: No, I think you joined a support 'cause you're a whiny little wuss. But as long as you're there, you might as well nail a few.

Charlie: Berta, how long have you been working for me?

Berta: Define "working".

Alan: Your mom will be here any minute! I-- I thought I told you to get ready!

Jake: I'm ready.

Alan: Did you do your homework?

Jake: No.

Alan [scoffs]: Jake, I promised your mother you'd have it done!

Jake: Well, next time you'll know better!

Berta: I'm proud of you, Zippy. The world is a much happier place once you figure out whether you're the pin or the cushion.

Greg: Alan, you're not gay.

Alan: Are you sure?

Greg: Do you find me sexually attractive?

Alan: No.

Greg: Do you find any man sexually attractive?

Alan: No. Uh, well, oh, maybe George Clooney.

Mr. McGlue's Feedbag [4.22]

Charlie: [drunk] Ah, cars. Where would we be without cars? And how would we get there? (drops onion) Run, Run, You're Free!

Berta: Sometimes when people drink, they do things they wouldn't normally do. Me, I like to walk into a biker bar and take a swing at the biggest chick there.

[on their way to the track]

Jake: How much can I bet?

Charlie: How much did you bring?

Jake: I have to use my own money?

Charlie: Boy, you really are your father's son, aren't you?

Jake: OK... [looking in his wallet] I have fourteen dollars.

Charlie: That's not gonna get you very far.

Jake: Um... oh, and I have a fifty-dollar gift certificate to Pizza Hut. Wanna buy it?

Charlie: Sure, I'll give you twenty-five bucks.

Jake: But it's worth fifty.

Charlie: To who?

Jake: To Pizza Hut.

Charlie: Well, then let the good folks at Pizza Hut place a bet for you.

Alan: What a day. Just sitting and sitting and sitting.

Charlie: Huh.

Alan: It was like jury duty, without the fun of sending someone to jail.

Charlie: It's just money, Alan.

Alan: Well, I don't want him to think like that!

Charlie: Oh, much better he think like you? Squirreling away every dime he makes so he'll have it handy for alimony payments and phone sex?

Alan: For the last time, I misdialed!

Charlie: Yeah, every Wednesday night for twenty minutes.

Charlie: (still drunk; after Alan opens the door) Oh, hey Alan, come on in!

Alan: Why don't you come in here?

Charlie: Can't, I lost my key. (pause; then Charlie holds up his keys) DAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!

Anteaters. They're Just Crazy-lookin [4.23]

Jake: She [Chloe] brought soup.

Charlie: Why would she bring soup?

Alan: You told her you had a bug, so she assumed it was bronchial. If you'd been more specific like I suggested, you could have precluded this. Nobody just drops by when they think you have diarrhea.

Charlie: I'm not jealous!

Alan: Charlie, you want to fire this guy [Fernando] just because he's younger and better looking than you.

Jake: And he can sing.

Charlie: This has nothing to do with that, and I can sing too!

Jake: Yeah, but you stink.

Charlie: Alan, you know the difference between you and me?

[Charlie falls through the deck]

Alan: Yeah! I wouldn't fire the handyman before he finishes!

[Fernando comes out of Chloe's bedroom in his boxers.]

Charlie: About to sleep with my girlfriend?!

Fernando: OK [as in, "OK, that sounds better.] About to.

Prostitutes and Gelato [4.24]

Evelyn: Teddy lives in Denver but he does a lot of business in L.A., so I helped him find a little pied-à-terre in Century City.

Jake: What's a "pied-à-terre"?

Evelyn: It's French for "a place to play hanky-panky with Grandma".

Alan and Charlie: Mom!

Evelyn: Oh, relax, it's not gonna scar him.

Alan: Yeah, but what about us?

Charlie: Look, Alan, I have no interest in hanging out with Mom's boyfriend du jour.

Alan: Why not? He seems like a great guy.

Charlie: He might be the greatest guy in the world, but he'll end up like every other husband or boyfriend she's ever had. Either she'll dump him, he'll dump her, or he'll die under suspicious circumstances. No matter what, you're left standing on the curb with your fishing pole on the first day of summer vacation, waiting for a Chrysler LeBaron that never comes!

Teddy: Charlie, when you get to be my age, most of your friends are either married or dead.

Charlie: What's the difference?

Teddy: The dead ones smell up my plane.

Teddy: Unbelievable. An eighteen-second fight. Takes me longer to start peeing.

Evelyn: As I said, Teddy's fine, but there are some areas in which he just... doesn't measure up... to Hugo.

Alan and Charlie: Oh, Mom!

Evelyn: It's the biggest I've ever seen. Makes it worth eating dinner at 3:30.

Season 5

Large Birds, Spiders and Mom [5.1]

Charlie: Hey, Berta, how have you been washing my underwear?

Berta: Like I do everything else around here: with a song on my lips and love in my heart.

Charlie: I'm serious. I got a rash in my, you know, private area.

Berta: Private? You get any more traffic down there, you're gonna have to open a Starbucks.

[at the shoe store]

Alan: How do they feel?

Jake: OK, but they're ugly. They look like old people shoes.

Alan: They're not old people shoes. They're walking shoes.

Charlie: Right, for people who've been walking over eighty-five years.

Alan: I hope he [Jake] didn't wander under the bleachers during lunch hour.

Charlie: Ah, he's smarter than that.

Alan: Smart? Charlie, he only got out of sixth grade 'cause he couldn't fit in the desks anymore.

Alan: And-And what about you?

Charlie: What about me?

Alan: You're afraid of everything.

Charlie: Like what?

Alan: Well, let's see. Germs, change, commitment, opening your eyes under water, angry husbands, angry ex-girlfriends, large birds, spiders, and mom.

Charlie: Hold on. Hold on a sec. I am not afraid to open my eyes under water. I'm just sensitive to chlorine. And for the record, it's just when birds get indoors. In the sky, I got no problem.

Alan: Fine, fine. Live in denial. I'm gonna try and straighten my kid out.

Charlie: And what sane person is not afraid of spiders?

Alan: Remember, Jake, courage is not the absence of fear, it's taking action despite fear.

Indian doctor: We have a saying in my country. "You can put a tuxedo on a goat, but still a goat. "

Charlie: Yeah, well, we have a saying in my country, too: "Help me, my balls are on fire!"

Media Room Slash Dungeon [5.2]

Alan: Well, I-- I'd love to help you out, Mom, but, uh, I have a date tonight.

Evelyn: So now it's inflatable sex doll night at Dodger Stadium?

Alan: No, no, I really have a date. And-- and the doll was a gag gift from one of my patients.

Evelyn: Charlie, what about you?

Charlie: I tried it once, but I prefer a real woman.

Alan: Now, I have been to a lot of these things with Mom, and I know you think it's gonna be bad, but believe me, it's gonna be worse than you can even imagine.

Charlie: You're really enjoying this, aren't you? You just love seeing me unhappy.

Alan: Yeah. I mean, did you feel sorry for me when I had to wear that cowboy outfit to her celebrity AIDS hoedown?

Charlie: That was different.

Alan: How?

Charlie: It was you.

Alan: Yeah, well, now it's you. Yippee-ki-yay, mother-accompanier.

Charlie: She [Evelyn] can be a cranky drunk.

Alan: Cranky? I got bitch-slapped with my own ten-gallon hat.

Charlie: Where the hell should I go?

Margaret: Out the window.

Charlie: Are you crazy? I'm not going out the window.

Margaret: He's an ex-Marine.

Charlie: I'm going out the window.

Alan: Sharon, I have been rejected by... thirty-two different women in my life. And you know what? It's never been me.

Sharon: OK, it's you. Feel better?

Alan: Actually, no.

Sharon: You're a very nice guy...

Alan: No, no, that's even worse! You know what they say about nice guys?

Sharon: Yes, they finish last.

Alan: No, they finish in the shower.

Alan: Hey, Berta? You're a woman.

Berta: Where are we going with this, Zippy?

Alan: I was just wondering, uh, what does it mean when someone starts crying uncontrollably after sex?

Berta: Well, in my experience, it usually means the conjugal visit's over.

Dum Diddy Dum Diddy Doo [5.3]

Charlie: Hey, if you two [birds] don't have any other plans, why don't you fly over to the Hollywood Bowl and take a crap on my brother?

Charlie: A blind date? Forget it, Charlie Harper does not go on blind dates.

Alan: He doesn't?

Charlie: No, he doesn't.

Alan: Can't we ask him?

Charlie: Don't bother. I know what he'll say.

Alan: OK, but does he have to say it in the third person?

Alan: I can't believe it. You're nervous about a date.

Charlie: Of course I'm nervous! What am I gonna talk to her about? I haven't gone out with a forty-year-old woman since high school!

Alan: Well, Charlie, that's the great thing about seeing someone your own age. There's always something to talk about because what you've been through, she's been through.

Charlie: Oh, I hardly think so.

Alan: All right, point taken. But she's a fascinating woman. She's a municipal court judge, she teaches law at UCLA...

Charlie: Aw, man, you didn't tell me that!

Alan: Does that make a difference?

Charlie: It makes a big difference! The smarter the girl, the harder it is to blow smoke up her ass!

Alan: Oh, come on, Charlie, so you struck out with a woman. It happens. Believe me, it happens! And when it does, the best thing to do is to pick yourself up, dust yourself off, and curse God for making you the way you are.

Charlie: All right, forget it, I don't need you. I'll call her [Linda] myself. [leaves]

Alan [to God]: Sorry about the "curse God" stuff. But we both know I'm not your best work.

Charlie [leaving Linda a voicemail message]: I figure three's a charm, four is a restraining order.

Berta: Where are you going?

Charlie: I don't know. Someplace where the bottles are full and the women are empty.

Berta [sings]: And the skies are not cloudy all day.

City of Great Racks [5.4]

Linda: Thank you for a lovely dinner.

Charlie: You're welcome. [they kiss]

Linda: Good night.

Charlie: Wait, wait, wait. Are you sure you don't want me to tuck you in?

Linda: I don't need to be tucked in, Charlie.

Charlie: Oh, come on, everybody needs a good tucking once in a while.

Linda: Well, then, go tuck yourself.

Charlie: I guess I'll have to.

Jake: Hot girl at twelve o'clock.

Charlie: Where?

Jake: Over there.

Alan: That would be nine o'clock.

Jake: No, it's twelve. Actually, it's 12:05. Twelve-ish.

Charlie: You want to straighten him out, or should I?

Alan: Go ahead, take a swing.

Charlie: OK, the reason guys say "Hot girl at", like, "twelve o'clock" or "three o'clock" is to specify a location using the clock face as kind of a map.

Jake: What if you have a digital watch?

Charlie: First of all, you're not gonna meet any women if you're wearing a digital watch.

Jake: Why is he [Charlie] dating a judge? Is he trying to get out of something?

Alan: No, more like he's trying to get into something.

Jake: Good one.

Alan: You understood that?

Jake: Not really. That's how I knew it was good.

[Alan is naked besides a towel around his waist, and two clippers on his nipples]

Alan: Charlie?

Charlie: What?

Alan: I need your help.

Charlie: If you're doing the laundry, all I can say is you're doing it wrong.

