< Tom Goes to the Mayor

Tom Goes to the Mayor/Quotes



Pilots

Tom Goes to the Mayor (Pilot) [1.1]

Tom Goes to the Mayor Returns (Pilot) [1.2]

Tom: Well, I just wanna start with uh.. I am not an astronaut. I'm sorry to say.

Mayor: Greaaat!

Season 1

Bear Trap Brothers [1.3]

WWLaserz [1.4]

Mayor: Tom, what you're probably smelling is the cat food, I've been coming by every night to feed you, and since you're unconscious, I would take a dollop of the wet cat food and stick it in your mouth, and then move your jaw up and down, in a chewing motion (Tom gets nauseous).

Tom: I think I have a BM in my pants.

Mayor's nephew: Fill out your menu card and hand it to the nearest veteran.

Pioneer Island [1.5]

Tom: oh brother, my goodness, actually it's been pretty good you know? Joy and the boys have been on vacation, just really freed me up, to work on some of my writing, and it gets a little lonely sure, but you know life thats life.
Tom: oh I'm sorry i thought you been finished by now
Tom: sfew, wow
Tom: awm its Tom Peters
Tom: oh fair enough aw, actualy before i get started aw this probably a stupid qustion but is that island theme park in Jefferton?
Tom: awh hu Tom: ok we can kinda do pony rides

Toodle Day [1.6]

Rats Off to Ya [1.7]

Porcelain Birds [1.8]


Mayor: My sweet chip chips.

Vehicular Manslaughter [1.9]

Mayor and Dr. Ian Black: (doing a weird sort of handshake) Ricka ticka tick tock tick tock tock! Ring! Ringa ding ding ringa ding ding! Ricka dick rick ricka dick rick! Ringa dinga ding ding dong! Rim rim rim rim!
Mayor: Michael! How long has it been old friend?
Black: Too long, you sassy devil.
Mayor: You CRABAPPLE!
Black: You delicious horseshoe crab!
Mayor: Ohhh I'd grab you with my claws if I had any!
Black: I'd pinch you so hard!
Mayor: Ohhh... Ooohhhhhh
Black: Who's this guy? (Points at Tom)
(Tom looks very awkward)
Mayor: Oh, shoot that's Torn, Tash, Tennis, Temmes, Tango, Cash, Taaaaay....
Black: He looks like a Steven to me!
(Both of them laugh)
Mayor: Ahahaha Oooh Steven.
Black [overt sarcasm]: Hello, Steven.
Tom: Well, actually it's Tom Peters, and it's good to meet you (Extends his hand for Black to shake)
(Awkward silence as Black ignores him)
Mayor: So Michael, they tell me your a doctor of energy now.
Black: Yeah, its a great gig! You are not gonna believe the company car they just gave me.
Mayor: Not a Le Baron...
Black: A Le Baron!

(They do the handshake again, with Tom looking increasingly awkward.)
--
Funputer: Funputer does not recognise the word "who". Did you mean "horsey"?
Funputer: sorry my little friend Funputer is running low on disc space "please select a file to delete""please select a file to delete now"
Funputer: 'ha ha ha solong my sweet tiny child"

Boy Meets Mayor [1.10]

