Nostalgia Critic/Quotes

I always knew police were evil I knew it I had a feeling."

—Critic, Transformers

"And the good guys are the auto-bots and they kick ass and one of them's a Hummer- I'm totally buying a Hummer today."

—Critic, Transformers

"Immediately a pool of disappointing memories came flooding back to me and I just knew I had to watch this stinker again."

Huey, Dewey, and Louie: Just believe in yourself!
Critic: Well I don't-
Miss Piggy: We care about you!
Critic: Well maybe I-

Critic: Maybe I'm being too harsh on this special. After all, they are trying to get across a very moral lesson.
ALF: Drugs aren't your pal, pal. They're your enemy.
Critic: A very sound point. Any objections?
Ghost: But I make him feel good.
Critic: He's got me there. [starts smoking]

—reviewing the drug special.

"Good God, I just pissed myself! That is the scariest thing in my entire life!"

—His reaction to the Cloverfield trailer.

"I apologize from everyone in America. I deeply deeply apologize I mean my brain sometimes dies on me. Stupid white American, haha don't know anything. J-just don't, uh, don't..." *runs the fuck away*

—Upon insulting a guy in a kilt.

"So when we heard they were actually making a live action movie based on Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles, we proudly pissed our pants with joy, shit ourselves with excitement, vomited up vast amounts of excrement, shit on it, rolled around in it, put it back in our mouths and proceeded to vomit it up again in roaring anticipation. ...okay maybe only I did that.

"They kicked ass back then and I'm sure they're gonna kick ass now."

"You know... I'm starting to realize these movies aren't the masterpieces that I remember them to be.

"So let's sit back and enjoy Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles III." [five minutes later] *sobbing Angrish ensues*

—Critic, reviewing Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles.

"I used to have a Ninja Turtle doll... that I shot!"

"But not today. Today, seeing as it's Halloween, I'm going to stand up for myself, gonna confront my fears and I'm gonna watch this scene all the way through." [he doesn't manage it]

—Critic, the Top Eleven Scariest Moments.

"But luckily all that violence and gore had no disturbing side-effects on our decent childhoods."

• shoots his gun while drinking from a skull*
  
  

"I'm sorry, I have to do that every twelve minutes.

—Critic, Street Fighter review.

"And as both you and I know, there is no comparison. I am by far the greater talent."

—Critic, first AVGN rant.

"I can't do it! I can't make fun of Sesame Street, it's the first show I ever saw! I'm sorry about the gay joke, Bert and Ernie, whatever your sexual preference is is none of my business. I'm sorry, Big Bird! I'm sorry everybody! *cries* I love you all! You're all so beautiful and innocent to me! YOU! ARE! CHILDHOOD!"

—Critic, in the Follow That Bird review.

"When you're a kid all you can think about is being in high school. When you're in high school all you can think about is being in college. When you're in college all you can think about is being an adult. And when you're an adult all you can think about is being a kid again. LIFE FUCKING SUCKS!"

—Critic, in the Saved by the Bell review.

"I'll do anything! Shave your back, do your taxes, prostitute myself for money! Just please not another song!"

—Critic, The Tom and Jerry Movie

"It's vague, it's confusing, and it's just a mess. Much like my sex life. Erm, I mean, uh... did I say that out loud? I, uh.." *uses a neuralizer on the audience* "And that's why I'm the greatest lover ever!"

—Critic, TMNT

"And let me tell you something. That tie? Never comes off."

—Spoony, SWS2

"I had issues."

—Critic, Old vs. New: Willy Wonka

"Please! Anything but this! I can't do it! I can't do it!"

• all the Star Wars characters laughing at him*
  

"NOOOOOOOOOOOOOO"

—Critic, getting the Star Wars Holiday Special.

[talking about his earlier self] "It's hard to believe that such a handsome man could become even handso- handsom- hands- prettier."

—Critic, Battlefield Earth

"Ah yes, I remember when my old boss used to come down to my old company and spontaneously offer vice-presidency to one of the lower class. Unfortunately I didn't get it. But I showed him." *shows the I QUIT shirtless bit*

—Critic, The Flinstones Movie

"It's like trying to save a sinking ship with a bandaid. Anything I try to do would be completely pointless. Save me."