Alan: No, no, the, uh, the lady I've been seeing, you know, uh, Linda's friend, Donna? Uh, she wants to, how shall we say, take it up a notch.

Charlie: Yeah, so?

Alan: I'm out of notches.

Charlie: Fine, what do you need?

Alan: A younger man's penis.

Rose look-alike #3: [knocks on the door]

Charlie: Oh, for God's sake. Who is it?

Rose look-alike #3: Room service, señor.

Charlie: We didn't order anything.

Rose look-alike #3: Uh, champagne, compliments of the hotel.

Charlie: Can you slip it under the door?

Putting Swim Fins on a Cat [5.5]

Charlie: Everyone's using old rock songs now. They're not gonna hire a guy like me to write a jingle for tampons when they can just play "Stuck in the Middle With You".

Berta: One thing's for sure working for Mr. Charles Roscoe Harper--

Alan: His middle name isn't Roscoe--

Berta: Who's telling the story?!

Alan: Continue.

Berta: Anyway, what I've learned is God takes care of drunks and fools, and C. Roscoe Harper is both. [leaves]

Alan: His middle name is Francis.

Alan: You're-- you're living in a dream world! Money doesn't just fall from the sky.

Charlie: Obviously, you've never been sitting ringside when a pole dancer hangs upside down.

Jake: Hey, Dad, did you get a present when you got divorced?

Alan [rings Judith's doorbell]: A present?

Jake: Yeah, a memento of your time together.

Alan: Jake, buddy, you're the memento of our time together.

Jake: So you were too cheap to get her earrings.

Alan: She did better than earrings. She got my family jewels.

Help Daddy Find His Toenail [5.6]

Berta: Who's he [Alan] listening to?

Jake: Bucket of Hate.

Berta: They're good. Reminds me of early Who.

Jake: Who?

Berta: Yeah.

Jake: What?

Berta: Band called "Who".

Jake: Bucket of Hate.

[Charlie and Jake have snuck in through Jake's window and Alan has found them.]

Alan: [to Jake] Do you have any idea how much trouble you're in?

Charlie: I do not. Do you have any idea how beautiful you look in that light?

Alan: I'm not talking to you.

Charlie: Yeah, well, I'm not talking to you either, except for right now, this is me talking to you, but, no longer. [makes pop sound]

Alan: Would you please just... go to sleep?

Charlie: Okey-dokey. [grabs pillow and goes out of view]

Alan [to Jake]: You and I have some talking to do.

Charlie: Will you make up your freaking mind?

[Charlie is hungover and still lying in bed.]

Alan: Charlie, wake up. You need to see this.

Charlie: Can I throw up in it?

Alan: No.

Charlie: Then I don't need to see it.

[Jake tries to sneak out of his bedroom window at Judith's house]

Jake: Where are we going?

Alan: You're going back to your room. And I'm going back to the sweet land of vindication.

Charlie: I came to apologize. I am sorry about last night.

Linda: You're sorry? For ruining one of the most important nights of my career? For embarrassing me within an inch of my life?

Charlie: Ooh, yeah! I mean, unless I did something else.

Linda: No, you did quite enough, thank you.

Charlie: Look, I understand why you're mad, but it really wasn't my fault. I was nervous about last night so my mother gave me what I assumed was one of her tranquilizers. But now I'm thinking it was a little something she had left over from Woodstock.

The Leather Gear is in the Guest Room [5.7]

Alan: Look, don't worry, you'll grow into it.

Jake: Why couldn't I get clothes that fit now?

Alan: Yeah, well, quit going through puberty and we'll talk about it.

Jake: Quit bein' so cheap and we'll talk about it! [leaves]

Alan: Hey, hey, watch your mouth!

Charlie: Hard to punish him for telling the truth.

Alan: So I can't even have one stupid thing in this house?

Charlie: Hey, leave Jake out of this.

Charlie: What I'm saying is, you got nothing to complain about. You got your food in my refrigerator, your car in my garage, and your stupid flowered towels in my guest bathroom!

Alan: Hey, those towels are very pretty! They brighten up the whole room!

Charlie: They're gay, and they scream "civil union"!

Alan: They do not!

Charlie: "We're here, we're queer, dry your hands on us!"

Charlie: I thought I made it perfectly clear: I don't want this stupid bowl in my living room.

Alan: No, you said you didn't want it on the front table for keys, so I put it on the coffee table for candy.

Charlie: Well, now it's on your head for a hat.

[puts the bowl on Alan's head]

Alan: Before we got here, this was just a big empty space where you just sat around, got drunk, and had casual sex with women you don't even care about.

Charlie: There's a word for that, Alan: "Utopia"!

[Alan and Jake move in with Evelyn after Charlie kicks them out]

Teddy: Oh, great. Now we have to put on clothes for breakfast.

Evelyn: That's the least of our problems. All our leather gear is in the guest room.

Is There a Mrs. Waffles? [5.8]

Charlie [singing on TV]: He's a little boy, he is not a toy, don't shake-shake-shaaaake the baby!

Alan: When did you become the king of kids' songs?

Charlie: When did you become the Federal Trade Commission?

Charlie [singing]: I drink from a sippy cup, sippy cup, sippy cup

I drink from a sippy cup 'cause I'm a big kid now

Bye-bye boobies, bye-bye boobies

bye-bye boobies 'cause I'm a big kid now!

TV commercial: Call now and you'll also receive a bonus Charlie Waffles scratch and sniff poster! It smells just like maple syrup!

Alan: What? They couldn't make it smell like bourbon?

Charlie: Who loves kids?

Kids: Charlie Waffles!

Charlie: Right!

[Charlie turns off the TV]

Charlie: That's it, what do you think?

Alan [after staring in disbelief]: I'm going back to bed.

Charlie [to Jake]: What about you?

Jake: You couldn't have TiVo'd this?

Charlie: Hey, Charlie Waffles may love kids, but he's getting pretty sick of you!

Charlie: Hey, Alan, I figured out what went wrong in seventh grade!

Alan: What?

Charlie: I hadn't started drinking yet! [walks in drunk]

Alan: Charlie, you have to get out there.

Charlie: Right, the little bastards await.

Alan [to Artie]: You can't sue him if he just stinks, right?

Charlie: [plays a little bit then burps as kids laugh] That one's not on the CD! Let's do this again!

Alan: They love him! How can they love him?

Artie: Who cares? We're gonna make a fortune!

Alan: Doesn't it bother you that he's loaded?

Artie: He's a musician. It'd bother me if he wasn't.

Tight's Good [5.9]

Teddy: To Evelyn.

Everyone: Hear, hear.

Charlie: That poor clueless bastard.

Alan We're gonna stay, congratulate the happy couple, mingle a bit, and then I'm gonna fake a migraine.

Charlie: You can do that?

Alan: Oh, yeah! I spent twelve years watching my wife fake migraines and orgasms.

Alan: What kind of man would hit on his future step-sister?

Berta: You're just making it hotter for him.

Charlie: But I restrained myself. I walked away, and now I can still look Teddy in the eye.

Alan: That's... that's great, but how come you have no problem looking me in the eye after sleeping with my wife's sister, my son's teacher, my divorce lawyer, and my old receptionist?

Charlie: I like Teddy. And the receptionist was your fault.

Alan: How?

Charlie: If you'd paid her a decent salary, she wouldn't have had to hook.

Charlie: How could you take the fall for me?

Alan: I don't know, but it always seem works out that when you get laid, I get screwed!

Kinda Like Necrophilia [5.10]

Gabrielle: So, you are a "seek-list"?

Alan: A what?

Gabrielle: A "seek-list"? You know, with your "bee-seek-el"?

Alan: Oh, yes. Yes, yes, I'm very passionate about, uh... "bee-seek-ling". I, I-- I even have a stationary "see-kel".

Gabrielle: Ah. [giggles]

Alan: I-- I also jog, and, uh, ab crunch, and of course, "Les... Buns of Steel".

Charlie: Nice, huh?

Alan: Nice? She's magnificent!

Charlie: You should see her naked.

Alan: Can I?

Charlie: Well, I could show you pictures, but you may not wanna see that much of me.

Alan: Just out of curiosity, where do you find women like that? And-- and more importantly, how do you get them to go to bed with you?

Charlie: You really wanna know?

Alan: Yeah, what-- what's your secret?

Charlie: Well, see Alan, it's like this. I got a knack.

Alan: [moment of silence] That's not a secret.

Charlie: I didn't think so, but you asked.

Alan: So that's it, you got a knack?

Charlie: Hey, everybody's good at something. You, for instance... [stares at Alan] have no shame.

Alan: Excuse me, this is what they wear in the Tour de France.

Charlie: Alan, I just took a Tour de France, and the only thing I was wearing was a smile and a condom.

Alan: So, uh, how was school this week?

Jake: OK.

Alan: Anything noteworthy happen?

Jake: No.

Charlie: I thought you said he got dumped!

Alan: I was easing into it.

Charlie: Oh, good idea. Go ahead.

Alan: Jake, sooner or later every guy gets dumped.

Charlie: Some guys get dumped sooner and later, right, Alan? [Alan stares at him] Sorry, I should have eased into that.

Alan: I don't care. I got her [his high school girlfriend] number off the Internet and I'm calling her.

Charlie: When are they gonna invent a phone with a breathalyzer lock?

Judith: Hey, honey, how's it going?

Jake: Great. Uncle Charlie's a genius!

Judith: Good, good. [to Alan] You said you talked to him.

Alan: I did.

Judith: Then why is Uncle Charlie a genius?

Alan: 'Cause he never got married. [slams door in Judith's face] Oh, that's gonna come back to bite me in the ass. [he hears a knock on the door] And here it comes, jaws-a-snappin'. All right, I'm sorry! [he opens the door, but Gabrielle is there instead]

Gabrielle: Why are you sorry?

Alan: I just find it's easier that way.

Charlie: Hey.

Alan: Hey.

Charlie: How'd it go with Gabrielle?

Alan: I think you know how it went.

Charlie: Yeah, I do. It's kinda like necrophilia, isn't it?

Alan: I didn't go through with it.

Charlie: Really?

Alan: Guess we're different that way. (pause) So... I didn't really steal her from you, did I?

Charlie: Nope.

Alan: You were trying to get rid of her the whole time, weren't you?

Charlie: Yep. But I didn't want to hurt her feelings. Thanks for helping me out with that.

Alan: Well, at least now we're even, right?

Charlie: Not quite.

Alan: What do you mean?

Charity: (appears) Charlie. Are you coming back to bed?

Alan: Charity? Charity Kirschenbaum?

Charity: Oh, hi, Alan. Long time no see.

Alan: Yeah. 20 years.

Charlie: She looks great, doesn't she? Come on, baby.

Alan: But, but, but...

Charlie: Now we're even. (leaves with Charity; Alan gets enraged to the point where he says...)

Alan: [yelling from distance] I... HATE... YOOOOOOOOUUUU!

Meander to Your Dander [5.11]

(Alan and Donna just had sex)

Donna: Wow, that was just lovely.

Alan: I do aim to please.

Donna: And after last time, I appreciate the aiming. (looks at watch) Hey, we made good time. I can let the babysitter go early.