Mayor: citizens of Jefferton I know what you are thinking of this video, aw hold on can we take a take two on that, citizens of Jefferton I'm sorry for, aw uh thats not working, alright get it together, one, two, come on Jefferton its me.
Mayor: Hello Tom
Mayor: great come on in
Mayor: wow Tom thank goodness let me here them.
Mayor: awl Tom you better get that leg up.
Mayor: awl no!, why?, why?
Mayor: awl Tom what happen to your foot?
Mayor: yay but your a mess down their
Mayor: mow, mow, mow, oh no
Mayor: oh sweet sandel it will be okay, we will get you fixed up i promise.
Mayor: emergency!
Mayor: hold on a sec whare is that beautiful music coming from?
Mayor: wonderful bravo, bravo
Mayor: o but he sounds like a winged angel though
Mayor: hew what a wonderful shop
Mayor: go ahead Tom I'm all ears, ha, ha, ha, get it
Mayor: you know the deaf boy, and i said ears ha ha ha ha
Mayor: thank you sir, you made them strong i can see that, and i honor you i just wish their was a way to repay you for all the wonderful work you have done here. Mayor: absolutely not
Mayor: tsh shhh the sandelman is speaking
Mayor: ha ha ha ha ha (crying)
Mayor: ladies and gentilmen, if i may i guarantee that team mayor will win this challenge at which point i poromise to give all the prize money to this little sweet boy Shamus so he may become a strong and normal boy.
Mayor: Tom! give me some heat, up, up and away.
Mayor: bonvagea
Mayor: ha ha ha ow ,brang brang brang, ow yeah ha ha
Mayor: look Tom the great Jefferton Steeple.
Mayor: it is too gorgeous up here ha ha
Mayor: aw just smell that fresh air ha ha ha ow wow
Mayor: Tom look at it, look at it lap 100
Mayor: come on Tom you dont have to lie about it
Mayor: you wanted this mission to fail from the begiening didn't you, Tom?
Mayor: i wont do that if i were you
Mayor: ewl aw ewl aw pretty, aw pretty clouds awl owww ah Roy? is that you? how could you turn that video in, awl that was something special between you and me ah
Mayor: we did it Tom
Mayor: looks like the sandelman
Mayor: sandelman!
Mayor: we are to heavy Tom we got to beat him to the 5000 lap mark, we got to throw Seamus over board
Mayor: come on he is dead weight Tom, he hasn't helped out at all, we need to tie some sandbags around his legs to soften the fall
Mayor: Tom I'm relieving you of your post, you're know longer fit to captain this ship, come on Tom after me
Tom&Mayor: one, two, thrayyyyyyyy
Mayor: full stream ahead
Mayor: Tom give me your sandal, try this on for size(throwing)
Mayor: wow Tom, three cheers to ya, we did it
Mayor: no thank you for your great pr work budy
Mayor: aw look at him Tom
Mayor: aw poor Seamus is going to need a father now I'm really hoping you could step up to that challenge
Mayor: Seamus?(dead)

Sandalman: Shamus is deaf I'm afraid. Deaf as a door nail!

Calcucorn [1.11]

Tom: Todd shut up!!!
Todd: cut, cut, cut
Mayor: oh a movie shoot
Mayor: I heard this Calcucorn can do your taxes with the press of a button!

Gibbons [1.12]

Pipe Camp [1.13]

Tom: Too much tobacco and sexuality!
Mayor: Tom, it's Pipe Camp, live a little!

Rebirth [1.14]

Mayor: Hi I'm the Mayor, Welcome to the department of families lets get you started, please enter your 23 digit family code, followed by the 11 digit confirmation pin.

Mayor: ok, i can't find that number you entered, please make sure the number is correct and try again. or simpley speak your name, now.

Mayor: thank you Tom, I'm seeing that you have step-children, living in your shanTY, your family status has been upgraded to ILLEGAL.

Mayor: we will be holding your wife and step children, in a family holding cell until your wife and basterds are legitament.

Vice Mayor [1.15]

Mayor: It's mayyyyor's niiiight, rim dim dim dim do

Season 2

My Big Cups [2.1]

Bass Fest [2.2]

Joy: GET MY BOYS TO BASS FEST ..... NOWWWWWWWWWW!!! (room shakes from her thunderous voice)

Tom Peters: To The People Of The Future...Shoot.

Jeffy the Sea Serpent [2.3]

Mayor: I think I liked you better dead Jeffy

White Collarless [2.4]

Elevator: Welcome, CEO Tam Pietress

Wrestling [2.5]

Coach Harris (played by Gary Bucy): I have never seen a more pathetic display of female cowardice and womanly stupidity!!

Coach Harris: Damn it Brendon, what the hell is wrong with you? Have you ever thought about going home and prancing around in your mama's Sunday dress, or wearing her panties, or putting on one of those cotton ponies? You're a sissy bitch, Brendon. Just like your father.
Tom: Excuse me, coach?
Coach Harris: I've seen your father, I've seen stains in his pants that he can't explain. There's something I like about you, but it isn't being a girl in a boy's body, it's being a WRESTLER!!

Coach Harris: How dare you open your mouth around me. You piece of trash. You worthless excuse for a motherfucking equipment boy. Don't you ever tell me how to coach these boys, or I'll cut off your head and shit in your neck whistle.

