< Friends

Friends/Funny


Chandler: All right, fine, I'm going, but when I get back it's CHAIR CITY, and I'm the guy who's....s-sitting in a...CHAIR!

Chandler: Hello, Chandler Bing?
Joey: Hello, Mr. Bing. I love you.
Chandler: Look, whoever this is, stop calling. It's been six months, it's not funny!
Joey: But I love you!
Chandler: LEAVE ME ALONE! FOR THE LOVE OF GOD LEAVE ME ALONE!

  • Joey's "Freud!" song.

"All you want is a dinkle"
"What you envy's a schwang"
"A thing with which you can tinkle
"To play with, or simply let hang"

  • Joey appearing in what seemed to be a serious play, until he said "Now, I'm gonna get on this spaceship..."
    • The best part of that was the buildup. Scenes from the play appeared in many episodes throughout the season, and it was made out to be one of those gritty off-off-Broadway productions. Then, after months, the spaceship landed.
  • Ross trying to drink Carol's breast milk.

"Give me the bottle." (squeezes milk onto his arm) "Give me the towel". (wipes the milk off and storms away)

  • Rachel jealous over a girl showing interest in Ross

"Horny bitch. (Ross and the girl look at her. Rachel pretends to play with the toys she's carrying) No, you're a horny bitch! No, you're a horny bitch!"

  • A lot of Phoebe's songs.

"He was a double double / double jointed boy"
"And tegrin spelled backward is nirget"
"He must decide / He must decide / Even though I made him up, he must decide!"

  • Monica seeing Joey naked in "The One With The Flashback" ("Here's your glass of penis").
  • Chandler, Joey & Ross talking about Rachel & Mark in "The One With All The Jealousy"

Chandler: Then she'll be like "I should be with him 'cause he understands me".
Joey: And before you know it, she's with him. And you'll be all, "Oh, man!" And he'll be all, "Yes!" And us, we'll be like "Oh, dude!" And pretty soon you'll be like, "Hi," and, "Well, I can't go. Rachel and Mark might be there." And we'll be like, "Man, get over it, it's been four years!"
Chandler: He paints quite a picture, doesn't he?

  • Rachel getting attacked by a pigeon in "The One With Phoebe's Husband". Forgot how high Jennifer Aniston can shriek.
    • Made even funnier by her attempts to catch the pigeon.

Rachel: That's right, you just read the Family Circus *advances on pigeon with a cooking pot* Enjoy the gentle humour..

    • And when Rachel first meets Phoebe's husband, she opens the pot in surprise, and lets the pigeon go. Phoebe's husband is really impressed, and asks how she did it.
  • Ross and Joey ending the segregation in the museum but everyone starts saying Too Much Information about themselves.

I came here 3 months ago but the city still scares me!
I didn't pay for this pear!
These (her breasts) aren't real!
I have to flip the light switch on and off 17 times or my family will die!

  • "The one where Chandler can't remember which sister". He's a kisser when he's drunk.

Chandler: Look, when I’ve been drinking, sometimes I tend to get overly friendly, and I’m sorry.
Monica: That's okay.
Rachel: That's all right.
Ross: That's okay.

You wanna see me ecstatic? Here it is. (cracks a really small smile)

"I've been wanting to run my own kitchen since I got my first Easy Bake Oven and opened Easy Monica's Bakery". [Rachel just stares at her waiting if she just heard what she said]

  • Paolo's brief reappearance in season 2.

Ross: What are you doing here?
Paolo: I do Raquel.

  • Rachel's boyfriend Paul dancing in front of a mirror. "I'm just a love machine. YEAH BABY, HUUUUUUUAAAA!" And yeah, Paul is played by Bruce Willis! Best part? Ross is listening to it all under the bed...
  • Another good one: the gang is watching an old video of "FatMonica"; present-day Monica protests, "Come on, the camera adds ten pounds!"... prompting Chandler to snark, "So how many cameras are actually on you there?"
  • 'Don't do the dance.' 'Right!'

Phoebe: Well, I guess we're gonna be going out into the hallway now...
Joey: Thanks for coming, Mrs. Green!