Alan: The key is efficient foreplay. Minimal attention to each breast before i (pause) Meander to your Dander. Spoon?

Donna: Sure.

(Alan and Donna spoon and sigh)

Alan: And switch. (Alan and Donna spoon to the other side and sigh again)

[Charlie is watching a boxing match with Jake, who is unimpressed]

Jake: Boxing sucks.

Charlie : As always, you're entitled to your stupid opinion.

Jake: Why are you making it personal? I didn't make it personal. In ultimate fighting, they kick, they elbow, they get a guy down and smash his head on the floor. These guys just dance around and barely hit each other.

Charlie: OK, OK, listen to me. Boxing is a science. Boxers don't just wail on each other. They strategize, feel each other out, wait for an opening.

Jake: Gay. What's with the little pillows on their hands? Even if they hit each other,it wouldn't hurt. (Charlie hits Jake in the arm with a pillow) Ow!

Charlie: Oh, does that hurt?

Jake: Yeah.

Charlie: Good. (Alan appears)

Alan: Hey, what are you doing?

Jake: Uncle Charlie hit me.

Charlie: Good. Where have you been?

Alan: I'll... I'll tell you later.

Jake: Tell him now. I got better things to do. (leaves)

Charlie: You promised he'd grow on me.

Alan: I lied.

Charlie: So, how was you and Donna?

Alan: It was okay. It may not have been crazy-hot monkey sex like when we first started dating, but it was very much in the general category of, uh, jungle humping.

Charlie: Jungle humping?

Alan: Yes. Maybe not, you know, tree swinging, but certainly canoodling on some low-hanging branches.

Charlie: You poor bastard.

Alan: Don't you dare feel sorry for me! This is what an adult relationship looks like, Charlie. People get comfortable with each other and they develop a routine. And if it's not always fireworks and explosions, well, that's a reasonable trade for a warm, collegial partnership.

Charlie: You poor, poor bastard.

Alan: This conversation is over. (storms off)

Charlie: If only.

Alan: (reappears) Okay, it's boring! It's suffocating! It's a deathwatch! But what choice do I have, Charlie? Pretend I'm you? I'm not you.

Charlie: I'm a monogamous, settle-down kind of guy who hangs on to a relationship until I'm looking at divorce papers or the pointy end of a steak knife.

Alan: Oh, that's a load of crap.

Charlie: You're just afraid if you let go of one of these broads, you're never going to get laid again.

Alan: Didn't I just say that?!

Charlie: I once handed a date my Visa so she could pump gas for me, and in my next statement, there were charges for a boob job and a PlayStation 3. And I never got to play with either one of them.

Charlie: You clear on everything I told you?

Alan: Yes, yes, I'm gonna go to her house, pick her up, take her to the restaurant--

Charlie: Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa! Pick her up? You're supposed to meet her there.

Alan: Why?

Charlie: What do you mean, "why"? You're gonna break up with her and then drive her home? You'll need the Jaws of Life to get her out of your car.

Alan: You didn't say anything about that.

Charlie: It's common sense. You know why Custer and Sitting Bull didn't share a pony to Little Big Horn? Because they knew there were gonna be some hurt feelings and the ride home would be awkward!

Charlie: How can a kid with such lousy taste in pizza and movies have such good taste in girls?

Jake: She is kind of cute.

Charlie: Why don't you go talk to her?

Jake: I don't know what to say.

Charlie: That's never stopped you from running your mouth before!

Charlie [after getting pepper-sprayed by a woman at the pizza restaurant]: It's worse than the potpourri!

A Little Clammy and None Too Fresh [5.12]

Jake: You really want to do something with me?

Alan: Yes!

Jake: How about if you drive me to the mall so I can see a movie with my friends and you pick me up when we're done?

Alan: And... what am I supposed to do all that time?

Jake: Well, if I were you, I'd go to Les Girls Girls Girls.

[Charlie walks into the kitchen]

Charlie: Who's going to Les Girls Girls Girls?

Alan: Nobody.

Charlie: Too bad. Daytime's better. Dancers are a little worse for wear but they try harder.

[Charlie is on the couch, sick]

Charlie: Hello? Anybody here? Anybody gonna take care of good old Charlie? OK, then. [picks up the phone] Time to scrape the bottom of the barrel. [on the phone]: Mommy, I don't feel good!

Evelyn: Charles, don't tell me you've got a case of the Bangkok Drippy-Drip. [to her pedicurist]: No offense.

Charlie: No, it's either a cold or a flu

Evelyn: And this concerns me how?

Charlie: I thought you could make me some soup or put a cold wet cloth on my head.

Evelyn: Oh darling, I'd love to, but, unfortunately, Mommy's sick too

[Evelyn holds her phone up to the pedicurist, who is coughing violently due the the nail polish}

Charlie: That does sound bad.

Evelyn: Oh, it is.

Pedicurist: [In Thai, subtitled] I hate painting the hooves of this white she-bitch.

Charlie: What was that?

Evelyn: Oh, just my delerious fever babble. Bye dear.

[hangs up]

Rose: What are you doing?

Charlie: Nighttime cold medicine and Scotch. I call it the "Drunken Hulk".

Rose: The truth is, I just love feeding him, cleaning him, changing him...

Alan: You're changing him?

Berta: You're cleaning him?

Jake: You know, if you stop feeding him, you won't have to change him.

Rose: I don't mind. I'm a loving nurturer.

Jake: Uncle Charlie says you're a crazy stalker.

Rose: Potato, pot-ah-to.

The Soil is Moist [5.13]

Cynthia: Hi, Jake! Look how big you're getting!

Jake: It's called "puberty".

Charlie: It's called "doughnuts".

Jake: Doughnuts don't make hair.

[Herb is gardening]

Charlie: How do you feel about bushes, Herb?

Herb: Well... I like a full bush. The way God intended.

Charlie: I like 'em trimmed.

Alan: Judith said Cynthia wouldn't go out with me, and she was wrong, so, [high-pitched]: ha!

Charlie: Hey, I told you she would go out with you.

Alan: And you were right, sir! I ignore you at my own peril when it comes to women, liquor, and venereal disease.

Charlie: Huh. So you're saying Farmer Herb's tilling soil you couldn't even get your hoe into.

Alan: M-- My hoe?

Charlie: Yeah, you know with an "e"? "Hoe"?

Alan: What's his [Herb's] secret? How does he do it?

Berta: Maybe he's got a big trouser monkey.

Alan: Have you been listening this whole time?

Berta: Wouldn't you?

Alan: You think she's right? You-- you think he's just... well-endowed?

Charlie: Could be. He's about six-four, got big hands... if everything else is proportional, I'm guessing he could ring doorbells with that thing.

Alan: You're not helping.

Charlie: I rarely do.

Winky-Dink Time [5.14]

Charlie: How much you looking to spend?

Alan: Uh, well, as you know, I am a bit of a bargain hunter.

Charlie: Yeah, but unfortunately, they don't stock hookers at the 99-cent store.

Alan: Did you make the call?

Charlie: Here. Her name's Alexis. She's expecting to hear from you.

Alan: Ooh, Alexis... that-- that's a pretty name.

Charlie: They all have pretty names, Alan. You'll never meet a hooker named "Maude".

Jake: You and me are having dinner with them [Milly and her mother] on Friday, so you can catch up.

Charlie: You and me.

Jake: Just don't clock block me, OK?

Charlie: "Clock block" you?

Jake: That's not it?

Charlie: No, that's not it.

Rose: You're waiting for a prostitute?

Alan: No.

Rose: Oh, Alan, that's not like you.

Alan: Yeah, well, when you've had your heart broken enough times and you can't even bear the thought of having an emotional connection with another human being, what else is there to do?

Rose: A lot of people masturbate, I hear. Really, I've heard them.

Alan: Nevertheless, sometimes a man needs to feel something other than his own touch.

Rose: Have you tried switching hands? It's like being with a clumsy stranger.

Jake: So, Milly, do you play dodgeball?

Milly: No.

Jake: I enjoy it quite a bit, 'cause it's just man against man, but with big red balls.

Charlie: Ix-nay on the alls-bay.

Jake: What?

Charlie: Just don't say "balls".

Jake: I think competitive eating really changed when that Japanese guy started wetting the hot dog buns. I actually figured out that trick myself... by accident.

Waiter: Can I bring you anything else?

Charlie: Yeah, get me a bottle of Scotch, a taxi, and a smarter kid.

Rough Night in Hump Junction (aka His Ugly Bundle) [5.15]

Alan: Ha-have you ever seen him [Charlie] act this way before?

Berta: Well, when Viagra first came out, I thought he was gonna die. You know how they say if your erection lasts more than four hours, you should call your doctor? He'd just call another girl.

Alan: Oh, Charlie, don't you think you need to slow down a bit?

Charlie: Why would I want to do that?

Alan: Well, come on! Is-- is this lifestyle actually making you happy?

Charlie: Let me answer that question with another question: Who would you rather be, you or me?

Alan: You're kidding, right? You have two black eyes and you're perched on a scrotum cozy. [reluctantly]: You.

Alan: Charlie, don't you see what's happening to you?

Charlie: Nothing's happening, except that I offered to buy a policewoman a $500 martini!

Alan: Well, then, I guess there's no point in my talking to you anymore.

Charlie: All right. Then something good came of this.

Alan: You're gonna get married?

Charlie: Yep. Settle down, have a couple of kids, and ship the penis up to Cooperstown.

Alan: Cooperstown?

Charlie: It is my bat.

Alan: Well, sounds like you've got everything figured out.

Charlie: You don't ever figure this stuff out, Alan. You just take little baby steps on a lifelong path to becoming a better man.

Alan: Uh-huh. How many pain pills have you taken?

Look At Me, Mommy, I'm Pretty [5.16]

Evelyn: Courtney and your brother are helping me with the wedding arrangements.

Charlie: It's your fifth wedding, Mom. What do you need help with, besides remembering the groom's name?

Evelyn: You know, I'd cut him out of the will if I thought there was a chance he'd outlive me.

Jake: When you marry my grandma, what does that make you to me?

Teddy: Nothing.

Evelyn: And I just want you to know, I'm not after your father's money.

Courtney: I'm sure you're not.

Evelyn: Believe me, I got plenty of my own money.

[Alan and Charlie are in the ladies' restroom]

Charlie: What are you doing?

Alan: I'm here, I figure, what the hell?

Charlie: Just remember to put the seat back down.

Alan: It's a ladies' room. Why do they even go up?

Charlie: I don't know. It's a bigger target for broads who want to puke their dinner.

[Charlie enters the house late at night. Alan is sitting in the living room.]

Alan: You were with her [Courtney], weren't you?

Charlie: What are you, my wife?

Alan: No, I'm the wedding planner.

Fish in a Drawer [5.17]

[Jake takes a strawberry from the wedding cake]

Evelyn: We don't eat from the cake until we cut the cake.

Jake: But I'm still hungry.

Evelyn: Have some cheese!

Jake: Have we cut the cheese?

Charlie: We've got a real problem here.

Berta: What do you mean "we"? [walks away]

[Evelyn finds Teddy lying dead on Charlie's bed]

Evelyn: You son of a bitch.

