The Venture Bros./Quotes
"Love never blows up and gets killed."
Season One
Hank and Dean: "He started it!
Dr. Venture: " No, I started it years ago in a moment of passion! And I'll end it the same way right here in front of Brock, H.E.L.P.eR., and God!
Brock: "Now, I want you to put your hand around your throat, Hank.
Hank: "Uhh...alright.
Brock: "That tube you feel is your trachea. Think of it as a handle. Your thumb is on your carotid artery, that's your button. Now remember, grab the handle, push the button. Repeat that back.
Hank: " (gasping) Grab the handle, push the...
Brock: "Let go of your own throat, Hank.
The Monarch: "Well, Hank, what's it like to be a... liar? Huh? You like being a liar with pants constantly on fire?
Tiny Attorney: "Objection, your honor, leading.
The Monarch: "I'll rephrase that: Hank, are you a liar?
Hank: "No sir, I don't think so.
The Monarch: "Yes you are!
Dean: "You're the liar!
The Monarch: "And may I remind you, that I am rubber and you are glue and whatever you say bounces off of me and sticks to you.
Brock: "No, Dean, this is Guild business, your father isn't in any harm. Guild work is clean, professional. It's surgical with them. In a way they're the only organization I still respect.
Hank: "And they kill clean, don't let dames get in the way.
Brock: "Honestly, Hank, where do you pick that stuff up? I never see you read.
Dean: "It's weird, right?
Brock: "It's like he channels dead crazy people.
Hank: "You think it's a cry for help?
The Monarch, in a Scared Straight Program: "You're probably wondering why you're here, YOU'RE HERE BECAUSE YOU DONE FUCKED UP TOO MANY TIMES! You think you're hot shit in a champagne glass, but you're really cold diarrhea in a dixie cup! And if you keep like you've been doin', this is where heading.
Kid 1: (snickering)
The Monarch: "Oh, that's funny to you right? Cause you so fuckin bad? I know your type. You think, "I'll just get me a costume and rip off the neighborhood kids." Next thing you know you've got a jet shaped like a skull with lasers on the front.
Kid 2: "This is totally gay.
'The Monarch: "What?! You think this is gay, huh? Is that what you fucking said, you scrawny piece of shit? Oh, this isn't gay! But King Gorilla over there is, and I'll bet he can't wait to break off a piece of your dick in his ass! (King Gorilla makes kissing lips)'
The Monarch: "You - get up! I SAID GET THE FUCK UP! What's your name?
Dean: "Dean Ven...
The Monarch: "YOUR NAME IS BITCH! And I own you. YOU'RE PROPERTY! And when I'm tired of having sex with every hole God drilled in your slender frame - King Gorilla, you got a cigarette? There, I just sold you for a cigarette, and I don't smoke! *Beat It dawns on the Monarch that "Bitch" was Dean* Holy Shit! You're Dean fucking Venture! King, I gotta buy my bitch back. Here's your cigarette.
King Gorilla: Fuck you, give me a dollar!
Season Two
Phantom Limb (to Brock): "I have removed the bullet. And three others, a blowgun dart, two shark's teeth, a tip of a bayonet, a twisted paperclip, and a meager handful of buckshot. You may want to learn how to duck.
Hunter Gathers (to Brock): "Lesson number one: trust no one. The minute God crapped out the third caveman, a conspiracy was hatched against one of them. Get up, damn you! (throws Brock a jetpack) Strap 'er on kid, your training starts now. When I'm through with you, you'll be a member of the elite agency that's been thanklessly defending this big-ass country since the second American Revolution.... the invisible one. Welcome to the Office of Secret Intelligence, Samson!
Brock: "(sigh) So. No women, no children —
Hunter: "No women, no children. Them's rules. Seperates us from the baddies.
Brock: "But what if she's an enemy agent?
Hunter: "Uh-uh.
Brock: "An assassin?
Hunter: "No.
Brock: "A double-agent assassin who just killed the President.
Hunter: "No sir. Non-lethal takedown only. President killed the president anyway, you know that.
Brock: "Oh. Hey, how about, you know, uh... a lady Dracula?
Hunter: "You mean, le vampyr? Nosferatu?
Brock: "I guess.
Hunter: "Undead. Not technically a woman in that regard, so you got no beef there. Also, fictitious. (Brock lifts a baguette to his mouth) Do not eat that, it's C4!
Osiris Priest: "Give me the Hand of Osiris!
Dr. Venture: "Give me head.
Osiris Priest: "You didn't just say that!
Dr. Venture: "I absolutely did. What are you gonna do about it?
Osiris Priest: "I'm... about to kill your sons.
Dr. Venture: "Join the club!
Osiris Cultist: "Ooh yeah, of course, OIL. Yeah, it makes sense now. Thought you told me to fill it with hot voile.
Osiris High Priest: "Wh-What the hell is voile?
Osiris Cultist: "It's a soft, sheer fabric. I warmed some up in the dryer.
Osiris High Priest: "What the.. are you insane? What kind of torture is that? Get out of here! I'm serious, I don't even want to LOOK at you any more!
