< Freeman's Mind

Freeman's Mind/Funny


Freeman's Mind

Relive Half-Life while listening to the thoughts of its protagonist in...Freeman's Mind

Episode 0 (Hazard Course)

  • "Looks like I'm the one stuck having to do training... Ass. Slap-age."
  • "The only reason I'm here is because everyone else on the team is too damned frail to do any physical activity whatsoever. So, because I can lift a box, I'm automatically the lab gofer."
  • More 'basic' training:

Holographic Assistant: Walk directly into the ladder, look up, and continue moving forward. If you want to come back down, just move backward.
Freeman: 'To wipe your ass, first orient your hand behind yourself, then move it forward... or backward.' Honestly, who doesn't know how to use a ladder? I mean, it's a LADDER! Somehow, I don't think this program is designed for the gifted."

  • The conclusion of 'Jump Training':

Hologuide: Now that you're up here, there's only one way down.
Freeman: (Looking around) Where?
Hologuide: Find the target on the floor below, and do your best to hit it.
Freeman: What.

Hologuide: If you take any damage from the fall, we will administer medical care at the next station.

Freeman: Is this a joke? They want me to jump from this height onto flat concrete?! There must be a typo with the instructions or something that no one corrected. I could climb down, but they want me to hit that target. I'm not doing that, that's retarded! So... I guess I failed the "lemming" portion of the test, but hopefully that's not required to pass the whole course. Well, training's over! I think I'll get out of here and go take my lunch break. (pause) I'll just tell everyone I passed training. Nobody's going to check this.

Episode 1

  • First 30 seconds of the series, as his tram passes by a security guard (Barney Calhoun) banging on a locked door:

Freeman: Ah, I'm not the only one who's late. SUCKEEEEEEER!

    • This was even referenced in Ian Riley's Barney's Mind.
  • Freeman's priceless safety "revelation:"

Black Mesa P.A.: In the event of an emergency . . . please stay away from electrified rails, and proceed to an emergency station until assistance arrives.
Freeman: Man, how dumb would you have to be? I mean, they're not going to say something like that unless somebody's already tried to do it, right? I guess if I was drunk enough I might climb out the window here and pull some hang-time on the electrified tram rail. That kind of reminds me of the squirrel that got caught between the power lines one day back at M.I.T. The thing caught on fire and got fused to the wires, which caused a transformer to blow out and knock out power to all of campus. That squirrel must have cost the university at least ten thousand dollars. It was a good day.

  • "Man, are they still talking about hiring? I guess my cousin Jesse needs a job... If only he wasn't a sex offender, it'd be so much easier to find something for him."
  • [Sees a cargo robot ahead of the tram] "Woah... WE'RE GONNA CRASH! ...Oh good, it stopped."
  • [seeing a radioactive spill] "Hey, what's that green crap? What is this?! Jesus Christ, look at this place! This is a disaster! That's gotta be toxic. God, the E.P.A. is gonna tear us apart if they find out about that! Well, I'm not saying anything. I don't want to get called in as a witness in court when the cat gets out of the bag."
  • "Yeah, ya know what? I don't even care any more. By the time I get suited up I'm gonna be over an hour late. I figure I'm either fired, or I'm not."

Episode 2

  • [Stops outside an office] "Wait a minute... Did I see what I think I did? [enters lab, looks at whiteboard] Yep, I sure did. Newton's formula for gravitational force. Having trouble remembering that one, guys? What is this, are we back in high school now? My department's working on quantum displacement. Just what the hell are you guys doing? Jerking around in lab coats from the looks of things! [leaves] I just can't believe it. Those monkeys are having trouble learning about gravity. Whereas I can recite the quantum chromodynamic gauge invariant lagrangian in my sleep! There is no justice... am I hearing things?"
    • [walking into the "computer lab" for the first time] "TURN DOWN THE MUSIC, YOU FRIGGIN' BASS-HEADS! IT SOUNDS LIKE A STRIP CLUB IN HERE! GOD DAMN! LET'S GET SOME DANCING GIRLS IN CAGES, WHY DON'T YOU?! GOOD LORD!" [walks out] "Man! Programmers...who knows what they're doing in there! They're gonna go deaf by the end of the year at that rate. Next time I have to go in there, I'll bring some ear protection!"

(The song is Power Plant from One Must Fall. There may even be a few YouTube videos of the song without comments quoting the above.)

  • "Man, my voice falls on deaf ears... I wonder if Feynman felt the same way? [opens locker] What the hell...? Whose stuff is this? There my name, but... A bowling certificate? Baby pictures? A blue poncho? Where's all my stuff?! WHERE'S MY STASH!? This is freaking me out..."
  • The H.E.V. Notification System:

Freeman: [donning his HEV suit] Oh, come on! Now somebody's taken my helmet! [Beat] Ah, screw it... I probably won't need it anyway.

Hazard Suit: Welcome to the H.E.V. Mark IV protective system--

Freeman: Oh no, there's that voice.

Hazard Suit: --for use in hazardous environment conditions.

Freeman: Shh!

Hazard Suit: High-impact reactive armor: activated. Atmospheric contaminant sensors: activated.

Freeman: Quiet!

Hazard Suit: Vital sign monitoring: activated. Automatic medical systems engaged.

Freeman: Man, this suit does not shut up.

Hazard Suit: Munition level monitoring: activated. Communications interface: online.

Freeman: OK, this thing's ridiculous. Where's the "off" button? [mutes suit] There we go... huh. Didn't it say "munitions level monitoring?" What does that mean? Does the left hand turn into a chaingun? I wish.

Episode 3

Freeman: Ahh, stop that noise! I hate that! It reminds me of that dream I have where I'm strapped to a gurney watching Fraggle Rock with flashing lights on either side of me, then I realize: I'm in Hell! It's all crap anyway. The only reason they we have those scanners is because they caught me playing racquet ball in here once.

  • "I like climbing things. It appeals to my simian instincts. And also, makes me regret how I have no tail. Damn my genes; I have no tail, and I must swing..."
  • Times like this, I remember why I became a physicist: to show anti-matter particles WHO'S BOSS! YEAH!!
  • Man, I hope we get some good readings today; depending on what we find, we might just disprove string theory. That would make my day... and I wouldn't be gracious about it, either; I'd rub people's faces in it!
  • This is a bad experiment! We are bad people! Why did we usher forth the green apocalypse?!

What happened? Where am I? Am I dead? I don't feel dead...but how would I know?!...If this is what it's like to be dead, then being dead sucks!
Oh, shit! That's the ceiling! WHERE'S MY HELMET!?!