Alan: So you weren't the one who was...

Evelyn: Of course not. I already married the man! I just can't believe he'd cheat on me on our wedding day!

Courtney: Excuse me, my father is lying here dead!

Evelyn: With his pants around his ankles and lipstick on his hoo-hoo.

Berta: So who do you suppose was smoking Teddy's sausage?

Courtney: Berta, that is my father in there!

Berta: OK, so who do you suppose was smoking your father's sausage?

[the crime scene investigators dim the lights in Charlie's room to check for semen]

Sloane: My God!

Wes: It's like a Jackson Pollock painting.

Charlie: The ceiling fan's actually a cute story.

Sloane: Jake, what I want to know is, were you in your uncle's room at any time today?

Jake: No, I never go to my uncle's room.

Sloane: Why not?

Jake: 'Cause all the skin mags are in my dad's room.

Alexis [the prostitute from "Winky-Dink Time", walking by in handcuffs]: Hi, Alan.

Alan [to Evelyn after she stares at him]: Hey, I'm not the one who's got a dead husband with someone else's lipstick on his dipstick.

[At the interrogating room, with red hair attractive cop player by Jamie Rose]

Charlie Harper: That blouse is very distracting. Is that police issue?

If My Hole Could Talk [5.18]

Charlie: I'll bet you're sorry you took all that LSD before you had him [Jake].

Alan: I never took any LSD!

Charlie: You might want to start telling people you did.

Jake [on The Taming of the Shrew]: Dad, this is the wrong book.

Alan: What are you talking about?

Jake: It's in some sort of foreign language.

Alan: It's Elizabethan.

Jake: Well, can we get one in English?

Alan: Walk.

Charlie: You're angry and resentful. But what you need to understand is that resentment is the mortar that holds the bricks of loneliness together in a wall of alienation and despair. Chapter 3, "Knocking Down the Wall".

Alan: Bite me. That's Chapter 1 in my forthcoming book entitled, Bite Me. Chapter 2 is called "Kiss My Pale White Ass".

Alan: You're supposed to be finishing your report.

Jake: I know, but I can't find the book.

Alan: You're kidding! We-- we just bought it.

Jake: What can I say, Dad? It's a big house and a little book.

Alan: Find... the book.

Jake: I'm really tired.

Alan: Find... the book!

Jake: Just saying it won't make it happen.

[Charlie walks into the house]

Alan: FIND... THE... BOOK!

Jake [running]: Heads up! He's losing it.

Alan: I should have put frosting on the damn book! He's never lost anything with frosting on it!

Charlie: I don't know why you get so worked up about it. The kid's obviously destined to sell tube socks from the back of his car.

Alan: A business of his own. Gee. that'd be swell.

Alan: You're writing a report on The Taming of the Shrew, not The Voyages of Cap'n Crunch!

Jake: Too bad. I could write the crap out of that.

Alan: OK... [sighs] I'm not fooling around here. You are gonna finish this damn book and write the damn report, and you're gonna hand it in on Monday, spell-checked, formatted, and on freakin' time!

Jake: I have my doubts, Dad.

Waiting for the Right Snapper [5.19]

Charlie: So what do I owe you?

Dr. Freeman: Well, I get $200 an hour, you were here for five minutes, so why don't we just round it off and say $200?

Charlie [sighs]: Man. Even hookers prorate.

Dr. Freeman: Hookers don't have to listen to you, Charlie. Good-bye.

Alan: Why aren't you studying for your algebra final?

Jake: 'Cause I don't have to.

Alan: You don't have to study algebra.

Jake: Nope. All I gotta do is get a 67 to pass the course, and then it's adiós seventh grade, arrivederci eighth.

Alan: OK, we can cross "UN interpreter" off the job list...

Evelyn: We're at the same theater! What a happy coincidence!

Charlie: Yeah, just like Booth and Lincoln.

Berta: What's bugging you, Zippy? Your blow-up doll run off with a pool toy?

Season 6

Taterhead Is Our Love Child [6.1]

Charlie: Look at him. He can type eighty words a minute with his thumb, but he can't pee without hitting the shower curtain.

Alan: Fortunately, typing is a job skill and peeing is not.

Jake [while text messaging]: Oh, dude, WTF?

[after Alan sings "Cat's in the Cradle" while washing dishes]

Charlie: It's not funny.

Alan: Well, maybe not funny "ha-ha", but certainly funny "hee-hee".

Charlie: That boy was nothing like me.

Alan: Well, he doesn't have ear hair and whiskey breath, but I'm guessing he'll grow into that.

Charlie: Hey, hey, lots of kids are named "Chuck", play the piano, and look disturbingly like me.

Berta: He's right. In fact, I'm surprised we're not up to our asses in 'em.

Charlie: Alan, I have always conducted my sex life according to three simple principles. One: If at all possible, ladies first. Two: It's easier to be forgiven than ask permission. And third and most important: the ten seconds it takes to put on a condom beats the hell out of the ten years you have to pretend to like soccer.

Alan: Except when they don't work.

Charlie: Stupid tiny disclaimer on the side of the box. They should put it in big letters right on the reservoir tip. "Do you feel lucky, dumbass?"

Charlie: What I've wanted to ask you is, "Do you think I've been a good role model?"

Jake: Are you kidding? You drink, you gamble, you have different women here practically every night. You're the best role model a guy could want!

Charlie: You think so?

Jake: Yeah, they should put your face on money.

[about condoms]

Russel: Whenever you're dealing with a manufactured product, there's always gonna be flaws in the process.

Charlie: Yeah, but aren't they supposed to be tested before they go out, or in?

Russel: Well, sure, but they don't test every one.

Charlie: They don't?

Russel: Masturbating's looking better and better, huh?

Pie Hole, Herb [6.2]

[Jake is outdoors trying to hold a "Condos For Sale" sign]

Alan: Thanks, Mom. Th-- this is a perfect first job for him.

Charlie: First job? I think you're looking at the birth of a career.

Evelyn: I was gonna have him put up fliers, but I didn't trust him with a staple gun.

Alan: How much are you paying him?

Evelyn: Obviously, too much. Look at him! [Jake is picking his nose] For the record, I promised him $20 and a Playboy magazine.

Alan: Playboy?

Evelyn: Don't worry. I'll Magic Marker over the ta-tas and hoo-hoos.

Charlie: Oh, that's disturbing on so many levels.

[An ice cream truck turns the corner on which Jake is located. He drops the sign and runs after it.]

[Jake is reading the censored Playboy that Evelyn promised him]

Charlie: What are you doing?

Jake: Thanks to Grandma, I'm reading an interview with Jimmy Kimmel.

Charlie: OK, OK, look, you're not going out to have fun. You never go out to have fun, because you know why? You're not a fun guy!

Alan: Oh, oh, I am very much a fun guy. We just have different definitions of "fun", and mine doesn't include urinary tract infections and dry heaving.

Alan: So, bottom line, you don't have my money.

Charlie: No.

Alan: The money you promised to pay back today.

Charlie: The day hasn't even started yet!

Alan: It started for me.

Charlie: That's only because you're on Douchebag Savings Time!

Alan: I want my forty dollars!

Charlie: I only borrowed thirty-eight.

Alan: Yeah, well, I find round numbers easier to remember.

Charlie: You like round numbers, do you?

Alan: Yeah, I-- I like round numbers.

Charlie: OK, here's a round number for you: zero. Nice, tight circular shape. [makes a fist]: Nothing gets in, nothing gets out. Sound familiar, Alan?

Alan: Are you calling me anal?

Charlie: That's right. A-L-A-N. Anal.

Alan: But, uh, but FYI, Charlie's a thief, a liar, and I suspect something of a firebug.

Herb: Really. Hmmm, he always struck me as a straight-shooter. Little loosey-goosey with the liquor and the ladies, but, uh, all in all, a good fella.

Judith: In what universe is Charlie Harper a "good fella"?

Herb: Well, I certainly don't know him as well as you do, so I'll just shut my pie hole.

Damn You, Eggs Benedict [6.3]

Alan: At the risk of tooting my own horn, I am actually seeing two different women.

Charlie: Wow. Two women?

Alan: Yeah.

Charlie: And yet you're still tooting your own horn.

Charlie: Go, my son, drizzle thy frosting on the divorced sticky buns of the Valley!

Charlie: Alcohol is for people who can afford to lose a few brain-cells.

Charlie: Morning, buddy. How do you like your eggs?

Jake: In an Easter basket.

Charlie: Scrambled it is.

Berta: Morning.

Charlie: Morning.

Berta: What'cha doing?

Charlie: Cooking breakfast. How do you like your eggs?

Berta: Sunny side up.

Charlie: Scrambled it is.

[later, Alan is talking on the phone]

Charlie: Hey, Alan! How do you like your eggs?

Alan [on the phone]: Uh, uh, one sec. Charlie, Stephanie wants to see me tonight, but I already made a date with Katie. What do I do?

Charlie: Scrambled it is.

Charlie: So where's your friend?

Jake: Gabe? He ditched me when I started throwing up, the bat rastard.

Jake [to Charlie]: You up for an R-rated movie? Boobies, no violence.

Alan: Tonight, I give my second rose to bachelorette number two.

Charlie: Only you can gay up banging two women.

[Jake is vomiting in the bathroom toilet]

Charlie: You know, your body's sending you a message.

Jake: Yeah, it's sayin' I should really chew my food more. Look at that shrimp -- you could wash it off and serve it again.

Charlie: Your body is also telling you that alcohol is poison.

Jake: If it's poison, why do you drink it?

Charlie: Because there are things inside of me I need to kill.

Jake: You can't kill bad feelings with alcohol, Uncle Charlie.

Charlie: Right.

Jake: And you can't stuff your emotions with cupcakes. Believe me, I've tried.

Charlie: I'm sure you have.

Charlie: You know what the problem is? The women, the drinking... you guys look at me and you think it's easy. But what you don't see is all the years of hard work and dedication it took to make me the happy-go-lucky, drunken ass-wrangler I am today.

The Flavin' and the Mavin' [6.4]

Alan: OK, I don't mind the good-natured brotherly punching, but you did not have to twist my nipples.

Charlie: You're lucky I didn't rip them off and feed them to you.

Alan: Charlie, she [Melissa] is the best receptionist I've ever had.

Charlie: I'm hoping to say the same.

Alan: Come on, Charlie, please do not crap where I work.

Charlie: Hey, you crap where I live!

Charlie: Alan, you don't have to worry. You're thinking about the old Charlie - The old hump'em and dump'em one track mind Charlie.

Alan: Oh, oh right. The old Charlie from way back this morning!

Charlie: I'm serious. I honestly want to start building a relationship.

Alan: Really?

Charlie: Yeah. Get to know someone. Let her get to know me. Have something in common, before we jump into bed.

Alan: Wow, I'm impressed!

Charlie: That I'm growing up?

Alan: No, that you can so easily lie to my face.

Alan: My point is that you're gonna leave her [Melissa] with bad memories that can be erased by removing herself from anything that reminds her of you, like me.

Charlie: Is that what you're worried about, Bunky?

