Duty First, Love Second

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    Tell me not, Sweet, I am unkind,
    That from the nunnery
    Of thy chaste breast and quiet mind
    To war and arms I fly.

    True, a new mistress now I chase,
    The first foe in the field;
    And with a stronger faith embrace
    A sword, a horse, a shield.

    Yet this inconstancy is such
    As you too shall adore;
    I could not love thee, Dear, so much,

    Loved I not Honour more.
    —Richard Lovelace, "To Lucasta, Going to the Wars"

    How can The Hero balance his love life with saving the world, especially when Love Hurts and Love Is a Weakness? Some heroes conclude that the only solution is to leave a love life out of the equation and become a Celibate Hero. Others (usually of the reluctant or adolescent variety) take the opposite approach and Always Save the Girl whenever love and heroism conflict. Finally, others Take a Third Option—this trope: love, even marry if you want, be fruitful and multiply, but always put your higher calling first.

    Instead of becoming a Celibate Hero, heroes who say "loved I not honor more" enter a committed relationship and accept the strain that their role will put on that relationship. They allow themselves to fall in love, but the romance must take a backseat to duty. They'll dislike having to leave the wife or girl home alone to go save the world, but they won't hesitate (long) to do it. Making a Heroic Sacrifice to save the girl is perfectly acceptable, but turning to the Dark Side isn't. There will be times when the lovers can't spend as much time together as they want, when the girl will get jealous of her non-human rival, and when he will have to make a Sadistic Choice. There will be tears for his safety on her part, guilt on his part for making his beloved suffer, and periods of believing that she would be better off without him. But in the end, she will have to admit that his devotion to a heroic cause is one of the things she loves and admires most about him, and they will have the satisfaction of knowing (and making sure their enemies know, too) that withstanding so much tension and danger makes their love all the stronger.

    Many writers, naturally, take a more cynical view of such cases, and are not averse to depicting such heroes as selfish jerks who are not only too weak to handle their burden alone but willing to make others miserable instead of declaring I Want My Beloved to Be Happy. Note that cynical and more optimistic approaches to this trope both sympathize heavily with the girl. And, sorry, Aeneas, but sleeping with the girl and then splitting the morning after to continue The Quest doesn't count; try that, and you're asking for a Woman Scorned.

    Classic gender flipped cases usually revolve around the girl being more sensible in a struggle with passion, telling the guy that since it's impossible for them to be together, whether due to an Arranged Marriage or a Virgin Power, they should be practical and accept that instead of sacrificing everything to satisfy their passion. Reason and morality are higher callings than love to her.

    The most obvious modern solution to this trope is for The Hero to pick a girl who can be his partner rather than be forced to sit at home waiting for him, but this wasn't always an option throughout history. Not that many Violently Protective Girlfriends haven't said, "Screw it, I'll go with you anyway!" to that Double Standard, of course.

    This trope can be particularly hard on villains who make a Heel Face Turn while in a committed relationship. They'll have to rely on Love Redeems to get their significant other to understand why he suddenly left her to side with the enemy.

    Doesn't overlap with The Masquerade Will Kill Your Dating Life because your significant other has to be in on any masquerade in cases of this trope. May overlap with It's Not You, It's My Enemies but not necessarily. If the hero leaves his love interest to protect her, it's It's Not You, It's My Enemies; if the hero could recite Lovelace's poem in context, it's this trope (too).

    Examples of Duty First, Love Second include:

    Anime and Manga

    • Kenshin Himura and Kaoru Kamiya from Rurouni Kenshin. He did attempt to leave her behind when he went to Kyoto, but after an Heroic BSOD, Kaoru (and Yahiko) followed him there.
    • A good part of Miaka and Tamahome's conflict in Fushigi Yuugi comes from this trope and Bodyguard Crush clashing with the fact that she'll have to return to her world once Suzaku is summoned and he'll stay in the Four Gods Universe forever. They get their happy ending anyway.

    Comic Books

    • Contrary to Joe Quesada's opinion, plenty of superheroes find love and take this road. Yes, there's always a danger their beloved will get Stuffed Into the Fridge, but the greater risk is of them losing their anchors to humanity.
    • Empowered and Thugboy have a relationship like this after Thugboy's Mook Face Turn.