"Who are you?...No! I don't wanna be a schizophrenic!"

[Just as the video is fading out and the studio logo is shown] "Oh my God, this is crazy-in-a-box with a side order of fries..."

Episode 4

  • [Gordon is back in the Test Chamber] "No...no, no, no, no, n-- Huh, what? Hehe...hahaha! I'm not in Crazy Land anymore! Man that was weirder than when I stayed up for 48 hours straight and thought my house was being invaded by Frog People!"
  • "I am Captain Gordon Freeman of the Intergalactic House of Pancakes, ordering you to open!" [door opens] Yes! [door closes] No! [door malfunctions] Shit. Uhh... don'tkillme!"
  • "I am on a roll! Murphy's Law can suck it!"
  • "You can just smell the money burning in this place..."
  • "Boned."
  • "I hate computers! Why do they always blow up when I use them?"
  • Right after the resonance cascade and Freeman sees all the death and destruction caused by it, he walks up to Eli and another scientist:

Freeman: He-hey! Boy, we really fucked up this time, huh?

  • [Facing down a headcrab unarmed] "Okay, I can do this. I am the matador. I fearlessly--" [headcrab jumps] "FUCK! SHIT! PISS! Those things BITE!"
  • "I've been meaning to take Kung Fu lessons for years now because I knew there'd be a day like today and I would be ready. But I kept putting it off, and here I am totally unprepared and not knowing Kung Fu! Procrastination has failed me, yet again."
  • "Today, all my limbo practice pays off!"
    • "Hey, I can't limbo this! It goes though the floor! That's cheating! Look at this thing! It's an Etch A Sketch from HELL!"
  • [Reading a warning sign] "'Do not use Elevators.'" [Pushes the elevator button; drops the elevator car with two scientists aboard] Oh shit, they weren't kidding! Aww jeez, what do I do; the door won't open! RRRGH! [smashes the glass door] Oh, what should I do? I guess, uh... SORRY! DIDN'T MEAN TO KILL YOU! Oh man, I hope they at least were jerks..."

Episode 5

  • "Follow the dead body road! Follow the dead body road! Follow, follow, foll-- damn! Look at all that blood!"
    • Followed by Gordon contemplating how much money he could make selling the blood, organs and/or cadavers.
      • "Oh, good. more blood! I was starting to get worried! God, what happened? This guy looks like he got hit by a steamroller!"
  • Upon discovering the entry door to the Sector is locked:

Freeman: "Oh, you've got to be shitting me. I'm gonna sue the hell out of Black Mesa when I get out of here! Locking your workers in? That's what the Triangle Shirtwaist factory did! Locked its workers in, then there was a fire, then everybody died! That's a formula for success. Damn it! We're making history right now - crap history! [smashes console with crowbar, door opens] What? Ha-ha! I am incredible. Is there any end to the number of problems that I can solve just by beating the hell out of something? I'm not sure there is!

  • That's how I say "Open Sesame"... with a crowbar to the face!
  • Trying to save a scientist:

Freeman: Give me your hand!

[Scientist falls to his death]

Freeman: No, your other hand, you idiot!

[later]

Freeman: "Why does everyone have to keep dying on me? Is it really so hard to just not die? I mean, look at me! I was in the chamber at freaking ground zero and I'm still here! Yet you guys slip on a banana peel and that's it! Ugh. Darwin was right. I didn't realize I was working with a bunch of lemmings."

  • Freeman contemplating whether or not the Programmers were killed by the aliens, or simply "raved themselves to death."
    • "Escape From Techno Hell!"
  • "He-hey, gunshots! 'Where there's a gun, there's fun!' ...Or not."
    • "Welp, time to play God. Let's see people disrespect me now. They'll find out what happens when they mess with The Freeman."

Episode 6

  • "It's the same story every time! You give people the benefit of the doubt and they try to kill you!"
  • "Okay, that's it; it's official: All aliens are bastards!"
  • After spotting a scientist hiding in a dumpster:

Freeman: "Hey, a Jack-in-the-Box!"

  • Dealing with a zombie:

Freeman: "You know how when they say you are part of the help or part of the problem well they were talking about you. [shoots] There now you're part of the solution."

  • "White men in armored Hazmat suits can't jump"
  • "Uh-oh, train's leaving the station. All aboard!" *Headcrabs leap out* "No, not you! You don't have a ticket!"
    • "Damn, this suit does not protect against gravity." [....] "Facehuggers! Okay, batter up. Strike one. Strike two. Strike- AAAH! It's raining men! I mean aliens!"
    • "Why is this taking so long?! I could fall faster than this!"
    • "No! Shut up! No-one cares about your opinion! You have no rights! You're all illegal immigrants! Now just do what you're told and jump off this giant meat grinder! No! You're doing it wrong! You're all incompetent!"
    • Directly after this, when he walks onto a catwalk that promptly breaks underneath him, "WHAT THE FUCK?! WHAT HAPPENED?!!"

Episode 7

  • "Okay, now I have some options. I can either fall to my death in this black pit, land on the edge and gore myself on jagged metal mesh, or land on the concrete and maybe break my legs! And before all I had was the pit."
  • Cthulhu Dogs.
  • After encountering another broken catwalk:

Freeman: Hey, a rope! Now I can be Tarzan!
[imitates Tarzan yell, sees the "rope" belongs to a barnacle]
Freeman: Hey, wait, that's not a rope! These are, like, jellyfish or something. If I swung on that, it could come crashing down on me. These aliens are just good for nothing.
[jumps off catwalk, lands on a crate]
Freeman: These crates are good for something. That one just broke my fall. That means aliens are worth less than crates! Which is, what, a few dollars?

  • "Wow. I wasn't expecting this. This must be our box-smashing room. I mean, what? We have a bottomless pit, and the sides are all plate metal that looks strong enough to withstand a missile blast. This room must have cost a couple hundred thousand to build. Eat your heart out, taxpayers! This is where your money goes!"
  • "What's up with this ceiling?"
  • Extreme Hopscotch
  • Good old New Mexico! We're really making a name for the state. First they invented the atomic bomb at Los Alamos, and now we've invented mean-ass aliens that teleport out of nowhere! I don't know which is worse! When they invented the atomic bomb they were afraid it was going to catch the atmosphere on fire and burn up the whole Earth, but they did it anyway. That took balls. Not us, though. The only people taking the risks were the ones who didn't understand them in the first place. We're not brave, we're just stupid.
  • "Wow, we picked the wrong contractor to build these catwalks... 'El Sleazo's Discount Construction: Bribing building inspectors for over 40 years!' "

Episode 8

  • "Huh. We've got so many dead bodies now, we're hanging them from the ceiling." [Body pulled up out of sight] "And then the ceiling eats them. I guess that works..."
  • Freeman watching a shorted-out ceiling light:

[Headcrab gets zapped]
Freeman: Wha-ho! That shock took out a Face-hugger!
[Another Headcrab electrocuted]
Freeman: And another one! Will this guy make it?
[Third Headcrab shocked]
Freeman: Noooo... You are all popcorn!