Alan: Yes, that's what I'm worried about! What do you think I was worried about? What else would I be worried about?

Charlie: Well, let's see: your receding hairline, your semi-literate son, your budding man-boobs... but that's just off the top of my head.

Melissa: Charlie asked me to stay the weekend.

Alan: No kidding?

Melissa: Yeppers. We really made a connection, and it is not just physical. Although the physical part is amazing!

Alan: Again, none of my business.

Melissa: It is like I have known him all my life.

Alan: I know the feeling. You'll get over it.

Alan: Sure you don't want to come back to my office and hump my fax machine?

Charlie: Wow. You still have a fax machine?

A Jock Strap in Hell [6.5]

Alan: I can't believe you've been going to gym all this time without a jockstrap.

Jake: I don't like it. It feels like I've been flossing my butt crack.

Alan: Based on what I'm paying your dentist, you know nothing about flossing.

Charlie: Think of it as a bra for your balls.

Jake: Oh, now I want one.

Charlie: Hey, Alan, d'you think I'm evil?

Alan: Oh God, yes.

[Charlie stares at him]

Alan: I mean, is a tornado evil when it rips up a mobile home and throws it into an orphanage?

Charlie: Yeah, I'm a real force of nature.

Miss Pasternak [to Charlie]: How can you live with yourself, you horrible, evil man?!

Jake: He drinks.

[at the strip club]

Charlie: Hey, honey, when's Miss Bush come out?

Dancer: Whenever Ben Franklin comes out.

Alan: Story of my life: No boner goes unpunished.

Miss Pasternak: Jake, I have wonderful news: From now on, as part of each lesson, we're gonna spend time casting demons out of you. [to Alan]: It's the Devil that's making him stupid.

Jake: I told you it wasn't my fault.

Alan: Uh, uh, Miss Pasternak, wh-- while I'm thrilled that you're helping Jake with his schoolwork, I'm not sure an exorcism is really called for.

Miss Pasternak: Do you want your son to go to Hell, Alan?

Alan: Depends. Do they have a college prep program?

Miss Pasternak: Eternal damnation is no laughing matter.

Alan: I know. I've been married twice. [laughs]

Jake: You think you have to wear a jockstrap in Hell?

Charlie: Yes, but not your own.

Miss Pasternak: Sunday is not a me day, sunday is a He day! [points upward] And He will strike down the blasphemers and the disbelievers with fury and bloodsoaked vengeance! So, chop chop, washy washy! [leaves]

Charlie: I've said it before and I'll say it again: Boy can I pick'em!

Alan: A little religion isn't gonna kill you.

Jake: Oh yeah? What's your definition of bloodsoaked vengeance?

(In Church)

Charlie: Why are you looking at me like that?

Berta: I just don't wanna miss it when you burst into flames.

It's Always Nazi Week [6.6]

Jake: Well, they [Judith and Herb] are fighting a lot.

Alan: They're fighting?

Jake: Yep. Thirty-one.

Charlie: Thirty-one?

Jake: It's what you get when you add twenty-four and seven. You know, they're fighting all the time, 24/7? Thirty-one?

Charlie: I'm not gonna make it three months, Alan.

[Upon hearing of Herb and Judith's marital problems, Alan is smiling evilly]

Charlie: Alan, you got a little evil on your face.

[Alan rubs his face]

Charlie: Other side.

Charlie: Wait in the car.

Jake: Give me the keys.

Charlie: No!

Jake: How will I wait in the car?

Charlie: Wait by the car.

Jake: I don't have sunscreen on.

Charlie: Wait UNDER the car.

Herb: Well, uh, remember that advice you gave me about how to handle Judith?

Charlie: Oh, gee, Herb, that wasn't so much advice as, you know, social satire.

Herb: Well, it worked out great.

Charlie: Really? She bought that "king of the castle" crap?

Herb: No, she kicked my ass out. But the thing is, talking to you and seeing how you live, I'm convinced I'm better off single.

Charlie: Is that so?

Herb: Oh, yeah, I mean, uh, why chew on one chicken wing when you can eat from the whole bucket?

[after seeing Jake's shoe stuck to the coffee table]

Alan: We need to get rid of the staple gun.

Charlie: Staple guns do not staple shoes to coffee tables, Alan. Idiots do.

Judith [sobbing]: How could this happen? How could I blow another marriage?

Alan: Oh, sweetie, you can't blame yourself. Although you are the common denominator.

Herb: Hey, Charlie, I've got a question for you.

Charlie: Yeah.

Herb: The hotel I'm staying at has pay-per-view adult movies.

Charlie: Uh-huh.

Herb: Whatever happened to pubic hair?

Charlie: Gone the way of the dodo bird, my friend.

Herb: I mean, I can understand it with the ladies, but what's the deal with the fellas? It's like with an ugly house: a little shrubbery helps the curb appeal.

Charlie: I don't have an answer for you, Herb.

Herb: What about you? Do you trim the old hedges?

Charlie: Yep. They're shaped like Disney characters.

Best H.O. Money Can Buy [6.7]

Charlie: Alan, you had a perfect night of revenge sex. That's the fourth-best kind of sex you can have!

Alan: Fourth? What are the other…never mind, I don't want to know. Charlie, the problem is that, now that Judith and Herb are over, she thinks that we're… [Jake walks by them on the way to the refrigerator] …back to square one in dealing with the PTA car…nival.

Charlie: What?

Alan: The-the school carnival that we used to, uh, raise money for. [Jake leaves] [softly]: I don't want Jake to know about me and Judith. [Jake walks back to the refrigerator] Ith...cariot. Judith Ithcariot, who thold our Lord for thirty piethes of thilver.

Jake: What are you talking about?

Alan: Oh, I was just, uh, uh, telling your uncle about this, uh, this great, uh, cartoon. Uh, Daffy Duck and the Greateth Sthory Ever Told.

Jake: Sounds lame.

Alan: Classic Warner Brothers animation. [chuckling]

TV commercial announcer: So when the moment's right and she's ready, you'll be ready, too. Side effects may include nausea, headaches, dry mouth, blurred vision, dizziness, anal leakage, kidney failure, and massive stroke.

Charlie: She'd better be ready to call an ambulance.

Alan: Judith's changed, Charlie. She's…she's a different woman.

Charlie: Different than the one who threw you out of your house with your nuts in a to-go bag?

Alan: That's a little graphic, don't you think?

Charlie: I'm an artist, Alan. I paint with words.

Alan: You're a lush, Charlie. You paint with vomit!

Judith: I was afraid of being forty years old and being all by myself, but dying alone has got to be better than being stuck with you.

Alan: OK, now you are starting to sound like my mother.

Judith: Herb and I are going to have a baby.

Berta: Congratulations. Try to keep this one away from the lead paint.

Pinocchio's Mouth [6.8]

Alan: "So what's in Culver City?" he asked, knowing the only possible answer.

Charlie: Can you believe she wants me to schlep all the way over to her place just so we can spend the night together?

Alan: Oh, you poor guy. You have to drive forty-five minutes to get laid.

Charlie: And forty-five minutes to get back. That's ninety minutes behind the wheel for twenty, thirty minutes behind... well, I don't need to draw you a map.

[the morning after Charlie tried to sleep at Chelsea's apartment]

Charlie: She's got one of those wooden toilet seats. It would have been like sitting on Pinocchio's mouth.

Alan: You ever wonder about people who can poop in a gas station? What is wrong with them?

Charlie: What about porta-potties?

Alan [scoffs]: Those aren't people. Those are animals. I'd rather go in the trunk of my car.

Charlie: I have.

Alan: You've gone in the trunk of your car?

Charlie: No, yours. [leaves]

Alan: That was you?! I convinced myself a coyote had gotten in there.

[Jake plays 'Smoke on the Water' on Charlie's piano, and then bends down and plays the keys with his tongue. Charlie comes downstairs.]

Charlie: What are you doing?

Jake: Playing 'Smoke on the Water'

Charlie: With your tongue?

Jake: Pretty cool, huh?

Charlie: That's not cool, it's disgusting. Alan, get in here! [Alan comes in] Your kid's licking my piano!

Alan: Jake, don't lick your uncle's piano.

Jake: But I'm bored.

Alan: Go read a book.

Jake: I don't wanna read a book.

Charlie: Then go lick a book! [Jake leaves] How long is this whole grounding thing gonna go on for?

Alan: Two weeks.

Charlie: Two weeks?

Alan: Charlie, he stuck his ass out a bus window at the girls' track team.

Charlie: That's what you're grounding him for? When you were his age, you mooned the girls' choir.

Alan: No, uh, when I was his age, you pantsed me in front of the girls' choir.

Charlie: Oh, right. Well, either way, you made the yearbook.

Alan: You know, I have never once seen him [Charlie] eat seedless raspberry jam.

Berta: That's because you've never applied a thin layer to your hindquarters.

The Mooch at the Boo [6.9]

Charlie: And just so we're clear, my car is cherry, so if you bang it, ding it, dent it, or even change the ass print in the seat, just keep driving 'til you get to Mexico and bury yourself in the desert.

Alan: I understand your concern, and trust me, I will be very careful.

Charlie: You know, you're taking the fun out of this!

Charlie: What's so interesting over there?

Jake: Nothing.

Charlie: Hey, you know the rule: If there's topless sunbathers, you don't hang out and stare at them. You come get your Uncle Charlie.

[Jerome is looking for his daughter]

Charlie: Did you try calling your daughter?

Jerome: She left her cell phone at the house.

Charlie: Kids, huh? [tries to call Jake on his cell phone] It's ringing.

Jake's cell phone: Yo, bitch, I'm gonna slap you up

Yo, bitch, I'll slap you up

Yo, bitch, I'm gonna slap you up...

Charlie: Oh, that's unfortunate on so many levels.

Alan [on the phone, wearing a dress]: Yes, yes, my car has been stolen. Yes, just now. If-- if you can hurry, you can... sure, I'll hold.

Evelyn: Why am I not surprised? Did it have to be my red chiffon?

Jerome [sobbing]: And after I blew out my knee, my wife left me.

Charlie: Oh, man, I'm sorry.

Jerome: For a placekicker!

Charlie: Ooh, insult to injury.

Jerome: A little tiny dude from Serbia. Not a single vowel in his entire name!

Charlie: Oh, yeah, Grl Zrbnck. That guy could sure split the uprights... in a football manner of speaking.

He Smelled the Ham, He Got Excited [6.10]

Charlie: We'll be lucky to leave here [Evelyn's house] with all of our limbs and gonads!

Jake: What's a gonad?

Charlie: You are.

Jake: So it's bad.

Alan: You're not a gonad.

Charlie: Says the other gonad.

Alan: Did you hear? Grandma's sending you to college!

Jake: Now? I haven't finished my soup!

Charlie: Mom, have you thought this through? Look at him! Maybe there should be one child left behind.

Berta: She's [Evelyn] buying Lunkhead a car?

Charlie: And a college education.

Berta: Huh. Well, I guess that makes sense if it's a clown college and the car seats twenty.

Jake: What if I flunk out? Do I have to give the car back?

Evelyn: No, sweetheart, what makes you think you'll flunk out?

