So Bad It's Horrible/Fanfic A-D

Important Note: Merely being offensive in its subject matter is not enough to justify a work as So Bad It's Horrible. Hard as it is to imagine at times, there is a market for all types of deviancy (no matter how small a niche it is). It has to fail to appeal even to that niche to qualify as this. Any descriptions that fail to imply anything but offensiveness will be deleted.

Corollary: Quite a bit of this fanfiction will either be Not Safe For Work, Not Safe For Life, or a combination of the two. You have been warned.

What happens when you combine writing with a word processor and an internet connection? This happens.

• Angel of Death (rude author, Beige Prose, Self Insert, Black Hole Sue, Jerk Sue, Rape as Drama, Moral Event Horizon crossing, Double-Line-Cross Failure, Rouge Angles of Satin, Sick and Wrong, Idiot Plot, Wanton Cruelty to the Common Comma, PWP without porn, Draco in Leather Pants) Since that site occasionally goes offline, three parts of a MST are here, here, and here.
  • Fandom: Technically Real Person Fic.
  • Pairing: Mary Sue / Josef Mengele.
  • Synopsis: Micki (or Miki — consistent spelling is not its strong point) is caught harboring a Jewish family and carted off to Auschwitz. After being raped by a guard, she's taken in by the good doctor Mengele and sets off a "torrid" affair that predates Twilight in its creepiness (the fact she displays no emotion whatsoever amps up this to Eleven). Along the way she burns a room full of innocent Jewish people while getting back at the guard that attacked her, and she and Mengele fight/break up/make up many times. In the end she's abandoned, goes insane, and is gunned down while trying to leave the camp.
  • Comments: This is one of the "Golden Oldies" from the GodAwful Fanfiction Forum, just say "Josef Mengele Mary Sue" and many people will know exactly which fic you mean. As if the subject matter wasn't Squicktacular enough, the author's "Disclaimer" at the end shows an unbridled arrogance:

As an "author", I try to take what you might see as a BAD situation and turn it into a GOOD thing. A "romantic" thing, if you will. I will try to take the worst, most appalling things imaginable, and, (if I write the story to the best of my ability), actually make you wish you were there.

• • • Clearly, the author failed at that...

• Chibi Usa's 7th Birthday. (explicit sex including pedophilia and parent/child incest, brutal rape, and a lot of physical impossibility)
  • Fandom: Sailor Moon.
  • Pairing: Chibi-Usa / absolutely everyone, plus random pairings in the background.
  • Synopsis: All the Sailors and Tuxedo Mask (her father) decide to give Chibi-Usa a "special" birthday celebration.
  • Comments: One of the classic contenders for worst fanfic ever written back in the late nineties. Along with the brutality (the crying, the bleeding), the sheer anatomical impossibility of most of what's described (has the author seen a human being, ever?), and the fact that by the end, she likes it, there's spelling and punctuation errors, terrible formatting, and the robotic description of what gets stuck where when... Now we know what you're thinking — "Oh, it's just a badly-written porn fic. I can handle it." No, you can't. You really can't. Don't read it as a joke, don't read it out of curiosity, don't try to MST it with your friends — don't read it. Ever.

• The Chronicles of Sono Asahina (Beige Prose, Self Insert Copy Cat Sue, attention drawn to the breasts of young female characters, and horrible formatting.
  • Fandom: Haruhi Suzumiya.
  • Pairings: None yet, but this fic is just getting started...
  • Synopsis: Mikuru's sister, who is named for the writer's screenname, attends North High where she learns that her sister is a time traveler.
  • Comments: This fic is so mind-numbingly boring that it is quite possibly the only fanfic in history to be added to this page the day it was published. Only a few chapters are up so far, the first of which is just a profile of the information about the OC but its sheer dullness makes it deserve a spot on this Wall Of Shame. The main character, an obvious Self Insert, is the sister of Mikuru, and shares traits with Itsuki and Yuki. What those traits are have not yet been revealed, but there is very little that they could be that would not make the protagonist into a complete Mary Sue. It is already clear from the very beginning that the writer has no ability to compose a sentence or even capitalize properly, as Every Word Which Is Not an Article, Conjunction, or Preposition Is Capitalized. The Beige Prose rivals that of the legendary TuxedoMark (see Mobile Suit Gundam Tournament, further down, for an example of the latter's work) and the author seems determined to retell the series with her character present, playing out every scene from the anime the way it was in the original, but without all the elements that made the anime great. The chapters are more like disjointed one-shots which happen to succeed each other, there is no real plot, and the most recent two chapters take the form of text message conversations. To top it all off, there is some Fridge Logic inherent in the premise. If both Sono and Mikuru are time travelers assigned on the same mission, then shouldn't the former know that the latter will be at her school? Why are two time travelers even needed in the first place? And lastly, why does Sono seem to want to be molested by Haruhi?
  • It gets worse. Sono is apparently not only able to reveal details of the future, but she is supposed to inform Haruhi about who she is. And Haruhi believes her! Instantly! Mikuru has officially been rendered useless.
  • and it is now being sporked!

• Cloud Mows the Lawn (protective MST here) (bad writing, failed logic, explicit sex, scat)
  • Fandom: Final Fantasy VII
  • Pairings: Cloud/Tifa/turd
  • Synopsis: Cloud mows the lawn with Tifa watching him. She gets so engrossed in watching him that she craps on the floor. Then he comes in and discovers that he likes scat, too. Sex ensues.
  • Comments: Possibly the most dramatic case of a Non-Indicative Name in the history of fanfic: the fic starts with Cloud mowing the lawn but progresses in such a way that the reader wishes it had stayed there. Cloud simply mowing the lawn would have been boring as hell, but it wouldn't have been Cloud Mows the Lawn - and this would have been a good thing. This isn't just included for the Squick; it's poorly written, and the set-up could hardly be more illogical and contrived. Who takes a dump while watching their lover mow the lawn and thereby discovers a scat fetish?
    • The crazy thing is, it doesn't even promote scat well! It almost looks like a satire of scat porn... as if that needed to be satirized. Seriously, "Gassy poo"? And it's a twenty-year-old woman in the story saying it! What.
    • It says something when even Bennet The Sage says it's utterly disgusting.
    • Aerith comes back to life in one chapter just to squat down and crap next to Tifa. It's an odd reason to rise from the dead.