    Film

    Literature

    • This issue comes up frequently in The Scarlet Pimpernel sequels, with Sir Percy even quoting Lovelace's poem a few times. Sir Percy's "loved I not honor more" philosophy is pitted against his brother-in-law Armand's Always Save the Girl philosophy in Eldorado, which also reveals just how much Percy hates himself for the pain he causes his wife Marguerite.
    • Gone with the Wind - Rhett himself quotes this just before he leaves Scarlett, Melanie, the two children, and Prissy, to finally (and belatedly) join the war against the Yankees.
    • The Bronte sisters seem to like this trope. Charlotte's Jane Eyre, once she learns about Bertha in The Attic, refuses to sacrifice her morals and live with Mr. Rochester as his mistress if they can't get married...
    • … and Helen in Anne's The Tenant of Wildfell Hall breaks up with Gilbert after the two of them finally make their mutual Anguished Declaration of Love because she's still technically married to an abusive alcoholic.
    • Redcrosse and Artegall in Books 1 and 5 of The Faerie Queene get engaged to Una and Britomart, respectively, and then reluctantly leave them to carry out their knightly missions.
    • Invoked in A Hard Day's Knight, complete with the Trope Namer quotation.
    • The Star Wars Expanded Universe likes this one. Before Exar Kun's War, which marked the rise of numerous competing force philosophies, this was the policy for Jedi. The Force and the Order would always come first, but marriage and family were not forbidden. Shortly after Exar Kun's defeat, the Order made their rules stricter to avoid the dangers of the other philosophies. After Luke Skywalker took charge, this policy was reinstated… then again, do you want to be the guy telling Han Solo "I forbid you from marrying my sister?"
      • Also applies to Han and Leia. In the The Thrawn Trilogy, Han reflects that as much as he hates seeing Leia go into danger without him, her determination to risk her life in the service of a good cause is a big part of why he loves her.
    • Becomes an issue in the Heralds of Valdemar series, since the average Herald doesn't live long enough to die of old age. Many Heralds, for this reason, never settle down with a single partner (though all viewpoint characters do, of course) and many minor Heralds instead go for promiscuity and short-term liaisons. On the other hand, Talia and Dirk become a Battle Couple, while many other Heralds marry noncombatants (or otherwise take them as life partners, such as Vanyel and Stefan) and accept that their duties may take them apart from their love and that they'll probably be the first to die.
      • Healers suffer a milder variation of this. A Healer has a calling, and so will often have to drop everything to solve an emergency or be assigned somewhere on a moment's notice, which tends to put a cramp on alone time with her spouse.

    Theater

    • In the climax of The Crucible, when John Proctor chooses death over a false confession that would damn his friends, the Court (and reverend Hale from more benevolent if misguided motives) try to convince his wife Elizabeth that she would convince him to confess and save his life if she really loved him. Elizabeth instead realizes that, as much as she loves her husband and wants him alive with her, she can't ask him to do such a thing (save his life at the cost of his honor).

    Elizabeth: He have his goodness now -- God forbid I take it from him.

    Live Action TV

    • In NCIS Power Down a USO officer(and spy) is kidnapped and forced to work for enemy agents. She resists and is killed in a place where she knows her body will be found and investigated. Gibbs addresses her bereaved husband thus:

    Husband: Emma had to do it, right? She didn't have a choice.
    Gibbs: No, she had a choice. That's what makes her a hero.
    Husband: A hero...

    • Delenn talking to Sheridan in Babylon 5 "Lines of Communication":

    "John, it pleases me that you care for what I have become... but never forget who I was... what I am and what I can do."

    David Cassidy: As long as you have this job, your marriage will only be an affair.

    • Inspector Lynley's instincts where his partner-slash-Not Love Interest Barbara Havers is concerned generally trend toward Always Save the Girl; however, he trusts her so absolutely that, although he goes a bit to pieces whenever she's threatened, he follows this trope anyway - partly because he's just that honorable, and partly because if he didn't, he knows full well that she'd give him a tongue-lashing he'd never forget.

