< Total War

Total War/Funny


  • Often caused by the generals' pre-battle speeches, which are oftentimes dependant on either your enemies or your general's Command rating. One of the most hilarious is done by a Venetian general fighting the Turks.

"Either a goat herder and his flock are lost....(mock shocked tone) or the enemy is over there!"

"They say the French are better lovers than fighters. This is true. Ask any pig, cow, or other barnyard animal!"

    • And a General with the "Awkward Speaker" trait gets hilariously bad speeches sometimes.

"So, we are all brave soldiers, uh, I think. And the enemy are over there, and they are very bad people, so I think we should go kill them! And let's not screw this up, and we won't die! Okay, men?"

      • How do you intentionally get this trait?
      • Try opening the console, then typing give_trait (character name) Boring Speaker, followed by any number from 1 to 3 depending on how severe you want the trait to be.
    • If your general is mentally unstable the speech can be down right incomprehensible.

"And remember, they may have the Moon People on their side, but we have lovely hats. Those hats will shield us from their fearsome gaze!"

    • A general with one of the "cowardly" traits will begin with the usual mighty, impressive, heroic and inspiring speech to his men, and then, right as he is about to reach the climax of his speech....

"....Snake? Snakesnakesnakesnakesnake! SNAKE! SNAKE! O MY GOD TAKE IT AWAAAAAAAAAY!"

      • His men still cheer then though.
    • A general with one of the "alcoholic" traits will end it by bitching at his men that someone drank all the ale.

"I want the pink elephants and green pixies to lead the attack. Have you seen my wife? Bloody ugly woman. Probably fighting with that lot over there- and we're buggered if she's on their side. Look, d'ya wanna fight?"

    • The scene: The pope sits before a vast cheering crowd in a cathedral. Cut to a hooded man wielding a crossbow lurking in the shadows, high above. He brings the Pope into his sights, and fires! Screams are heard below, and the assassin flees. Cut back to the pope making the sign of the cross with a bolt sticking out of his Nice Hat. Video.
    • Apart from the funny to downright stupid speeches the generals make, there are other funny moments that occur in game, for example a group of peasants charging a Legionary 1st Cohort on top of a particularly steep hill, getting absolutely butchered by them then having the remnant of the unfortunate warband being chased downhill by around 200+ angry legionaries out for blood..
      • It gets even funnier when the remnant of the warband is just one man being chased down by 1500 angry Romans.
    • While rakes in Empire only get a still image for their assassination attempt, either of the cutscenes between dueling gentlemen in Empire: Total War has a touch of dark comedy in their resolution.
      • An example. Both gentlemen spin around to fire... and both their guns don't work. One of them (the one that loses), points the gun at his face to check to it and then pulls the trigger...
      • An alternate version of the last one has the same thing, but when the second one checks his gun, the other throws his gun at the other's face and knocks him out.
    • A rather interesting example comes from a failed ninja assassination within Shogun Total War: Mongol Invasion, if you attempt to assassinate a mongol general... The ninja's end says it all.
      • This and the above video of a failed Papal assassination show that Creative Assembly really loves abusing Nice Hats.
    • Every geisha assassination video ever. There's just something hilarious at seeing a dolled-up serving girl killing people without warning in the most absurd ways.
    • The pointy end! Use the POINTY end!: When you discovered Way of the Spear
    • Failed ninja assassinations in Shogun II.
  • Your general could gain some ridiculous traits. In Rome Total War, one of such odd traits is "Hooting". The game states that your general "likes to hoot sometimes, like an owl". Sadly this doesn't come up in the general's speeches.
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