  • "BUGS!"
    • "DIE! DIE! DIE! DIE! DIE!"
  • "Crate City: For all your creative crate needs!"
  • "Y'know, this reminds me of the time I came home from school, and there was some dead guy stuck in the smashed window of my apartment. He'd been trying to break in, but instead gutted himself on the insulated glass. That was not fun trying to explain that to the police..."
  • "I'm kind of like glass in a way. I'll tear people to shreds when I can't do my job."
  • Firing a gun inside the air-vent.
  • [discovers an untried door] "Okay, let's... [door locked] "..cry. This locked door thing is getting real old."
  • While pinned down by an automated turret gun:

Freeman: Hey, want to be my human shield?
Scientist: Shut up!
Freeman: Just an idea! [looks around corner] No, just a dead end... maybe I could force him out there if I waved my gun at him...
Scientist: Nuhh...
Freeman: Shit, did I say that out loud?

Episode 9

  • GIMMIE SOME DORITOS! Says the doctor while unsuccessfully trying to break the glass.
  • In an unrelated headcrab-smashing incident:

Freeman: "OK, Children, class is in session! Everyone take your seat! [begins wailing on headcrabs with crowbar] I said 'Everyone take your SEAT'! Dammit Billy, that means you too! TAKE YOUR SEAT!!! Now, today's lesson is on- ...wait, what am I doing?"

  • Freeman watches two scientists try to escape through the ventilation system:

Freeman: Oh, trying the vent thing, huh?
[The scientists scream and die; organs pour out of the vent]
Freeman: Ugh, you dumbasses! You can't go through the fan-blades!

  • "I'll kill every one of you bastards! All I need are bullets! We have a lot of bullets here! EARTH. IS A MINERAL. RICH. PLANET! I BET YOUR PLANET SUCKS!"
  • after nearly being eaten by a barnacle in the presence of a scientist

Freeman: What the fuck!?! Now I'm covered in blood! My hair... this is gonna jam my gun! [to scientist] And what about you! Enjoying the show!?!
Scientist: I just heard a secure-access transmission. Soldiers have arrived, and they're coming to rescue us. Of course, I have my doubts that we'll live long enough to greet them.
Freeman: Yeah, thanks for the warning, asshole! I really appreciate how you stood there staring at me, not doing a goddamn thing! You're like a cat watching a mouse die!

  • Freeman gets shot in the ear by a turret gun AND vomited on by a barnacle, and later gets some first aid near a guard.

Freeman: Ah, first aid. Yeah, need some gauze...
Guard: I'll bet that stings a bit.
Freeman: Yeah, no shit Skippy. I've got more blood on me than an axe murderer. I'd be arrested if I were to approach a child looking like this.

  • Upon seeing his first Exit Sign since the start of the series:

Freeman: Oh! An "Exit" sign! It's about bloody time.
[door's locked]
Freeman: Okay, remain calm...
[bashes door with crowbar, glass doesn't break]
Freeman: Jesus! Okay, we'll take this to the next level.
[gunshot]
Freeman: What the fuck? We installed bulletproof glass in our exit doors? That stuff's not cheap! How retarded are we!? I don't know anymore!

  • Attacked by a multitude of Headcrabs near the end of the episode:

Freeman: Oh my God, this was NOT APPROVED BY THE COMMITTEE! I'M NOT TAKING ANY QUESTIONS! NO COMMENT! NO COMMENT! NO COMMENT!

Episode 10

  • "Brooahhh! Coffee coffee coffee. Coffee! It's not as strong as methamphetamine, but it lets you keep your teeth."
  • Seeing a scientist running for his life:

Freeman: Heyyy, where's the party?
[Headcrab leaps at his face]
Freeman: Oh God! Okay, lead the way! Where're we going?
[Scientist retreats to a corner of the next room]
Freeman: What!? You're gonna hide in the corner? What're you, five years old!?
[Shoots a Bullsquid]
Freeman: Man, now I'm almost out of bullets. Are you happy? I'm not! You know what? You can stay in the corner. You've earned it. I'm gonna come back with a dunce cap for you, and you're gonna wear it!

  • "I'm probably carrying a few blood-borne diseases on my suit. I'm a walking C.D.C. nightmare. It makes me want to hug someone."
  • "I'M NOT A GERBIL!"

Episode 10.5 (April Fool's Day)

  • "Feeling up dead people is how you get germs."
  • "Call me Ali Baba. Open Sesame!" *BANG*
    • Fires three shots at door "3 shots point blank... man, what the hell? It's like one of those doors in Looney Tunes where they blow up the building, but the door's still standing."
  • Gordon's death. When he makes the running leap for the ladder and misses...

Freeman: I should get a running start, though. This right here is why you should eat Wheaties in the morning...I guess any breakfast is better for you than the two shots of vodka that I had. Whatever; let's do this! (starts running) Hoogasaka, hoogasaka, hoo--(leaps, fails to grab the latter, starts plummeting) OH SHIT OH SHIT OH SHIT--(SPLAT!)

(Flatlining noise)

HEV Voice: HEV activated. Automatic medical systems engaged. Major fracture detected. Internal bleeding detected. Emergency! User death imminent.

Episode 11

  • Freeman gets some bad nachos:

Freeman: I need to find a phone so I can call their hotline and tell 'em I got bad nachos... and that the building's being attacked by aliens."

  • "Well, there can't be anything good in that office if that guy was diving out the window, so I guess I have to take the elevator... [Beat. Notices the elevator is out of order.] I GUESS I HAVE TO TAKE THE ELEVATOR."
  • "Now why is there no ladder here? The other elevator shaft had a ladder here! It was progressive!"
  • "So, my only way out of here is to take some flying Leap of Faith like that scene in Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade, then claw like a mad cat, and hope like hell I get a grip and don't break my ribs! Once again, I need a grappling hook. I can't believe this. Why do you have a ladder in an elevator shaft? To fix the elevator! How do you get to the ladder? You take the elevator that doesn't work! Who thought this one up?! Jesus Christ! I suppose I could do the math on whether this jump is feasible or not, but, you know... we'll have plenty of time for that when I'm dead.
  • "Ohhh my God that was stupid! Why do I keep doing stupid things?! Oh my Guh- I could've died!"
  • Freeman's ongoing battle versus the indiscriminate Turret Guns.
  • A timely intercom announcement makes for great comedy.