Saxman [2.6]

  • Tom: Great set man, cool really cool.

Saxman: Well alright.
Tom: Uh Tom Peters here, umm I live around the area. Here bro umm I just want to tell you, you're musics wonderful.
Saxman: Well thank you brother I think your're wonderful haha.
Tom: Hahaha
Saxman: Great man
Tom: Cool (Thinking In Head: I'd give my left thumb to be this guy's manager). Ah man you must be making a killing out here with these great tunes right bro?
Saxman: I'm a little bit done on my luck. To tell you the truth I..you know they kicked me out of house and home because of this damn waterbed galleria.
Tom: Uh what do you mean, you live here on the boardwalk?
Saxman: Yeah bro it's a real bummer.
Tom: Uh that doesn't sound fair.
Saxman: A waterbed doesn't anybody who wants a waterbed have one already, that's my take on it. Haha ahh damn.
Tom: Ahh well tell you what Saxman, I may have a quick fix uhh my wife is out of town right now visiting her ex-husband, eh shoots she really doesn't like me having men stay over.
Saxman: Oh boy
Tom': Well uh I can set you up in my son's pup tent you know, for a while umm you know what? I can go ahead and talk to the mayor about getting a relocation plan together I guess.
Saxman: Ah that is so sweet man that is so good of you.


  • Mayor: Wow Lou, I gotta tell you this is just one heck of a.

Lou: Hahaha Oh baby I knew you were a waterbed man.
Mayor: I certainly am.
(Both laugh)
Tom: Oh I'm sorry, should've knocked.
Mayor: No it's fine Lou is just installing my new waterbed here.
Tom: Alright well, I'll just come on back here tomorrow.
Lou: Alright get your ass over here and take this bitch for a test drive.
Tom: Oops
Lou: Easy there. Ok. One two.
Tom: That's good thank you.
Mayor: It's just like an amusement park ride Tom.
Tom: Umm getting a little seasick here.
Lou: Hahah
Mayor: Ah that was fun. Thanks for stopping by.
Tom: Um I'm sorry. I actually have a problem I'd like to discuss.
Mayor: Great I love problems
Tom: Well um I'm managing a musican here and um he's actually being forced to evacuate because of Lou's Waterbed Galleria.
Mayor: (Sings) I'd like to hear that CD-R. (Spoken) Mmmm Tom you've got something special here.
Tom: He actually plays the windchism himself on that track.
Mayor: Oh boy. Listen to that melody.
Lou: Wow this is really awful guys.
Mayor: Lou you gotta be kidding me here. Uh this music is just beautiful. Hes just gotta play at your waterbed grand opening.
Tom: Oh ah ok. It's not really what I had in mind but uh yeah I'm sure we'd be interested in playing live. Uh as long as Lou doesn't have problem with it.
Lou: Lou come on now tot da tot the saxophone. Honka honka the saxophone. Tip-aty tip-aty top saxophone a go honka honka I don't like it.
Mayor: I'm sorry Tom I just don't think Lou can visualize the power of the saxman with just a CD-R.
Tom: Hmm let me think, alright well this is just a brainstorm.
Mayor: Ok
Tom: But ahh what if I directed a video of the saxman that way we could show.
Mayor: Mmmmmmm Mm Mmm (Whispers) I love it.


  • Tom: (sighs) Alright here we go again. Now Saxman just try and focus with me here. Action!

Saxman: Ahh cut. Cuuuut!
Tom: Wha..what's wrong now Saxman?
Saxman: Well I'm just used to playing with my shirt off you know. The shirt is just confining, I just have such wind when I when I blow that I need to. Can I. Bust out.
Tom: Yeah I guess. Let's get some shirtless takes haha. Let's roll again.
Saxman: Roll again.
Tom: Back to one.
Saxman: Ok....Cut cut cut cut.
Tom: Ahhh what is it now Saxman?
Saxman: I just feel uncomfortable.
Tom: Why?
Saxman: Well I think it's that I'm the only one with my shirt off now and that puts me totally out of balance with the flow and vibe of the mood and I'm trying to bring it, you see and it's not being brought.
Tom: Ahhh.
Saxman: Would you take your shirt off to. Just to keep me company.
Tom: Uhh ok. (Tom removes his shirt)
Saxman: Great. (An awkward pause ensues) (Tom covers up his exposed chest)


  • 'Mayor: Wow Tom this is really what I had in mind. Great video, great directing.