  • Joey, discussing his broken fridge- "It's like we got a divorce, and I got to keep the kid... and now the kid died, and I gotta buy a new kid!" (Chandler: "...Okay...?" Joey: "(Beat) Gimme four hundred dollars!")
  • An extended series of awkward reveals:

Ross: Well, I told you it was Chandler who was smoking the pot but it was me. I'm sorry.
Monica: And Dad, you know that mailman you got fired? He didn't steal your Playboys, Ross did.
Ross: Yeah, well Hurricane Gloria didn't break the porch swing, Monica did.
Monica: Ross hasn't worked at the museum for a year.
Ross: Monica and Chandler are living together!
Monica: Ross married Rachel in Vegas, and got divorced, again!
Phoebe: I'm in love with Jacques Cousteau! "
Rachel: I wasn't supposed to put beef in the trifle!
Joey: I wanna gooooo!
Mrs. Geller: . . . That's a lot of information to get in thirty seconds. Joey, if you want to go, just go. Rachel, no, you weren't supposed to put beef in the trifle. It did NOT taste good. Pheobe, I'm sorry, but I believe Jacques Cousteau is dead. And Monica, why you decided to hide such an important relationship from us is beyond me.
Mr. Geller: And we kind of figured about the porch swing.

  • Special mention goes to this scene.

Ross: * dressed as the holiday armadillo* What are you doing here, Santa Claus?
Chandler: Why I'm here to visit Ben (Ross's son)! What are you doing here... weird... turtle... man?

      • "I especially liked the part about how Superman flew all the Jews out of Egypt".
  • Cat jumps on Ross' head.
  • Joey starts wearing a bag around to try and improve his credibility as an actor. Chandler and Ross make much with the fun, until eventually Chandler runs out of ways to imply Joey's a woman, and just runs with.

Rachel: That bag is definitely going to get you the part.
Chandler: And a date with a man!

  • The episode where Chandler and Monica's relationship is finally revealed contains an absolute gem from Ross. To give some context, keep in mind he's meeting with a psychiatrist to prove that he's no longer angry.

Ross" "Oh yeah, I'm feeling much better now. Wait, No. What? What are you doing? GET OFF MY SISTER!!!."

  • Robin Williams and Billy Crystal appear in the cold open to a third season episode. They weren't scripted to appear, but happened to be nearby at the time of filming, so the producers asked them to step in. The result was an ad-libbed performance that was utterly hilarious.
  • David Schwimmer has a knack for physical comedy second to none. Frequently unscripted.
    • In "The One With the Prom Video" he trips going up a flight of stairs.
    • In "The One With the German Laundry Detergent" he gets hit in the head by the door to a dryer and falls down.
    • In "The One With the Giant Poking Device" he runs into a wall.
    • In "The Last One" he's running to the ticket counter at an airport and sprints through the twisty turny roped off line.
    • It's a minor one, but in "The One Where Phoebe Hates PBS," once Ross finally gets estranged wife Emily on the phone, he gets so excited that he shushes everyone and then hands Chandler a lamp for no reason at all. It's random and hilarious.
  • Joey going to auditions with a hernia in "The one where Joey loses his insurance".

(puts hand down his pants to relieve the pain) Hey Timmy, I've got a surprise for you.

  • Ross buying a new couch.

Ross: I want my couch to say "Kids welcome" but also say (seductively) "Come here to me".
Rachel: Oh my God, you say that to kids?
Ross: No, no. It's for the ladies.
Rachel: Ross, honey, it's a nice couch not a magic couch.

  • Rachel's dad recovering from a heart attack.

Leonard: Hello, Ross. Get anymore of my daughters pregnant?
Ross: No, no, just the one.

  • Ross and Rachel breaking up again.

Rachel: By the way, it's not that common, it doesn't happen to every guy and it is a big deal!
Chandler: I knew it!

  • Ross' "The bike is dying speech" especially the end when the seemingly unfazed Phoebe pleads for her bike not to die after Ross leaves.

Ross: Chandler joined a Vanilla Ice look-alike contest and won!
Chandler: Ross came in fourth and cried!

  • "The one with the Thanksgiving flashbacks" where Chandler found out Monica trying to get revenge on him for calling her fat is the reason he lost his toe.

Chandler: For a whole year people called me "Sir Limps-A-Lot"!
Ross: "Sir Limps-A-Lot". I came up with that.
Joey: You're a dork.

  • "The one where everybody finds out". Ross is disappointed his bribe to Ugly Naked Guy of a basket of mini muffins wasn't working

Ross: Someone sent us a basket at work once, and people went crazy over those little muffins. It was the best day.
Chandler: Your work makes me sad.