Jake: Well, history. Right now there's a 60/60 chance I'm gonna have to repeat the eighth grade.

Evelyn: 60/60, huh?

Jake: At least. It could be 70/40.

Evelyn: Well, we can rule out the Ivy League.

Jake: Is that good?

Evelyn: For the Ivy League.

Alan: It became clear to me that I don't like what I'm doing, and now that Mom is taking care of Jake, I can spend my time doing the things that give me joy.

Charlie: So you're gonna masturbate in a kayak?

The Devil's Lube [6.11]

Jake: You should have seen it, Berta. The paramedics zipped him up in a big plastic bag.

Berta: Is that so?

Jake: It looked like one of those things that delivery guys use to keep pizza hot. I wonder if they got him to the morgue in thirty minutes or less.

Jake: I was trying to research cars, but you wouldn't believe what comes up when you Google "Hummer".

Charlie: Actually, I would.

Charlie: I've been thinking a lot about how fleeting life is, and that none of us really knows how long we're gonna be here.

Evelyn: Did you find another lump on your pee-pee?

Charlie: No, Mom, my pee-pee's fine!

Evelyn: I don't know how "worn down to a nub" can be fine, but all right...

[while Charlie imagines his own funeral]

James Earl Jones: To be completely honest, I didn't know Charlie Harper. But any man who, with his dying breath, would set aside $25,000 and a first-class air ticket so I could deliver his eulogy is aces in my book!

Alan: I don't care if I never inherit this house.

Charlie: Uh, uh... excuse me? You ain't seen this new will, huh?

Alan: What new will?

Charlie: Just in case tragedy strikes, be prepared to clear your crap out of here in 48 hours.

Alan: (After realizing he's going to move out when Charlie dies) Son of a bitch!

Thank God For Scoliosis [6.12]

Charlie: So you and her [Melissa] are, uh...

Alan: Oh, no-no, no, nothing's happened yet. Just a little kissing, and... she could feel my... "enthusiasm".

Charlie: What, are you Noël Coward? Just say "boner"!

Charlie: Everything work out at the office?

Alan: Uh-huh.

Charlie: Manage to keep your hands off Really Little Annie Fanny?

Alan: Well, not exactly, but, uh, we did keep it above the waist.

Charlie: Her waist or yours?

Alan: Both. And it wasn't easy. I haven't checked, but I'm pretty sure my balls look like two-thirds of the Blue Man Group.

Charlie: Berta, hide the vacuum cleaner!

Alan: For the last time, I use it to get lint off my trousers.

Charlie: Then why do you call it "Brenda"?

[Charlie and Jake are having dinner at Janine's house]

Charlie: Listen, buddy, you're gonna have to make yourself scarce. Maybe take a cab home.

Jake: You take a cab home. I'm doing great!

Charlie: How do you figure?

Jake: You blind? First base off the top of my head, second base in my ear...

Charlie: Listen to me, knucklehead, that woman's gotta be ten years older than you.

Jake: So? You're like, fifteen years older than her! Step aside, Grandpa.

Shelly [showing Alan her family photo album]: Now this picture here is toward the end of my labor. That's my vagina, and that's Melissa's little head pokin' out of me like a groundhog. Hey, I guess if she'd seen her shadow, I would've had six more weeks of labor, huh?

(Jake gets out of his chair on the deck)

Alan: Where are you going?

Jake: I'm a 14-year-old boy who just got ear-boob. Where do you think I'm going?

I Think You Offended Don [6.13]

Alan: I feel like the universe is playing some horrible practical joke on me.

Charlie: Wow. I lost $8,000 playing poker, I have no idea where my car is, threw up in my mouth three times, and I'm still having a better night than you are.

Alan: I'm gonna have a daughter, Charlie.

Charlie: OK, OK, first of all, you don't know if it's your kid. All we know is that when Judith and Herb broke up, you nailed Judith. Then when they reconciled, Herb nailed Judith. So the only thing we know for sure is that despite all outward appearances, Judith is a slut.

Alan: Unicorns? Oh, Herb, that's just a pony with a strap-on!

David Copperfield Slipped Me a Roofie [6.14]

Charlie [after Alan and Melissa share a breakfast sausage]: Aw. Nothing says "love" like a little morning pork.

Alan: This is so nice. A private, intimate dinner for just the two of us. Oh, my God, you guys! [he and Melissa enter the room for Alan's birthday party but nobody is there] There's nobody here.

Melissa: I don't understand. I told them to be here an hour ago.

Alan: Yeah, well, what are you gonna do? My family are a bunch of thoughtless, selfish buttwipes. [he turns around to see Charlie, Jake, Evelyn, and Berta standing in the doorway]

Charlie: Surprise.

Melissa: I want to thank you all for coming to celebrate this wonderful occasion.

Berta: I thought it was Alan's birthday.

Evelyn: Alan, darling, you were always the good son. Of course, your brother didn't set the bar very high.

Melissa's Mother: I have pictures of myself dressed in a forest rangers uniform and have absoulately no memory of being a forest ranger. Thank you.

I'd Like to Start With the Cat [6.15]

Chelsea: Who's my best friend? Where do I work? What's my cat's name? What's my favorite movie? What kind of music do I like? What religion was I raised in? And do I have any brothers and sisters?

Charlie: Okay, I'd like to startwith the cat.

Alan: Wanna know her [Chelsea's] cat's name?

Charlie: No.

Alan: It's "Mandu".

Charlie: Mandu?

Alan: Yeah, you know, "Cat Mandu"? It's cute, huh?

Charlie: Why was I thinking "Puss-Puss"?

Alan: Because that's what you're always thinking.

Jake: No cookies? What the hell is going on around here?!

Alan: Hey, watch your mouth!

Jake: I am watching it. It's empty. I need dessert!

Dr. Freeman: You have a choice here: You can dig down and confront your feelings so they won't be controlling your behavior, or you can keep eating pudding and cookies until you have more chins than a Chinese phone book.

Charlie: And how's your family back in... Davenport, Iowa?

Chelsea: I'm from Champaign, Illinois.

Charlie: You sure?

Chelsea: I'm sure.

Charlie: Bastard set me up!

[on couples counseling]

Alan: Oh, it's horrible. But it's worth it, because you're paying a stranger to watch while your life goes down the toilet. Along with your money and your house and your car and every last SHRED OF YOUR SELF-RESPECT!

Charlie: You know, maybe you're not the right guy to ask.

Alan: Oh, no, no, no, I-- I'm the perfect guy to ask. Wh-- when Judith and I started, we were just a couple with a few problems. When we finished, I CAME TO LIVE ON YOUR COUCH! GOD BLESS COUPLES COUNSELING!

Alan: If you want dessert, have an apple!

Jake: Not funny, Dad!

[After when Jake takes Charlie's pudding cups]

Charlie: The little turd (Jake) called my bluff!

Alan: [Scoffs, then he is hit in the head by Charlie] OW!!

She'll Still Be Dead at Halftime [6.16]

Charlie: Hey, hey, it's got nothing to do with jealousy. I just know, based on a lifetime of experience, that penises do not observe a traditional mourning period.

Charlie: So what's it gonna be? A movie, bowling, putt-putt, Nevada cathouse?

Jake: I vote for cathouse.

Alan: Do you even know what a cathouse is?

Jake: Not firsthand. That's why I voted for it!

Alan: A movie would be fine.

Charlie: All right. A movie it is. What's out that's good?

Jake: There's a new pirate movie. It's rated "Arr!" [Alan and Charlie stare at him] You guys have no sense of humor.

[Charlie is drinking on the patio with Wanda while Chelsea is out of town]

Jake: Have I met this woman before?

Alan: I doubt it.

Jake: She looks familiar.

Alan: Blond, busty, and bombed? Around here, that's familiar.

Jake: I thought Uncle Charlie liked Chelsea.

Alan: He does.

Jake: Well, then, what's he doing with Wanda?

Alan: Well, buddy, it's like this: uh, despite his many admirable qualities, your Uncle Charlie is, at heart, a sleazeball.

Jake: That's what I figured. I just wanted a second opinion.

Jake: I still don't understand why it's called Back to the Future.

Alan: Because they're stuck in the past, and they have to get back...

Jake: Home.

Charlie: Hey, Jake...

Jake: You might wanna hang back a sec. I just ripped off an air biscuit.

Chelsea: What?

Jake: I farted. Sorry, I get the fancy words from my dad.

The "Ocu" or the "Pado" [6.17]

[at the restaurant where Charlie is on his date with Chelsea]

Bobby: Is everything all right, Mr. Harper?

Charlie: Yeah, terrific. Listen, my date's in the ladies' room, and I need you to do something for me.

Bobby: Not a problem. I'll have the valet bring your car around to the alley, I'll open the men's restroom window so you can shimmy out, and I'll have a cab standing by to take the lady home along with the customary chocolate soufflé to go.

[At Dr.Freeman office]

Dr.Freeman: Hey Charlie, how's it going?

Charlie: Boy you really blew it this time.

Dr.Freeman: Did I now? How so?

Charlie:(sighs) I've fallen in love with Chelsea.

Dr.Freeman:(distracted) Oop my bad

Charlie: Damn right your bad. There were plenty of medications that would have turned me into a happy little potato but would you prescribe them no. You said I had to get in touch with my feelings and express them with the people I care about.

Dr.Freeman: Sorry I must have been drunk.

Chelsea: What the hell did I just swallow?

Charlie: A one-bedroom condo.

Chelsea: What?

Charlie: I put a diamond ring in your champagne glass!

Chelsea: Why?

Charlie: What do you mean, "why?" I was gonna propose and I had no idea you'd chug it like a Jell-O shot!

Chelsea: That was a ring I just swallowed?!

Charlie: Hey, who drinks champagne like that?

Chelsea: I was thirsty! Stop yelling at me!

Charlie: How in God's name could you swallow it so easily?!

Chelsea: Hey, that's one of the things you love about me!

Charlie: Hey, Berta, where do we keep the spaghetti strainer thingy?

Berta: It's called a colander. What do you need it for?

Charlie: It's not for me. It's for Chelsea.

Berta: OK, what kind of Martha Stewart freak show you got going on up there?

My Son's Enormous Head [6.18]

Chelsea: I think I'm coming down with a cold. [blows her nose]

Charlie: That doesn't sound like a cold. It sounds like quitting time in Bedrock.

[The Bridges of Madison County is playing on TV]

Charlie: This isn't a Clint Eastwood movie!

Alan: Yes, it is.

Charlie: Even Clint Eastwood doesn't think this is a Clint Eastwood movie!

Alan: Well, tough. I like it.

Charlie: Sure, you do. You're a giant fruit basket.

Alan: I'll never apologize for my feminine side.

Alan: So what's the deal? Does, uh, Chelsea have a cold?

Charlie: I'm not sure. Cold, flu, something disgusting.

Jake: Maybe she has an STD.

Charlie: What?

Jake: It means "sexually transmitted disease".

Charlie: I know what STD's are!

Alan: Your uncle helped invent them.

Jake: You know, they can be prevented by using a condom.

Charlie: I know we could have prevented you by using a condom. Now we gotta use a hammer.

Jake: I don't understand.

