Patton/Funny

• Patton, taking command of the disorganized Army after the disaster at Kasserine Pass, literally stumbles across a soldier sleeping in the hallway. "Better get back to sleep, soldier. You're the only son of a bitch in this headquarters who knows what he's trying to do."
• During the Sicily campaign:

Steiger: Sir, the Americans have taken Palermo!
General Jodl: Damn!
(cut to)
British soldier: Sir, Patton's taken Palermo!
Field Marshal Montgomery: DAMN!

• The British march into Messina, the key to Sicily and the planned-for invasion of Italy. But Monty finds that Patton has gotten there first:

Field Marshal Montgomery: Don't smirk, Patton. I shan't kiss you.
Patton: Pity. I shaved very close this morning in preparation for getting smacked by you.

• During Patton's race across France, two different Army divisions get stuck in a traffic jam. Patton himself works as the goddamn traffic cop to keep his Army moving.
• "Weather's perfect! Cod, get me that chaplain. He stands in good with the Lord and I want to decorate him."
• The German high command watch footage of Patton landing in Sicily and Omar Bradley appears onscreen:

Captain Steiger: "He is most capable yet unpretentious. Unusual for a general."
(General Jodl sitting in front of him gives him a side eye glance)
Steiger: "Sorry."