Gordon: I think that intercom just said "Turret Maintenance to Central Command". Yeah, they have a few things to answer for. Like why our turrets are killing everyone in the building.

Episode 12

  • Gordon meets the Hazardous Environment Combat Unit marines (HEC Us):

Scientist: Rescued at last! Thank God you're here!
Freeman: Aww yeah, the rescue team!
[HECU guns down the scientist]
Freeman: ...Or, um, what? Okay, I can understand shooting someone running at you screaming, but I don't know... this feels shady. Is there another way out of here? I think this guy's in a bad mood. Well... all right, fine, I'll try and go make friends, even though that always ends up the same way. [looks again] See, he's not even trying to plant a gun on him or hide the body. That's a bad sign, like this is just another day of work for him. I'll at least give him some warning, so I don't jump on him. Hey, killer, what's up?
[HECU opens fire]
Freeman: Ah! Dammit, diplomacy sucks!
[Marine pursues and shoots him]
Freeman: Ow! [Gordon shoots and kills marine] Hey, man, what's your problem!?! Why are you shooting everyone!? I'm taking this gun away from you, mister! You're obviously not mature enough to handle it! Now you sit there and think about what you've done!

    • Freeman struggles with his 'conscience':

Freeman: So, yeah; I just killed a guy. Totally on purpose this time! I'll just keep on going and try not to think about that...

  • Freeman's already been shot at by one soldier, and is starting to have doubts...

Scientist: Don't shoot, I'm with the science team!
Freeman: Hey, me too! But you go on first just in case they're not cool with that.
[The scientist gets shot dead.]
Freeman: Yeah, see, I'm just getting some bad vibes here...

  • "I HAVE A DOCTOR'S DEGREE!" * BANG!* "You guys are dicks..."
  • Freeman's 'conscience' again:

Freeman: So yeah, I'm killing people now... but that was not murder! It was totally self-defense. Just because I had a submachine gun doesn't change anything; it just lets me defend more efficiently. I haven't murdered anyone -- well, not today anyway...

  • Gordon meets another squad of HECU marines:

Freeman: Oh, no. So, are we gonna play nice, or--
HECU: Movement!
[Gordon guns down the soldiers]
Freeman: Nope. Well, looks like my armor is better than yours! And I'll just loot your bodies, 'cause that's how I roll... and that puts me at six or seven counts of "self-defense."

Episode 13

Freeman: I'm on your side, you fucking idiots! How many of you do I have to kill for you to understand that? God damn, you're stupid! You're like a bunch of lemmings with machine guns! Do I look like an alien? Am I green? Do I have tentacles coming out of me? Give me this, and this! Hey is that a chopper? HEY, HEY, HEY!! HELP!! HELP ME!! [air strike drives him indoors] WHAT THE FUCK!? WHY ARE WE BOMBING?! There's nobody here! Why are the soldiers bombing each other? Is this real? I just wanna go home! Everyone is crazy except me! I don't understand, why is everyone trying to kill me? I'm awesome! Are you all jealous?!

  • "Shooting people isn't very nice!"
  • In what is possibly one of the best quotes from anything ever, when shooting at the soliders outside... "Give peace a chance! Or at least stand still!"
  • Freeman decides he "should've been a Tour Guide.":

[Headcrab sneaks up on him]
Freeman: You can't follow me! You don't have any money! That's the whole point!

  • "I want some Cheetos."
  • "You can't get away with that kind of crap in physics. You have to have cold serious math to back up your theories. ...Well, except for the String Theory crowd. Those guys are a bunch of cultists. I think Steve and Richard sacrificed goats, that's why I was never allowed to come to their cook-outs."

Episode 14

  • "What am I thinking? I can't die here; I'll get hungry..."
  • The Genie Scientist.
  • Freeman finally gets his shotgun!

Freeman: At least this shotgun won't deceive me; it's filled with pellets, not lies!

  • This exchange:

Scientist: Do you know who ate all the doughnuts?
Freeman: No! Do you know if leptons are really compound particles?! Frickin' doughnuts...

  • "See, the quality of my life is going straight up now that I have a shotgun."
  • "Beep."
  • "What is that noise? It sounds like somebody's frying bacon while smacking their head with the pan."
  • "Beep-beep-beep-beep-beep-beep-beep; yeah I'm gonna go crazy doing that."
  • "Ah, a radioactive spill! Part of me wants to believe we're not this criminally incompetent, but... I know better."

Episode 15

  • "Unlike my colleagues, I have a tendency to stay alive. Since this morning, I've been bitten, shot, bombed, electrocuted, almost drowned, almost fallen to my death, and strangled. Rasputin wasn't so lucky! But, here I am, exposing myself to radiation. Why not? Let's add to the list: maybe I can get burned, stabbed, and poisoned before the day is done."
  • Gordon is crawling through pipes, rambling about how awesome it would be to have pneumatic pipes connecting his house to a liquor store. This being Gordon, he's going over all this in a fairly serious voice, and it's pretty funny. What makes it hilarious is when he pops out to jump into another pipe, says "I'm a gopher!" perkily, then continues his liquor store warp tube monologue as if nothing happened.
  • On the subject of radiation:

Freeman: That's how Spider-Man got his powers, [gets on a elevator] that is such bullshit. For starters, the odds of a random mutation being beneficial are astronomical. But even if you did get one, you would get radiation poisoning! Comic book writers know as much about science as I know about [pauses and thinks] Well, I'm a bad example since I know about almost everything, but the point is they can try harder!

  • "I hate awkward pauses like this..." [BLAM] "And of course, I'm the one who has to break the ice..."
  • "MONKEY ON A STICK! WE'RE GETTING FINGERED BY GODZILLA!"
  • Freeman finally finds an excuse to use his grenade collection:

Freeman: Okay, I was waiting for an opportunity to use this [pulls out a grenade] and here it is, it's obvious! a handful of shrapnel makes the medicine go down!

Episode 16

  • "That's right; I bang, you bang, we all bang together..."
  • Freeman contemplates Nietzsche:

Freeman: What was that Nietzsche said? 'He who fights drummers should see to it that in the process he does not himself become a drummer'? Or was it monsters?
[later]
Freeman: No, it had to be drummers. That's a monster, and there's no way I'm gonna end up looking like that thing...

  • On the contemplation of Military Spending:

Freeman: "Of course, we might end up as a military police-state perpetually at war with aliens..."