Tom: Well thanks. Thank you very much.
'Mayor: But the shows over.
Tom: What!
Mayor: Well I've been thinking about this and it's just really doesn't make sense for your saxman to play at Lou's grand opening. I mean we'd actually like someone to sing about Lou's waterbeds and promotional offers. Your guy's mouth will be tied up due to tooting on his horn.
Tom: Huh Well I mean ahh. Let me just throw this out at ya. I mean I could if I get some brochures together, educate myself on waterbeds maybe I could write some lyrics for saxman and uh you know I could sing 'em.
Mayor: Mmmmmm mmm mmm mmm. You know I love the sound of your singing voice Tom.


  • Tom: (In his bedroom, singing to himself) If we don't ask for you costum (clears throat) If we don't ask for your customer code your waterbed will be 10 percent off oooff ff.

(Gasps)
Saxman: Hey
Tom: Oh geez Saxman, you scared me. Oh man what um why aren't you outside in your pup tent?
Saxman: Oh it's so cold out there brother. It's frosty.
Tom: Wait a minute Saxman, what's that on your legs there?
Saxman: I found these tiny pants in this totally fun room.
Tom: Those are Brendin's Saxman. My son's that's my step-son's room your fiddling around in.
Saxman: Whoa whoa man, dude. Chill out, where's the anger coming from?
Tom: I'm sa..
Saxman: Is this the way you treat a partner?
Tom: Just really stressed out, got our concert tomorrow and and you know. I'm not exactly getting the luck of the draw with these lyrics here.
Saxman: I have just the thing to calm you down my brother. (He pushes Tom down into the bed with his foot) Yeah get all snuggled down there. Tom: Saxman.. h-hold on a second-
Saxman: Shhhhh. Let my sax notes massage your soul brother. (he plays his Soprano Sax in Tom's face, a colorful sleeping gas billows out) Sleep baby.. sleep.


  • Tom: Ok here we go. Alright let's take it from the top. 1,2,3,4 (singing) You're guaranteed to sleep. If we don't ask for you customer code, your second mattress is half-

Saxman: Half off.
Tom: Right. Maybe you-
Saxman: Half off..
Tom: can do a C sharp
Saxman: See, you're a half step off on the half off. (laughs)
Tom: Just trying to-
Saxman: Half off.
Tom: Yeah you're probably right. Uh, let me just make a note of that here. Ah, shoot I'm working on the bass cleft here. You know what Saxman? Let's take five. Um, there's actually something I wanted to get off my chest since this morning. Did you and your friends happen come in the house and have some kind of jazz jam last night?
Saxman: What in how? No I slept like a baby right out there in my pup tent.
Tom: Uh, that's weird. Just, uh, it's nothing.. There's just..there's some piles of BM in my bedroom and just uhh, something I don't know. You know what? Forget it. Let's take it from the top. 2,3,4. If we don't ask for your customer code...
Saxman: Cut cuuuut. It's not working man. It's just not working.
Tom:Aww, we'll get there, come on. You know we just need to rhyme some of these words. I haven't (sighs) Let's see what rhymes with consumer price rebate.
Saxman: No no. It's not that your rhyming like diamond. It's just that, my lips are all chapped. I need to wet 'em up. Darn!
Tom: What is it?
Saxman: Well the best way is to kiss something for a while, you know. Just to moisten up my lips.
Tom: Ooh..kay..?
Saxman: Oh Tom, I wouldn't ask you if I knew another way, but you know we're burning studio time here.
Tom: Oh I see your sayin'. You wanna ..wanna kiss me?
Saxman: Well it's not so much that I want to but it's my chops, you know they need to touch another man's lips to bring them back to life.
Tom: Oh, alright. I guess a kiss on the mouth between friends can't hurt. (Tom and Saxman ease in slowly for a kiss)
(As soon as their lips touch, Joy and her children burst through the front door, witnessing the event)
Joy: Ahhhh!!
Tom: Joy! Your're back!
(Brindon takes several photos)
Brindon: My step dad, and some man in our kitchen.
(He places the photos in "Brindon's Memory Book")


  • Tom: Tom Peter's phone.