Brock: "Hank, you and Caligula keep up the rear. (Caligula moans happily and hugs Hank) On second thought, you and Freud should do it. Caligula, you take the second wave alone. Ready Dean?
Dean: "Woah, steady, Perfect Man. Ready Brock!
Brock: "When the gates open me, Poe, and me, (pointing to himself from the past) rush in. You got that?
Prof. Richard Impossible: "You see, Dr. Venture, I found the piece your father hid in the foundation years ago. Then I thought about you in physics class. You were a daydreamer, a sass-mouth, and, not infrequently, a bit of a gigglepuss. Somehow I doubt twenty years of amphetamines and failure have done anything to improve that.
Prof. Impossible: "Please! This is important!
Sally Impossible: "What could be more important than your family, Richard?
Prof. Impossible: "Ssssssscience?
The Monarch: " (sighing) Jollyrancher82, never get henchmen.
Jollyrancher82: "You know, that's not my real name.
The Monarch: "Well, how was I supposed to know? I used my real name.
Jollyrancher82: "I just thought, you know... "The Monarch," I thought you were into cosplay...
The Monarch: "Real name! And I am into costumed business, not costumed play."
Dr. Killinger: "The Venture problem is very volatile. We must approach it with caution, but first we need to address other drastic issues. The floating cocoon is in bad need of..."
#24: "The cocoon's fine! I think the problem is you!"
#21: "He's right! Yeah, everybody just thinks you're sooo great, but you're just sooo not!"
#24: "Yeah! Who do you think you are?"
#21: "I mean, come on! This guy just waltzes in here with his huge baby-bearing hips and he starts changing everything."
Dr. Killinger: "That's not fair. I never chose my figure."
#21: "You can silence me but there will be others. Semper Fidelis Tyrannosaurus!
Dr. Killinger: "It's Sic Semper Tyrannis. You said, "Ever faithful terrible lizard."
#21: "I did? Cool.
Brock: "Yeah, he was just this guy... guy in a butterfly suit who got in over his head. And I could see it in his eyes that if I let him get away this one time he'd never come back...but then, I also thought...y'know...Kill 'im.
Shaman: "Quanto! (Begins to Mumble)"
Shaman's Interpreter: "Wuh - one time, I am in the Amazon, on my canoe, and I see, swim, the dolphin, the, uh, the beautiful dolphin, so I slip out of my canoe, and I grab her, this...fish...and, uh, then I fucked it... the fish!"
Brock: "The hell's that got to with anything?"
Shaman: "Kayho Hadaile!"
Shaman's Interpreter: "Hot dolphin!"
Dream Hunter: "What is all this namby-pamby feel bad about good wet work bullshit?! You're beyond good and evil, Superman! You work for the government."
Brock: "What about uhhh, humanity and empathy and all that garbage?"
Dream Hunter: "Who cares? You're going to special ops heaven."
Brock: "Really?"
Dream Hunter: "Really! And it's god damned great! The G-Man Valhalla! There's trim and guns everywhere. And we eat steak flavored clouds and poop secrets!"
Season Three
Recorded Voice: "Please do not be alarmed. We are about to engage... the Nozzle. Please do not move while... the Nozzle is engaging. Moving will disrupt calibration of... the Nozzle. Please wait while we calibrate... the Nozzle. Please do not look away from... the Nozzle. The Nozzle is now calibrating. (long pause) The Nozzle is still calibrating. The Nozzle has completed calibration. Thank you." (withdraws into wall)
Billy Quizboy: "What the Hell was that?"
Col. Hunter Gathers: "I have no idea..."
Dr. Venture: "We're going to use The Buddy System. The person seated next to you is your buddy. Everyone say, 'Hi, buddy!'"
Boys: "Hi, buddy!"
Dr. Venture: "If you touch something that melts your fingers off, tell your buddy! If you get a face-full of burning hydroflouric acid, it's your buddy who drags you to one of the many eye wash stations!"
The Monarch: "I had true hatred with Venture. I didn't have to fake it! That sweet loathing just poured out of me whenever I saw his pathetic face. I just...I just wanted to kick his ass! I wanted to build a machine to kick his ass! I wanted to build an empire to house the machine TO KICK HIS ASS!"
Henchman 24: "Then, by God, let's go take a dump in his pool!"
Dr. Venture: This is gonna be one of those things, isn't it?
Brock: Uh-huh.
Dr. Venture: I mean, you get a bunch of short-fused, costumed idiots together in one room like this, and what do you think's gonna happen? Any minute now, stuff's gonna start blowing up, guys'll be throwing each other at other guys."
Brock: Yeah, probably.
Dr. Venture: You know, when you're not the one in the middle of it all for once, it's actually totally, completely obvious.
Brock: Welcome to my life.
Brock: "Aww no fuckin' way! Late 60's ultra death ray! She's amazing! Saddle operated with Doom Co. gearing. Freakin' gorgeous."
Mr. Cardholder: "If this were a woman, I'd marry it."