  • Fighting Headcrab Zombies:

Freeman: Oh, someone thinks they're smarter than me... I don't need to dignify this.
[shotguns a zombie]
Freeman: "You don't even have a degree! Well, your host bodies have degrees around here, but you're just latching onto that! That's even worse than one of those online degrees! You're parasites in every way!"

Episode 17

  • Freeman breaks open the door; creates an artificial vacuum. All because he wanted to throw the dead zombies into the fan-blades.
  • "Stop persecuting me... all of you... jus'... stop..."
  • "I've got shit to DOOOO!" Just the way he says it cracks me up.
  • Freeman's "sea turtle" plan.

Episode 18

Freeman: "Is that a pixie? Science hasn't disproven the existence of pixies!"

Freeman: "Goddammit-Earth's-gravity-shouldn't-even-be-this-strong-for-a-planet-our-size. It's-only-this-way-because-there-are-so-many-metals-in-the-core-increasing-the-overall-density-and- oh fuck I'm gonna have to jump."

  • "Life sucks sober!"
  • "I mean it's not like I just came down the wrong corridor like I sometimes do. No, it's-" [activates spinning cart-thing] "WEEEEEEEEE!!" [cart stops] "It's worse than that."
  • Freeman has a close encounter with hypnotism:

Scientist: Excellent! Someone has restored all power. We'll have the engine up again in no time.
Freeman: Yeah, that room's dangerous, did you know that? It's a good thing I made it back OK. [stares at spinning dial] I was gonna... yeah, the... yes, master... no, stop! You can't kill me, so you're gonna try to control me, is that it? I'll never do your bidding! I've got a doctor's degree!

  • "Wait, how'm I gonna get out of here? ...I should've thought about this sooner..."

Episode 19

  • After being forced to leap yet another chasm:

Freeman: "Okay, I rock! NOW STOP MAKING ME PROVE IT!"

  • Freeman considers the tentacle monster as being a small part of a much larger creature:

Freeman: It's wearing me and this facility as a hat. I'm not sure how I feel about that.

"Hey, the lights are on!" (hits the Test Fire button, warning klaxon goes off) "Hey, it's doing something! Did somebody fix this? Wait...what did I just do?" (giant alien gets incinerated by the rocket jet firing) OH! YEAH! THAT'S RIGHT! IF YOU CAN'T TAKE THE HEAT, GET OUT OF THE ROCKET PROPULSION TEST CHAMBER! HA HA HA HA! BURN! BURN! BURN!!! Physics rules!"

Episode 20

  • "Ugh. It smells like butt-rock in here."
  • Freeman tries to understand Causality:

Freeman: Where is everybody? They're not up there. The guard's gone. I think I remember some explosives here. Now there's just scorch marks... bloodstain... and this is after firing that rocket... huh.

  • Moving onward and... downward:

Freeman: Hey, that's a ladder! That means this is legit--this might go somewhere! I mean, it probably leads to a room filled with poison gas and a bunch of dead people that look just like me, but I don't know that, so there's room for hope, I guess.

  • On the subject of his previous monster theory:

Freeman: "I was afraid I was going to look down there and see this giant eyeball looking up at me, angry at me 'cause I blew off its eyelashes or something. Then the whole building starts shaking and I guess I'd just ball up and cry. 'Cause what do you do when something that big wants to kill you?"

Freeman: Jesus Christ, look how much we're pumping out! This is bad! I thought the other spills were bad, but I also thought they were contained like we had some sort of plan if this happened, but this is a river! I'm not a bleeding-heart ecologist and I have more pressing things on my mind, but fuck me! If this gets into the ground water... well, that's it. We've already been playing crash-and-burn with this whole facility, but this is us pissing on the ashes as our final tribute to the whole community.

  • Radiation: The Gift That Keeps On Giving!

Episode 21

  • Noticing a burning gas-leak:

Freeman: Wow, that looks hot. I want some marshmallows.
[Vortiguants teleport in]
Freeman: [Shooting the Vortiguants] What the hell are you looking at? I don't have any marshmallows and even if I did I wouldn't give any to you! They're MINE! Everything's MINE!
[Takes a few steps forward; catwalk collapses.]
Freeman: AHH! Well this facility's not mine. I thought I wanted it but now I don't.

Episode 22

Freeman: This is ridiculous. The soldiers should be the ones fixing the generator, not me. I'm doing their job, AGAIN. First I'm killing everyone for them, now I'm playing engineer.

[A Mawman surprises Gordon]

Freeman: You don't even have a job! You're a vagrant!

  • "Work, you antiquated piece of crap."
  • Freeman's shaky grasp of electrical theory:

Freeman: If that had hit me, the electricity would roll around inside my body and come out through the top. My head would explode like a baked potato wrapped in tin-foil. It would pop off like a Pez container! ...Actually, if it wasn't me, that would be cool to watch if you got that on film. Your hair might catch on fire and look like that scene from Scanners, only this would be the real thing!

Episode 23

  • After being shot at by the military for the eleventy billionth time, he decides to use the strategy of "wait around a corner, let them pass, then shoot" that worked for him so far. But then the soldiers catch on to him...

Freeman: I'm not gonna stand for it; I worked too hard to get where I am! I graduated from MIT! (gunfire) My diploma's worth more than your life! (gunfire) Screw this; I'm just gonna wait for them to come around the corner again.

[A grenade then bounces in just in front of Gordon.]

Freeman: (turning and running for his life) OH SHIT! (distant explosion) Okay, natural selection! The dumb ones are all dead, so the survivors are a little bit smarter!

  • Freeman grapples with his fading morality:

Freeman: Yeah, it's strange. I thought I might start feeling weird about killing all these people, but really I don't. I think it's because they're all pricks and deserve to die. I'll make a speech at their funerals if someone wants me to. I have no problem with going up to a grieving widow, and telling her I'm sorry for her loss, but her husband was a rat-fuck meathead who tried to kill me for no goddamn reason, because he was too stupid to learn what the word "civilian" means. If I hadn't put him down, he probably would have come home later and strangled you in your sleep. And not in the kinky way either... I know how you base wives are.

Episode 24

  • Being chased by a Gargantua:

Freeman: "Ok, that's close enough. [Starts shooting] Back, back, back, backbackbackbackAYIYIYIYII!" [Gargantua explodes, but not because of being shot] "YES! I MEANT TO DO THAT!"