Mayor: Tom, it's me. Where the heck are you?
Tom: Uhhh I'm at home, I..I got grounded.
Mayor: Ooo that sucks. I wish you could have seen The Saxman he was great.
Tom: Oh
Mayor: Yeah
Tom: He made it
'Mayor: haha
Tom: I didn't know if he was going to make it.
Mayor: He sold about...eight or nine cd's. I mean he made a huge profit out of the show.
Tom: Oh..well we're not really working together anymore. Joy doesn't really want me, you know, hanging around with him, so.
Mayor: Well that's a bummer. How long are going to be grounded for?
Tom: Uh..uh probably a couple of weeks.
Mayor: Ehh
Tom: Hows the..hows the grand opening. Everything.
Mayor: Yeah it was great Gimball Twins are playing now.
Tom: Oh, uhh no I wish I could see them. I love the Gimball Twins.
Mayor: Yeah they're hilarious.
Tom: So umm. Well I should probably get off the phone.
'Mayor: Can you use the internet?
Tom: No, not really,br> 'Mayor: Mmm, alright well.
Tom: I'll talk to you later.
Mayor: Ok you can call later.
Tom: bye.

Spray a Carpet or Rug [2.7]


Tom: What about my family? My friend said something about life insurance?

Mayor: Sorry, Buddy...

Surprise Party [2.8]

Gibbons: That sword is soooo awesome. Pretty good bargain for $800. nnaaaaaannnd I'm pretty sure it comes with an emerald sheath. _________________________________________________________________________________

Mayor: Okay lets see... party is a category C, small child, .. suprise party oh i love those! accessories... no. party for..? gibbons!? GIBBONS!!!!!!!!!!!

CNE [2.9]

  • Mayor: It's what we like to call Irritable Semen Syndrome. That would explain the burning and the rash.


  • Doctor: Well there's really two ways to treat CNE. The first and easist is the simply examine your relationship with your wife.

Joy: Well that's not going to happen.
Doctor: And the other alternative is to perform emergency testicular surgery which would be quite intentsive and painful. I'm talking balls painful.


  • Tom: Hi, I'm Tom Peters and for years I've not been able to control my unpleaseant and embrassing CNE but thanks to taking Provolanaproxalidamine-C, five times per day. My sheets, my bed, and my wife are all dry again.


  • Dr. Michael: Hey Mayor, your boyfriend's getting out of control.


  • Tom: Ahhh would you just go to hell!


  • Dr. Ian Black: Steven, I've been reviewing your charts and I think I may have a solution for your sticky problem.

Tom: Uh, first off, it's Tom Peters here, and I'm.. I'm sorry did you say you had access to my medical records?
Mayor: Of course he does Tom, Michael is a medical doctor. He's also the official rep for Provo-C.
Tom: Uh, I'm just not sure what, you know, what that is.

Friendship Alliance [2.10]

John C. Riley: Yeah, like a garbage can before you wash it out. How'd you know?

Zoo Trouble [2.11]

The Layover [2.12]

Couple's Therapy [2.13]

Glass Eyes [2.14]

Undercover [2.15]

Mayor: You've been a naughty boy. (taps hand with ruler)

Tom: Ok Mayor, I think we can drop the façade

Mayor: Get your ass up on my desk right now?

Tom: Darn, fair enough.

Mayor: Time for a spanking little boy.

Puddins [2.16]

  • Tom: (crying in fetal position on the floor of The Mayor's office) I want my son back!

Puddin's clerk: Get on ovah to sample town!!

  • Tom: This is gonna be delicious are they, Friends?
  • Tom: Mayor.

Mayor: Security, there's a baboon in my office.

Tom: No, i'm just...i'm just want of making a pajama pudding party.

Joy's Ex [2.17]

Songs

Bear Trap Song

Jack Black: Traps all day and traps all night. Traps can snap and rip and bite. Put a bear trap here, put a bear trap there. Traps can go most everywhere.

Kyle: Traps all day and traps all night. Me love traps with all my might.