—Critic, Theodore Rex

"Linkara": Hello, I'm Linkara, and I totally fucked up. Sorry, I feel like an ass.
Critic: Oh, Linkara, there's no need to be so hard on yourself.
"Linkara": No really, it was totally my fault. I should have known not to upset someone as powerful and handsome as you.
Critic: (pleased and a little bit hopeful) Oh Linkara, are you saying I'm so physically attractive that I'm turning you gay right now?
"Linkara": Yes. Yes I am.
Critic: Well I just don't know what to say. I mean I'm just speechless.
"Linkara": Bat credit card.
Critic: *expected response*

—Top Next Nostalgia Critic Fuck-Ups

"What the hell was I thinking? I'm really having trouble with stuff Dora The Explorer can figure out?"

—Critic, Top Next Nostalgia Critic Fuck-Ups

"In fact, I'm gonna call the director right now and find out! [calls] Hi, this is the Nostalgia Critic and I wanna know what the hell you were thinking of with the ending of My Pet Monster. In fact, what the hell were you thinking with the entire movie in general? [beat] Well... I don't know what I was expecting, I mean... [beat] Yeah, yeah, I saw the cover and I- I still rented it- and I watched it willingly. [beat, starts getting more embarrassed] No, I'm not babysitting anybody I uh- [beat] I'm twenty eight. [beat] W-well it's kinda my job. [beat] Yeah, I watch children's programming and tell people what I think online. [beat] I'm very happy that you pity me. [beat] Yeah, we're done! We're done. Just, uh, thank you for your time and I'm sorry to have inconvenienced you. Okay. Bye."

—Critic, My Pet Monster

But I never intended all this bullshit, never,
And nobody really understood,
Well, how could they?
That all I wanted to was to bring something great,
Why does nothing ever turn out like it should?
Well, what the heck, I went and did my best,
And my God, I really tasted something swell,
And for a moment, why, I made directors cry,
And at least I told them they could go to hell, I did.
And for the first time since, I don't remember when,
I just felt like my critical self again.
And I no- stalgia Critic...
That's right... I AM THE NOSTALGIA CRITIC! Ha-ha-ha!
And I just can't wait until my next review,
'Cos I got some new ideas, that I'd really like to do,
And my God, I'm really gonna give it all my might
...uh oh, I hope there's still time to set things right.

—Poor Critic

"I may be pathetic, but I'm proud."

—Critic, after a breakdown.

"I'm a glutton for fucking punishment."

—Critic, Jurassic Park - The Lost World

Vincent Price: Critic, I knew you would blow me off after that last phone call, so I set a time bomb in your house before it was built. Clever me. But don't worry, it's set to go off in exactly fifty seconds. You'd better run, big boy.
Critic: [quickly] I remember it so you don't have to.
Vincent Price: [while Critic tries to run] One, two, skip a few, fifty.

• Critic explodes*
  

Vincent Price: Ohh, I love it when I'm nasty.

—The Thief and the Cobbler

"Okay, was I born a chick? Cos I even knew what these things were at that age. Just cos we're boys doesn't mean we're frigging morons."

—Critic, Milk Money

"I'm sorry, is this how white people act? I mean, I'm white and I'm incredibly confused."

—Critic, Milk Money

"Yeah, I remember the last time I said this is the nineties, old man to my Dad..." [shakily and looking traumatized] "i-it really was the last time."

—Critic, Alaska

"Um, hello everyone, I'm the Nostalgia Critic. I remember it so you don't have to. Uh, they allowed me a short amount of time out of the internet state penitentiary. A- a little surprised to see that place actually existed, but it's apparently next to the State Home For The Ugly. So, uh, they allowed me a short time out to answer your questions about the video I did last week."

—Critic, James and the Giant Peach

Woman: How does it feel to be responsible for the absolute worst Let's Play to ever be put on the internet?
Critic: Bad. Definitely, uh, bad, but hopefully I can make some more funny videos and move on.

—James and the Giant Peach

Man: I had a robber break into my house, kill my wife and eat my children. He's not as bad as you.
Critic: ...thank you for that. And I'm very sorry for your loss.
Man: Don't give me your pity.

—James and the Giant Peach

"And it's not like my need to please the masses is going to affect my opinion in any conceivable way! I'm just going to praise it for the fantastic family romp that it is. ...really."

—Critic, James and the Giant Peach

"Now in any other movie I'd say these two were as strongly constructed as a bomb shelter made out of Popsicle sticks, but in this movie it works because... I really want you to like me right now."

—Critic, James and the Giant Peach

"And that's all I've gotta say about that. There, have I restored anything in your guys's eyes?"

—Critic, James and the Giant Peach

Save me, Corporate America!

—Critic, Star Trek V

Critic: I hoped you learned your lesson.
Sci Fi Guy: What lesson? I didn't do anything...
Critic: Do you want to go back to the corner?
Sci Fi Guy: ...No...

—Star Trek: Insurrection