  • Freeman is growing rapidly more displeased with the level of effort he's being asked to invest:

Freeman: "You know, I'm an expert on electricity -- on the atomic level, anyway -- and this, to me, looks like the power's on. A bit more dramatic than what I was expecting, but still, on. I'm going back up to that train room and finding out what the Hell's going on here. That guard wasn't telling me the whole story. What he meant was "Hey, yeah! All you have to do is pump out all that bilge-water in the generator room, turn the power on to the generator, shoot everyone in sight, then come back around and turn on the DC generator, then go down to the storage room and roll a spool up here, then break out some pliers and electrical tape so you can lay down some HV cable, then just bust through a wall and wire up a new circuit, then do the same thing on the other end of the complex, and yeah, you'll have that train runnin' within the month!"

    • But then, he finds another bright side:

Freeman: Of course, the real tragedy is that I didn't bring a camera. If I had been taking pictures, I'd be ready the next time I had to sit through some family members' slideshow. I could whip it out and be like "Fuck you, your pictures suck! Look at mine: There's me blowing up some bipedal alien the size of a dump truck; Here's me shooting some troops because I'm hardcore, yeah, I think we're done here. You brought this on yourself"."

  • "Another exciting day in the life of a Forklift Operator!"
  • Freeman contemplates putting the wounded guard to good use:

Freeman: Y'look like you've been gut-shot, so you're lucky I don't reach in there and take out your small intestine and tie it off and use it as rope so I don't have to keep running up here!

  • Reaches the train barricade:

Freeman: "Whoa, whoa, whoa, what is this? You've gotta be fucking kidding. ...Boy, optimists are retards."

Episode 25

  • Freeman contemplates his current situation:

Freeman: This reminds me back in High school where we had a Driver's Ed class and the Gym teacher was asking us which was more dangerous; Crashing a motorcycle at 60mph into a haystack or crashing a motorcycle at 60mph into a concrete divider. He got mad and started yelling at the class when no one answered. [Stops, moves tram forward] Okay! Time to end my tram-operating career! [Jumps off tram as it moves to ram the blockade] If I were a conductor, this is how I'd want to retire: Just jump off and let the train speed away with everyone on board.

    • And, after discovering the 'concrete' was actually gray styrofoam:

Freeman: Hey, what the hell?! That should've stopped a dump-truck! Man I don't understand anything today... maybe they were just made out of styrofoam and painted to look like concrete...

  • "I'm not an expert in the field, but that sounds to me like the cries of the damned."
  • "Oh that's great; I'm playing Jenga with my life..."
  • "Bomb shelter parties are the best parties, because the bomb shelter parties don't stop... until everyone's dead."
  • To a door:

Freeman: "QUIT. BEING. METAL!!!!" [after fadeout] "If I was a wizard this wouldn't be happening."

Episode 26

  • Yet another sanity slip:

Freeman: "I bet we have gnomes down there mining precious metals and gems. I want a gnome[...]I'd put my gnome in a cage and feed him granola. I think they'd eat that. Ah, who am I kidding, if the aliens got down there, they'd have eaten them all by now anyway. Gnomes are small. Wait, are gnomes even real?"

Episode 27

  • Episode 27 in its entirety -- Freeman celebrates 'Talk Like A Pirate Day'.
  • "Ya blunderin' squid! What good are ya?!"

Episode 28

  • "This sounds like a job for Ambassador Pineapple." [pulls out grenade] "You'll be representing me on the floor. Now go out there and work your magic!" [throws grenade, destroying the gun turret] "Oh! Sounds like we came to a resolution!"
  • "Hi, I'm selling these fine used bullets. Free samples!"
    • "What the hell? Did it just shut the door on me? [...] Ah, the missus of the house! Try some of our product!"
  • Freeman is riding the tram and rambling about how a security guard is telling half-truths. He turns a corner, and a marine shoots a rocket launcher at him, leading to this gem:

Freeman: "It makes more sense to follow the advice of a half-liar, versus making completely random decisions like I have been." [sees smoke from rocket being fired] "What is that?" [rocket streaks past him] "JESUS CHRIST!!" [jumps off tram] "Next stop, right here! You can have the tram! Fuck!"

    • After killing Rocky the Rocket Ranger:

Freeman: Okay, so how do -I- operate this thing? I wanna blow stuff up too!

"You know, I'm really starting to think maybe this whole thing isn't a rescue operation."

Episode 29

  • "I HAVE TO BLOW EVERYTHING UP!!! IT'S THE ONLY WAY TO PROVE I'M NOT CRAZY!!!"
  • "Trinitrotoluene doesn't care what mood you're in..."
  • "THOSE WEREN'T FIRECRACKERS!"
  • "Is my education on electromagnetism wrong, or is the WORLD wrong...?"
  • Upon spotting more Claymore mines:

Freeman: I suppose I could jump this, but if I scuff it, it's gonna hurt more than a little bit. I'll just play it safe and crawl under. [Does so] I don't recall safety regulations saying anything about jumping over explosives, but that would be dope if we had athletes do that at the Olympics though. If a runner screws up he just explodes. I bet it would increase performance..."

  • After Freeman gets ambushed:

Freeman: "What the fuck!? Did they just pop out of a box? Why were they in a box!? That's Looney Tunes crap! Jesus! Well, they caught me off guard, I'll give them that. I wonder if that was their idea or it was approved by the chain of command. Yeah I could imagine a cigar smoking general ordering that." [In the voice of a gruff military stereotype] "Yes, put two soldiers in a box! When the enemy approaches, they just jump out. It's brilliant!"

    • "I bet they're both named Jack, too."
  • Freeman totally and completely spazzing out and emptying an entire shotgun clip after a zombie gets the jump on him and almost kills him.
  • "Yeah, it's a shame. Here we are in an underground cave with all these lasers, and instead of having a rave, we're using it for evil."
  • After almost getting shot to death by a turret: [finds a radio] "So you're the one behind this!" [Shoots it]
  • Freeman' reaction to hearing two soldiers blame him for killing their friends:

Freeman: (immediately shoots them several times in the back) There, that's for trying to guilt trip me! Yeah, (in a mocking tone) the Big Bad Freeman, Of course! You guys didn't start shit!

  • "That security guy said this track would take me to the surface. Okay, now what was the long way to the surface?"

Episode 30

  • Freeman approaches a blast door:

Freeman: Hey, a keypad! ...I don't know the code. I'll try some random numbers. [beeping] No? Okay, 1-3-3-7. [beeping] No... 1-2-3-4. [door opens] Ah-ha-ha! You know, as much as I'd like to claim this was the result of me being a genius, it's more that someone else was not.