Jack Black: You can set it and forget it.

Kyle: But don't ever let it get you in the arm. Oh, no.

Jack Black: It happened long ago.

Kyle: Careful with that trap in tow.

Jack Black: You know, traps are real and forged in steel. Pappy taught me on the trapping wheel. These bear traps. She be my master. (The Mayor laughs from the audience) They clink and clank like a stab from a shank. Suddenly, there hence a stank. It was I. (Kyle sniffs) What a disaster.

City Council Dolls: Child safety is our code.

Jack Black & Kyle: Put some bear traps in the road.

City Council Dolls: Never shall we fear or fight.

Jack Black & Kyle: We guarantee they'll snap real tight. (Music swells) Well, you must admit that it's a real man's trade. We'll admit that it's a real man's trade.

Tom: (spoken) Ok, cue the balloons. (Balloons fall down)

Jack Black & Kyle: It's a real man's trade. We'll admit that it's a real man's trade. (All the City Council Members hold up "Yes" signs) Admit it's a fair trade.


Lou's Waterbed's Song

(From the Ending Credit of Saxman)

  • Tom: You're guaranteed to sleep. If we don't ask for your customer code, the savings will be passed on to you. Free delivery for any double bed set. Guaranteed to sleep!

Joy Peters

  • (when Tom sugests she take her kids to the hospital, [after suffering heart attacks])You DARE you tell me how to raise my F-in kids! They came outta 'MY' *BLEEP*!
  • (Eating a "Gulliver's Buffet Breakfast Trough", moaning in ecstasy) Oh, I loves my eggs and sausage links!

Tom Peters

  • [The Calcucorn has just "calculated" 8 + 8 to be 19] No, no . . . hmm . . . Well, let me crunch some numbers here. [Tom writes "8 + 8" on scratch paper.] Ah, shirt! It should be more around 16!
  • ["Shirt" is Tom's substitute for "shit".]

The Mayor

  • "It's the red pasta the I-talians call SPAGHEEETTEH"
  • "Safe at Last"
  • Per chance some poetry, before a fortnight.
  • Tom, what you're probably smelling is the cat food, I've been coming by every night to feed you, and since you're unconscious, I would take a dollop of the wet cat food and stick it in your mouth, and then move your jaw up and down, in a chewing motion (Tom gets nauseous).
  • Oh-h-h, you wouldn't belive this show, they have kitten jugglers, exotic pie tasters, people with different or strange hair cuts
  • Clue #4: "We use these noodles for lo mein, but not for spaghetti."

Terry

  • "My inhaler!" (tosses a brick at Toms head and knocks him out for 2 weeks)
  • "I live in a house with a front door and a back door"
  • "I've been testing the sound system and the lasers!"
  • "You look like my friend's dad, he's poor and smells like salmon!"
  • "Welcome to WW Laserz! The show is about to begin. Please give your pizza topping card to the nearest veteran!"
  • "You have an ugly neck."
  • "I farted in your car."
  • "What is this a toy car?"

Zynx

  • "ARG! Zynx has been beaten by scheduling!"

The Milstead rocks.

Others

Mayor: What's the matter tom? Tom: Well, you see- Mayor: HO! HO! HO!


[The Mayor watches "Scared Safe," a TV Program] Mike Foxx: (on TV) My name is Mike Foxx, and I've lost 13 of my own children--4 to wind poisoning, 2 to sand rash... The Mayor: Oh. Mike Foxx: (on TV) ...5 to deadly crickets, and at least 6 to a mysterious drifter who looks and sound like this guy. (A picture of the Mysterious Drifter pops up who looks like Mike Foxx in disguise) Mysterious Drifter: (on TV) This is the sound of my voice. The Mayor: Oh, no.


[Tom shows The Mayor a picture of his family] The Mayor: Tom, that looks like a lot of fun. And look at those boys. Tom: Ok. The Mayor: They look just like you. Tom: Well, um, they're not actually mine. They're from Joy's previous marriage, but-- The Mayor: Ooh. Oh. Tom: Umm.. The Mayor: How, how do you mean? Tom: Well they're not really my own but, you know, I treat them like my own... The Mayor: Oh Tom: ...in a lot of ways.

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