Charlie: Go get me a hammer, and I'll show you.

Jake: Okay. (walks to the utility room)

Charlie: (to Alan) You must be so proud.

Jake: (from the utility room) Ballpeen or claw hammer?

Alan: Do me a favor. When he comes back, just do it.

Charlie: Should've known. The second you give 'em a ring, they fall out of warranty.

The Two-Finger Rule [6.19]

[Chelsea leaves Charlie while Alan argues on the phone with Melissa]

Charlie: Oh, please don't leave!

Alan: Oh, please don't hang up!

Charlie and Alan: I love you!

Berta: And I love you, too.

[Alan rings the doorbell at Judith's house while Herb and Judith are arguing]

Alan: Is this a bad time?

Herb: They're all bad. Seven and a half months of bad.

Judith: Don't you walk away from me!

Herb: Well, I'm sorry, I was answering the door! That's what we idiots do when we hear a doorbell!

Jake: Hi, Dad, bye, Mom, good luck, Herb.

Herb: Bye, Jake. Wish I was going with you!

[cut to Herb in the back seat of Alan's car]

Herb: I knew it as soon as it came out of my mouth.

Jake: See you later.

Charlie: Where you going?

Jake: Down to the pier with Celeste.

Herb: Who's Celeste?

Jake: My girlfriend. She lives next door.

Herb: She pretty?

Jake: She's gorgeous, and smart and popular.

Herb: No kidding.

Charlie: We don't get it either.

Alan: Maybe she's punishing her father.

Jake: Let's hope so!

Charlie: Ordering a pizza and going home. Two of the three things you want in a woman.

Alan: And you wonder why Chelsea dumped you.

Charlie: I'll tell you what I wonder. I wonder how you could possibly get stoned enough to stick your tongue in the mouth of a sixty-year-old woman.

Herb: Zing!

(Jake goes to Jerome's to pick up Celeste for their date)

Jerome: Hey, Jake.

Jake: (intimidated) Hello, sir.

Jerome: (calling) Celeste! Jake's here! (to Jake) So how've you been?

Jake: (still intimidated) We're walking down to the pier, we're gonna play skee ball, we'll be back by 11.

Jerome: (leering over Jake) You're damn right you will.

Gordon: [delivering pizza] Hey Mr. Harper.

Charlie: Oh, hey Gordon! It's been a long time.

Gordon: Yeah, two years.

Charlie: So what have you been up to?

Gordon: Well, I finished night school, got my business degree, met an amazing girl and got married, landed a great job as a stock brocker, the company went under, my wife left me and - uh - that'll be 28.50.

Charlie: Oh, man I'm sorry. You want a drink?

Gordon: Why stop now?

Gordon: Where do you guys want me to put these [pizzas]?

Alan: Oh, uh, here, let me, uh, move the snickerdoodles.

Gordon: [sighs] Snickerdoodles.

Alan: You don't like them?

Gordon: No, no, I do. It's just that my wife used to call me her little snickerdoodle.

Charlie: You're kidding.

Gordon: Well, no, not all of me. It was her little nickname for my, uh... [awkward chuckle]

Jerome: Oh, that is a terrible name for a penis.

Gordon: Oh, yeah? What did your wife call yours?

Jerome: Mr. Roundtree. [everyone stares] Richard Roundtree? The guy who played Shaft? [everyone murmurs in agreement]

Alan: That's way better than "snickerdoodle".

Herb: Judith calls mine "that thing".

Alan: As in, "Get that thing away from me"?

Herb: Yeah, how did you know?

Alan: Just a guess.

Hello, I Am Alan Cousteau [6.20]

Evelyn: Look, Charlie, if you're really going to marry this woman, I want to get started on the right foot. I don't want to make the same mistake I did with Alan's wife June.

Charlie: Judith.

Evelyn: Oh, whatever. Heinous woman. The fact remains, had I overlooked that and welcomed her into the family, she wouldn't have kept me at arm's length all during Jake's formative years and I'd have a better relationship with him today.

Charlie: Do you want a better relationship with him?

Evelyn: Not the way he is now! But if I'd gotten to him earlier, he wouldn't have the manners of an outhouse rat.

Chelsea: Believe me, when you meet my mom, you'll thank God for Evelyn.

Charlie: What the hell is your mom, a rabid werewolf who craps hot lava on people?

Charlie: This is a Rolex! You sold me out for a watch!

Alan: Hey, I did not sell you out for a watch. I sold you out for a genuine Swiss chronometer. Stainless steel submariner, waterproof up to 300 meters, and look, it winds itself. [repeatedly shakes his left hand]

Charlie: Put it on your right arm, it'll run forever.

Alan: Oh hey, good idea!

Chelsea's mother: Now, be honest with me, Charlie. You're so dark and handsome, you've gotta have some dago in you, right?

Charlie: God, I love your mom.

Above Exalted Cyclops [6.21]

Charlie: What'cha doin'?

Alan: Building an original 1978 Firebird. Got it on eBay.

Charlie: OK. Why?

Alan: I had this model when I was little, remember? I spent a month building it and painting it and putting on all the decals...

Charlie: Is that the one I tried to make a bong out of?

Alan: No, that was my Munster Mobile. And my Ventriloquist dummy, and my Rock 'Em Sock 'Em Robots. My Firebird, you blowtorched with a cigarette lighter and Mom's Aqua-Net.

Charlie: Oh, yeah, the "Fire"-bird.

[on their dinner date with Chelsea and Alan's blind date, who turns out to be Rose]

Bobby: And for you, sir?

Alan: Whiskey, neat.

Charlie: Since when do you drink hard liquor?

Alan: Since right now. I'd order a glass of crack if it were on the menu.

Bobby: Tru dat.

Charlie: So, once again, what are you up to?

Rose: OK, at first I was just doing a little light recon on Chelsea to make sure you weren't dating a whack job.

Charlie: You thought Chelsea might be...? Go on.

Rose: Well, good news, she's not. She's got a cousin who's a truck stop hooker, and her mom's an honorary Kleagle in the Ku Klux Klan, but Chelsea's clean as a whistle.

Charlie: Kleagle?

Rose: According to Wikipedia, it's below Grand Dragon and above Exalted Cyclops.

Charlie: [After finding Alan in the shower with Rose and Alan comes out] Explain it to me Alan, help me understand.

Alan: Oh, you mean Rose?

Charlie: No, I mean the internal combustion engine...Yes I mean Rose!

Sir Lancelot's Litter Box [6.22]

Charlie: Oh, come on, Chelsea! Is this about money? 'Cause I'd be happy to pay the lease on your apartment.

Chelsea: It's not about money, you ass! I just think it's ridiculous that we're engaged and not living together!

Charlie: Well, excuse me for being old-fashioned! I'm just not comfortable with us living in sin.

Chelsea: So you think we should stop having sex?

Charlie: No, no, no, it's not the "sin" I object to, it's the "living" in it.

Charlie: Is it ridiculous to want the turds in my bathroom to be human?

Chelsea: What do you want me to do, Charlie?! You want me to leave?!

Charlie: No, no, no, you just got here! I'll leave! It'll make more room for you and Sir Crapsalot!

Chelsea: Charlie...

[Charlie slams the bathroom door and walks downstairs]

Charlie: Get a good earful?

Berta: No.

Jake: I did, and I don't appreciate being called "Sir Crapsalot".

Jake: Where's Uncle Charlie?

Chelsea: Said he had some sort of meeting.

Jake: That means poker or strip club. [everyone in the kitchen stares at him] I'm sure it's poker.

Good Morning, Mrs. Butterworth [6.23]

[Alan is in the kitchen with his ventriloquist dummy]

Charlie: Alan?

Alan: Yeah?

Charlie: You're starting to scare the crap out of me.

Alan: Oh, oh, this? This is, uh, just a new hobby. Uh, Charlie, say hello to Danny O'Day. [as Danny]: Howdy do, Charlie?

Charlie: That's not a hobby. That's a cry for help.

Alan: Oh, come on, Charlie, play along. [as Danny]: So, Charlie, how did you sleep last night?

Charlie: With a woman, Alan. Something you need to do before this gets out of hand. [leaves]

Alan [as Danny]: Wow. He's got a stick where I've got your hand.

[Chelsea and Charlie are on their way to the movies]

Chelsea: Did you ask if he wants to go to the movies with us?

Charlie: No.

Chelsea: Why not?

Charlie: Because he's a ticking time bomb and we don't wanna be in the car with him when he goes off!

Chelsea: Come on, he's breaking my heart. Staying home all alone on a Friday night.

Charlie: Don't worry. You know how they say you can be alone, but not lonely?

Chelsea: Yeah?

Charlie: Well, Alan's kinda the opposite. He's always lonely, but he's never alone.

Chelsea: He's going through a tough time. Your brother should be surrounded by friends and family.

Charlie: My brother should be surrounded by a SWAT team.

Chelsea: Please. For me?

Charlie: Chelsea, we agreed that you only get one of those a month. Are you sure you wanna waste it on Alan?

Charlie: You know, just once I'd like to walk in this room [the kitchen] and not be freaked out.

Chelsea: Alan was just showing me his butt exercises.

Charlie: Have him show you the one where he sticks his head up there. That's my favorite.

Alan: Oh, Charlie. Your penis is no match for my technology.

[Charlie enters Alan's room]

Charlie: OK, I know what you're doing, now quit it!

Alan: What I'm doing? Whatever do you mean?

Charlie: You're text-blocking me.

Alan: Hey, I can't help it if Chelsea finds me witty and urbane.

Charlie: Keep it up, and she's gonna find you bloody and homeless.

Alan: You don't scare me, Charlie. You need me to keep Chelsea off your back

Charlie: That may be true, but I don't need him! [Grabs Danny and grasps his head, threatening to pull it off]

Alan: Just let him go, Charlie, this is between you and me.

Charlie: Not anymore.

Alan: Don't you dare hurt him!

Charlie: Well now, that's entirely up to you. His tiny wooden head is in your hands.

Baseball Was Better With Steroids [6.24]

Charlie: Alan?

Alan: Yeah?

Charlie: Smack your kid for me.

Alan: Should we really risk more brain damage?

Jake: Thanks for sticking up for me, dad.

Alan: Oh, hey, you'll never guess who I ran into.

Jake: Kobe Bryant?

Alan: No.

Jake: Lauren Conrad?

Alan: No.

Jake: Sean "P. Diddy" Combs?

Alan: What is wrong with you?

[on Alan's screenplay]

Jake: You know what you could call it?

Alan: What?

Jake: Bor-ing!

Alan: Thank you.

Jake: Rated G... A-Y.

[Judith is in labor]

Judith: OH, MY FREAKING GOD!

Alan: Now, you're not breathing. You've got to remember to breathe. [Judith does so] Good, good, good. [looks at his watch] OK, now you're only two minutes apart so we're in the home stretch here.

Judith: Great...

Alan: Boy, it seems like just yesterday we were at this same hospital waiting for little Jake to arrive.

Judith: Uh-huh.

Alan: I guess after pushing out his enormous head, this one will be like spitting a watermelon seed.

Chelsea: I can't get over how into this baby you are.

Charlie: It was amazing. The miracle of birth. If Judith hadn't been there it would have been perfect.