  • "These guys sound pretty chill considering there were gunshots and an explosion outside not two minutes earlier. I guess it doesn't occur to them to investigate that... Now we return to Ethical Dilemma Theater."
  • "Self-defense isn't cutting it if I don't get to shoot first!"
  • "Jesus Christ, I launched a missile. I'm not helping ANYTHING... AUGH MY EYES! GAZE UPON THE FIERY DOOM OF THIS EARTH! So, guess I just started World War 3. This has been a busy day, but in the end there's only one thing that matters: I did not leave any fingerprints. I was wearing my suit."
  • "Oh! And what's this? Could this be a ridged pipe? That leads straight up the rock face? I think it is!" (On reaching the top) "...ah... that's right, I'm in New Mexico, aren't I? The middle of the desert. The middle of the desert Now that I think about it, the flight out here might have been longer than I remember. So, if I were to just pack it on foot, how far could I go? If I had food and water -- which I DON'T -- I could go twenty, maybe thirty miles in a day, assuming the sun didn't beat me down... which it would. I really should have thought about this sooner. OK, so maybe walking out is NOT the way to go here."

Episode 31

  • Freeman meets a sniper.
  • Freeman acquires a Claymore.
  • "I just thought of a paradox: maybe the more people I kill, the less likely it is that they'll blame it all on me! I mean, one guy killing five or ten people? Sure. But can they really pin dozens, and dozens, of armed military personnel on me?"
    • "Anyway, my background doesn't fit the profile: No military training, never fired a gun, acquitted for petty theft, not a member of any extremist organizations, has a PHD in theoretical physics. Yeah, that sounds like our man!"
      • "Who're some other spree killers? Timothy McVeigh; he had military training... Lee Harvey Oswald wasn't a spree killer, but he received about as much government attention as I'm getting right now. He had military training... and was an extremist."
  • "Witnessing a zombie eating a soldiers dead body:

Freeman: Ew, that's gross... Hey! get a room you two! [shoots the zombie repeatedly] This is a family missile silo. [approaches the soldiers body] I have nothing more to say to you."

  • Back to his earlier train of thought:

Freeman: "Who else...Charles Whitman, military training. [...] Alvin York killed dozens of people, and he was a hero! He didn't even want to, he was like me... am I a hero? Eh, I don't know... I don't think it's heroic if the only person you're saving is yourself."

Episode 32

  • "FUCK YOU, FISH!"
  • His musings about how, in grad school, he could get shitfaced one day, hook up an IV with a saline solution, and go to class the next day with little more than a good buzz...all because he had a med student as a roommate who gave him that tip.
  • "You want to eat me? No, I'm not here to give you a free meal, you think I work at Seaworld?"
  • Freeman killing the giant alien shark.

Freeman: YEAAAAH! Call me Ishmael, bitch! [...] I am a badass pool boy.


Episode 33

  • "I'M BOXED IN!"
  • "That fish in a barrel trick doesn't work so well when the fish has a shotgun, huh?"
    • "Tactical combat is strange, man."
  • "Wait, I was supposed to stop pressing strange buttons, wasn't I? I haven't learned anything!"
  • "Error 482: Somebody shot the server with a 12-Gauge. Please contact your Administrator."
  • "Quiero un poco de drogas. Donde estan? Tengo dinero."

"I want some drugs. Where are they? I have money."

  • Freeman discovers his suit is full of tracking devices. He doesn't respond well.

Episode 34

  • The Freezer Room.
  • "No respect, man. No respect at all..."
  • Contemplating who shot a random guard he was talking to:

Freeman: "Maybe the problem just went away... Maybe I just willed it out of existence... Maybe it was the magical sniper fairy that comes and gives silenced hollow point rounds to people who don't eat their vegetables."

  • "Fucking ninjas man..."
    • "I was not ready for this. Who is ready for this? No one, they're fucking ninjas."
  • After surviving a firefight with Black Ops:

Freeman: "Well, this settles it. Black Mesa is a James Bond villain company. We have missiles, robots, lasers, sharks, and ninjas."

Episode 35

Episode 36

  • "Maybe I was in the biology lab trying to hit on Heather again, then she just lost it and knocked me unconscious, then tried to dump my body because, let's face it, she can be pretty stone cold. Well it didn't work, Heather! Now I have a gun! You can't stop the Freeman! [runs into a locked door] Well okay, I guess doors can stop the Freeman..."
  • "I expect a certain level of safety and comfort when I break into a place..."

Episode 37

  • During his first conveyor belt ride of episode 37:

Freeman: "But why are there no doors here? Did I actually enter this room in the correct manner? Maybe the room itself is alive. Uhm… [reaches end of belt and is dropped into water far below] OH MY GOD I'M GONNA D-"

  • "I'm not a leper! I shouldn't have to stand for meat dandruff!"
  • "Augh... this is a pretty shitty water park! I'm never coming here again!"
  • THIS IS NOT A DEMOCRACY! I HAVE A GUN SO I'M IN CHARGE! Many governments around the world function on this principle. And some of them last for months!

Episode 38

  • Freeman is nearly hypnotized again.
  • Freeman seems to finally be coming off the rails for good:

Freeman: Oh what, this one's just full of tricks! It's tapping out fucking Morse on the conveyor belt! Crushers, conveyors, walking backwards... GIMME SOME MORE PRESSURE I DON'T HAVE ENOUGH! BIOHAZARD! YES! THANK YOU! FALLING TO MY DEATH! TANKS OF ACID! SUPERB!"

  • "OH GOD I'M OUT OF AMMO; WHOSE JOB IS IT TO RELOAD?! THEY'RE FIRED! WHAT? THERE'S NO AMMO LEFT!? YOU'RE FIRED TOO!"
  • "Oh this is that door. So leaving was never an option. Crawling in circles until you fucking die there's an option! I LIKE THAT OPTION! LET'S GO WITH THAT OPTION! RAAUUUGHH! ...Actually I was just kidding, I don't like that option."

Episode 39

  • Freeman accidentally letting out the Grunt in the biolab.
  • In a black humor sense, Freeman casually shooting a guard after he remembers that the military is trying to kill him[1] before deciding that's he's simply going to kill everyone around him.
  • When he is confronted by some Houndeyes, the following dialogue takes place:

"Okay, I'm your dance instructor-no, you're starting too early! Stop that! I SAID STOP THAT! One two three LEFT! One two three LEFT! No, your rhythm's all wrong! Ugh... I give up. I can't teach this class. Some people just don't want to learn, you know?"

  • Saying "Over here, you forgot your bullets. Take some of mine!" as he strolls up and shoots down a group of marines. Ending with a cheery "You're welcome!" when he kills the last one.

Episode 40

  • One word: hiccups.