  • Joey not understanding the concept of "air quotes".
  • Chandler handcuffed in Rachel's boss' office in his underwear.
  • YOU ATE MY SANDWICH?!
  • "TOW the Kips". Monica and Chandler convincing Joey that it's 9AM when it's really 3. Joey apparently has never been awake at 9.
  • "TOW the lesbian wedding"

Monica: Are you trying to make me cry? Is that what you want? Do you want to see me cry?
Phoebe: Sir, no, sir!

  • "TOW where Phoebe runs" Chandler cleaned Monica's apartment without her permission. Ross, then Monica arrive.

Chandler: No, no, no, no, no, no! You can't come in here. Ross is naked!
Monica: What?!
Ross: What?!
Chandler: I couldn't say that I was naked because she's allowed to see me naked.
Ross: Why does anyone have to be naked?
Monica: Why is Ross naked?
Ross: I had to... show Chandler something.
Monica: Naked?
Ross: Yeah, I uh... I guess I have a, uh... a guy problem.
Monica: Is it the same thing that Chandler had?
Chandler: Look, just come back later. We'll get everything squared away and you can come back later.
Monica: Okay. Hey, listen, there's still some of Chandler's medicine left under the sink in the bathroom. Bye.
Chandler: Bye-bye. Thank God.
Ross: Dude, what'd you have?

  • The season 5 premiere. Chandler and Monica are about to have sex in the bathroom. Monica's already there and Chandler's about to follow when Joey shows up and talks his ear off about how he thinks the giant from My Giant is more talented and taller than him.
  • Phoebe's weird date.
  • Phoebe meets Mike's parents.
  • Ross, Monica and Rachel's fake accents.
  • The entire game that the guys and girls play to win each others apartments in "The One With the Embryos". But most of all, the "lightning round" conclusion:

Ross: What is Chandler Bing's job?
*Monica and Rachel are both utterly silent, Chandler looks incredulous*
Rachel: It has something to do with numbers...
Monica: And processing!
Rachel: He carries a briefcase!
Ross: 10 seconds, you need this or you lose the game.
Monica: It... it has something to do with transponding...
Rachel: OOH! He's a TRANSPONSTER!
Monica: THAT'S NOT EVEN A WORD! No, I can get this, I can get this...
*Ross stops the timer*
Monica: NOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!

    • This becomes a Brick Joke when, in one of the latter seasons, Monica finally remembers what Chandler's job is. Of course, this happens after he has left the job.
    • And then Chandler and Joey gliding in to their new apartment triumphantly on the big white dog.
  • From "The One Where Chandler Crosses The Line," Joey's response to Chandler admitting he was "totally over the line..." [1]

Joey: Over the line? You... you... you're so far past the line that you can't even see the line! The line is a dot to you!

  • Chandler mocking psychologists after Ross was forced to take a sabbatical.

Chandler: I was forced to go to the office psychologist once. He was all "Maybe your colleagues will like you better if you like yourself better". Who needs that?
Monica: You do.
Chandler: I know!

  • Phoebe confronting the lurker in "The one in Vegas".

Phoebe: I'm gonna be on your ass every hour of every day till Monday because that's when I go home. When do you leave?
Lurker: Also Monday.
Phoebe: What time? Maybe we can share a cab.

  • Lisa Kudrow's (Phoebe's) laugh. Priceless.
  • Phoebe: If we were in prison, you guys would be, like, my bitches.
  • Chandler wants sex advice:

Chandler: Joey, you've had a lot of sex, right?
Joey: (confused) What, today? Some...not a lot.

  • The one where Rachel shows a video of Ross begging her to get it on, only to find out everyone know about her technique involving 'the video of her vacation in Europe', and that Joey started it.

Rachel: It can't be! She said she heard it from some guy!
Joey: *raises hand* Some guy! *points to self*
Rachel: But, but, but, she said his name was Ken Adams!
Joey: *Raises hand and points to himself again* Ken Adams!

    Ross: *Looks at camera* It's MORPHIN' TIME! *crosses wrists*
    Joey: TYRANOSAURUS!
    Chandler: TRICERATOPS!

    Well, I think your wrong!
    Oh, no! (bites hand)

    • Pretty much the entire episode of "The One With The New Year's Resolutions".
    • The story of the Geller Cup in "The one with the football".