Chelsea: So you're not against maybe having one of your own someday?

Charlie: I don't see why not. Turns out, I love babies, and as you know, I'm a longtime fan of intercourse.

Season 7

Template:Expand

818-jklpuzo [7.1]

[While Mia is singing incredibly badly in a recording studio, the music operator gives Charlie an incredulous look]

Charlie: I know, its hard to believe I'm not banging her.

Operator: Then why are we here?

Charlie: She's an old friend and I'm helping her out.

Operator: You really wanna help her? Sneak up behind her with a big rock.

Whipped Unto the Third Generation [7.2]

Mmm, fish. Yum. [7.3]

Laxative Tester, Horse Inseminator [7.4]

For the Sake of the Child [7.5]

Alan: [Reading a self-help book] Okay, name three things you would change about me.

Charlie: Your personality, your wardrobe and your address.

Charlie: The way you chew your food, the hair in your ears and your address.

Alan: That stopped being funny a week ago.

Charlie: Judges?

Berta: Still funny.

[Charlie and Alan are playing a Word game in which they insult each other with letters of the alphabet]

Alan: You are a lush!

Charlie: You are a leech!

Alan: You are a misogynist!

Charlie: You are a mistake!

Alan: You are a...What are we up to?

Charlie: N.

Alan: Thank you. You are a...Necrophiliac!

Charlie: She was drunk, not dead, I challenge!

Alan: Fine. You are a narcissist.

Charlie: Better. You are a nancy-boy.

Alan: You are old!

Charlie: You are odd...ly shaped.

Alan: [Phone rings] Hang on.

Charlie: You are a parasite.

Alan: Not your turn. [Answers phone] Hello. Hey Judith what's up?...What do you mean what happened with Jake, we had a nice weekend. Well we went driving, to the movies, uh ice cream.

Charlie: Quack, rectal, suckwad!

Alan: [To Charlie] I never got my P.

Charlie: All you do is pee.

Alan: [To Judith] Nothing, just a little word game, exercise the brain. [To Charlie] Twit!

Charlie: Turd burglar!

Alan: [To Judith] Judith, I don't know what Jake's problem is. We had a terrific weekend...Huh. [To Charlie] Jake says he doesn't wanna come here anymore.

Charlie: Really why?

Alan: I don't know. [To Judith] Did he say why? Charlie and I don't bicker. I mean, no more than any other couple...of guys. [To Charlie] Right?

Charlie: Right. Ooh, ooh, ooh, you are a eunuch.

Alan: That's E, not U. Learn to spell. Useless! [to Judith] I don't know what to tell you. He's a teenager, he'll get over it...Okay, okay, buh-bye. [Hangs up] Well I hope you're happy.

Charlie: I haven't been happy in seven years.

Alan: For your information, I will not have been here seven years until next fall.

Charlie: Oh, good, circle the date on the calender so I'll know when to hang myself.

Alan: Ha ha, very funny. Because of you, Jake doesn't wanna come here anymore.

Charlie: Great, let me know what I did so I can do it to you!

Alan: You are such a...What are we up to?

Charlie: V.

Alan: Varmint! You are a varmint.

Charlie: Yeah, well...you are a vagina!

Alan: You're calling me a vagina?

Charlie: No, no, that's too good for you. What you are is...vagina adjacent.

Give Me Your Thumb [7.6]

Untainted by Filth [7.7]

Gorp. Fnark. Schmegle. [7.8]

Captain Terry's Spray-On Hair [7.9]

That's Why They Call It Ball Room [7.10]

Warning, It's Dirty [7.11]

Fart Jokes, Pie, and Celeste [7.12]

Charlie: So what's the plan?

Jake: I'm gonna finish writing her this song and then I'm gonna sing it to her.

Charlie: Ok uh, is that the entire plan?

Jake: No, I'm also gonna put on a clean shirt.

Charlie: Oh, pulling out the big guns.

Alan: You can't do this Judith, you cannot keep us apart, Herb and I will find a way to be together.

Mailman: Hi.

Alan: Hi, that must have sounded kinda strange.

Mailman: Not at all, Herb is a very handsome man.

Charlie: You know, you make it really difficult to love you sometimes.

Jake: Yeah, that's what my mom says.

Jake: I miss Celeste.

Charlie: I miss Chelsea.

Alan: I miss Herb... I mean Sex and the City, I miss Sex And The City.

Charlie: Yeah Alan, that's much less gay.

Yay, No Polyps [7.13]

Charlie: I need something cooling and soothing. You could roast a marshmallow on my anus.

Jake: You know what would be good for dessert? S'mores.

Season 8

Three Girls and a Guy Named Bud [8.01]

Charlie: An orgy requires a minimum of six people.

Alan: What?

Charlie: It goes (counting on his fingers) masturbation, one-on-one, three-some, two couple swinging, two couple swinging with a looky-loo, (holds up six fingers) orgy's six.

A Bottle of Wine and a Jackhammer [8.02]

Berta: (on how she gets people to leave) Just tell 'em you missed your period and you're out of pot.

(Alan is moving out and Charlie has helped him pack. Alan finds a box labeled "Porn & Blow-Up Doll.")

Alan: You couldn't spell "Miscellaneous"?

(Charlie has bribed Jake and Eldridge with five one-hundred dollar bills and told them to split it up any way they want.)

Eldridge: No matter how I figure it out there's gonna be one left over!

A Pudding-Filled Cactus [8.03]

Hookers, Hookers, Hookers [8.04]

The Immortal Mr. Billy Joel [8.05]

Twanging Your Magic Clanger [8.06]

The Crazy Bitch Gazette [8.07]

Springtime on a Stick [8.08]

A Good Time in Central Africa [8.09]

Ow, Ow, Don't Stop [8.10]

Dead from the Waist Down [8.11]

Chocolate Diddlers or My Puppy's Dead [8.12]

Skunk, Dog, Crap and Ketchup [8.13]

Looking For Japanese Subs [8.14]

[Jake is planning with Eldridge to make a 'Human Fart Rocket' for their show Dumbass]

Alan: What are you doing?

Jake: Fixing Eldridge something to eat.

Alan: Really?

Eldridge: Yes, I was feeling peckerish.

Alan: You mean "peckish".

Eldridge: Fine, if you wanna dicker. [Jake and Eldridge laugh]

[Jake has just performed "The Human Volcano" and thrown up on Alan]

Alan: Cool stunts!?! I-in God's name, why!?!

Jake: You've heard of Jackass?

Alan: Yeah.

Eldridge: We are Dumbass.

Alan: [Sarcastically] Really? However did you come up with that name?

Eldridge: Well we thought, what's better than Jackass?

Alan: That was kind of a rhetorical question.

Jake: It was between Dumbass and the Ass-kateers.

Alan: [Sarcastically] Really? I think you made the right call.

Jake: Think so?

Alan: Oh, yes I respect your decision. Now get this cleaned up!

Season 9

Nice to Meet You, Walden Schmidt [9.01]

Alan: I'd like to take a moment to talk about my brother and his incredible love for life.

Lydia: He also loved being spanked.

Michelle: …while wearing my panties.

Miss Pasternak: He used my panties to make tea.

Alan: [looking at the ashes on the floor] That's my dead brother.

Walden: Oh, I'm sorry I made you spill him.

Alan: That's okay, that's okay. I'll Dustbust him later.

Walden: You know what i'll get out of your way. Thank you for letting me use your phone

(Walden and Alan, in a bar, talking about Judith and Alan's divorce)

Walden: Why did she (Judith) leave you?

Alan: Not a clue, she's a crazy bitch.

Alan: So, just out of curiosity, how does someone get to be worth so much money?

Walden: Well, it's pretty simple really. You ever hear of BlunGogo.com?

Alan: No.

Walden: You never will, because Microsoft bought it from me for $1.3 Billion. Then they bundled it with their "iPod killer," the Zune.

Alan: Really? I don't think it came with my Zune.

Walden: You bought a Zune?

Alan: I had a coupon.

People Who Love Peepholes [9.02]

Walden: I love peepholes.

Alan: You know what they say: "People who love peepholes are the luckiest people in the world."

Big Girls Don't Throw Food [9.03]

Walden: Wait a minute, Why are we calling it Jake's room?

Berta: Herpes (Alan) has a kid.

Walden: Herpes Junior?

Nine Magic Fingers [9.01]

A Giant Cat Holding a Churro [9.01]

The Squat and the Hover [9.01]

Those Fancy Japanese Toilets [9.07]

(Walden and Evelyn just had sex)

Walden: Promise you won't tell Alan?

Evelyn: I gonna tell everybody.

Thank You For The Intercourse [9.08]

Frodo's Headshots [9.09]

Alan: Have you told your mother about this?

Jake: No, I was hoping you'd tell her.

Alan: Why would I tell her?

Jake: Because she already hates you and she scares the crap out of me.

Alan: How could you do this?! How could you have an affair when I'm locked up in a booby hatch?!?

Berta: I thought it was a stress clinic.

Alan: EVERYBODY KNOWS WHAT IT WAS!!! I lost my freaking mind!! But luckily, now I'm better! So I'll have the tools to cope with WHATEVER LIFE THROWS AT ME!!!

A Fishbowl Full of Glass Eyes [9.10]

What a Lovely Landing Strip [9.11]

One False Move, Zimbabwe! [9.12]

Slowly and in a Circular Fashion [9.13]

A Possum on Chemo [9.14]

[Jake and Eldridge are high]

Eldridge: It seems overly complicated.

Jake: What is?

Eldridge: Why don't they just make chips with the dip already on them?

Jake: Dude, that's a million dollar idea.

Eldridge: What is?

Jake: Pre-dipped chips.

Eldridge: Hey, that's a million dollar idea.

Jake: What's a million dollar idea?

Eldridge: It's an idea worth a million dollars.

Jake: Boy, I wish I had one of those.

The Duchess of Dull-in-Sack [9.15]

Sips, Sonnets and Sodomy [9.16]

Not in My Mouth! [9.17]

The War Against Gingivitis [9.18]

Palmdale, Ech [9.19]

Grandma's Pie [9.20]

Mr. Hose Says 'Yes' [9.21]

Why We Gave Up Women [9.22]

The Straw In My Donut Hole [9.23]

Alan: …and what pray tell is that?

Walden: That is a 46" high-definition plasma screen TV, complete with a deluxe sports satellite package.

Alan: Nice! No movies?

Walden: No, we could switch it to a movie package.

Alan: Or you could add it.

Walden: Oh, okay, we'll add it.

Alan: And don't forget the adult channels.

Walden: No problem.

Alan: You have to ask for them specifically otherwise they block them.

Walden: Right.

[...]

Lyndsey: "You got any porn on this thing?"

Alan: "Uh, gee, I, I don't know."

Lyndsey: "Why don't you check? Shake things up a bit."

Alan: "Oh, gosh, well, I, yeah, I guess I, I guess I, I-I could do that. Oh, look, there's some now. How fortuitous."

Oh Look! Al-Qaeda! [9.24]

Alan: Come on, Judith. He's your son, too. I have videotape of him shooting out of your body.

Back to Two and a Half Men

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