Gordon: Don't come near me...don't come near me...no, no... I HAVE A PERSONAL SPACE, GODDAMMIT! PERSONAL SPACE! -hic-

Episode 41

  • Freeman finds three scientists hiding in a room behind a "giant cheese slicer" chamber and actually decides that he needs them alive. But one of them doesn't exactly "click" with Gordon.

Freeman: Okay, let's do the "get outside" thing. You come with me.
Scientist: With my brains and your brawn, we'll make an excellent team.
Freeman: OH, so you think you're the brains of this operation, huh?
Scientist: I'll wait.
Freeman: Goddamn right you will.

    • And later, after he turns the cheese slicer off:

Freeman: ...Okay, I guess you too.
Scientist: I certainly hope that you know what you're doing.
Freeman: That's it, I've had enough lip from you. You stay!
Scientist: I'm slowing you down, am I?
Freeman: No, you're pissing me off is what you're doing!

The other Mind series.

We cannot forget about the other Minds:

  • Chell's Mind:
    • Marry had a little lamb,/ her father shot it dead./ Now it goes to school with her/ between two chunks of bread!
    • Red Bull — It gives you cancer!
    • Also her losing battle with her subconscious:

Chell: I'm not crazy.
Chell's mind: Yeesss yoouuu aaaarrreee...

    • Chell's rant after the Aperture Science Emancipation Grid actually emancipates her tooth.

Chell: Vy toof! Vy toof!
Following the Emancipation Grill incident: "I hate this place, with its big retarded cubes that don't even have food in them, and that computer's compulsive lying, and all the creepy stains on the floor, and the Scaffold of Death, but most of all, most of all, I hate this stupid rickety elevator, and its infuriating Emancipation Grid! A plague on both your houses! And your summer homes! And your shower curtains!

  • Shephard's Mind:
    • (after finding out that his Spore Launcher pet doubles as a rocket launcher) "This is my weird slime spitting alien gun thing. There are many like it, but this one is mine."
    • (hanging on to a ladder) "What's that ladder? You want me to take my clothes off?"
      • Just before Gordon's Oxycontin fully kicks in.
      • "This is the best ladder ever!!"
    • "I'm going to shove [The G-Man's] briefcase so far up his ass he'll have to open his mouth to scan his ID!"
    • "Electrified Toxic Waste?"
    • (Notices 4 dead marines right next to some aliens) "Come on, get up Williams! Hey! Damn it. Jones! Maxwell! (notices the fourth body) Err, ummm, Well... I don't remember your name. But you're dead too, that sucks!"
    • Shephard thinks that all the skeletons in the room he is in are talking to him:

Soldier: [off screen] I got a bad feeling about this mission...
Shephard: [thinking it's the skeleton] AHHH! What the hell? Oh my God! I'm being haunted by the ghosts of the marines that died because of me!
Same Soldier: I was told to guard this area.
Shepahrd: [still talking to the skeleton] I know... you were just following orders. It wasn't your fault, soldier. [sits down next to the skeleton and starts crying]

    • Shephard finds a phone and tries to call for help. It doesn't go well.

Shephard: Yes, please put me on with your supervi--NO DON'T PUT ME ON HOLD! [slams phone] RRRGH JUST DIE! [fires pistol]
Shephard: [calmly, to the scientist] Phone's dead.

    • {{[[[It Makes Sense in Context]] after being ported out of the floor}}]:

"Where are my pants?!
[*ZAP!*]
"Oh there they are."

    • ADRIAN KICKS ASS
    • "I am so not geared for this instance!"
    • And now from the season finale, a moment that is actually more of a crowning moment of awesome till the end...

Shephard: "All right. I was never a good marine. I couldn't protect the people under my command. I never caught Freeman. I couldn't go fifteen meters without running into some insurmountable delay. I didn't earn my advanced training or even my rank as Corporal. Some guys just dropped it on me! I'm not even fighting for a cause, I just don't want to die. All the good things I did today were just because I was backed into a corner and could only keep charging forward."
[music starts up]
Shephard: "If I die today, nobody's gonna remember. Adrian Shepherd might as well never have existed. And you know what? I refuse to believe that this overconvoluted clusterfuck of a disaster happened just so I could get eaten by a giant squid in a dusty ventilation shaft! So screw it. I'm gonna go in there, I'm gonna fight, and I'm gonna fucking win! Come and get me yo-"
[Music cuts off, Shepherd runs back into hiding.]
Shephard: "Ow! Leg cramp, leg cramp, ow! Jeez! Ow, damn! Man! I really need to remember to limber up before this kind of crap. Anyway, have at you!"

  • "Can I go home now? -This isn't my house." It's the delivery that sells it.
  • Parker's Mind:
    • From Episode 10: "There's no way anyone could defeat this robot. I know one man who could: Chuck Norris. He could!"
    • From Episode 14-2, how about that cutscene:

Parker: Why does the music stop whenever I start talking?
Eos: We need that antidote Parker! If you're not gonna help, shut up!

  • Barney's Mind:
    • From Episode 5, after Barney encounters a dead security officer.

Barney: (ducks beside the body) "I think I'd better check for a pulse." (stands) "Nope, no pulse." (ducks) "Maybe definitely..." (stands) "Nope, no wallet either."

    • Barney's inability to follow the taxi ways and the roads on the airport.

Douchebag: "Are roads a recomendation too?"
Barney: "Screw roads! Where we're going, we don't need roads!"

Douchebag: "...You're not funny..."

    • From the plane escape scene

EV 91: "...comply or you will be shot down."
Barney: "Lies! Where's the transmit button? Oh here. Hey fighter jets, I just survived an alien invasion, SCREW YOU!"
Douchebag: "Yeah, piss the pilot off in a million dollar fighter jet with tons of missiles."
Barney: "Bah, they can't us missiles in here.Too much canyon.

    • Earlier on..."

Barney: "Let's see if we can lose them in that canyon down there."
Douchebag: "What?! I'd rather go to the airbase."
Barney: "Screw that! Dig deeper in your pants for a bigger set of balls because there's no way in hell I'm going with the military! You wanna go? Fine! Door's right there."
Douchebag: "Okay but you better not get us killed."
Barney: "No promises!"

  • Episode 15 of Felix's Mind:

Felix: "Aww, now that I've used [the shield recharger] so many times, [the high I was getting off of it] is starting to lose its effect. But I'd better keep moving before this morphine makes me see something I wish I hadn't." (rounds a corner and sees Mario)

Mario: "It's-a me! Mario!"

Felix: "..." (turns right around and walks away)

  1. ↑ and sadly not remembering that guards are safe
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