How to Be the Captain

How-To Guide

So you want to be The Captain; the Big Boss, the star of the show. It's easy! Here are the steps....

1. Get yourself a state-of-art, one-of-a-kind ship. Boat, airship, or starship—or car, or train. Or even a police public call box that's bigger on the inside.....
2. Round up some True Companions. Then give them lessons in being badass. If you don't have buddies, then just get yourself a Squad.
3. It helps to be a guy.
4. .....But women can do this too.
5. When asking questions, never expect your subordinates to answer you right away.
6. Treat your crew like they're your own family.
7. Be polite and courteous to others on your ship. Bonus points if you have side hobbies like poetry, classical music, and of course, Shakespeare. Double bonus if you play the violin.
8. Be best friends with at least one person in your crew.
9. You don't have to be a Captain to be The Captain. Sometimes a Commander will suffice.
10. You absolutely MUST be a Badass.
11. Every once in a while, quit being the big guy(lady) in charge. Just for a little while. Besides getting a much needed vacation, your crew will see that the new guy is nowhere near as good at the job as you are and they'll be thrilled when you come back.
12. It's okay if you "bend" the rules every now and again, as long as it works.
13. If you report to a boss who just happens to back you up and remains supportive of you, in spite of your antics....stay on his good side.
14. Never EVER needlessly sacrifice your crew just because you can—or even to look impressive.
15. Enjoy being The Captain. Just don't enjoy it too much.
16. Never EVER accept a promotion. Remember, it's good to be The Captain. Keep the job as long as possible.
17. Keep a diary of all your adventures.
18. Special Note: If you follow all these steps, but you just can't swing the Cool Ship, then consider being a Colonel instead.
19. Remember what's most important to your subordinates; when you don't do everything you can to make sure everyone gets the best food or equipment, you practically invite the Reliable Traitor or The Starscream to start acting up.
20. If all else fails, have the other Captain(s) die.
21. If someone on your crew suggests an idea so ridiculous it seems doomed to fail, remember it just might work.
22. You gotta think fast on your feet.