    Video Games

    • Keldorn in Baldurs Gate II is in this kind of relationship. He is married, and has two daughters, but his duties as a paladin takes precedence.
    • Kilik from the Soul Series, to a degree. Confirmed when we learn that one of Xianghua's two children, Xiba, is not just his succesor -- but his son. But they didn't last.
    • Haohmaru from Samurai Shodown. He cares for his girlfriend Oshizu, but both of them know what fighting is his priority.
    • Several of the participants in the Street Fighter tournament are either married or have girlfriends, and they're more or less able to balance their private lives and their love of fighting. Guile has his wife Jane (or Julia) and their daughter Amy (or Chris), his brother-in-law Ken has Eliza and their little son Mel, Hakan has a cute and petite wife and seven little girls whom he adores, Guy has his fiancèe Rena (though she hasn't been seen for a while already), Dhalsim has Sari and their son Datta, Rufus has his girlfriend Candy, etc..
      • Averted with Ryu. He knows that Gouken's daughter likes him a lot and it's hinted that Sakura may have a full-blown crush on him... but he feels that he can't return the first's love due to his love for fighting, and doesn't seem to be even aware of the second's (possible) feelings.
    • Sora of Kingdom Hearts. Kairi is more precious to him than his own life, but three times he has been compelled by the call to leave her.

    Webcomics

    Western Animation

    • The Powerpuff Girls actually Gender Flips the male version of this trope in the episode "Superfriends," when the girls' Part-Time Hero work puts a strain on their friendship with their new neighbor Robyn. Their conversation at the end of the episode illustrates the trope almost better than Lovelace's poem:

    Bubbles: Hey, Robyn, we're sorry...
    Buttercup: ... we left you behind all the time.
    Blossom: It was never because we didn't like you, it's just...
    Robyn: (happily) I know -- that's your job.

    Mai: All I get is a letter? You could have at least looked me in the eye when you ripped out my heart.
    ... ... ...
    Zuko: STOP! This isn't about you! This is about the Fire Nation!
    Mai: Thanks, Zuko, that makes me feel all better.
    Zuko: Mai, I never wanted to hurt you, but I have to do this to save my country.

    • This shows up in, of all places, the 1960s cartoon Underdog in the episode "The Witch of Pickyune," when Underdog meets a witch who will only wake his love interest from an eternal sleep if he helps her Take Over the World. Proving himself to be smarter than Anakin Skywalker, he flat out refuses (before accidentally saving the girl anyway with a True Love's Kiss).
    • Bruce Wayne expresses his contempt for this trope in Batman: Mask of the Phantasm when he decides he can either marry Andrea Beaumont or become Batman but not both, refusing to go out on his nighttime vigilante missions if there's someone worriedly waiting for him to come home.
    • Number 1 abides by this philosophy on Codename: Kids Next Door, but his girlfriend Lizzie eventually has enough and breaks up with him in "Operation G.I.R.L.F.R.I.E.N.D."

    Lizzie: I'm tired of competing with the Kids Next Door.

    • In Batman the Brave And The Bold Plastic Man is married to Ramona, a woman with a fairly abusive attitude. One of the episodes, "Long Arm of the Law!", even focuses on his difficulties in reconciling his family life with crime-fighting. The episode incorporates nearly all the tropes associated with Duty First, Love Second - eventually his family is put in great danger as a result of his past involvement with a criminal group and he makes a Heroic Sacrifice to save his family. Obviously, a way to reverse it is later found - this is Brave And The Bold we're talking about. Different in that it sympathizes more with Plas than Ramona, and Ramona doesn't take her husband's heroic commitment to bringing justice very seriously, mocking him quite a few times onscreen. On the other hand, her attitude is somewhat justifiable - Plas can be rather ineffectual and irresponsible.
    • This is definitely at play in Thundercats2011 reboot. Tygra grows jealous over the course of the first thirteen episodes by Cheetara's constant attention with Lion-O. She holds his hand, grasps his shoulder and even kisses him on the cheek. Tygra assumes he's already lost his chance with her and it makes him even angrier at his younger brother. It turns out this was a case of Duty First, Love Second however. Cheetara, as a member of Thundera's cleric order, is tasked with guarding and advising the latest King, who is Lion-O. She reveals that she's been in love with Tygra all along but never said anything and instead was merely doing her duty when it came to the young King.
    • Invoked on Hey Arnold!--Helga's sister Olga is set to get married, but Helga discovers the fiancé just wants to inherit their family business. While she's at first perfectly fine letting Olga throw her life away for a man who doesn't love her, she eventually threatens to expose the man unless he leaves her at the altar, forging a note that claims he left to help starving children in a third world country (or something).

    Real Life

    • Too many military families to list, but Sullivan Ballou gets a special mention:

    Sarah, my love for you is deathless, it seems to bind me to you with mighty cables that nothing but Omnipotence could break; and yet my love of Country comes over me like a strong wind and bears me irresistibly on with all these chains to the battlefield.

    • Firefighters and paramedics are also subject to this, especially firefighters.
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