    Ross: So Mom forbade us to play and Dad threw the Geller Cup into the lake.
    Chandler: And the curse was lifted?

    • Ross and Joey becoming "nap partners".
    • "Gum would be perfection. I could have said I'd like some gum but no. To me gum would be perfection! I loathe myself".
    • The whole incident with Gladys.
    • Chandler's reaction to learning, just as his and Monica's surrogate is about to give birth, that she's going to have twins:

    Monica: Chandler, you're panicking!
    Chandler: Uh huh! JOIN ME, won't you?!

    • Monica's intensity is always a sight to behold such as the time she tried to get Rachel to cry when she told her that she and Chandler are moving in together.

    Monica: It's the end of an era, you might say.
    Rachel: Mon, are you okay? You're not blinking.

    Joey: Guess you're gonna have to break up with him.
    Monica: And call their mother!

    • Rachel finding a naked picture of Monica meant for Chandler but blamed on Joey.

    "He has naked pictures of us, then he eats chicken, and then he looks at them!"

    Paul: It's just I didn't know you were married.
    Rachel: (comes back from the bathroom) Oh, we were but it was just this big drunken mistake,
    Paul: You two were married?!
    Rachel: I'm sorry, i guess you were talking about Emily. (Ross Face Faults)

    • Rachel's old college friend revealing then denying her love for Rachel.

    Melissa: I'm obviously kidding. I'm not in love with you. I'm not in love with her. I don't hear coconuts banging together. You know, I don't picture your face when I make love to my boyfriend.

    • Ross & Chandler giving Joey advice on how to repel women.

    Chandler: They don't like it when you explain why your joke is funny.
    Ross: They don't like it when you talk about science.
    Chandler: Man, I'm so glad I have Monica.
    Ross: I'm never gonna find love again.

    • In TOW The Cake Joey forgets to get Emma a present for her first birthday and decides read a dramatic monologue from one of her books, at first every one seems disapointed and annoyed by this idea. He reduces the entire room to tears.

    Judy Geller: Jack, look at this.
    Jack Geller: I know what you're thinking, Judy. The resemblance is uncanny.

    • In "TOW Rachel's Going Away Party" Rachel says goodbye to everyone individually, reducing them all to tears. Except Joey.

    [Rachel & Joey are on the balcony, everyone else is inside watching.]
    Ross: God, I can't believe she saved me for last. Why are they taking so long?
    Phoebe: I dunno, but Joey seems to taking it surprisingly well.
    [As Rachel heads back inside, Joey turns and starts to get ready to jump off the balcony. Rachel pulls him back when everyone else runs forward to stop Joey.]

    • The gang finding out about Ross' affair with his elderly high school librarian.

    "Her eyes did still sparkle..."

    • Ducks is heads because ducks have heads!
    • "The one with Joey's big break". Phoebe was mad at Ross for some reason and calls him fat-ass but apologizes and says he actually has a cute hienie. For a moment, Ross was actually pleased.
    • "The one with the Kips". Rachel just convinced Phoebe to form their own group then Ross shows up.

    "Bye, Ross, (whispers) forever".

    • Joey on Pyramid.

    (The word is 'cream'.)
    Gene: You put this in your coffee.
    Joey: A spoon! Your hands! Your face!
    Gene: It's white.
    Joey: Paper! Snow! A ghost!

      • And then the new word is 'mayonnaise'.

    Gene: You put this on a sandwich.
    Joey: Salami! Anchovies! Jam!
    Gene: It's white.
    Joey: Paper! Snow! A ghost!
    Gene: It's made from eggs.
    Joey: Chickens!?

      • And later on:

    Joey: Why would there be a ghost in my fridge?

    • "Hurry, The Angelica! Go! Go!"
    • Phoebe's birthday where everyone is late and Rachel can't leave Emma at home so she has Ross's mother bring her to the restaurant with them. She stops in the middle of a toast to signal that Emma dropped her sock, leading to...

    Phoebe: Oh, for God's sake, Judy pick up the sock! Pick up the sock! Pick up the sooock!

      • And shortly after this she gives her friends a verbal put-down and makes a dramatic exit before calling "Judy, bye!" and getting a drunken wave from her in response.
    1. ↑ (Chandler confessed to being the other man in Joey and Kathy's relationship.)
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