• The Coming of Munihausen, by The Great Red Serpent (explicit sex, Gorn, Canon Defilement, Character Derailment, Naughty Tentacles. necrophilia, bad writing, more rape than you can shake a stick at, crossover)
  • Fandom: Sailor Moon/Urotsukidoji crossover
  • Pairings: Thirty Stu Pileup/all of the Senshi
  • Synopsis: Faust wants to steal the Ginzuishou so he can kill the Overfiend and take his place. To do this, he drags the Sailor Senshi, Mamoru, and Chibi-Usa into the future. Sex, mayhem, and Naughty Tentacles ensue.
  • Comments: This fic is a crossover between Sailor Moon and Urotsukidoji (aka "Legend of the Overfiend"). In case that isn't bad enough: Throughout the entire fic, the Senshi are raped in every possible way by a horde of Marty Stu tentacle demons who are almost always conveniently immune to the Senshi's attacks. Even Mamoru doesn't get off scot-free -- he is raped by a couple of rednecks. When not getting raped, the Senshi are practically throwing themselves at the Author Avatar and his Marty Stu friends - one of whom has healing necrophiliac sex with Sailor Pluto's corpse. IKEA Erotica all around - sometimes literally, like when Usagi uses a bedpost as a dildo. Finally, the author claims to be Lakota, but his Lakota is off; and people speak it reflexively even though both of the series this fic is tied to are set in Japan (Gratuitous Lakota, now that's a new one).

• *Currently Unnamed* (Self-Insert Fic, Dark Fic, character death, crossover) NOTE: link leads to a superior MST of it.
  • Fandom: Super Mario Bros., with some Pokémon and a dash of Star Wars.
  • Pairing: Marty Stu/girlfriends
  • Synopsis: WATCH the blatant Author Avatar Marty Stu pull random powers out of his ass (including catching a Bob-omb with a pokeball) to save his incredibly bland girlfriends he created! SEE Mario & friends get kidnapped by Bowser in a completely unrelated plot with no explanation, only for Mario to be killed when Wendy Koopa kisses him. SCREAM at the depressing and idiotic plot that only serves to kill off half the Koopa kids and get them sent to heaven, where one of them fights a black smoke monster (no relation to Lost)! BE AMAZED at the Marty Stu following the random kidnappers of his girlfriend using ships from Star Wars!
  • Comments: From one of the authors of A Haunting Past comes this pile of sludge. GASP at how the entire thing seems like three terrible unrelated stories crammed together. Follow the link to see the "amazing" show! (For the record, the fic was never finished).

• Day Of Reckoning (Gorn, Character Derailment, Character Death, Rape as Drama, You Fail Biology Forever, 'CANNIBALISM (Note: Link leads to superior MST at Topless Robot)
  • Fandom: X-Men
  • Pairing: Wolverine/Phoenix/Cyclops rape
  • Synopsis: WATCH Jean have mindless sex with Wolverine, complete with Gratuitous French! SEE Scoot [sic] RAPE Jean, the most powerful psychic in the series while BURNING HER ALIVE! BALK as Cyclops' SEVERED HEAD PASSES OUT. Oh, and Wolverine eats Jean for having Cyclops' kid. And they all die.
  • This fanfic completely broke one of out more Stoic editors.

• Defying Destiny (Relationship Sue, Jerk Sue, Character Derailment (And HOW), Bad Writing, immense overuse of the word "strutted".)
  • Fandom: Twilight series
  • Pairing: Edward-Mary Sue, anti Bella-Edward
  • Synopsis: Wait, there's a plot? All it really is is the author's blatant Sue STRUTTING through Forks High School while Edward proceeds to fall in love with her. Typical crappy Self Insertion plot ensues. Includes a completely random and asskicking sequence in the first chapter involving the main character (Serenity Winters) beating up 3 random muggers, a scene existing for no reason other than to show off how strong Serenity is, never again mentioned in the story.
  • Comments: This particular author went on a rant fest on other Sue writers fics about how their work was "insulting to a proper writer like [herself]" and used her story as an example of good writing. Enough said.

• Desert Fortress (No Yay, Mister Seahorse, Squick, Yaoi, Sick and Wrong)
  • Fandom: The Legend of Zelda
  • Pairing: Link/Ganon
  • Synopsis: Link finally faces Ganon. He prepares to finish him off once and for all when suddenly, Ganon makes him an offer to join him. Link, tired of the fighting and killing, relucantly accepts and forsakes his title of hero. Squick ensues, including Ganon putting Link in a ritual to have him give birth to their child. *shudders*
  • Comments: No Just No. This is the wet dream of a girl who has read too many Twilight fanfics. Link and Ganon are completely Out of Character.

• Diamond Pokemon (bestiality, explicit sex, biology fail, pedophilia, slash, femmeslash, Character Derailment)
  • Fandom: Pokémon
  • Pairings: Many.
  • Synopsis: Dawn goes on a journey and has sex with Anything That Moves.
  • Comments: Just look at the first chapter. It's simply an index of what kind of sex occurs in each chapter. One of them was "M/M/F/F, F/F, anal, oral, toys, femslash while guys perform anal on them". And there's tons of bestiality. And there's a talking Bidoof.

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