Mr. Doe: "And I'd jeopardize our friendship by nailing your hot wife."
Mr Doe: "Jonas Venture Jr?"
Jonas Venture Jr: "I am. And who are the dead men I'm speaking to?"
Mr Doe: "That's a joke."
Mr Cardholder: "Regular cut-up."
Mr Doe: "Should give him a reality show."
Mr Cardholder: "I'd watch it."
Mr Doe: "I'd watch it twice."
Mr Cardholder: "Even if Flava Flav was in it."
Henchman 21: "You still don't get it. 24 and I have been on, like, a thousand missions. We've been shot at, dipped in acid...
Henchman 24: "Brock Samson hit me with a car. Drove right into my kidney. Here I am!"
Henchman 21: "Yeah, we can walk across this floor and nothing would hit us. But then like this huge log would swing down and take your head off."
Henchman 24: "Hey, here; what's your name?"
Henchman 1: "Henchman number 1."
Henchman 24: "See, you are nameless."
Henchman 1: "I'm Scott Hall, my name is Scott Hall. Okay?"
Henchman 24: "No, won't help."
Henchman 21: "Yeah, now it's just pathos. So you're dying in my lap and I'm all 'Scott! Scott don't you quit on us! Don't you dare!!' "
Henchman 24: "You just made your unavoidable death more pathetic."
Season Four
Action Johnny: "You're going to tell me that you didn't send your flunky to murder our therapist with a a Vietnamese two-step Viper?"
Dr. Z:"BAH! When Dr. Z harasses you, you'll know it! A giant metal crab will tear the roof of your trailer! No less than six suicide assassins would spring from its belly! I would never stoop to striking at you through some civilian proxy. And certainly would not do it with a made up snake!"
Dr. Girlfriend: "Monstroso? That's what this is about? He's the king of the double cross. I mean, think about it, he's lawyer and a super villian. That's like a shark with a grenade launcher on its head."
Col. Gathers: "Damn it Shore Leave, you’ve ruined another outfit. Think Betsy Ross works here? I’m the one who has to sew this back together, you clown."
(Brock begins to laugh)
Col. Gathers: "What are you laughing at, Mr. Blood stains on everything?"
Brock: "You know that he rips those himself. He just tears it off like a Chip’n’Dales fireman, every time."
Col. Gathers: "Good god, why?"
Shore Leave: "For one, because it looks super-cool."
Col. Gathers: "You’re an infant."
The Monarch: "Honey, they're henchmen. You don't explain to them, they do your bidding. When you say "jump", they say, "what shark?""
Col. Gathers: "Wipe their pink little minds and send them back home, like I told you."
Brock: "They discover us every other week. I can’t keep doing that, its starting to make them buggy. Listen to this. Dean, what day is today?"
Dean: (immediately) "Sagittarius."
Brock: (slowly) "Good! Now Hank, what color is my tongue?"
Hank: "It’s kind of... Wednesday! Like a light Wednesday."
Col. Gathers: "Ohh, that poor woman has the saddest tits. Damn depressing."
Brock: "Right? Yeah, they're like The Notebook sad."
Col. Gathers: "Her tits are like "coming home from school and finding out that your old man ran over your cat" sad."
Brock: "Mournful. She has mournful tits. They're like two suicide notes stuffed in a glitter bra."
Col. Gathers: "Those things are like a little kid with progeria cracking all his ribs trying to catch a Nerf ball—just sad. Damn it, she has gloomy tits!"
Brock: "It's like she put a dollar's worth of change into some old socks and then taped them to her chest."
Col. Gathers: "I want to build two little caskets and give her tits a tasteful, dignified funeral."
General Treister: "I want notes, lists and answers by the time I finish this here Juicy Box! Warning: I am thirst-ay! And it is fruit punch! And it is delicious!"
Dr. Orpheus: "I presume you are the Rusty's Ego?"
Ego: "You got it. And the little guy's Eros, the jerk who made the Rusty join Match.com."
Eros: "He's got to at least try to get some loving."
Ego: "And the one with the umbrella is Thanatos, the jerk who made the Rusty quit Match.com."
Thanatos: "Hey, many of these women could be murderous gold diggers, or, at the very least, carriers of chlamydia."
Col. Gathers: "We have no secrets here. When men live and work together, it's imperative that there are no secrets. I miss my breasts! Inside of me, there's a woman screaming to be heard."
Mile High: "I hit a dog with my car last week, but told the owner I found him like that."
Brock: "I once jerked off twelve times in one day just to see if I could."
SPHINX Agent: "I had an erotic dream about Henry Rollins last night, and I'm straight as an arrow."
Shore Leave: "Remember that smell I told you was the garbage? That was my ass. I had chicken tandoori for lunch."
Col. Gathers: "What the hell happened here?"
Agent Doe: "That's none of your concern, Mister Gathers."
Col. Gathers: "That's Colonel Gathers to you, suit!"
Agent Cardholder: "Oh, yeah? Well, in that case, I'm President Cardholder, and this is my associate, Emperor Doe."
Agent Doe: "GOD Emperor Doe!"